Wellington Paranormal (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - She-Wolf - full transcript

All right, mate, focus on the end
of my pen for a second, would you?

Ah, no touching. Just look at it.

What are we doing?

What we have here is a young man
doing pizza deliveries in the area.

He called us to report an attack
on Kurimarama Street.

His scooter's been damaged
and his pizzas have been stolen.

Um, we're having a bit of trouble
getting the exact details from the victim.

I can do about seven minutes
of kung fu. Yep.

It was trippy, man.
Yeah, I know it was trippy, mate.

You've said it was trippy 23 times.

So, who should we be on the lookout for, sir? You
know, we need some characteristics, so height...

Yeah, this thing was massive ...what
was he wearing It was, like, huge!

Far, bro.
Massive. So, large?

- Yep, so that's...
- 'Far.'

So, it's a large build? Yeah,
large Was that last one? 'Bro'?

Yeah, it was barking
and growling heaps,

and then it took the pizzas,
and then he came up to me,

and he was like,
and then it gapped it.

Sir, was this a dog?
Uh, yeah.

Hey, mate, do we look like
Animal Control to you?

Scratch marks through here.
Destroyed the chassis.

Meatlover's pizza's completely gone.
Oh, man.

That comes out of my pay.
Vegetarian's untouched, though.

Sir, sir... Can you think of anything you could tell
us about this dog which would help us to identify it?

Oh, yeah... The dog...

he was wearing jeans.

Jeans?

Oh yeah, that dog problem's
only getting worse. Mm.

Do you know, I've lost eight kitties to
that house down there over the past year.

Is that number 92?
Yes.

That bloody place.

You know, I used to be a cat lady,
but now I'm just...

I'm just a lady.

We've had reports about
this property behind us.

Sounds like they've got some pretty
serious animal control... What now?

Are you lot here to hassle me again?

Evening.
G'day, mate. How are you?

Don't you go blaming my dogs, mate.
These are the only two left.

Three of them are missing already.

So you're telling us you've had pets
go missing from your property? Yeah.

I had one stolen
from my van last night.

Could we just have a
wee look at the van? Yeah.

Yeah, you're not gonna be able
to drive this for a while, mate.

Uh, yeah, it looks like your dog's
been extracted from the outside.

Look, someone found a dog
skeleton in the graveyard.

I'm afraid it might be my Britney.

Sir? Sir...
I don't want any drama.

OK. Beyonce and Rihanna,
they're scared enough as it is.

That's why they're always barking
cos they're scared.

I'm not hearing any barking. They're not...
They don't seem to be barking any more.

Ri-Ri? Be-Be?

Ri-Ri?

Be-Be?

Come here.

Ri-Ri!

So in summary, we've established that both Ri-Ri
and Be-Be have been abducted from the premises.

So we're now on the lookout
for a large dog.

Um, it's probably very hungry.
Mm-hm, and cold only wearing jeans.

And cold. It's obviously
very aggressive.

It's been terrorising people and
pets in the neighbourhood. Mm.

Um, so we wanna get on to that
and track it down as soon we can.

Get it off the streets
as soon as possible.

What if this dog thing's paranormal?

What, like a ghost dog? Well,
he's supposed to be pretty big.

Yeah, but have you seen how big dogs
get these days? What are we talking?

Look at him. He's huge. Yeah, but
maybe the woman's just really little.

That's hilarious. All he
needs is a little hat. Yeah.

Oh, that one's Photoshopped.

Definitely Photoshopped.
That annoys me.

Go back to that other one there

with the little one riding on the big
one's back. Now, you see there? Mm.

The little paws look like
little hands. Hang on, I'll...

That's just a normal dog. Hey,
I've got a sausage roll in my pocket.

I got it from the lunch room. Do you
wanna go halves? Is it in a serviette?

I can hold the Taser
if it's getting heavy.

It's my week with the Taser,
Minogue. I know, I know.

But just if it's gonna help you out,
cos it looks like it's getting heavy.

Minogue, what is it about the system of "one
week with the Taser, one week without the Taser"

that you don't understand? No, I'm all for the
system. We came up with the system together.

But it looks like the Taser's pointing at the
ground a little bit, like you're getting tired.

It's my week with the Taser,
Minogue, OK?

You're driving. You drove, OK?
So I've got the Taser.

Look, it's really simple.

Did you hear that?

What, that really loud
howling noise?

Yep, what do you think it was?

Was it a ruru?

I don't think it was
a native bird, Minogue.

Just being hopeful.

Look, it sounded more... canine.

You know, like, dog-like.
Yeah.

I was thinking it was kind of...
lupine, you know?

Like, wolf-like.

Did you just Google that word?
What?

Yeah, I did.

Look, we don't have
wolves in New Zealand.

Yeah, but what if it
was a werewolf, O'Leary?

Doubt it was a werewolf.

It's a werewolf!

It's definitely a werewolf!

There it is!

Hey!

Ready Taser. Ready Taser.

Readying Taser. Taser ready.

It went this way.

Should we call for back-up?
They could bring the other Taser.

Ma'am, ma'am, are you okay?

Oh, shit.

You didn't happen to see a huge
creature pass by here, did you?

Minogue, she's obviously
been attacked by it.

Good point.

She's on the ground. She's got
scratches on her leg. I'll make a note.

Minogue, help me help her up.

Oh, yep, sorry. Sorry.

One, two, three upsy-daisy.

What the hell?

What happened?

I don't know, officer.

No idea, mate.

Uh, Comms, we're bringing in
a young woman who's been attacked.

No medical's required, but we'd
like to get a statement. Over.

What's the nature of
the attack? Beat 4, please.

We have reason to believe that
the perpetrator is a were

warehouse worker.

Uh, did you say
a warehouse worker?

Uh, no, I think he just We're still
determining the nature of the attacker.

We're just going through
a couple of options now,

but we'll have more information
as it comes to hand.

But they may have
worked at the warehouse?

There's my ex's house.

He was meant to call me up tonight,
but he didn't, the bastard.

Unbelievable.
Classic.

- I would never do that in a relationship.
- Oh, you reckon

- I'm always I'm very trustworthy.
- That's what they all reckon.

And, uh, all of my ex-girlfriends have had
nothing but nice things to say about me.

Push that button,
the light comes on.

Yeah, but you need to turn that
beep off. It's always beeping.

OK, guys, calm down.
It's not an AC/DC concert.

Sorry I'm late.
I had to rush in unexpectedly.

Uh, is that why you've got your pyjama
shirt on instead of your normal shirt, sir?

Correct, O'Leary.
Great detective work.

OK, first some good
news to start off with

Donovan and Lopepe stopped two armed robbers at
the BP service station the other night great job.

And the picture that the department put up of
the kitten in the police hat got 743 likes.

Yeah.

It's got us a lot of attention.
Mostly positive.

All right, let's be careful
out there, guys.

It's a full moon tonight.
Gonna be a lot of crazies.

All right, dismissed.

Sarge, can we have a word, please?

Yeah, what is it, guys?

We've got another paranormal case.

Not another haunted sock, is it?

I don't know how that mouse got
into my sock, sir. It was a weird one-off.

No, look, we believe we've got a woman
who has survived an attack from a werewolf.

Nah Shh! You can't use that
word outside of the secret office.

OK.
Right.

Where is she? She's in the
interrogation room, Sarge.

After you. Lead the way.

The last thing I remember
I was having a whisky

and these were jeans.

Yeah, but those are awesome now, aren't they?
They're better than they would have been as jeans.

Yeah, as much as I want to believe, I just don't think
the nature of her injuries came from a lycanthrope.

Do you reckon a guy could get away
with wearing something like that? What?

Sarge, what about the
scratches all over her?

They don't match the scratches of a
motorcycle. Those are twig scratches.

Anyway, tonight, did you
happen to see a huge creature?

Possibly lupine in nature.
Eh? I don't know.

I was wasted, man.

Hang on a minute...

I sort of remember seeing
these, like...

Sort of, these, like, huge claws
in front of my face.

See? Claws. Plus we saw a werewolf.

You saw one for real?
We saw its eyes.

Oh, eyes. Are there large dogs in the
area? Or are there other things with eyes?

Yeah, but, look, the pizza-delivery guy
remembered seeing a dog wearing jeans.

Is that right? Right, need to
show you something. Both of you.

Take a seat, eh.

Don't go anywhere.

Little police humour,
there.

Check this out.
This pug here stone-washed jeans.

This bulldog skinny jeans.

And this chihuahua also jeans,
and Chuck Taylors.

See, point is,
sometimes dogs wear jeans.

What do you Google to get those? Oh, I
follow DogsinJeans and DressedUpPups.

They're both Tumblr accounts.

Just something I do to relieve
the stress of the job.

Now, check this out.

This is a pug in a full tuxedo, eh.

What a charmer! What's he up to?

Is he at the premier of
his own movie, is he?

Anyway, take this woman home. I'm
afraid this one's another haunted sock.

We did see a werewolf,
though, didn't we, O'Leary?

I don't know what we saw.

Pretty sure I do a werewolf.

Yeah, well, look, you might
actually be right, you know.

Are you all right back there?

Yeah, it's just that this
is actually kind of cool,

and if my ex sees me in a cop car,
he'll think I'm crazy,

and guys find that hot.

Is that true, Minogue?

Uh, not sure if it's
universal, but, um, yep.

Hey, guys, it's Sergeant
Maaka. What's your location? Over.

Yeah, we just reached the main highway, Sarge.
We're just taking this young woman back home.

Oh no.
What?

Uh, what's that, Minogue?

Uh, he said "what". Over.

Yeah, and I said, "What? Over."
So, what was that? Over.

He said "what" cos he couldn't
hear you properly, what. Over.

What? Over.

Yep.

OK, uh, OK.

I've been doing a bit of detective
work on that woman you brought in.

When I went into the interrogation
room after you guys left,

I noticed there was
a distinct dog-owner smell.

You know, that smell that
dog-owners have, right?

Yeah, yeah!

Sheena, do you own a dog?
Nah.

Well, then I remembered that you said there
was a dog seen in the area wearing jeans.

Well, that woman you brought in said
she was wearing jeans when she went out,

but then when she woke up
she was wearing jean-shorts.

Do you reckon a guy could get away
with wearing something like that? What?

I also remembered she said she saw
claws in front of her face.

Claws in front of my face.

Why would there be claws in front
of her if she was running away?

She wasn't being
chased by a werewolf.

She is a werewolf.

She doesn't look like
a werewolf, Sarge.

Well, that's because the moon is
being obscured by cloud cover right now.

That's why a lot of werewolves live
in Wellington it's always cloudy.

Are we safe, Sarge?

Uh, hold on.

I'm just looking at the cloud cover
on my weather app right now,

and you're good to go
for another two minutes.

Two minutes!

I don't feel so good.

Oh, man.

OK, find a safe spot to pull over.

Restrain the subject.
She will become extremely murderous.

Oh, and remain calm. Over.

Oh no!

What are we gonna do? Drive.
I am driving.

Well, drive faster. Well, she's in the back
seat. She's going the same speed as us.

I'll drive. No, you're not driving.
No way am I letting you drive.

Let me drive! You don't get to drive.
Drive or the Taser, one or the other.

Not both!

Pull over. Pull over!

I can't. We're on an overpass.

So, we just escaped our police car.

Turns out the woman turned
out to be the werewolf.

Don't just assume because it's a werewolf that
it's a man, cos that's not always the case, is it?

It's like with a doctor
sometimes it's a man.

Sometimes not.

Anyway, looks like we've got some temporary
cloud cover, so she should be in human form.

Sheena!

Sheena!

Sheena!

Sheena!

Sheena, come here.

Sheena.

O'Leary.
What?

Look moon.

That's not good.

Get away, Sheena!

Sheena.

Sheena, come here.

There she is. Sheena. Sheena!

What the hell?

What the.

God.
No, no, no, no, no.

Sheena, come here.

There she is.
Sheena! Sheena!

Oh no.

Just, um, hiding in some bushes.

That's correct. Waiting.

The, uh, wolf-woman... The
woman-wolf... The, uh, were-woman...

Just say person-wolf. The
person-wolf is looking very, very hungry.

You're too slow! Get behind me.

Just reassessing our overall plan.

No, no, no, not this way.
Out, out, out.

Another change of plan.

Should we climb a tree?

Do werewolves climb trees?

This is never gonna work.
OK.

They're not gonna not eat you just cos
you got a camera. You're going down first.

I can push you. Here, here. You guys have gotta
go somewhere else. There's only room for two.

That's not gonna work. Look, there's too many
of us. You've gotta go that way. Split up.

You guys are making it worse. You go
that way, we'll go this way. Go, go, go.

Sheena.

Do you think she'll eat me
or the sausage roll, O'Leary?

Yeah, probably.
What?

Well, a sausage roll's not
gonna satisfy a big werewolf.

She'll eat you and then
snack on the sausage roll.

O'Leary...
Yep.

You're a great partner.

Thanks, Minogue, but let's not do this
now, cos we've gotta catch this werewolf.

Werewolf?
Huh? Where?

Minogue, Sheena is the werewolf.

What the hell?

Brought you that.

Sausie roll?

Yum.
Oh, shot, officer.

Solid as a rock, mate.
Solid as a rock.

How's the clouds?

We believe that earlier on tonight you transformed
into a werewolf, and you ran through your back door.

How do you know that?
Just the hole in the back door.

Oh, you know what? I've had a gut's-full,
man. No, you just need to sit down.

What did you bloody learn
in cops college, mate?

We learnt about helping people with home
invasions. We learnt about drink-driving.

Oink! Oink! Can you stop,
please? Refrain from oinking at me.

Have a seat.

You sit down! I don't No, I
have chosen to stand up.

You sit down. You're in my house.
No, I'm not.

I'm sitting down. I'll sit down if
you sit down, OK? How about that?

Shall we both sit down? I'll sit
down when I want to sit down.

OK, well, how about when I sit down? Is that a
good time to sit down? I'll sit down with you.

Let's sit down, OK? Sit down.

Good.
Yeah, that's right.

Anyway, yeah, what we're trying to explain is we
believe that you've been in contact with a werewolf

at some point.
I don't believe it.

Well, look, I mean, we didn't actually
believe in werewolves until tonight ourselves.

No, I believe in werewolves.
Hell, yeah.

Dion's a werewolf.

Who's Dion?
My ex.

OK. Your ex is a...
Your ex is a werewolf?

Hell, yeah, he's a
big-time werewolf.

That's why I had to break up with
him. He's just so changeable, you know.

Nice guy, and then he just
changes into this huge werewolf.

OK, and you didn't think to tell us
this, maybe, a bit earlier on?

We've been talking about
your ex all night.

Though, in fairness, we didn't specifically ask
her if her ex-boyfriend was a werewolf, so...

I'm gonna kill Dion
for doing this to me.

Straight up. Certainly, I
wouldn't say it straight up to me.

I wouldn't say it at all, in fact,
cos I'm a police officer. Just think it.

I'm gonna murder that asshole. Anyway, look, you're
already in a little bit of trouble, right now.

Let's go and
the patriarchy up.

Sheena, just wait
Dion!

Dion, you.

I'm on the Taser! Can't lose
another one of these, O'Leary.

Calm down, Miss. Uh, we're just getting
dragged along the street by a werewolf.

Dion, you bastard! This is pretty unfair. I
mean, I can understand why you're upset.

I would be.
Men. Am I right? Why do we bother?

Oh, I'm more of a cat-person.
She loves hanging out with cats.

No, Minogue.

Now I've got another
hassle to deal with once a month.

Dion!

Sheena, there's probably a better time
to talk about this with your ex-partner.

Oh, here's drama!

What the hell
have you given me?

Calm down.

What's with the security guards
and the camera?

You know it's a full moon tonight,
and I've got my... thing.

What, you mean the werewolf thing?

Shush, Sheena!
Don't you shush me, Dion.

You're a selfish prick. You said that
we were doing safe sex. Well, look at me!

Yeah? How safe is this?
Yeah, you look great.

I can't get my eyebrows waxed, cos
my whole effing face is an eyebrow.

Yeah, well, I thought
the bushy look was in now.

How am I supposed to go down to Queensgate
and get myself a Wendy's looking like this?

Who's gonna serve me, Dion? Oh,
it's just a once-a-month thing, babe.

This is worse than the time
you gave me pubic lice!

He gave me pubic nits,
man. All over my. Hey!

Don't you think that if I had pubic
lice, I'd have it all over me?

Well, it's not like I've been out
and about any other werewolves.

What about... Shaun?

Shaun? He's real hairy, isn't
he? He's just a guy with a ponytail.

Did you kiss him?
No.

- I saw you at Wendy's!
- Yeah, well, maybe I went to Wendy's with him

but I never pashed him, ever!
Did you lick the same ice-cream?

Yes, we did, but I have no regrets!

Taser situation. Taser situation. I
can't Taser them. It says Oh, my God.

Oh no, look...
We better give them a minute.

We're here at Kurimarama Street attending
a domestic dispute between a former couple

who are now werewolves.

This is a new kind of case for us,
so procedure is a little uncertain,

but we'll definitely look at getting these
two microchipped.

Or, um, if they continue to
cause trouble... neutered. Mm.

Maybe we should go in
and break it up.

We could wait till morning. Yeah,
we could leave it till the morning.

I mean, this is a personal issue, so maybe
best if we just leave it till the morning.

Give them a bit of time
to calm down.

Plus, O'Leary, you're a cat person, so
no point stirring the pot... Minogue, no.

Earlier on, you were saying
you're a cat person. Just no.

Um, but, yeah,
safer communities together.

It's obviously... It's not safe in there at the
moment, but out here it's feeling pretty good.

Job well done.
We're happy.

And there you go.

There you go.

You make a fine police officer.

Welcome to the
New Zealand Police Force.