Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 4, Episode 15 - Barbarino's Baby - full transcript
Barbarino is frustrated because he doesn't get a good job at the hospital. So he is excited when he has to take a pregnant woman to her room. But the elevator breaks with them in it and she goes into labor. Now he has to deliver the baby.
- GOOD MORNING.
DAY SHIFT ORDERLIES, FALL IN.
BARBARINO, YOU GOT
IN JUST UNDER THE WIRE.
- NO, I DIDN'T.
I CAME IN IN THE EMPLOYEES'
ENTRANCE JUST LIKE YOU TOLD ME.
- OKAY, HERE ARE
TODAY'S ASSIGNMENTS.
EMERGENCY.
YOU, IN EMERGENCY, STAT.
LET'S SEE, OPERATING ROOM.
VERY NICE, BARBARINO.
ALL YOU NEED IS A TUTU,
AND YOU'D BE ANOTHER
RUDOLPH NUREYEV.
BACK.
NOW THE OPERATING
ROOM...
- LET'S SEE.
YOU, ASSIST IN THE
OPERATING ROOM.
OKAY, BARBARINO,
YOU'VE BEEN TRYING
TO GET MY ATTENTION.
NOW WHAT IS IT?
WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?
- LOOK, I WANT AN
IMPORTANT JOB TO DO.
- OH, YOU DO?
- YES.
- GOOD. BECAUSE I'M PUTTING YOU
IN CHARGE OF TILE HYGIENE.
- ALL RIGHT, TILE HYGIENE!
WHAT IS IT?
- SAME AS USUAL.
- NURSE BONNIE, ALL I
EVER DO AROUND HERE
IS MOP FLOORS AND MAKE BEDS.
- PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT.
- WELL, HOW COME YOU DON'T
PUT ME IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM
LIKE YOU DO WITH THE OTHER GUYS?
- YOU IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM?
- HA, HA, HA, HA.
WHAT'S WRONG? I CAN
HANDLE AN EMERGENCY.
- YOU GET CONFUSED WHEN
YOU CHANGE THE MOP WATER.
- ♪ MACHO MACHO MAN ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TO BE A MACHO MAN ♪
♪ MACHO MACHO MAN ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TO BE... ♪
BARBARINO, DON'T COME
IN HERE WITHOUT KNOCKING.
DIDN'T ANYONE EVER
TEACH YOU MANNERS?
- YEAH, THE SAME GUY WHO
TAUGHT YOU HOW TO DANCE.
OH, LOOK, MR. WOODMAN,
LOOK AT THIS.
SOME GUY WITH LITTLE
TEENY WEENY FEET
WALKED ALL OVER YOUR BOOK.
- WHAT DO YOU WANT, BARBARINO?
- NURSE BONNIE AT THE
HOSPITAL, SHE'S BEEN GIVING ME
THESE DUMB JOBS LATELY
AND I WANT TO SHOW HER
THAT I CAN DO MORE.
- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA SHOW HER?
HOW TO HOT WIRE AN IRON LUNG?
THAT'S FUNNY.
HOT WIRE AN IRON LUNG.
I GOT TO SEND THAT TO
JOHNNY FOR HIS MONOLOG.
- LOOK, I WANT YOU TO
CALL AND RECOMMEND ME
TO DO SOME BETTER JOBS.
- MICHAEL WOODMAN
RECOMMEND VINNIE BARBARINO?
WHAT IS THIS, "CANDID CAMERA"?
- LOOK, ALL I WANT IS A
CHANCE TO SHOW HER.
- BARBARINO, LOOK, NOTHING
COMES EASY IN THIS WORLD.
I MEAN, LET ME ASK
YOU SOMETHING.
HOW DO YOU THINK I GOT TO
BE PRINCIPAL OF THIS SCHOOL?
- THAT'S WHAT EVERYBODY
WANTS TO KNOW.
- IF NURSE BONNIE DOESN'T
THINK YOU'RE READY
FOR MORE RESPONSIBILITY,
YOU'RE PROBABLY NOT.
I MEAN, I CAN'T
INFLUENCE HER DECISION.
- SO THAT MEANS YOU
AIN'T GONNA CALL HER?
- THAT'S RIGHT.
♪ MACHO MACHO MAN ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TO BE A MACHO MAN ♪
♪ MACHO MACHO MAN ♪
- HOW'D YOU DO,
HUH? HOW'D YOU DO?
DID YOU GET WOODMAN
TO SOFTEN UP?
- I KNEW IT. THE ONLY THING
SOFT ABOUT MR. WOODMAN
IS HIS HEAD.
- WELL, HIS BODY AIN'T
EXACTLY A PIECE OF THE ROCK.
- I CAN SEE IT NOW,
50 YEARS FROM NOW
I'LL BE THE OLDEST
MOPPING ORDERLY.
THEY'RE GONNA GIVE ME A
GOLD BUCKET AND A GOLD MOP.
- WELL, LOOK, IF WOODMAN
WON'T PUT IN A GOOD WORD
FOR VINNIE, THEN SOMEBODY
ELSE IS GONNA HAVE TO.
- YEAH.
- NOW, LOOK, I KNOW
YOU GUYS ARE UPSET
BUT DON'T DO ANYTHING FOOLISH.
- WE WOULDN'T DO
ANYTHING FOOLISH.
THAT WOULD BE FOOLISH.
- WE'RE COOL.
- ME, FOOLISH?
- INNOCENT AS CAN BE, C'MON.
- ♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED ♪
♪ SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS
HAVE REMAINED ♪
♪ AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
- NURSE BONNIE?
- YES?
- I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT VINNIE BARBARINO.
- IF YOU HAVE A
COMPLAINT ABOUT HIM
YOU FILE IT WITH THE
ADMINISTRATOR'S OFFICE.
- I DON'T HAVE A
COMPLAINT ABOUT HIM.
- YOU DON'T HAVE A
COMPLAINT ABOUT HIM?
THEN WHY DO YOU WANT
TO TALK ABOUT BARBARINO?
- NURSE BONNIE, I'M WORKING
AT BUCHANAN HIGH SCHOOL NOW
AND I'VE KNOWN VINNIE
A VERY LONG TIME.
- HOW LONG?
- FOUR YEARS.
- OH, YOU POOR DEAR.
HOW DID YOU MANAGE
TO STAY SO YOUNG?
- WELL, I FIND
VINNIE EXHILARATING.
- WELL, ONE WOMAN'S EXHILARATION
IS ANOTHER WOMAN'S AGGRAVATION.
- NURSE BONNIE, DESPITE
HIS ROUGH EXTERIOR
THERE'S A VERY
TRUSTWORTHY, HONEST
AND LEVEL-HEADED YOUNG MAN.
YOU KNOW, HE'D WORK VERY
HARD IF YOU'D GIVE HIM A CHANCE.
- WHERE IS HE?
WHERE IS HE?
I WANTS TO SEE
ORDERLY, ORDERLY...
- VINNIE BARBARINO.
- YES, YES, YES.
I WANT TO SHAKE
THE HAND OF THE MAN
THAT PERFORMED THIS MIRACLE.
- GUYS, DON'T YOU
THINK YOU'RE GOING...
- HEY, DON'T SAY
ANOTHER WORD, SISTER.
YOU MUST HEAR WHAT THIS GIANT
OF THE WORLD OF
MEDICINE HAS DONE.
- YES, YES.
THIS YOUNG MAN HERE, HE
WAS MINDING HIS OWN BUSINESS.
YOU SEE, HE WAS
WALKING DOWN THE STREET,
HE WAS EATING A
TUNA FISH SANDWICH
WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN A
RUNAWAY HOTDOG TRUCK CAME
AND RAN HIM OVER.
IF IT WASN'T... I SAID,
IF IT WASN'T FOR
THE QUICK ACTION
OF ORDERLY, UH, ORDERLY...
- VINNIE BARBARINO.
- YES, YES, THAT SAVED THIS
BROKEN AND SHATTERED LIMB.
- OH, YES, BROKEN AND SHATTERED.
- USING THE ONLY
MATERIAL AT HAND,
SOME NAPKINS AND SOME
SOGGY HOTDOG BUNS.
AND NOW, AND NOW, IN
THIS MOMENT OF REVELATION,
WE SHALL SEE IF
VINNIE BARBARINO'S
EXTRAORDINARY EFFORTS
ON MEDICAL SCIENCE WORKED.
- OH, PLEASE, LET
IT BE GOOD NEWS.
- I ONLY WISH THAT HIS
ONE ARM BE LIKE THE OTHER.
- MOVE IT, SON!
MOVE THAT ARM. SEE THE
GLORY OF BEING HEALED.
- AGH, AGH, IT WORKS, IT WORKS.
- IT'S A MIRACLE.
IT'S A MIRACLE.
- IT WORKS, IT
WORKS, OH, IT WORKS.
I'M WHOLE AGAIN.
AND I OWE IT ALL TO
VINNIE BARBARINO.
THAT'S B-A-R-B-A-R-I-N-O.
- I KNOW WHO IT IS.
AND I KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
NOW I'M A VERY BUSY WOMAN.
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME.
- WELL, GUYS, LOOKS
LIKE YOU STRUCK OUT.
DO ME A FAVOR, THE NEXT
TIME USE YOUR HEADS,
NOT YOUR HEARTS.
- HOW ARE WE GONNA
EXPLAIN THIS TO VINNIE?
- I DON'T KNOW.
- C'MON, LET'S GET OUT Y'ALL.
- HEY, WHAT ARE YOU
GUYS DOING HERE?
I TOLD YOU NOT TO HANG OUT HERE.
- BARBARINO, I WANT YOU
TO TAKE MRS. FISHBEIN
AND HER HUSBAND
UP TO 604 IMMEDIATELY.
- RIGHT, RIGHT.
- RIGHT NOW.
- LISTEN, GET LOST
'CAUSE I'M TRYING TO MAKE
A GOOD IMPRESSION
ON NURSE BONNIE.
- OKAY, VINNIE. WE'LL
SEE YOU TOMORROW.
- HOW MANY TIMES
HAVE I GOT TO TELL YOU
NOT TO HANG OUT WITH ME?
HI, JUST RELAX NOW.
AND WE'RE GONNA TAKE
YOU UP TO YOUR ROOM.
SO JUST SIT BACK AND RELAX.
- RELAX?
WE LEFT THE GAME WITH
THE JETS ON THE 5-YARD LINE,
4 MINUTES TO GO AND
YOU WANT ME TO RELAX?
- WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?
- WELL, EITHER THE ELEVATOR
JAMMED OR THE BUILDING SANK.
- WE'RE TRAPPED!
TRAPPED LIKE RATS
IN A SINKING SHIP.
JUST LIKE, UH, SHELLEY WINTERS
IN THE "POSEIDON ADVENTURE."
OH, QUICK, LET'S CRAWL
TOWARDS THE PROPELLER.
IF WE CRAWL TOWARDS
THE PROPELLER
WE'LL BE ABLE TO FEEL
THE SUN IN OUR FACE.
- ARNOLD, HUSH NOW.
ARNOLD, HUSH NOW.
- WE WILL BE HAPPY!
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- I GOT TO THINK.
- ARE YOU THINKING?
- I HAVE A HARD TIME THINKING
STRAIGHT IN SMALL PLACES.
- OR BIG PLACES.
OR COLD PLACES.
OR HOT PLACES.
OR HIGH PLACES.
- OHH, ORDERLY.
- YES, DON'T... PLEASE,
JUST RELAX NOW.
LOOK, EVERYBODY CALM DOWN.
I'M GONNA PUSH THE ALARM BUTTON
AND WE'LL BE OUTTA
HERE IN NO TIME.
- ORDERLY?
- YES?
- HE'S COMING.
- I KNOW HE'S COMING.
HE'S COMING TO FIX THE ELEVATOR.
- NO, NOT THE
ELEVATOR REPAIRMAN.
THE BABY.
- WHAT?
- I'M GONNA HAVE A BABY.
- I KNOW YOU'RE
GONNA HAVE A BABY.
CONGRATULATIONS.
- THAT'S NICE.
- HE'S COMING RIGHT NOW.
OHH, OHH!
- WAIT A MINUTE.
- WAIT, WAIT!
- SHE CAN'T HAVE
NO BABY HERE, MAN.
WE DON'T GOT... WE
GOT NO HOT WATER.
- I WONDER WHAT MY DAD
WOULD SAY AT A TIME LIKE THIS.
- HELP ME!
EXCUSE ME.
HELP ME!
THERE'S A TEENAGER
IN TROUBLE HERE.
- NO, THAT DON'T
SOUND LIKE MY DADDY.
- HELP ME!
HELP ME!
THERE IS A TEENAGER
IN TROUBLE HERE.
- THAT SOUNDS LIKE MY DADDY.
- OH MY.
OH, SIDNEY, WHAT
ARE WE GONNA DO?
- MYRNA, WHY CAN'T
YOU HAVE YOUR BABIES
LIKE ORDINARY NORMAL PEOPLE?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT ME
IN A PREDICAMENT LIKE THIS?
- SURE, ALWAYS
THINK OF YOURSELF.
YOU NEVER THINK OF ME, DO YOU?
- SWEETHEART, IF I
NEVER THOUGHT OF YOU,
WOULD YOU BE IN THIS CONDITION?
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
EVERYBODY, QUIET!
QUIET, EVERYBODY!
- OH, WILL YOU STOP IT?
I'M THE ONE IN CHARGE
HERE. I'M THE MEDICAL PERSON.
- AH-OH.
- I CAN'T LOOK. IS IT BORN YET?
- NO, IT'S NOT BORN YET.
LOOK, I'M GONNA
CALL NURSE BONNIE.
WE'LL BE OUT OF HERE IN NO TIME.
- OH, WE'D BETTER BE BECAUSE
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT WE GOT.
NO TIME.
- NURSE BONNIE. LISTEN,
WE'RE IN THE ELEVATOR NOW
AND WE'RE IN A TERRIBLE FIX
AND WE'RE GONNA
HAVE A BABY AND EVERY...
IT'S VINNIE BARBARINO.
NO, I MUST HAVE GOT
THE WRONG NUMBER.
NO, I WOULD LIKE TO
TAKE RUMBA LESSONS
BUT NOT AT THIS MOMENT.
- HELLO?
NO, BARBARINO, I DO
NOT GIVE RUMBA LESSONS.
I KNOW YOU'RE STUCK.
THE REPAIRMAN'S ON
HIS WAY UP TO THE ROOF.
SHE'S GIVING BIRTH NOW?
OH, NOW YOU JUST CALM
THAT POOR WOMAN DOWN
AND TELL HER NOT TO CRY.
ALL RIGHT, THEN TELL
ARNOLD HORSHACK NOT TO CRY.
LISTEN, NOW. STAY ON THE PHONE
BECAUSE I'M GONNA
PUT A DOCTOR ON
BECAUSE YOU JUST MAY
HAVE TO DELIVER THIS BABY.
- HA, OKAY, FINE.
LOOK, MISS...
- MRS.
- MRS.
LOOK, WE'RE GONNA HAVE
TO HAVE A BABY TOGETHER
AND I THINK WE SHOULD
INTRODUCE OURSELVES.
MY NAME'S VINNIE BARBARINO.
- MYRNA FISHBEIN.
- ARNOLD HORSHACK.
MANY HAPPY RETURNS
OF THE DAY, I'M SURE.
- AND THIS IS MY
HUSBAND, SIDNEY.
Together: SIDNEY!
- OH-OHH!
- IS IT BORN YET?
- SPORT, LET ME
ASK YOU SOMETHING.
HAVE YOU HAD MUCH
EXPERIENCE IN DELIVERY?
- YEAH, I DELIVERED
DRY CLEANING.
- WELL, THERE'S NOTHING
TO WORRY ABOUT.
I'M AN OLD HAND AT THIS.
HA, HA, HA. OH, OHH, OHH.
- I'M GONNA GET THE
DOCTOR ON THE PHONE.
- NO PROBLEM, NO PROBLEM.
WE'VE DONE THIS
MANY TIMES BEFORE.
SEVEN TIMES, TO BE
EXACT, HUH, MYRNA?
- SIDNEY, I'M TRYING TO RELAX.
DON'T REMIND ME THAT I'VE
ALREADY GOT SEVEN CHILDREN.
- AH, C'MON, MYRNA,
THEY'RE ALL GREAT KIDS
AND THIS ISN'T THE WORST
PLACE YOU EVER GAVE BIRTH.
TAKE OUR FOURTH KID.
HE WAS BORN IN SHEA
STADIUM, ON THE 50-YARD LINE.
SO WE CALL HIM BROADWAY JOE.
- BROADWAY JOE FISHBEIN?
YEAH, IT'S VERY ORIGINAL.
- MM-HM.
OOH, HE'S A GREAT
ATHLETE THAT KID,
BUT NOT AS GOOD AS
HIS BROTHER MUHAMMAD.
- MUHAMMAD FISHBEIN?
- YEAH. BORN RINGSIDE.
THE ALI-NORTON FIGHT.
SO AN ELEVATOR, BIG DEAL.
- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA
NAME THIS KID, OTIS?
- WE CAN HANDLE IT, HUH, MYRNA?
ALL THIS TALK ABOUT HOW
TOUGH IT IS TO HAVE A BABY
IS JUST A LOT OF MALARKEY.
- EASY FOR YOU TO SAY.
WHEN THE GOING GETS
ROUGH, YOU TAKE OFF.
SIDNEY THINKS A MAN'S
PLACE DURING CHILDBIRTH
IS WITH HIS BARTENDER.
- GUY'S GONNA HAVE A HARD TIME
GETTING OUT OF
THIS ONE, HUH, SID?
- OHH, OHH.
- OHHH!
- WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
- QUICK THINKING, HUH, SID?
- THE PRIDE OF THE YANKEES
JUST WENT DOWN FOR THE COUNT.
- ALL RIGHT.
THE DOCTOR SAYS THAT YOU
GOT TO TAKE DEEP BREATHS
IN ORDER TO FEEL BETTER.
READY?
- OHH!
- I GOT TO SEE WHAT HE SAYS.
DOCTOR, LISTEN, I GOT
TO ASK YOU A QUESTION.
LOOK, NOW, IF IT'S A BOY,
DO I GOT TO TAKE CARE
OF RELIGIOUS STUFF?
NO? OH, GOOD, GOOD.
HEY, C'MON, DOC, LOOK.
I'M IN THE MEDICAL
PROFESSION, YOU KNOW.
OH, NO, OKAY, FINE.
OH, HE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU.
COME HERE.
- HEY, LEMME GIVE YOU A HAND.
- SIT DOWN, LAY DOWN.
TAKE IT EASY. TAKE A
LOAD OFF YOUR FEET.
- THERE YOU GO.
- IT'S OKAY.
- HELLO, DOCTOR?
YEAH, THE CONTRACTIONS
ARE ABOUT A MINUTE APART.
NO, THE OTHER BIRTHS WERE
ALL NORMAL, NO COMPLICATIONS.
- OH, HELLO, NURSE BONNIE.
YES, WE HAVE MEDICAL INSURANCE.
MY SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER?
IS THAT NECESSARY RIGHT NOW?
521-460... OHH.
AHH.
- C'MON, HANG IN
THERE. I'M WITH YOU.
- MATERNITY ELEVATOR.
VINNIE, IT'S FOR YOU.
- HANG ON TO MY CALLS.
- BARBARINO, BARBARINO!
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
OKAY, CLEAR THE WAY, EVERYBODY.
OUT OF THE WAY,
C'MON, CLEAR THE WAY.
HERE WE GO.
BARBARINO, YOU
GET OUT OF THE WAY.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS.
- HEY, I CAN HELP YOU WITH IT.
- GO AWAY.
- HEY, YOU'RE WELCOME!
OH, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, BUT
REALLY IT WAS NOTHING.
NOTHING, REALLY.
WHAT'S THAT, MR. CRONKITE?
OH, YOU WANT TO GIVE
ME THE KEY TO THE CITY?
OH, THANK YOU.
THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
BUT IT WAS REALLY NOTHING.
IT WAS, YOU KNOW,
JUST THE AVERAGE DAY
IN AN AVERAGE ORDERLY'S LIFE.
YOU KNOW, THE
ELEVATOR GETS STUCK,
YOU DELIVER A BABY.
I WAS IGNORED.
OH, BARBARA WALTERS, REALLY, NO,
I'VE LOVE TO GO
TO DINNER WITH YOU
BUT I JUST CAN'T.
I... REALLY, I GOT MORE
IMPORTANT THINGS
TO DO RIGHT NOW.
LIKE TILE HYGIENE.
- VINNIE!
OH, VINNIE!
VINNIE, OH, WAIT
'TIL YOU SEE HIM.
HE'S ALL PINK AND HEALTHY
AND READY TO FACE THE WORLD
LIKE A BRAVE LITTLE SOLDIER.
- OH, THAT'S GOOD,
THE BABY'S OKAY?
- I DON'T KNOW.
I'M TALKING ABOUT MR. FISHBEIN.
- HEY, VINNIE, LET ME
TELL YOU SOMETHING.
IF I WAS YOU, I'D GET
OUT OF TOWN RIGHT AWAY.
I JUST GOT A LOOK AT THAT KID.
THE KID'S ALL RED,
WRINKLED AND DISTORTED.
IT KINDA LOOKS LIKE A LITTLE
MR. WOODMAN, YOU KNOW?
- YOU KNOW, COME TO THINK OF IT,
MR. WOODMAN LOOKS
LIKE A LITTLE MR. WOODMAN.
- YEAH, C'MON, LET'S GO
AND SEE THE BABY AGAIN.
- OH, YEAH, I LOVE BABIES.
- HEY, VINNIE,
CHECK IT OUT, BRO.
THE DOCTOR SAID THAT
THE KID IS PERFECT.
HE SAID HE COULDN'T HAVE
DONE A BETTER JOB HIMSELF.
YOU DID GOOD.
- YOU WERE GREAT.
WE'RE ALL PROUD OF YOU, VINNIE.
- YEAH, WELL,
THANKS, MR. CRONKITE
BUT IT'S JUST AN AVERAGE
DAY IN AVERAGE ORDERLY'S LIFE.
- WALTER CRONKITE?
HEY, VINNIE, YOU BEEN
SNIFFING MOP & GLO AGAIN?
- NO. IT'S JUST THAT, YOU KNOW,
I TRY REAL HARD TO DO SOMETHING
TO IMPRESS NURSE BONNIE
AND I GET IGNORED, YOU KNOW?
- HEY, LOOK, NOBODY'S
IGNORING YOU.
LOOK, JUST GIVE 'EM A
CHANCE AND THEY'RE GONNA...
LOOK, HERE COMES
MR. FISHBEIN NOW.
STAND BACK AND REAP YOUR REWARD.
- WHAT A WONDERFUL DAY.
A WONDERFUL DAY!
- WHAT'D I TELL YA?
- THE JETS WON.
17 TO 14, PULLED IT
OUT AT THE LAST MINUTE.
OH, LISTEN, I WANT TO THANK YOU
FOR EVERYTHING YOU'VE
DONE, EVERYTHING.
AND TO SHOW OUR APPRECIATION,
WE WANT TO NAME
THE BABY AFTER YOU.
SO WHAT'S YOUR NAME AGAIN?
- VINNIE. VINNIE BARBARINO.
- VINNIE.
VINNIE FISHBEIN.
YOU PLAY BASEBALL?
- YEAH.
- WHAT POSITION?
- I USED TO PLAY RIGHT FIELD.
- GREAT.
IN YOUR HONOR, WE'RE
GONNA NAME THE KID REGGIE.
REGGIE FISHBEIN.
DON'T THAT HAVE A RING TO IT?
REGGIE FISHBEIN.
- SEE THAT?
I DELIVERED A GUY'S
BABY AND HE NAMES HIM
AFTER A CANDY BAR.
NOTHING EVER CHANGES.
- HEY, VINNIE.
THINGS DO CHANGE, MAN.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, MAN.
THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT.
THAT DON'T MATTER.
YOU KNOW WHAT MATTERS?
WHAT MATTERS IS THE
WAY NURSE BONNIE'S
GONNA BE TREATING
YOU FROM NOW ON.
CHECK IT OUT, MAN.
SHE'LL WORSHIP THE
GROUND YOU MOP ON.
BARBARINO? Barbarino: YEAH?
- I WANT YOU TO STOP
ENTERTAINING THESE DELINQUENTS.
I'VE GOT WORK FOR YOU TO DO.
OUT, OUT!
- I WAS LEAVING ANYWAY, BABY.
- I WANT YOU TO TAKE
THE MOP AND THE PAIL
AND PUT THEM IN THE CLOSET.
BECAUSE YOU'RE
WORKING IN EMERGENCY.
- YOU'RE KIDDING?
- WELL, BARBARINO, IF I'D KNOWN
YOU WERE GONNA DO THAT,
I'D HAVE GIVEN YOU THIS
ASSIGNMENT SOONER.
- AHHH.
WHAT A REWARDING
EXPERIENCE, YOU KNOW?
BRINGING A NEW
LIFE INTO THE WORLD.
- WHO ARE YOU KIDDING, ARNOLD?
MRS. FISHBEIN BROUGHT
A LIFE INTO THE WORLD.
WE WERE MORE WORRIED
ABOUT BRINGING YOU BACK TO LIFE.
- HA, HA, HA, HA.
THAT'S NOT TRUE, BEAUREGAHHHG.
- C'MON, C'MON, ARNIE,
YOU WERE TURNING
ALL KINDS OF COLORS, HUH?
I MEAN, FOR A WHILE
THERE YOU LOOKED
LIKE THE JOLLY GREEN MIDWIFE.
- HA, HA!
THAT'S RIGHT, ARNOLD, MAN.
YOUR EYES WERE SO
BUGGED OUT THAT IT TOOK
TWO OF US TO HELP YOU BLINK.
HA, HA!
- WELL, LISTEN TO YOU.
YOU HELPED DELIVER ONE
BABY AND YOU THINK YOU KNOW
MR. STORK PERSONALLY.
- I COULD DO IT AGAIN,
MAN, JUST GIVE...
- GUYS, WE GOT THE
BABY CLEANED UP.
WE CAN LOOK AT IT
THROUGH THE WINDOW.
- ALL RIGHT, LET'S
CHECK OUT THE BABY.
RIGHT ON.
- HEY, UM, LOOK, WHY
DON'T WE WALK UP?
IT'D BE GOOD FOR THE EXERCISE.
YEAH.
- SURE, SURE, IT'S
ONLY NINE FLOORS.
- YEAH, WE'LL TAKE
THE SCENIC ROUTE.
- YEAH, I'LL MAKE SURE
YOU DON'T GET LOST.
- SO?
IS THIS YOUR FIRST BABY?
THERE'S REALLY NOTHING TO IT.
I HAVE FOUND IN MY EXPERIENCE
THAT IF YOU DO
HEAVY BREATHING...
BREATHE IN AND OUT,
IT'S MUCH BETTER.
YOU WANT TO TRY IT.
IN WITH THE GOOD AIR.
OUT WITH THE BAD AIR.
IN WITH... THAT'S IT.
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED ♪
♪ SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS
HAVE REMAINED ♪
♪ AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA? ♪
♪ ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WE ALWAYS COULD
SPOT A FRIEND ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ AND I SMILE WHEN I THINK
HOW YOU MUST HAVE BEEN ♪
♪ AND I KNOW WHEN IT
SEEMED YOU WERE TURNIN' IN ♪
♪ WAS THERE SOMETHIN' THAT
MADE YOU COME BACK AGAIN ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA? ♪
♪ ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
DAY SHIFT ORDERLIES, FALL IN.
BARBARINO, YOU GOT
IN JUST UNDER THE WIRE.
- NO, I DIDN'T.
I CAME IN IN THE EMPLOYEES'
ENTRANCE JUST LIKE YOU TOLD ME.
- OKAY, HERE ARE
TODAY'S ASSIGNMENTS.
EMERGENCY.
YOU, IN EMERGENCY, STAT.
LET'S SEE, OPERATING ROOM.
VERY NICE, BARBARINO.
ALL YOU NEED IS A TUTU,
AND YOU'D BE ANOTHER
RUDOLPH NUREYEV.
BACK.
NOW THE OPERATING
ROOM...
- LET'S SEE.
YOU, ASSIST IN THE
OPERATING ROOM.
OKAY, BARBARINO,
YOU'VE BEEN TRYING
TO GET MY ATTENTION.
NOW WHAT IS IT?
WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?
- LOOK, I WANT AN
IMPORTANT JOB TO DO.
- OH, YOU DO?
- YES.
- GOOD. BECAUSE I'M PUTTING YOU
IN CHARGE OF TILE HYGIENE.
- ALL RIGHT, TILE HYGIENE!
WHAT IS IT?
- SAME AS USUAL.
- NURSE BONNIE, ALL I
EVER DO AROUND HERE
IS MOP FLOORS AND MAKE BEDS.
- PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT.
- WELL, HOW COME YOU DON'T
PUT ME IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM
LIKE YOU DO WITH THE OTHER GUYS?
- YOU IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM?
- HA, HA, HA, HA.
WHAT'S WRONG? I CAN
HANDLE AN EMERGENCY.
- YOU GET CONFUSED WHEN
YOU CHANGE THE MOP WATER.
- ♪ MACHO MACHO MAN ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TO BE A MACHO MAN ♪
♪ MACHO MACHO MAN ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TO BE... ♪
BARBARINO, DON'T COME
IN HERE WITHOUT KNOCKING.
DIDN'T ANYONE EVER
TEACH YOU MANNERS?
- YEAH, THE SAME GUY WHO
TAUGHT YOU HOW TO DANCE.
OH, LOOK, MR. WOODMAN,
LOOK AT THIS.
SOME GUY WITH LITTLE
TEENY WEENY FEET
WALKED ALL OVER YOUR BOOK.
- WHAT DO YOU WANT, BARBARINO?
- NURSE BONNIE AT THE
HOSPITAL, SHE'S BEEN GIVING ME
THESE DUMB JOBS LATELY
AND I WANT TO SHOW HER
THAT I CAN DO MORE.
- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA SHOW HER?
HOW TO HOT WIRE AN IRON LUNG?
THAT'S FUNNY.
HOT WIRE AN IRON LUNG.
I GOT TO SEND THAT TO
JOHNNY FOR HIS MONOLOG.
- LOOK, I WANT YOU TO
CALL AND RECOMMEND ME
TO DO SOME BETTER JOBS.
- MICHAEL WOODMAN
RECOMMEND VINNIE BARBARINO?
WHAT IS THIS, "CANDID CAMERA"?
- LOOK, ALL I WANT IS A
CHANCE TO SHOW HER.
- BARBARINO, LOOK, NOTHING
COMES EASY IN THIS WORLD.
I MEAN, LET ME ASK
YOU SOMETHING.
HOW DO YOU THINK I GOT TO
BE PRINCIPAL OF THIS SCHOOL?
- THAT'S WHAT EVERYBODY
WANTS TO KNOW.
- IF NURSE BONNIE DOESN'T
THINK YOU'RE READY
FOR MORE RESPONSIBILITY,
YOU'RE PROBABLY NOT.
I MEAN, I CAN'T
INFLUENCE HER DECISION.
- SO THAT MEANS YOU
AIN'T GONNA CALL HER?
- THAT'S RIGHT.
♪ MACHO MACHO MAN ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TO BE A MACHO MAN ♪
♪ MACHO MACHO MAN ♪
- HOW'D YOU DO,
HUH? HOW'D YOU DO?
DID YOU GET WOODMAN
TO SOFTEN UP?
- I KNEW IT. THE ONLY THING
SOFT ABOUT MR. WOODMAN
IS HIS HEAD.
- WELL, HIS BODY AIN'T
EXACTLY A PIECE OF THE ROCK.
- I CAN SEE IT NOW,
50 YEARS FROM NOW
I'LL BE THE OLDEST
MOPPING ORDERLY.
THEY'RE GONNA GIVE ME A
GOLD BUCKET AND A GOLD MOP.
- WELL, LOOK, IF WOODMAN
WON'T PUT IN A GOOD WORD
FOR VINNIE, THEN SOMEBODY
ELSE IS GONNA HAVE TO.
- YEAH.
- NOW, LOOK, I KNOW
YOU GUYS ARE UPSET
BUT DON'T DO ANYTHING FOOLISH.
- WE WOULDN'T DO
ANYTHING FOOLISH.
THAT WOULD BE FOOLISH.
- WE'RE COOL.
- ME, FOOLISH?
- INNOCENT AS CAN BE, C'MON.
- ♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED ♪
♪ SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS
HAVE REMAINED ♪
♪ AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
- NURSE BONNIE?
- YES?
- I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT VINNIE BARBARINO.
- IF YOU HAVE A
COMPLAINT ABOUT HIM
YOU FILE IT WITH THE
ADMINISTRATOR'S OFFICE.
- I DON'T HAVE A
COMPLAINT ABOUT HIM.
- YOU DON'T HAVE A
COMPLAINT ABOUT HIM?
THEN WHY DO YOU WANT
TO TALK ABOUT BARBARINO?
- NURSE BONNIE, I'M WORKING
AT BUCHANAN HIGH SCHOOL NOW
AND I'VE KNOWN VINNIE
A VERY LONG TIME.
- HOW LONG?
- FOUR YEARS.
- OH, YOU POOR DEAR.
HOW DID YOU MANAGE
TO STAY SO YOUNG?
- WELL, I FIND
VINNIE EXHILARATING.
- WELL, ONE WOMAN'S EXHILARATION
IS ANOTHER WOMAN'S AGGRAVATION.
- NURSE BONNIE, DESPITE
HIS ROUGH EXTERIOR
THERE'S A VERY
TRUSTWORTHY, HONEST
AND LEVEL-HEADED YOUNG MAN.
YOU KNOW, HE'D WORK VERY
HARD IF YOU'D GIVE HIM A CHANCE.
- WHERE IS HE?
WHERE IS HE?
I WANTS TO SEE
ORDERLY, ORDERLY...
- VINNIE BARBARINO.
- YES, YES, YES.
I WANT TO SHAKE
THE HAND OF THE MAN
THAT PERFORMED THIS MIRACLE.
- GUYS, DON'T YOU
THINK YOU'RE GOING...
- HEY, DON'T SAY
ANOTHER WORD, SISTER.
YOU MUST HEAR WHAT THIS GIANT
OF THE WORLD OF
MEDICINE HAS DONE.
- YES, YES.
THIS YOUNG MAN HERE, HE
WAS MINDING HIS OWN BUSINESS.
YOU SEE, HE WAS
WALKING DOWN THE STREET,
HE WAS EATING A
TUNA FISH SANDWICH
WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN A
RUNAWAY HOTDOG TRUCK CAME
AND RAN HIM OVER.
IF IT WASN'T... I SAID,
IF IT WASN'T FOR
THE QUICK ACTION
OF ORDERLY, UH, ORDERLY...
- VINNIE BARBARINO.
- YES, YES, THAT SAVED THIS
BROKEN AND SHATTERED LIMB.
- OH, YES, BROKEN AND SHATTERED.
- USING THE ONLY
MATERIAL AT HAND,
SOME NAPKINS AND SOME
SOGGY HOTDOG BUNS.
AND NOW, AND NOW, IN
THIS MOMENT OF REVELATION,
WE SHALL SEE IF
VINNIE BARBARINO'S
EXTRAORDINARY EFFORTS
ON MEDICAL SCIENCE WORKED.
- OH, PLEASE, LET
IT BE GOOD NEWS.
- I ONLY WISH THAT HIS
ONE ARM BE LIKE THE OTHER.
- MOVE IT, SON!
MOVE THAT ARM. SEE THE
GLORY OF BEING HEALED.
- AGH, AGH, IT WORKS, IT WORKS.
- IT'S A MIRACLE.
IT'S A MIRACLE.
- IT WORKS, IT
WORKS, OH, IT WORKS.
I'M WHOLE AGAIN.
AND I OWE IT ALL TO
VINNIE BARBARINO.
THAT'S B-A-R-B-A-R-I-N-O.
- I KNOW WHO IT IS.
AND I KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
NOW I'M A VERY BUSY WOMAN.
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME.
- WELL, GUYS, LOOKS
LIKE YOU STRUCK OUT.
DO ME A FAVOR, THE NEXT
TIME USE YOUR HEADS,
NOT YOUR HEARTS.
- HOW ARE WE GONNA
EXPLAIN THIS TO VINNIE?
- I DON'T KNOW.
- C'MON, LET'S GET OUT Y'ALL.
- HEY, WHAT ARE YOU
GUYS DOING HERE?
I TOLD YOU NOT TO HANG OUT HERE.
- BARBARINO, I WANT YOU
TO TAKE MRS. FISHBEIN
AND HER HUSBAND
UP TO 604 IMMEDIATELY.
- RIGHT, RIGHT.
- RIGHT NOW.
- LISTEN, GET LOST
'CAUSE I'M TRYING TO MAKE
A GOOD IMPRESSION
ON NURSE BONNIE.
- OKAY, VINNIE. WE'LL
SEE YOU TOMORROW.
- HOW MANY TIMES
HAVE I GOT TO TELL YOU
NOT TO HANG OUT WITH ME?
HI, JUST RELAX NOW.
AND WE'RE GONNA TAKE
YOU UP TO YOUR ROOM.
SO JUST SIT BACK AND RELAX.
- RELAX?
WE LEFT THE GAME WITH
THE JETS ON THE 5-YARD LINE,
4 MINUTES TO GO AND
YOU WANT ME TO RELAX?
- WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?
- WELL, EITHER THE ELEVATOR
JAMMED OR THE BUILDING SANK.
- WE'RE TRAPPED!
TRAPPED LIKE RATS
IN A SINKING SHIP.
JUST LIKE, UH, SHELLEY WINTERS
IN THE "POSEIDON ADVENTURE."
OH, QUICK, LET'S CRAWL
TOWARDS THE PROPELLER.
IF WE CRAWL TOWARDS
THE PROPELLER
WE'LL BE ABLE TO FEEL
THE SUN IN OUR FACE.
- ARNOLD, HUSH NOW.
ARNOLD, HUSH NOW.
- WE WILL BE HAPPY!
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- I GOT TO THINK.
- ARE YOU THINKING?
- I HAVE A HARD TIME THINKING
STRAIGHT IN SMALL PLACES.
- OR BIG PLACES.
OR COLD PLACES.
OR HOT PLACES.
OR HIGH PLACES.
- OHH, ORDERLY.
- YES, DON'T... PLEASE,
JUST RELAX NOW.
LOOK, EVERYBODY CALM DOWN.
I'M GONNA PUSH THE ALARM BUTTON
AND WE'LL BE OUTTA
HERE IN NO TIME.
- ORDERLY?
- YES?
- HE'S COMING.
- I KNOW HE'S COMING.
HE'S COMING TO FIX THE ELEVATOR.
- NO, NOT THE
ELEVATOR REPAIRMAN.
THE BABY.
- WHAT?
- I'M GONNA HAVE A BABY.
- I KNOW YOU'RE
GONNA HAVE A BABY.
CONGRATULATIONS.
- THAT'S NICE.
- HE'S COMING RIGHT NOW.
OHH, OHH!
- WAIT A MINUTE.
- WAIT, WAIT!
- SHE CAN'T HAVE
NO BABY HERE, MAN.
WE DON'T GOT... WE
GOT NO HOT WATER.
- I WONDER WHAT MY DAD
WOULD SAY AT A TIME LIKE THIS.
- HELP ME!
EXCUSE ME.
HELP ME!
THERE'S A TEENAGER
IN TROUBLE HERE.
- NO, THAT DON'T
SOUND LIKE MY DADDY.
- HELP ME!
HELP ME!
THERE IS A TEENAGER
IN TROUBLE HERE.
- THAT SOUNDS LIKE MY DADDY.
- OH MY.
OH, SIDNEY, WHAT
ARE WE GONNA DO?
- MYRNA, WHY CAN'T
YOU HAVE YOUR BABIES
LIKE ORDINARY NORMAL PEOPLE?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT ME
IN A PREDICAMENT LIKE THIS?
- SURE, ALWAYS
THINK OF YOURSELF.
YOU NEVER THINK OF ME, DO YOU?
- SWEETHEART, IF I
NEVER THOUGHT OF YOU,
WOULD YOU BE IN THIS CONDITION?
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
EVERYBODY, QUIET!
QUIET, EVERYBODY!
- OH, WILL YOU STOP IT?
I'M THE ONE IN CHARGE
HERE. I'M THE MEDICAL PERSON.
- AH-OH.
- I CAN'T LOOK. IS IT BORN YET?
- NO, IT'S NOT BORN YET.
LOOK, I'M GONNA
CALL NURSE BONNIE.
WE'LL BE OUT OF HERE IN NO TIME.
- OH, WE'D BETTER BE BECAUSE
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT WE GOT.
NO TIME.
- NURSE BONNIE. LISTEN,
WE'RE IN THE ELEVATOR NOW
AND WE'RE IN A TERRIBLE FIX
AND WE'RE GONNA
HAVE A BABY AND EVERY...
IT'S VINNIE BARBARINO.
NO, I MUST HAVE GOT
THE WRONG NUMBER.
NO, I WOULD LIKE TO
TAKE RUMBA LESSONS
BUT NOT AT THIS MOMENT.
- HELLO?
NO, BARBARINO, I DO
NOT GIVE RUMBA LESSONS.
I KNOW YOU'RE STUCK.
THE REPAIRMAN'S ON
HIS WAY UP TO THE ROOF.
SHE'S GIVING BIRTH NOW?
OH, NOW YOU JUST CALM
THAT POOR WOMAN DOWN
AND TELL HER NOT TO CRY.
ALL RIGHT, THEN TELL
ARNOLD HORSHACK NOT TO CRY.
LISTEN, NOW. STAY ON THE PHONE
BECAUSE I'M GONNA
PUT A DOCTOR ON
BECAUSE YOU JUST MAY
HAVE TO DELIVER THIS BABY.
- HA, OKAY, FINE.
LOOK, MISS...
- MRS.
- MRS.
LOOK, WE'RE GONNA HAVE
TO HAVE A BABY TOGETHER
AND I THINK WE SHOULD
INTRODUCE OURSELVES.
MY NAME'S VINNIE BARBARINO.
- MYRNA FISHBEIN.
- ARNOLD HORSHACK.
MANY HAPPY RETURNS
OF THE DAY, I'M SURE.
- AND THIS IS MY
HUSBAND, SIDNEY.
Together: SIDNEY!
- OH-OHH!
- IS IT BORN YET?
- SPORT, LET ME
ASK YOU SOMETHING.
HAVE YOU HAD MUCH
EXPERIENCE IN DELIVERY?
- YEAH, I DELIVERED
DRY CLEANING.
- WELL, THERE'S NOTHING
TO WORRY ABOUT.
I'M AN OLD HAND AT THIS.
HA, HA, HA. OH, OHH, OHH.
- I'M GONNA GET THE
DOCTOR ON THE PHONE.
- NO PROBLEM, NO PROBLEM.
WE'VE DONE THIS
MANY TIMES BEFORE.
SEVEN TIMES, TO BE
EXACT, HUH, MYRNA?
- SIDNEY, I'M TRYING TO RELAX.
DON'T REMIND ME THAT I'VE
ALREADY GOT SEVEN CHILDREN.
- AH, C'MON, MYRNA,
THEY'RE ALL GREAT KIDS
AND THIS ISN'T THE WORST
PLACE YOU EVER GAVE BIRTH.
TAKE OUR FOURTH KID.
HE WAS BORN IN SHEA
STADIUM, ON THE 50-YARD LINE.
SO WE CALL HIM BROADWAY JOE.
- BROADWAY JOE FISHBEIN?
YEAH, IT'S VERY ORIGINAL.
- MM-HM.
OOH, HE'S A GREAT
ATHLETE THAT KID,
BUT NOT AS GOOD AS
HIS BROTHER MUHAMMAD.
- MUHAMMAD FISHBEIN?
- YEAH. BORN RINGSIDE.
THE ALI-NORTON FIGHT.
SO AN ELEVATOR, BIG DEAL.
- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA
NAME THIS KID, OTIS?
- WE CAN HANDLE IT, HUH, MYRNA?
ALL THIS TALK ABOUT HOW
TOUGH IT IS TO HAVE A BABY
IS JUST A LOT OF MALARKEY.
- EASY FOR YOU TO SAY.
WHEN THE GOING GETS
ROUGH, YOU TAKE OFF.
SIDNEY THINKS A MAN'S
PLACE DURING CHILDBIRTH
IS WITH HIS BARTENDER.
- GUY'S GONNA HAVE A HARD TIME
GETTING OUT OF
THIS ONE, HUH, SID?
- OHH, OHH.
- OHHH!
- WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
- QUICK THINKING, HUH, SID?
- THE PRIDE OF THE YANKEES
JUST WENT DOWN FOR THE COUNT.
- ALL RIGHT.
THE DOCTOR SAYS THAT YOU
GOT TO TAKE DEEP BREATHS
IN ORDER TO FEEL BETTER.
READY?
- OHH!
- I GOT TO SEE WHAT HE SAYS.
DOCTOR, LISTEN, I GOT
TO ASK YOU A QUESTION.
LOOK, NOW, IF IT'S A BOY,
DO I GOT TO TAKE CARE
OF RELIGIOUS STUFF?
NO? OH, GOOD, GOOD.
HEY, C'MON, DOC, LOOK.
I'M IN THE MEDICAL
PROFESSION, YOU KNOW.
OH, NO, OKAY, FINE.
OH, HE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU.
COME HERE.
- HEY, LEMME GIVE YOU A HAND.
- SIT DOWN, LAY DOWN.
TAKE IT EASY. TAKE A
LOAD OFF YOUR FEET.
- THERE YOU GO.
- IT'S OKAY.
- HELLO, DOCTOR?
YEAH, THE CONTRACTIONS
ARE ABOUT A MINUTE APART.
NO, THE OTHER BIRTHS WERE
ALL NORMAL, NO COMPLICATIONS.
- OH, HELLO, NURSE BONNIE.
YES, WE HAVE MEDICAL INSURANCE.
MY SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER?
IS THAT NECESSARY RIGHT NOW?
521-460... OHH.
AHH.
- C'MON, HANG IN
THERE. I'M WITH YOU.
- MATERNITY ELEVATOR.
VINNIE, IT'S FOR YOU.
- HANG ON TO MY CALLS.
- BARBARINO, BARBARINO!
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
OKAY, CLEAR THE WAY, EVERYBODY.
OUT OF THE WAY,
C'MON, CLEAR THE WAY.
HERE WE GO.
BARBARINO, YOU
GET OUT OF THE WAY.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS.
- HEY, I CAN HELP YOU WITH IT.
- GO AWAY.
- HEY, YOU'RE WELCOME!
OH, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, BUT
REALLY IT WAS NOTHING.
NOTHING, REALLY.
WHAT'S THAT, MR. CRONKITE?
OH, YOU WANT TO GIVE
ME THE KEY TO THE CITY?
OH, THANK YOU.
THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
BUT IT WAS REALLY NOTHING.
IT WAS, YOU KNOW,
JUST THE AVERAGE DAY
IN AN AVERAGE ORDERLY'S LIFE.
YOU KNOW, THE
ELEVATOR GETS STUCK,
YOU DELIVER A BABY.
I WAS IGNORED.
OH, BARBARA WALTERS, REALLY, NO,
I'VE LOVE TO GO
TO DINNER WITH YOU
BUT I JUST CAN'T.
I... REALLY, I GOT MORE
IMPORTANT THINGS
TO DO RIGHT NOW.
LIKE TILE HYGIENE.
- VINNIE!
OH, VINNIE!
VINNIE, OH, WAIT
'TIL YOU SEE HIM.
HE'S ALL PINK AND HEALTHY
AND READY TO FACE THE WORLD
LIKE A BRAVE LITTLE SOLDIER.
- OH, THAT'S GOOD,
THE BABY'S OKAY?
- I DON'T KNOW.
I'M TALKING ABOUT MR. FISHBEIN.
- HEY, VINNIE, LET ME
TELL YOU SOMETHING.
IF I WAS YOU, I'D GET
OUT OF TOWN RIGHT AWAY.
I JUST GOT A LOOK AT THAT KID.
THE KID'S ALL RED,
WRINKLED AND DISTORTED.
IT KINDA LOOKS LIKE A LITTLE
MR. WOODMAN, YOU KNOW?
- YOU KNOW, COME TO THINK OF IT,
MR. WOODMAN LOOKS
LIKE A LITTLE MR. WOODMAN.
- YEAH, C'MON, LET'S GO
AND SEE THE BABY AGAIN.
- OH, YEAH, I LOVE BABIES.
- HEY, VINNIE,
CHECK IT OUT, BRO.
THE DOCTOR SAID THAT
THE KID IS PERFECT.
HE SAID HE COULDN'T HAVE
DONE A BETTER JOB HIMSELF.
YOU DID GOOD.
- YOU WERE GREAT.
WE'RE ALL PROUD OF YOU, VINNIE.
- YEAH, WELL,
THANKS, MR. CRONKITE
BUT IT'S JUST AN AVERAGE
DAY IN AVERAGE ORDERLY'S LIFE.
- WALTER CRONKITE?
HEY, VINNIE, YOU BEEN
SNIFFING MOP & GLO AGAIN?
- NO. IT'S JUST THAT, YOU KNOW,
I TRY REAL HARD TO DO SOMETHING
TO IMPRESS NURSE BONNIE
AND I GET IGNORED, YOU KNOW?
- HEY, LOOK, NOBODY'S
IGNORING YOU.
LOOK, JUST GIVE 'EM A
CHANCE AND THEY'RE GONNA...
LOOK, HERE COMES
MR. FISHBEIN NOW.
STAND BACK AND REAP YOUR REWARD.
- WHAT A WONDERFUL DAY.
A WONDERFUL DAY!
- WHAT'D I TELL YA?
- THE JETS WON.
17 TO 14, PULLED IT
OUT AT THE LAST MINUTE.
OH, LISTEN, I WANT TO THANK YOU
FOR EVERYTHING YOU'VE
DONE, EVERYTHING.
AND TO SHOW OUR APPRECIATION,
WE WANT TO NAME
THE BABY AFTER YOU.
SO WHAT'S YOUR NAME AGAIN?
- VINNIE. VINNIE BARBARINO.
- VINNIE.
VINNIE FISHBEIN.
YOU PLAY BASEBALL?
- YEAH.
- WHAT POSITION?
- I USED TO PLAY RIGHT FIELD.
- GREAT.
IN YOUR HONOR, WE'RE
GONNA NAME THE KID REGGIE.
REGGIE FISHBEIN.
DON'T THAT HAVE A RING TO IT?
REGGIE FISHBEIN.
- SEE THAT?
I DELIVERED A GUY'S
BABY AND HE NAMES HIM
AFTER A CANDY BAR.
NOTHING EVER CHANGES.
- HEY, VINNIE.
THINGS DO CHANGE, MAN.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, MAN.
THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT.
THAT DON'T MATTER.
YOU KNOW WHAT MATTERS?
WHAT MATTERS IS THE
WAY NURSE BONNIE'S
GONNA BE TREATING
YOU FROM NOW ON.
CHECK IT OUT, MAN.
SHE'LL WORSHIP THE
GROUND YOU MOP ON.
BARBARINO? Barbarino: YEAH?
- I WANT YOU TO STOP
ENTERTAINING THESE DELINQUENTS.
I'VE GOT WORK FOR YOU TO DO.
OUT, OUT!
- I WAS LEAVING ANYWAY, BABY.
- I WANT YOU TO TAKE
THE MOP AND THE PAIL
AND PUT THEM IN THE CLOSET.
BECAUSE YOU'RE
WORKING IN EMERGENCY.
- YOU'RE KIDDING?
- WELL, BARBARINO, IF I'D KNOWN
YOU WERE GONNA DO THAT,
I'D HAVE GIVEN YOU THIS
ASSIGNMENT SOONER.
- AHHH.
WHAT A REWARDING
EXPERIENCE, YOU KNOW?
BRINGING A NEW
LIFE INTO THE WORLD.
- WHO ARE YOU KIDDING, ARNOLD?
MRS. FISHBEIN BROUGHT
A LIFE INTO THE WORLD.
WE WERE MORE WORRIED
ABOUT BRINGING YOU BACK TO LIFE.
- HA, HA, HA, HA.
THAT'S NOT TRUE, BEAUREGAHHHG.
- C'MON, C'MON, ARNIE,
YOU WERE TURNING
ALL KINDS OF COLORS, HUH?
I MEAN, FOR A WHILE
THERE YOU LOOKED
LIKE THE JOLLY GREEN MIDWIFE.
- HA, HA!
THAT'S RIGHT, ARNOLD, MAN.
YOUR EYES WERE SO
BUGGED OUT THAT IT TOOK
TWO OF US TO HELP YOU BLINK.
HA, HA!
- WELL, LISTEN TO YOU.
YOU HELPED DELIVER ONE
BABY AND YOU THINK YOU KNOW
MR. STORK PERSONALLY.
- I COULD DO IT AGAIN,
MAN, JUST GIVE...
- GUYS, WE GOT THE
BABY CLEANED UP.
WE CAN LOOK AT IT
THROUGH THE WINDOW.
- ALL RIGHT, LET'S
CHECK OUT THE BABY.
RIGHT ON.
- HEY, UM, LOOK, WHY
DON'T WE WALK UP?
IT'D BE GOOD FOR THE EXERCISE.
YEAH.
- SURE, SURE, IT'S
ONLY NINE FLOORS.
- YEAH, WE'LL TAKE
THE SCENIC ROUTE.
- YEAH, I'LL MAKE SURE
YOU DON'T GET LOST.
- SO?
IS THIS YOUR FIRST BABY?
THERE'S REALLY NOTHING TO IT.
I HAVE FOUND IN MY EXPERIENCE
THAT IF YOU DO
HEAVY BREATHING...
BREATHE IN AND OUT,
IT'S MUCH BETTER.
YOU WANT TO TRY IT.
IN WITH THE GOOD AIR.
OUT WITH THE BAD AIR.
IN WITH... THAT'S IT.
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED ♪
♪ SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS
HAVE REMAINED ♪
♪ AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA? ♪
♪ ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WE ALWAYS COULD
SPOT A FRIEND ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ AND I SMILE WHEN I THINK
HOW YOU MUST HAVE BEEN ♪
♪ AND I KNOW WHEN IT
SEEMED YOU WERE TURNIN' IN ♪
♪ WAS THERE SOMETHIN' THAT
MADE YOU COME BACK AGAIN ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA? ♪
♪ ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪