Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 3, Episode 20 - There's No Business: Part 1 - full transcript

- YO, MR. KOTTER, YOU
GOT TO HELP ME QUICK

FOR MY ENGLISH CLASS.

I NEED A SENTENCE WITH
THE WORD "OFFICIATE."

- A SENTENCE WITH THE
WORD "OFFICIATE." OKAY, UM,

"MY UNCLE GOT SICK
BECAUSE OF OFFICIATE."

♪ WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪

♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED ♪

♪ SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪



♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS
HAVE REMAINED ♪

♪ AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪

♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪

♪ ♪

♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA? ♪

♪ ♪

♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪

♪ 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪

- PLEASE, VINNIE, NO MORE.

NO MORE. I'LL BE GOOD.

I'LL BE A GOOD BOY.

PLEASE, JUST DON'T TELL
NO MORE OF YOUR JOKES.



- SIT DOWN, WILL YOU?

SIT DOWN, WILL YOU?

OKAY, LOOK, THIS LAST
JOKE, IT'S REALLY FUNNY.

EVERYBODY LAST NIGHT
REALLY LAUGHED AT THIS JOKE.

OKAY, UM, ALL RIGHT, THIS GUY,

HE GOES TO A PARKING METER.

HE PUTS THE DIME IN
THE PARKING METER

AND THE NEEDLE
GOES TO 60, RIGHT?

AND HE SAYS, "OH,
NO, I LOST 100 POUNDS."

- AND THEN, UM, I
GOT THIS OTHER ONE

THAT'S REALLY FUNNY TOO.

ALL RIGHT, I TAUGHT
MY DOG HOW TO EAT

BY THE SOUND OF THE BELL, RIGHT?

SO WHAT HAPPENS YESTERDAY?

HE EATS THE AVON LADY.

- WHAT ARE YOU GROANING ABOUT?

I JUST GOT HERE.

- HEY, VINNIE, ASK MR. KOTTER
ONE OF THOSE JOKES.

HE'LL KNOW IF IT'S OLD.

- OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

MR. KOTTER, OKAY,
NOW EVERYBODY THINKS

THAT COLUMBUS HAD
THREE SHIPS, RIGHT?

BUT YOU DID NOT KNOW,
HE REALLY HAD FOUR.

- YEAH, I KNEW, VINNIE.

- OKAY, THE REASON
WAS BECAUSE...

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU KNOW?

NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY YOU KNOW.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
SAY, "HOW COME, VINNIE?"

AND THEN I TELL
YOU THE PUNCH LINE.

- I'M SORRY, VINNIE.
I KNOW THE JOKE.

- WELL, WHY DON'T
YOU GO FINISH IT?

YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED MY TIMING.

- I DIDN'T MEAN TO, VINNIE.
I JUST KNOW THE JOKE.

COLUMBUS STARTED
OUT WITH FOUR SHIPS.

BUT ONLY THREE REACHED AMERICA

BECAUSE ONE FELL OVER THE EDGE.

- YOU CAN'T LAUGH AT HIM JUST
BECAUSE HE'S THE TEACHER.

IF I WAS TO TELL THE JOKE,
YOU WOULDN'T HAVE LAUGHED.

YOU WOULD HAVE
SAID, "OLD JOKE, VINNIE,

NOT FUNNY. DUHH."

- WHAT'S ALL THIS
JOKE BUSINESS ABOUT?

- WELL, YOU SEE, MR. KOTTER,

LAST NIGHT VINNIE HERE WENT
TO THE COMEDY CONNECTION,

A PLACE THAT FEATURES NEW
COMEDIANS WITH OLD JOKES.

- COMEDY CONNECTION?
I'VE BEEN THERE.

IT'S A LOT OF FUN.
YOU WENT LAST NIGHT?

SUNDAY'S AMATEUR
NIGHT. THAT'S GREAT.

- DID YOU EVER THINK ABOUT
MAYBE PERFORMING THERE?

I MEAN, YOU FIT RIGHT IN.

YOUR JOKES ARE AS
OLD AS ANYBODY'S.

- YOU KNOW, ONE TIME I
ALMOST DID GET UP THERE.

- YEAH? WHAT HAPPENED?

- WELL, I WANTED TO GO ON
STAGE BUT MY STOMACH DIDN'T.

- HA, HA, HA.

- COME ON, MR. KOTTER,

AREN'T YOU THE
BOSS OF YOUR BODY?

WHAT ARE YOU, STOMACH PECKED?

- LOOK, BEING A COMEDIAN,
TO ME HAS ALWAYS BEEN

LIKE A SECRET DREAM

AND I THINK I SHOULD
LEAVE IT THAT WAY.

- MR. KOTTER, IT'S GREAT
TO HAVE SECRET DREAMS.

I GOT ONE.

IT INVOLVES ONE OF
CHARLIE'S ANGELS.

- HEY, MR. KOTTER, AIN'T
YOU THE GUY WHO TOLD US

WHEN WE HAVE A CHANCE
TO GO FOR THAT BRASS RING,

JUST TO GRAB IT?

- YEAH.
- YEAH.

- YEAH, AND AIN'T YOU
THE GUY THAT TOLD US

IF YOU WANTS TO WIN,
YOU GOTS TO PLAY?

- YEAH.

- AND DIDN'T YOU
TELL ME YESTERDAY

THAT IF YOU DON'T HAVE
CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF,

NO ONE WILL?

- YEAH.

All Together: WELL?

- TRAPPED BY MY OWN WORDS.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL DO IT,
THIS SUNDAY NIGHT.

- ALL RIGHT!

- WHAT'S ALL THE
NOISE ABOUT, KOTTER?

- WELL, THIS SUNDAY NIGHT
I'M GOING TO A NIGHTCLUB

AND I'M GONNA DO A COMEDY
ROUTINE ON AMATEUR NIGHT.

- C'MON, KOTTER,
THERE IS NO NIGHTCLUB

WITH A NIGHT THAT AMATEUR.

- YEAH, MR. WOODMAN,

I MEAN, WHADDYU KNOW
ABOUT NIGHTCLUBS?

THE LAST TIME YOU
WAS AT A NIGHTCLUB

THE CARHOP PARKED YOUR DINOSAUR.

All Together: HA, HA, HA, HA.

- MR. WOODMAN,
AIN'T YOU EVER HEARD

OF THE COMEDY CONNECTION?

IT'S THE IN THING TO DO NOW.

- ARE YOU GONNA BE THERE?

OH, I WOULDN'T MISS THIS
FOR ANYTHING IN THE WORLD.

YOU KNOW, KOTTER, IN MY
DAY I WAS A CHAMPION HECKLER.

- YOU'RE SUCH A SWEET
GUY, MR. WOODMAN.

- MY PICTURE HANGS
IN EVERY POST OFFICE

IN THE CATSKILL MOUNTAINS.

YOU EVER HEARD OF
SHECKY RABINOWITZ?

'COURSE YOU HAVEN'T.

I RUINED HIS CAREER
WITH ONE HECKLE.

TODAY HE'S RAISING
EARTHWORMS IN NEW JERSEY.

SUNDAY NIGHT, THE
COMEDY CONNECTION.

HA, HA, HA!

- YOU'RE ON NEXT, HONEY.
THEY JUST CALLED NUMBER 41.

- I DON'T BELIEVE I HAD TO
TAKE A NUMBER WHEN I CAME IN.

WHAT IS THIS, A
NIGHTCLUB OR A BAKERY?

- I'M NOT SURE BUT JUST
TO COVER YOURSELF

WHEN YOU GO OUT THERE
YOU CAN START WITH,

"GOOD EVENING,
LADIES AND MUFFINS."

- JULIE, WHAT ARE YOU
MAKING JOKES FOR?

I'VE GOT TO GO ON IN 5
MINUTES AND MAKE JOKES

AND YOU'RE MAKING JOKES.

- I'M SORRY.
- THAT'S NOT BAD.

YOU KNOW, THAT MIGHT
BE A GOOD OPENING.

"AH, GOOD EVENING,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

YOU KNOW, I JUST GOT HERE
AND THEY MADE ME TAKE A NUMBER.

I WASN'T SURE WHETHER THIS
IS A NIGHTCLUB OR A BAKERY.

WELL, ANYWAY, GOOD
EVENING, LADIES AND MUFFINS."

- DON'T USE IT.

JUST BE YOURSELF.

YOU'RE FUNNY, YOU'RE CHARMING
AND YOU HAVE A TWINKLE.

- I THINK MY TWINKLE
JUST WENT OUT.

I GOT TO GET 'EM
RIGHT AWAY, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, YOU NEED A GOOD OPENING,

SOMETHING THAT REALLY GRABS 'EM.

- OH, IF YOU WANT TO GRAB
'EM, INSTEAD OF A TUXEDO,

YOU SHOULD HAVE
RENTED A GORILLA.

- MUFFIN WAS FUNNY.
GORILLA, FORGET ABOUT.

- YOU ALL SET, SHECKY, HUH?

HEY, GUY, WHAT'S THE MATTER?

YOU LOOK AS
NERVOUS AS A GORILLA.

- WHERE'D YOU GET THAT GORILLA?

- OUT THERE.

NUMBER 41 SAID THE
AUDIENCE WAS SO BAD

THAT THE ONLY THING THAT
COULD GRAB 'EM WAS A GORILLA.

- DID HE SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT MUFFINS?

- NAH.

THAT WAS NUMBER 38.

YEAH, HE CAME
OUT THERE AND SAID,

"GOOD EVENING,
LADIES AND MUFFINS."

- I DON'T BELIEVE
IT. I'M NUMBER 42.

THEY'VE PROBABLY HEARD
EVERY JOKE IN THE WORLD BY NOW.

- YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

WELL, LOOK, I JUST CAME IN
HERE TO WISH YOU GOOD LUCK

AND TELL YOU TO BREAK AN ARM.

- THE EXPRESSION IS
"BREAK A LEG," JUAN.

- WHATEVER IT TAKES.

- WELL, MIGHT AS
WELL GO OUT THERE.

IT'S GONNA BE ANY MINUTE NOW.

- GOOD LUCK, HONEY.

- YOU THINK I'M GONNA
GET ANY LAUGHS?

- WELL, IF YOU DON'T,
YOUR SUIT WILL.

- VERY FUNNY, JULIE.
- YEAH.

- AS ED SULLIVAN USED TO
SAY, "REALLY BIG, REALLY BIG.

RIGHT HERE ON OUR STAGE
WE HAVE WORLD WAR II

AND THE ORIGINAL CAST,
REALLY BIG, REALLY BIG.

- 'SCUSE ME THERE, FELLA.

HOW MUCH DO YOU
CHARGE TO HAUNT A HOUSE?

- IF YOU PEOPLE EVER GET A
CHANCE TO BE AN AUDIENCE,

DON'T TAKE IT.

- HEY, WHY DON'T YOU
CALL CHRISTIAN BARNARD

AND GET A JOKE TRANSPLANT?

Announcer: NUMBER 42 IS NEXT, A
SCHOOLTEACHER FROM BROOKLYN.

GABE KOTTER.

- THANK YOU. THANK
YOU VERY MUCH.

IT'S NICE TO BE HERE TONIGHT.

- EXCUSE ME.

WHAT DID THE PENGUIN
DO AFTER YOU MUGGED HIM

AND TOOK AWAY HIS SUIT?

- MR. WOODMAN,
GIVE HIM A CHANCE.

- IT'S NICE TO BE HERE TONIGHT.

I HAVE SOME FUNNY RELATIVES.

LIKE, THERE'S MY AUNT RHODA.

SHE'S BEEN MARRIED SO MANY TIMES

SHE HAS RICE SCARS ON HER FACE.

SHE'S THE ONLY LADY I KNOW

THAT HAS A WASH-AND-WEAR
WEDDING DRESS.

- WELL, C'MON.

DON'T YOU GET IT?

WASH-AND-WEAR
WEDDING DRESS, LAUGH.

- I HAVE AN AUNT ELSIE WHO
USED TO YELL AT MY UNCLE AL.

"AL," SHE WOULD SAY, "YOU
GIVE ME SO MUCH TROUBLE,

WHEN YOU DIE I'M GONNA
DANCE ON YOUR GRAVE."

WELL, MY UNCLE AL WOULD SAY,

"I'M GONNA BE BURIED
AT SEA. LET HER DANCE."

- WHY DON'T YOU
BURY YOUR ACT AT SEA?

YOU AFRAID IT'LL KILL THE FISH?

- HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY. WAIT
A SECOND, WAIT A SECOND.

WHERE YOU FOLKS GOIN'?

THE MAN HERE HE
AIN'T DONE WITH HIS ACT.

- YEAH, THAT WOULD BE VERY
IMPOLITE FOR YOU TO LEAVE.

AND VERY UNHEALTHY.

HAVE A SEAT.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH
FOR THE NICE SHOW.

- SIT DOWN, RELAX.

- YEAH, EVERYBODY, NO
ONE HAS TO LEAVE YET.

I GOT A MILLION JOKES.

- OH YEAH?

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE
THE REST HOME IN A DOGGY BAG?

- HEY, MR. WOODMAN,

WHY DON'T YOU PUT YOUR
FALSE TEETH IN BACKWARDS

AND BITE YOURSELF TO DEATH?

- C'MON, FOLKS, C'MON, LISTEN.

LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT
ANOTHER AUNT I HAVE.

SHE'S SO SKINNY SHE
WEARS SNOW SHOWER...

WAIT A SECOND.

SHE'S SO SKINNY SHE WEARS
SNOW SHOES IN THE SHOWER

OTHERWISE SHE'LL GET
SUCKED DOWN THE DRAIN.

HERE'S MY UNCLE MAX.

MY UNCLE MAX, HE'S, UM...

LOOK, I DON'T KNOW.

I'M SORRY.

I'M NOT A COMEDIAN, I
SHOULDN'T BE UP HERE.

IT WAS STUPID FOR ME
TO... HAVE A GOOD TIME.

- WELL, I HOPE YOU'RE
ALL HAPPY NOW.

THAT MAN'S GOT BABIES AT HOME.

- OH, YEAH?

THEY'RE LUCKY THEY DON'T
HAVE TO LISTEN TO HIS ACT.

ALL RIGHT, BRING ON NUMBER 43.

- IT WAS OKAY. YOU HAD
SOME NICE MOMENTS.

- YOU DID ALL RIGHT, MR. KOTTER.

BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME, YOU KNOW?

- IT'S ALL RIGHT.

- OH, IT WASN'T THAT BAD, HONEY.

IT WAS THAT BAD.

- YOU WAS REALLY DOING GREAT
'TIL YOU OPENED YOUR MOUTH.

- AT LEAST YOUR SUIT WAS FUNNY.

YEAH.

- CHIN UP, LITTLE BUCKAROO.

YOU DID YOUR BEST.

- YEAH, I GUESS SO, ARNOLD.

IT'S NOT MY FAULT IF MY
RELATIVES AREN'T FUNNY.

- THAT'S THE SPIRIT, HONEY.

YOU HAVE GOT NOTHING
TO BE ASHAMED OF.

- YOU KNOW, I'VE GOT
SOMETHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.

I LAUGHED AT HIM.

I CAN NEVER COME
BACK HERE AGAIN.

EVERYONE'S GONNA THINK
THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME.

THEY'RE GONNA THINK I'M WEIRD.

- LOOK, GUYS, YOU
WANTED ME TO TRY AND I DID.

NOW, IF YOU DON'T MIND,
I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.

- RIGHT ON, MAN, SURE.

- YOU TAKE CARE.
- YOU DID ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW?

- YEAH, LOOK, THAT'S
SHOW BIZ, HUH?

- YEAH.

- I'M PROUD OF YOU.

- C'MON, HONEY.

EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.

- YEAH, LET'S GO HOME.
- OKAY.

- HEY, DON'T TELL THE
GIRLS WHAT HAPPENED.

- OKAY.

- GABE KOTTER?
- YEAH.

- NICE TO MEET YOU.

PETER CHARNOFF.

- OH, HI. THIS IS MY WIFE JULIE.

THIS IS MR. CHARNOFF.

- HI.
- HI.

- CREATIVE TALENT AGENCY?

I THINK YOU GOT THE WRONG GUY.

- I'M IN THE NIGHTCLUB DIVISION.

WE'RE ALWAYS LOOKING
FOR NEW TALENT.

- WELL, NOW I KNOW
YOU GOT THE WRONG GUY.

- FORGET ABOUT TONIGHT.

THERE'S SOME CRAZY OLD MAN
OUT THERE HECKLING EVERYBODY.

YOU KNOW, I HOPE I
NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN.

- I WISH I COULD BE THAT LUCKY.

- LOOK.

I THINK YOU'RE A FUNNY GUY.

YOUR TROUBLE IS MATERIAL.

NUMBER ONE, YOU
NEED SOMETHIN' FRESH.

SOMETHIN' THAT FITS YOU.

HAVE A SEAT.

- HAVE A SEAT.
- OH.

- NOW, WHAT DO
YOU DO FOR A LIVING?

- I'M A TEACHER.

- ALL RIGHT, WHAT DO YOU TEACH?

- UH, SOCIAL STUDIES
FOR UNDER ACHIEVERS.

- NOT BAD. THAT COULD BE FUNNY.

- OH, IT IS FUNNY. YOU
SHOULD MEET THE SWEATHOGS.

- YEAH, YOU SHOULD
MEET THE SWEATHOGS.

- SWEATHOGS? WHAT'S SWEATHOGS?

- SWEATHOGS ARE
THE KIDS I TEACH.

- I LOVE IT. I'M
LAUGHIN' ALREADY.

- YOU DON'T LOOK
LIKE YOU'RE LAUGHING.

- IT'S INSIDE HERE.

WHERE IT COUNTS.

NOW TELL ME ABOUT THESE KIDS.

- WELL, UM, SEE, THERE'S
ARNOLD HORSHACK.

- GREAT NAME. LOVE IT.

WHAT'S HE LIKE?

- WELL, HE'S SHORT, HE'S
GOT A KINDA POINTY NOSE.

HE LAUGHS...

- YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE THE LAUGH

THAT'S GOING ON
INSIDE ME RIGHT NOW.

- YOU KNOW, YOU
BETTER WATCH OUT.

YOU COULD GET AN
INGROWN CHUCKLE.

- I'M SERIOUS. THIS
STUFF IS GREAT.

YOU GOT MORE?

- SURE, I GOT MORE.
THERE'S JUAN EPSTEIN.

HE'S A TOUGH GUY.

HE WAS VOTED MOST
LIKELY TO TAKE A LIFE.

THEN THERE'S UH... - NO. STOP.

YOU'RE KILLING ME HERE.

LOOK, YOU PUT THESE
KIDS IN YOUR ROUTINE

YOU GOT YOURSELF
A NIGHTCLUB ACT.

NOW, I'LL SEE YOU HERE
NEXT SUNDAY NIGHT.

- WHAT?

- NEXT SUNDAY.

DO THE NEW STUFF. TALK
ABOUT THE KIDS, RIGHT?

- YEAH, SURE. RIGHT.

- GREAT. SEE YOU THEN.

- HONEY, REMIND ME NEXT
WEEK TO BRING MY STETHOSCOPE.

- STETHOSCOPE? WHY?

- FOR ONCE, I WOULD LIKE
TO HEAR THAT MAN LAUGH.

- FUNNY, JULIE, VERY FUNNY.

- I'M GETTING FUNNIER.

- ALL RIGHT, GUYS,
I THINK I GOT IT.

LET ME TRY IT, ALL
RIGHT? NO INTERRUPTIONS.

- JUST A MINUTE!

MR. MUSIC, CAN I HAVE
A DRUM ROLL, PLEASE?

THANK YOU, BOYS.

OKAY, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, HERE HE IS!

GABE KOTTER!

- THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'M A
SCHOOLTEACHER IN BROOKLYN

AND I GOT THIS CRAZY
BUNCH OF STUDENTS.

THEY CALL THEMSELVES
THE SWEATHOGS.

LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT 'EM.

WELL, THERE'S FREDDY WASHINGTON,

WE SORTA CALL HIM "BOOM BOOM."

THAT'S HIS NICKNAME, BOOM BOOM,

AND HE WALKS LIKE THIS.

YOU KNOW, YOU SEE HIM
WALKING DOWN THE STREET,

HE'S ALWAYS WALKING LIKE THIS.

AND HE SAYS "HI, THERE."

- WRONG. RELAX.

TAKE A BREAK.

NOW, MR. KOTTER, I
DON'T WALK LIKE THIS.

I DON'T DO THAT, SEE?

WHAT I DO IS I RELAX,
I LET MYSELF HANG.

I LET IT STAY BACK
AND I JUST GIVE IT.

"HI, THERE."

CHECKIN' ME OUT?
- YEAH, YEAH.

- THINK YOU CAN HANDLE IT?
- I CAN DO IT.

- THINK YOU CAN HANG?
- YEAH.

- LEMME SEE YOU HANG.
LEMME SEE YOU HANG.

YOU LOOSE? GET SOME RHYTHM.

MOVE THEM HIPS, ALL RIGHT.
YOU DOIN' NICE, ALL RIGHT.

HANG BACK AND GIVE
IT TO ME. YOU READY?

- YEAH.
- YOU READY?

- YEAH.
- LET IT GO.

- HI, THERE.

- IT'S GONNA TAKE A LOT
MORE THAN PRACTICE

TO GET HIM TO LOOK LIKE ME.

HOW FAST DO YOU TAN?

- SIT DOWN.
- COPPERTONE?

- SIT DOWN!

ALL RIGHT, THE NEXT
SWEATHOG IS JUAN EPSTEIN.

JUAN EPSTEIN IS HALF JEWISH
AND HALF PUERTO RICAN.

HIS FAVORITE DISH
IS MATZO BALL TACOS.

- FUNNY. THAT'S FUNNY.

- JUAN HAS A VERY STRANGE WALK.

HE WALKS LIKE HE'S GOT
HIS LUNCH IN HIS SHOES.

SOMETHIN' LIKE THIS.

- COME ON, COME ON.

DON'T BE CRAZY.
NOBODY WALKS LIKE THAT.

LOOKIE HERE, YOU GOTTA
GO FOR THE GOLD, YOU KNOW?

WHY DON'T YOU TRY SOME
OF MY OLD NOTES ON 'EM?

- NOTES, ONE OF YOUR
NOTES! THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

- YEAH, YEAH.

ALL RIGHT, NOW
WHAT YOU GOTTA DO IS

YOU GOTTA ASK FOR A
CATEGORY AND IMPROVE IT.

OKAY. GIVE ME A CATEGORY.

GO AHEAD.
- UH, SPACE PROGRAM.

- ALL RIGHT, THAT'S
GOOD, THAT'S GOOD.

LET'S SEE, UH, UM.

DEAR MR. KOTTER, PLEASE
EXCUSE JUAN FOR BEING ABSENT.

HE GOT CHOSEN BY NASA TO
BE THE FIRST PUNK IN ORBIT.

SEE? USE THE A STUFF.

- THAT'S FUNNY. ALL
RIGHT, I'LL DO IT NOW.

GREAT, GREAT, OKAY.

EPSTEIN ALWAYS HAS THESE...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- I'M THE COCKTAIL WAITRESS.

YOU GOTTA GET INTO
THE REALITY OF THIS.

- WILL YOU SIT DOWN? COME ON.

- KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF ME.

I'M GOIN' STEADY WITH THE OWNER.

- I GIVE IT SIX MONTHS.

- MR. KOTTER, DON'T YOU
PAY THEM NO MIND AT ALL.

GO AHEAD, TALK ABOUT ME NOW.

GO AHEAD, GO AHEAD.

- ARNOLD HORSHACK. THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT'S THE ACTUAL
NAME OF A KID IN MY CLASS.

HIS NAME IS ARNOLD HORSHACK.

HE GOES LIKE THIS.

"OOH, OOH, OOH-OOH, OOH-OOH."

- NO, NO, NO.

NO, NO, NO.

- I THOUGHT YOU SAID THAT
YOU WEREN'T GONNA INTERRUPT.

- WELL, IF YOU WANNA
BE SLOPPY ABOUT IT.

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?

- WELL, FIRST OF ALL, IT'S
MORE ROUNDED TONES.

"OHH, OHH-OHH!"

- OHH, OHH-OHH, OHH-OHH.

- NOW CUT IT OFF. CUT IT OFF.

OHH, OHH, OHH, OHH.

YOU GOT IT, YOU GOT IT!

- OHH, OHH, OHH, OHH.

- NOW WITH THE ARM,
NOW WITH THE ARM.

AND YOU GOTTA HOLD IT UP.

- OHH, OHH, OHH, OHH.

- LOUDER! OH, YOU GOT IT!

- OHH, OHH, OHH, OHH.
- YOU GOT IT!

- OHH, OHH, OHH, OHH.

- NICE TO HEAR THE
OLD SONGS, KOTTER.

- MR. WOODMAN, MR. KOTTER
WAS REHEARSING HIS ACT HERE.

- YOU'RE GONNA DO IT AGAIN?

- YES, YES. SOME GUY FIGURED
OUT WHY I BOMBED LAST TIME.

- OH, I COULD'VE TOLD YOU THAT.

YOU WENT ON STAGE.

- ALL RIGHT, FORGET ABOUT HIM.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I
HAVE ANOTHER STUDENT.

HIS NAME IS VINNIE BARBARINO.

VINNIE BARBARINO IS VERY
POPULAR WITH THE LADIES.

IN FACT, IF INFORMATION
CAN'T FIND A NUMBER,

THEY CALL VINNIE.

HE'S THE ONLY STUDENT
I KNOW THAT'S LISTED

IN THE GUINNESS BOOK OF HICKIES.

YEAH, WELL, I GOTTA SAY ONE
THING ABOUT THE SWEATHOGS.

THEY'RE NON-VIOLENT.

THEY DON'T BELIEVE IN GUNS.

THEY INSERT THE
BULLETS MANUALLY.

REMEMBER WHEN I SAY
ABOUT JUAN EPSTEIN?

WELL, WHENEVER
HE'S LATE OR ABSENT

HE ALWAYS BRINGS IN A NOTE
AND HE WRITES IT HIMSELF.

HERE'S ONE.

AN ACTUAL NOTE
THAT JUAN HANDED IN.

"DEAR MR. KOTTER,
PLEASE EXCUSE JUAN

FOR BEING ABSENT FOR TWO DAYS.

HE WAS FLOWN TO ROME

FOR AN ECUMENICAL
COUNCIL WITH THE POPE."

- IT'S UH, IT'S SIGNED
"EPSTEIN'S MOTHER."

WELL, WHAT CAN I TELL YOU
PEOPLE ABOUT THE SWEATHOGS

THAT YOU ALREADY HAVEN'T
HEARD ON YOUR POLICE RADIOS?

HEY, THANK YOU.

AND AS THE SWEATHOGS WOULD SAY,

"UP YOUR NOSES
WITH RUBBER HOSES."

GOODNIGHT.

- YOU WERE BEAUTIFUL,
SWEETIE, BABY!

- HEAR THAT, JULIE?

I'VE BEEN PROMOTED
TO "SWEETIE BABY."

- EXCUSE ME, LADY.

I'M EDDIE MITZER, THE OWNER.

YOU DID A GREAT JOB TONIGHT.

- WELL, THANK YOU
VERY MUCH, EDDIE.

- STARTING TUESDAY,

I CAN GET YOU TWO
WEEKS IN JERSEY CITY

AT THE STEAMING CHIPS INN.

$500 A WEEK.

- $500 A WEEK?

Charnoff: IF YOU DO GOOD,
AFTER THAT I GET YOU

PLAYBOY CLUBS,
COLLEGES, CONCERTS.

AND I'M REALLY VERY
HAPPY FOR YOU INSIDE HERE.

WHERE IT COUNTS.

- WOW, THAT'S A
REALLY TEMPTING OFFER.

- YEE-HOO!

- HOWDY, GUYS. YOU
KNOW SOMETHING?

I COME HERE A LOT
AND I ALWAYS WANTED

TO TRY TO GET UP ON STAGE.

- WELL, I'M REALLY GLAD YOU DID.

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
YOU'VE GOT A GREAT TALENT.

DON'T WASTE IT. HEY BABY!

- SO WHAT DO YOU SAY, GABY BABY?

- WELL, I DON'T KNOW. THIS
IS ALL HAPPENING SO FAST.

THAT'S... I SUPPOSE I COULD
GET A LEAVE OF ABSENCE.

Charnoff: YEAH, WELL, C'MON.

- WHAT DO YOU THINK, JULIE?

- KOTTER. KOTTER,
YOU'RE OVER 30.

C'MON, TAKE THE
SHOT WHILE YOU GOT IT.

- MR. KOTTER, YOU WAS TERRIFIC.

Mr. Kotter: THANK YOU, GUYS.

YOU KNOW, I MEAN, THIS IS LIKE
A DREAM COME TRUE FOR ME.

YOU KNOW, I DREAMT
THAT SOMETHING LIKE THIS

WOULD ONE DAY HAPPEN
AND IT'S... I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

- HOW MANY PEOPLE GET TO
SEE THEIR DREAMS COME TRUE?

YOU KNOW, IT'S THE RIGHT MOVE.

I CAN FEEL IT, HERE. INSIDE.

C'MON, WHAT DO YOU SAY?

- WELL, I GUESS, YOU
KNOW, IF YOU GET A CHANCE

TO GRAB AT THAT BRASS RING,
YOU BETTER TAKE IT, RIGHT?

- ALL RIGHT. QUIET EVERYBODY.

QUIET. I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT.

STARTING THIS TUESDAY,
FOR MR. GABE KOTTER,

IT'S GOODBYE TEACHING,
HELLO SHOW BUSINESS.

Narrator: IS GABE KOTTER SERIOUS

ABOUT DOING STANDUP COMEDY?

MORE IMPORTANT, IS HE
FUNNY DOING STANDUP COMEDY?

WILL HE HIT THE HEIGHTS,
THE SKIDS OR THE ROAD?

WILL WOODMAN QUIT HIS JOB AND
BECOME A PROFESSIONAL HECKLER?

HAS KOTTER TURNED HIS
BACK ON THE SWEATHOGS?

NOW, WHO WILL TEACH
THESE DELIGHTFUL LADS?

DOES JULIE WANT THIS FOR GABE?

CAN A MAN MAKE A WHOLE
CAREER OUT OF EPSTEIN'S WALK?

HORSHACK'S LAUGH?

BARBARINO'S CHARM?

AND WASHINGTON'S COOL?

FIND OUT NEXT WEEK ON PART
TWO OF "WELCOME BACK, KOTTER."

PERSONALLY, I THINK THE
KID'S GONNA MAKE IT BIG.

♪ WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪

♪ WELL, THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED ♪

♪ SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪

♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS
HAVE REMAINED ♪

♪ AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪

♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪

♪ ♪

♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA? ♪

♪ ♪

♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪

♪ 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ WE ALWAYS COULD
SPOT A FRIEND ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ AND I SMILE WHEN I THINK... ♪