Wellington Paranormal (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Cop Circles - full transcript

Firstly, congratulations to constables
Savali, Stevens, Lumsky, and Parker,

for successfully removing a cow
from a tree on Friday morning.

Big news day, that one.
Great job, guys.

Now, which brings me to today.

There's been another cow
found up another tree.

Minogue, O'Leary,
I want the two of you on this one.

Hold on, guys.

Voice recognition.
Detective Sergeant Maaka.

Voice recognised. Proceed.

You heard it?

Another cow up another tree.
This cannot be a coincidence.

Is that paranormal?
Is it normal?

Yeah, no, but is it
paranormal, though?

I'm asking, is it normal?

Is it paranormal?

Hmm. But is it normal?

Well, no, it's not very normal. But is it
paranormal? I see what you're saying.

But... is it... normal?

Have a look at this.

It'll just be a couple of kids out in the country,
nothing to do, being a bit silly with a forklift.

That is a rather large
forklift, if you ask me. Hmm.

It's possible that the cow was just standing
really still in a field for a really long time,

and then the tree has just grown
up around it over a period of years.

I was just giving options.

Anyway, this is, to my mind, some
sort of extraterrestrial activity.

If you see here, the cow
got stopped mid-abduction.

Let me demonstrate.

This plate here is an
unidentified flying object;

This saveloy, the cow;
This being the tree.

My theory is that the UFO used some
kind of gravitational pull device,

otherwise known as a tractor beam.

The cow was asleep at the time,
being pulled into mid-air.

Right about here, it gets
a bit too heavy, so...

We're a bit concerned
for you, Sarge.

For me? You should be more concerned
for these poor cows stuck up these trees.

Get out to that farm.

And, uh, one more thing.

If you thought it was weird
on the streets of Wellington,

it is far weirder
out in the country.

You reckon we're alone out
here, O'Leary? In the country?

Nah. Like, in the universe.
The great beyond.

Are you talking about
the existence of aliens?

I think there might be something out there,
yeah. Yeah, well, you're a bit out there.

Yeah. You're a bit out there. Got
you back with a clever insult there.

It's not really a clever insult.
You just repeated what I said.

Oh, yeah. I thought it sounded
familiar. Anyway, if there were aliens,

I'm pretty sure they'd have better
things to do Hey, whoa, whoa

...than put cows up trees
and probe people's anuses.

Maybe.

It's not a footpath, mate.
Hey, mate. Yeah, I know.

Are you all right?

Yeah... Are you a bit
hung-over, mate? Eh?

Bit hung-over. Look, why don't
you just get yourself home,

and you look after yourself, OK?

Yeah, OK. A few Powerades
for you, I think, mate.

Perfect. Yeah. Catch you later.

Been on a stag do, obviously. Well,
looked like he had a pretty good time.

Time of his life.
He stunk.

Someone on this field
out here, O'Leary.

Let's go check it out.

Yeah, so we're here investigating the unusual cow
activity. Obviously, cows don't belong in trees.

No. This hat feels small... so we're out
here to stop them from being put up there

and being put in distress.
Here.

You always give me your hat. They
look the same, though, don't they?

It's really important that the
community remembers that bovines,

they belong on the ground and
never in a tree. Not in the tree.

Now, hang on. That's the tree.

No cow.
No.

Is that...?
No, that was a bird.

Are you, uh... 'Muzza'?

Muzza. That's correct.

Do I know you from somewhere?

Just been called out to investigate
a possible cow-treeing.

Yeah, we can't help but notice there's,
uh Well, there's no cow in the tree now.

Oh, yeah. There was a cow in
the tree. That's why police here.

Uh, yeah. Well, look, it's really great you
managed to get the cow down by yourself.

We didn't actually come with resources to
help you with that. All right. Thank you. Bye.

See you, mate.
Hang on, hold on. Hold on.

Um, could we just get a bit more
information about that photo you sent us?

Yeah.

So have you, uh have you noticed
anything unusual around the farm? Yeah.

Here, O'Leary. Scuse me
just a minute, sir. Right back.

I don't trust this guy. Why not?
Well, he talks with that monotone.

It's a little bit... It's disconcerting.
That's how farmers talk, Minogue.

Just have some respect.
Yeah, but I'm not coming.

Yeah, sorry about that. We're just wondering
how do you think the cow did get into the tree?

Brother put bovine cow in the tree.

And why would he do
something like that?

Can you just tell us how we can get
to your brother's farm, please, sir?

Yeah. Move in this direction with bipedal
walking. Sib-zing's house five minutes away.

OK. It's this way?
That way.

All right. Thank you. All right.

We'll make sure we get to the bottom of this
for you, sir. Have a nice rest of your day.

Make sure you get
to the bottom of this.

Well, he was unusual. They're
all like this in the country, Minogue.

So how long's that been? 45
minutes. It certainly wasn't five.

There's no way it was five.
We could have brought the car.

Sorry, sir. I think we've, uh we've
accidentally come back to the same place.

Who are you?

Um, look, we're just here asking a couple of
questions about a possible cow-treeing incident.

Your brother's actually accused
you of being responsible.

Could we have a wee, you know,
just a look around your property?

Oh, yeah.
Eh?

Move towards the
mysterious field of corn.

I'll herd you.
OK, great.

You'll find the answers that
you need. Oh, that's great.

Uh, we can probably take it from here,
sir. Thanks for your help. Thanks, mate.

No, no, so Yeah. We'll be in touch if
we've got any more questions. Thank you.

You can go. Thanks,
mate. Thanks, mate.

Thanks.

I think that brother
is the freakier brother.

My brother's pretty freaky.
You met Adam?

You introduced me to him.
Huh. It's a small world, isn't it?

That's not a coincidence, Minogue.
You introduced me to him.

Exactly, and you grew up in
completely different places, so how?

Hey, Minogue. Check that out.

So, uh, we appear to have come
across a large circle within some crops.

We're not quite sure
what to call it. Mm.

Actually looks like the cover of Led
Zeppelin's Remasters album. Great album.

It's an amazing album.
There's a lot of rockers on there,

which you can really get into.
Yeah, like in the car. Yeah.

Some really good tunes on that
one, eh? Oh, it's one of my favourites.

Not only did we listen to it there
and I haven't told you this before

I've got this nice flokati rug that
my mother bought me for Christmas,

so I get down into my, uh
my underwear and my singlet there,

and I just lie on my back and
just sort of do a snow angel...

Minogue ...and just sort of
pretend even ...we should probably

get in there and have
a closer look at that.

Yep. No, that's a fair call. I mean, it's
a good album, but... That's a fair call.

Someone's gone to a lot of trouble.

Yeah, although... Either that, or Sergeant
Maaka is right and it's, you know...

What? Aliens?

Extra-terresticles.

Well, it's very disrespectful to
land in some perfectly good crops

when there's heaps of
empty fields over there.

Mm. And I haven't liked farm crops ever since I
got lost in the Amazing Maze 'n Maize in Marton.

What's that, Minogue? See, it's a
labyrinth that was made out of corn.

No, what's that?

There's one there. There's
one over there, over there...

They're everywhere.

Look at this. What is it? Ever
seen one of these before?

What is that?
I dunno. Have you seen one?

No. I've never seen it. Poke it.

Poke it? Yeah. All right.

Argh! Oh God. Ow!
You all right?

No, not really, it
Ow, that really burns. Ow!

Bloody hell, she just...
My eyes! Ow.

...just poked it.

Argh!
Oh, what did you do, Minogue?

You all right?
Why did you do what I just did?

You know I look up to you,
O'Leary. Yeah, come on.

I think I'm blind.
Look, follow me.

Let's get this back
to Sergeant Maaka.

What the hell is it?

We came across this, um this pod. It didn't
actually look like that when we found it, did it?

I don't think it was moving before.
On further investigation.

You advised that I give it
a bit of a poke, to see Yep.

...what it was all about, and at that point, it
sort of emanated this sort of powdery substance

into my face, at which point, you came
on board. Pretty much blinded O'Leary,

so I removed the pod from her hand immediately
to try and make her a little bit safer.

I commenced my own investigation
shortly afterwards, which involved

me also sticking my fingers right into the
middle of it. He did the same thing that I did.

I did the same thing and was shocked
when I got exactly the same result.

We just wanted to let you know we found
this pod, and there were others like it

within, like, a circular pattern
within some crops. Mm-hm. Mm.

So... You mean like perfectly
designed concentric circles

within some sort of
interlocking pattern?

Yup.

Depending on what that means.

Uh, crop circles. OK, did it
look like Led Zeppelin's Remasters?

Yes.
That's a great album.

Agreed.

I knew it.

You You knew what, sir? Oh, that crop circles
are plantation zones for alien vegetation.

Have you got some more
information on these things? Oh, no.

Just telling my mates
online that I was right.

'Was right about Popsicle theory.
More to come. What's up?'

Sir, just the other thing... The
seed it seemed to attack us. Mm.

Almost as if it was
defending itself. Mm.

I believe this is not of this world. I
want you to go and stake out this farm.

There's definitely something
sinister going on in the country.

OK. So, go back to that farm?

OK. And what are we
looking for, specifically?

I want you to look for changes in the
vegetation. I want you to look for UFOs.

Definitely let me know
if you see an alien.

Oh. Yeah, we'd definitely let you
know if we saw an alien, sir. Mm.

I've got a question.
Yes?

If we identify a UFO,
does that just mean it's an FO?

Hmm. Why don't, uh
Why don't you F-O?

'You F-O'. Ha.
I think he wants us to go.

'You F-O.'
Yeah.

O'Leary and I are on the lookout
for alien activity.

We're not scared.

We're actually quite excited.

It's a real waiting game
with this kinda stuff.

We could be out here all night and
not spot anything. That's just how it goes.

O'Leary. O'Leary!

Oh my God.

It's an FO!

O'Leary...

So, uh, we were in pursuit of
what we believed to be a UFO.

Turns out Minogue had actually
just left the police lights on.

Thought it would
help us find the car.

We did find it, so, you
know, he wasn't wrong. Yeah.

And I think we can probably just carry
on. You can probably turn those lights off.

Looks like it's draining the battery.
Shutting it down. Shutting it down.

Do you hear that?

There!

Bazza?! Muzza!

I think he might be a triplet.
He looks a little bit different.

Sir!
Buzza!

He's running now. We're gonna
have to run. What are you doing, sir?

You look extremely suspicious
when you're running, mate.

Stop right there! ...Especially when you're
naked! We don't wanna have to tackle you!

Um, so we're not quite sure
if we've caught Muzza or Bazza here.

He's very confused and doesn't seem to
remember any of our previous conversations.

Mm. I mean, the only thing he can
really be done for is indecent exposure,

but this is his farm, so...

You're allowed to be naked
on your own property. Huh.

Yep.
Go on, now.

So you are allowed to be
naked on your own property?

Yeah.
So...

Well, not your one. I mean, you don't
even have a fence. Well, yeah, that's true,

but I have tried it a couple of times.
My brother said he'd call the cops on me.

- Who did? Your brother?
- Well, he's my flatmate.

Said you're free to go, mate.

Yeah, sir, just return home
and get maybe put some undies on.

He's bloody gone.

What...?

Sarge said record any changes.
These have got huge.

Maybe my cow-treeing theory
wasn't so ridiculous after all, eh?

The tree didn't grow
around the cow, Minogue. OK?

Always poo-pooing my theories.

Look, let's just get some
photographic on these, OK?

Yep, that's good.

Get one with a hat on it.
Look like a plant.

Good. Look scared. Beautiful.

That should do it.

Turn around, Minogue.

The plants are behind you, Minogue.

Why are you following us, guys?

That's corn, Minogue.
Those plants.

Ugh. What is that?

Think it might be acid. Is it acid?

So you can see there that the
plant's got acid all over my jacket

and has completely ruined it, which is a total
lack of respect for another person's property.

So I'm gonna have to turn
this jacket into a vest.

OK, that does actually look like
acid, which is quite concerning.

I mean, these plants could
be very dangerous. Look at it.

Look at that.

Minogue... This jacket's
stuffed. They're coming.

I think we should go.
Go.

Come on.
Go, go, go.

There's so much corn.

It's a dead end, Minogue.
What? Turn around.

Not this way. Let's go up this way.

Back this way. I'm gonna
be too late. I've lost my hat.

Calling for backup,
calling for backup.

It's not gonna work; We're too
far away. We're out of range.

Look, well Calling for backup! Can
you hear us? Stand on your tiptoes.

What? Stand on your
tiptoes. It'll get us further.

No, you do it. I can't stand on
your tiptoes. They're your feet.

Just use your radio, Minogue!

I need to retrieve my hat.
I'm retrieving my hat.

Calling for backup,
calling for backup.

Minogue, where are you?
Look at this jacket.

Did you Did anyone reply?

I wasn't thinking about that. I was
thinking about my Turn around. Try that one.

They're coming, O'Leary.
We've gotta exit the field.

Good.

Oh, what's this?

Ugh. You should be
used to this by now, mate.

What? Seeing three freaky
plants eating a cow?

Well, yeah, that is
actually quite unusual.

So it would appear that
the plants are carnivorous.

Or omnivorous. We haven't actually seen
them eat any plant or vegetable matter,

but it is possible that their
diet isn't strictly carnivorous.

I mean, we'd like to make an arrest
for tampering with livestock,

but it's very unclear what proper procedure
is here. I mean, I don't care if you are

from another planet. If you come to
New Zealand, you should respect our rules.

Yeah, but there's not a lot more we can do here,
so I think we should just quietly make our way back

to the station and hand over those photos to Sergeant
Maaka, get some more information on these things.

That's a fantastic idea. I think if we get
out of here as fast and safely as we can.

- And calmly.
- Absolutely.

Calling for backup, calling
for backup. Calling for backup.

- Are you repeating me?
- Are you repeating me?

That's just repeating what she's saying,
mate. It's not a clever insult at all.

It's not
a clever insult at all.

It's outsmarted me, O'Leary.

Calling for backup.
Calling for backup!

Minogue, O'Leary,
can you hear me? Over.

Yes, yes, we can. Where are you,
Maaka? We need you. We need backup.

Yeah, I I'm right here. Oh. Oh.

The range on these walkie-talkies
is really terrible, eh?

Can you hear me? Is it It's right
there. Yeah, seems to be working.

How did you know to come after us? The
alien pod in my office grew rather large

and proceeded to attack me in
a violent and threatening manner.

Got unruly, so I had to detain it.
Anyway, I brought this along.

All right, officers, let's go
take out these weeds.

There.
Cover your noses.

Abort! Abort!

- I got it in my I got it in my eyes!
- I've got it in my mo...

What I have ascertained from this
encounter is that these things are

a hostile, intelligent
extraterrestrial flora.

- Was pursuing aliens.
- Now I'm being pursued by aliens.

The extremely dangerous weed spray is highly
ineffective. It gets them, and, uh, they keep copying us.

And, uh, they keep
copying us. Shut up.

I'm gonna see how these
plants react to a Taser.

The plants can tase back.

Sarge. Sarge!

I'm kinda busy, Minogue!

Can I get some backup when you've
got a minute, please, Sarge?

O'Leary! They're trying to track us. They're
trying to track us. Look! There's one, there.

Sarge, we need backup.

Minogue, O'Leary, put your hands up!
They're intimidated by size.

Bad information.

Argh! They're probing us
now Ah! They're touching us.

We're being probed, Sarge!

It's the bad kind
of touching, Sarge!

Bad kind of touching, Sarge.

Sarge! When we're
afraid, they're afraid. Right.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

OK. OK, now!

OK, now. Go, go, go! Get, get.

Get Get!

Stay there, you bastard.
Did we manage to secure them all?

No.

So, we've taken care of some,
uh, intruders on your property.

What kind of intruders?
Uh... Just, um Just intruders.

Also, you might wanna think about doing
a bit more spraying around the farm, OK?

Some of it's getting a
little bit out of hand. Mm.

It might just be to your benefit. And you might
just wanna stay out of the shed for a while.

Ah. Sister?

Nah. This is my wife, Sharon.

Hmm. OK, well, look. I mean,
um We should probably...

We should probably be going.

Um, yeah. But, like we said, just let us know
if you notice anything, um... anything weird.

Yeah. Will do.
Thank you for your time.

Do you think they might have been a family...
before they became a family? You know what I mean?

I don't know. I mean, it can happen to
have the smaller gene pool, but that was...

...unbelievable.
...something else.

Were they quadruplets and some
of them just grew faster than others?

Yeah, so, we've diffused the threat in
the situation, and it Are you off, Sarge?

Ah, yep. Great job.

Uh, yeah. So we've diffused
the threat in the situation,

and everything appears to be back to normal.
Obviously, these plants aren't endemic to New Zealand,

and we'll get the Department
of Conservation to investigate.

Oh, you're back, Sarge.
Yep, I'm here.

And we need to make sure that
they're not a threat to local flora.

You never know, could have been trekked
in on a tourist boot, something like that.

Mm. The important thing is
that the people are safe Mm-hm.

...and the cows are safe. And people and cows can
rest assured that the New Zealand police force.

You know, we take this
sort of thing very seriously.

And our eyes, our ears
are always open.

We'll be working very
hard to make sure

that the New Zealand public know that they don't have
to worry about this sort of thing happening again.

Can't see anyone else handling
that any better than we did.

Let's head back, eh?

The battery's flat.

Car 4 to base. We've got
a battery down, a battery down.

If we could have some assistance on-site
as soon as possible. Thank you. Out.

So, Minogue... Mm-hm?
...the battery's flat.

Yep. That runs off the battery.

Yeah, I know. I got
someone coming out.

They can't hear us. That
Hang on. Calling for backup.

Copy, O'Leary.
Go ahead for assistance.

Did you just talk to me on that?

Yeah. Leave it to me. Copy that.

Captions C SBS Australia 2018