Welcome to Flatch (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Jesus Take The Wheel - full transcript

Watch this.

You wanna maybe go...?

Oh, wait, let me think.
Uh, how about--

no thanks, Fargas.

Falls for it every time.

Hey, Shrub and Kelly.

Beth.

Wow, look at you two together.

We're buying decorations
for Beth's birthday party

tomorrow.
It's a royal family theme.

Pip-pip.



Oh.

Happy birthday.

It's not today.

I don't think.

Beth's parents full-on think
the government's out

to get them, okay?
So they, like,

don't pay their taxes
and they hoard soup

and all their kids were, like,
born in their barn

with no birth certificate.

Also, she was, like, homeschooled,

so she, like, knows things
like how to use a crossbow

and the history
of the royal family.

And, like, didn't know who
Oprah was until two years ago.

Well, like, ha--happy birthday
whenever it is.



Invite Shrub to your party,
Beth, this is pathetic.

Oh, I didn't think
you'd wanna come.

It's mostly just girls
and Mickey.

I really actually don't even
know if I'm free, so...

- He's free.
- Shut up.

Well, it's from 2:00 to 4:00

and everyone's gonna wear a hat

because royals always wear hats
at parties.

You're gonna take turns reading
from "Harry Potter"?

Who's Harry Potter?

Okay?

No, no way.

Why? It's a party and a hat
in one.

You can put a bunch
of ginger ale right here,

bag of pop rocks here.
Boom, party of one, mind blown.

No, I need like a crown
or something.

Like something better
than whatever freaking sad hat

Mickey's gonna wear
to this party.

Also, I need to get Beth
a super dope gift.

Well, you can't get her
a decent education,

'cause, yeah,
that ship has sailed.

Oh, there's a craft store
in Dayton.

I have to go there.

What's the name
of that taxi guy?

- Dick?
- Yes.

He shut down.
He had a suspended license

and a stolen car.

- Why don't you have a car?
- Why don't you have a car?

So Shrub doesn't even
have his license.

He's failed the test
like three times.

The last time
he took the test,

uh, he ran over
this huge squirrel

and it, like,
totally scarred him.

And the testing guy.

Oh, my God.

- That's brilliant.
- Ow!

So you'd like to start
a taxi service?

High end rideshare company.

Father, what you don't
understand about me

is that I come from a long line
of business tycoons.

My dad has
his Christmas tree farm,

his corn maze,
and his mom

ran a super successful
black market

cigarette ring in prison.

It's in my blood.

I'm like an idiot savant,
but with business ideas.

Like, here, give me an item
in this room.

Um, this stapler.

Mm...

Pass.
Give me another.

This paperweight.

- Pass, another one.
- Why don't you just...

tell me about your idea?

Okay, thank you.
So, Flatch's lack

of transportation options

is a need that is waiting
to be exploited, by me.

All that's missing is a vehicle
to exploit with.

And you know no one else
with a car?

Shrub's nan has a car, but
a stray cat gave birth in it

last week,
and so it's out of commish

until we get a wet vac.

I'm just--I'm not sure
I'm comfortable

lending you my car, Kelly.

All right, I guess I have to go
back to selling my body

- once again.
- You were a prostitute?

Negatory.

Medical center paid me to try
out their blood pressure cuffs.

Okay, fine, you can use my car
for two hours a day,

but no food inside,
no going over 40,

and if I need it, you have
to bring it right back.

And you'll pay me for that?

I will not.

Hey, Nadine, do you know
if the copier's broken?

Um, do I look
like a copier technician?

Oh, I don't know
what one looks like.

Okay, well, it's not me, Cheryl.

Oh, gosh, with the lack
of stories to report on

in Flatch,
I guess this broken copier

is just gonna be my lead, huh?

Okay, well, I'm sorry.

I'm in a historical society
crisis right now.

Someone stole
the "Welcome to Flatch" sign.

Oh, well, do tell.

Okay, well,
it happens every year

during "Pockton days."

Someone from Pockton
comes over,

they steal the town's sign,

and I bet they think
they're so funny,

but you know what's not funny?

No.

Going to prison for stealing
federal property.

I think we have a crime.

The Pockton rivalry,
it's been going on

for centuries, ever
since Colonel Robert Flatch

fought in the area in the 1800s
and then sold Pockton

for a few apple seeds
and an orphan.

Then he settled in Flatch.

They're just very jealous.

Huh, so you're starting
a cab company, huh?

It's not a cab.
A rideshare experience.

Oh, don't those
usually use apps?

Like I know anyone
who could make an app.

I could, but no biggie.
Next time.

Ooh, I got to get
to the Post Office

to pick up my custom hat
that just arrived from Etsy.

Seriously?

Why does everyone care
about a party

for the most boring girl
in the world?

Beth is a complicated
and fascinating creature.

I knew it.
You are into her.

No need for worry, my bro.
We're just friends.

Did I let her give me
a gel pedicure?

Yes, I did.

I am utterly smitten with Beth.

It was Mickey's idea to do
the hats and the pedicure.

I always wanted
a gay best friend.

Very exciting day.
First day of Kuber.

Okay, remember,
Beth's party starts at 2:00

and I need a present
and my art supplies

so I can make this sick hat.

I call it King Trucker.

Relax, I'll get you to Dayton.

Man, it almost feels
like you like Beth

more than your own cousin.

First official ride call.

Less drawing,
more customer service, okay?

I need you on the switchboard.

- Welcome to Kuber.
- Welcome to Kuber.

Hi.

Oh, I am so glad
that you guys are here.

Where to, miss?

Pockton, please.

Why the hell would you ever
wanna go to that hell hole?

They're our sworn
mortal enemies.

- Yeah.
- Oh, come on.

- This is so silly.
- Yeah?

How about tell that
to our uncle Nugget, okay?

Last time he crossed town lines
just to borrow a lawnmower

he came back missing
two fingers.

Yeah, and his pants.

To be fair, he didn't have
pants on when he left,

but that's not the point.

Oh, you want gum?
Cheese cube? Water?

Oh, no thanks.

You sure?

I--I can waterfall you
from here.

I got perfect aim.
Check it.

I haven't been in this car
in a long time.

Oh, yeah, bet you
and Father Joe

had a lot of, uh, adventures
in that backseat, huh?

Stop, that's offensive.

Please do not let that affect
your Yelp review.

Okay, here we are.

What? Where's the town?

It's like a half a mile
that way.

This is as far as I'll go.

Too many enemies across
the line, okay?

Oh, for heaven's sake.

That'll be $20, minus your $1
first rider discount.

Also, I have no change.

Already headed
to our second call.

Minus snacks,
we're up 10 bucks.

That's what you call a success.

Okay, reminder, the party
starts in two hours.

I'm sorry, are you not enjoying
that blueberry frozen drink

purchased with my earnings?
Perhaps you wanna speak to HR?

Shut up, you are not
the boss of me.

So, Big Mandy,
how's your day been going?

I prefer not to talk
to drivers.

Understood.
Customer's always right.

Here.
Put this in.

Let's go, girls.

Yeah, turn this up!

♪ I'm going out tonight

♪ I'm feeling all right

♪ I'm gonna let it
all hang out ♪

People know
I'm a winner.

Arm wrestling,
karaoke contests,

making fruit preserves
at the competitive level.

I know I'm

They know I'm

I know they know I'm

And that can be intimidating.

But, see, they don't know
everything about me.

They don't know how I bawl
at baby panda videos,

or how I read to the old folks
at the library on Tuesdays.

But just the romantic [bleep],
'cause that's my jam.

I'm super emotional.

Especially when you cross me.

And then I get super emotional
all over your sorry ass.

Why, hello there.

What can I do you for?

I am doing
an investigative piece

about the missing Flatch sign.

Oh, hold up, you're, um--

you're the new editor
of The Flatch Patriot, right?

I am.
Um, Cheryl Peterson.

Jimmy Jameson.
Publisher, Pockton Gazette.

Oh, well, so nice to meet
a fellow news hound.

Mm-hmm, so you're saying
your sign, it went missing?

Oh, I know, it sounds so silly.

I mean, a rivalry between
two small towns? Why?

Right?
Well, I doubt it was stolen.

It's probably just some Flatch
kids getting into trouble,

per usual.

Actually, my sources say that
it happens every single year,

and it is someone in Pockton.

If someone from Pockton,
theoretically, stole your sign,

I'd say you need to look far
and wide...

mm-hmm...

in, but outside, to find it.

Is that a riddle?

Is it?

Okay.

Yeah, I see what you're doing.

- Yeah.
- You are playing

right into this rivalry, huh?

Why would I bother competing
against a sad rag

with a circulation of 508

when I've won
Best Regional Weekly...

four years in a row now?

Okey dokey, thank you
so much for your help.

Mm-hmm, any time, Cheryl.

I'm actually at 534 now.

You got to get
your facts straight.

It's a newspaper.

All righty, ma'am.
That will be $15.

I'm gonna do you a solid
and pay you in a tattoo.

I'm doing an intro pricing
at $50 a pop.

- Ah, I prefer cash.
- Yeah.

I'm running a small business here.

Yeah, same here. I just paid
my tattoo kit off in full.

Come on in, pick a design.

- Yeah, no thanks.
- Yeah, we're, um,

on a schedule right now, so...

Yeah, well, some--
let's do it another time?

Yeah.

You don't think
I'd be any good at it?

- I don't--are you se--?
- No.

- I bet you're so good at it.
- I bet you're really good.

All right, come on, let's go.

Mm.

These are really unique.

I know, right?

Why don't you just, uh,

pick that rose?

Hmm?

No, that's, uh...

that's Zayn Malik
from One Direction.

My tattoo art
is heavily influenced

by Keith Haring, Basquiat,

and that little elephant
they taught to paint.

With a little brush.

- You like The Rock?
- Yeah.

I got a design of him riding
Jimmy Fallon like a bull.

We can do that.

Yeah, sure, that one
would definitely take

like a really long time, though,

- so maybe something smaller?
- Yeah, we don't really have--

- Yeah.
- No, no, no, ten minutes, tops.

As a female running
a small business,

I've, like, an obligation
to support

other female-run
small businesses.

And when a female-run tattoo
removal shop opens,

I'm gonna support them too.

Just drop me off here.

I'll--I'll take the bus
to Dayton.

I'm gonna remember you
abandoning the business

just as it was taking off,
okay?

- Oh.
- No stock options for you.

- Aw.
- You just lost out on billions,

bro.

Billions.
Yeah, well, guess what.

I'm done with you, Jackie Chan.

It's Jackie Chain
from Dragon Lord.

That--those are
teeny little feet,

doing a backflip.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on.

Fargas?

No, Far--Far--Fargas.

Fargas, no!

No! Fargas!
No!

Damn it!

You understand you're gonna
have to start back

in the training program now.

Shut up.

Oh, my God, Kelly.

Look at this cringey music
Father Joe jams to.

A-Men?

It's like some cheesy church

That's him,
with the Bieber hair.

- That's Father Joe!
- Oh, my God.

- Put it in! Put it in!
- Shut up!

Oh, my God, what?

Yes, it's true,
I was in a very successful

spiritual boy band
in the late '90s.

We were huge in Germany.

Yeah, that's me.
♪ Got you in my car

Right there.
♪ Riding in the hood

Lead singer, and I also did
all the choreography.

But of course,
it was the Big Guy

who was the lead,
but you know what I mean?

Yeah, we, uh--we did
a mega church tour.

We were very popular
on the sweet 16 party circuit.

Then I decided to go on my own.

Tiger Beat said
that I was gonna be as big

as Cosmopolitan Yogurt.

It was a yogurt created
by the magazine Cosmopolitan.

Yeah.

Bad miscalculation.

♪ Heaven's our destination

♪ D-W-I,
yeah, up there ♪

Whoo!

Get out.
Farr and Wyde?

"In, but outside."

In, but outside.

Inn.

Come on. Oh.

Farr and Wyde, Inn,
but outside.

Yes!

Okay.

Excuse me.
Oh, watch your head.

Dude, just...
keep her from opening presents

- until I get there, okay?
- Get off the phone!

Ugh, Mickey said they're eating
Yorkshire pudding

and I don't even know what
that is, but the pudding part

means that they're already
at dessert, so thank you.

There's my dad.

No, no, I beg you, please.

- No. God!
- Hi, Dad!

You need a lift?

I'm running
a rideshare company now.

You mean like a taxi?

Uh, upscale chauffeured experience.

Dads ride for free.

Nah, I'm good.

- I got a tattoo.
- What'd you get?

- Jackie Chan.
- Yeah?

From Armor of God ?

Dragon Lord.

Oh, Kell.

Ah, that's an actual person,
wants an actual ride.

Wish I could stay.

You know how it is
running a business.

Um, where are you?

Be safe.

Dude, I cannot believe
you got our sign back.

I know!

I have so much adrenaline
coursing through my body.

- Oh, my.
- I could--I could knit a coat.

- Pockton's gonna be so pissed.
- Oh, my God.

Like, this took the rivalry
to a whole new level.

They could come after us.

That would be awesome.
Group fight!

Um, I don't know about you,

but I think it's time
for some celebratory tunes.

Is this A-Men?

I was the, uh, president,

uh, of the first and...

well, the only A-Men Fan Club.

That's how Joe and I met.

Oh, but, um, I wanna be clear.
Uh, we didn't date back then.

That would've been
a huge conflict of interest.

No, we--we ran into each other
five years later at a car wash.

He did that little thing
that he does with his hip,

you know.

He ran his hands through
his hair and I just...

Goner.

Cheryl.
Are you, uh...

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm gonna get the...

Do you, uh...
Do you need help?

Uh-uh, uh-uh.

No, I got it!
I got it.

Sorry.

Ooh!

Hi, I need my car.

No! No!

Father, just so you know,
your selfish need

to visit a parishioner
has kept me from the woman

that I love.

Oh, I didn't know
you had a girlfriend.

- Yeah, well, I do.
- He doesn't, okay?

He lusts after Beth
and she doesn't know he exists.

- Shut up.
- Well, then you need

to show her that you exist,

take your light from
underneath your bushel.

Yeah.
Wait, is that your--

He doesn't mean your wenis, doofus.

Shut up, I knew that.

So I told Luanne

if she insisted
on growing her ferns

so close to my property line,

it would be her job
to trim them.

- I see.
- And she hasn't.

And don't get me started
on her invasive sumac.

Oh, we won't.

It's like living
in The Jungle Book.

June, I thought you said
this was an emergency.

I wrote her a note
and left it on her door,

and she won't respond.

Let me take care of this.
I'm gonna talk to Luanne.

Thank you, Father.

More ginger snaps?

I got the recipe
from Brenda Haskell.

Guess what
the secret ingredient is.

- Old man thumb.
- Oh, my God, nobody cares

about your ferns
or your cookies

or your gimpy leg

that swells when it rains, June.

Well, you would
if it were your leg.

Also this is mine now.

I--I can't let him go alone.

Yeah, I'm gonna come with you.
Please, please, please.

But, Father, you haven't
guessed the ingredient yet.

Okay, five minutes to spare.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

My bro.

You missed the soiree
of the century.

Hey!

Jackie Chan!

I need another ride.

I can't hear you.
No one's in the car.

I need another ride.

- What's wrong?
- Hey!

Kelly's gonna get
another crappy tattoo.

You got to be kidding me.
Are you serious?

Squirrel!

What is that?

So Kelly had to buy Beth's dad
a new mailbox

and also replace the bumper
on Father Joe's car.

She's working that part off
by mowing the church lawn.

Levi, does that look like
a straight line to you?

Are we gonna need some more
performance reviews, people?

What do people have?
Grass.

What do they need?

Someone to cut it.
What do I have?

Business sense.

Welcome to Mallet's Mowers,
yard and field maintenance.

But we're only open
from 4:00 to 5:00 p. m.

after school.

We don't provide the lawnmower.
That's on the customer.

Also, we shut down
in the summer.

Too hot.

Check it out.

I stole June's cookies
and her napkin

and made this.

No!

No.

Those aren't yours.

No!

God.