Welcome to Flatch (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 11 - No Credit/Bad Credit - full transcript
So I'm still killing it
at the car lot.
Same.
Since Shrub can't drive,
I've been helping out
by driving the dirty cars
up for him to clean.
To detail.
I'm a detailer.
I'm honestly surprised
everyone's cool
with Kelly hanging around.
Yes. I am currently
being paid in donuts,
but it's cool,
because donuts
turn into energy,
which turns into ideas
to make money.
You know?
For me, it's never
been about working hard.
It's about working smart.
Dude, okay,
they're not mammals.
- Whales lay eggs.
- No--
They're, like,
a delicacy in Japan.
Read a book sometime, for real.
Okay.
Hey, Kelly. Hey, Shrub.
Hey.
Do you guys know
what's going on?
The big "No Credit, Bad Credit"
sales event is coming up.
So the cameras are setting up
for the commercial
shoot tomorrow.
Cool.
Okay, so the Parneys
run these epically chaotic,
terrible, amazing,
like, legendary
horrible commercials.
They're deranged
and perfect; we're obsessed.
Like, completely.
They're like a five-car pileup
starring Dylan's
whack-job dad.
I can't believe it.
I never thought
I'd see one get filmed.
Dude, this is probably
the best thing
that has ever happened to us.
No offense.
Dylan and I are here
to rehearse
because we're starring
in the commercial this year.
So we'd actually better
go get inside.
Oh, yeah. Bye, guys.
We'll see you in there.
Oh my God!
Jimmy and I are road-tripping
to Cleveland.
We are both nominated
for the Regional Ohio
Journalist Awards.
Same category, actually.
"Best Investigative Reporting."
I did an exposè
on the girls' volleyball team
down at County High.
They deflated the balls
to win the playoffs.
And Jimmy is nominated
for his takedown
of a Pockton City Council member.
Excited to see what happens.
And also, I think
a little friendly competition
can be quite sexy
in a relationship.
I can just drive
at the halfway point.
Um, no, that's okay. I got it.
Yeah, but I want to.
Eh, it rejuvenates me
to stay behind the wheel.
- We'll see.
- Ah, we'll see.
I have been
an efficiency machine
these past few weeks.
I wrote all my sermons
for the next month.
I winterized my roses.
I even got
my plantar warts removed.
From a real doctor this time.
Yeah, my schedule's
been real light
since Shrub and Kelly started
working at the car lot.
What a change.
Seems like
it was just yesterday
that they were jumping out
of closets in clown masks
and locking me
out of my own phone.
Memories.
So yeah, I mean,
I'm still the low man.
So I do get punted most
of the bodily fluids stains.
But other than that, I'm just
stoked to finally let my craft
and my art come first.
Like, I've done 50 cars now.
And each one,
I'm not even kidding,
feels just as special
as the first one.
I mean, not to be, like, whatever,
but you bond with these cars,
you know?
You nurture them.
You do everything that you can
to make them great.
And then before you know it,
they're fleeing the nest,
like a bird
going off to bird
community college.
And...
- Mallet.
- Boss.
I've got
an assignment for you.
- Hit me.
- You're detailing
the car for the ad,
decal and all.
Linda, if this is a prank,
you've gone too far.
You're ready.
And frankly, I'm blown away
by your talent.
The things that you can do
with a vacuum
and a squeegee
should be illegal.
Also, my osteoarthritis
is acting up.
So apparently there's just
a table of free food
on real TV sets.
I don't know why you guys
never hook us up like that.
Huh?
- If I say he's out, he's out.
- Okay.
What was that about?
Parney is a maniac.
If he keeps firing extras,
we're not gonna have enough
bodies to fill the background.
- I'm a body.
- What?
And a mind too.
A powerful one.
But I'd be a great extra
because I--
you could put me anywhere.
I only have good angles. Look.
Okay, fine.
What?
Oh my God!
I'm gonna be famous.
Thank you so much
for this opportunity.
Two words: youth outreach.
I realize there must
be hordes of young Flatchians
that might need my help.
My mind immediately
went to Mickey.
He seems like such a nice guy,
and even though Shrub and Kelly
are always razzing him,
he spends a lot of time
with them.
I bet he's jonesing
for a little companionship
these days.
Whoa, Mickey, nice threads!
Oh, uh, thank you.
It's for a war re-enactment.
We're--it's the 210th
anniversary of the Flatch Five.
But Len's brother won
Sade tickets on the radio,
so he had to bail.
So we might have to cancel.
Can't do the Flatch Five
with just four.
It's called the Flatch Five
for a reason.
- I'm in.
- Oh. No, I didn't--
If you'll have me.
Okay, uh, how about you meet us
in Auburndale field
in about an hour?
Costume provided;
snacks will not be,
so eat before or bring your own
period-appropriate rations.
And so I said,
"That's your byline?
More like bye line."
I had to do it.
I gave it back to him.
Well, well, well,
if it isn't the old so-and-sos
from the Dayton Sentinel.
Everyone, guard your sources.
Jimmy Jameson,
you wily bastard.
We didn't think
we'd see your face here
after you swept last year.
Hmm, well, what can I say?
I'm addicted
to writing brilliantly.
And also diet pop.
Oh, and this very
special person is Cheryl.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hello.
You're Cheryl Peterson?
Everyone here
is talking about you.
Your piece is amazing.
Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
Wait, aren't you two
up for the same category?
- That's right.
- Well...
Uh-oh, Jimmy!
You're in trouble this year.
Someone's going down.
- We'll see you in there.
- Take him down.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, come on.
So exciting.
Sorry, no cameras allowed.
I've been working on this car
for seven hours straight.
No bathroom breaks.
Those are astronaut numbers.
But, you know,
I'm not complaining.
I legit cannot believe
that Linda
is letting me do this at all.
Greetings, fellow countrymen.
Oh, hey, everyone,
let's give a warm welcome
to Father Joe,
AKA Horace Mattheson,
fifth regiment corporal
and noted hemophiliac.
I'm happy to be here.
I am quite honored
to welcome you
to our gathering.
Did I miss the battle?
I drank two protein shakes
on my way over here,
and I'm more than ready to run
and do some
hand-to-hand combat.
Fight?
Colonel Mayhill,
who is this interloper?
I'll kill him
with my bare hands.
Stand down, soldier.
There won't be
any fighting today.
See, the Flatch Five
were the group of soldiers
left behind
to watch the regiment's bags.
Oh, really?
So, like,
no storming the enemy?
- No mud crawling?
- On the contrary.
Today is about honoring
the quiet moments.
Come, give it a try.
Watch the bags.
You see, these were
the actual bags used in 1810.
Oh, cool.
Sit. Reflect.
Ope, nope. Stop.
But you said
to watch the bags.
Just feel.
And the winner
for Best Microregional
Weekly Feature
goes to Cheryl Peterson.
Ah!
I won! I won!
Can you believe it?
Oh my--I forgot to kiss Jimmy.
Oh, whatever. He won't care.
Where is he?
Have you seen him?
I--I need a drink.
Me, too, because I won!
Yep, I know. I know.
Yes!
Please, sir, I know
my credit is dreadful.
But can't you put me
in one of your many
reasonably priced automobiles?
My kids and I may need
to live in it someday.
I'm sorry, ma'am,
but there's nothing I can do.
Our amazing deals only apply
to our financially
responsible customers.
Cut.
It's a big year for me.
Doug finally gave me a real
role I can sink my teeth into.
Yeah, usually, he just casts me
as "girl who points to car."
So yep, that's me doing it.
Oh, icons.
Oh, well, yeah.
I really don't mean
to backseat direct,
but is it possible for
the extras to stop overacting?
I'm just--I'm really inspired
by your vision
and I don't want anything
to distract from it.
Yeah, guys, stop overacting.
Yeah, fine, fine.
That's--that's fine.
We'll just take it
from Dylan's line.
Yeah.
And...action.
Miss, what's your credit score?
That bad, huh?
Please, sir.
I know my credit is dreadful,
but couldn't you please put me
in one of your many
reasonably--Kelly!
Are you kidding?
Cut.
Oh my God,
is that Kelly Mallet?
- Get over here.
- Sorry, Doug, sir.
Kelly Mallet.
You know, your old man
once tried to buy a car off
of me using counterfeit euros.
Uh, those euros were actually
proven to be legitimate.
But they did
only equal 80 bucks.
Wait a second.
Oh, yeah, this is a good idea.
This is a good idea.
Okay, Nadine, sweetie,
you're out.
Kelly Mallet, you are in.
You are my new
customer number one.
What?
Thank you so much, Mr. Parney.
I will not let you down.
- I'm f--I'm fired?
- Oh, Nadine, calm down.
Come on.
You can have Kelly's part.
And if the gown still fits,
you can, you know,
point at all the cars.
Okay, here we go. Let's go.
All right, come on.
Don't ever.
Give
me that Mallet energy.
Thank you.
Day two.
We are looking to each other
not only as brethren,
but perhaps as sustenance.
Bored? No, no, not at all.
It's just that I was hoping
to bond with Mickey
through play, you know.
Get in the mud,
do a little roughhousing.
But I'm having a little trouble
figuring out
the Flatch Five vibe.
Horace, where are you going?
I was just gonna gather
some wood
for the Flatch Five fire.
Why aren't you limping?
Everyone knows that
Horace Mattheson sustained
an injury to his right leg.
And because he had hemophilia,
he was never able to heal.
And Mattheson was missing
his right eye
from a musket mishap.
And wood gathering
was Private Emerson's job.
And that's me.
I'll help.
What are you doing?
Are--are we racing?
Yes! Winner!
Oh, Shrub just detailed
this car.
Look at it. It looks great.
He must be so psyched.
Horace. Horace.
This is a no phone zone, buddy.
Not gonna warn you again.
- Eeny, meeny, miney, moe.
- Eeny, meeny, minnie, moe.
Eeny, meeny, miney, moe.
All right, folks.
Let's make room
for the vehicle.
Clear the road.
Vehicle coming through.
Let's go.
Winner in the house.
- Oh.
- Boom.
Looks like you are not
the only game in Ohio
regional micro-subscription
papers anymore, Jimbo.
Ah, you know,
I--I have a headache.
Uh, I--I should go
find some aspirin.
- I'll be right back.
- Okay.
I'll see you in a sec, hon.
Hey.
We couldn't convince you
to come work with us, could we?
Seriously?
We will set you up
real nice in Dayton.
Yeah, there's even
a Chipotle in our complex.
Why don't we start
by buying the lady a drink?
- Huh?
- Oh, I should wait for--
Um...oh, screw it.
Tonight, I am drinking
like print media.
Like it's going out of style!
- Hey!
- Oh!
- Shots, please!
- You got it.
Can't you put me in one of
your reasonably priced cars?
Okay? My kids and I could
live in it someday.
I'm sorry, ma'am,
but there's nothing I can do.
Our amazing deals only apply
to our financially
responsible customers.
Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut.
- Hey, hey, hey, once again...
- Oh, my God.
I need you to just
stay out of the shot.
- I'm not in your shot, dude.
- Okay.
While we're stopped,
can somebody please tell me
whose butt I have to kiss
to get my son to behave
like a believable car salesman?
I am an actual
car salesman, Dad.
Please. Please.
I was--I was--stop. Stop.
- Kelly.
- Yeah?
I need you to play this sadder.
Okay.
I think Belinda--
that's my character's name--
she's, like, less sad.
I see her more as resilient.
Okay, I like that instinct,
but I'm talking sad.
- Okay.
- Okay? Like, sad.
Down on your luck. Down.
- Down.
- Okay, you got that?
You work with what you got.
All right?
- Got it, boss.
- Okay, good. Here we go.
Hey, how about
some ghost stories?
I'm great at this, I swear.
I remember when my grandpappy
took me down here
to this very field.
- Back then--
- What's with your voice?
And why are you limping
on the wrong leg?
Hey, Father Joe,
can you come here?
Um...
it pains me to say this,
but I think the Flatch Five
needs to be
the Flatch Four today.
We're just
kind of a low-octane crew,
and it seems like
you're looking
for a little more action.
Uh, also, Len says
you ate some of his walnuts.
Wait.
Are you kicking me out?
Is this part of it?
It is.
Are you talking to me
or Horace right now?
The regiment has spoken.
Fine.
I'm gonna take my goodwill
and my sense of adventure elsewhere.
I'll take the hat.
Thank you.
Jimmy and his little baby headache
never made it back to the bar.
But those Dayton people
are so cool.
You know,
they offered me a job?
Ah, can you believe?
They also offered me nachos,
which I love more than jobs.
And I love--I love you guys.
I love you guys.
You're always filming,
you little cutie.
Ope, nope.
You can't come in here.
All right. Love you.
Good night.
Oh, you're up...
and playing video games.
Well, you cheated
in the license plate game.
I did not cheat.
I saw Hawaii.
Why is that so hard to believe?
And then you fake
a headache
instead of celebrating me.
Oh my God,
you're just a sore loser.
I'm not a loser. I'm a winner!
Wrong! I'm the winner!
Ah, pish-posh.
Dry your tears and tell me,
the Credit Lord, what ails you.
Your Royal Highness, please
take pity on a wretch like me
and set me up
with a reasonable auto loan.
Okay, that's just wrong.
That's wrong.
Okay, Kelly.
Mm.
I want you
to think pennilessness.
Coupon clipping.
Free cafeteria lunches.
Mallet sad.
Okay? Let's go. Here we go.
You're doing great, Kelly.
Okay, Doug's entrance.
And action.
Pish-posh.
Dry your tears and tell me,
the Credit Lord, what ails you.
Ah, Your Royal Highness!
Please take pity
on a wretch like me
and set me up
with a reasonable auto loan!
Well, you're in luck, my child.
Because now during Parney Auto
Mall's No Credit, Bad Credit
Sale event, I'm looking
to help all the lowly,
wanton citizens of Flatch
get into cars,
even those as low, low, lowly
as yourself.
You've fallen
right into my trap.
Yes, I may have bad credit,
but I also have millions!
- That's right.
- What?
I'm a diamond heiress.
And I've come to expose
the evil corporation,
Parney Auto Mall.
and it's elitist owner.
Cut! Dylan, dude,
you're in the way of the decal!
I'm going to law school.
What is the matter with you?
What is your name?
You're a Mallet.
You're the human embodiment
of No Credit, Bad Credit.
How dare you talk
to a millionaire like that?
Don't you know
who her father is?
I got it, Dylan. Hey, dude.
Guess what.
I may be a little
cash-ily challenged right now,
but at least
I'll never be a sad,
mean old man like you.
Okay?
I'm a winner, kay?
And I'm not gonna take any
of this disrespect anymore.
Uh-oh.
- I quit.
Yeah, you quit?
You're fired.
Well, joke's on you,
because I never
technically worked here.
Oh, joke's on you.
Now I don't have
to pay you severance.
Boom!
Hey! Hey!
Get your hands
off of that car!
What is wrong with you?
Look at that car.
Whose car is that?
That's my car.
All of these cars are my cars.
And guess what I get to do.
Huh?
I get to do that!
No!
Yeah, baby.
Get this freak off my lawn.
You know, I thought this was
a place that respected cars.
A place that respected art.
But I was wrong.
When it comes to business,
all this man cares about
is money and getting clients
and selling cars; that's it.
That's called
running a business.
Yeah, well, this is called,
"You make me sick."
I quit.
Me, too.
Stay strong, Dylan.
Mallets out!
Oh, uh, yeah, well, things got
a little heated last night.
But I think we got
to a good place.
We're gonna take some
time apart.
There's lots that I liked
about the relationship.
You know, the riddles,
the race to do the crossword,
bubble baths.
But we're both
really competitive,
and I think that's just
too explosive for me.
So we can still be friends.
Can never have
too many friends.
Or free hotel lotions.
I'm gonna take some time apart
from tequila too.
Ultimately, yeah, I'm glad
we're out of the rat race.
Same. I mean,
who wants to be a rat?
Other than Ratatouille, obviously.
I mean, that guy freakin'
loved being a rat.
Yeah, and
now I'm finally freed up
to find a job that, like,
pays me to be me.
I think, for sure,
it's gonna be acting.
Yeah, and honestly,
I would rather be broke
than ever compromise myself
for my art again.
I mean, newsflash,
my integrity is not for sale.
Hey, guys.
- Hey.
What are you doing here?
Day off from the car lot?
Yup. Today, tomorrow...
Forever and ever and ever.
What the heck happened?
There may have been,
you know,
a little bit of a scene,
and we were maybe
escorted off property.
Seriously?
How could the two of you
manage to behave so poorly,
they'd ask you to leave?
You gotta learn
to be more low-octane.
Maybe we will if they stop
treating us like chumps.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
Okay, come
to the office tomorrow,
and we can talk about it.
Why are you limping?
...who bite deeply into
the necks of their victims.
Dude, don't hog the cashews.
Give me some.
- One.
- Oh, my God, dude, it's on.
It's on.
And tell me,
the Credit Lord,
what ails you.
Oh, take pity
on a lowly wretch like me...
You did it way better.
And set me up
with a reasonable auto loan.
Well, you're in luck,
because now,
during Parney Auto Mall's...
Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait!
Wait!
Shrub, that's you. That's you.
Oh my God. That's me.
That's you on TV!
That's you on TV!
Oh my God.
Look at that baby shine.
at the car lot.
Same.
Since Shrub can't drive,
I've been helping out
by driving the dirty cars
up for him to clean.
To detail.
I'm a detailer.
I'm honestly surprised
everyone's cool
with Kelly hanging around.
Yes. I am currently
being paid in donuts,
but it's cool,
because donuts
turn into energy,
which turns into ideas
to make money.
You know?
For me, it's never
been about working hard.
It's about working smart.
Dude, okay,
they're not mammals.
- Whales lay eggs.
- No--
They're, like,
a delicacy in Japan.
Read a book sometime, for real.
Okay.
Hey, Kelly. Hey, Shrub.
Hey.
Do you guys know
what's going on?
The big "No Credit, Bad Credit"
sales event is coming up.
So the cameras are setting up
for the commercial
shoot tomorrow.
Cool.
Okay, so the Parneys
run these epically chaotic,
terrible, amazing,
like, legendary
horrible commercials.
They're deranged
and perfect; we're obsessed.
Like, completely.
They're like a five-car pileup
starring Dylan's
whack-job dad.
I can't believe it.
I never thought
I'd see one get filmed.
Dude, this is probably
the best thing
that has ever happened to us.
No offense.
Dylan and I are here
to rehearse
because we're starring
in the commercial this year.
So we'd actually better
go get inside.
Oh, yeah. Bye, guys.
We'll see you in there.
Oh my God!
Jimmy and I are road-tripping
to Cleveland.
We are both nominated
for the Regional Ohio
Journalist Awards.
Same category, actually.
"Best Investigative Reporting."
I did an exposè
on the girls' volleyball team
down at County High.
They deflated the balls
to win the playoffs.
And Jimmy is nominated
for his takedown
of a Pockton City Council member.
Excited to see what happens.
And also, I think
a little friendly competition
can be quite sexy
in a relationship.
I can just drive
at the halfway point.
Um, no, that's okay. I got it.
Yeah, but I want to.
Eh, it rejuvenates me
to stay behind the wheel.
- We'll see.
- Ah, we'll see.
I have been
an efficiency machine
these past few weeks.
I wrote all my sermons
for the next month.
I winterized my roses.
I even got
my plantar warts removed.
From a real doctor this time.
Yeah, my schedule's
been real light
since Shrub and Kelly started
working at the car lot.
What a change.
Seems like
it was just yesterday
that they were jumping out
of closets in clown masks
and locking me
out of my own phone.
Memories.
So yeah, I mean,
I'm still the low man.
So I do get punted most
of the bodily fluids stains.
But other than that, I'm just
stoked to finally let my craft
and my art come first.
Like, I've done 50 cars now.
And each one,
I'm not even kidding,
feels just as special
as the first one.
I mean, not to be, like, whatever,
but you bond with these cars,
you know?
You nurture them.
You do everything that you can
to make them great.
And then before you know it,
they're fleeing the nest,
like a bird
going off to bird
community college.
And...
- Mallet.
- Boss.
I've got
an assignment for you.
- Hit me.
- You're detailing
the car for the ad,
decal and all.
Linda, if this is a prank,
you've gone too far.
You're ready.
And frankly, I'm blown away
by your talent.
The things that you can do
with a vacuum
and a squeegee
should be illegal.
Also, my osteoarthritis
is acting up.
So apparently there's just
a table of free food
on real TV sets.
I don't know why you guys
never hook us up like that.
Huh?
- If I say he's out, he's out.
- Okay.
What was that about?
Parney is a maniac.
If he keeps firing extras,
we're not gonna have enough
bodies to fill the background.
- I'm a body.
- What?
And a mind too.
A powerful one.
But I'd be a great extra
because I--
you could put me anywhere.
I only have good angles. Look.
Okay, fine.
What?
Oh my God!
I'm gonna be famous.
Thank you so much
for this opportunity.
Two words: youth outreach.
I realize there must
be hordes of young Flatchians
that might need my help.
My mind immediately
went to Mickey.
He seems like such a nice guy,
and even though Shrub and Kelly
are always razzing him,
he spends a lot of time
with them.
I bet he's jonesing
for a little companionship
these days.
Whoa, Mickey, nice threads!
Oh, uh, thank you.
It's for a war re-enactment.
We're--it's the 210th
anniversary of the Flatch Five.
But Len's brother won
Sade tickets on the radio,
so he had to bail.
So we might have to cancel.
Can't do the Flatch Five
with just four.
It's called the Flatch Five
for a reason.
- I'm in.
- Oh. No, I didn't--
If you'll have me.
Okay, uh, how about you meet us
in Auburndale field
in about an hour?
Costume provided;
snacks will not be,
so eat before or bring your own
period-appropriate rations.
And so I said,
"That's your byline?
More like bye line."
I had to do it.
I gave it back to him.
Well, well, well,
if it isn't the old so-and-sos
from the Dayton Sentinel.
Everyone, guard your sources.
Jimmy Jameson,
you wily bastard.
We didn't think
we'd see your face here
after you swept last year.
Hmm, well, what can I say?
I'm addicted
to writing brilliantly.
And also diet pop.
Oh, and this very
special person is Cheryl.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hello.
You're Cheryl Peterson?
Everyone here
is talking about you.
Your piece is amazing.
Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
Wait, aren't you two
up for the same category?
- That's right.
- Well...
Uh-oh, Jimmy!
You're in trouble this year.
Someone's going down.
- We'll see you in there.
- Take him down.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, come on.
So exciting.
Sorry, no cameras allowed.
I've been working on this car
for seven hours straight.
No bathroom breaks.
Those are astronaut numbers.
But, you know,
I'm not complaining.
I legit cannot believe
that Linda
is letting me do this at all.
Greetings, fellow countrymen.
Oh, hey, everyone,
let's give a warm welcome
to Father Joe,
AKA Horace Mattheson,
fifth regiment corporal
and noted hemophiliac.
I'm happy to be here.
I am quite honored
to welcome you
to our gathering.
Did I miss the battle?
I drank two protein shakes
on my way over here,
and I'm more than ready to run
and do some
hand-to-hand combat.
Fight?
Colonel Mayhill,
who is this interloper?
I'll kill him
with my bare hands.
Stand down, soldier.
There won't be
any fighting today.
See, the Flatch Five
were the group of soldiers
left behind
to watch the regiment's bags.
Oh, really?
So, like,
no storming the enemy?
- No mud crawling?
- On the contrary.
Today is about honoring
the quiet moments.
Come, give it a try.
Watch the bags.
You see, these were
the actual bags used in 1810.
Oh, cool.
Sit. Reflect.
Ope, nope. Stop.
But you said
to watch the bags.
Just feel.
And the winner
for Best Microregional
Weekly Feature
goes to Cheryl Peterson.
Ah!
I won! I won!
Can you believe it?
Oh my--I forgot to kiss Jimmy.
Oh, whatever. He won't care.
Where is he?
Have you seen him?
I--I need a drink.
Me, too, because I won!
Yep, I know. I know.
Yes!
Please, sir, I know
my credit is dreadful.
But can't you put me
in one of your many
reasonably priced automobiles?
My kids and I may need
to live in it someday.
I'm sorry, ma'am,
but there's nothing I can do.
Our amazing deals only apply
to our financially
responsible customers.
Cut.
It's a big year for me.
Doug finally gave me a real
role I can sink my teeth into.
Yeah, usually, he just casts me
as "girl who points to car."
So yep, that's me doing it.
Oh, icons.
Oh, well, yeah.
I really don't mean
to backseat direct,
but is it possible for
the extras to stop overacting?
I'm just--I'm really inspired
by your vision
and I don't want anything
to distract from it.
Yeah, guys, stop overacting.
Yeah, fine, fine.
That's--that's fine.
We'll just take it
from Dylan's line.
Yeah.
And...action.
Miss, what's your credit score?
That bad, huh?
Please, sir.
I know my credit is dreadful,
but couldn't you please put me
in one of your many
reasonably--Kelly!
Are you kidding?
Cut.
Oh my God,
is that Kelly Mallet?
- Get over here.
- Sorry, Doug, sir.
Kelly Mallet.
You know, your old man
once tried to buy a car off
of me using counterfeit euros.
Uh, those euros were actually
proven to be legitimate.
But they did
only equal 80 bucks.
Wait a second.
Oh, yeah, this is a good idea.
This is a good idea.
Okay, Nadine, sweetie,
you're out.
Kelly Mallet, you are in.
You are my new
customer number one.
What?
Thank you so much, Mr. Parney.
I will not let you down.
- I'm f--I'm fired?
- Oh, Nadine, calm down.
Come on.
You can have Kelly's part.
And if the gown still fits,
you can, you know,
point at all the cars.
Okay, here we go. Let's go.
All right, come on.
Don't ever.
Give
me that Mallet energy.
Thank you.
Day two.
We are looking to each other
not only as brethren,
but perhaps as sustenance.
Bored? No, no, not at all.
It's just that I was hoping
to bond with Mickey
through play, you know.
Get in the mud,
do a little roughhousing.
But I'm having a little trouble
figuring out
the Flatch Five vibe.
Horace, where are you going?
I was just gonna gather
some wood
for the Flatch Five fire.
Why aren't you limping?
Everyone knows that
Horace Mattheson sustained
an injury to his right leg.
And because he had hemophilia,
he was never able to heal.
And Mattheson was missing
his right eye
from a musket mishap.
And wood gathering
was Private Emerson's job.
And that's me.
I'll help.
What are you doing?
Are--are we racing?
Yes! Winner!
Oh, Shrub just detailed
this car.
Look at it. It looks great.
He must be so psyched.
Horace. Horace.
This is a no phone zone, buddy.
Not gonna warn you again.
- Eeny, meeny, miney, moe.
- Eeny, meeny, minnie, moe.
Eeny, meeny, miney, moe.
All right, folks.
Let's make room
for the vehicle.
Clear the road.
Vehicle coming through.
Let's go.
Winner in the house.
- Oh.
- Boom.
Looks like you are not
the only game in Ohio
regional micro-subscription
papers anymore, Jimbo.
Ah, you know,
I--I have a headache.
Uh, I--I should go
find some aspirin.
- I'll be right back.
- Okay.
I'll see you in a sec, hon.
Hey.
We couldn't convince you
to come work with us, could we?
Seriously?
We will set you up
real nice in Dayton.
Yeah, there's even
a Chipotle in our complex.
Why don't we start
by buying the lady a drink?
- Huh?
- Oh, I should wait for--
Um...oh, screw it.
Tonight, I am drinking
like print media.
Like it's going out of style!
- Hey!
- Oh!
- Shots, please!
- You got it.
Can't you put me in one of
your reasonably priced cars?
Okay? My kids and I could
live in it someday.
I'm sorry, ma'am,
but there's nothing I can do.
Our amazing deals only apply
to our financially
responsible customers.
Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut.
- Hey, hey, hey, once again...
- Oh, my God.
I need you to just
stay out of the shot.
- I'm not in your shot, dude.
- Okay.
While we're stopped,
can somebody please tell me
whose butt I have to kiss
to get my son to behave
like a believable car salesman?
I am an actual
car salesman, Dad.
Please. Please.
I was--I was--stop. Stop.
- Kelly.
- Yeah?
I need you to play this sadder.
Okay.
I think Belinda--
that's my character's name--
she's, like, less sad.
I see her more as resilient.
Okay, I like that instinct,
but I'm talking sad.
- Okay.
- Okay? Like, sad.
Down on your luck. Down.
- Down.
- Okay, you got that?
You work with what you got.
All right?
- Got it, boss.
- Okay, good. Here we go.
Hey, how about
some ghost stories?
I'm great at this, I swear.
I remember when my grandpappy
took me down here
to this very field.
- Back then--
- What's with your voice?
And why are you limping
on the wrong leg?
Hey, Father Joe,
can you come here?
Um...
it pains me to say this,
but I think the Flatch Five
needs to be
the Flatch Four today.
We're just
kind of a low-octane crew,
and it seems like
you're looking
for a little more action.
Uh, also, Len says
you ate some of his walnuts.
Wait.
Are you kicking me out?
Is this part of it?
It is.
Are you talking to me
or Horace right now?
The regiment has spoken.
Fine.
I'm gonna take my goodwill
and my sense of adventure elsewhere.
I'll take the hat.
Thank you.
Jimmy and his little baby headache
never made it back to the bar.
But those Dayton people
are so cool.
You know,
they offered me a job?
Ah, can you believe?
They also offered me nachos,
which I love more than jobs.
And I love--I love you guys.
I love you guys.
You're always filming,
you little cutie.
Ope, nope.
You can't come in here.
All right. Love you.
Good night.
Oh, you're up...
and playing video games.
Well, you cheated
in the license plate game.
I did not cheat.
I saw Hawaii.
Why is that so hard to believe?
And then you fake
a headache
instead of celebrating me.
Oh my God,
you're just a sore loser.
I'm not a loser. I'm a winner!
Wrong! I'm the winner!
Ah, pish-posh.
Dry your tears and tell me,
the Credit Lord, what ails you.
Your Royal Highness, please
take pity on a wretch like me
and set me up
with a reasonable auto loan.
Okay, that's just wrong.
That's wrong.
Okay, Kelly.
Mm.
I want you
to think pennilessness.
Coupon clipping.
Free cafeteria lunches.
Mallet sad.
Okay? Let's go. Here we go.
You're doing great, Kelly.
Okay, Doug's entrance.
And action.
Pish-posh.
Dry your tears and tell me,
the Credit Lord, what ails you.
Ah, Your Royal Highness!
Please take pity
on a wretch like me
and set me up
with a reasonable auto loan!
Well, you're in luck, my child.
Because now during Parney Auto
Mall's No Credit, Bad Credit
Sale event, I'm looking
to help all the lowly,
wanton citizens of Flatch
get into cars,
even those as low, low, lowly
as yourself.
You've fallen
right into my trap.
Yes, I may have bad credit,
but I also have millions!
- That's right.
- What?
I'm a diamond heiress.
And I've come to expose
the evil corporation,
Parney Auto Mall.
and it's elitist owner.
Cut! Dylan, dude,
you're in the way of the decal!
I'm going to law school.
What is the matter with you?
What is your name?
You're a Mallet.
You're the human embodiment
of No Credit, Bad Credit.
How dare you talk
to a millionaire like that?
Don't you know
who her father is?
I got it, Dylan. Hey, dude.
Guess what.
I may be a little
cash-ily challenged right now,
but at least
I'll never be a sad,
mean old man like you.
Okay?
I'm a winner, kay?
And I'm not gonna take any
of this disrespect anymore.
Uh-oh.
- I quit.
Yeah, you quit?
You're fired.
Well, joke's on you,
because I never
technically worked here.
Oh, joke's on you.
Now I don't have
to pay you severance.
Boom!
Hey! Hey!
Get your hands
off of that car!
What is wrong with you?
Look at that car.
Whose car is that?
That's my car.
All of these cars are my cars.
And guess what I get to do.
Huh?
I get to do that!
No!
Yeah, baby.
Get this freak off my lawn.
You know, I thought this was
a place that respected cars.
A place that respected art.
But I was wrong.
When it comes to business,
all this man cares about
is money and getting clients
and selling cars; that's it.
That's called
running a business.
Yeah, well, this is called,
"You make me sick."
I quit.
Me, too.
Stay strong, Dylan.
Mallets out!
Oh, uh, yeah, well, things got
a little heated last night.
But I think we got
to a good place.
We're gonna take some
time apart.
There's lots that I liked
about the relationship.
You know, the riddles,
the race to do the crossword,
bubble baths.
But we're both
really competitive,
and I think that's just
too explosive for me.
So we can still be friends.
Can never have
too many friends.
Or free hotel lotions.
I'm gonna take some time apart
from tequila too.
Ultimately, yeah, I'm glad
we're out of the rat race.
Same. I mean,
who wants to be a rat?
Other than Ratatouille, obviously.
I mean, that guy freakin'
loved being a rat.
Yeah, and
now I'm finally freed up
to find a job that, like,
pays me to be me.
I think, for sure,
it's gonna be acting.
Yeah, and honestly,
I would rather be broke
than ever compromise myself
for my art again.
I mean, newsflash,
my integrity is not for sale.
Hey, guys.
- Hey.
What are you doing here?
Day off from the car lot?
Yup. Today, tomorrow...
Forever and ever and ever.
What the heck happened?
There may have been,
you know,
a little bit of a scene,
and we were maybe
escorted off property.
Seriously?
How could the two of you
manage to behave so poorly,
they'd ask you to leave?
You gotta learn
to be more low-octane.
Maybe we will if they stop
treating us like chumps.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
Okay, come
to the office tomorrow,
and we can talk about it.
Why are you limping?
...who bite deeply into
the necks of their victims.
Dude, don't hog the cashews.
Give me some.
- One.
- Oh, my God, dude, it's on.
It's on.
And tell me,
the Credit Lord,
what ails you.
Oh, take pity
on a lowly wretch like me...
You did it way better.
And set me up
with a reasonable auto loan.
Well, you're in luck,
because now,
during Parney Auto Mall's...
Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait!
Wait!
Shrub, that's you. That's you.
Oh my God. That's me.
That's you on TV!
That's you on TV!
Oh my God.
Look at that baby shine.