Welcome to Flatch (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 10 - On the Hooky - full transcript
So it's actually a pretty
big day, so gotta fuel up.
Today's actually gonna be
our first Saturday apart
from each other
since, like, 2004
because I got a job.
Um, yeah.
I'm working at
Dylan's dad's car dealership,
which is crazy.
- I'm so pumped up though.
- Yeah.
I've got a ton of plans
today too, so it's no big deal
that Shrub can't be around,
you know?
I can finally cross some stuff
off my to-do list,
which I would show you guys,
but it's a private list.
Uh, and, you know, just know
that it's really long, so...
I guess I'm just, like,
hoping for new friendships?
Also to mess with
people's radio presets.
Because I think that's--Kelly?
Not cool, Kelly!
Smaller bites today, maybe?
It's fine, okay?
I can Heimlich myself.
I just don't know where to go
after peace be with you.
Dot, dot, dot.
You got the three dots?
Yeah.
It's called an ellipsis.
On Saturdays, Joe dictates
his sermon and I type it up.
But today he was dealing
with some major writer's block,
making that expression
my dog makes
when she feels constipated.
And honestly,
it's real uncomfortable.
Hmm.
I could do
Footprints on the Beach.
I think we both know
you're better than that.
Ugh! Okay, you know what?
I'm gonna go out for a bit,
all right?
I'm gonna head
to the driving range.
Hitting balls always helps me
clear my head.
- You gonna play hooky?
- Only for a few hours.
Come on.
If anybody asks,
you just cover for me.
You say I'm, uh, doing, like,
a hospice thing.
Too sad?
Oh, you decide.
Welcome to Parney Motors.
I'm gonna give you a tour.
Um, right here we got the uh,
sort of office car situation.
Uh, we got a vending machine
back there, a couple trophies,
a gumball machine
with a bunch of candies.
Um, over here,
we have the beverage station,
unlimited sugar packets,
which is dope.
Um, over there,
I don't know, but I'm guessing
that's where me and the boys
are gonna chillax.
Um, let's see what else.
We've got pamphlets over there.
- Hey, man.
- Hey, Dylan.
- Good to see you.
- Good to see you too.
- Glad the job worked out.
- Yeah.
Well, let me show you
the detailing bay.
This area's sort of
for customers and uh, suits.
- Oh.
- It's my dad's rule.
- It's not mine.
- Yeah.
- I was wondering.
- Yeah.
But I'd love to catch up
with you later though.
Kelly, what the heck?
Hey, Father Joe.
I can't talk for long.
- I have a really busy day.
- Yeah, me too.
I'm headed
to the driving range.
I've got some serious
sermon brainstorming to do.
Okay, look at you,
Tiger Woods.
I could come along
if you wanted.
I think I can use
some time alone.
Me too.
You read my mind.
- Don't--
- Oh.
Mugs are earned.
All right, people.
Time to get to work.
Phones in the box.
Can't have any texting
in the bay.
You need to stay alert, focused.
No more accidents.
Last guy was swiping on Tinder
and fell face first
into the nozzle
of an industrial vac.
They can do a lot
with prosthetics,
but at the end of the day,
he really misses his nose.
So as far as I can tell,
detailing means cleaning,
which sucks,
but I'm really trying to
get in good with these guys.
Especially Dave.
Hey, working hard
or hardly working,
am I right, uh, fellas?
So where the hell
are all the gophers?
Or is Caddyshack
just like totally fiction?
Oh, no. This is so fun.
Yeah, Kelly is,
as always, a hoot.
Here's the thing.
I need to take this time
to destress and focus,
♪Selfcare, et cetera.
And I still don't have
my sermon yet,
and that's kind of literally
my only job.
Shoe!
Shoe!
Shoe!
- Don't screw up!
- Cheese and crackers!
Kelly!
I just--I need some
peace and quiet, okay?
Please respect that.
Fine, I'll just go find
some used balls.
That's what she said.
Hi, hi.
You up for some lunch?
No, I'm busy.
- Oh, what you workin' on?
- Joe's sermon.
Makin' some grammatical changes
and spicin' it up
so people don't fall asleep
and choke on their drool.
Oh, I usually--
well, you know, I--I used
to do that for his sermons.
I can take a look.
No, I got it.
It's my job, so...
Oh, sorta my job too, because
I'm a professional writer.
Editing just gets me
so jazzed up.
Cheryl, you need to back
the hell up right now.
- I am backed up.
- This is stupid.
Joe's out playing golf
and we're both fighting over
who gets to do
his work for him.
This is some patriarchy
We should play hooky too.
'Cause I'm not gonna let you
see the sermon, so...
Yeah, no, I don't wanna.
Let's play hooky.
Ladies' day.
Don't do that.
Oh.
Oh, I-I-I didn't touch anything.
I don't know why
that just did that.
You gotta really
get in there, Shrub.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Nice.
SHRUB Wait, what?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, guys.
Hey!
Hey, guys!
Turn it off!
Very funny, guys.
Very funny.
Traditional hazing.
Can't wait to see what you guys
did to my sandwich.
You don't mess
with a man's sandwich.
Sometimes,
that's all that he has.
We did try and flush his hat
down the toilet, though.
He just put it right back on.
That kid's either all right
or all wrong.
Still deciding.
Kelly!
Kelly, look out!
Ooh!
Kelly!
Oh, geez!
Kelly, I am so sorry!
Where does it hurt?
Shooting pains
all up and down.
And yeah, big deal,
I didn't shave my legs,
'cause it's not Tuesday--ow!
I don't see any marks!
Oh, geez!
I didn't touch anything.
Kelly says she hates drama,
but I one time called her
a drama queen,
and she didn't talk to me
for two days, so...
do the math.
Oh, um,
do you need a wheelchair?
There's no time!
Well, good.
Thank you.
Okay.
Are you not able to bend?
Just bend your knees
to sit down?
- I don't trust them right now.
- Your knees?
The most serious injuries
are the ones you cannot see.
Like, they're called
medical mysteries.
So, yeah,
there's no visible mark
on my leg, yet,
but I feel pain all over.
The human body is designed
to betray you.
Like, this is way more
than a bruise, dude.
I did not need this today.
This will teach Shrub
to abandon me
on a Saturday of all days.
Okay, just calm down.
Have you tried calling him?
Uh, duh!
He's in my emergency contacts,
so of course,
I've tried calling him.
I've texted him.
I even sent him the poop emoji,
which is our code
for going down.
Nothing.
I'm totally alone.
No offense.
Is there anyone who could
come be with you right now,
like maybe your mom
or your dad?
I don't want to be a burden.
Well, it's just that,
you know,
I haven't exactly
finished my sermon, so...
I thought that was you,
Father Joe, out in the wild.
Don't mean to bother you.
Just want to let you know
you seem to be parked
in a red zone out there.
Ah, geez!
Thanks.
I'll go move it.
Ugh! Ow! Ah-ha-ha!
Ugh.
- Guys givin' you a hard time?
- Not really.
I can take it.
Kinda.
You just gotta
prove yourself.
Then they'll leave you alone.
I can see
that you are an artist, Shrub.
Really?
Wait, did you see my wall art
by the urinal?
What?
No.
I saw you vacuum
the word "boobs"
into that Camry carpet.
That is something
I can work with.
Hell, yeah.
But I don't just
apprentice anyone.
You have to be willing
to do the work.
Okay.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
What about the guy that fell
and doesn't have
a nose anymore?
- Shh.
- Oh, God.
- Relax.
- I don't like this.
I do not like this.
Now vacuum the crumbs.
Yeah, but I don't see
the crumbs.
You have to feel them.
Oh, my God.
Take a deep breath.
Long enough to say the word
"Linda" in your head.
Linda.
Yes.
- You got this.
- Ah!
Linda is a great boss.
Other than Father Joe,
basically zero other adults
have ever believed
I could do anything, ever.
Plus I'm used to having strong
women tell me what to do.
I mean, even Beth had
a quiet command of the room.
Linda, she kinda reminds me
of my Nan a little bit,
but like, way more mobile.
Broader shoulders.
Oh!
I have not been day drinking
in ages.
All right, Sandra Dee.
Calm down.
Part of playing hooky is
not making a big deal about it.
Hi.
Can we get two chardonnays?
Oh, with ice, please,
if you've got it.
- Ice?
- To keep it cold.
Ice?
Hold my phone.
I need to update my followers.
Grotesque injuries
equal crazy views.
Okay, hold it up.
Okay.
Ugh!
What's up, homies?
Just currently living
that emergency room life.
If I don't make it out of here,
I love every single one of you.
Except, you know who you are.
So basically, I took a ball
to the kneecap at close range.
It was, like, fwho.
And I was, like, aaah!
Kay, let me see.
Her injury seems
to be getting worse?
I don't even know
how that's possible.
I mean, to be perfectly frank,
I think it, uh,
isn't very serious.
I mean, we have been here
for an eternity.
You know,
hooky in small doses is fine,
but this is downright irresponsible.
Father Joe, I need help
going to the bathroom.
It's number two.
Oh, I should find my phone
and text that to Kelly.
She loves baby animals
taking on the big scary world.
- Hey, kid.
- Hey.
We're gonna watch
Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?
It's what we do
on our lunch break.
Yeah, no, I get it.
Uh, let me just
get outta your hair.
No, you can join us
if you want.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Yeah?
Oh.
Okay, yeah. Totally.
Hey, I was just checkin' to see
if you wanted to grab
some Arby's.
Roast beef on me.
Uh, yeah, right, Dylan.
I would rather buff my own
balls than get lunch with you.
Oh, and by the way,
no suits allowed, dude.
Did it hurt my feelings?
- All right.
- That's that.
Kinda.
It was more surprising
than anything.
I was just trying to be nice.
Hey, Dylan, Dylan.
So sorry about that.
I've just got to keep up appearances,
you know what I mean?
It's just, like, really
not cool to be seen with you,
which is the opposite thing
of high school, I know.
World's crazy, but um,
I'll see you later, okay?
I gotta say,
the ice was a good call.
- Thank you.
- Well, hey there.
You know,
I couldn't help but notice,
even from all the way
over there,
that your eyes
are intoxicating.
I know.
Oh, who here has tried
colored contacts?
Well, I need to use
the little girls' room,
but, uh,
will you watch my wine?
That lady is
layin' it on thick.
I haven't been hit on like that
in a while.
Oh, my gosh.
I didn't even notice!
Yeah, I can barely navigate
heterosexual flirting.
No, when she comes back,
I'm gonna be your wingman--
your wingperson--
it's a wing woman--what?
That's--no,
that's not necessary.
No, listen, I used to do this
for my friends
in Minneapolis all the time.
Consider the deal sealed.
If you're ordering a pizza,
I'll take the--
No, I'm trying to reach Mandy,
but she's not answering.
I warmed up the doctor for you.
Oh, thanks,
but I'm here for her.
Oh, so nice of you
to take the entire day off
before the real work happens
tomorrow on Sunday.
Well, I'm not taking
the day off.
And uh, my sermon
is already done,
so I don't know
what you're talkin' about.
He hit me with a projectile.
Peace be with you.
Also with you.
- Hey, hey, Kelly?
- Mm?
Um, if anyone asks,
you don't really
have to give them
all the details of today, okay?
Like, no one needs to know
I was
on the other end of that ball.
Or that I was even
playing golf at all.
- Oh.
- I mean, none of that.
So, you want me
to lie for you.
But you wouldn't let me write
that I was a stunt woman
on the intake form.
Wow.
No, it's not a lie.
It's an omission of truth.
I think you're getting
a parking ticket.
No.
No!
No! No!
Shrub, I got a job for you.
It's an important one.
But I think
you're ready for it.
Locked and loaded.
Ride or die.
God and glory.
Let's go.
Classic Mazda SUV.
Didn't look like much at first,
but this thing was tricked out.
Leather steering wheel,
so you know
I busted out that horsehair.
Before today,
I hadn't cleaned anything
that wasn't my own body
or, like, a dish.
But Linda taught me
that everything can be
just a little bit cleaner.
Also, I figured out a way
to ride the buffer around.
Did you know that Mandy is
an accomplished tattoo artist?
Oh, really?
Well, this is kind of embarrassing,
but I have a tattoo of a little
bundt cake on my ankle.
Oh, I love bundt cake.
Sliding Doors moment.
Mm.
That's--that's not
how that works.
Do you enjoy baking?
I do not. Yes.
Me too.
Okay, right here, right now,
favorite recipe blog.
On the count of three.
One, two.
Muffin...
To Worry About!
- Yes! Oh, I love that!
- No way.
Ooh, woo-hoo!
This is hilarious.
Honestly,
Maureen is not my type.
My type plays it cool,
has a little meat
on their bones,
and owns zero cardigans
if they're a woman,
lots of cardigans
if they're a man.
It's really important.
- Great job, son.
- Thanks, Mom.
- Oh, no, that's not--
- No, no, that's--Linda, sorry.
Wait, what?
No.
It's Dylan's car?
Thanks for telling me.
Oh, wait, w-w-w-w-w--
no, no, no, no, ah!
Are you seriously kidding me
right now, Dylan?
I just did
a counterclockwise rubdown
of every single inch
of this hood.
Lin-da.
I'm sorry that I yelled at you.
I'm just--it's insane to me
that these cars
are going to get dirty again
when they leave here.
No problem.
Parking here
in a red zone.
I'm Father Joe, okay?
I can't--
That's one heck of
a parking space there.
No.
Please, no, please.
Okay, then--
- What are you do--
- Oh, my God.
I cannot believe
that Shrub is missing this.
It almost makes me forget
about my leg.
You know what?
- It really hurts bad though.
- Come on!
We have been waiting here
for four hours.
Four hours!
And we have got no updates!
And we just sit there.
And she's in pain, okay?
So I don't know
what it's going to take
to be seen by a doctor here,
but let me know!
Because I've had enough!
Kelly?
Nope.
You're next.
Excellent.
So I said to him,
this is false advertising.
This is not a snuggie.
It's a slanket!
Maureen,
you are a gem and a half.
Well, the same could be said
about you.
Mm.
Look, I know you two
are a packaged deal.
And frankly, I'm into it.
So what do you say,
we go get a room
at the Red Roof
and see where
the afternoon takes us?
Oh, I'm not sure
that sounds so...
That's going to be a hard no,
but we appreciate the offer.
Totally understand.
But, if you change your mind,
I am here every Saturday.
Not because I have no life,
but because I'm a sexually
frustrated alcoholic, so...
Oh, I can't believe
that just happened!
Oh, my gosh, Mandy.
She thought we were a couple!
I know!
It kills me!
You and I together!
Even if we were the last
two people in Flatch,
I would still scoot
my ass over to Pockton.
I know, right?
Wait, what?
Oh!
That was cool.
Hey, kid.
You did good today.
Thanks.
We don't give the Dilbert
Y2K mug to just anybody.
We always split
the loose change
we find in the car seats.
Here you go.
17 cents for a job well done.
- Oh.
- Welcome aboard.
Nope, nope, nope.
Oh, my God.
That's just--that's crazy.
Oh, my God.
Wait, 158 missed calls
and texts from Kelly?
Oh, my God,
that's the poop emoji,
I told her to go easy today.
Yeah, I mean,
I'm not surprised
that Kelly went
to urgent care,
but um, low key...
Dude, today was, like,
the best day.
Like, I have new friends that
actually think that I'm cool,
and people who, like,
appreciate my artistry.
I mean, oh, man.
I just--
I want to feel this fulfilled
every single day of my life.
And I'm getting paid! Money!
Uh, adult much?
So it's like
a really big bruise.
Like, bruise isn't even
the right word for it.
It's like a contusion.
Well, she said
it could've been a contusion
if I'd been hit
just a little harder.
Father Joe definitely didn't
need to hulk out like that,
but no one's ever done that
for me before.
Shrub, on the other hand,
completely abandoned me.
Makes me wonder if he cares
more about me or him.
Nope,
I didn't finish my sermon.
Over there! - But you know what?
When Kelly was squeezing
my hand really hard
in that doctor's office,
when she was getting
her temperature taken,
I realized that self-care
meant other person care.
Maybe that's what being
a good person is--
being there for your people
in their time of need,
even when it's not convenient.
Just like it says
in Ecclesiastes 4,
sometimes we don't see God's
plan until it hits you hard,
like a well-driven golf ball.
I just wish I knew
what to write my sermon about.
I guess I'm going
to have to recycle
my Earth Day material again.
I don't know, it was crazy,
'cause, like, when they flushed
my hat down the toilet,
I was definitely pissed,
but, like, at the same time
I was also, like--
Today was like
the craziest day of my life.
And I can't believe
you missed it
'cause you were like,
sniffing bleach or whatever.
Wait, let's watch Father Joe
lose his again.
But for real, today,
I was, like,
almost completely alone, okay?
You can't let something
like work get in the way
of your emergency contact
duties, you know?
Okay.
This is where he loses it.
Ah, damn it, Kelly!
I said smaller bites!
big day, so gotta fuel up.
Today's actually gonna be
our first Saturday apart
from each other
since, like, 2004
because I got a job.
Um, yeah.
I'm working at
Dylan's dad's car dealership,
which is crazy.
- I'm so pumped up though.
- Yeah.
I've got a ton of plans
today too, so it's no big deal
that Shrub can't be around,
you know?
I can finally cross some stuff
off my to-do list,
which I would show you guys,
but it's a private list.
Uh, and, you know, just know
that it's really long, so...
I guess I'm just, like,
hoping for new friendships?
Also to mess with
people's radio presets.
Because I think that's--Kelly?
Not cool, Kelly!
Smaller bites today, maybe?
It's fine, okay?
I can Heimlich myself.
I just don't know where to go
after peace be with you.
Dot, dot, dot.
You got the three dots?
Yeah.
It's called an ellipsis.
On Saturdays, Joe dictates
his sermon and I type it up.
But today he was dealing
with some major writer's block,
making that expression
my dog makes
when she feels constipated.
And honestly,
it's real uncomfortable.
Hmm.
I could do
Footprints on the Beach.
I think we both know
you're better than that.
Ugh! Okay, you know what?
I'm gonna go out for a bit,
all right?
I'm gonna head
to the driving range.
Hitting balls always helps me
clear my head.
- You gonna play hooky?
- Only for a few hours.
Come on.
If anybody asks,
you just cover for me.
You say I'm, uh, doing, like,
a hospice thing.
Too sad?
Oh, you decide.
Welcome to Parney Motors.
I'm gonna give you a tour.
Um, right here we got the uh,
sort of office car situation.
Uh, we got a vending machine
back there, a couple trophies,
a gumball machine
with a bunch of candies.
Um, over here,
we have the beverage station,
unlimited sugar packets,
which is dope.
Um, over there,
I don't know, but I'm guessing
that's where me and the boys
are gonna chillax.
Um, let's see what else.
We've got pamphlets over there.
- Hey, man.
- Hey, Dylan.
- Good to see you.
- Good to see you too.
- Glad the job worked out.
- Yeah.
Well, let me show you
the detailing bay.
This area's sort of
for customers and uh, suits.
- Oh.
- It's my dad's rule.
- It's not mine.
- Yeah.
- I was wondering.
- Yeah.
But I'd love to catch up
with you later though.
Kelly, what the heck?
Hey, Father Joe.
I can't talk for long.
- I have a really busy day.
- Yeah, me too.
I'm headed
to the driving range.
I've got some serious
sermon brainstorming to do.
Okay, look at you,
Tiger Woods.
I could come along
if you wanted.
I think I can use
some time alone.
Me too.
You read my mind.
- Don't--
- Oh.
Mugs are earned.
All right, people.
Time to get to work.
Phones in the box.
Can't have any texting
in the bay.
You need to stay alert, focused.
No more accidents.
Last guy was swiping on Tinder
and fell face first
into the nozzle
of an industrial vac.
They can do a lot
with prosthetics,
but at the end of the day,
he really misses his nose.
So as far as I can tell,
detailing means cleaning,
which sucks,
but I'm really trying to
get in good with these guys.
Especially Dave.
Hey, working hard
or hardly working,
am I right, uh, fellas?
So where the hell
are all the gophers?
Or is Caddyshack
just like totally fiction?
Oh, no. This is so fun.
Yeah, Kelly is,
as always, a hoot.
Here's the thing.
I need to take this time
to destress and focus,
♪Selfcare, et cetera.
And I still don't have
my sermon yet,
and that's kind of literally
my only job.
Shoe!
Shoe!
Shoe!
- Don't screw up!
- Cheese and crackers!
Kelly!
I just--I need some
peace and quiet, okay?
Please respect that.
Fine, I'll just go find
some used balls.
That's what she said.
Hi, hi.
You up for some lunch?
No, I'm busy.
- Oh, what you workin' on?
- Joe's sermon.
Makin' some grammatical changes
and spicin' it up
so people don't fall asleep
and choke on their drool.
Oh, I usually--
well, you know, I--I used
to do that for his sermons.
I can take a look.
No, I got it.
It's my job, so...
Oh, sorta my job too, because
I'm a professional writer.
Editing just gets me
so jazzed up.
Cheryl, you need to back
the hell up right now.
- I am backed up.
- This is stupid.
Joe's out playing golf
and we're both fighting over
who gets to do
his work for him.
This is some patriarchy
We should play hooky too.
'Cause I'm not gonna let you
see the sermon, so...
Yeah, no, I don't wanna.
Let's play hooky.
Ladies' day.
Don't do that.
Oh.
Oh, I-I-I didn't touch anything.
I don't know why
that just did that.
You gotta really
get in there, Shrub.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Nice.
SHRUB Wait, what?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, guys.
Hey!
Hey, guys!
Turn it off!
Very funny, guys.
Very funny.
Traditional hazing.
Can't wait to see what you guys
did to my sandwich.
You don't mess
with a man's sandwich.
Sometimes,
that's all that he has.
We did try and flush his hat
down the toilet, though.
He just put it right back on.
That kid's either all right
or all wrong.
Still deciding.
Kelly!
Kelly, look out!
Ooh!
Kelly!
Oh, geez!
Kelly, I am so sorry!
Where does it hurt?
Shooting pains
all up and down.
And yeah, big deal,
I didn't shave my legs,
'cause it's not Tuesday--ow!
I don't see any marks!
Oh, geez!
I didn't touch anything.
Kelly says she hates drama,
but I one time called her
a drama queen,
and she didn't talk to me
for two days, so...
do the math.
Oh, um,
do you need a wheelchair?
There's no time!
Well, good.
Thank you.
Okay.
Are you not able to bend?
Just bend your knees
to sit down?
- I don't trust them right now.
- Your knees?
The most serious injuries
are the ones you cannot see.
Like, they're called
medical mysteries.
So, yeah,
there's no visible mark
on my leg, yet,
but I feel pain all over.
The human body is designed
to betray you.
Like, this is way more
than a bruise, dude.
I did not need this today.
This will teach Shrub
to abandon me
on a Saturday of all days.
Okay, just calm down.
Have you tried calling him?
Uh, duh!
He's in my emergency contacts,
so of course,
I've tried calling him.
I've texted him.
I even sent him the poop emoji,
which is our code
for going down.
Nothing.
I'm totally alone.
No offense.
Is there anyone who could
come be with you right now,
like maybe your mom
or your dad?
I don't want to be a burden.
Well, it's just that,
you know,
I haven't exactly
finished my sermon, so...
I thought that was you,
Father Joe, out in the wild.
Don't mean to bother you.
Just want to let you know
you seem to be parked
in a red zone out there.
Ah, geez!
Thanks.
I'll go move it.
Ugh! Ow! Ah-ha-ha!
Ugh.
- Guys givin' you a hard time?
- Not really.
I can take it.
Kinda.
You just gotta
prove yourself.
Then they'll leave you alone.
I can see
that you are an artist, Shrub.
Really?
Wait, did you see my wall art
by the urinal?
What?
No.
I saw you vacuum
the word "boobs"
into that Camry carpet.
That is something
I can work with.
Hell, yeah.
But I don't just
apprentice anyone.
You have to be willing
to do the work.
Okay.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
What about the guy that fell
and doesn't have
a nose anymore?
- Shh.
- Oh, God.
- Relax.
- I don't like this.
I do not like this.
Now vacuum the crumbs.
Yeah, but I don't see
the crumbs.
You have to feel them.
Oh, my God.
Take a deep breath.
Long enough to say the word
"Linda" in your head.
Linda.
Yes.
- You got this.
- Ah!
Linda is a great boss.
Other than Father Joe,
basically zero other adults
have ever believed
I could do anything, ever.
Plus I'm used to having strong
women tell me what to do.
I mean, even Beth had
a quiet command of the room.
Linda, she kinda reminds me
of my Nan a little bit,
but like, way more mobile.
Broader shoulders.
Oh!
I have not been day drinking
in ages.
All right, Sandra Dee.
Calm down.
Part of playing hooky is
not making a big deal about it.
Hi.
Can we get two chardonnays?
Oh, with ice, please,
if you've got it.
- Ice?
- To keep it cold.
Ice?
Hold my phone.
I need to update my followers.
Grotesque injuries
equal crazy views.
Okay, hold it up.
Okay.
Ugh!
What's up, homies?
Just currently living
that emergency room life.
If I don't make it out of here,
I love every single one of you.
Except, you know who you are.
So basically, I took a ball
to the kneecap at close range.
It was, like, fwho.
And I was, like, aaah!
Kay, let me see.
Her injury seems
to be getting worse?
I don't even know
how that's possible.
I mean, to be perfectly frank,
I think it, uh,
isn't very serious.
I mean, we have been here
for an eternity.
You know,
hooky in small doses is fine,
but this is downright irresponsible.
Father Joe, I need help
going to the bathroom.
It's number two.
Oh, I should find my phone
and text that to Kelly.
She loves baby animals
taking on the big scary world.
- Hey, kid.
- Hey.
We're gonna watch
Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?
It's what we do
on our lunch break.
Yeah, no, I get it.
Uh, let me just
get outta your hair.
No, you can join us
if you want.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Yeah?
Oh.
Okay, yeah. Totally.
Hey, I was just checkin' to see
if you wanted to grab
some Arby's.
Roast beef on me.
Uh, yeah, right, Dylan.
I would rather buff my own
balls than get lunch with you.
Oh, and by the way,
no suits allowed, dude.
Did it hurt my feelings?
- All right.
- That's that.
Kinda.
It was more surprising
than anything.
I was just trying to be nice.
Hey, Dylan, Dylan.
So sorry about that.
I've just got to keep up appearances,
you know what I mean?
It's just, like, really
not cool to be seen with you,
which is the opposite thing
of high school, I know.
World's crazy, but um,
I'll see you later, okay?
I gotta say,
the ice was a good call.
- Thank you.
- Well, hey there.
You know,
I couldn't help but notice,
even from all the way
over there,
that your eyes
are intoxicating.
I know.
Oh, who here has tried
colored contacts?
Well, I need to use
the little girls' room,
but, uh,
will you watch my wine?
That lady is
layin' it on thick.
I haven't been hit on like that
in a while.
Oh, my gosh.
I didn't even notice!
Yeah, I can barely navigate
heterosexual flirting.
No, when she comes back,
I'm gonna be your wingman--
your wingperson--
it's a wing woman--what?
That's--no,
that's not necessary.
No, listen, I used to do this
for my friends
in Minneapolis all the time.
Consider the deal sealed.
If you're ordering a pizza,
I'll take the--
No, I'm trying to reach Mandy,
but she's not answering.
I warmed up the doctor for you.
Oh, thanks,
but I'm here for her.
Oh, so nice of you
to take the entire day off
before the real work happens
tomorrow on Sunday.
Well, I'm not taking
the day off.
And uh, my sermon
is already done,
so I don't know
what you're talkin' about.
He hit me with a projectile.
Peace be with you.
Also with you.
- Hey, hey, Kelly?
- Mm?
Um, if anyone asks,
you don't really
have to give them
all the details of today, okay?
Like, no one needs to know
I was
on the other end of that ball.
Or that I was even
playing golf at all.
- Oh.
- I mean, none of that.
So, you want me
to lie for you.
But you wouldn't let me write
that I was a stunt woman
on the intake form.
Wow.
No, it's not a lie.
It's an omission of truth.
I think you're getting
a parking ticket.
No.
No!
No! No!
Shrub, I got a job for you.
It's an important one.
But I think
you're ready for it.
Locked and loaded.
Ride or die.
God and glory.
Let's go.
Classic Mazda SUV.
Didn't look like much at first,
but this thing was tricked out.
Leather steering wheel,
so you know
I busted out that horsehair.
Before today,
I hadn't cleaned anything
that wasn't my own body
or, like, a dish.
But Linda taught me
that everything can be
just a little bit cleaner.
Also, I figured out a way
to ride the buffer around.
Did you know that Mandy is
an accomplished tattoo artist?
Oh, really?
Well, this is kind of embarrassing,
but I have a tattoo of a little
bundt cake on my ankle.
Oh, I love bundt cake.
Sliding Doors moment.
Mm.
That's--that's not
how that works.
Do you enjoy baking?
I do not. Yes.
Me too.
Okay, right here, right now,
favorite recipe blog.
On the count of three.
One, two.
Muffin...
To Worry About!
- Yes! Oh, I love that!
- No way.
Ooh, woo-hoo!
This is hilarious.
Honestly,
Maureen is not my type.
My type plays it cool,
has a little meat
on their bones,
and owns zero cardigans
if they're a woman,
lots of cardigans
if they're a man.
It's really important.
- Great job, son.
- Thanks, Mom.
- Oh, no, that's not--
- No, no, that's--Linda, sorry.
Wait, what?
No.
It's Dylan's car?
Thanks for telling me.
Oh, wait, w-w-w-w-w--
no, no, no, no, ah!
Are you seriously kidding me
right now, Dylan?
I just did
a counterclockwise rubdown
of every single inch
of this hood.
Lin-da.
I'm sorry that I yelled at you.
I'm just--it's insane to me
that these cars
are going to get dirty again
when they leave here.
No problem.
Parking here
in a red zone.
I'm Father Joe, okay?
I can't--
That's one heck of
a parking space there.
No.
Please, no, please.
Okay, then--
- What are you do--
- Oh, my God.
I cannot believe
that Shrub is missing this.
It almost makes me forget
about my leg.
You know what?
- It really hurts bad though.
- Come on!
We have been waiting here
for four hours.
Four hours!
And we have got no updates!
And we just sit there.
And she's in pain, okay?
So I don't know
what it's going to take
to be seen by a doctor here,
but let me know!
Because I've had enough!
Kelly?
Nope.
You're next.
Excellent.
So I said to him,
this is false advertising.
This is not a snuggie.
It's a slanket!
Maureen,
you are a gem and a half.
Well, the same could be said
about you.
Mm.
Look, I know you two
are a packaged deal.
And frankly, I'm into it.
So what do you say,
we go get a room
at the Red Roof
and see where
the afternoon takes us?
Oh, I'm not sure
that sounds so...
That's going to be a hard no,
but we appreciate the offer.
Totally understand.
But, if you change your mind,
I am here every Saturday.
Not because I have no life,
but because I'm a sexually
frustrated alcoholic, so...
Oh, I can't believe
that just happened!
Oh, my gosh, Mandy.
She thought we were a couple!
I know!
It kills me!
You and I together!
Even if we were the last
two people in Flatch,
I would still scoot
my ass over to Pockton.
I know, right?
Wait, what?
Oh!
That was cool.
Hey, kid.
You did good today.
Thanks.
We don't give the Dilbert
Y2K mug to just anybody.
We always split
the loose change
we find in the car seats.
Here you go.
17 cents for a job well done.
- Oh.
- Welcome aboard.
Nope, nope, nope.
Oh, my God.
That's just--that's crazy.
Oh, my God.
Wait, 158 missed calls
and texts from Kelly?
Oh, my God,
that's the poop emoji,
I told her to go easy today.
Yeah, I mean,
I'm not surprised
that Kelly went
to urgent care,
but um, low key...
Dude, today was, like,
the best day.
Like, I have new friends that
actually think that I'm cool,
and people who, like,
appreciate my artistry.
I mean, oh, man.
I just--
I want to feel this fulfilled
every single day of my life.
And I'm getting paid! Money!
Uh, adult much?
So it's like
a really big bruise.
Like, bruise isn't even
the right word for it.
It's like a contusion.
Well, she said
it could've been a contusion
if I'd been hit
just a little harder.
Father Joe definitely didn't
need to hulk out like that,
but no one's ever done that
for me before.
Shrub, on the other hand,
completely abandoned me.
Makes me wonder if he cares
more about me or him.
Nope,
I didn't finish my sermon.
Over there! - But you know what?
When Kelly was squeezing
my hand really hard
in that doctor's office,
when she was getting
her temperature taken,
I realized that self-care
meant other person care.
Maybe that's what being
a good person is--
being there for your people
in their time of need,
even when it's not convenient.
Just like it says
in Ecclesiastes 4,
sometimes we don't see God's
plan until it hits you hard,
like a well-driven golf ball.
I just wish I knew
what to write my sermon about.
I guess I'm going
to have to recycle
my Earth Day material again.
I don't know, it was crazy,
'cause, like, when they flushed
my hat down the toilet,
I was definitely pissed,
but, like, at the same time
I was also, like--
Today was like
the craziest day of my life.
And I can't believe
you missed it
'cause you were like,
sniffing bleach or whatever.
Wait, let's watch Father Joe
lose his again.
But for real, today,
I was, like,
almost completely alone, okay?
You can't let something
like work get in the way
of your emergency contact
duties, you know?
Okay.
This is where he loses it.
Ah, damn it, Kelly!
I said smaller bites!