Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 3, Episode 19 - Epstein's Term Paper - full transcript
The sweathogs purchase term papers from a couple of local hoods. Kotter recognizes Epstein's paper as one he himself had handed in years ago.
- HERE YOU ARE, KOTTER.
- OH, MR. WOODMAN,
I EVER TELL YOU ABOUT
MY UNCLE MOREAU?
HE WAS A BIOLOGIST.
ONE TIME HE CROSSED A
TARANTULA AND A HORSE.
- WHAT DID HE GET?
- HE DOESN'T KNOW,
BUT IF IT BITES YOU,
YOU CAN RIDE IT TO THE DOCTOR.
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES HAVE ALL
CHANGED SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ AND WHO'D HAVE
THOUGHT THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASED HIM A LOT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
- HEY, EPSTEIN.
EPSTEIN, COME HERE.
WHAT'S TAKIN' HIM SO LONG, HUH?
HEY, LOOK, YOU SURE
CARVELLI'S GONNA SHOW UP, HUH?
- SURE, SURE I'M SURE.
- WELL, I CAN'T STAND
OUT IN THIS COLD
MUCH LONGER, YOU KNOW.
MY AFRO'S LIABLE TO
FREEZE AND SNAP OFF.
- HEY, LOOK, CARVELLI'S
ROTTEN BUT THE MAN IS RELIABLE.
- HEY, LOOK, YOU SURE MR. KOTTER
DON'T KNOW NOTHIN' ABOUT THIS?
- HE DON'T KNOW
NOTHIN' ABOUT THIS.
- WELL, I JUST HOPE CARVELLI'S
BRINGING ENOUGH TERM PAPERS
FOR ALL OF US GUYS TO PASS.
- YEP. FIVE BUCKS APIECE.
THEY'RE ALL GUARANTEED A'S.
- TOP QUALITY, HUH?
- YOU BET. JUST THE TOP.
- HI, THERE.
- HI, THERE.
OH.
HI, THERE.
- BYE, THERE.
- WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH FREDDIE?
DOES IT HAVE SOMETHING
TO DO WITH MY DEODORANT?
- WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' HERE?
- I WORK HERE.
- WELL, I... I BET
YOU'D LIKE TO BE
UP IN YOUR CLASSROOM RIGHT NOW
PREPARIN' FOR YOUR CLASSES, HUH?
I MEAN, A TEACHER
LIKE YOU MUST PREPARE
15, 20 MINUTES
JUST FOR ONE CLASS.
LOOK, I KNOW I GO
INTO YOUR CLASS,
YOU ARE ONE PREPARED...
- EPSTEIN! Epstein:
I NEVER SEEN...
- I'M GOIN' UPSTAIRS RIGHT
NOW! ARE YOU COMING?
- UH, NO. NO.
I'M GONNA STAND HERE
AND, UH, BREAK IN A
NEW PAIR OF SOCKS.
- OH, WELL, COME ON.
CLASS STARTS IN
A COUPLE MINUTES.
Epstein: YEAH, YEAH.
- WELL, WELL, WELL.
EPSTEIN.
THE MAN WHO PUT THE
"SWEAT" INTO "SWEATHOG."
- HEAR THAT, EPSTEIN?
CARVELLI SAY YOU PUT THE
"SWEAT" IN "SWEATHOGS."
- I HEARD HIM, MURRAY.
LOOK, YOU GOT THE TERM PAPERS?
- YEAH, I GOT... I GOT A
MORE IMPORTANT QUESTION.
HAVE YOU GOT THE MONEY?
- YEAH, I GOT TWENTY BUCKS.
I WANT FOUR OF 'EM.
- YEAH, YOU SURE?
BECAUSE FOR ANOTHER FIVE BUCKS
YOU CAN HAVE YOUR
TEACHER PUSHED UNDER A BUS.
- AND, UH, FOR AN EXTRA TEN, I
MAKE IT LOOK LIKE AN ACCIDENT.
- THAT'S CUTE,
MURRAY. I LIKE THAT.
- AW, COME ON.
COME ON. HURRY UP.
I DON'T WANT NOBODY
TO SEE ME HERE TALKIN'.
I FEEL DISGUSTIN'
WHAT I'M DOIN'.
I FEEL SICK INSIDE.
- YEAH, YEAH. I HEARD
THAT BEFORE, SURE.
ALRIGHT, LET'S SEE.
EPSTEIN.
YOUR CATEGORY WAS
SOCIAL STUDIES FOR $20.
HEH! IT SOUNDS LIKE A
GAME SHOW, DON'T IT?
- YOU HEAR THAT, EPSTEIN?
CARVELLI WANTS TO KNOW IF
IT SOUNDS LIKE A GAME SHOW.
- SURE, I'LL TAKE
PAUL LINN TO BLOCK.
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
COME ON. COME ON,
MURRAY. LET'S... LET'S GO HERE.
LET'S SHOW MR. EPSTEIN
OUR IMPRESSIVE LINE OF,
UH, TERM PAPERS.
ALL RIGHT, I THINK
YOU'RE GONNA LIKE THIS.
AW, THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL ONE.
THE REAL STORY OF JOAN OF ARC."
TAKE A LOOK.
IT'S A GOOD PAPER.
IT'S A STRONG PAPER.
A LOT OF VOWELS.
YOU'LL LIKE IT.
- YOU SURE THESE PAPERS
IS ON THE UP-AND-UP?
- HEY! HEY, HEY. COME ON!
THESE PAPERS ARE GUARANTEED
OR YOUR MONEY BACK.
- AW, THAT'S WHAT I LIKE
ABOUT YOU, CARVELLI.
YOU STAND BEHIND WHAT YOU STEAL.
- HEY, WHAT'S HAPPENIN' MIKEY?
- AND WALK.
- HEY, I GOT 'EM.
I... I GOT 'EM.
- WHAT ARE THEY ON?
WHAT ARE THEY ON?
- YEAH.
- NOW, FREDDIE, YOU
GOT "THE DUST BOWL."
- HEY, EPSTEIN,
I CAN'T DO NO TERM
PAPER ON DUST.
I HATE DUST.
BESIDES, DUST KILLED
MY GREAT GRANDMOTHER.
- WHAT?
DUST KILLED YOUR
GREAT GRANDMOTHER?
- AW, NO, FREDDIE.
TELL ME IT AIN'T SO.
- OKAY, I'M GONNA TELL Y'ALL.
I'M GONNA TELL YOU
JUST HOW IT HAPPENED.
SEE, ONE DAY MY GREAT
GRANNY WAS SHAKIN' HER MOP
OUT A WINDOW...
- UH-HUH.
- YEAH.
- WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN,
THIS BIG, POWERFUL
GUST OF WIND CAME IN
AND SUCKED HER AND
THE MOP STRAIGHT UP
AND TOOK 'EM CLEAR
OVER TO NEW JERSEY.
- YOU LYIN'.
- WOULD YOU BELIEVE
PENNSYLVANIA?
- NOW, HERE.
NOW THAT WE GOT THAT
SETTLED, HERE VINNIE,
YOU GOT "THE GREAT
IRISH POTATO FAMINE."
- "THE GREAT IRISH
POTATO FAMINE"?
WHAT'S... WHAT'S SO GOOD ABOUT
A GREAT IRISH POTATO FAMINE?
- WELL, I KNOW... I KNOW
WHAT THAT WAS ABOUT.
I KNOW THAT ONE.
THAT'S WHEN THE WHOLE
COUNTRY RAN OUT OF POTATOES.
- THE WHOLE COUNTRY
RAN OUT OF POTATOES?
- YEAH.
- IMAGINE ALL THE
BUTTER AND SOUR CREAM
THAT WAS LEFT THERE?
- WELL, SPEAKIN' OF SOUR CREAM,
WHERE'S ARNOLD HORSHACK?
- UH, ARNOLD IS ALREADY IN THERE
HAVING HIS CONFERENCE
WITH MR. KOTTER.
- SO, ARNOLD, HAVE YOU
DECIDED WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO
YOUR TERM PAPER ON?
- SO, MR. KOTTER,
HOW'S THE FAMILY?
- FINE. EVERYBODY'S FINE.
ARNOLD, I THINK AN
INTERESTING SUBJECT...
- THE TWINS ARE GETTIN' BIG.
- YEAH, THEY'RE
GROWIN' EVERY DAY.
YOU KNOW, ARNOLD,
I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU DO
SOMETHING DIFFERENT...
- AND AIN'T IT AMAZING HOW FAST
MRS. KOTTER GOT HER FIGURE BACK?
- AMAZING.
- YOU TOO.
- ARNOLD, ARE YOU GONNA DO
A TERM PAPER ON MY FAMILY?
- HEY, MR. KOTTER, I GOTTA
GO TO THE BATHROOM.
- I'M GLAD EPSTEIN REMINDED YOU.
- DON'T GO AWAY. OKAY?
- I'LL BE HERE.
- EPSTEIN, I DON'T
WANT TO BE PUSHY,
BUT WOULD YOU MIND TELLING ME
WHAT I'M DOING MY TERM PAPER ON?
- SURE.
YOU GOT "JOSEPH
STALIN AND THE PURGES."
- WHO WERE THE PURGES?
- UH, I THINK THEY WAS
JOE'S BACKUP GROUP.
- YEAH, YEAH. THEY HAD
A BIG HIT AWHILE BACK
CALLED "THE VOLGA BOATMEN."
- "THE VOLGA BOATMEN"?
OH, I HATE "THE VOLGA BOATMEN."
Freddie: WHY?
- BECAUSE ON THE
STATEN ISLAND FERRY
YOU SEE 'EM ALL THE TIME.
THEY'RE DIRTY, THEY TALK DIRTY,
THEY SPIT ON THEMSELVES.
IT'S DISGUSTING. I HATE 'EM.
- HI, GUYS.
- HEY, ANGIE, WHAT'S HAPPENIN'?
- HI, ANGIE.
- HAVE YOU STARTED
YOUR TERM PAPER YET?
- YEAH, I ALREADY FINISHED MINE.
LOOKIT, RIGHT HERE.
- OH, I WAS THINKING ABOUT
DOING MINE ON MARILYN MONROE.
- WHY STOP THERE?
WHY NOT DO ALL OF
THOSE BLEACHED BLONDES
AND CALL IT "ROOTS"?
- THANKS.
- LISTEN, LITTLE JUAN,
I JUST DON'T FEEL RIGHT
ABOUT THIS WHOLE THING.
I MEAN, TURNING IN
SOMEBODY ELSE'S TERM PAPER.
THAT'S NOT RIGHT.
I'M SORRY, BUT...
- COME ON, ARNOLD HORSHACK.
IT'S TIME YOU FACED
THE FACTS OF LIFE.
NOT THOSE FACTS.
COME ON, IDIOT.
NOW LOOK, IT'S BETTER
TO CHEAT WITH HONOR
THAN FAIL WITH DISGRACE.
ALL RIGHT, NOW I WANT
YOU TO GET BACK IN THERE...
- YEAH?
- AND I WANT YOU TO
REMEMBER ONE THING FOR ME.
- WHAT?
- JOSEPH STALIN.
- JOSEPH...
- YOU SAY IT.
- JOSEPH STALIN.
- THAT'S IT. HE GOT IT.
- JOSEPH STA... WOULD YOU
REPEAT THAT FOR ME? REFRESH...
- WILL YOU GET IN THERE?
- EVERYTHING OKAY, ARNOLD?
- JOSEPH STALIN!
- WAS HE IN THE BATHROOM
WITH YOU AND EPSTEIN?
MR. KOTTER!
THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO DO MY
TERM PAPER ON: JOSEPH STALIN.
OH, I ADMIRE JOSEPH STALIN.
- ARNOLD, IF YOU WANT TO
DO A TERM PAPER ON STALIN,
THAT'S FINE.
LET'S NOT ADMIRE THE MAN.
HE SENT 25 MILLION INNOCENT
MEN, WOMEN, AND CHILDREN
TO LABOR CAMPS IN SIBERIA.
WHAT DO YOU ADMIRE ABOUT THAT?
- THE TRAINS.
HE ALWAYS GOT
THEM THERE ON TIME.
- ARNOLD, GO TO THE LIBRARY,
READ A LITTLE BIT
ABOUT JOSEPH STALIN.
YOU'LL FIND HIM IN
BETWEEN ATTILA THE HUN
AND JACK THE RIPPER.
- RIGHT YOU ARE, MR. KOTTER,
AND AS THEY SAY IN SIBERIA, BRR!
YEAH.
- MR. KOTTER, ARE YOU
READY TO SEE ME NOW?
- I'M READY TO SEE YOU NOW.
- GOOD, 'CAUSE I'M RUNNIN' LATE.
MR. KOTTER, I JUST
WANT TO TELL YOU
HOW EXCITED I AM ABOUT
THIS... THIS TERM PAPER.
IT'S... IT'S... IT'S ALL I
CAN THINK ABOUT LATELY.
REALLY, VINNIE? Vinnie: YEAH.
- I'M HAPPY TO SEE
YOU SO INVOLVED.
- OH, YES. I'M...
I'M REALLY INTO IT.
- WELL, WHAT SUBJECT ARE
YOU GONNA WRITE ABOUT?
- WHAT?
- WHAT SUBJECT HAVE YOU
DECIDED TO DO YOUR TERM PAPER ON?
- UM...
JUST GIVE ME A
SEC. I'LL THINK OF IT.
- DOES IT HAVE ANYTHING
TO DO WITH HISTORY?
- YEAH. OH, THE... THE... THE
GREAT FRENCH-FRIED PHANTOM.
- THE FRENCH-FRIED PHANTOM?
- YEAH. I JUST HEARD THE NEWS.
NO POTATOES.
I THINK... I THINK
IT HAPPENED IN...
IN ENGLAND OR IRELAND,
SOMEPLACE WHERE THEY
SPEAK ENGLISH REALLY FUNNY.
- AS OPPOSED TO BROOKLYN,
WHERE WE SPEAK IT PERFECTLY.
- YES.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT, FRENCH-FRIED PHANTOM?
- THE PHANTOM, YOU KNOW,
WHEN YOU CAN'T
GET NOTHIN' TO EAT,
YOU GOT A PHANTOM.
- FAMINE!
FAMINE! THE FRENCH-FRY FAMINE?
IRISH POTATO FAMINE?
- YEAH, THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT.
IT'S... IT'S THE SAME THING.
I JUST SAID IT A
LITTLE DIFFERENT.
- OF COURSE, IT'S
THE SAME THING:
FRENCH-FRIED PHANTOM,
IRISH POTATO FAMINE.
- MUST'VE BEEN REALLY
TERRIBLE, HUH, MR. KOTTER?
I MEAN, IMAGINE GOING
TO A PLACE IN A COUNTRY,
YOU COULD ORDER A HAMBURGER
AND GET A SIDE ORDER OF NOTHING.
- HI THERE, SWEET STUFF.
- HOW YOU DOING,
MY SPICY PUMPKIN?
- I'M IN A GREAT
MOOD TODAY, KOTTER.
DID YOU SEE THAT NEW
SPANISH TEACHER I HIRED?
- OH, YEAH. I JUST
SAW HER IN THE HALL.
SHE'S A LITTLE DIFFICULT
TO UNDERSTAND, ISN'T SHE?
- SHE TALKS A LOT BETTER
WHEN SHE TAKES THE
ROSE OUT OF HER MOUTH.
WHENEVER SHE SPEAKS,
I CAN ALMOST HEAR
THE SOUND OF...
CASTANETS.
- I THINK IT'S LOOSE DENTURES.
- WHAT HAPPENED TO THE
FIRE IN YOUR SOUL, KOTTER?
- OH, DON'T MIND
ME, MR. WOODMAN,
MY PILOT LIGHT JUST WENT OUT.
- FIRE!
OLE!
HELLO, JULIE.
- WHAT'S WITH HIM?
- HE, UH, IS IN LOVE WITH
THE NEW SPANISH TEACHER.
- REALLY? DOES HE SPEAK SPANISH?
TACO AND BELL.
WHAT'S THAT?
- OH! WE'RE HAVING A PICNIC.
- A PICNIC? I THOUGHT WE
WERE GOIN' OUT TO EAT.
- OH, I THOUGHT THIS
WOULD BE MORE FUN.
- OH YEAH, THAT'S SWEET.
A PICNIC.
DID YOU BRING ANY ANTS?
- I TELL YOU WHAT.
I WON'T BRING ANY ANTS IF
YOU WON'T BRING ANY UNCLES!
- VERY FUNNY.
- HMM!
WHICH TREE SHOULD I
SPREAD THE BLANKET UNDER?
- WELL, NOT THIS ONE.
THERE'S TOO MANY
PIGEONS UP THERE.
HOW 'BOUT THE ONE OVER
THERE BY THE BEND IN THE CHAIRS?
- OKAY, HONEY. HOW'S
THE GRADING GOING?
- VERY STRANGE.
- WELL, WHAT'S SO
STRANGE ABOUT IT?
- WELL, SO FAR, EVERY PAPER
I'VE READ HAS BEEN TERRIFIC.
- WELL, WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
- JULIE, THEY ARE SWEATHOGS.
SWEATHOGS DO NOT GET A'S.
- AND WHAT ABOUT VINNIE?
- I ALWAYS SAVE
VINNIE'S FOR LAST.
HE ALWAYS READS BETTER
WHEN I'M A LITTLE TIRED.
I'D BETTER GRADE
JUAN'S WHILE WE EAT.
- OKAY.
- HE'S WRITING IT ON
FRANKLIN ROOSEVELT.
"FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT,
BY JUAN DELANO EPSTEIN."
- HERE, LET ME SEE.
- YOU KNOW, IT'S REALLY STRANGE.
WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL,
I DID MY TERM PAPER
ON FRANKLIN ROOSEVELT.
Julie: HMM.
- I CALLED HIM "A
MIGHTY WHITE KNIGHT
THAT FIGHTS FOR WHAT'S RIGHT."
- HMM.
REALLY?
SO DOES JUAN.
- "MIGHTY WHITE KNIGHT WHO
TRIED TO DO WHAT WAS RIGHT."
THIS IS IT.
THIS IS THE PAPER I
HANDED IN 11 YEARS AGO.
- HEY, EPSTEIN, WHAT
HAPPENED? HUH?
I MEAN, WHAT HAPPENED?
TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED, HUH?
THESE PAPERS HERE WAS
SUPPOSED TO BE GUARANTEED.
WHAT HAPPENED?
MR. KOTTER, HE GAVE US ALL F'S.
- YEAH, FIVE BUCKS
FOR AN "F", EPSTEIN.
I COULD'VE DONE IT FOR
FREE AND GOTTEN ONE.
- LOOK, I... I... I DON'T
KNOW WHAT WENT WRONG.
I MEAN, THESE WERE FOOLPROOF.
THEY NEVER FAILED TO
GET GOOD GRADES BEFORE.
- HE KNOWS. MR. KOTTER KNOWS.
HE KNOWS! HE KNOWS!
MR. KOTTER KNOWS!
HE KNOWS! HE KNOWS!
- ARNOLD, HE DOESN'T KNOW.
- HOW DO YOU KNOW
HE DOESN'T KNOW?
- 'CAUSE IF HE KNEW,
WE'D KNOW HE KNEW
BECAUSE IF HE KNEW
HE'D LET US KNOW.
- THAT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY.
- WELL, I DON'T CARE
IF HE KNOWS OR NOT.
ALL I KNOW IS THAT YOU
BETTER GET OUR MONEY BACK.
- ALL RIGHT, JACK. BE COOL, SLY.
I'M WORKIN' ON IT.
I'M WORKIN' ON IT.
- OH YEAH?
WORK A LITTLE HARDER.
- YEAH, WORK OVERTIME.
- YEAH!
COME ON, YOU GUYS.
- GET OUR MONEY BACK.
- HI, JUAN. HOW YOU DOING?
- I SEEN BETTER
DAYS. I SEEN WORSE.
- HOW'D YOU DO ON
YOUR TERM PAPER?
I GOT A B-MINUS.
- I SHOULD'VE BOUGHT
MINE FROM YOU.
- WELL, WELL, WELL.
YOU MUST BE THE... THE
NEW LITTLE SWEATHOGESS.
WHEN YOU GET
TIRED OF THESE GUYS,
LOOK ME UP, YOU KNOW.
- YOU HEAR THAT?
WHEN YOU GET TIRED
OF THEM, LOOK US UP.
- I WILL, IN THE YELLOW
PAGES UNDER "SLEAZEBALLS."
- THAT'S CUTE. SHE'S
REAL CUTE, YOU KNOW,
BUT SHE'D BE CUTER WITH
A MOUTHFUL OF MARBLES.
- YOU KNOW, CARVELLI,
YOU HAVE TO MOVE
UP JUST TO BE THE PITS.
- THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
- THAT'S WHAT
YOU THINK, EPSTEIN.
MY MAN, CARVELLI
DON'T HAVE TO MOVE UP.
HE'S ALREADY THE PITS.
- HEY, MURRAY, YOU KNOW,
IF YOU EVER FIND YOURSELF,
YOU'RE GOING TO BE
VERY DISAPPOINTED.
- HEY, CARVELLI.
- WHAT IS IT?
- I WANT YOU TO
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS,
'CAUSE THIS HERE, THE BUM
TERM PAPERS YOU SOLD US,
THEY ALL GOT F'S. TAKE A LOOK.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE.
THESE PAPERS ALWAYS
GOT GOOD GRADES BEFORE.
I KNOW WHAT IT IS, EPSTEIN.
I'LL TELL YOU RIGHT NOW.
YOU ARE STUPID.
SO ARE YOUR TEACHERS.
- AND DUUUUUUUMB!
- HEY, MURRAY,
STICK TO WHAT I SAY
AND DON'T PARAPHRASE, ALL RIGHT?
- HEAR THAT, EPSTEIN?
DON'T PARAPHRASE.
- YEAH, WELL, THESE PAPERS,
YOU KNOW, THEY WAS GUARANTEED
SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST
COUGH UP OUR MONEY?
- OH YEAH? OR WHAT?
- OR YOU'RE GONNA BE
COUGHING UP INTERNAL ORGANS.
- YOU THINK I'M GONNA
COUGH ORGANS?
I DON'T THINK YOU... YOU
KNOW WHO YOU'RE SPEAKING TO.
- ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?
- NO, I'M TALKING TO
THE BUSHES OVER THERE.
- WELL, YOU MUST
BE TALKING TO ME
'CAUSE THERE AIN'T
NOBODY ELSE HERE.
- AW, YEAH, THAT'S REALLY FUNNY.
- LEG TO STAND ON.
- HEY, HEY, HEY.
WHAT'S GOIN' ON?
- NOTHIN', NOTHIN' NOTHIN'.
HEY, THAT'S A NICE
COAT. USE ANOTHER ONE?
- I'LL LET YOU KNOW.
YOU GUYS, UH, HELPIN' EACH OTHER
WITH YOUR GEOMETRY HOMEWORK?
- YEAH, YEAH,
THAT'S IT: GEOMETRY.
- COME ON, WE GOTTA
GO, WE GOTTA GO.
LET'S GO, LITTLE OBTUSE.
LET'S GO GET LITTLE HYPOTENUSE.
OBTUSE HYPOTENUSE!
- HEY, MR. KOTTER, DO YOU
MIND IF I ASK YOU A QUESTION?
- NO, GO AHEAD, JUAN.
- HOW COME THESE PERFECTLY
GOOD TERM PAPERS GOT F'S?
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE COMPLAINING ABOUT.
THEY'RE PERFECTLY GOOD F'S.
BESIDES, YOU DIDN'T
WRITE THEM YOURSELVES.
IN FACT, I THINK
YOU BOUGHT THEM.
- YOU'RE ACCUSING
ME, JUAN EPSTEIN,
A PERFECTLY GOOD
AND UPSTANDING CITIZEN
OF THIS HERE COMMUNITY
OF... OF CHEATIN'?
I'M AT A LOSS FOR WORDS.
- THE PAPER YOU HANDED IN
WAS ONE I HANDED
IN 11 YEARS AGO.
- IT'S A SMALL WORLD, ISN'T IT?
WELL, LOOK, YOU AIN'T
GONNA GET IT OUT OF ME
WHO I GOT 'EM FROM.
I MEAN, THAT WOULD
BE RATTIN', RIGHT?
AND EVEN THOUGH I'D BE
RATTIN' ON A DIRTY, ROTTEN FINK,
I JUST AIN'T GONNA TELL YA.
- WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO RAT ON ANYBODY, JUAN.
I ALREADY KNOW IT WAS CARVELLI.
- GOOD. WANNA KNOW
WHERE HE LIVES?
- DON'T HAVE TO
TELL ME THAT, JUAN.
HONORABLE FATHER ALREADY
KNOW WHERE HE LIVES.
- GEE, POP, YOU KNOW EVERYTHING.
- HONORABLE FATHER VERY
SMART, NUMBER ONE SON.
BUY XEROX AT 42.
SELL IT AT 43.
- HOW DID YOU FIGURE
ON CARVELLI, POP?
- AH, GOOD QUESTION,
NUMBER ONE SON.
OLD CHINESE PROVERB:
MAN WHO TRY TO
PULL WOOL OVER EYES
WIND UP WITH SHEEP ON FACE.
- PSST! HEY, EPSTEIN.
EPSTEIN.
- CARVELLI, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING...?
- SHH! EPSTEIN, I'M
OUTTA BUSINESS.
HALF OF BROOKLYN'S
OUT TO BREAK MY FACE.
WHAT'S THE STORY, EPSTEIN?
- LOOK, KOTTER BLEW THE
WHISTLE ON THE PHONY PAPER SCAM.
THE MAN KNEW ALL ALONG.
- OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
- YEAH, HE PASSED OUT A
LIST OF ALL THE PHONY PAPERS
TO ALL THE TEACHERS
IN THE DISTRICT.
- THAT DIRTY RAT.
- EVERY TIME ONE
OF THEM TURNS UP,
THEY GET A BIG F.
- THAT GUY'S THE LOWEST.
I NEVER HEARD OF ANYTHING
SO DIRTY OR ROTTEN
OR UNDERHANDED.
COULD USE A GUY LIKE THAT.
- SO, WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA DO WITH YOURSELF
NOW THAT THE HEAT'S ON?
- I DON'T KNOW. I THINK MAYBE
I'LL, UH, STEAL A MOTOR HOME
AND JUST SLEEP UNTIL
THE HEAT'S OFF, YOU KNOW.
SEE YA LATER.
- SEE YA.
DON'T FORGET TO
BACK OVER YOURSELF.
- EPSTEIN, I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
COME ON.
ALL RIGHT, NOW I HAVE DECIDED
TO GIVE ALL YOU GUYS
ONE MORE CHANCE.
NOW, COUNT IT: ONE.
All: ONE.
- I WANT YOU TO MAKE SURE
YOU DO YOUR TERM PAPERS
YOURSELVES THIS TIME.
- ALL RIGHT, BUT MR. KOTTER,
CAN I STILL DO THE
POTATO FAMINE?
- OH, I DON'T THINK SO, VINNIE.
- MR. KOTTER, I'LL DO
IT DIFFERENT THIS TIME.
I'LL... I'LL... I'LL DO IT
FROM THE POINT OF
VIEW OF THE POTATO.
- MAKE SURE YOU GO TO
THE LIBRARY THIS TIME, OKAY?
- I MEAN, LIKE, WHAT FOR?
NOBODY AIN'T SELLIN' NO
TERM PAPERS THERE, RIGHT?
JUST... JUST KIDDIN'. FOOLIN'.
- WELL, I FOR ONE AM VERY HAPPY
TO VINDICATE MYSELF, MR. KOTTER,
AND I'VE EVEN MADE
UP MY OWN TOPIC:
THE STORY OF A MAN ALL
WRAPPED UP IN HIMSELF."
- HEY, MR. KOTTER,
HOW COME YOU GONNA
GIVE US A SECOND CHANCE?
HUH? HOW COME?
- YEAH. WHY YOU DOIN' THIS, MAN?
- WHY YOU CHANGE
YOUR MIND ON US?
- WELL, I TOLD YOU GUYS THAT
WHEN I WENT TO SCHOOL HERE
I HANDED IN THAT TERM PAPER?
Vinnie: MMM-HMM. Epstein: YEAH.
- BUT,
I NEVER SAID I WROTE IT.
- HE IS KIDDING US, ISN'T HE?
- AW, HE MUST BE KIDDING.
HE WOULD NEVER DO
ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
- OH, YES HE WOULD,
ARNOLD HORSHACK.
HE WASN'T KIDDIN'.
- KIDDIN' ABOUT WHAT?
- WHAT'S THE MATTER?
YOU GOT NO BRAINS...
- SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
- I'M SO CONFUSED!
- COME ON!
- HI, HONEY.
- HI. ANOTHER PICNIC?
- THE OTHER ONE
WENT OVER SO GREAT,
I THOUGHT YOU
DESERVED ANOTHER ONE.
- OKAY, BUT THIS TIME I GOTTA
BRING ONE OF MY UNCLES.
OKAY, WHICH ONE.
- MY UNCLE JOE.
- THE DRUNK!
- THAT'S RIGHT, MY
UNCLE JOE THE DRUNK.
NOW, ONE TIME HE WAS IN A
BAR, HE'S MAKIN' A LOT OF NOISE,
AND THIS WOMAN COMES
OVER AND SHE SAYS,
"SIR, YOU ARE A DRUNK
AND YOU'RE MAKING
TOO MUCH NOISE."
- WHAT DID HE SAY?
- HE SAID, "MY DEAR
WOMAN, YOU'RE UGLY."
AND SHE SAYS, "WELL,
YOU ARE THE DRUNKEST MAN
I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE."
AND HE SAYS...
- AND HE SAYS, "BUT I'LL WAKE
UP TOMORROW MORNING SOBER
AND YOU'LL STILL BE UGLY."
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED ♪
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS
HAVE REMAINED ♪
♪ AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA? ♪
♪ ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
- OH, MR. WOODMAN,
I EVER TELL YOU ABOUT
MY UNCLE MOREAU?
HE WAS A BIOLOGIST.
ONE TIME HE CROSSED A
TARANTULA AND A HORSE.
- WHAT DID HE GET?
- HE DOESN'T KNOW,
BUT IF IT BITES YOU,
YOU CAN RIDE IT TO THE DOCTOR.
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES HAVE ALL
CHANGED SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ AND WHO'D HAVE
THOUGHT THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASED HIM A LOT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
- HEY, EPSTEIN.
EPSTEIN, COME HERE.
WHAT'S TAKIN' HIM SO LONG, HUH?
HEY, LOOK, YOU SURE
CARVELLI'S GONNA SHOW UP, HUH?
- SURE, SURE I'M SURE.
- WELL, I CAN'T STAND
OUT IN THIS COLD
MUCH LONGER, YOU KNOW.
MY AFRO'S LIABLE TO
FREEZE AND SNAP OFF.
- HEY, LOOK, CARVELLI'S
ROTTEN BUT THE MAN IS RELIABLE.
- HEY, LOOK, YOU SURE MR. KOTTER
DON'T KNOW NOTHIN' ABOUT THIS?
- HE DON'T KNOW
NOTHIN' ABOUT THIS.
- WELL, I JUST HOPE CARVELLI'S
BRINGING ENOUGH TERM PAPERS
FOR ALL OF US GUYS TO PASS.
- YEP. FIVE BUCKS APIECE.
THEY'RE ALL GUARANTEED A'S.
- TOP QUALITY, HUH?
- YOU BET. JUST THE TOP.
- HI, THERE.
- HI, THERE.
OH.
HI, THERE.
- BYE, THERE.
- WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH FREDDIE?
DOES IT HAVE SOMETHING
TO DO WITH MY DEODORANT?
- WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' HERE?
- I WORK HERE.
- WELL, I... I BET
YOU'D LIKE TO BE
UP IN YOUR CLASSROOM RIGHT NOW
PREPARIN' FOR YOUR CLASSES, HUH?
I MEAN, A TEACHER
LIKE YOU MUST PREPARE
15, 20 MINUTES
JUST FOR ONE CLASS.
LOOK, I KNOW I GO
INTO YOUR CLASS,
YOU ARE ONE PREPARED...
- EPSTEIN! Epstein:
I NEVER SEEN...
- I'M GOIN' UPSTAIRS RIGHT
NOW! ARE YOU COMING?
- UH, NO. NO.
I'M GONNA STAND HERE
AND, UH, BREAK IN A
NEW PAIR OF SOCKS.
- OH, WELL, COME ON.
CLASS STARTS IN
A COUPLE MINUTES.
Epstein: YEAH, YEAH.
- WELL, WELL, WELL.
EPSTEIN.
THE MAN WHO PUT THE
"SWEAT" INTO "SWEATHOG."
- HEAR THAT, EPSTEIN?
CARVELLI SAY YOU PUT THE
"SWEAT" IN "SWEATHOGS."
- I HEARD HIM, MURRAY.
LOOK, YOU GOT THE TERM PAPERS?
- YEAH, I GOT... I GOT A
MORE IMPORTANT QUESTION.
HAVE YOU GOT THE MONEY?
- YEAH, I GOT TWENTY BUCKS.
I WANT FOUR OF 'EM.
- YEAH, YOU SURE?
BECAUSE FOR ANOTHER FIVE BUCKS
YOU CAN HAVE YOUR
TEACHER PUSHED UNDER A BUS.
- AND, UH, FOR AN EXTRA TEN, I
MAKE IT LOOK LIKE AN ACCIDENT.
- THAT'S CUTE,
MURRAY. I LIKE THAT.
- AW, COME ON.
COME ON. HURRY UP.
I DON'T WANT NOBODY
TO SEE ME HERE TALKIN'.
I FEEL DISGUSTIN'
WHAT I'M DOIN'.
I FEEL SICK INSIDE.
- YEAH, YEAH. I HEARD
THAT BEFORE, SURE.
ALRIGHT, LET'S SEE.
EPSTEIN.
YOUR CATEGORY WAS
SOCIAL STUDIES FOR $20.
HEH! IT SOUNDS LIKE A
GAME SHOW, DON'T IT?
- YOU HEAR THAT, EPSTEIN?
CARVELLI WANTS TO KNOW IF
IT SOUNDS LIKE A GAME SHOW.
- SURE, I'LL TAKE
PAUL LINN TO BLOCK.
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
COME ON. COME ON,
MURRAY. LET'S... LET'S GO HERE.
LET'S SHOW MR. EPSTEIN
OUR IMPRESSIVE LINE OF,
UH, TERM PAPERS.
ALL RIGHT, I THINK
YOU'RE GONNA LIKE THIS.
AW, THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL ONE.
THE REAL STORY OF JOAN OF ARC."
TAKE A LOOK.
IT'S A GOOD PAPER.
IT'S A STRONG PAPER.
A LOT OF VOWELS.
YOU'LL LIKE IT.
- YOU SURE THESE PAPERS
IS ON THE UP-AND-UP?
- HEY! HEY, HEY. COME ON!
THESE PAPERS ARE GUARANTEED
OR YOUR MONEY BACK.
- AW, THAT'S WHAT I LIKE
ABOUT YOU, CARVELLI.
YOU STAND BEHIND WHAT YOU STEAL.
- HEY, WHAT'S HAPPENIN' MIKEY?
- AND WALK.
- HEY, I GOT 'EM.
I... I GOT 'EM.
- WHAT ARE THEY ON?
WHAT ARE THEY ON?
- YEAH.
- NOW, FREDDIE, YOU
GOT "THE DUST BOWL."
- HEY, EPSTEIN,
I CAN'T DO NO TERM
PAPER ON DUST.
I HATE DUST.
BESIDES, DUST KILLED
MY GREAT GRANDMOTHER.
- WHAT?
DUST KILLED YOUR
GREAT GRANDMOTHER?
- AW, NO, FREDDIE.
TELL ME IT AIN'T SO.
- OKAY, I'M GONNA TELL Y'ALL.
I'M GONNA TELL YOU
JUST HOW IT HAPPENED.
SEE, ONE DAY MY GREAT
GRANNY WAS SHAKIN' HER MOP
OUT A WINDOW...
- UH-HUH.
- YEAH.
- WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN,
THIS BIG, POWERFUL
GUST OF WIND CAME IN
AND SUCKED HER AND
THE MOP STRAIGHT UP
AND TOOK 'EM CLEAR
OVER TO NEW JERSEY.
- YOU LYIN'.
- WOULD YOU BELIEVE
PENNSYLVANIA?
- NOW, HERE.
NOW THAT WE GOT THAT
SETTLED, HERE VINNIE,
YOU GOT "THE GREAT
IRISH POTATO FAMINE."
- "THE GREAT IRISH
POTATO FAMINE"?
WHAT'S... WHAT'S SO GOOD ABOUT
A GREAT IRISH POTATO FAMINE?
- WELL, I KNOW... I KNOW
WHAT THAT WAS ABOUT.
I KNOW THAT ONE.
THAT'S WHEN THE WHOLE
COUNTRY RAN OUT OF POTATOES.
- THE WHOLE COUNTRY
RAN OUT OF POTATOES?
- YEAH.
- IMAGINE ALL THE
BUTTER AND SOUR CREAM
THAT WAS LEFT THERE?
- WELL, SPEAKIN' OF SOUR CREAM,
WHERE'S ARNOLD HORSHACK?
- UH, ARNOLD IS ALREADY IN THERE
HAVING HIS CONFERENCE
WITH MR. KOTTER.
- SO, ARNOLD, HAVE YOU
DECIDED WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO
YOUR TERM PAPER ON?
- SO, MR. KOTTER,
HOW'S THE FAMILY?
- FINE. EVERYBODY'S FINE.
ARNOLD, I THINK AN
INTERESTING SUBJECT...
- THE TWINS ARE GETTIN' BIG.
- YEAH, THEY'RE
GROWIN' EVERY DAY.
YOU KNOW, ARNOLD,
I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU DO
SOMETHING DIFFERENT...
- AND AIN'T IT AMAZING HOW FAST
MRS. KOTTER GOT HER FIGURE BACK?
- AMAZING.
- YOU TOO.
- ARNOLD, ARE YOU GONNA DO
A TERM PAPER ON MY FAMILY?
- HEY, MR. KOTTER, I GOTTA
GO TO THE BATHROOM.
- I'M GLAD EPSTEIN REMINDED YOU.
- DON'T GO AWAY. OKAY?
- I'LL BE HERE.
- EPSTEIN, I DON'T
WANT TO BE PUSHY,
BUT WOULD YOU MIND TELLING ME
WHAT I'M DOING MY TERM PAPER ON?
- SURE.
YOU GOT "JOSEPH
STALIN AND THE PURGES."
- WHO WERE THE PURGES?
- UH, I THINK THEY WAS
JOE'S BACKUP GROUP.
- YEAH, YEAH. THEY HAD
A BIG HIT AWHILE BACK
CALLED "THE VOLGA BOATMEN."
- "THE VOLGA BOATMEN"?
OH, I HATE "THE VOLGA BOATMEN."
Freddie: WHY?
- BECAUSE ON THE
STATEN ISLAND FERRY
YOU SEE 'EM ALL THE TIME.
THEY'RE DIRTY, THEY TALK DIRTY,
THEY SPIT ON THEMSELVES.
IT'S DISGUSTING. I HATE 'EM.
- HI, GUYS.
- HEY, ANGIE, WHAT'S HAPPENIN'?
- HI, ANGIE.
- HAVE YOU STARTED
YOUR TERM PAPER YET?
- YEAH, I ALREADY FINISHED MINE.
LOOKIT, RIGHT HERE.
- OH, I WAS THINKING ABOUT
DOING MINE ON MARILYN MONROE.
- WHY STOP THERE?
WHY NOT DO ALL OF
THOSE BLEACHED BLONDES
AND CALL IT "ROOTS"?
- THANKS.
- LISTEN, LITTLE JUAN,
I JUST DON'T FEEL RIGHT
ABOUT THIS WHOLE THING.
I MEAN, TURNING IN
SOMEBODY ELSE'S TERM PAPER.
THAT'S NOT RIGHT.
I'M SORRY, BUT...
- COME ON, ARNOLD HORSHACK.
IT'S TIME YOU FACED
THE FACTS OF LIFE.
NOT THOSE FACTS.
COME ON, IDIOT.
NOW LOOK, IT'S BETTER
TO CHEAT WITH HONOR
THAN FAIL WITH DISGRACE.
ALL RIGHT, NOW I WANT
YOU TO GET BACK IN THERE...
- YEAH?
- AND I WANT YOU TO
REMEMBER ONE THING FOR ME.
- WHAT?
- JOSEPH STALIN.
- JOSEPH...
- YOU SAY IT.
- JOSEPH STALIN.
- THAT'S IT. HE GOT IT.
- JOSEPH STA... WOULD YOU
REPEAT THAT FOR ME? REFRESH...
- WILL YOU GET IN THERE?
- EVERYTHING OKAY, ARNOLD?
- JOSEPH STALIN!
- WAS HE IN THE BATHROOM
WITH YOU AND EPSTEIN?
MR. KOTTER!
THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO DO MY
TERM PAPER ON: JOSEPH STALIN.
OH, I ADMIRE JOSEPH STALIN.
- ARNOLD, IF YOU WANT TO
DO A TERM PAPER ON STALIN,
THAT'S FINE.
LET'S NOT ADMIRE THE MAN.
HE SENT 25 MILLION INNOCENT
MEN, WOMEN, AND CHILDREN
TO LABOR CAMPS IN SIBERIA.
WHAT DO YOU ADMIRE ABOUT THAT?
- THE TRAINS.
HE ALWAYS GOT
THEM THERE ON TIME.
- ARNOLD, GO TO THE LIBRARY,
READ A LITTLE BIT
ABOUT JOSEPH STALIN.
YOU'LL FIND HIM IN
BETWEEN ATTILA THE HUN
AND JACK THE RIPPER.
- RIGHT YOU ARE, MR. KOTTER,
AND AS THEY SAY IN SIBERIA, BRR!
YEAH.
- MR. KOTTER, ARE YOU
READY TO SEE ME NOW?
- I'M READY TO SEE YOU NOW.
- GOOD, 'CAUSE I'M RUNNIN' LATE.
MR. KOTTER, I JUST
WANT TO TELL YOU
HOW EXCITED I AM ABOUT
THIS... THIS TERM PAPER.
IT'S... IT'S... IT'S ALL I
CAN THINK ABOUT LATELY.
REALLY, VINNIE? Vinnie: YEAH.
- I'M HAPPY TO SEE
YOU SO INVOLVED.
- OH, YES. I'M...
I'M REALLY INTO IT.
- WELL, WHAT SUBJECT ARE
YOU GONNA WRITE ABOUT?
- WHAT?
- WHAT SUBJECT HAVE YOU
DECIDED TO DO YOUR TERM PAPER ON?
- UM...
JUST GIVE ME A
SEC. I'LL THINK OF IT.
- DOES IT HAVE ANYTHING
TO DO WITH HISTORY?
- YEAH. OH, THE... THE... THE
GREAT FRENCH-FRIED PHANTOM.
- THE FRENCH-FRIED PHANTOM?
- YEAH. I JUST HEARD THE NEWS.
NO POTATOES.
I THINK... I THINK
IT HAPPENED IN...
IN ENGLAND OR IRELAND,
SOMEPLACE WHERE THEY
SPEAK ENGLISH REALLY FUNNY.
- AS OPPOSED TO BROOKLYN,
WHERE WE SPEAK IT PERFECTLY.
- YES.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT, FRENCH-FRIED PHANTOM?
- THE PHANTOM, YOU KNOW,
WHEN YOU CAN'T
GET NOTHIN' TO EAT,
YOU GOT A PHANTOM.
- FAMINE!
FAMINE! THE FRENCH-FRY FAMINE?
IRISH POTATO FAMINE?
- YEAH, THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT.
IT'S... IT'S THE SAME THING.
I JUST SAID IT A
LITTLE DIFFERENT.
- OF COURSE, IT'S
THE SAME THING:
FRENCH-FRIED PHANTOM,
IRISH POTATO FAMINE.
- MUST'VE BEEN REALLY
TERRIBLE, HUH, MR. KOTTER?
I MEAN, IMAGINE GOING
TO A PLACE IN A COUNTRY,
YOU COULD ORDER A HAMBURGER
AND GET A SIDE ORDER OF NOTHING.
- HI THERE, SWEET STUFF.
- HOW YOU DOING,
MY SPICY PUMPKIN?
- I'M IN A GREAT
MOOD TODAY, KOTTER.
DID YOU SEE THAT NEW
SPANISH TEACHER I HIRED?
- OH, YEAH. I JUST
SAW HER IN THE HALL.
SHE'S A LITTLE DIFFICULT
TO UNDERSTAND, ISN'T SHE?
- SHE TALKS A LOT BETTER
WHEN SHE TAKES THE
ROSE OUT OF HER MOUTH.
WHENEVER SHE SPEAKS,
I CAN ALMOST HEAR
THE SOUND OF...
CASTANETS.
- I THINK IT'S LOOSE DENTURES.
- WHAT HAPPENED TO THE
FIRE IN YOUR SOUL, KOTTER?
- OH, DON'T MIND
ME, MR. WOODMAN,
MY PILOT LIGHT JUST WENT OUT.
- FIRE!
OLE!
HELLO, JULIE.
- WHAT'S WITH HIM?
- HE, UH, IS IN LOVE WITH
THE NEW SPANISH TEACHER.
- REALLY? DOES HE SPEAK SPANISH?
TACO AND BELL.
WHAT'S THAT?
- OH! WE'RE HAVING A PICNIC.
- A PICNIC? I THOUGHT WE
WERE GOIN' OUT TO EAT.
- OH, I THOUGHT THIS
WOULD BE MORE FUN.
- OH YEAH, THAT'S SWEET.
A PICNIC.
DID YOU BRING ANY ANTS?
- I TELL YOU WHAT.
I WON'T BRING ANY ANTS IF
YOU WON'T BRING ANY UNCLES!
- VERY FUNNY.
- HMM!
WHICH TREE SHOULD I
SPREAD THE BLANKET UNDER?
- WELL, NOT THIS ONE.
THERE'S TOO MANY
PIGEONS UP THERE.
HOW 'BOUT THE ONE OVER
THERE BY THE BEND IN THE CHAIRS?
- OKAY, HONEY. HOW'S
THE GRADING GOING?
- VERY STRANGE.
- WELL, WHAT'S SO
STRANGE ABOUT IT?
- WELL, SO FAR, EVERY PAPER
I'VE READ HAS BEEN TERRIFIC.
- WELL, WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
- JULIE, THEY ARE SWEATHOGS.
SWEATHOGS DO NOT GET A'S.
- AND WHAT ABOUT VINNIE?
- I ALWAYS SAVE
VINNIE'S FOR LAST.
HE ALWAYS READS BETTER
WHEN I'M A LITTLE TIRED.
I'D BETTER GRADE
JUAN'S WHILE WE EAT.
- OKAY.
- HE'S WRITING IT ON
FRANKLIN ROOSEVELT.
"FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT,
BY JUAN DELANO EPSTEIN."
- HERE, LET ME SEE.
- YOU KNOW, IT'S REALLY STRANGE.
WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL,
I DID MY TERM PAPER
ON FRANKLIN ROOSEVELT.
Julie: HMM.
- I CALLED HIM "A
MIGHTY WHITE KNIGHT
THAT FIGHTS FOR WHAT'S RIGHT."
- HMM.
REALLY?
SO DOES JUAN.
- "MIGHTY WHITE KNIGHT WHO
TRIED TO DO WHAT WAS RIGHT."
THIS IS IT.
THIS IS THE PAPER I
HANDED IN 11 YEARS AGO.
- HEY, EPSTEIN, WHAT
HAPPENED? HUH?
I MEAN, WHAT HAPPENED?
TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED, HUH?
THESE PAPERS HERE WAS
SUPPOSED TO BE GUARANTEED.
WHAT HAPPENED?
MR. KOTTER, HE GAVE US ALL F'S.
- YEAH, FIVE BUCKS
FOR AN "F", EPSTEIN.
I COULD'VE DONE IT FOR
FREE AND GOTTEN ONE.
- LOOK, I... I... I DON'T
KNOW WHAT WENT WRONG.
I MEAN, THESE WERE FOOLPROOF.
THEY NEVER FAILED TO
GET GOOD GRADES BEFORE.
- HE KNOWS. MR. KOTTER KNOWS.
HE KNOWS! HE KNOWS!
MR. KOTTER KNOWS!
HE KNOWS! HE KNOWS!
- ARNOLD, HE DOESN'T KNOW.
- HOW DO YOU KNOW
HE DOESN'T KNOW?
- 'CAUSE IF HE KNEW,
WE'D KNOW HE KNEW
BECAUSE IF HE KNEW
HE'D LET US KNOW.
- THAT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY.
- WELL, I DON'T CARE
IF HE KNOWS OR NOT.
ALL I KNOW IS THAT YOU
BETTER GET OUR MONEY BACK.
- ALL RIGHT, JACK. BE COOL, SLY.
I'M WORKIN' ON IT.
I'M WORKIN' ON IT.
- OH YEAH?
WORK A LITTLE HARDER.
- YEAH, WORK OVERTIME.
- YEAH!
COME ON, YOU GUYS.
- GET OUR MONEY BACK.
- HI, JUAN. HOW YOU DOING?
- I SEEN BETTER
DAYS. I SEEN WORSE.
- HOW'D YOU DO ON
YOUR TERM PAPER?
I GOT A B-MINUS.
- I SHOULD'VE BOUGHT
MINE FROM YOU.
- WELL, WELL, WELL.
YOU MUST BE THE... THE
NEW LITTLE SWEATHOGESS.
WHEN YOU GET
TIRED OF THESE GUYS,
LOOK ME UP, YOU KNOW.
- YOU HEAR THAT?
WHEN YOU GET TIRED
OF THEM, LOOK US UP.
- I WILL, IN THE YELLOW
PAGES UNDER "SLEAZEBALLS."
- THAT'S CUTE. SHE'S
REAL CUTE, YOU KNOW,
BUT SHE'D BE CUTER WITH
A MOUTHFUL OF MARBLES.
- YOU KNOW, CARVELLI,
YOU HAVE TO MOVE
UP JUST TO BE THE PITS.
- THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
- THAT'S WHAT
YOU THINK, EPSTEIN.
MY MAN, CARVELLI
DON'T HAVE TO MOVE UP.
HE'S ALREADY THE PITS.
- HEY, MURRAY, YOU KNOW,
IF YOU EVER FIND YOURSELF,
YOU'RE GOING TO BE
VERY DISAPPOINTED.
- HEY, CARVELLI.
- WHAT IS IT?
- I WANT YOU TO
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS,
'CAUSE THIS HERE, THE BUM
TERM PAPERS YOU SOLD US,
THEY ALL GOT F'S. TAKE A LOOK.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE.
THESE PAPERS ALWAYS
GOT GOOD GRADES BEFORE.
I KNOW WHAT IT IS, EPSTEIN.
I'LL TELL YOU RIGHT NOW.
YOU ARE STUPID.
SO ARE YOUR TEACHERS.
- AND DUUUUUUUMB!
- HEY, MURRAY,
STICK TO WHAT I SAY
AND DON'T PARAPHRASE, ALL RIGHT?
- HEAR THAT, EPSTEIN?
DON'T PARAPHRASE.
- YEAH, WELL, THESE PAPERS,
YOU KNOW, THEY WAS GUARANTEED
SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST
COUGH UP OUR MONEY?
- OH YEAH? OR WHAT?
- OR YOU'RE GONNA BE
COUGHING UP INTERNAL ORGANS.
- YOU THINK I'M GONNA
COUGH ORGANS?
I DON'T THINK YOU... YOU
KNOW WHO YOU'RE SPEAKING TO.
- ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?
- NO, I'M TALKING TO
THE BUSHES OVER THERE.
- WELL, YOU MUST
BE TALKING TO ME
'CAUSE THERE AIN'T
NOBODY ELSE HERE.
- AW, YEAH, THAT'S REALLY FUNNY.
- LEG TO STAND ON.
- HEY, HEY, HEY.
WHAT'S GOIN' ON?
- NOTHIN', NOTHIN' NOTHIN'.
HEY, THAT'S A NICE
COAT. USE ANOTHER ONE?
- I'LL LET YOU KNOW.
YOU GUYS, UH, HELPIN' EACH OTHER
WITH YOUR GEOMETRY HOMEWORK?
- YEAH, YEAH,
THAT'S IT: GEOMETRY.
- COME ON, WE GOTTA
GO, WE GOTTA GO.
LET'S GO, LITTLE OBTUSE.
LET'S GO GET LITTLE HYPOTENUSE.
OBTUSE HYPOTENUSE!
- HEY, MR. KOTTER, DO YOU
MIND IF I ASK YOU A QUESTION?
- NO, GO AHEAD, JUAN.
- HOW COME THESE PERFECTLY
GOOD TERM PAPERS GOT F'S?
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE COMPLAINING ABOUT.
THEY'RE PERFECTLY GOOD F'S.
BESIDES, YOU DIDN'T
WRITE THEM YOURSELVES.
IN FACT, I THINK
YOU BOUGHT THEM.
- YOU'RE ACCUSING
ME, JUAN EPSTEIN,
A PERFECTLY GOOD
AND UPSTANDING CITIZEN
OF THIS HERE COMMUNITY
OF... OF CHEATIN'?
I'M AT A LOSS FOR WORDS.
- THE PAPER YOU HANDED IN
WAS ONE I HANDED
IN 11 YEARS AGO.
- IT'S A SMALL WORLD, ISN'T IT?
WELL, LOOK, YOU AIN'T
GONNA GET IT OUT OF ME
WHO I GOT 'EM FROM.
I MEAN, THAT WOULD
BE RATTIN', RIGHT?
AND EVEN THOUGH I'D BE
RATTIN' ON A DIRTY, ROTTEN FINK,
I JUST AIN'T GONNA TELL YA.
- WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO RAT ON ANYBODY, JUAN.
I ALREADY KNOW IT WAS CARVELLI.
- GOOD. WANNA KNOW
WHERE HE LIVES?
- DON'T HAVE TO
TELL ME THAT, JUAN.
HONORABLE FATHER ALREADY
KNOW WHERE HE LIVES.
- GEE, POP, YOU KNOW EVERYTHING.
- HONORABLE FATHER VERY
SMART, NUMBER ONE SON.
BUY XEROX AT 42.
SELL IT AT 43.
- HOW DID YOU FIGURE
ON CARVELLI, POP?
- AH, GOOD QUESTION,
NUMBER ONE SON.
OLD CHINESE PROVERB:
MAN WHO TRY TO
PULL WOOL OVER EYES
WIND UP WITH SHEEP ON FACE.
- PSST! HEY, EPSTEIN.
EPSTEIN.
- CARVELLI, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING...?
- SHH! EPSTEIN, I'M
OUTTA BUSINESS.
HALF OF BROOKLYN'S
OUT TO BREAK MY FACE.
WHAT'S THE STORY, EPSTEIN?
- LOOK, KOTTER BLEW THE
WHISTLE ON THE PHONY PAPER SCAM.
THE MAN KNEW ALL ALONG.
- OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
- YEAH, HE PASSED OUT A
LIST OF ALL THE PHONY PAPERS
TO ALL THE TEACHERS
IN THE DISTRICT.
- THAT DIRTY RAT.
- EVERY TIME ONE
OF THEM TURNS UP,
THEY GET A BIG F.
- THAT GUY'S THE LOWEST.
I NEVER HEARD OF ANYTHING
SO DIRTY OR ROTTEN
OR UNDERHANDED.
COULD USE A GUY LIKE THAT.
- SO, WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA DO WITH YOURSELF
NOW THAT THE HEAT'S ON?
- I DON'T KNOW. I THINK MAYBE
I'LL, UH, STEAL A MOTOR HOME
AND JUST SLEEP UNTIL
THE HEAT'S OFF, YOU KNOW.
SEE YA LATER.
- SEE YA.
DON'T FORGET TO
BACK OVER YOURSELF.
- EPSTEIN, I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
COME ON.
ALL RIGHT, NOW I HAVE DECIDED
TO GIVE ALL YOU GUYS
ONE MORE CHANCE.
NOW, COUNT IT: ONE.
All: ONE.
- I WANT YOU TO MAKE SURE
YOU DO YOUR TERM PAPERS
YOURSELVES THIS TIME.
- ALL RIGHT, BUT MR. KOTTER,
CAN I STILL DO THE
POTATO FAMINE?
- OH, I DON'T THINK SO, VINNIE.
- MR. KOTTER, I'LL DO
IT DIFFERENT THIS TIME.
I'LL... I'LL... I'LL DO IT
FROM THE POINT OF
VIEW OF THE POTATO.
- MAKE SURE YOU GO TO
THE LIBRARY THIS TIME, OKAY?
- I MEAN, LIKE, WHAT FOR?
NOBODY AIN'T SELLIN' NO
TERM PAPERS THERE, RIGHT?
JUST... JUST KIDDIN'. FOOLIN'.
- WELL, I FOR ONE AM VERY HAPPY
TO VINDICATE MYSELF, MR. KOTTER,
AND I'VE EVEN MADE
UP MY OWN TOPIC:
THE STORY OF A MAN ALL
WRAPPED UP IN HIMSELF."
- HEY, MR. KOTTER,
HOW COME YOU GONNA
GIVE US A SECOND CHANCE?
HUH? HOW COME?
- YEAH. WHY YOU DOIN' THIS, MAN?
- WHY YOU CHANGE
YOUR MIND ON US?
- WELL, I TOLD YOU GUYS THAT
WHEN I WENT TO SCHOOL HERE
I HANDED IN THAT TERM PAPER?
Vinnie: MMM-HMM. Epstein: YEAH.
- BUT,
I NEVER SAID I WROTE IT.
- HE IS KIDDING US, ISN'T HE?
- AW, HE MUST BE KIDDING.
HE WOULD NEVER DO
ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
- OH, YES HE WOULD,
ARNOLD HORSHACK.
HE WASN'T KIDDIN'.
- KIDDIN' ABOUT WHAT?
- WHAT'S THE MATTER?
YOU GOT NO BRAINS...
- SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
- I'M SO CONFUSED!
- COME ON!
- HI, HONEY.
- HI. ANOTHER PICNIC?
- THE OTHER ONE
WENT OVER SO GREAT,
I THOUGHT YOU
DESERVED ANOTHER ONE.
- OKAY, BUT THIS TIME I GOTTA
BRING ONE OF MY UNCLES.
OKAY, WHICH ONE.
- MY UNCLE JOE.
- THE DRUNK!
- THAT'S RIGHT, MY
UNCLE JOE THE DRUNK.
NOW, ONE TIME HE WAS IN A
BAR, HE'S MAKIN' A LOT OF NOISE,
AND THIS WOMAN COMES
OVER AND SHE SAYS,
"SIR, YOU ARE A DRUNK
AND YOU'RE MAKING
TOO MUCH NOISE."
- WHAT DID HE SAY?
- HE SAID, "MY DEAR
WOMAN, YOU'RE UGLY."
AND SHE SAYS, "WELL,
YOU ARE THE DRUNKEST MAN
I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE."
AND HE SAYS...
- AND HE SAYS, "BUT I'LL WAKE
UP TOMORROW MORNING SOBER
AND YOU'LL STILL BE UGLY."
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED ♪
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS
HAVE REMAINED ♪
♪ AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA? ♪
♪ ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪