Welcome to Flatch (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Dance It Out - full transcript

- Shh, shh, shh.
- Okay, crazy alert.

Right in this store
behind us--right here--

is one pair of Nike Vaporfly
- Elite Flyprint 3
- D sneakers.

Can you believe it?

The exact same shoes
that Tony Hawk wears

to walk his dogs are sitting
on a shelf right now

between a pair
of orthopedic nurses' shoes

and those sandal things

that old ladies
can fit their feet into

if they have hammer toes.
Well, hey--

They came in the bottom of
a box of socks into the store.



Yeah.
Total mistake.

Those shoes are worth,
like, $2,000.

Guess how much Mr.
Perkins is selling them for?

$100.

All we need is $100 and we'll
be walking like the Hawk-King.

And Shrub and I wear
the exact same size shoe,

so we're gonna switch off
wearing them every other day.

My God!
Shoo! get out!

And don't come back!

- You're a wicked man.
- Wait! Where's my shoe?

Perkins!
My shoe is still in there.

You stole my shoe!

What the hell?

Oh, ew, ew!
I stepped in old man spit!



Oh!

I stepped
in old man spit, oh!

- Gettin' our garage sale on!
- Hey, hey!

We're gonna make a fortune.

We brought out all
our best stuff, so come on in.

Check it out.
Super cute.

These were my best friends
growin' up,

so gonna make some kid
really happy.

Don't touch that!
Put it down!

Okay, everyone under
seven, out!

Get out!
- Not allowed! Not allowed!

Go, go, go, go, go!

Hey, how much is this?

Oh, you have very good taste,
my friend.

I went through a pirate phase
in high school

after Kelly and I
watched, like,

a Pirates of the Caribbean marathon.

I-I dressed up like
Jack Sparrow for a while.

But, uh, then, like,

a bunch of jocks beat me up

for wearing mascara.

Um, yeah, but during that time,

I was able to make a bunch

of treasure maps of our town.

"Yar lies Colonel Flatch's
treasure of gold."

I-is this real?

Hell yeah.

Did you ever dig up
the treasure?

No, Levi,

I-I'm a very busy guy.

Can I buy the map?

I'll give you $5.
It's my whole allowance.

Friggin' sold, my man!
Happy hunting!

I'll give you 10 cents
for the cat.

[bleep], Len.
Okay, this is pure china.

It says China
on the bottom, even.

Also, there's sentimental
value there, so 20 bucks.

Forget it.
I hate cats anyway.

I just wanted something
to prop open the bathroom door.

Ew.

Cats rule, okay?

And normal people close
the door

They don't prop it open,
disgusto!

Ever thought
that's why you live alone?

Start closing the door
when you do gross stuff!

Um, I got another email
from Jimmy

over at the Pockton Gazette.

Another riddle.

"What do you get when you cross
two rival newspaper editors?"

Do you think
that means he's asking me out?

'Cause I think he might be.

Or it's a death threat.

Ah, it's so hard
to tell these days!

Hey.

You need to make the font
on the paper bigger.

I lost my reading glasses

and I don't want
to buy another pair.

Hi, Mandy. What's up?

I just told you.

- Oh, is that why you came by?
- Yeah.

Oh, wait.
Can I ask you a question?

Hey, I--are you single?

I'm flattered,
but I don't do redheads.

Y'all are bad luck.
What? No.

Um, look, there's this guy
who's been emailing me,

and I think he might want
to ask me out.

But, um, I'm not really sure

if I'm ready
to start dating again.

Listen, just shut
that all down.

Get out there!
You're at your peak.

I get it.
It ain't easy.

The men, and even some of
the women I've got my eye on,

they think I'm out
of their league.

They are correct.

But they're intimidated
by my wit

and my sexy charm, you know?

It ain't easy bein'
a smart woman these days.

Yeah, I hear ya.

You see, you and me,

we're a couple of filet mignons
in a town of hamburgers.

And see, that's the type of wit
that scares 'em off!

You get it!
Come on, you get it!

Come on! Yeah!

Strong!

Back at ya, professor.
Yeah, you stay strong too.

Garage sale
was a bit of a bust.

So I'm taking it on the road.

Father Joe is totally gonna
want to buy this Bible

that my dad stole from a motel
when he was in Cincinnati.

♪

Worst party ever.

♪

All right. Nice work, Mandy.
That's right.

Ope!
Don't wanna over-twirl though.

Okay? Use your flourishes
to accentuate, not dominate.

Really important.

What the [bleep]?

Yeah.

There's still a spark
between me and Dylan.

I guess you could say that kiss
we shared in grade school

was more powerful than either
of us dares to admit.

I've been told my kisses
are electric.

You won't believe
what I was last Halloween.

What the hell?

Oh, Kelly.

We don't use that kind of
language in the Lord's house.

You let Nadine
start a dance class?

- In the community room?
- Yes. She asked me

if she could, and I said that I
thought that was a great idea.

I asked you two months ago

if I could start
a fight club in there,

and you said no.
How's that fair?

Kelly, there's a lot
of seniors in our church,

and I think that dance is good
for their body and their soul.

Much more so than fighting.

I just can't believe
you would take my dream

of starting a dance school
and give it away to Nadine,

like it's a piece
of crappy Halloween candy.

I literally had no idea

you wanted to start
a dance studio.

I've never seen you dance.

I don't think I've ever
even seen you run.

Well then, watch this.

Kelly! Hey!

Would you like
to join my dance class?

I know you don't have
any money,

but I'd be more than happy
to waive the $10 fee.

- No big.
- No, Nadine.

I do not wish to join
your very stupid dance class.

Okay? Because I already know
how to dance and really well.

And don't act like
you don't know that.

When I was a kid,
I was a ballerina.

I actually had mad skills.

My teacher used
to call me a trooper

because I was
so light on my feet.

Like when
the parachute troopers

are floating down
from the airplanes?

Then Nadine got jealous
and screwed me over.

Basically,
Nadine was the best in class

and always got
the lead solo dance.

And Kelly was always
put in the back row.

Nadine was so good,
she got a standing ovation

on the night of the recital.

And so Kelly tried to top her,

which did not go as planned.

After that, I realized
that ballet's dumb.

So I decided to dedicate myself
to the only type of dancing

that really matters: hip-hop.

Hey, quit push--
Ricky, quit pushing.

There's enough for everyone.

Oh, my God, the treasures
are in the ground.

They're not going anywhere.
Scooch it.

Give me the money.
Please move.

- Dude, you made more maps?
- What are you talking about?

No, I found more.

Got it.
Nice, okay.

Well, I'm starting
a hip-hop dance school,

and I need your help.

Sorry, but I have
a rather thriving business

going on right now.

Why, how much have you made?
Uh, $120 so far.

So yeah, I might just buy

those shoes for myself,
if you don't mind,

seeing as you haven't
exactly been contributing.

How do you know I'm not gonna
make enough money too?

Uh, I don't know.

'Cause a dance school's
a dumb idea?

You're a dumb idea.

Hey!

Mature.

You can have that one. Eddie!

No browsing.
You read it, you buy it.

This is how I start my day.

Let's go take a look
at my babies.

What the fruit?

You spelled "fresh" wrong.

It's old school spelling.

Heard of it?

Why are you here anyways?

Begging your way back
into my school?

No, I just wanted to see
if you were gonna do it.

I still think it's a dumb idea.

Oh, and by the way, um,
I actually made $160.

So yeah, I'm about
to go buy those shoes.

And then probably, like,
a thousand slushies, so...

Fine. Why don't you go
make out with Nadine

while you're at it,
you little traitor?

Beth? W-what's up?

I'm here for the hip-hop class.

- Really?
- Yeah, I love dancing.

Well, well, well.

I'm really excited to have you
be part of my school.

Well, we are happy to have you
be part of our school.

- So let's get our hip-hop on.
- Oh, yeah!

Throw your hands up
in the air!

Mickey, why are you here?

Beth told me about the class.

And since I'm always
trying to improve myself,

I thought I'd stop by.

Truth be told,

I was looking to spend
some more time with Beth.

And I know Shrub's
in love with her.

And Shrub is my bro.
So bro code, but still.

Beth is so hot.

Hey, look who I ran into
on my way over here.

June? You like hip-hop?

I'm always interested in ways
to make my hip replacement hop.

That's a corker, June!

Okay, well,
I just need $10 from everyone,

and then we can get started.

Hey, Big Mandy.
Are you here to join the class?

No, I'm just watching.

I'm afraid that even

if you're just watching,
you have to pay.

Oh, uh, let's just say
you're auditing the class.

Yeah, you do that. Yeah.

I'm on my lunch break.

I usually watch something funny
when I eat

because I read in this
alternative medicine blog

it creates enzymes which helps
aid in my digestion.

Now, I usually watch
The Simpsons

when I eat my meals,

but when I heard
about this class...

I knew it was
gonna be hilarious.

I'm about to digest
like a

Okay, guys.
Let's get started.

First, we're gonna start with
this thing called the K-Kell,

an original.

♪

Okay.

You know, that one actually
is pretty advanced stuff.

That took me five years
to actually nail down.

Maybe I shouldn't start
day one with that.

So what we're gonna do is,
we're gonna do something

a little bit easier
but just as cool.

Okay? Let's get with it.

♪

Oh, stop!

Please, stop.
You're makin' me pee my pants!

Um, okay. Yup.

I can tell you guys
are still really excited.

Me, too.
Now this one's gonna be

a little bit more basic
just to get us warmed up, okay?

'Cause soon you'll be able
to look like that.

♪

All right,
everyone with me now!

Hey, look at me!
I'm hip-hopping.

Go, June, go.

Turn around now, big move.

Good.

I don't think this is hip-hop.

Of course it is, Beth.

Listen to the music.
Keep it up!

All right. I'm done.

Thank God I didn't have
a bigger sandwich.

- I'm kinda bored.
- It is a tad repetitious.

Not to criticize.

Oh, I don't know.

I'm having fun.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Look, you just--you know,
you get bigger with it.

Yeah, look. Ooh.

You gotta get jiggy with it,
before you can get--oh, ow!

Ooh, ooh, are you okay?
Yeah, my ankle.

Use your phone.
Call someone.

I don't have a phone.
I don't have pockets.

Should she stretch it
that much?

This is like the dance recital
all over again.

Nadine probably dug that hole
just to sabotage me.

She's probably gonna buy
those sneakers too.

Hey! Are you the jackass
who ripped off

my little brothers
with a fake treasure map?

Um, I sold them
a quality product,

- if that's what you mean.
- You told them this was real.

Yeah, that was for
entertainment purposes only.

Well, my brother
says you told him

it definitely leads
to treasure, guaranteed.

Okay, well that sounds
taken out of context.

You'd better give those kids
their money back now

or I'm gonna do
ten times worse to you

than I did in high school,
Jack Sparrow.

Call you later, bro.

Take it. I don't even care.

They were for
entertainment purposes only!

God!

My zinnias are destroyed.

I'm getting angry calls
from people all over town

about kids digging up holes.

And poor Cheryl, she's the one
with the sprained ankle.

And it turns out it's all
because of you two.

Well, why is everyone
calling you about it?

You're not the police.
I have no idea.

It's incredibly annoying.
And it makes zero sense to me.

Yeah, well,
you should be more forceful

in making them realize
you're not law enforcement.

Yeah.
I've tried. Okay?

But for some reason,

they all see me
as some sort of father fig--

this isn't about me!
Okay?

Stop changing the subject!

Well, you'll be happy to know
that I'm broke now.

So justice has been served.

Yeah, and I was just trying
to be an "entre-manure"

like you're always
telling me I should be.

Look, your hearts
are in the right place.

I know that.

But Kelly, your dance class

shouldn't be a competition
with Nadine.

Dance is one of the most
sacred forms of personal

and spiritual expression.

If you want to share
your passion with the world,

you have to make sure
that your motives are pure

and you teach from your heart.

Why do you cut your hair
so short?

It makes you look
like a farmer.

I know you heard me.

Hey, look.
I'm gonna show you what I mean.

- Oh, no!
- Now, most people,

they know me
as good old Father Joe.

Because that's
who I choose to show them.

But if I wanted to show them
the true expression,

who I really am,

I would do...this.

This is just me,

Joseph Alan Binghoffer.

I'm just gonna honor God

by showing off
some of the most killer moves

Flatch has ever seen before.

Well, as you know,
I did quite a lot of dancing

when I was in A-Men,
a spiritual boy band.

We were huge in Germany.

And it really connected
my physical with my spiritual.

♪

♪ Can't miss our destination

♪

Father Joe is right.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I need to invent
some better moves

that are, like,
just about me, you know?

♪ Up the line

All right,
let's see those moves.

What the [bleep]?

No, wait,
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly--

No, no, no, no!

What the hell, Nadine?
Hip-hop?

And et tu, Mandy? Et tu?

Kelly, come on.
Look at what you've inspired.

Inspired? You stole my idea.

I thought
your dance school folded

after today's debacle--
no offense.

Um, offense.

My school's just about
to take off.

Oh, well, that's great.

Good for you, Kelly.
Oh, my gosh.

Hey. Do you want to sit in
on my class

and I can show you
some better moves you can use?

Better moves?

- You could show me?
- Yeah.

Yeah, if you'd like,
so no one gets hurt.

What I'd like is to see you

with those weak-ass moves
out in the streets,

looking like a straight chump!

Okay, Kelly.

I know you're upset about
your latest disappointment,

but there's really no need
to take it out on me, okay?

Plus, you're the one
who stole my idea

for a dance class
in the first place.

Nadine, it was
a bit aggressive for you

to take Kelly's hip-hop idea
on the same day she did.

Really, Dylan? Was it?
Thank you so much,

but you actually know
nothing about any of this.

You can't even walk
across the room

without tripping
all over yourself.

So please don't tell me
how to run my dance school.

Hey, do not be mean to him.
That's where I--

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Everybody shut up!

Okay, the way I see it,

there is only one way
to settle this.

And I think we all know
what that means.

Dance off!
Guys, come on!

- Oh, hell yeah. Let's do it!
- Fine! Bring it on, sister!

Let me get my sandwich.

♪

♪ I've got the power

♪

♪ I've got the power

♪

Bring it on, bitch!

♪

Don't.

There's really no dance
I can't do well.

I've actively tried, I--
trust me.

And I just can't seem
to do it.

I'll turn off the music,

but my body
just finds the rhythm.

Kelly!

Whoo-hoo! Dance off!

♪

Yeah!

Dude!

- No, no, no, no, no.
- Dylan, Dylan!

Show 'em what you got!
You have this!

You'll embarrass yourself
really bad, Dylan.

No.

♪ I've got the power

Don't catch it.
Dylan!

Oh!

♪

He's really
embarrassing himself!

Oh, the hopscotch!

Oh!
Whoo-hoo! Yeah!

Wow, Dylan!

I have no idea
what happened in there.

I think I blacked out.

Yes!

That was amazing!

Yes! Winner?

- ♪ I've got the power
- Winner? Winner?

Winner? Whoo! I won!

No, you didn't.
That wasn't a vote.

You just yelled
"winner" a bunch.

Nadine,

you need to realize that dance
shouldn't be a contest.

- Oh.
- Okay?

It is the most scared form

of impressions and spirits.
Okay?

So if you want
to teach your fashion,

your heart needs
to be motivated.

I hereby declare
dance schools dumb!

Mic drop.

Hey, hello?

What the hell, Dylan?

Listen, if you ever break up,

give me a call.

Either one of you.

Oh.

You're pretty.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

All around the world.

Pew-pew-pew-pew-pew!

Hey, Kelly. Kelly.

You crushed it!

Oh, hey, what do you think?

I needed some new sneaks
and these looked fun.

I paid 100 bucks for 'em.

That's the most I've ever paid
for a pair of shoes.

They're pretty cool, huh?

No!

I thought they were pretty fly!

Whoa!

Ooh, oh! Are you all right?

Ah, I should have told you
about that hole.

There's a lot of them
around here.

I've always had
really weak ankles.

When I was eight,
I had to quit the soccer team

because...

Oh, I'm sorry.

Ooh!

Who at this hour?

What are you doing here, Joe?

Oh! Hey!
I-I'm sorry to interrupt you.

Um, just thought
I'd bring you some food.

Oh, those are pretty flowers.

Who, uh, who sent them to you?

The editor
at the Pockton Gazette.

Oh.

Cheryl, she's an incredibly
smart person.

And I am really...well, not.

I knew she would get bored
with me

and she'd have to break up
with me.

I just didn't want her
to have to go through that,

so...

I think I made the best
decision for both of us.

Well, you know,
here's your food.

It's hummus, your favorite.

Thanks for bringing me food.
That's very sweet of you.

You can eat hummus,
but you can't eat flowers.

I'll bet the editor

from the Pockton Gazette
didn't know that.

Well...

some flowers
are edible, you know?

You are so smart.

Um...

- Thanks for coming by, Joe.
- I'll see you around, Cheryl.

Yup.