Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 3, Episode 13 - Swine and Punishment - full transcript
MY UNCLE THOMAS.
YOUR UNCLE THOMAS.
MY UNCLE THOMAS
IS WALKING DOWN
THE STREET ON DAY,
AND HE SEES A MAN
LYING ON THE SIDEWALK
WITH HIS EAR TO THE
GROUND LIKE THIS.
AND?
WELL, UNCLE THOMAS
SAYS, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING,
LYING ON THE SIDEWALK
WITH YOUR EAR TO THE GROUND
LIKE THAT?"
THE GUY GOES, "SHH!"
SO MY UNCLE THOMAS
LIES DOWN ON THE GROUND
AND LISTENS.
HE SAYS, "MISTER, I
DON'T HEAR ANYTHING."
THE GUY GOES, "I KNOW,
IT'S BEEN LIKE THAT ALL DAY!"
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪
♪
OKAY.
NOW.
PARIS KIDNAPPED
HELEN, WHICH STARTED
THE TROJAN WAR.
WHO CAN TELL ME WHAT WAS INSIDE
THE TROJAN HORSE?
BARBARINO.
WHAT WAS WHAT?
WHAT WAS INSIDE
THE TROJAN HORSE?
I DON'T KNOW.
I GUESS THE USUAL
STUFF, YOU KNOW, HAY,
HORSE GUTS.
WRONG.
EPSTEIN.
THERE WAS AN ARMY
INSIDE THE TROJAN HORSE.
IT WAS AN ARMY INSIDE THE
TROJAN HORSE, BARBARINO.
OH, YOU'RE SO SMART, AREN'T YOU?
YOU KNOW, I HOPE THE HOUSING
NEVER GETS THAT BAD HERE.
I WOULDN'T MIND
LIVING IN A HORSE.
SO LONG AS THEY
DIDN'T TRY AND STICK ME
WITH LIVING IN A REAR APARTMENT.
OKAY, NOW THE GREEK ARMY
WAS INSIDE THE TROJAN HORSE.
THAT IS SO CRAZY,
HOW COULD YOU PUT
A WHOLE ARMY IN A HORSE?
THEY DISGUISE
THEMSELVES AS CARROTS.
THAT'S REALLY RIDICULOUS.
AN ARMY INSIDE A HORSE.
I WONDER WHERE
THEY PUT THE NAVY,
IN A COW?
YEAH, THEY WERE
COMMANDED BY REAR ADMIRAL
L.C. LOWFAT.
HEY, IT'S EARLY,
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
KOTTER.
WOULD YOU, UH...
WOULD YOU PLEASE
STOP TELLING JOKES?
THE GROANING DISTURBS
THE OTHER CLASSES.
WHAT ARE FEELIN' BAD
ABOUT TODAY MR. WOODMAN?
FIND OUT THAT SOMEBODY
ELSE IS PLAYING THE GRINCH
THIS CHRISTMAS?
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I'M FEELING
RATHER JOVIAL TODAY, KOTTER,
I'VE JUST SEEN MR. SLOANE,
THE ENGLISH TEACHER.
WASHINGTON HERE GOT A 90
IN HIS LITERATURE TEST.
A 90?
OUT OF HOW MANY?
OUT OF 100, DUMB-DUMB.
A 90, THAT'S AN A, FREDDIE
GOT AN A IN ENGLISH!
THANK YOU, THANK YOU,
THANK YOU, THANK YOU,
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, BUT
I JUST REALLY WANT TO SAY
ONE THING AND THAT IS IF
YOU'RE SLOW, YOU BLOW,
BUT WHEN YOU FAST, YOU PASS!
CORK IT, CORK IT. F'S ARE
WHAT SWEATHOGS GET.
AND THE ONLY REASON YOU GET
F'S IS BECAUSE THE SCHOOL BOARD
WON'T LET US GIVE OUT G'S.
ADMIT IT, WASHINGTON.
YOU CHEATED.
WHAT A SECOND, MR. WOODMAN,
YOU HAVE PROOF THAT HE CHEATED?
KOTTER, THEY COULDN'T
TAKE A BLOOD TEST
WITHOUT CHEATING!
ARE YOU CALLING ME STUPID?
THAT'S CLOSE, BARBARINO.
I'M CALLING ALL OF YOU STUPID.
OH, NOW THAT'S BETTER.
HEY, CAN HE DO THAT?
COME ON, KOTTER WON'T
STAND FOR THAT, WILL YA?
NO, I WON'T.
LOOK, MR. WOODMAN, IF YOU
GOT NOTHIN' BETTER TO DO,
GO OUT AND COACH THE
OLYMPIC MUD-SLINGING TEAM.
SORRY, KOTTER, WORK
BEFORE PLEASURE.
HE CHEATED.
MR. WOODMAN.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TALKIN' ABOUT.
THE REASON I GOT THAT
A IS BECAUSE THE FACTS
ARE RIGHT HERE.
I KNEW IT, WASHINGTON.
YOU HAD THE ANSWERS
WRITTEN IN YOUR HAIR.
LOOK, MR. WOODMAN, IF FREDDIE
SAYS HE PASSED LEGITIMATELY,
I BELIEVE HIM, I
BELIEVE IN FREDDIE.
SO WHAT?
I BELIEVE IN MUSIC.
WAIT, I KNOW A WAY TO PROVE
WHETHER OR NOT HE CHEATED.
HOW?
LET HIM TAKE A MAKE-UP
TEST WITH SLOANE
AND MYSELF IN THE ROOM.
WHY SHOULD I DO THAT?
HE'S RIGHT, WHY
SHOULD HE DO THAT?
I MEAN, HE PASSED THE
TEST FAIR AND SQUARE
AND THAT'S THAT.
HE DID NOT AND THAT'S THAT!
WHAT'S WHAT?
COME ON, COME ON,
GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE CALM YOURSELVES.
WE'RE ALL, UH,
RATIONAL PEOPLE HERE.
I'M NOT.
NOT NOW, ARNOLD, PLEASE.
I'M SORRY, I'M NOT.
I STILL CRY WHEN
SOMEBODY SITS ON MY TEDDY.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
EVERYBODY HERE'S
RATIONAL BUT ARNOLD.
EVERYBODY GOT THAT?
NOW MY DEAR MAN.
WASHINGTON HERE
OBVIOUSLY PASSED THE TEST.
AND HE'S UNDER NO OBLIGATION
TO TAKE ANOTHER ONE.
HOWEVER, TO SILENCE HIS ACCUSER,
HE'LL BE MORE THAN DELIGHTED
THAN TO TAKE ANOTHER ONE.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S THE WAY
ALL Y'ALL FEEL ABOUT IT?
Y'ALL GOT IT.
ATTABOY, FREDDIE.
I'M PROUD OF YOU.
HE'LL TAKE YOUR
TEST, MR. WOODMAN,
NOW WHAT DO YOU
HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT?
♪ HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN ♪
♪ THE SKIES ABOVE
AND CLEAR AGAIN... ♪
OKAY, WHAT DO YOU
WANT TO DO, ROBIN?
I HAVE A SIX.
YOU GOT 17.
YOU WANT A HIT?
OKAY.
YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED
TO, YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO STAY ON 17.
YES, YOU ARE.
DON'T EAT THE CARDS, ROBIN.
COME ON, HERE YOU GO.
YOU GOT 21.
NO, NO, NO, YOU DON'T EAT 21.
21'S A GOOD HAND.
I GOT 17, YOU WIN.
YOU WIN, ROBIN BOBBIN.
OKAY, HONEY, CASH HER
IN, SHE'S GOTTA GO TO SLEEP.
HER SISTER'S ALREADY TUCKED IN.
HEY, NOBODY LEAVES
THIS CASINO A WINNER.
YOU CAN GET EVEN
TOMORROW, YOU CAN PLAY HER
FOR STRINGED CARROT, OKAY?
LET'S GO. IT'S
TIME TO GO SLEEPY.
YES IT IS.
IT'S TIME TO GO
SLEEPY, ROBIN BOBBIN.
YES IT IS.
HERE WE GO, SLEEPYTIME,
SAY HELLO TO YOUR SISTER.
I'LL GET IT, HONEY.
HI, FREDDIE.
HEY, HOW YOU DOIN', MRS. KOTTER.
- Y'ALL BUSY?
- NO, COME ON IN.
- HOW'S THE KOTTERETTES?
- OH, THEY'RE FINE.
HONEY, FREDDIE'S HERE.
NO, HE'S NOT, HE'S
HOME STUDYING.
HIS TEST IS TOMORROW.
OH, WELL THEN YOU
BETTER CALL THE POLICE
BECAUSE SOMEBODY STOLE HIS FACE.
YOU WILL NEVER GET AWAY
WITH THIS, MY GOOD MAN.
FREDDIE WASHINGTON
WAS LOVED BY ALL.
NOW TAKE THAT THING OFF.
YEAH, I JUST WANTED TO
THANK YOU, MR. KOTTER,
FOR STICKING UP FOR
ME TODAY IN CLASS.
DON'T MENTION IT. NOW
GO HOME AND STUDY.
SEE, IF IT WASN'T FOR
YOU, MR. KOTTER, MAN,
US SWEATHOGS WOULDN'T
HAVE NOBODY ON OUR SIDE, MAN.
WELL, FREDDIE, YOU
KNOW THAT GABE
ALWAYS PULLS FOR THE UNDERDOG.
YOU KNOW, HE IS STILL
PULLING FOR AMELIA EARHART
TO LAND IN NEWARK.
SHE JUST HAD A
LOUSY TRAVEL AGENT.
AH, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT TOMORROW.
I JUST DON'T KNOW.
YOU KNOW, WHAT IF
SOMETHING GOES WRONG?
LOOK, STOP WORRYING, OKAY?
YEAH. BUT SOMETHING...
FREDDIE, NO MORE BUTS!
YOU'RE GONNA DO FINE!
LOOK, FREDDIE, YOU
KNOW THE MATERIAL,
YOU GOT A 90 ON THE FIRST TEST,
ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS BRUSH UP.
TELL YOU WHAT. SIT DOWN.
I'LL PLAY YOU ONE HAND
OF BLACK JACK, OKAY?
NOW, IF YOU WIN YOU GET A SODA,
AND THEN YOU GO HOME AND STUDY.
IF I LOSE?
YOU GO HOME AND STUDY
AND MAYBE GET A SODA.
GO AHEAD, DEAL.
WHAT KIND OF SODA
DO YOU WANT, FREDDIE?
HE DIDN'T WIN YET.
HE WILL.
I'LL TAKE A ROOT BEER.
MR. KOTTER.
YOU WANT ANOTHER CARD?
NO, I GOT BLACK JACK.
GIVE HIM THE SODA.
HOW'D YOU GET BLACK
JACK IN THE FIRST HAND,
HOW'D YOU DO THAT?
I CHEATED.
HOW COULD YOU CHEAT,
GABE WAS DEALING!
I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT
IN THE CARDS THERE, UM...
SEE, I... I CHEATED
ON MR. SLOANE'S TEST.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
GO AHEAD, YELL
AT ME, MR. KOTTER.
I KNOW I GOT IT COMING.
YELLING ISN'T GONNA
SOLVE ANYTHING, FREDDIE.
FREDDIE, WHY DON'T
YOU JUST GO HOME?
GO HOME, WE'LL TALK...
I'LL TELL WOODMAN
TOMORROW, OKAY?
HONEY!
WHAT DO YOU WANT
ME TO DO, JULIE?
I THOUGHT I HAD A
RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS GUY.
BUILT ON TWO YEARS OF
TRUST AND UNDERSTANDING.
HE JUST THREW IT
ALL OUT THE WINDOW.
GO AHEAD, FREDDIE, GO HOME.
ALL RIGHT.
WHERE YOU GOING?
- HOME.
- SIT DOWN.
MR. KOTTER, YOU GOT TO
MAKE YOUR MIND UP, YOU KNOW,
THINGS ARE BAD ENOUGH, YOU KNOW?
WHY DID YOU CHEAT?
WHY DID I CHEAT?
'CAUSE I REALLY KNEW
THAT STUFF ABOUT
THE THREE MUSKETEERS.
WHAT?
LOOK, DIG WHAT I'M SAYIN',
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
OKAY, LOOK.
NOW IN A SUBJECT LIKE GEOMETRY,
IF I GET A 65, I DON'T CARE.
'CAUSE SEE, I EXPECT TO FAIL.
SEE, I CAN'T TELL ONE
TRIANGLE FROM ANOTHER,
I MEAN, THEY ALL
LOOK ALIKE TO ME.
NOW, YOU WITH ME?
I AM HANGING BY MY THUMBS.
OKAY, NOW WHAT I'M
SAYIN' NOW, MR. KOTTER,
IS ABOUT THEM THREE MUSKETEERS?
I KNOW ALL ABOUT THEM DUDES.
I READ THE BOOK EIGHT TIMES,
I SAW THE MOVIE TWICE.
IN FACT, IT'S EVEN MY
FAVORITE CANDY BAR.
WELL, THEN WHY DID
YOU CHEAT, FREDDIE?
'CAUSE I WANTED TO PASS.
BUT YOU JUST SAID
YOU KNOW THE MATERIAL.
THE FACT IS... I
DON'T TRUST MYSELF.
I UNDERSTAND, FREDDIE.
NO, I REALLY UNDERSTAND.
LET ME TELL YOU A LITTLE STORY.
WHEN I WENT TO
SCHOOL AT BUCHANAN,
THERE WAS A GUY NAMED
TOO-TALL TANNENBAUM.
YOU KNOW.
THIS ALSO REMINDS ME OF A STORY
OF THE LONG-NECKED CRANE.
WAIT A SECOND, JULIE,
MY STORY COMES FIRST.
YEAH, WELL, UH, MAYBE SO,
BUT I THINK I'D RATHER HEAR
ABOUT THE LONG-NECKED CRANE.
WELL, YOU SEE, FREDDIE,
THE LONG-NECKED CRANE
USED TO FLY ON GOSSAMER WINGS.
YEAH.
ON SECOND THOUGHT, TELL ME ABOUT
TOO-TALL TANNENBAUM.
OKAY. TOO-TALL TANNENBAUM
WAS A GREAT BASKETBALL PLAYER.
HE USED TO STAND
AT THE FOUL LINE
AND TAKE SHOTS, JUMP
SHOTS, HOOK SHOTS,
EVERY KIND OF SHOT,
MAKE 49 OUT OF 50.
JUST LIKE THE CRANE!
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
COULD THE CRANE PLAY BASKETBALL?
NO, BUT HE WAS A GREAT FLIER
WHEN HE WAS ALL ALONE,
NOT WHEN THE OTHER
CRANES WERE WATCHING HIM.
SAME THING WITH
TOO-TALL TANNENBAUM.
HE COULD SHOOT
GREAT, BUT HE COULDN'T
PLAY BASKETBALL IN A REAL GAME.
YOU SEE, IT'S THE
SAME STORY, FREDDIE,
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
I THINK SO.
LET ME SEE IF I GOT THIS NOW.
NOW YOU SAYIN' YOU
GOT A BASKETBALL PLAYER
WHO CAN'T FLY, AND
YOU GOT A CRANE
THAT CAN'T SHOOT BASKETS.
NOT EXACTLY, BUT IT'S
THE SAME GENERAL IDEA.
LET ME TELL YOU
WHAT THE WIND-UP WAS.
NO, NO, NO, I'M
WAY AHEAD OF YOU.
NOW WHAT YOU SAYIN' IS
THAT, TOO-TALL LEARNED
TO TRUST HIMSELF AND BECAME
A LEADER OF THE TEAM, RIGHT?
RIGHT, YOU GOT IT!
AND WHAT YOU SAYING
IS THAT THE CRANE
LEARNED TO TRUST HIMSELF
AND BECAME THE LEADER
OF THE FLOCK, RIGHT?
WRONG. HE TRIED TO
FLY WITH HIS EYES CLOSED
AND SMASHED INTO A MOUNTAIN.
WHAT KIND OF STORY IS THAT?
IT'S A FUNNY STORY.
WELL, IF YOU DON'T
MIND, I'M GONNA STICK
WITH THE TANNENBAUM
STORY, ALL RIGHT?
MRS. KOTTER, IF I SEE A CRANE
IN A NECK BRACE, I
GIVE HIM YOUR REGARDS.
THANKS A LOT, MR. KOTTER.
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.
AND MRS. KOTTER, THANK
YOU, YOU'VE BEEN A BIG HELP.
RIGHT ON.
CHECK Y'ALL LATER.
THANKS A LOT.
WHAT KIND OF STORY IS
THAT, A CRANE CRASHES
INTO A MOUNTAIN?
WELL, WHAT KIND OF STORY IS THAT
TOO-TALL TANNENBAUM?
WELL, TOO-TALL
TANNENBAUM HAPPENS TO BE
A REAL PERSON.
YOU DON'T KNOW ANY REAL
PEOPLE, YOU ONLY KNOW
JOKE PEOPLE.
DID I EVER TELL YOU ABOUT
TOO-TALL TANNENBAUM'S UNCLE,
TOO-SHORT TANNENBAUM?
NOW, ONE TIME HE WAS
WALKIN' DOWN THE STREET,
AND HE SEES THIS GUY...
HEY, HEY, HEY.
COME ON, NOW, FREDDIE.
NO NEED TO STRAIN
YOUR BRAIN, WE GOT IT ALL
FIGURED OUT HERE.
CHECK IT OUT, CHECK IT OUT.
YOU GOT ALL WHAT FIGURED
OUT? WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?
HOW YOU CAN CHEAT
SO YOU CAN PASS
THAT TEST OF SLOANE'S.
NO, GUYS, I'M NOT GONNA CHEAT.
NO OFFENSE, FREDDIE,
BUT IF YOU HAD TO CHEAT
THE FIRST TIME... WELL, ARNOLD.
IT'S DIFFERENT THIS
TIME, ALL RIGHT? BE COOL.
EXACTLY, HERE, SO,
GIVE ME THIS KID, VINNIE.
WE GOT THE ANSWER
TO ALL YOUR PROBLEMS.
VIOLA!
THE ANSWER SANDWICH.
SEE, NOW THIS IS PERFECT.
WHEN YOU GO AND
YOU TELL MR. SLOANE
THAT YOU AIN'T HAD NO BREAKFAST,
AND YOU BROUGHT
THIS SANDWICH HERE
TO CHOMP ON DURING THE TEST.
NOW, DIG THIS.
HEH-HEH, DIG THIS.
DIG THIS.
EVERYTHING ABOUT
THE THREE MUSKETEERS
HAS BEEN CAREFULLY
WRITTEN ON THE COLD CUTS.
COME AGAIN?
LOOK, LOOK, IT'S
VERY SIMPLE, FREDDIE,
LOOK, YOU HAVE YOUR
SANDWICH LIKE SO, RIGHT?
YOU'RE SITTING IN THE CLASSROOM,
AND THEN YOU SAY,
"HEY, MR. SLOANE,
WHY DON'T YOU COME
OVER AND CHECK OUT
AND SEE IF I'M CHEATIN' OR NOT?
SEE IF I GOT SOMETHING
WRITTEN ON THE WAX PAPER."
THEN HE COMES OVER,
RIGHT, AND HE SEES THAT
THERE AIN'T NOTHIN' ON
THE WAX PAPER BUT WAX.
WE'RE SO SMART.
HERE, HERE, HERE, LET ME
CIRCUMNAVIGATE THIS HERE.
NOW.
NOW THE COLD CUTS
ARE THERE DIVIDED INTO
THREE CATEGORIES.
THE TONGUE IS ALEXANDER DUMAS.
THE THREE MUSKETEERS
ARE BOLOGNA.
AND, UH... FRANCE
IS A POLISH SAUSAGE.
ARNOLD, YOU USED MUSTARD!
SO, FREDDIE LIKES MUSTARD.
YEAH, BUT I TOLD YOU
NOT TO USE MUSTARD.
YOU CAN'T SEE THROUGH
MUSTARD, I TOLD YOU TO USE MAYO!
GIVE IT TO ME, I'LL
WRITE ON THE PICKLES.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT A
THING, IN FACT, DON'T BOTHER,
'CAUSE I AIN'T GONNA
USE IT, ALL RIGHT?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THESE ANSWERS
COST US $1.95 A POUND.
YEAH, YEAH, AND NOT ONLY
THAT, THIS IS THE PERFECT
CHEATING SYSTEM.
I MEAN, WHEN YOU'RE
FINISHED WITH THE TEST,
YOU EAT THE EVIDENCE!
NOW LOOK, NO WAY!
I'M NOT GONNA CHEAT.
FREDDIE, YOU GOTTA CHEAT.
YOU CAN'T LET WOODMAN GO AROUND
CALLING YOU A CHEATER.
HEY, VINNIE, LOOK.
VINNIE, JUAN, ARNOLD,
LISTEN TO ME, ALL RIGHT?
LOOK, I'M GONNA TRY
AND TAKE THE TEST
AND PASS ON THE UP AND UP.
HEY, FREDDIE.
WELL, YOU READY?
YEAH.
YEAH, I THINK SO.
WELL, JUST REMEMBER.
TOO-TALL TANNENBAUM.
YEAH.
GOTTA TRUST MYSELF.
WELL.
IF IT ISN'T THE FOUR MUSKETEERS.
HARPO, GROUCHO,
CHICO, AND FLUNKO.
HAVE YOUR FUN NOW.
JUST WAIT TILL
THIS TEST IS OVER.
♪ HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN ♪
WELL, UM, I GUESS I
BETTER GO IN, RIGHT?
YEAH. AND THE REST OF YOU
GUYS, THERE'S A CLASS STARTING
RIGHT NOW INSIDE, SO.
GOOD LUCK, FREDDIE.
WAIT A MINUTE, LITTLE MUSKETEER.
YOU ARE NOT GOING TO
SULLY FORTH INTO BATTLE
WITHOUT THE SUPPORT
OF YOUR FRIENDS, ARE YOU?
ALL FOR ONE, AND ONE FOR ALL.
SELL HIM WHERE
YOU LIVE, FREDDIE.
RAH-RAH, THAT'S THE SPIRIT.
THIS IS THE BEST
TEST I EVER ATE.
ALL RIGHT, SO THE WINDUP
WAS THAT ANDREW JOHNSON
NARROWLY MISSED IMPEACHMENT.
EPSTEIN.
HEY, MR. KOTTER, WHY DO
WE GOT TO READ ABOUT PEOPLE
WHO LIVED 100 YEARS AGO?
THEY AIN'T NEVER
GONNA READ ABOUT US.
OOH, OOH, OOH!
I WISH THAT I WAS
BORN 100 YEARS AGO.
THAT WAY I HAVE 100 LESS
YEARS OF HISTORY TO REMEMBER.
AREN'T YOU PEOPLE INTERESTED
IN HOW OTHER PEOPLES LIVED?
OKAY, MR. KOTTER.
WE LEARN ABOUT HISTORY
IN THIS CLASS, RIGHT?
ONCE A WHILE, IT DOES COME UP.
I GOT A QUESTION
PERTAINING TO HISTORY.
NOW, IN THE DARK AGES,
DID THEY HAVE SUNLIGHT?
OKAY, NOW...
SO YOU SEE, MR. WOODMAN,
WHAT DUMAS WAS REALLY
TALKIN' ABOUT WAS
THAT A MAN'S MAN
WAS NOT AFRAID TO SHOW AFFECTION
FOR ANOTHER MAN, YOU
DIG WHAT I'M SAYIN', RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT, WASHINGTON.
DON'T RUB IT IN.
FREDDIE, HOW'D
YOU DO ON THE TEST?
I'LL BE WITH YOU IN A
MINUTE, MR. KOTTER.
NOW, MR. WOODMAN, WHAT
I'M SAYING IS THAT DUMAS SAID...
DID YOU PASS?
DID I... DID I PASS?
GOT A 84!
I'LL BE IN, UH, SLOANE'S ROOM
AND CHECK THE
TEST RESULTS AGAIN.
MAYBE SLOANE MADE A MISTAKE.
♪ DON'T KNOW WHY ♪
♪ THERE'S NO SUN UP IN THE SKY ♪
LUNCH, LET'S GO GET LUNCH.
FREDDIE, I'M GONNA
GO BUY YOU LUNCH,
PICK UP THE CHECK, AND, UH,
GIVE IT TO ARNOLD HERE.
YOU KNOW WHAT, FREDDIE?
THE REALLY BEAUTIFUL
THING ABOUT...
ABOUT NOT CHEATIN'.
YOU NEVER GOTTA WORRY
ABOUT GETTIN' CAUGHT.
FREDDIE.
- CAN I SEE YOU A SECOND?
- SURE.
HEY, I'LL CATCH
Y'ALL UP IN A MINUTE.
WAIT UP.
WHAT'S UP, MR. KOTTER?
FREDDIE, ISN'T THERE
SOMETHING YOU HAVE TO DO NOW?
WHAT?
YOU GOTTA TELL MR. SLOANE
ABOUT THE FIRST TEST.
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING
MR. KOTTER, ALL RIGHT?
NOW, SUPPOSE...
NOW JUST SUPPOSE I
WAS GONNA TELL YOU THAT
I WAS NEVER GONNA
CHEAT ON A TEST AGAIN.
WOULD YOU BELIEVE ME?
YES.
WHAT'S DONE IS DONE, MR. KOTTER,
DON'T MAKE NO SENSE
TO DIG UP DEAD BODIES.
FREDDIE.
THE FACT THAT YOU
GOT AN 84 ON THIS TEST,
THAT DOESN'T ERASE THE
FACT THAT YOU CHEATED
ON THE FIRST TEST.
OKAY, WHAT DOES?
ONLY THING THAT DOES IS
GOING INTO MR. SLOANE'S CLASS
AND FESSING UP.
TELLING HIM THAT YOU CHEATED.
WOW, MAN.
I GUESS...
I GUESS I GOTTA DO
THAT LITTLE THING, HUH?
FREDDIE, IT'S UP
TO YOU, BUT, UH...
IF YOU DON'T GO, I'LL
BE FORCED TO TELL YOU
ANOTHER TOO-TALL
TANNENBAUM STORY.
OKAY, MR. KOTTER.
MR. KOTTER, IT'S NOT
GONNA BE EASY YOU KNOW,
BUT THERE IS ONE
THING I'D LIKE TO SAY.
YOU'RE A PRETTY GOOD TEACHER.
BUT YOU'RE A BETTER FRIEND.
♪
WELL, MY BROTHER WILL BE
OVER ANY SECOND, HONEY.
YOU DID A TERRIFIC JOB.
AND WITH A BROKEN ARM, NO LESS.
AW, THANKS, HONEY, IT'S GONNA BE
A REAL HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
YEAH.
HEY, DID I EVER TELL YOU
WHAT HAPPENED TO MY UNCLE?
HONEY, LET'S KEEP
IT HAPPY, OKAY?
NO, THIS IS A REALLY CUTE STORY.
YOU SEE, MY UNCLE WALKED
INTO THIS RESTAURANT...
GABE, I THINK I HEAR THE BABIES.
I DON'T HEAR ANYTHING.
THEY'RE GONNA START
CRYING ANY SECOND.
IT'S A GOOD STORY!
IT'S A GOOD STORY.
DID I EVER TELL YOU WHAT
HAPPENED TO MY UNCLE
ON THANKSGIVING?
WELL...
THAT'S BETTER.
MY UNCLE ROBERT GOES
INTO THIS RESTAURANT
FOR THANKSGIVING DINNER.
AND THE OWNER COMES
UP TO HIM AFTER THE MEAL,
HE SAYS, "MR. KOTTER,
HOW'D YOU LIKE DINNER?"
MY UNCLE SAYS, "IT WAS
GOOD, BUT YOU ONLY GAVE ME
TWO SLICES OF BREAD."
NOW THE NEXT YEAR,
MY UNCLE GOES BACK
TO THE SAME RESTAURANT
AND THE OWNER REMEMBERS HIM,
SO HE SAYS TO THE WAITER,
"SEE THAT GUY OVER THERE?
MAKE SURE THIS YEAR HE'S
GOT FOUR SLICES OF BREAD."
SO HE GOES UP TO MY
UNCLE AFTER THE MEAL,
HE SAYS, "WELL, MR. KOTTER,
HOW'D YOU LIKE IT THIS YEAR?"
AND MY UNCLE SAID,
"WELL, UH, IT WAS OKAY
BUT YOU STILL DIDN'T
GIVE ME ENOUGH BREAD."
SO THE NEXT
THANKSGIVING HE COMES IN,
THE OWNER SAYS, "WELL THAT'S
THE GUY WHO NEVER THINKS
HE HAS ENOUGH BREAD."
HE TAKES A BIG LONG FRENCH BREAD
AND HE CUTS IT RIGHT
DOWN THE CENTER,
HE SAYS, "HERE, GIVE HIM THIS."
SO AFTER THE MEAL, HE
WALKS OVER TO MY UNCLE,
HE SAYS, "MR. KOTTER,
HOW'D YOU LIKE IT THIS YEAR?"
AND MY UNCLE SAYS,
"WELL, IT WAS OKAY,
BUT WHY DID YOU GO
BACK TO TWO SLICES?"
YOU GOT NO SENSE OF HUMOR.
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WE ALWAYS COULD
SPOT A FRIEND ♪♪
YOUR UNCLE THOMAS.
MY UNCLE THOMAS
IS WALKING DOWN
THE STREET ON DAY,
AND HE SEES A MAN
LYING ON THE SIDEWALK
WITH HIS EAR TO THE
GROUND LIKE THIS.
AND?
WELL, UNCLE THOMAS
SAYS, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING,
LYING ON THE SIDEWALK
WITH YOUR EAR TO THE GROUND
LIKE THAT?"
THE GUY GOES, "SHH!"
SO MY UNCLE THOMAS
LIES DOWN ON THE GROUND
AND LISTENS.
HE SAYS, "MISTER, I
DON'T HEAR ANYTHING."
THE GUY GOES, "I KNOW,
IT'S BEEN LIKE THAT ALL DAY!"
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪
♪
OKAY.
NOW.
PARIS KIDNAPPED
HELEN, WHICH STARTED
THE TROJAN WAR.
WHO CAN TELL ME WHAT WAS INSIDE
THE TROJAN HORSE?
BARBARINO.
WHAT WAS WHAT?
WHAT WAS INSIDE
THE TROJAN HORSE?
I DON'T KNOW.
I GUESS THE USUAL
STUFF, YOU KNOW, HAY,
HORSE GUTS.
WRONG.
EPSTEIN.
THERE WAS AN ARMY
INSIDE THE TROJAN HORSE.
IT WAS AN ARMY INSIDE THE
TROJAN HORSE, BARBARINO.
OH, YOU'RE SO SMART, AREN'T YOU?
YOU KNOW, I HOPE THE HOUSING
NEVER GETS THAT BAD HERE.
I WOULDN'T MIND
LIVING IN A HORSE.
SO LONG AS THEY
DIDN'T TRY AND STICK ME
WITH LIVING IN A REAR APARTMENT.
OKAY, NOW THE GREEK ARMY
WAS INSIDE THE TROJAN HORSE.
THAT IS SO CRAZY,
HOW COULD YOU PUT
A WHOLE ARMY IN A HORSE?
THEY DISGUISE
THEMSELVES AS CARROTS.
THAT'S REALLY RIDICULOUS.
AN ARMY INSIDE A HORSE.
I WONDER WHERE
THEY PUT THE NAVY,
IN A COW?
YEAH, THEY WERE
COMMANDED BY REAR ADMIRAL
L.C. LOWFAT.
HEY, IT'S EARLY,
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
KOTTER.
WOULD YOU, UH...
WOULD YOU PLEASE
STOP TELLING JOKES?
THE GROANING DISTURBS
THE OTHER CLASSES.
WHAT ARE FEELIN' BAD
ABOUT TODAY MR. WOODMAN?
FIND OUT THAT SOMEBODY
ELSE IS PLAYING THE GRINCH
THIS CHRISTMAS?
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I'M FEELING
RATHER JOVIAL TODAY, KOTTER,
I'VE JUST SEEN MR. SLOANE,
THE ENGLISH TEACHER.
WASHINGTON HERE GOT A 90
IN HIS LITERATURE TEST.
A 90?
OUT OF HOW MANY?
OUT OF 100, DUMB-DUMB.
A 90, THAT'S AN A, FREDDIE
GOT AN A IN ENGLISH!
THANK YOU, THANK YOU,
THANK YOU, THANK YOU,
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, BUT
I JUST REALLY WANT TO SAY
ONE THING AND THAT IS IF
YOU'RE SLOW, YOU BLOW,
BUT WHEN YOU FAST, YOU PASS!
CORK IT, CORK IT. F'S ARE
WHAT SWEATHOGS GET.
AND THE ONLY REASON YOU GET
F'S IS BECAUSE THE SCHOOL BOARD
WON'T LET US GIVE OUT G'S.
ADMIT IT, WASHINGTON.
YOU CHEATED.
WHAT A SECOND, MR. WOODMAN,
YOU HAVE PROOF THAT HE CHEATED?
KOTTER, THEY COULDN'T
TAKE A BLOOD TEST
WITHOUT CHEATING!
ARE YOU CALLING ME STUPID?
THAT'S CLOSE, BARBARINO.
I'M CALLING ALL OF YOU STUPID.
OH, NOW THAT'S BETTER.
HEY, CAN HE DO THAT?
COME ON, KOTTER WON'T
STAND FOR THAT, WILL YA?
NO, I WON'T.
LOOK, MR. WOODMAN, IF YOU
GOT NOTHIN' BETTER TO DO,
GO OUT AND COACH THE
OLYMPIC MUD-SLINGING TEAM.
SORRY, KOTTER, WORK
BEFORE PLEASURE.
HE CHEATED.
MR. WOODMAN.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TALKIN' ABOUT.
THE REASON I GOT THAT
A IS BECAUSE THE FACTS
ARE RIGHT HERE.
I KNEW IT, WASHINGTON.
YOU HAD THE ANSWERS
WRITTEN IN YOUR HAIR.
LOOK, MR. WOODMAN, IF FREDDIE
SAYS HE PASSED LEGITIMATELY,
I BELIEVE HIM, I
BELIEVE IN FREDDIE.
SO WHAT?
I BELIEVE IN MUSIC.
WAIT, I KNOW A WAY TO PROVE
WHETHER OR NOT HE CHEATED.
HOW?
LET HIM TAKE A MAKE-UP
TEST WITH SLOANE
AND MYSELF IN THE ROOM.
WHY SHOULD I DO THAT?
HE'S RIGHT, WHY
SHOULD HE DO THAT?
I MEAN, HE PASSED THE
TEST FAIR AND SQUARE
AND THAT'S THAT.
HE DID NOT AND THAT'S THAT!
WHAT'S WHAT?
COME ON, COME ON,
GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE CALM YOURSELVES.
WE'RE ALL, UH,
RATIONAL PEOPLE HERE.
I'M NOT.
NOT NOW, ARNOLD, PLEASE.
I'M SORRY, I'M NOT.
I STILL CRY WHEN
SOMEBODY SITS ON MY TEDDY.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
EVERYBODY HERE'S
RATIONAL BUT ARNOLD.
EVERYBODY GOT THAT?
NOW MY DEAR MAN.
WASHINGTON HERE
OBVIOUSLY PASSED THE TEST.
AND HE'S UNDER NO OBLIGATION
TO TAKE ANOTHER ONE.
HOWEVER, TO SILENCE HIS ACCUSER,
HE'LL BE MORE THAN DELIGHTED
THAN TO TAKE ANOTHER ONE.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S THE WAY
ALL Y'ALL FEEL ABOUT IT?
Y'ALL GOT IT.
ATTABOY, FREDDIE.
I'M PROUD OF YOU.
HE'LL TAKE YOUR
TEST, MR. WOODMAN,
NOW WHAT DO YOU
HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT?
♪ HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN ♪
♪ THE SKIES ABOVE
AND CLEAR AGAIN... ♪
OKAY, WHAT DO YOU
WANT TO DO, ROBIN?
I HAVE A SIX.
YOU GOT 17.
YOU WANT A HIT?
OKAY.
YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED
TO, YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO STAY ON 17.
YES, YOU ARE.
DON'T EAT THE CARDS, ROBIN.
COME ON, HERE YOU GO.
YOU GOT 21.
NO, NO, NO, YOU DON'T EAT 21.
21'S A GOOD HAND.
I GOT 17, YOU WIN.
YOU WIN, ROBIN BOBBIN.
OKAY, HONEY, CASH HER
IN, SHE'S GOTTA GO TO SLEEP.
HER SISTER'S ALREADY TUCKED IN.
HEY, NOBODY LEAVES
THIS CASINO A WINNER.
YOU CAN GET EVEN
TOMORROW, YOU CAN PLAY HER
FOR STRINGED CARROT, OKAY?
LET'S GO. IT'S
TIME TO GO SLEEPY.
YES IT IS.
IT'S TIME TO GO
SLEEPY, ROBIN BOBBIN.
YES IT IS.
HERE WE GO, SLEEPYTIME,
SAY HELLO TO YOUR SISTER.
I'LL GET IT, HONEY.
HI, FREDDIE.
HEY, HOW YOU DOIN', MRS. KOTTER.
- Y'ALL BUSY?
- NO, COME ON IN.
- HOW'S THE KOTTERETTES?
- OH, THEY'RE FINE.
HONEY, FREDDIE'S HERE.
NO, HE'S NOT, HE'S
HOME STUDYING.
HIS TEST IS TOMORROW.
OH, WELL THEN YOU
BETTER CALL THE POLICE
BECAUSE SOMEBODY STOLE HIS FACE.
YOU WILL NEVER GET AWAY
WITH THIS, MY GOOD MAN.
FREDDIE WASHINGTON
WAS LOVED BY ALL.
NOW TAKE THAT THING OFF.
YEAH, I JUST WANTED TO
THANK YOU, MR. KOTTER,
FOR STICKING UP FOR
ME TODAY IN CLASS.
DON'T MENTION IT. NOW
GO HOME AND STUDY.
SEE, IF IT WASN'T FOR
YOU, MR. KOTTER, MAN,
US SWEATHOGS WOULDN'T
HAVE NOBODY ON OUR SIDE, MAN.
WELL, FREDDIE, YOU
KNOW THAT GABE
ALWAYS PULLS FOR THE UNDERDOG.
YOU KNOW, HE IS STILL
PULLING FOR AMELIA EARHART
TO LAND IN NEWARK.
SHE JUST HAD A
LOUSY TRAVEL AGENT.
AH, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT TOMORROW.
I JUST DON'T KNOW.
YOU KNOW, WHAT IF
SOMETHING GOES WRONG?
LOOK, STOP WORRYING, OKAY?
YEAH. BUT SOMETHING...
FREDDIE, NO MORE BUTS!
YOU'RE GONNA DO FINE!
LOOK, FREDDIE, YOU
KNOW THE MATERIAL,
YOU GOT A 90 ON THE FIRST TEST,
ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS BRUSH UP.
TELL YOU WHAT. SIT DOWN.
I'LL PLAY YOU ONE HAND
OF BLACK JACK, OKAY?
NOW, IF YOU WIN YOU GET A SODA,
AND THEN YOU GO HOME AND STUDY.
IF I LOSE?
YOU GO HOME AND STUDY
AND MAYBE GET A SODA.
GO AHEAD, DEAL.
WHAT KIND OF SODA
DO YOU WANT, FREDDIE?
HE DIDN'T WIN YET.
HE WILL.
I'LL TAKE A ROOT BEER.
MR. KOTTER.
YOU WANT ANOTHER CARD?
NO, I GOT BLACK JACK.
GIVE HIM THE SODA.
HOW'D YOU GET BLACK
JACK IN THE FIRST HAND,
HOW'D YOU DO THAT?
I CHEATED.
HOW COULD YOU CHEAT,
GABE WAS DEALING!
I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT
IN THE CARDS THERE, UM...
SEE, I... I CHEATED
ON MR. SLOANE'S TEST.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
GO AHEAD, YELL
AT ME, MR. KOTTER.
I KNOW I GOT IT COMING.
YELLING ISN'T GONNA
SOLVE ANYTHING, FREDDIE.
FREDDIE, WHY DON'T
YOU JUST GO HOME?
GO HOME, WE'LL TALK...
I'LL TELL WOODMAN
TOMORROW, OKAY?
HONEY!
WHAT DO YOU WANT
ME TO DO, JULIE?
I THOUGHT I HAD A
RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS GUY.
BUILT ON TWO YEARS OF
TRUST AND UNDERSTANDING.
HE JUST THREW IT
ALL OUT THE WINDOW.
GO AHEAD, FREDDIE, GO HOME.
ALL RIGHT.
WHERE YOU GOING?
- HOME.
- SIT DOWN.
MR. KOTTER, YOU GOT TO
MAKE YOUR MIND UP, YOU KNOW,
THINGS ARE BAD ENOUGH, YOU KNOW?
WHY DID YOU CHEAT?
WHY DID I CHEAT?
'CAUSE I REALLY KNEW
THAT STUFF ABOUT
THE THREE MUSKETEERS.
WHAT?
LOOK, DIG WHAT I'M SAYIN',
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
OKAY, LOOK.
NOW IN A SUBJECT LIKE GEOMETRY,
IF I GET A 65, I DON'T CARE.
'CAUSE SEE, I EXPECT TO FAIL.
SEE, I CAN'T TELL ONE
TRIANGLE FROM ANOTHER,
I MEAN, THEY ALL
LOOK ALIKE TO ME.
NOW, YOU WITH ME?
I AM HANGING BY MY THUMBS.
OKAY, NOW WHAT I'M
SAYIN' NOW, MR. KOTTER,
IS ABOUT THEM THREE MUSKETEERS?
I KNOW ALL ABOUT THEM DUDES.
I READ THE BOOK EIGHT TIMES,
I SAW THE MOVIE TWICE.
IN FACT, IT'S EVEN MY
FAVORITE CANDY BAR.
WELL, THEN WHY DID
YOU CHEAT, FREDDIE?
'CAUSE I WANTED TO PASS.
BUT YOU JUST SAID
YOU KNOW THE MATERIAL.
THE FACT IS... I
DON'T TRUST MYSELF.
I UNDERSTAND, FREDDIE.
NO, I REALLY UNDERSTAND.
LET ME TELL YOU A LITTLE STORY.
WHEN I WENT TO
SCHOOL AT BUCHANAN,
THERE WAS A GUY NAMED
TOO-TALL TANNENBAUM.
YOU KNOW.
THIS ALSO REMINDS ME OF A STORY
OF THE LONG-NECKED CRANE.
WAIT A SECOND, JULIE,
MY STORY COMES FIRST.
YEAH, WELL, UH, MAYBE SO,
BUT I THINK I'D RATHER HEAR
ABOUT THE LONG-NECKED CRANE.
WELL, YOU SEE, FREDDIE,
THE LONG-NECKED CRANE
USED TO FLY ON GOSSAMER WINGS.
YEAH.
ON SECOND THOUGHT, TELL ME ABOUT
TOO-TALL TANNENBAUM.
OKAY. TOO-TALL TANNENBAUM
WAS A GREAT BASKETBALL PLAYER.
HE USED TO STAND
AT THE FOUL LINE
AND TAKE SHOTS, JUMP
SHOTS, HOOK SHOTS,
EVERY KIND OF SHOT,
MAKE 49 OUT OF 50.
JUST LIKE THE CRANE!
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
COULD THE CRANE PLAY BASKETBALL?
NO, BUT HE WAS A GREAT FLIER
WHEN HE WAS ALL ALONE,
NOT WHEN THE OTHER
CRANES WERE WATCHING HIM.
SAME THING WITH
TOO-TALL TANNENBAUM.
HE COULD SHOOT
GREAT, BUT HE COULDN'T
PLAY BASKETBALL IN A REAL GAME.
YOU SEE, IT'S THE
SAME STORY, FREDDIE,
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
I THINK SO.
LET ME SEE IF I GOT THIS NOW.
NOW YOU SAYIN' YOU
GOT A BASKETBALL PLAYER
WHO CAN'T FLY, AND
YOU GOT A CRANE
THAT CAN'T SHOOT BASKETS.
NOT EXACTLY, BUT IT'S
THE SAME GENERAL IDEA.
LET ME TELL YOU
WHAT THE WIND-UP WAS.
NO, NO, NO, I'M
WAY AHEAD OF YOU.
NOW WHAT YOU SAYIN' IS
THAT, TOO-TALL LEARNED
TO TRUST HIMSELF AND BECAME
A LEADER OF THE TEAM, RIGHT?
RIGHT, YOU GOT IT!
AND WHAT YOU SAYING
IS THAT THE CRANE
LEARNED TO TRUST HIMSELF
AND BECAME THE LEADER
OF THE FLOCK, RIGHT?
WRONG. HE TRIED TO
FLY WITH HIS EYES CLOSED
AND SMASHED INTO A MOUNTAIN.
WHAT KIND OF STORY IS THAT?
IT'S A FUNNY STORY.
WELL, IF YOU DON'T
MIND, I'M GONNA STICK
WITH THE TANNENBAUM
STORY, ALL RIGHT?
MRS. KOTTER, IF I SEE A CRANE
IN A NECK BRACE, I
GIVE HIM YOUR REGARDS.
THANKS A LOT, MR. KOTTER.
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.
AND MRS. KOTTER, THANK
YOU, YOU'VE BEEN A BIG HELP.
RIGHT ON.
CHECK Y'ALL LATER.
THANKS A LOT.
WHAT KIND OF STORY IS
THAT, A CRANE CRASHES
INTO A MOUNTAIN?
WELL, WHAT KIND OF STORY IS THAT
TOO-TALL TANNENBAUM?
WELL, TOO-TALL
TANNENBAUM HAPPENS TO BE
A REAL PERSON.
YOU DON'T KNOW ANY REAL
PEOPLE, YOU ONLY KNOW
JOKE PEOPLE.
DID I EVER TELL YOU ABOUT
TOO-TALL TANNENBAUM'S UNCLE,
TOO-SHORT TANNENBAUM?
NOW, ONE TIME HE WAS
WALKIN' DOWN THE STREET,
AND HE SEES THIS GUY...
HEY, HEY, HEY.
COME ON, NOW, FREDDIE.
NO NEED TO STRAIN
YOUR BRAIN, WE GOT IT ALL
FIGURED OUT HERE.
CHECK IT OUT, CHECK IT OUT.
YOU GOT ALL WHAT FIGURED
OUT? WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?
HOW YOU CAN CHEAT
SO YOU CAN PASS
THAT TEST OF SLOANE'S.
NO, GUYS, I'M NOT GONNA CHEAT.
NO OFFENSE, FREDDIE,
BUT IF YOU HAD TO CHEAT
THE FIRST TIME... WELL, ARNOLD.
IT'S DIFFERENT THIS
TIME, ALL RIGHT? BE COOL.
EXACTLY, HERE, SO,
GIVE ME THIS KID, VINNIE.
WE GOT THE ANSWER
TO ALL YOUR PROBLEMS.
VIOLA!
THE ANSWER SANDWICH.
SEE, NOW THIS IS PERFECT.
WHEN YOU GO AND
YOU TELL MR. SLOANE
THAT YOU AIN'T HAD NO BREAKFAST,
AND YOU BROUGHT
THIS SANDWICH HERE
TO CHOMP ON DURING THE TEST.
NOW, DIG THIS.
HEH-HEH, DIG THIS.
DIG THIS.
EVERYTHING ABOUT
THE THREE MUSKETEERS
HAS BEEN CAREFULLY
WRITTEN ON THE COLD CUTS.
COME AGAIN?
LOOK, LOOK, IT'S
VERY SIMPLE, FREDDIE,
LOOK, YOU HAVE YOUR
SANDWICH LIKE SO, RIGHT?
YOU'RE SITTING IN THE CLASSROOM,
AND THEN YOU SAY,
"HEY, MR. SLOANE,
WHY DON'T YOU COME
OVER AND CHECK OUT
AND SEE IF I'M CHEATIN' OR NOT?
SEE IF I GOT SOMETHING
WRITTEN ON THE WAX PAPER."
THEN HE COMES OVER,
RIGHT, AND HE SEES THAT
THERE AIN'T NOTHIN' ON
THE WAX PAPER BUT WAX.
WE'RE SO SMART.
HERE, HERE, HERE, LET ME
CIRCUMNAVIGATE THIS HERE.
NOW.
NOW THE COLD CUTS
ARE THERE DIVIDED INTO
THREE CATEGORIES.
THE TONGUE IS ALEXANDER DUMAS.
THE THREE MUSKETEERS
ARE BOLOGNA.
AND, UH... FRANCE
IS A POLISH SAUSAGE.
ARNOLD, YOU USED MUSTARD!
SO, FREDDIE LIKES MUSTARD.
YEAH, BUT I TOLD YOU
NOT TO USE MUSTARD.
YOU CAN'T SEE THROUGH
MUSTARD, I TOLD YOU TO USE MAYO!
GIVE IT TO ME, I'LL
WRITE ON THE PICKLES.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT A
THING, IN FACT, DON'T BOTHER,
'CAUSE I AIN'T GONNA
USE IT, ALL RIGHT?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THESE ANSWERS
COST US $1.95 A POUND.
YEAH, YEAH, AND NOT ONLY
THAT, THIS IS THE PERFECT
CHEATING SYSTEM.
I MEAN, WHEN YOU'RE
FINISHED WITH THE TEST,
YOU EAT THE EVIDENCE!
NOW LOOK, NO WAY!
I'M NOT GONNA CHEAT.
FREDDIE, YOU GOTTA CHEAT.
YOU CAN'T LET WOODMAN GO AROUND
CALLING YOU A CHEATER.
HEY, VINNIE, LOOK.
VINNIE, JUAN, ARNOLD,
LISTEN TO ME, ALL RIGHT?
LOOK, I'M GONNA TRY
AND TAKE THE TEST
AND PASS ON THE UP AND UP.
HEY, FREDDIE.
WELL, YOU READY?
YEAH.
YEAH, I THINK SO.
WELL, JUST REMEMBER.
TOO-TALL TANNENBAUM.
YEAH.
GOTTA TRUST MYSELF.
WELL.
IF IT ISN'T THE FOUR MUSKETEERS.
HARPO, GROUCHO,
CHICO, AND FLUNKO.
HAVE YOUR FUN NOW.
JUST WAIT TILL
THIS TEST IS OVER.
♪ HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN ♪
WELL, UM, I GUESS I
BETTER GO IN, RIGHT?
YEAH. AND THE REST OF YOU
GUYS, THERE'S A CLASS STARTING
RIGHT NOW INSIDE, SO.
GOOD LUCK, FREDDIE.
WAIT A MINUTE, LITTLE MUSKETEER.
YOU ARE NOT GOING TO
SULLY FORTH INTO BATTLE
WITHOUT THE SUPPORT
OF YOUR FRIENDS, ARE YOU?
ALL FOR ONE, AND ONE FOR ALL.
SELL HIM WHERE
YOU LIVE, FREDDIE.
RAH-RAH, THAT'S THE SPIRIT.
THIS IS THE BEST
TEST I EVER ATE.
ALL RIGHT, SO THE WINDUP
WAS THAT ANDREW JOHNSON
NARROWLY MISSED IMPEACHMENT.
EPSTEIN.
HEY, MR. KOTTER, WHY DO
WE GOT TO READ ABOUT PEOPLE
WHO LIVED 100 YEARS AGO?
THEY AIN'T NEVER
GONNA READ ABOUT US.
OOH, OOH, OOH!
I WISH THAT I WAS
BORN 100 YEARS AGO.
THAT WAY I HAVE 100 LESS
YEARS OF HISTORY TO REMEMBER.
AREN'T YOU PEOPLE INTERESTED
IN HOW OTHER PEOPLES LIVED?
OKAY, MR. KOTTER.
WE LEARN ABOUT HISTORY
IN THIS CLASS, RIGHT?
ONCE A WHILE, IT DOES COME UP.
I GOT A QUESTION
PERTAINING TO HISTORY.
NOW, IN THE DARK AGES,
DID THEY HAVE SUNLIGHT?
OKAY, NOW...
SO YOU SEE, MR. WOODMAN,
WHAT DUMAS WAS REALLY
TALKIN' ABOUT WAS
THAT A MAN'S MAN
WAS NOT AFRAID TO SHOW AFFECTION
FOR ANOTHER MAN, YOU
DIG WHAT I'M SAYIN', RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT, WASHINGTON.
DON'T RUB IT IN.
FREDDIE, HOW'D
YOU DO ON THE TEST?
I'LL BE WITH YOU IN A
MINUTE, MR. KOTTER.
NOW, MR. WOODMAN, WHAT
I'M SAYING IS THAT DUMAS SAID...
DID YOU PASS?
DID I... DID I PASS?
GOT A 84!
I'LL BE IN, UH, SLOANE'S ROOM
AND CHECK THE
TEST RESULTS AGAIN.
MAYBE SLOANE MADE A MISTAKE.
♪ DON'T KNOW WHY ♪
♪ THERE'S NO SUN UP IN THE SKY ♪
LUNCH, LET'S GO GET LUNCH.
FREDDIE, I'M GONNA
GO BUY YOU LUNCH,
PICK UP THE CHECK, AND, UH,
GIVE IT TO ARNOLD HERE.
YOU KNOW WHAT, FREDDIE?
THE REALLY BEAUTIFUL
THING ABOUT...
ABOUT NOT CHEATIN'.
YOU NEVER GOTTA WORRY
ABOUT GETTIN' CAUGHT.
FREDDIE.
- CAN I SEE YOU A SECOND?
- SURE.
HEY, I'LL CATCH
Y'ALL UP IN A MINUTE.
WAIT UP.
WHAT'S UP, MR. KOTTER?
FREDDIE, ISN'T THERE
SOMETHING YOU HAVE TO DO NOW?
WHAT?
YOU GOTTA TELL MR. SLOANE
ABOUT THE FIRST TEST.
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING
MR. KOTTER, ALL RIGHT?
NOW, SUPPOSE...
NOW JUST SUPPOSE I
WAS GONNA TELL YOU THAT
I WAS NEVER GONNA
CHEAT ON A TEST AGAIN.
WOULD YOU BELIEVE ME?
YES.
WHAT'S DONE IS DONE, MR. KOTTER,
DON'T MAKE NO SENSE
TO DIG UP DEAD BODIES.
FREDDIE.
THE FACT THAT YOU
GOT AN 84 ON THIS TEST,
THAT DOESN'T ERASE THE
FACT THAT YOU CHEATED
ON THE FIRST TEST.
OKAY, WHAT DOES?
ONLY THING THAT DOES IS
GOING INTO MR. SLOANE'S CLASS
AND FESSING UP.
TELLING HIM THAT YOU CHEATED.
WOW, MAN.
I GUESS...
I GUESS I GOTTA DO
THAT LITTLE THING, HUH?
FREDDIE, IT'S UP
TO YOU, BUT, UH...
IF YOU DON'T GO, I'LL
BE FORCED TO TELL YOU
ANOTHER TOO-TALL
TANNENBAUM STORY.
OKAY, MR. KOTTER.
MR. KOTTER, IT'S NOT
GONNA BE EASY YOU KNOW,
BUT THERE IS ONE
THING I'D LIKE TO SAY.
YOU'RE A PRETTY GOOD TEACHER.
BUT YOU'RE A BETTER FRIEND.
♪
WELL, MY BROTHER WILL BE
OVER ANY SECOND, HONEY.
YOU DID A TERRIFIC JOB.
AND WITH A BROKEN ARM, NO LESS.
AW, THANKS, HONEY, IT'S GONNA BE
A REAL HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
YEAH.
HEY, DID I EVER TELL YOU
WHAT HAPPENED TO MY UNCLE?
HONEY, LET'S KEEP
IT HAPPY, OKAY?
NO, THIS IS A REALLY CUTE STORY.
YOU SEE, MY UNCLE WALKED
INTO THIS RESTAURANT...
GABE, I THINK I HEAR THE BABIES.
I DON'T HEAR ANYTHING.
THEY'RE GONNA START
CRYING ANY SECOND.
IT'S A GOOD STORY!
IT'S A GOOD STORY.
DID I EVER TELL YOU WHAT
HAPPENED TO MY UNCLE
ON THANKSGIVING?
WELL...
THAT'S BETTER.
MY UNCLE ROBERT GOES
INTO THIS RESTAURANT
FOR THANKSGIVING DINNER.
AND THE OWNER COMES
UP TO HIM AFTER THE MEAL,
HE SAYS, "MR. KOTTER,
HOW'D YOU LIKE DINNER?"
MY UNCLE SAYS, "IT WAS
GOOD, BUT YOU ONLY GAVE ME
TWO SLICES OF BREAD."
NOW THE NEXT YEAR,
MY UNCLE GOES BACK
TO THE SAME RESTAURANT
AND THE OWNER REMEMBERS HIM,
SO HE SAYS TO THE WAITER,
"SEE THAT GUY OVER THERE?
MAKE SURE THIS YEAR HE'S
GOT FOUR SLICES OF BREAD."
SO HE GOES UP TO MY
UNCLE AFTER THE MEAL,
HE SAYS, "WELL, MR. KOTTER,
HOW'D YOU LIKE IT THIS YEAR?"
AND MY UNCLE SAID,
"WELL, UH, IT WAS OKAY
BUT YOU STILL DIDN'T
GIVE ME ENOUGH BREAD."
SO THE NEXT
THANKSGIVING HE COMES IN,
THE OWNER SAYS, "WELL THAT'S
THE GUY WHO NEVER THINKS
HE HAS ENOUGH BREAD."
HE TAKES A BIG LONG FRENCH BREAD
AND HE CUTS IT RIGHT
DOWN THE CENTER,
HE SAYS, "HERE, GIVE HIM THIS."
SO AFTER THE MEAL, HE
WALKS OVER TO MY UNCLE,
HE SAYS, "MR. KOTTER,
HOW'D YOU LIKE IT THIS YEAR?"
AND MY UNCLE SAYS,
"WELL, IT WAS OKAY,
BUT WHY DID YOU GO
BACK TO TWO SLICES?"
YOU GOT NO SENSE OF HUMOR.
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WE ALWAYS COULD
SPOT A FRIEND ♪♪