Welcome to Flatch (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Naked Lady Day - full transcript

Anyone coming?
You're good.

Hi, Shrub.
Nice day we're havin'.

Yeah, June.
Sure is.

- [bleep], dude!
- How was that my fault?

She blew right past me.

I've been
doing outdoor art

for as long as I can remember.

It's just, like, something
I do to pass the time.

Part of that thug life.

You are so not thug.

Look, he uses
the little markers



that kids use in the bathtub.

See?

No, dude!
I worked hard on that!

I draw myself
as different types of things.

Um, this is me
as a barbarian warrior.

That's me as a space marine.
Pew!

That's me as a horse.

That's me riding me as a horse.

Oh, don't-don't-don't
worry about that one.

Is that you and Beth
riding a dragon?

I said don't worry about it.

How can you ride
a dragon with her

when you don't even have
the balls to ask her out?

I'm workin' on it.
Don't wanna look desperate.



No, you definitely don't want
to look desperate.

Hey!

What's goin' on here?

Sorry, that one was on me.

Uh, I saw him coming.
I just totally spaced out.

Shrub, are you
responsible for this?

Me?
How could you say such a thing?

Because it looks like a drawing
of you riding a dragon.

Thank you!

And I literally caught you
red-handed.

I'm too beautiful for prison!

Look, I believe in you,
Shrub, okay?

The others, they may see you
as a juvenile delinquent.

What others?
Name names.

And if you say Len,
it doesn't count

because he's had a thing
against me since I was five.

That's not--
- June? Blind Billy?

Look...
What?

The point is,
we have to redirect

your artistic energies
into something more worthwhile.

Oh, I got it!

How 'bout the art class
at the community center?

Oh, my God. How 'bout
I stick tacks in my eye?

Come on, it'll be perfect.

I mean, you clearly
love drawing.

You know, this could be
a great opportunity

for you to explore your craft.

I'd be even happy

to foot the bill.

Yeah, and art class is not

really my scene, Binghoffer.

I'm not gonna paint daisies
with a bunch of old fogies.

No, thank you.

Well, let me put it to you
in a different way.

You either go to this class,

or I'm gonna be forced
to call the authorities.

Fine, yeah.

I'll take the stupid art class.

But I'm not gonna like it.

And I'm not gonna
learn anything.

And I will not grow
in any way.

That's the spirit!

Mm.

What's with all those
rose petals and candles?

It's just nothing.

Are you making a porno?

Not a porno.
I'm just--

Are you?

No, I'm doing
some spring cleaning.

Okay? You just go
enjoy your class.

Okay, you have fun. Bye.

- Okay!
- Bye.

I met a woman on Tinder.

Yeah, her name's Laura.
She's very sweet.

Um, she lives
a hundred miles away.

So we're gonna do
our first date on Zoom.

So I'm just trying to make
the office

a little bit less church-y

and a little bit more sexy.

Yeah, uh, Cheryl and I,

we had a bit of a moment
the other night.

But, uh, it was a mistake.

I'm sure Cheryl feels
the exact same way.

We almost kissed
the other night

when Joe brought me hummus.

Ugh! It's so confusing.

I don't know what it means.

But, I don't know, I'm excited
to see how it plays out.

A little anxious,
but mainly excited.

I got you your favorite:
the Meat Assault.

Sausage really complements
the sausage.

I'm glad we could
work out a deal.

One pizza for you
coming to class with me.

I'd be bored AF if I had
to go to art class alone.

I already know what
I'm gonna draw:

a big butt.

Yeah, I'm actually pretty sure

that they tell you
what to draw.

- It's so dumb.
- Doesn't matter.

I'm gonna draw a big butt
no matter what.

It's my dad.

Kelly's phone.
Kelly speaking.

Are you kidding?
I would love to hang out today.

No, no, no.
My art class.

- No, sorry, it's just Shrub.
- No!

Yeah, it's fine.

I'm free as a bird today.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Kay, sounds good.
See you soon.

I'm sorry,
what were you saying?

Are you kidding me?
We had a pizza deal.

- That's sacred.
- My dad needs me, okay?

I have to stop
at his girlfriend's place

to pick up a few of his things.

Like, we'll draw butts
another time.

No. No more pizza for you!

Don't! Kelly!

Give that back!
Kelly!

Ugh.

So nimble.

I feel sorry for Kelly.

Because Uncle Bobby
comes in and out of her life

whenever he wants,

and she will fall for it
every single time.

Like, I am so lucky
I don't have that problem.

Because my mom left me here
with my nan when I was a baby,

and I never even met my dad.

So... I don't have anyone
to let me down.

Plus, my nan makes the best
chocolate chip cookies.

Yeah, my aunt--
so Shrub's mom--

she left Flatch years ago
to go find herself.

I heard she's in Borneo
rescuing baby monkeys.

So...

unclear if she found herself
or just went totally nuts.

This is Coco.

And this right here
is Banana-rama.

I mean, it's-it's
seriously like I have

brothers and sisters,

only they're monkeys.

Hey, whoa, whoa!
What's goin' on here?

Your dad sent me a picture
of his

Ew.
Also, so what?

Then, he sent a text saying,
"Sorry, wrong number."

So what's goin' on is, your dad
is a cheating son of a bitch.

Could you throw down
his toothbrush?

But in a way that
I for sure can catch it?

Thanks.

Shrub?

I didn't know you were
in this class.

Yeah, I'm not.

Let it be known I'm here
against my own free will.

You are gonna love the teacher.

She's brilliant!
And she's been to Spain twice!

Oh.
Okay, Lenny-wise.

Yeah, that's a lot
of booze there.

It helps me create.

Oh, what's up, Cheryl?

Didn't think you'd be here.

Oh, well actually
I'm here every week.

Oh, this art class is the only
activity that I have found

that really helps me de-stress
after a long day at the paper.

I mean, I've tried everything.

I tried meditation,

but couldn't stop lookin'
at the Twitter.

I joined a running club
for a bit.

Eat my dust, suckers!

I like that art
is just for me, you know?

I also happen to be better
than every person in the class.

But that does not matter.

It's just the truth.

Yeah, well, Father Joe
forced me to come here

so I could "unlock
my potential," or whatever.

So dumb.

It's so like Joe to want
to make a difference.

You know, he once, uh,
rescued a baby possum

and nursed it back to health
and then kept it as a pet.

Mm, yeah, except
I'm not a baby possum.

I'm an adult man.

I just mean metaphorically,
you're a baby possum.

You're a baby possum.

Attention, class.

Or as they say in Spain,

atención.

We're gonna continue
our series on figure drawing.

Let's welcome back our model, Shelly.

Now get your charcoal ready.

- And begin.
- What?

Jessie's just making
stuff up again.

I never sent any sexts.

I'll tell you
what probably happened.

Some bozo at the bar
must have taken my phone

by accident and-and used it.

Right, but Jessie said

they were pics
of your, you know, uh, D.

Well, sure.

I mean, obviously,
this mystery fellow

preferred to use a picture
of my you-know-what,

rather than his you-know-what,
because I happen to be

particularly blessed
in that department.

It is a heavy burden, both
figuratively and literally.

Man, the nerve of some people!

I'm tellin' you, Kel.

Everyone's against me.

Jessie, your mom,

my various enemies
that shall not be named.

I'm all alone.

You've got me, Dad.
I'll always be here for you.

All alone.

Ladies and gentlemen,
our flight to Bangkok

will be 12 hours, 30 minutes.

We expect clear skies

with minor turbulence
over the Atlantic.

I'll now hand it over
to my co-pilot, Kelly,

for the safety briefing.

Greetings,
ladies and gentlemen.

And thank you for flying
Mallet Air, exclusive airline

for the 2022 cage
wrestling championships.

So my dad really
throws himself

into making the plane
simulator feel real.

He even found
those little booze bottles

that they give you
on the plane.

Also, he pees in a gallon
Sprite bottle

to make sure
we don't miss any flight time.

Mr. Mallet, your...

your line work
is muy avanzado.

Uh, does that mean good?

- Oh, yes.
- Oh.

You have deftly captured
the curve of the breast.

And rotate.

Oh, come on.

Oh, uh, no.
Uh, Shrub, if you don't--

if you don't mind moving over
just a little bit.

I'm trying to maintain
some creative space here.

Yeah, I'm still deftly
capturing her breasts.

Do I feel like
I'm betraying Beth?

Yes and no.
Um, yes because I love Beth.

And I would never do anything
to get in the way of that,

like, in a million years.

But on the other hand,
I'm an artist.

Look, this class is
kind of a sanctuary for me,

and I'm a little anxious
right now, so lots of things--

Man!
How incredible is Shelly?

I always thought
Beth was the one for me,

but there's just something
about Shelly

that I just can't
quite put my finger on.

Like, she's just so...so...

Naked?

That has nothing to do with it.

I didn't even know
she was naked.

Why? Is she naked?

Hmm.

Shrub, look at me.

Is this your first time
seein' a naked lady?

Please.

I've seen plenty
of naked women.

I have to go.

Shrub has 100%

never seen a naked woman
in real life.

The closest he's ever come
was touching Abby Taylor's bra,

and he still brags
about it to this day.

He calls it Bra Day.

It's actually
a pretty fun holiday.

It even has its own anthem.

♪ I've been touchin' all
those boobies all night long ♪

♪ Bra Day ♪

♪ Bra Day ♪

I love the flow.

It's nice, yeah.

Oh, lovely, June.

I-I feel so much complexity.

Yeah.

Oh, whoops!

You have any comments for me?

It...

you really sketched.

Oop. That's, uh,
just a statement of fact,

said with enthusiasm.

Specifics?

Well, your-your work
feels tight.

Um, a little like a bebe
swaddled into suffocation.

Take a look
at Mr. Mallet's work.

His lines are free and flowing.

Oh, grace-ee-as.

Well, I don't need lessons
from Shrub.

I was an art history minor.

And you're not from Spain!

Excuse me.

Oh, gosh.

No!
Who drank the wine?

Workin' on a Christmas tree
farm is a thinking man's game.

That's what people
don't understand.

They think you can lift
200 pounds of Noble Fir

with your arms?

Nope!

You do it with your mind.

Ah.

Wait, but then
you use your arms too.

Nope, just your mind.

I punched a guy,
square in the chest, right?

Doesn't say a word.

Pays his tab,
puts on his coat, goes home.

Two days later?
Dead.

Here's what the casinos
don't want you to know.

You can count dice.

- Whoa!
- Yeah.

Throw them straight down,
it's always a 7.

Throw them to the side,
it's an 8 or 11.

Never a 6.
Write that down.

That's some serious intel, girl.

My dad's a friggin' legend.

Seriously, I keep telling him
he should write a memoir

about all the amazing stuff
he's done.

It'd be a best seller.

But that's the thing,
he's also incredibly humble.

Hi.

Hey, do you play Fortnite?

I feel like
you'd be really good.

Seriously?

I wanted you to explore
your artistic talents,

not ogle a naked woman.

I wasn't ogling her.

I was looking at her,
which, PS,

was the point of the class,
so that's on you.

I'm disappointed in you, Shrub.

I expected more from you.

Yeah, well, maybe you shouldn't
expect more from me.

Maybe I am just a delinquent

and you should just give up
on me like everybody else.

No, that's not what I'm saying.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I don't want to ogle you
on my way out.

Ow!

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Bangkok,

where the local time
is 2:00 p. m.

Please remain seated until
we turn off the seat belt sign,

and thank you for flying
Mallet Air.

Oof!
Good flying with you, kiddo!

You too, Dad.

Better get on the cleaning
turnover, Kel.

It's a quick turnaround.

Hello?

Can you hear me now?

Yeah, now it works.

Good.

It's going really well.
Yeah, Laura's smart and funny.

Um, or at least I think she is.

The town doesn't get
very good Internet,

so I'm missing
every other word.

I said...

last time
while I all.

Yeah, totally.

Knock, knock!

Cheryl.
What are you doing here?

Who's Cheryl?

I was just on my way back
from art class,

and, uh, it very well
may be the case

that I find that class
so relaxing

less because of the art

and more
because of the free wine.

Yeah.

It's only, um,
the neon orange ones.

But, um,
if you close your eyes...

- Oh.
- ...they taste white.

Mm.

Oh!
Why all the candles?

Hey, Joe?
Where'd you go?

Who is that?

I-I think it's
one of those pop-up ads.

They target you
a lot these days.

A lot of these--
yeah, all the time.

Ooh. Hello.

Um, hi.

Oh, gosh.

Is this--is this a date?

Um, kind of?

Oh, my gosh!

- Cheryl, I am so sorry!
- Oh, gosh. I gotta go.

Who is Cheryl?

Oh, hey, um, yeah.
I'm Cheryl.

Nice to meet you.

You guys have a great night,
whatever your name is.

But, uh, little tip,
don't let Joe adopt a possum,

or you're gonna be finding
dried possum turds

in your house for years.

Years.

Okay, have a good night.

Yeah this date is over.

Hey, loser.

So how's it been
hanging out with your dad?

Oh, it's been goin'
incredible, actually.

We've been connecting
on all these new levels.

Like, it-it's really good.

I'm super happy for you.

How was art class?

Well, apparently,
I have talent.

Mm-hmm?

And I saw a naked lady,
which was pretty cool.

- Are you serious?
- Yes.

- That's your first!
- I know!

- Nice!
- Crazy.

Dude, Naked Lady Day
is gonna be

so much cooler than Bra Day.

♪ Naked Lady Day ♪

-♪ Naked Lady Day ♪
- ♪ Lady Day ♪

♪ Naked Lady Day,
Naked Lady Day ♪

Hey, Shrub.
What's up?

What's up, Uncle Bobby?

What's that?
What ya got there?

It's just some drawings
from my figure drawing class.

- Figure drawing?
- Yeah.

Let's have a look.
Come on.

Okay.

Yeah, well, prepare to have
your mind blown.

I'll be
the judge of that.

Ah. Very nice.

Subtle use of shading
on the buttocks.

I know.

Keen attention to those
nipples, that's good.

- Soy artista.
- Mm.

Tha-that means
"I'm really good" in Spanish.

That makes sense.

You're a Mallet man.

You got the Mallet mojo
in ya, huh?

Yeah.

We got cojones,
passion, real talent.

Even you, Shrub.

Hey, wait,
I know this broad.

This is, uh, Shelly Russell.
Yes!

Yeah, I would know
those boobs anywhere.

Oh, it's sweet
you know that.

Go for Bobby.

Oh, my God.
Do you smell that?

What?

Oh, that's my Mallet mojo,
baby!

Well, Jessie wants me
to come home.

They always do.

That is the Mallet mojo.

Damn straight. Yeah.

Wait.
What about our return flight?

Oh, uh, yeah, you're gonna
have to do it without me.

I can't fly without you.
You're the captain.

Well, congrats, Kel.

You are the captain now.

W-why do you want to go back
to Jessie?

Didn't you just say
she's against you?

Kel, there's some things

you're just too young
to understand.

Like what?

I'm savin' it for my book.

That makes sense.

Good flying with you, Dad!

You're it.

You're it!

Come on!

Ho, ho!
Ho, ho!

Hey.

Joe!
What are you doing here?

I just came to apologize
for the other night.

Oh, you really don't have to.

No, I-I shouldn't have
just shown up like that.

- Still, I'm sorry.
- No. Really, it's fine.

Hey, I don't know if you have
any lunch plans,

but, uh, maybe you
and I could just...

Hey.

What did
the Central European country

say at the NATO banquet?

I'm Hungary.
Let's eat.

Oh, no, that one's funny!

Yeah.

Oh, hey there.

Hey there, Jimmy Jameson,
editor, Pockton Gazette.

Joe.

Man, you are really rockin'
that collar, Joe.

Thanks.

- You ready?
- Yeah. Oh, yeah.

- Okay, let's go.
- All right.

See you, Joe.

- Bye, Cheryl.
- See you, Joe-Joe.

See you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we are about halfway
through our flight.

At this point, we're gonna
turn off the main cabin lights.

We hope you get some good rest,

and we'll be in Cincinnati
when you wake up.

They put spaghetti
in their chili there,

so get ready
to have your mind blown.

Yup, and we also have
extra pillows and blankets,

if anybody needs those.

I personally like
two pillows under my arms

because my pits get cold.

I think it's good
my mom left me in Flatch.

That way I can
be there for Kelly.

Same way I'm there
for Banana-rama,

my orangutan sister.

What day is it?

No! It was Banana-rama's
birthday on Tuesday.

Oh.

Forgot to send a card.

So what now?

We literally just,
like, sit here

and watch the plane fly
over the Atlantic?

Pretty much.

- What's this button do?
- Don't touch that!

Great.
You just crashed the plane.

Why would it have a button
that does that?

Beth.

What are you up to?

Takin' out the trash.

Ah, that is correct.

Yeah.

Would you like
to go out on a date?

- Right now?
- Oh, um, no.

Like, uh, this weekend maybe?

Okay.

Okay.

The trash is leaking.

Sorry about that.

Thank you.
That's really nice.

I just asked Beth out.

Oh, God!
Uncle Bobby was right.

When you have that Mallet mojo,
you just gotta use it.

Oh, God!
What a rush.

I'm-I'm actually feeling
really light-headed right now.

So I think I'm just gonna--

I think I'm just gonna
lay here for a sec.