Welcome to Flatch (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - RIP Cynthia - full transcript

Look, Cheryl should be allowed
to date whomever she wants.

I mean, we're not
together anymore.

My choice.
But, uh...

I met the guy.
- See ya, Joe-Joe.

He seems like
kind of a doofus.

But again, not my business.

Oh, excuse me, sorry.

Hey, Shrub.
I didn't do it!

Easy, I come in peace!

Hey, look, I'm starting a
computer class for the elderly,

and I thought you might
be willing to volunteer.



I know what whizzes
you kids are

with technology these days--

Did you get locked out
of Facebook again?

No.

This is not for me, okay?

I like to think of myself
as not exactly elderly yet,

although this could be
a great chance for you

- to meet the older generation.
- How much does it pay?

Well, "volunteer" means
it does not pay.

But I will provide juice.

- What kind of juice?
- Cranberry, apple-grape mix.

I'm listening.

Plus, I upgraded the church
Wi-Fi to the supreme package--

Oh, my--
[bleep], yes. I'm in.



The supreme Wi-Fi package
is, like, the unicorn of Wi-Fi.

The library had it
for, like, five minutes,

but people downloaded
so much weird porn

it actually broke the computer.

It's so powerful,
you can talk to the future.

Yeah, I had a great date
with Jimmy.

And, yes, he is from Pockton.

Apparently,
if you live in Flatch,

you have to hate Pockton

and anyone who deals
with them.

Honestly,

Flatch could learn a thing
or two from the town next door.

I mean, you go to Pockton,

that place is hopping
like a frog at a square dance.

They have a store
that only sells popcorn.

It's called "Pock-corn."
I mean, how cute is that?

Was that a water balloon
or a gunshot?

Hello?
Ugh.

Oh, hi, Nadine.

Your box was blocking
the entryway,

which needs to remain clear,
per fire regulations.

Oh, gosh. Well...

I guess it means it's time
to check out the entries.

I am running a contest

to come up with a new slogan
for Flatch.

I'm gonna put all the entries
in the paper,

and then everybody votes.

Oh, okay, I'm not really sure

what's wrong
with our current slogan.

Oh, well,

"Home of
Colonel Flatch's latrine"

doesn't exactly scream
must-see destination.

Okay, well, agree to disagree.

Oh, I'm so excited.

Let's check out
our first entry.

Um...

"Flatch, home of Cheryl,
unfortunately."

That's dumb.

Ah, let's try another one.

"If you love Pockton so much,
you should just move there."

Period, "Cheryl," period.

Mm.

It's not a slogan.

My machine is broken!

Len, how many times do
I have to tell you

it's not called a machine
and it's not broken?

It is asleep.

Okay.
Wake my machine up.

Hey, Kelly,
what a great surprise.

I didn't know
you wanted to volunteer.

Can't talk, okay?

I'm in the middle
of a killer game of "Among Us,"

and I need in on your Wi-Fi.

Where can I plug in?

You absolutely can not

play games here Kelly

Okay, not a game.
A lifestyle.

Still a no.
But June could use some help.

We have juice.

- What flavor?
- Apple-grape.

Uh...

I love apple-grape.
Okay.

- Hey, June.
- Hey.

I am going to need you to turn

away while I check my emails.

- Okay.
- What you got going on here?

Ideas for the Flatch
slogan contest.

Oh, yeah?
"Flatch is a catch."

It rhymes.

When I win the $100, I'm gonna
start a hydroponic tomato farm.

I looked it up on the Google.

- There's a cash prize?
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I'd say my chances of
winning this are pretty high.

Mallets already have
a pretty strong track record

of coming up with nicknames
for things in this town.

Grody-Ass Pond,
Witch Finger Woods,

Lookout.

We're rock stars at
choosing good words for stuff.

"Flatch,
we should get a cannon

and shoot Cheryl out of it."

Wow, you weren't kidding.

People really hate you.
I know.

Someone threw a water balloon
at my bedroom window

last night.

What?
These are threats.

And you need
to protect yourself.

Gosh, it was just one date.

I don't even know
if I like the guy.

Ah.

This small bust of Jane Austen
could crack a skull.

Put it down here within reach
just so you can get it.

Just in case, okay?

So let me ask you do you know
any of the following--

judo, Krav Maga, Muay Thai,

a chokehold you put on
a pit bull to make him let go,

but you could also use
on a man?

Sorry, Mandy,
this is so silly.

I am a pacifist.
I fight with my words.

You got a strong reflex game.
I can work with that.

It's been a week, and we've
had some exciting developments.

Bessie has learned
how to find recipes online

and that "BDSM" does not stand
for "Beef Dinner Small Meals."

Malcolm spent an entire savings
bond on a rare Beanie Baby.

And thanks to Shrub,
Len got on a dating website,

and he met a lovely woman.

Both Cynthia and I love pie,

conspiracy theories,
and sponge baths.

That's her.

Shrub!

That's a teddy bear emoji.

So what do I say now?

Emojis are complicated.

Okay, well, there's one
that looks like it's crying,

but it's actually laughing--
that's always good,

especially if it's tilted
to the side a little bit.

Fire emoji, that's good.

100, that's, like,
also very good.

Clown is bad, okay?

You don't want to get a clown
under any circumstances.

What else? Oh, eggplant
does not mean eggplant.

Peach is not a peach.
Or a cherry.

Pretty much any food item

could really get you
into trouble, Len.

Hourglass means
that someone is hot,

but not in the way fire does.

And let's see, well, then we
get into emoji combinations,

and that's just
pretty complicated stuff.

I don't want to hurt
your brain.

I'm just gonna say,
"Hi, Cynthia."

Safe choice.

Okay. First impressions.
Don't think too hard, okay?

"Flatch, just do it."

- I've heard that one before.
- Okay, noted.

"Flatch, more than you expected
but less than you dreamed."

That's a mouthful.

"Flatch, we're the bomb."

Bombs are bad.

Bessie, like, I swear to God!

I can't with your negativity
anymore, dude.

June has some cute ones,
and we like hers.

How's it going, June-bug?

Hey, I am having so much fun
writing my slogans.

Yeah, you want to show me some?

Oh, no!
I erased them all!

I hit escape.

We learned that day one.

Okay, so...

let's say somebody gets
behind you, does this.

- Hi. How can I help you?
- No. [bleep], no.

I could be your killer.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- No!

Don't apologize
to your killer.

Okay, just do me, do me.

Yoke, solar plexus,
clench, groin.

If the idiot is still standing,

double fingers up nose.

Wow.
How do you know all that?

I trained to be
in the Secret Service.

- That's so cool!
- Yeah, not really.

Basically, they just wanted you
to run next to a car for miles,

and that's not my jam.

Also, I'm not good
at keeping secrets.

It's fine.

Punch me in the stomach.
Come on.

I'm not punching you
in the stomach.

Okay.
Fine.

Then just kick me
in the coin purse.

Come on, knee me right here
in the marble pouch! Let's go.

Are you talking
about your genitals?

We need to get you worked up.
What--what makes you angry?

Leap day!

Leap day?
Yes!

It messes up every line
in the calendar for weeks.

Oh, boy.

What about Joe?

Mm-mm, nope.
Joe doesn't make me angry.

- Really?
- Mm-mm.

The guy hauls you here
and then dumps you?

Well, "dump"
is a very strong word.

Well, use your own word.

He just needed space.

After he hauled me here.

Oh, my God.
Oh!

Saying that out loud it makes
me feel really, really--

Angry?

No, really, really...

Violent?

Sad.

Oh, Lord.

Can my plexus have a hug?

Bring it in.

I knew she should cry today.

I just didn't realize
it would be this soon.

Oh, hi, Nadine,
what can I do for you?

I have come to submit
my slogan entries.

They are in double-sealed,
marked envelopes, okay?

So there can be no hijinks.

Well, Flatch is the home
of hijinks.

Did you just come up
with that?

What?

326?
The Pockton exchange?

Jimmy calls me
every afternoon

to say how do you do.

It's really sweet.

He actually says that.
"How do you do?"

And I say, "Do what?"

It's a joke we have.

Do what?

That'll teach 'em.

Call me elderly, but that
computer class reminded me

that it's the high time
to go through my computer

and remove some documents
that I don't need anymore.

- Dude, dude!
- What?

I came up
with the perfect slogan.

Oh, okay,
hit me, hit me, hit me.

Okay, well, you know
how I get my best ideas

- when I am on "la toilette"?
- Yes?

Wheel socks,
edible matchsticks.

Inside gloves.

Different than outside gloves
because they're worn inside.

- Go on.
- Okay, okay.

Get ready
to have your mind blown.

Okay.
Hit me, hit me, hit me.

Okay, the winning slogan is,

"Flatch, come bask
in our Flatch-ulence"!

- Dude, that's brilliant.
- I know, right?

Okay, so when you see
that slogan in the paper,

I'm gonna need your vote.

Flatch-ulence sounds dirty
to me.

Does it, Bessie?
Or does it sound brilliant?

No.
It sounds dirty.

Fine.
Here.

A dollar for each of you.

I didn't want to stoop
to bribery,

but if that's what it takes,
so be it.

So rule number one
of successful business growth

is sometimes you have
to spend a dollar

to make a whole bunch
of dollars.

Rule number two is you need
to sit on the toilet a lot.

Shrub,
I need help with my machine.

Len, I told you.

No one is buying
your old pants on eBay.

I'm trying figure out
how to wire money to Cynthia.

Why are you trying
to do that?

She wants to buy a plane ticket
to come to visit me.

But in Estonia, you can't get
into your bank account

without giving them $3,000.

It's all rigged.

Anyway, the bank headquarters
is in Nigeria,

and there's the routing number.

Oh, no, uh, no, no,
we can't do that.

Um, you can't wire money
over the Internet on Tuesdays.

Oh.

That's "Cynthia."
She's pretty.

No, he's being catfished
right now.

No, it's a scam. Look.

They're using stock photos
of Miss Estonia 2006.

- Oh, this is bad.
- Yeah.

He's about to send
$3,000 to her,

or to him, or whoever
in Nigeria.

Whatever.
Well, what do we do?

Well, I don't think
we have a choice.

We got to tell him the truth.

I mean, it's gonna hurt, but
it's better that he knows now.

Man, it sucks when people prey
on the elderly.

Eh, depends.

Hey, Shrub, I checked.

That no wiring money
on Tuesdays--

total fake news.

You got to watch out for
those internet scams, Shrub.

Yeah.

Len, we have something
we have to tell you.

Yeah, about Cynthia.

There's nothing you're
gonna say about that woman

that'll make me love her less.

When--when Martha passed...

I didn't think I was ever
gonna find love again.

Who'd have thunk it?
I mean, an old man like me?

- She's dead. Cynthia's dead.
- What?

What?

What happened?

- Train accident.
- She drowned.

Yes.
Yes, yes, that's right.

Yeah, she had just passed her
conductor's test,

and she, uh,
she went out to celebrate

and she got, like,
so loaded, and--

Yeah.

You know the rest.

No, I don't.

Sh...

She drove that train right
into a lake.

- Lake.
- Yeah.

Mm. Of course.

She was a train conductor, too.

Oh, that woman could do anything.

Except swim.

Yes.

All she had was me.

How will she be remembered?

Probably as a woman
who drove a train into a lake.

She had no family.

There'll be no memorial service
or anything.

I'm so sorry, Len.
I know this is hard.

We need to give her
a funeral.

Yeah, that's right.
Mm-hmm.

We do?

That would be
the proper thing to do.

Right, Father?

So, yeah,
we're shopping for a funeral

for a made-up person
from a made-up country.

Uh, Estonia is actually real.
I looked it up.

Well, there's no Estonian
soccer merch,

so color me a doubter.

Father Joe basically gave us
a ton of church funds

and seeing as this is my fault,

I thought we should
we should go all out.

Whole town's gonna come.

Everyone shows up
when they know

there's gonna be free cake.

Yeah, we got streamers,
a piñata--

I should be out campaigning
for my new slogan,

but instead, here I am shopping
for funeral glitter.

I believe
that every living thing

deserves a dignified death,
even if they're made up.

Like, one time, we were
driving to Dayton

to this monster truck rally,
and Kelly just hit this deer.

And she was like,
"Oh, no, we have to keep going.

We're gonna miss
the opening horn."

And I was like, "No, no.
We need to honor this animal.

"And we need get out

and kick these pieces of deer
into the ditch."

And that's what we did.

Hey, I need your help.

Which one do I wear
to Cynthia's funeral?

Cynth--Oh, is that
the Estonian model Cynthia?

Someone sent in an obituary
for her.

Ech, that train accident
is tragic.

Yeah, she doesn't exist.

Len got catfished online,
everyone feels bad,

so we're throwing
a funeral for her.

A made-up funeral?
Yeah.

Funeral's real, lady's not.

Oh, got it.

It said on the e-vite
"Estonian casual,"

but what the
does that mean?

There was an e-vite?

Yeah, whole town got it.
Didn't you?

- No.
- Wow.

Whatever. I didn't get invited
to a fake funeral.

Whoop de doo.

- You want to be my plus-one?
- You got invited with a date?

Our love was brief,
but it was strong.

I only wish I'd been able to...

ride her train.

Well, uh, not the last one.

Uh...

Gunnar and the Dragons.
Estonian pop sensation.

♪ ♪

Thank you, Len.

That was lovely.

We didn't know Cynthia,

but we're all here
because Len loved Cynthia.

And we love Len.

Thank you.

Love is the memories
of the person you lost,

memories of your first meeting,
real or virtual.

Your first date...

when you realized

that you both love Grease 2

more than Grease
the original...

that time you split
the gas station sushi

and you both Giardia.

Are we talking about Cynthia?

Yeah, he's going
off-book, he's going off-book.

Go, go.
Get him.

You can still love that person,

even if they're not
with you anymore

and you have to eat the tickets

to the Columbus
Stomp Your Own Wine Gala.

Very moving, Father,
very moving stuff.

Okay, now, if no one else
has anything to say,

we'd like to invite you
into the Emerson room, okay?

For some cake and mulgipuder,

which, I guess,
is something Estonians make

with sausage,
but we used hot dogs.

Also, let's not forget,

vote for Kelly Mallet's slogan
in the paper.

I'd like to say something!

Quick. Yep, yep, okay.
Thank you.

Hi, I'm--

Go back to Pockton!

- PERSON 2: Yeah!
- PERSON 3: Mm-hmm.

Look, I-I didn't know Cynthia,
um, but, uh...

I am her.

I mean, a single woman
of a certain age

just trying to make a go of it
in a very small town.

And believe me, not easy.

I'm sorry I went on a date
with a guy from Pockton.

But don't we all deserve love?

And if you have to find that on
the Internet or one town over,

I mean, who are we to judge?

I might even go
to Pockton again.

But that does not mean
I don't like Flatch,

because I do,
I really do.

I mean, I love how,
when I first moved here,

June dropped off a
crab casserole on my doorstep.

I didn't find it
till the next morning,

so it smelled like death,

but what
a beautiful thought, June.

I love how Blind Billy knows me
just by touching my butt.

Uh, Cheryl?

I used to find that so creepy.

Now I think it's very sweet.

And my new friend, Mandy,

she has designed
a very special tattoo for me

of Elizabeth Cady Stanton,

my all-time favorite suffragette.

That could be
a power statement.

We'll get that
on you real soon.

Yeah.

So busy, but, yeah.

I love that you all care
so much

to throw a funeral for a woman
who isn't even--

she doesn't--
she's not from here.

So here's to Cynthia
and to all the single women

who are just trying
to live their best lives.

Because if you're gonna uproot
your life for love,

Flatch is so not
the worst place to be.

Whoo! Yes!

After my speech, there was
a groundswell of votes

for the new slogan,
and, um...

I guess I won!

- Hi, neighbor!
- Oh, hi, June!

So the contest was rigged, obviously.

But good news is I already
ordered a ton of merch,

so I'm still gonna make bank.

What size are you?
Uh...

What size are you?
Medium.

Medium? Okay.
Was that so hard?

It's gonna be 30 bucks, okay?

No!

Oh, my gosh, I am so sorry.

Why you hit me in the plexus?

No, I thought you were, like,
a predator or something.

- Can I help you?
- No, no! Don't touch me!

Cynthia?

You stay away from me!

You're real!

Stay away from me!

But Len's gonna be
so happy!

It's Cynthia!

Crazy lady!

You must be so jetlagged!

Just stay back!

Okay, well, go relax.

Settle in.

What is with this town?