Welcome to Flatch (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript
The whole town attends the annual Scarecrow Festival, where cousins and best friends Kelly and Shrub compete in the festival events.
So this is, like, where
the South County bus stops.
Yeah, one time I
saw this kid get off
with a ferret on a leash.
Yeah, and the guy who
drives the bus, Mr. Fargas,
he used to be my soccer coach,
and he said that I wasn't
gonna amount to anything,
that I was ill-behaved,
and that I ran weird.
Yeah, but then soccer and art
got canceled at our school,
and now Fargas is driving a bus,
so, you know, who's
the loser now, Farg?
Here it comes!
Go, go, go, go!
Be cool, be cool,
be cool, be cool.
Ah, yes!
- Yes! Oh, my God!
He's gonna get us!
Run! Take that, Fargas!
Oh, my God!
So Shrub's actually
not just my cousin.
- He's also my best friend.
- Yeah.
Tell 'em why.
Uh, he's the only
person I can share
- a bucket of Munchkins with.
- Bingo.
- Don't take a chocolate.
I'm not.
So I like
the chocolate ones.
I love the butternut ones,
but I hate the cinnamon ones,
and Shrub inhales those.
And, like, it's, like,
not, 'cause I love
the cinnamon ones so much.
I just feel sorry for 'em.
Yeah.
'Cause they're always left.
I like the underdog.
Well, the
church moved me here
about eight months ago
from Minneapolis, yeah.
Bit of a change, you
know. Big responsibility.
But I've really grown
fond of the people here.
- Shrub and Kelly, um...
Look, it's not easy
being a young adult these days.
These kids, they need guidance.
This is my bike!
I'm normally "Reverend,"
but they call me Father Joe.
Sometimes I feel like their dad
proud, concerned.
Father Joe, why don't
you, uh, ?
.
But anyway, they're...
they're making great progress.
And they've gotten a lot
better in their cursing too.
I think this week
we had two s.
I'm sorry.
Are you the crew that's
filming that movie about us?
Ah, man, come on,
all right, okay.
So where... where you staying?
Don't tell me it's Norma's B&B
because I'ma tell you right now,
the Bs stand for "bedbugs,"
and the Norma stands
for "not normal at all."
I don't want you getting
the wrong impression of Flatch.
We are an upstanding town,
and we deserve some
damn attention.
We got two restaurants,
one with menus,
and last year, someone
gave birth to twins.
So now we got young
people all over the place.
The young people are our future.
You know?
Hey, Mandy.
Not them though.
Walking disappointments.
Yes, Flatch does have
some colorful characters,
but, you know, it's
part of its charm.
I'll
miss you, Father!
You guys, we're...
We're filming, here.
The Scarecrow Festival
is pretty much, like,
the biggest and best
day of the year.
People make scarecrows,
they put them up all over town,
and everyone votes
for which one's best.
And you are looking
at the winner.
Like, I have a killer design
and a prime location this year
right on the green.
Like, that guy with that spot
last year won the whole thing,
and his was pretty much, like,
some frickin' used
clothes and twine.
Winner gets a hot
air balloon ride.
Yeah, and you're
on the front page
- of the "Flatch Patriot."
- It's so dumb.
Oh, and you throwing a
frying pan in the air isn't?
"A," the skillet toss
takes real skill.
B, there's a trophy.
Fine, I will take my
nan on the balloon.
I don't care.
She doesn't even like
heights, and you know that.
I'm about to be in
the mile high club
with my grandma while
you're on the ground,
crying like a little baby.
I haven't cried since last
year, and you know that!
Well, a skillet
toss is where you take
a 5-pound pan, bigger
than this one, okay,
and you chuck it as far
as you possibly can.
I think it came from, like,
when the pioneer ladies
would throw things
at their kids.
Wait, or the Indians? I
don't kn... look it up.
You can look it up.
My dad won it seven
years in a row
till he blew his knee out.
Really opened up the field.
My dad and I are super close, so
time to get the gold skillet
back to the Mallet
family where it belongs.
Okay, so, like, most people,
they just, like,
free-form the whole body.
That's, like... that's
amateur if you ask me.
Like, I actually make
sure that my scarecrow
has the correct ratio of
arm length to head span.
Also, real shoes.
This is what we call
a crowd-pleaser.
See, I don't like crowds.
I'm not safe in them.
I have a lot of enemies
just like my dad, right?
That's why I have my
gang to protect me.
Kelly has this
group of seventh-grade kids
she hangs out with,
and this, like,
freakishly big one from fifth.
Okay, all I want is it to look
like it's chairs in a circle
and everything else cleared out.
Does that make sense?
And let's just get better at
knowing my needs a little bit.
So his real
name's actually Lloyd.
Yeah, after my dad.
Yeah, his dad drank
a lot of Busch beer,
so they started
calling him Busch.
Yeah, and so they
started calling me Shrub,
for, like, a little bush.
But, like, he left when
I was a baby, so...
Yeah, but I bet he
still drinks beer.
Yeah.
Hey! Screw you too!
Hey, Big Mandy.
What's goin' on?
You know that blind guy
that lives up the road?
- Blind Billy?
- Just walked right into me.
Almost knocked off
Colin's scare 'fro.
You doin' the
scarecrow contest?
No skillet toss?
Of course I'm doin'
the skillet toss.
Okay.
Big Mandy's a lot.
Who's a lot?
- B... Blind Billy.
Yeah, he is.
- Seriously, such a weirdo.
- So...
Who's a weirdo?
Sh... Shrub.
Yeah, no kiddin'.
Crazy. What?
That's...
Damn right, I am!
She
has good hearing.
This is
one of the things
that I love about Flatch.
They are really into
their festivals.
This guy! This guy's a legend!
Okay, simmer down, guys.
- Legend in the hizz-ouse!
- Bad touch, don't do that.
Tell them about the
time when we drank
all the cherry wine coolers!
Yeah, he had to take us to
get our stomachs pumped!
- Yeah, that wasn't funny.
- Oh, but it was!
- It was very scary.
- He loves golf.
I do. I do enjoy golf.
Yes, and Chris Pine.
He pines for the Pine!
I don't. That's not
- yeah, you do!
- Oh, yes you do!
Kelly, another dollar
in the church box.
- Hi, Joe.
- Cheryl.
Cheryl, legend!
And they used to date.
Oh, uh, I moved here with
Joe when he got the job.
Uh, I was a reporter
at the "Star Tribune."
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, then he dumped
me.
He said he needed space
to focus on the church,
and you can't compete with God.
Yeah, I thought I'd move
back to the city after,
but, I don't know; This
place kind of grew on me,
you know?
And besides, if I
hadn't moved to Flatch,
I never would have
become the editor
of the "Flatch Patriot," which
has a circulation of 535...
And rising.
So it all worked out, you know?
Joe got God, and, uh,
apparently Tinder.
And, um, you know, I
got my own newspaper.
How cool is that?
We're not allowed
to bounce anymore.
It's a long story.
- His fault.
- Yeah.
Hey, that's my dad!
- Dad!
- Ugh.
- Hey.
- How have you been, Dad?
Oh, you know, changing diapers,
busy with the baby.
- Guess what.
- What?
I'm doin' the skillet toss.
Gonna win it back for us.
- Big Mandy's not competing?
- No, she is.
Oh.
Good luck with that, Kel.
Do you wanna hang out
maybe a night coming up?
It's really not a great time.
Yeah, you're babied
up. I get that.
Yeah.
I better get her back.
Jessie'll kick my ass.
She couldn't if she tried.
I'm gonna bring the gold
back to the Mallets, Dad!
That was my dad!
Uh, that is where you
get your voting sheets.
Um, that is the plant stall.
Uh, don't buy anything from him
'cause it will die in a week.
Trust me.
This is Alice.
Uh, she makes her own soap,
but she doesn't bathe,
- so that's what I call irony.
- Yeah.
Oh, this is Len. He's
a weird, mean, old man.
- Oh, yeah?
- Oh, see?
Hey, hey, Beth's back
from "cosmetology" school.
Looks like they didn't teach
her how to fix her own hair.
She's beautiful.
He has a massive crush on Beth.
Dude!
She has the personality
of a diaper wipe.
First semester of
cosmetology school
you learn sanitation procedures.
Next semester we get to
touch real human hair,
but touching real people
with real human hair
isn't until year two.
Problem is there
are, like, no people
in this town to get crushes on.
Uh, Beth is objectively foxy.
Um, also I did Match,
and it put me with her,
and the next-closest
girl was in Indiana.
- That's way too far.
- Way too far.
She's about to be
wicked impressed
with my big win.
Yeah, this is just lazy.
I mean, if you can't be
bothered to make real hands,
you don't deserve to be here.
Simple as that.
Technically not even a scarecrow
because there's no hay in it.
It's just a rag on a stick.
Embarrassing.
I mean, I get it,
but it's not making
me feel anything.
Hey, hey! Scrub, hey!
Mickey and me were
born on the same day
at the same hospital, so
ever since we were babies,
he thinks we're best friends.
Calls me his bro.
No donation
is too big...
Or too small!
Dude, the Fourth of July
is, like, eight months away.
Yeah, and I don't
have any cash on me.
Yeah, also I hate fireworks.
Everyone loves the
Flatch fireworks, my bro.
Oh, okay.
And if you don't have
cash, you can always donate
in cryptocurrency.
Yeah, Mickey, we'll totally
pay you in made-up money.
So sad.
I've been trading Bitcoin
for, like, a year now.
Made $1,000.
Ooh, minus the money I spent
on the bunting for my stall.
Oh, and the 50 I set aside
for Shrub's birthday present.
It's an iguana.
Don't tell my bro.
Do you wanna come over
later and "Fortnite"?
Yeah, no.
We are not friends.
He's just the only
person in town
with a working PlayStation.
- Yes!
- Oh, yeah!
- Oh!
- God.
How are you doing it?
Beep,
beep, boop, bop, bop.
Oh, that's hilarious!
Yeah, that's not a scarecrow.
That is a talking box.
Candy
apples do not compute!
Do not compute.
Who is that? Who is that?
Beep, beep, bop, bop.
Why does the scarecrow
have a robot voice?
Because I am a robot.
Kelly, hey.
Have you considered joining
the Historical Society?
Because, you know, for just $25,
you can preserve
Flatch's great past
and secure its future.
Mm, no, Nadine.
I have not considered
joining the society
- because I'm not 75 years old.
And you don't look it.
Ooh, ooh, be really
careful, really old.
Believe it or not,
in second grade,
Kelly and I were,
like, best friends,
but I guess I kept achieving
and she just never did
achieve anything at all.
I consider Colonel Robert Flatch
to be my personal
mentor 'cause, you know,
he was just 25 when he
founded this town in 1810.
25 years old. It's
such a funny story.
Colonel Flatch gets lost
one night with his regiment,
and he ends up right
here, it turns out,
where they built this latrine.
That one, right there.
Just to think, one whole town
started with one little hole.
It gives me chills
to think about it.
Anyway, it's my
job to protect it
because, at town
events, unfortunately,
people like to use
it as a Porta Potti.
Almost there. Time
for the unveiling.
It's a prime spot,
and I am ready.
Uh, this is my spot.
I'm sorry, Shrub, but
I was given this area.
No, I signed up for that spot
with Mrs. Wicks months ago.
I'm sorry, Shrub. That's
not what the map says.
No, God, Beth has to see me win.
And that's not even a scarecrow.
That is a teddy bear in a hat.
Oh, my God! Even the
crows can see that!
Well, it says here that
you're at Piswall Farm.
There is no way in
hell I'm going there.
Unbelievable.
You know how they, like,
release a McRib in February,
and you get all excited,
and then they just take it
away like it never happened?
Like, that's how
I feel right now
betrayed.
Did you tell people
to come vote for me?
Can you help me look
for my sneaker, please?
Your shoe does not weigh
as much as a skillet.
There's, like, no comparison.
Okay, I told everyone to come,
but everyone's really
into the robot scarecrow.
Oh, my God, there's
no such thing
as a robot scarecrow! There
are no crows in space!
Oh, check it out.
I got a video of it
twerking. It's insane.
Whoa, wow.
That's really awesome!
Are you kidding me?
Father Joe's been working
with Shrub on his anger issues.
He actually, uh, signed him
up for this online class,
but then Shrub sent the teacher
a bunch of middle finger emojis,
so that was that.
Wait.
Levi?
What? Now?
Ugh!
They moved skillet toss time up!
What?
They moved skillet toss time up!
- Why?
- More people signed up.
Oh, my God! No, puddle, ah!
Well, I'm young at
heart, you know?
How old are you?
June, who just signed up?
It was I.
Oh, my God.
I thought it was someone
who could actually beat me.
Oh, Nadine beats Kelly
at, like, everything.
In second grade, it
was Little Miss Flatch.
In fourth grade, she won
the pie eating contest
against Kelly.
And then eighth grade,
Kelly asked Dylan Parney
to the school dance,
and then he married Nadine.
Okay, Kelly, Maybe
if you had a job,
winning a little contest
wouldn't matter so much.
I have a job. I'm an influencer.
Heard of it?
Oh, that's great. Who
are you influencing?
Uh, Levi, Nathan S,
Nathan G for starters.
Oh, the little kids.
Hey, somebody's ready
for their lunch.
Okay, well,
I left you a Lean Cuisine
on the counter, Dylan.
I told you that.
- I meant the baby.
- Oh.
Hey, Kelly. Good luck today.
Good luck to you too. Thank you.
Okay, give me Chantal.
Dylan, careful.
Is she going to
breastfeed in the latrine?
Last night she did it
on the StairMaster.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Take as many potatoes
as you want, son.
Uh, whoa, you fill
out your voting form?
Let me see. Shrub
Mallet, first place.
All: Oh!
Get out of my field!
Pass your ballots!
You gave away
Mr. Piswall's potatoes?
No, people went
in and took them!
And he sold my pig for 50 bucks!
No, I... Lester gave me money,
and then the pig
followed him to his car.
Shrub, I... I'm
going to need you
to apologize to Mr. Piswall.
Why don't you apologize to me?
Because you're the one who gave
me the wrong, crappy location.
- Are you calling my farm crap?
- I am!
I run a pristine
venture out there!
Mm.
And you and your friends go
in there and muck it all up.
Look at this,
Father. Look at this.
This was right in the
middle of my field.
Oh, right, well, I have
no idea whose that is.
Yes!
Shrub, apologize now.
I'm sorry.
- happy now?
- Oh, that's it!
You're disqualified.
God, you should be thanking me
for getting rid of that pig!
It pooped everywhere.
- Don't forget my 50 bucks.
Diarrhea farm!
He means well.
You were totally robbed.
It's just I spent three
months making this.
I spent all my money
on orchard grass
- so my hay wouldn't get mites.
- I know.
It's just like...
Beth. H-how's school?
- Sanitary.
Oh.
Hey, bro, let me
help you with that!
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Are you kidding me, Mickey?
- What?
- God!
See you tonight!
Party at my place!
Yeah, I'm not coming over!
Hey, those potatoes had worms.
Screw you. They were free!
This whole town
has it out for me!
See?
Mallets have enemies everywhere.
Five minutes
till the skillet toss!
Okay, I'm gonna
show them. Let's go!
Hey, hey, put on
your other shoe!
Copy that!
Hey, June, have you
seen Shrub anywhere?
I'm afraid I haven't.
Is something wrong?
Yeah, there was a mix-up.
I ran into Mrs. Wicks,
and it turns out
she had given Shrub
your location.
She wrote it on the back
of her pill prescription,
and then she forgot
to take her pills.
Oh, dear, not again.
Let me go ask Bessie.
Joe, can you please change
your Tinder profile pic
from the one I took of you?
That is just cruel.
You're on Tinder?
Yes, Joe, I am single now too.
Wait, were you the
picture of the Siamese cat
in the overalls that
swiped right on me?
Mm-mm.
Okay, let's give it
up for Mandy Matthews.
Go, Mandy!
There's three
things that get me focused:
A spicy meat stick,
my man Garth Brooks, here,
and the third thing
is proprietary.
All: Ooh!
That was a big one!
Looks like that is 32 feet.
- And 2 inches.
- 2 inches.
Good job, Mandy, okay.
And now we have Kelly Mallet.
Raise it up! Raise it up!
Oh, geez!
Get EMS, EMS!
Is he dead?
Yeah, so the
guy Kelly kneecapped,
like, best friends with her dad.
Like, they started a
construction company together.
This is, like, bad
optics, as they say.
- Yes!
Yeah, Nadine won.
Yeah, but, like, no
one saw, so, like, whatever.
Hardly counts.
Skillet toss winner
goes to Nadine Parney!
Okay, excuse me. Thank you.
- I have a speech.
No.
Thank you.
Quite a throw, Kel.
I didn't mean to take out Matt.
Hell, don't apologize
to me. Did me a favor.
Guy tried to feel up Jessie
at the Reef last week.
If you hadn't clocked
him, I would've.
- Yeah?
- You got a good arm, kid.
First place...
- I got it from you.
For the
scarecrow award...
Yeah, you did.
- But your aim's for .
Goes to
the robot scarecrow.
See you, Pops.
Well
deserved. Great job.
Great job. Okay, okay.
No showboating. No showboating.
Okay, go to the side.
Now, I just want to give out
a special award to someone
whose creativity was head
and shoulders above the rest.
Has anyone seen Shrub Mallet?
Shrub, you out there?
Oh, my
God! Oh, my God!
Whew!
Someone call the
fire department!
Not helping, June.
Someone call the
fire department!
Oh, wow. Oh, geez.
People, focus!
- Everybody, stay calm.
- This is not part of it!
Stop cheering!
- Stop cheering!
Somebody could die! Focus!
Okay, it's pretty great.
So they actually
ended up selling like a bunch
of fireworks for Fourth
of July after that.
I mean, it was a
pretty impressive show.
Hot off the presses.
Read it and weep.
Beth is gonna want
me so bad now.
"Local Man Fires Up
Festival." Okay, look at you!
I mean, it's not the
front page, but...
Police blotter's
always third page.
You'll get front soon.
Yeah.
Where's Nadine's win?
Uh, page five
under "home care
aides available."
Winners!
Winners.
the South County bus stops.
Yeah, one time I
saw this kid get off
with a ferret on a leash.
Yeah, and the guy who
drives the bus, Mr. Fargas,
he used to be my soccer coach,
and he said that I wasn't
gonna amount to anything,
that I was ill-behaved,
and that I ran weird.
Yeah, but then soccer and art
got canceled at our school,
and now Fargas is driving a bus,
so, you know, who's
the loser now, Farg?
Here it comes!
Go, go, go, go!
Be cool, be cool,
be cool, be cool.
Ah, yes!
- Yes! Oh, my God!
He's gonna get us!
Run! Take that, Fargas!
Oh, my God!
So Shrub's actually
not just my cousin.
- He's also my best friend.
- Yeah.
Tell 'em why.
Uh, he's the only
person I can share
- a bucket of Munchkins with.
- Bingo.
- Don't take a chocolate.
I'm not.
So I like
the chocolate ones.
I love the butternut ones,
but I hate the cinnamon ones,
and Shrub inhales those.
And, like, it's, like,
not, 'cause I love
the cinnamon ones so much.
I just feel sorry for 'em.
Yeah.
'Cause they're always left.
I like the underdog.
Well, the
church moved me here
about eight months ago
from Minneapolis, yeah.
Bit of a change, you
know. Big responsibility.
But I've really grown
fond of the people here.
- Shrub and Kelly, um...
Look, it's not easy
being a young adult these days.
These kids, they need guidance.
This is my bike!
I'm normally "Reverend,"
but they call me Father Joe.
Sometimes I feel like their dad
proud, concerned.
Father Joe, why don't
you, uh, ?
.
But anyway, they're...
they're making great progress.
And they've gotten a lot
better in their cursing too.
I think this week
we had two s.
I'm sorry.
Are you the crew that's
filming that movie about us?
Ah, man, come on,
all right, okay.
So where... where you staying?
Don't tell me it's Norma's B&B
because I'ma tell you right now,
the Bs stand for "bedbugs,"
and the Norma stands
for "not normal at all."
I don't want you getting
the wrong impression of Flatch.
We are an upstanding town,
and we deserve some
damn attention.
We got two restaurants,
one with menus,
and last year, someone
gave birth to twins.
So now we got young
people all over the place.
The young people are our future.
You know?
Hey, Mandy.
Not them though.
Walking disappointments.
Yes, Flatch does have
some colorful characters,
but, you know, it's
part of its charm.
I'll
miss you, Father!
You guys, we're...
We're filming, here.
The Scarecrow Festival
is pretty much, like,
the biggest and best
day of the year.
People make scarecrows,
they put them up all over town,
and everyone votes
for which one's best.
And you are looking
at the winner.
Like, I have a killer design
and a prime location this year
right on the green.
Like, that guy with that spot
last year won the whole thing,
and his was pretty much, like,
some frickin' used
clothes and twine.
Winner gets a hot
air balloon ride.
Yeah, and you're
on the front page
- of the "Flatch Patriot."
- It's so dumb.
Oh, and you throwing a
frying pan in the air isn't?
"A," the skillet toss
takes real skill.
B, there's a trophy.
Fine, I will take my
nan on the balloon.
I don't care.
She doesn't even like
heights, and you know that.
I'm about to be in
the mile high club
with my grandma while
you're on the ground,
crying like a little baby.
I haven't cried since last
year, and you know that!
Well, a skillet
toss is where you take
a 5-pound pan, bigger
than this one, okay,
and you chuck it as far
as you possibly can.
I think it came from, like,
when the pioneer ladies
would throw things
at their kids.
Wait, or the Indians? I
don't kn... look it up.
You can look it up.
My dad won it seven
years in a row
till he blew his knee out.
Really opened up the field.
My dad and I are super close, so
time to get the gold skillet
back to the Mallet
family where it belongs.
Okay, so, like, most people,
they just, like,
free-form the whole body.
That's, like... that's
amateur if you ask me.
Like, I actually make
sure that my scarecrow
has the correct ratio of
arm length to head span.
Also, real shoes.
This is what we call
a crowd-pleaser.
See, I don't like crowds.
I'm not safe in them.
I have a lot of enemies
just like my dad, right?
That's why I have my
gang to protect me.
Kelly has this
group of seventh-grade kids
she hangs out with,
and this, like,
freakishly big one from fifth.
Okay, all I want is it to look
like it's chairs in a circle
and everything else cleared out.
Does that make sense?
And let's just get better at
knowing my needs a little bit.
So his real
name's actually Lloyd.
Yeah, after my dad.
Yeah, his dad drank
a lot of Busch beer,
so they started
calling him Busch.
Yeah, and so they
started calling me Shrub,
for, like, a little bush.
But, like, he left when
I was a baby, so...
Yeah, but I bet he
still drinks beer.
Yeah.
Hey! Screw you too!
Hey, Big Mandy.
What's goin' on?
You know that blind guy
that lives up the road?
- Blind Billy?
- Just walked right into me.
Almost knocked off
Colin's scare 'fro.
You doin' the
scarecrow contest?
No skillet toss?
Of course I'm doin'
the skillet toss.
Okay.
Big Mandy's a lot.
Who's a lot?
- B... Blind Billy.
Yeah, he is.
- Seriously, such a weirdo.
- So...
Who's a weirdo?
Sh... Shrub.
Yeah, no kiddin'.
Crazy. What?
That's...
Damn right, I am!
She
has good hearing.
This is
one of the things
that I love about Flatch.
They are really into
their festivals.
This guy! This guy's a legend!
Okay, simmer down, guys.
- Legend in the hizz-ouse!
- Bad touch, don't do that.
Tell them about the
time when we drank
all the cherry wine coolers!
Yeah, he had to take us to
get our stomachs pumped!
- Yeah, that wasn't funny.
- Oh, but it was!
- It was very scary.
- He loves golf.
I do. I do enjoy golf.
Yes, and Chris Pine.
He pines for the Pine!
I don't. That's not
- yeah, you do!
- Oh, yes you do!
Kelly, another dollar
in the church box.
- Hi, Joe.
- Cheryl.
Cheryl, legend!
And they used to date.
Oh, uh, I moved here with
Joe when he got the job.
Uh, I was a reporter
at the "Star Tribune."
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, then he dumped
me.
He said he needed space
to focus on the church,
and you can't compete with God.
Yeah, I thought I'd move
back to the city after,
but, I don't know; This
place kind of grew on me,
you know?
And besides, if I
hadn't moved to Flatch,
I never would have
become the editor
of the "Flatch Patriot," which
has a circulation of 535...
And rising.
So it all worked out, you know?
Joe got God, and, uh,
apparently Tinder.
And, um, you know, I
got my own newspaper.
How cool is that?
We're not allowed
to bounce anymore.
It's a long story.
- His fault.
- Yeah.
Hey, that's my dad!
- Dad!
- Ugh.
- Hey.
- How have you been, Dad?
Oh, you know, changing diapers,
busy with the baby.
- Guess what.
- What?
I'm doin' the skillet toss.
Gonna win it back for us.
- Big Mandy's not competing?
- No, she is.
Oh.
Good luck with that, Kel.
Do you wanna hang out
maybe a night coming up?
It's really not a great time.
Yeah, you're babied
up. I get that.
Yeah.
I better get her back.
Jessie'll kick my ass.
She couldn't if she tried.
I'm gonna bring the gold
back to the Mallets, Dad!
That was my dad!
Uh, that is where you
get your voting sheets.
Um, that is the plant stall.
Uh, don't buy anything from him
'cause it will die in a week.
Trust me.
This is Alice.
Uh, she makes her own soap,
but she doesn't bathe,
- so that's what I call irony.
- Yeah.
Oh, this is Len. He's
a weird, mean, old man.
- Oh, yeah?
- Oh, see?
Hey, hey, Beth's back
from "cosmetology" school.
Looks like they didn't teach
her how to fix her own hair.
She's beautiful.
He has a massive crush on Beth.
Dude!
She has the personality
of a diaper wipe.
First semester of
cosmetology school
you learn sanitation procedures.
Next semester we get to
touch real human hair,
but touching real people
with real human hair
isn't until year two.
Problem is there
are, like, no people
in this town to get crushes on.
Uh, Beth is objectively foxy.
Um, also I did Match,
and it put me with her,
and the next-closest
girl was in Indiana.
- That's way too far.
- Way too far.
She's about to be
wicked impressed
with my big win.
Yeah, this is just lazy.
I mean, if you can't be
bothered to make real hands,
you don't deserve to be here.
Simple as that.
Technically not even a scarecrow
because there's no hay in it.
It's just a rag on a stick.
Embarrassing.
I mean, I get it,
but it's not making
me feel anything.
Hey, hey! Scrub, hey!
Mickey and me were
born on the same day
at the same hospital, so
ever since we were babies,
he thinks we're best friends.
Calls me his bro.
No donation
is too big...
Or too small!
Dude, the Fourth of July
is, like, eight months away.
Yeah, and I don't
have any cash on me.
Yeah, also I hate fireworks.
Everyone loves the
Flatch fireworks, my bro.
Oh, okay.
And if you don't have
cash, you can always donate
in cryptocurrency.
Yeah, Mickey, we'll totally
pay you in made-up money.
So sad.
I've been trading Bitcoin
for, like, a year now.
Made $1,000.
Ooh, minus the money I spent
on the bunting for my stall.
Oh, and the 50 I set aside
for Shrub's birthday present.
It's an iguana.
Don't tell my bro.
Do you wanna come over
later and "Fortnite"?
Yeah, no.
We are not friends.
He's just the only
person in town
with a working PlayStation.
- Yes!
- Oh, yeah!
- Oh!
- God.
How are you doing it?
Beep,
beep, boop, bop, bop.
Oh, that's hilarious!
Yeah, that's not a scarecrow.
That is a talking box.
Candy
apples do not compute!
Do not compute.
Who is that? Who is that?
Beep, beep, bop, bop.
Why does the scarecrow
have a robot voice?
Because I am a robot.
Kelly, hey.
Have you considered joining
the Historical Society?
Because, you know, for just $25,
you can preserve
Flatch's great past
and secure its future.
Mm, no, Nadine.
I have not considered
joining the society
- because I'm not 75 years old.
And you don't look it.
Ooh, ooh, be really
careful, really old.
Believe it or not,
in second grade,
Kelly and I were,
like, best friends,
but I guess I kept achieving
and she just never did
achieve anything at all.
I consider Colonel Robert Flatch
to be my personal
mentor 'cause, you know,
he was just 25 when he
founded this town in 1810.
25 years old. It's
such a funny story.
Colonel Flatch gets lost
one night with his regiment,
and he ends up right
here, it turns out,
where they built this latrine.
That one, right there.
Just to think, one whole town
started with one little hole.
It gives me chills
to think about it.
Anyway, it's my
job to protect it
because, at town
events, unfortunately,
people like to use
it as a Porta Potti.
Almost there. Time
for the unveiling.
It's a prime spot,
and I am ready.
Uh, this is my spot.
I'm sorry, Shrub, but
I was given this area.
No, I signed up for that spot
with Mrs. Wicks months ago.
I'm sorry, Shrub. That's
not what the map says.
No, God, Beth has to see me win.
And that's not even a scarecrow.
That is a teddy bear in a hat.
Oh, my God! Even the
crows can see that!
Well, it says here that
you're at Piswall Farm.
There is no way in
hell I'm going there.
Unbelievable.
You know how they, like,
release a McRib in February,
and you get all excited,
and then they just take it
away like it never happened?
Like, that's how
I feel right now
betrayed.
Did you tell people
to come vote for me?
Can you help me look
for my sneaker, please?
Your shoe does not weigh
as much as a skillet.
There's, like, no comparison.
Okay, I told everyone to come,
but everyone's really
into the robot scarecrow.
Oh, my God, there's
no such thing
as a robot scarecrow! There
are no crows in space!
Oh, check it out.
I got a video of it
twerking. It's insane.
Whoa, wow.
That's really awesome!
Are you kidding me?
Father Joe's been working
with Shrub on his anger issues.
He actually, uh, signed him
up for this online class,
but then Shrub sent the teacher
a bunch of middle finger emojis,
so that was that.
Wait.
Levi?
What? Now?
Ugh!
They moved skillet toss time up!
What?
They moved skillet toss time up!
- Why?
- More people signed up.
Oh, my God! No, puddle, ah!
Well, I'm young at
heart, you know?
How old are you?
June, who just signed up?
It was I.
Oh, my God.
I thought it was someone
who could actually beat me.
Oh, Nadine beats Kelly
at, like, everything.
In second grade, it
was Little Miss Flatch.
In fourth grade, she won
the pie eating contest
against Kelly.
And then eighth grade,
Kelly asked Dylan Parney
to the school dance,
and then he married Nadine.
Okay, Kelly, Maybe
if you had a job,
winning a little contest
wouldn't matter so much.
I have a job. I'm an influencer.
Heard of it?
Oh, that's great. Who
are you influencing?
Uh, Levi, Nathan S,
Nathan G for starters.
Oh, the little kids.
Hey, somebody's ready
for their lunch.
Okay, well,
I left you a Lean Cuisine
on the counter, Dylan.
I told you that.
- I meant the baby.
- Oh.
Hey, Kelly. Good luck today.
Good luck to you too. Thank you.
Okay, give me Chantal.
Dylan, careful.
Is she going to
breastfeed in the latrine?
Last night she did it
on the StairMaster.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Take as many potatoes
as you want, son.
Uh, whoa, you fill
out your voting form?
Let me see. Shrub
Mallet, first place.
All: Oh!
Get out of my field!
Pass your ballots!
You gave away
Mr. Piswall's potatoes?
No, people went
in and took them!
And he sold my pig for 50 bucks!
No, I... Lester gave me money,
and then the pig
followed him to his car.
Shrub, I... I'm
going to need you
to apologize to Mr. Piswall.
Why don't you apologize to me?
Because you're the one who gave
me the wrong, crappy location.
- Are you calling my farm crap?
- I am!
I run a pristine
venture out there!
Mm.
And you and your friends go
in there and muck it all up.
Look at this,
Father. Look at this.
This was right in the
middle of my field.
Oh, right, well, I have
no idea whose that is.
Yes!
Shrub, apologize now.
I'm sorry.
- happy now?
- Oh, that's it!
You're disqualified.
God, you should be thanking me
for getting rid of that pig!
It pooped everywhere.
- Don't forget my 50 bucks.
Diarrhea farm!
He means well.
You were totally robbed.
It's just I spent three
months making this.
I spent all my money
on orchard grass
- so my hay wouldn't get mites.
- I know.
It's just like...
Beth. H-how's school?
- Sanitary.
Oh.
Hey, bro, let me
help you with that!
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Are you kidding me, Mickey?
- What?
- God!
See you tonight!
Party at my place!
Yeah, I'm not coming over!
Hey, those potatoes had worms.
Screw you. They were free!
This whole town
has it out for me!
See?
Mallets have enemies everywhere.
Five minutes
till the skillet toss!
Okay, I'm gonna
show them. Let's go!
Hey, hey, put on
your other shoe!
Copy that!
Hey, June, have you
seen Shrub anywhere?
I'm afraid I haven't.
Is something wrong?
Yeah, there was a mix-up.
I ran into Mrs. Wicks,
and it turns out
she had given Shrub
your location.
She wrote it on the back
of her pill prescription,
and then she forgot
to take her pills.
Oh, dear, not again.
Let me go ask Bessie.
Joe, can you please change
your Tinder profile pic
from the one I took of you?
That is just cruel.
You're on Tinder?
Yes, Joe, I am single now too.
Wait, were you the
picture of the Siamese cat
in the overalls that
swiped right on me?
Mm-mm.
Okay, let's give it
up for Mandy Matthews.
Go, Mandy!
There's three
things that get me focused:
A spicy meat stick,
my man Garth Brooks, here,
and the third thing
is proprietary.
All: Ooh!
That was a big one!
Looks like that is 32 feet.
- And 2 inches.
- 2 inches.
Good job, Mandy, okay.
And now we have Kelly Mallet.
Raise it up! Raise it up!
Oh, geez!
Get EMS, EMS!
Is he dead?
Yeah, so the
guy Kelly kneecapped,
like, best friends with her dad.
Like, they started a
construction company together.
This is, like, bad
optics, as they say.
- Yes!
Yeah, Nadine won.
Yeah, but, like, no
one saw, so, like, whatever.
Hardly counts.
Skillet toss winner
goes to Nadine Parney!
Okay, excuse me. Thank you.
- I have a speech.
No.
Thank you.
Quite a throw, Kel.
I didn't mean to take out Matt.
Hell, don't apologize
to me. Did me a favor.
Guy tried to feel up Jessie
at the Reef last week.
If you hadn't clocked
him, I would've.
- Yeah?
- You got a good arm, kid.
First place...
- I got it from you.
For the
scarecrow award...
Yeah, you did.
- But your aim's for .
Goes to
the robot scarecrow.
See you, Pops.
Well
deserved. Great job.
Great job. Okay, okay.
No showboating. No showboating.
Okay, go to the side.
Now, I just want to give out
a special award to someone
whose creativity was head
and shoulders above the rest.
Has anyone seen Shrub Mallet?
Shrub, you out there?
Oh, my
God! Oh, my God!
Whew!
Someone call the
fire department!
Not helping, June.
Someone call the
fire department!
Oh, wow. Oh, geez.
People, focus!
- Everybody, stay calm.
- This is not part of it!
Stop cheering!
- Stop cheering!
Somebody could die! Focus!
Okay, it's pretty great.
So they actually
ended up selling like a bunch
of fireworks for Fourth
of July after that.
I mean, it was a
pretty impressive show.
Hot off the presses.
Read it and weep.
Beth is gonna want
me so bad now.
"Local Man Fires Up
Festival." Okay, look at you!
I mean, it's not the
front page, but...
Police blotter's
always third page.
You'll get front soon.
Yeah.
Where's Nadine's win?
Uh, page five
under "home care
aides available."
Winners!
Winners.