Welcome to Flatch (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - The Devil's Backbone - full transcript

So there's not a lot
to do in Flatch,

like, entertainment wise,

so we make videos.

Almost.

Oh! Oh, oh, oh!

Go!

Wow!

Wait, wait.
This is our best one.

Look.

Hey, followers.

Today we're about to bear mace
Shrub in the face.



Three, two, one!

[bleep]!

Oh, God!

Does it hurt?

Oh, it burns, it burns.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Ow!

If you're old,
you might not know this,

but reunion videos
are very popular online.

Yes, yes.

So we landed a whale.

Okay, Julius from Father Joe's
old religious boy band,

A-Men, is in town.

He's playing a show in Pockton.



Yeah, and we're gonna
get him here,

and we're gonna film
that reunion with Father Joe.

I'm an influencer.
That's a fact, okay?

But in terms of,
you know, numbers,

we've technically never gotten
over 25 views on a video,

but if we get our numbers up,

we could become, like,
legit mega influencers,

AKA, loads of free stuff.

Like, I follow this one girl,

and sometimes cases of chips
will just show up at her house.

You know, like flavors that
aren't even out yet,

like "hot vanilla crunch."

I like to start
my mornings off with a run.

You know?
It's a great way to enjoy

some peace and quiet.

Most of the rest of my days

are spent listening
to people complain.

Not that I'm complaining.

Yeah, that's my job.

Heavy is the neck that

wears the minister's collar.

Do you think
you own the sidewalk?

Sometimes the complaints
bleed into the run.

Dude, I cannot believe
you actually got

Julius to come here.

Like, what did you even say?

Nothing.

Persuasion is one of my skills.

I can also suck
my stomach in weird

so it looks like E. T.'s face.

What?

This only has, like,
three greens.

What a rip-off.

So I'm actually
pretty much an expert

on what musicians like
when they're on tour.

I read most
of an article about it.

All green M&M's is a big one.

Probably where the term
green room comes from.

This is serious.

We have
a celebrity coming, okay?

My job is to keep him happy.

Happy Julius equals
happy reunion video

equals hot vanilla
crunch Doritos.

Simple math.

I did see that Julius is
playing Pockton,

and in fact,
I'm going to interview him

for my book about A-Men.

I started it a long time ago,

but I put it aside
to get my life together,

and now that that's done,

time to do the darn thing.

My working title is
The A-Men Bible .

Who am I kidding?

That's the title.

Hey, Nadine.

Oh, hi, Cheryl.

You're standing between me
and my seaweed chips.

- Oh, sorry.
- Thanks.

- Bye, lovebug.
- Bye.

I got a good feeling
about this.

Don't, don't jinx it, Dylan.

- God...
- Sorry. Scoot past you.

What was that about?

Dylan and I have
a really small window

to make baby number two
if we want to be

on track for three kids
by the time I turn 26.

Wait.

Did you just have sex
in the historical society?

Cheryl, I really prefer
to say "making love."

Okay?
Now excuse me.

Gotta go lay
in a weird position.

There he is!

Hello, Julius.

Sick bike.

Okay.
Where's the dying kid?

You told him I was dying?

What the hell, dude?

It was the only way
to get him here

without ruining
the surprise reunion.

Just play along
until we get the video.

Let's get to it!

Okay, Julius.

Please help yourself
to anything here.

We have M&M's.

All green, obviously.

Not an idiot.
Pineapple soda.

Oh, and this
is a special edition

Minions 2 Jell-O pudding.

Can I just get a water?

Of course.

Sparkling or tap?

Definitely sparkling.

Is tap okay?

Yeah, not a great start.

I mean,
we don't even drink the water.

I know you got
a million questions for me,

so hit me.

What do you want to know?

This is your moment.

He just--

he must be so nervous.

He's definitely not so dumb

that he can't think
of a single question.

Yeah, how about this?

What's your favorite song
of mine?

Um, song?

Oh, that's a toughy.

Probably all of them?

- You want to sing one?
- No, that--

Come on, get up, get up.

Boom.

Gotta do the move.

Boom, boom, boom, boom.

♪ Yahweh

♪ Or the highway

Do the move.
Do the move.

Yeah.

♪ Yahweh

-♪ Yahweh
- ♪ Yahweh

♪ Or the highway

Do the choreography.

♪ Highway

♪ Yahweh

I'm gonna kill her.

♪ Yahweh

Okay, you guys,
I'm sorry to interrupt,

but we actually have to head
over to the church

for another big surprise.

Look, this better not be
another dying kid,

'cause I only agreed to one.

No, sir.

You were very clear
in your email.

Great.

Who's driving?

The gardening club's

big meatloaf dinner fundraiser

is tonight.

The ladies are...

very particular.

Father Joe.

Did you remember to change out
those buffet warmers

for electric?

I did, June.

Oh.
Okay.

Okay, now.

Joe?

What are you doing here?

You guys should, like, hug
and reunite.

Excuse me, I just have to...

Probably just shock.

He's so happy.

Uh-oh, oh, oh,
we got a runner.

We got a runner.

Hey, buddy.

We kind of lost you back there.

How're you doing?

Kelly, you just can't
spring something like that

on me.

My relationship with A-Men
is complicated.

I had a pretty big ego
back then,

and it didn't end great.

It was bad.

It was at the religious music
awards, the Goddys,

and, for some reason,
that was the night

that Joe decided
to tell the band

that he was going solo.

I thought
they'd be happy for me.

Solo Joe.

I wasn't thinking straight.

It's hard to keep
your ego in check

when your face
is on posters next to Jesus.

Right.

When we won our Goddy,

things only got worse.

Joe hogged the mic
for the entire speech.

and you could just see
Julius fuming.

Finally, he lunges at the mic,

and they start wrestling,
and Joe rips off

one of Julius' shirt sleeves.

Joe's shirt
was already sleeveless.

By the end, they were just
rolling around on the ground.

I mean, it was crazy.

I was there.

After that,
we went our separate ways.

But...

Julius,

he loved the band.

I took away
the one good thing he had.

Look at it this way, you know?

This could be your chance
to clear the air.

You know?

That's actually
a very good point, Kelly.

Thank you for listening.

No problem, of course.

You know, and when
you do talk to him,

definitely don't be scared
to, you know, shed a few tears.

Let's get you up.

Oh, okay.

- Meatloaf dinner, huh?
- Mm-hmm.

That's pretty cool.

But you know what's
really cool?

Spaghetti dinner.

If you have the right sauce.

Tomato Julius.

Certified organic
farm-to-jar perfection.

Music? Sure, I love it.

But sauce?

That's my jam.

Oh, what the hey!

Meatballs are just
tiny meatloaves anyway.

Spaghetti dinner it is.

Now that's a smart tomato.

It's so lovely
of you to come visit

your old friend, Joe.

I'm not here for Joe.

I'm here 'cause
that kid's dying.

Great, now June
thinks I'm dying,

which means the whole town
is gonna think I'm dying

in about 10 minutes.

Word travels fast in Flatch.

Oh! Oh...
Sorry.

Hey, hey, hey.

Remember
to do push-ups later, okay?

'cause we want to keep
the blood flowing.

And be home by five, sharp.

Five sharp.
Got it.

Bye, okay, thanks, champ. Bye.

Could you maybe not use
the communal restroom

to make love?

I mean, I could go to Dylan,

but I maintain a career here.

It's called having it all.

Okay, maybe just
hide it better?

Well, I'm sorry that
I don't want to end up

with only two kids,
a husband who loves me,

an amazing career,
and a geriatric uterus.

Think about it.
I would rather be dead.

Honestly.

No offence.

I just wanted to apologize

for letting
my head get too big

and for the fight.

And the shirt?

You ruined my best shirt.

Yes, and the shirt.

But really for leaving
the band like that.

I just--I feel so guilty.

I robbed you of so much.

Joe, come on, man.
Robbed me?

My life's great.

I mean, sure,
I hated you at the time,

but I have zero regrets.

I got my solo career, kids,

gorgeous wife, I mean,
you should see her.

Even more gorgeous tomato farm.
Okay?

I should be thanking you.
I have two boats!

Really?
Two boats?

Yeah, you gotta have two

in case one breaks, right?

It's kinda hard to hear
what you guys are saying.

Could you speak up?

Kelly, can you just
give us a moment?

Okay.

So what about you?

You gotta be still
performing, right?

No, no.

Fans?

Yeah, I'm actually
the minister of this church.

Oh, you know what?
I did hear that.

You know, you must really
love this place.

I took a peek at your office,

and that thing is smaller
than some of my closets.

Yeah.

You married?

No.

Girlfriend, right?

Fiancée?

Nope.

You got, like,
a dog or anything?

Well, he seems
to be doing well.

Very well.

Way better than I am, actually.

That's a load off.

Phew.

Okay, Shrub.

- You can let go now.
- Sorry.

So what do you want to do next?

You wanna learn
some choreography?

Um, no, I'm pretty wiped.

A side effect of dying,
I guess.

Right.

Hey listen, if this
kid's spent, that's fine.

I mean,
I'm pretty exhausted too,

so you got a place
I can take a nap?

Okay.

- You stuck?
- Help me.

It's like no one cares
that I'm dying.

Everyone's just going
about their business.

The mailman
saw me staring right at him.

Nothing.

I mean, it's been hours.

Everyone knows by now.

I have not gotten
a single call or text.

Nothing.

Not even stupid Mickey.

Hey, when Julius wakes up
and comes downstairs,

I'm gonna need you to hit him
with the bear mace.

Cool?

Kelly, I think I know

why no one cares
that I'm dying.

Because you're not dying?

Yeah, but they don't know
that, Kelly.

So everyone technically
should be freaking out,

and they're not,
and you know why?

Because I totally wasted
my life.

- That's ridiculous.
- No, I have.

I have completely wasted it.

I should have tried
to meet my father.

I should told my nana
I loved her more.

I should have made things
work with Beth,

my one true love.

Obviously my biggest regret...

I never went down
the Devil's Backbone.

The Devil's Backbone
is this, like,

super scary drop-off
that kids would go down

on their scooters back
when scooters were a thing,

and, like, if you did it, like,

you were an instant legend,

but...

every time I went up,
I just chickened out,

so now that is my legacy.

There's only one answer
to a meaningless life.

Devil's Backbone.

You dropping in?

Yeah.

You can go ahead of me.

Okay.

Go ahead. It's easy.

Bro, you're laming
up The Backbone.

Just go, you baby.

Shut up, Levi.
Nobody cares.

Shut up. I have a process.

Hey, Shrub, you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm just a man who's completely

done nothing with his life.

- Yeah, I'm great.
- Okay.

I can see my tombstone now.

Here lies Shrub Mallet.

Big-ass failure.

And, like, a super cool skull

with flames coming
out of the eyes, I don't know.

Is it expensive
to get pictures on there?

So I'm in the middle of a run,

and I got that
spaghetti dinner in an hour,

so if you're okay,
I can, you know...

Wow, wow.

This is bad.

You're literally paid
to care about people,

and even you don't even care
that I'm dying.

Dying?

Nobody told me you're dying.

Exactly!

I'm not actually dying,
I'm just...

Do you ever just,
like, feel like you missed

your chance to matter?

Not you, obviously,
'cause you're just, like,

God's soldier
or whatever, but...

No, actually,
I know what you mean.

If I would have
stuck with A-Men,

maybe things would
have been different for me.

I could have had a house,
you know?

A wife.

She would have worked
at the newspaper.

We could have kids.

I would have had a recording
studio in the basement.

Dave Matthews would have
stopped by just to jam.

At least one boat.

A French Bulldog named Sausage.

Or Bacon, as long
as it's a breakfast meat.

You make your choices.

Now I'm here.

Yeah.

You totally blew it.

Oh, huh,

oh, my God.

- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Oh, my God.

Did you just see that?

I did. Whoa.

Did I do a backflip?

I can't even--

I blacked out.
I don't even remember.

There he is.

Surprise, Shrub.

Yeah, Shrub!

If you're sick,
everyone loves you.

This is no longer
a fundraiser

for the garden club.

We used a melon baller
on all the meatloaf

and made it into a spaghetti
fundraiser for you

Wow.

Wait, really?

- Yeah, really?
- Yep, mm-hmm, yeah.

Wait, so, like,
everyone does care?

Of course we care.

We won't have
any zinnias next year,

but hopefully
we'll still have a Shrub.

Um, okay, um...

so quick announcement, um...

Actually, hold on.

Wow, um,

these past 24 hours

have taught me

just a lot about

just about my legacy here

on planet Earth.

Today I went down
the Devil's Backbone.

Whoo!
Yes.

That's right!

Yeah, you've got
to face your fears, people.

So, like, now, I'm a legend.

I guess I just--
I had never realized

how quickly you can go

from being no one to, like,
definitely someone.

And it's never too late.

And the best part
of this whole thing:

I learned all of that,

and I'm not even dying,
you guys.

What?
Like, at all.

Big misunderstanding.

Yes, yeah.

Yeah, it's a win-win.

That's awesome, guys.

Thank you so much for this.
Let's eat.

Well, I'm happy he's going
to live,

but truthfully, I'm happier
I'm getting my zinnias.

Hey, hey.

You didn't think
I'd miss a spaghetti party

with my own sauce, did you?

Hey,
I'm still so sorry--

Reunion!

Sing a song!

Sing a song!

Okay, okay, I get it,
I get it, stop.

Come on, Joe,
let's sing for them, man.

Oh, I would, but I don't have
any instruments.

No, I got
the backing tracks right here.

I keep them in the cloud

so I can do karaoke
in all my mansions.

You don't know nothing
about that.

- No.
- Come on.

Make some noise for A-Men.

Father Joe, y'all,
it's Father Joe.

♪

A-Men.
A-Men!

D-W-I!

JULIUS
Come on, girl.

♪ Got you in my car

♪ Riding in the hood

♪ Don't know
where we are going ♪

♪ But it's somewhere
pretty good ♪

♪ The big man's got a plan

♪ We just going for the ride

♪ So hang on to me baby

♪ And let him slip inside

♪ Baby, I know you love me

♪ And I love you too

Better love me!

♪ So go ahead
and let him touch you ♪

♪ It's all good

All good.
Let him touch you!

Honk the horn on them!

Uh-uh.

Start the engine
on them.

Whoo. Yeah.

A-Men.

Come on!

Get the holy way.

In the name of the Father,
the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

DWI!

♪ Heaven's our destination

DWI!

Yeah! Up there.

So I decided
not to video the performance.

It would have gotten
a ton of views,

but I learned something
this week.

You know, sometimes
you just gotta be present,

or else you end up experiencing
your whole life

just through your phone.

Also, my battery died.

Thank you, Flatch!
We love you!

It was awesome
to perform again.

But you know what?

I don't want Julius's life.

I like this one.

I like being in a town
that cares about zinnias

and fake dying kids.

Also, Cheryl did some digging,
and it turns out

that Julius' two boats
are kayaks.

That's, like, half a boat
at best.

I'm not saying that
makes me feel any better,

but it doesn't
make me feel any worse.

Hey, we're going live!

No, no, no, hold on,
hold on, hold on.

Not only is this video
gonna blow up,

but Julius just gave us
20 bucks

just so Shrub would wear
a Tomato Julius shirt.

Plus we get to keep the shirt.

Whoo!

Oh!

Oh, my God, wait.

We have 52 views
and counting, dude.

Wait, that's our best one yet.

Awesome. [bleep],
I'm good.

Agh.
Agh.