Welcome to Flatch (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - That Old Flatch Magic - full transcript

Popcorn.

'Cause it's
Crappy Movie Night, y'all.

Oh.

Shrub and I have been
doing this

every Friday night
since we were in high school.

We get a ton of snacks,
and we watch a stupid movie.

Yeah, like, last week,
we watched this really old one

called Citizen Kane.

Guess what.

No Kane and no Batman.

And no color.
How dumb is that?



But we've got a really
good one for tonight.

Yeah, it's called
The Notebook.

A movie about a pad of paper.

Probably some stupid
Pixar thing.

- Like, how lame is that?
- It's gonna be hilarious.

This movie's so stupid.

Shut up, would you?

♪ ♪

Um, so, big news.

Beth has a date
with someone on Friday.

- Guess who.
- Death.

Me. Um, I broke
into my sandwich-press fund,

and it turns out,
I have enough money

to take her to Flatch's
hottest date place.



You're taking her
to China Wok?

- Yep.
- She doesn't deserve

a feast like that!

Okay.
Someone's jealous.

No, I'm not, okay?

I just can't believe
you're abandoning me

on Crappy Movie Night
to hang out

with the human yawn.

It's like saying
you can't go to Disneyland

'cause you'd rather go
hang out in a shed.

- "Oh, it could be fun."
- It's a date, dude.

What is this?

A new store.

A vaping and magic shop?

Yeah, that's not
completely weird.

Lame.

Hey, bros.

Can you believe it?

Three of my favorite things
in one place--

the magical arts
and my two magical friends!

Can you believe
how cool this is?

It's so totally awesome!

So, Dylan used to be
a magician

when we were friends
in grade school.

He performed
at my grandma's nursing home

when she was still alive.

His tricks were all so small,
and their eyes were so bad,

so no one could see
what he was doing.

Ta-da!

- But he was super cute.
- Whoop, whoop!

So they would just
come and stare at him

to forget they were old.

I love magic.

I even won the talent show
in high school.

But then everyone started
calling me "Abraca-Dork."

Then Nadine suggested
that I stop doing magic,

and so I did.

'Cause she's the boss.

Oh, got to run.

Can't be late
to Grandma's bridge club.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Smokus Pocus
is proud to present...

Murray Hillman!

Guess what.
That's me.

Hey, hold your applause
till now.

Thank you.

Look at this, kids,
the crystal tube.

- Behold, $5.99--
- Crystal tube, classic.

Totally classic.

All right, and you stick
your fingers in here.

Not two fingers, kids.
You got to be careful.

Why don't you do
magic anymore?

You used to be so good at it.

Nadine thinks it's dumb.

She's probably right.

Not if you love it,
she's not.

Yeah, I do kind of miss it.

Then you should do it again.

I could be your assistant.

We could do it
at the retirement home

like you used to do.

No, no.
Nadine would kill me.

Whoo!
Hey, hey, there we go.

Although she is out of town
this week.

Oh, yeah.

My sorority sisters and I
put together

this Babes and Babies
glamping trip.

It's pretty cute.

It's really fun--we just
get out here in nature,

let our hair down,
bring our babies.

It's so fun.

I still got a hotel room, though,

'cause, you know, bugs.

Whoa!

Look at that, huh?

I bet all the old people
you used to entertain back then

really miss you.

Well, I bet they're probably
all dead by now.

- Dark.
- Okay, well, then

there's a whole bunch
of new old people

who are forgotten and lonely.

Think about how happy
you'd make them.

You know what?

You're right.

Let's do it!

I think it's
a wonderful idea, you two.

A very selfless act.

I'm proud of you both.

Father Joseph,

do you know that there
is a shop in our town

that specializes
in black magic?

Smokus Pocus?

Ah, no, they're fine.

I mean, I don't really approve
of their smoking devices,

but the magic tricks they sell
are a lot of fun.

Father Joe,
as a man of the cloth,

I demand that you drive
that shop

and the Satan worshipper
who runs it out of town!

June's mad.

Check it.

Superhero tie.

Saw one of these
bad boys online,

but it cost too much money, so...

I took matters
into my own hands.

Repurposed some old bedsheets
from when I was a kid.

Beth is gonna see me wearing
this in my suit?

Oh, she's about to fall harder

than Nick does for Allie
in Notebook.

Why is there a ballerina
on it?

It--it's not a ballerina.

That--it's Mystery Man.

You know we couldn't afford
Batman!

All it takes is a little magic.

Oh, my God!

It's been really fun
reconnecting with Kelly.

She and I used to have fun all
the time when we were kids.

I don't feel like I have
that much fun anymore.

Not that Nadine isn't fun.

It's just, uh--
it's a different kind of fun.

What's my definition of fun?
Oh, cleaning out the attic.

I don't even bring a vacuum up.

I just do it all with my hands.

Whoo-whoo!

Are you jealous?

Dylan!

You're so much better
than you were in high school!

Man, I--
I really miss doing this stuff.

Thanks for talking me
into it, Kelly.

So what does
your assistant do?

You just bring
each trick out,

and then you take
each one back when I finish.

With a little style?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's it!
That's perfect.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Then you bring it to me.

- Thank you.
- Sir.

And we're there.

Ooh, this is gonna
be so good!

I miss hanging out
with you, Kelly.

My God.

Me more.

Dylan, pick up your phone.

Dylan, pick up your phone.

Nadine, hey.

I'm working on something
in the garage.

How's the glamping going, babe?

I heard Dylan is doing
a magic show

at the home this Friday.

I want to entertain
those old people, too.

Um, hello, Mandy.
Uh, that's great.

What, uh, what do you do?

I'm an insult comedian.

- Insult comedian?
- Yeah, like,

"Your face
looks like a cow's ass."

It's clever.

But, uh, it might not be right

for the retirement crowd.

Yeah, I figured
you'd say that.

I can sing, too.

Really?
What kind of songs?

All kinds.

Can you sing a nice,
uplifting hymn?

Yeah, I can definitely
do that.

Excellent.

Let's do that instead.

Okay.

Repent! Repent!

- Repent!
- Oh, crazy old broad.

Hey, what can I get you?

Bubblegum vape juice,
half off today only.

I actually need some flash
paper for my dove pan.

What do you need
the flash paper for?

You doing a kids' party
or what?

Retirement home.

Uh, the dove pan
is my big finish.

No, kid, come on.

They're gonna laugh you
right out of there

if you end with the pan.

Listen, you want to send them
back to their rooms

with a showbiz bang.

The Zig Zag Lady!

The best finale
in the business!

You got an assistant?

That's me.
I'm the assistant.

Oh, excellent.
Hop on in here, toots.

I can see a world
where Dylan and I get famous

for doing our act.

He needs that.

Can you imagine being married
to Nadine?

She'd inspire me to live
in the crawl space

under their house.

And there are, like,
a lot of possums under there.

- Oh!
- Oh, oh, my God.

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- Whoo-hoo!

- Pow, pow!
- Can I get--can I see?

I thought it was a mirror.

Poor Dylan.

I think, like,
I make him better.

Showbiz, bitches!

Hey, I like this girl.
She's a pip!

This would be amazing to end
the show with, but, uh...

- it's got to cost a fortune.
- Oh, kid, come on.

Don't worry about it.

I like to inspire new talent,

and, clearly, I need all
the advertising help I can get.

Look, I'll make a deal
with you, all right?

You kids tell all your friends
about Smokus Pocus,

and I'll loan you this
for the night, huh?

- Deal.
- Deal, all right!

- Deal.
- Okay.

- Deal!
- All right, great, great.

The key to dressing up

is to always leave something
a little messy.

It's what the Italians call sprezzatura,

which I read all about
in a magazine

I found on the street.

Okay, so you know
how you see my tie knot

is just a little off?

Sprezzatura.

Oh, also,

picked up this bad boy
at Smokus Pocus today.

Basically,
you put a dollar in it,

you close it, you pull it
back out, it's gone.

Close it again, pull it back
out, the dollar is there.

Beth is gonna fall hard,

because Murray told me
that girls go crazy

for little magic tricks.

Hey, I got to pay
my rent, don't I?

Nobody vapes
in this fakakta town.

So where are we going?

I hope you like
international cuisine.

- Oh, I do!
- Mm.

Do we have to cross
an ocean to get there?

Nope, it's right here
in Flatch.

- I thought you hated Flatch.
- I do.

But I'm man enough to admit

that you have the best
and only Chinese food

in the area, so...

feel free to show me off
to whoever you want

as payback for our town
stealing your sign.

I can take it.

Look, Murray, I just want
everyone to get along, okay?

So can you just go out there
and tell her

that you're not
a devil worshipper?

- How do you know I'm not?
- Are you?

Oh, you got something
on your shirt.

Showbiz!

Of course I'm not, padre.
Come on!

Let me go talk
to the old tomato, all right?

All right.

June?

Murray wants you to know

that he has only the best
intentions for Flatch.

No, he doesn't.

We don't need his black magic
in our town.

Maybe not,
but you look like you could use

a red rose.

Wow!
- Oh, my.

June, that was amazing,
wasn't it?

Oh, no, I'm not
falling for that.

Get thee behind me, Satan!

Well, I'd try,
but there's something

already there.

Oh-ho!

Oh, now, you stop that!

Only if you stop
being so beautiful.

Oh.

Jackpot!

Wow!

Hey!
Do me, do me, do me!

Father, I'm not gonna do you.

See, June?
Murray's a good guy.

I'm good.

Well, that was rather charming.

Now, my dear,

are you familiar
with the concept of vaping?

What kind of food is this?

It's Chinese.

So good.

Everything on this menu
sounds weird.

Oh, uh, do you like magic?

Hey, bros!

- This is crazy!
- Oh, God.

Fancy meeting you two here.

Yeah, it's a real surprise.

I hope you both
have a great dinner.

Hey, do you mind
if we join you?

No, come on in.

Capital!

And I was worried

I'd have to talk
to this character all night.

Snore!

Ah, got ya!

The next number
is the one that we all

love to hear our doctor say.
B-9!

That's right.
B-9.

Bingo!

You going out
in a bathrobe?

No, I just don't want to give

away my look to the audience
before I go on.

- It's a showbiz thing.
- All right, everyone.

We have a special treat
tonight for our break.

Mandy Matthews is gonna
uplift us with a hymn.

Mandy?

Thanks, everybody.

This hymn is very special to me

because it's an original
that I wrote

earlier this afternoon.

♪ Make your life righteous ♪

♪ Keep your faith strong ♪

♪ Cast off your sorrows ♪

♪ Sing praise with your song ♪

♪ Always do good deeds ♪

♪ Show love to the sick ♪

♪ Or you won't
get into Heaven ♪

♪ You dumb ♪

So the professor says,
"It was Kierkegaard,"

to which I reply,
"Well, at least he didn't let

his Kierkegaard down."

Um, I-I dropped
a cherry bomb down the toilet

in seventh grade,
and it made water

shoot out of the sink
in the girls' bathroom.

Someone could've gotten
really hurt.

Uh...

Shrub, your tie's crooked.

Yeah, it's
sprezzatura, Mickey.

Everybody ready to order?

Yes, um, I will be ordering
for the lady and me.

Um, we are gonna have
the Kung Pao shrimp,

sweet and sour pork,

an order of spring rolls,
and some fried rice, please.

I don't eat any of that.

Oh, um...

did you maybe see something
you did want or...?

- No.
- Maybe we can make you

something special.

Can I have
some steamed chicken?

No sauce...

or rice...

or vegetables...

or salt...

or anything.

Beth's food issues are so cute.

Um, like,

I don't think I'd ever, ever
get tired of this.

So what's the deal
with all the riddles, anyway?

Mm, mm.

Even though I love destinations,

my favorite part
is the journey to get there.

And so the more fun
and winding I can make the trip

to things that I've truly
been looking forward to,

the more appreciative I am
once I've arrived.

Like tonight.

Oh, my God.
Wow!

Oh, uh, Beth.

Uh, do you want to see a trick?

- Okay.
- You're gonna love it.

Just one sec.

Oh, uh, does anyone have
a dollar I can borrow?

- Mm-mm.
- I don't have any money.

I only use plastic, my bro.
Paper money is filthy.

Thank you for nothing, Mickey.
I will use my 20.

Now you see it...

Now you don't.

- Ah!
- Ha.

- Pretty cool, huh?
- Wow.

Yeah.
- That's amazing!

Yeah.

Make it reappear.

One sec.

Well, hey, I say
good riddance

to that germ-covered
Jackson, right?

Remember when you taught me
how to make

animals out of napkins?

Wha--

Yeah, um, Mickey's always try--
asking me to teach him things.

Like when you taught me
how to make a dog.

And there we go.

- Ruff, ruff, ruff!
- That's so cute.

I taught him that.

Oh, now you do one, Shrub.

- What?
- Remember when you taught me

how to make a rabbit?

That was fifth grade, dude.

Sure.

That doesn't
look like a rabbit.

Yeah, I told Mickey that
back then, too.

Uh, but, Shrub,

do you remember when you taught
me how to make a monkey?

Flip that around,
cut it in half,

and then you come over here,

and then here you go.

There we go, huh?
Right?

I was trying to help Shrub
look good in front of Beth,

because bro code,

but I just can't help
being impressive.

Even when I try
to underachieve,

I overachieve.

Hey, Mandy, you should really
double-knot those laces

so they don't come
untied again.

I know how to tie
my damn shoes, Mickey.

She doesn't.

Okay, and now before
our jackpot game,

we have a second treat.

Please welcome to the stage

the Amazing Dylan
and his assistant, Kelly.

I was a bridesmaid
at my Aunt Lola's wedding.

She bought me
this fancy dress,

but I only wore it once.

But I need to glam up
Dylan's act,

and I know I look hot in it.

Wow, you look
really great, Kelly!

- Presenting the Pan of Mystery.
- Hmm, what are these?

Hmm?

♪ ♪

Thank you.

Let's see what's cooking.

♪ ♪

Oh, I think this rabbit stew
is a bit undercooked.

Thank you, thank you.

I'd say this bears investigation.

You never know,
might be a story in it.

Okay, let's go.

Hey!
Me, who am I?

Swear to God, Mickey.
Swear to God.

Anyone care to guess
what this majestic creature is?

Yeah, a napkin, Mickey,

that normal people use
to wipe their mouths

when they're out on a date,

with only two people,
because that's how many people

are supposed to be on a date!

God!

A flamingo.

Correct, sir.
Hold on.

Aren't you the editor
of the Pockton Gazette?

(crowd murmuring

Uh, yep, yep.

But not here
on Pockton business.

Just having a-a night out

with my, uh--my good friend
and colleague.

And abracadabra!

Thank you.
Thank you.

And for my final trick,

I shall enthrall and amaze you

with the Zig Zag Lady!

Ooh!

♪ ♪

Uh, wait, uh...

it's caught.
The blade is caught

on my dress a little bit.

Now you know why
I don't wear dresses.

Ow!

I'm totally cut in half!
Uh-oh!

Wait. I'm sorry.

It's the dress,
it's the dress.

Okay, it's okay.
It's okay.

I'm good with it. Oh.

I'm just gonna--I'm gonna put
this through again.

Ah!
I'm cut in half again!

♪ ♪

Ta-da!

Also, my Aunt Lola's marriage
only lasted, like, four months,

so pretty sure
the dress is bad luck.

Miscalculation on my part.

I got ya.
Let me help, let me help.

Three, two, one.

You guys and your soft hands
haven't done

an honest day's work
in your life.

Out of my way!

Oh, my God,
they're gonna break it.

Oh, my God!

Showbiz!

Oh, jeez.

It was great spending
all that time with Dylan.

But I think being the magician

is more fun
than the assistant, so...

I don't think I'll do it again,

mostly because I'm pretty sure
Nadine won't let me.

No, I probably wouldn't use
Kelly as my assistant again.

Nadine would be way better
at it anyway.

But can't do it together,

because we got rid
of all his magic stuff.

Not gonna need it.

Well...

I'm sorry
about the crappy evening.

I had a really nice time.

And it was nice of you

to let Mickey
and his grandma sit with us.

But you were right,
it should have just been

you and me.

Can I give that food
to my sisters?

Oh, would they eat it?

Yeah, they'll eat anything.

Well, thanks.

Bye.

You don't think anyone's
gonna give me a hard time

about being seen with you,
do you?

Hey, as long as you get
more eyes on your paper,

who cares?

Oh, here I am.

So...

what's red and drawing

all of my attention
to your face?

My lips?

- Duck sauce.
- Oh.

That's--

Oh.

And your lips.

Well, worked for both, yeah.

- Good night.
- Good night.

So, yeah, we had to pay
Murray back

for breaking his Zig Zag box,

so I got people
to come to his show

for ten bucks a pop.

And now with the help
of my assistant,

I shall mystify you
with the Genii Box!

Gonna have to do

more shows, though,
'cause that stupid thing's

- so expensive.
- Whoo!

Super interesting, 'cause no
one's paying for my bruises

from falling out of the box,

and my legs
are frickin' purple.

Half off, today only!

Watch this, kid.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Showbiz!