Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 3, Episode 14 - Epstein's Madonna - full transcript
JULIE, I EVER TELL YOU
ABOUT MY COUSIN JANET
WHO'S AWAY AT SCHOOL?
NO.
SHE JUST WROTE MY AUNT
AND MY UNCLE A LETTER.
MM-HMM.
SHE SAID, "DEAR MOM AND POP,
I KNOW I HAVEN'T WRITTEN
TO YOU FOR A WEEK,
BUT THERE HAVE BEEN SOME
EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES.
FIRST OF ALL, I HAD AN
ACCIDENT AND I HURT MY LEG.
IT'S NOT SERIOUS,
THE DOCTOR SAID
I SHOULD RECOVER FULL
USE OF IT IN ABOUT A YEAR.
UH-HUH.
THE REASON I DIDN'T
NEED YOUR SUPPORT
WAS BECAUSE I'VE MET A BOY.
IN FACT, I MET HIM
OVER A YEAR AGO
AND I'VE NEGLECTED
TO TELL YOU ABOUT HIM.
HE'S MUCH OLDER THAN I AM
AND HE'S NOT OF OUR RELIGION,
BUT I THINK THAT
YOU'LL GET TO LIKE HIM.
WE ARE GOING TO GET MARRIED.
NOT THAT WE WANT
TO, WE JUST HAVE TO.
I'M SURE YOU'LL UNDERSTAND.
JERRY SHOULD FIND A JOB,
HE'S BEEN LOOKING QUITE HARD
FOR THE PAST YEAR."
THEN SHE SIGNED HER NAME,
"YOUR LOVING DAUGHTER, JANET.
P.S. EVERYTHING I'VE WRITTEN
YOU IS ABSOLUTELY FALSE.
HOWEVER I DID GET A D IN
ENGLISH AND I WANTED YOU TO SEE IT
IN ITS PROPER PERSPECTIVE."
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪
HEY, UH, WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE
DOING WITH ALL THIS MERCHANDISE?
GONNA OPEN UP A PAWN SHOP?
HEY, MR. KOTTER,
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
YOU COULDN'T FIND STUFF LIKE
THIS IN A PICASSO GARAGE SALE.
HEY, MAN, ALL THIS STUFF HERE,
THESE ARE PROJECTS FOR
ART APPRECIATION CLASS.
WELL, I THOUGHT IT WAS
BE KIND TO TRASH WEEK.
NOW, MR. KOTTER,
THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN GARBAGE AND ART.
THE ART COLLECTOR
DON'T COME TWICE A WEEK.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S
SEE WHAT YOU GOT.
ARNOLD HORSHACK, COME ON DOWN.
THANK YOU, THANK
YOU, MY FRIENDS.
THANK YOU, DON PARDO.
HERE IT IS, MR. KOTTER,
DO YOU LIKE IT?
DO I LIKE IT?
WELL, THIS IS ONE
OF THE BEST, UH,
ONE OF THESE I'VE EVER SEEN.
THEN YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?
OF COURSE I KNOW WHAT
IT IS, ARNOLD, I'M A TEACHER.
LET'S SEE IF ONE OF
THEM KNOWS WHAT IT IS.
YEAH, I KNOW WHAT IT IS,
I COULD CHECK IT OUT
FROM ANY DIFFERENCE.
LET ME CHECK THIS
OUT A LITTLE SLOWER.
IT'S A SWIMMING
POOL FOR PYGMIES.
NO, IT'S NOT, NO, IT'S NOT.
IT'S A HAT FOR A MONKEY.
HOO-HOO!
YOU GOTTA PUT A
STRAP ON IT THOUGH.
GO AHEAD, MR. KOTTER,
YOU TELL THEM WHAT IT IS,
GO AHEAD, GO AHEAD.
WELL, UM.
GO AHEAD.
- THIS IS...
- GO AHEAD.
ARNOLD, IT'S YOUR PROJECT,
WHY DON'T YOU TELL 'EM?
IT'S A COMBINATION ASH
TRAY AND DENTURE CUP.
YOU SEE, YOU CAN PUT
OUT YOUR CIGARETTES
AND YOUR TEETH AT THE SAME TIME.
ALL RIGHT, YOU WANNA SEE ART?
OKAY, I'LL SHOW YOU ART.
CHECK IT OUT, CHECK IT OUT.
LOOK AT THIS.
ALL RIGHT, THIS IS A
PLASTER OF PARIS PIZZA.
ALL RIGHT, THE NICE SCREWS
ARE MADE AS ANCHOVIES
AND THE WASHERS,
THEY'RE PEPPERONIS.
WHAT'S THAT RIGHT OVER THERE?
OH, THAT'S A FLY THAT FELL
IN WHEN I WAS MAKING IT.
IT LOOKED SO GOOD TO HIM,
HE DIDN'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
YOU WANT A PIECE?
NO, NO, NO, I LIKE
SAUSAGE PIZZA.
NO, I CAN'T MAKE YOU
THAT, I RAN OUT OF BOLTS.
OKAY, MR. KOTTER, SINCE YOU'VE
DISPENSED WITH THE AMATEURS,
IT'S TIME TO REPAY WITH A
VISIT FROM THE OLD MASTER,
BETTER KNOWN AS VINCENT
VAN GOGH OF THE GHETTO.
GOT IT RIGHT UNDER HERE.
I MADE A BUST.
CHECK IT OUT.
THIS HAND SYMBOLIZES MAN
REACHIN' OUT TO HIS FELLOW MAN.
WOW, FREDERICK.
I THINK HIS MANICURE
HAS TURNED ON HIM.
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN YOU DON'T TIP.
- NICE, HUH?
- IT'S TERRIFIC, FREDDIE.
THANKS A LOT.
OKAY, NOW, TODAY, I WANT...
BUENOS MORNING, BUENOS MORNING.
EPSTEIN, EPSTEIN!
COME HERE.
FIRST OF ALL, YOU'RE
FIVE MINUTES LATE.
AND SECOND OF ALL, WHERE'S
YOUR PROJECT FOR ART CLASS?
MY ART PROJECT'S OUT THE WINDOW.
OUT THE WINDOW?
YEAH.
WHERE?
RIGHT OUT THERE.
THE WINO ON THE PARK
BENCH IS YOUR PROJECT?
COME ON, COME ON,
YOU GOTTA LOOK DOWN.
HERE, LOOK DOWN.
OH, THAT SHEET ON THE WALL?
YEAH, YEAH.
EVERY YEAR A STUDENT IS
PICKED TO PAINT A "MURIAL"
FOR ART APPRECIATION WEEK.
AND THIS YEAR YOU WERE
PICKED TO PAINT THE "MURIAL?"
WELL, ACTUALLY, I
WAS THE RUNNER-UP.
THE GUY THEY PICKED FIRST
MET WITH A VERY
UNFORTUNATE ACCIDENT.
I GUESS THE ART GAME CAN
BE REAL ROUGH, YOU KNOW?
YEAH, I GUESS SO.
WHAT DID YOU PAINT?
WELL, LOOK, IT'S
NOT JUST A PAINTING,
SEE, I MEAN, IT'S...
LOOK, MR. KOTTER,
ONCE IN A LIFETIME,
A MAN KNOWS A MOMENT.
A WONDERFUL MOMENT
WHEN FATE TAKES HIS HAND.
♪ AND THIS IS HIS MOMENT ♪
♪ HIS ONCE IN A LIFETIME ♪♪
HANG OUT, HANG OUT.
MAY I PRESENT TO YOU,
EPSTEIN'S MADONNA.
ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S NICE, THAT'S REALLY NICE.
THAT'S VERY NICE.
THAT'S THE FIRST TIME
I'VE SEEN AN ARTIST
SIGN HIS NAME UP
SOMEBODY'S NOSE.
IT'S A GOOD THING
SHE AIN'T ALIVE,
ONE BIG SNEEZE AND
YOU'D BE ANONYMOUS.
HEY, YOU GUYS AIN'T
SEEN NOTHIN' YET,
THE REST OF HER'S
AROUND THE CORNER.
WELL, WHY DID YOU PAINT
HER AROUND THE CORNER?
IT'S A HECK OF A LOT EASIER
THAN STRAIGHTENING OUT THE WALL.
OH BOY.
KOTTER, THIS IS AN OUTRAGE.
SHE'S NUDE.
I'M AN ARTIST.
I PAINT WHAT'S INSIDE OF ME.
THE PROBLEM'S NOT WHAT
YOU'VE GOT ON THE INSIDE
IT'S WHAT SHE'S
GOT ON THE OUTSIDE.
NOW I KNOW WHY MY
SISTER HAS HER OWN ROOM.
EPSTEIN, SHE'S SUPPOSED
TO HAVE CLOTHES ON.
I RAN OUT OF PAINT.
NOW, LISTEN, EPSTEIN,
EITHER YOU PUT THOSE GRAPES
WHERE THEY DO SOME GOOD,
OR I'LL SEND YOU TO
PRINCIPAL LAZARUS' OFFICE.
WAIT A SECOND, WAIT A SECOND.
MR. WOODMAN, THAT'S
NOT FOR YOU TO DECIDE.
I MEAN, THIS MURAL IS
HIS ART CLASS PROJECT.
THAT'S WONDERFUL.
AND WHAT'S HE DOING
FOR SOCIAL STUDIES,
INVADING POLAND?
TAKE IT EASY, HUH?
JUAN, WOODMAN DOES HAVE A POINT.
I MEAN, THE LADY'S NUDE.
COME ON, I KNOW MY RIGHTS.
THIS IS A SCHOOLYARD WALL.
A LOT OF PEOPLE GO
BY HERE EVERY DAY.
NOW, IF YOU WANTED TO
PAINT SOMETHING LIKE THIS,
YOU COULD HAVE
DONE IT ON A CANVAS.
LOOK, YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND. IT'S ART.
NOW THAT'S MY VISION OF LIFE
AND I AIN'T GONNA CHANGE IT.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
HE'S GOT IT RIGHT.
BESIDES, ONCE I CONNECT
THE DOTS, THAT'S THAT.
HEY, MR. KOTTER.
HERE ARE THE ART BOOKS
THAT YOU WANTED US
TO PICK UP IN THE LIBRARY.
YOU KNOW, SOME OF
THE PICTURES IN HERE
ARE DEFINITELY NOT
SUITABLE FOR FAMILY VIEWING.
BOY, WE GOT SOME BAD
TITLES INSIDE THEM BOOKS, BOY.
RIGHT HERE WE GOT
"RENAISSANCE PAINTERS,"
WE GOT OVER HERE
"THE GREAT MASTERS."
THAT'S A GOOD ONE,
THAT'S BAD, BOY.
AND RIGHT OVER HERE WE HAVE
"TOULOUSE-LAUTREC AND
OTHER SHORT STORIES."
I CAN TELL THIS
BOOK'S REALLY OLD.
VAN GOGH STILL
HAS BOTH HIS EARS.
HEY, MR. KOTTER, YOU KNOW WHAT,
I AIN'T NEVER BEEN
TO A LIBRARY BEFORE.
MAN, THAT WAS REALLY STUPID.
EVERYBODY'S GOIN', "SHH!"
WHAT, THEY'RE AFRAID
OF WAKIN' UP THE BOOKS?
DID, UH, DID YOU TAKE
OUT A BOOK, VINNIE?
NO, BUT I'M GONNA TAKE OUT THE
LIBRARIAN THIS SATURDAY NIGHT.
VINNIE, YOU BETTER
GET HER BACK ON TIME,
IT'S THREE CENTS
A DAY IF SHE'S LATE.
I CAN AFFORD THAT.
KOTTER, THERE'S ANOTHER ONE.
THIRD COMPLAINT THIS
MORNING ABOUT THAT NUDE.
EPSTEIN'S NOT GONNA
GET AWAY WITH THIS.
RELAX, MR. WOODMAN, JUAN'S
IN LAZARUS' OFFICE RIGHT NOW.
LAZARUS IS GONNA DECIDE.
WHAT'S ALL THIS, MORE FILTH?
MR. WOODMAN, I DON'T
KNOW IF WHAT JUAN PAINTED
BELONGS IN A SCHOOLYARD OR NOT,
BUT I HAD THE GUYS
GET YOU THESE BOOKS
TO SHOW YOU THAT
IT WASN'T FILTH.
LOOK.
LOOK HERE, LOOK AT THIS
PAINTING BY BOTTICELLI.
IT WON'T WORK, KOTTER.
THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN THIS NUDE AND EPSTEIN'S.
WHAT?
WELL, THIS ONE DOESN'T
HAVE "BORN TO BOOGIE"
TATTOOED ON HER THIGH.
JUAN, JUAN!
WHAT DID LAZARUS SAY?
WELL, JACK SAID THAT
I COULD KEEP IT UP
UNTIL MISS HOLTZGANG
GRADES IT, AND THEN IF IT PASSES,
WELL, I CAN KEEP IT UP ALL WEEK.
WHAT ABOUT MORALITY
AND PUBLIC DECENCY?
WE'VE GOTTA KEEP THE HUMAN
BODY OUT OF OUR SCHOOLS.
LET'S START WITH YOURS.
MR. WOODMAN, THE HUMAN
BODY IS A BEAUTIFUL THING.
KOTTER, IF GOD
WANTED US TO BE NAKED,
WHY WOULD THERE
BE LEISURE SUITS?
HEY, HOW YOU DOING, JUAN?
HOW YOU DOIN', HOW YOU DOIN'?
THANKS A LOT, GLAD YOU LIKE IT.
LISTEN, JUAN, YOU
WON YOUR FIRST BATTLE,
NOW IT'S UP TO THE
ART TEACHER TO DECIDE.
YEAH, YOU KNOW, MR. KOTTER?
UP UNTIL NOW, EVERYBODY
JUST THOUGHT OF ME
AS A... JUST ANOTHER
PRETTY PUNK, YOU KNOW?
BUT THAT PAINTING OVER THERE,
THAT PROVES THAT
THEY'RE WRONG, HUH?
RIGHT. PROVES YOU'RE A
PRETTY PUNK THAT CAN PAINT.
THANKS.
JUAN, YOU KNOW, I CAN'T
PUT MY FINGER ON IT,
BUT THERE'S SOMETHING
ABOUT THAT PAINTING.
DO YOU KNOW WHERE I
CAN FIND JUAN EPSTEIN?
LOOK, OFFICER, I WAS
NOWHERE NEAR THE PLACE,
I GOT AN ALIBI.
NO, NO, I'M A REPORTER
FROM EYE-TO-EYE NEWS.
ARE YOU THE ARTIST?
YEAH.
THEN YOU MUST BE
ONE OF HIS TEACHERS.
YES, I'M MR. KOTTER,
K-O-T-T-E-R,
AND WE'RE ALL
VERY PROUD OF JUAN.
AS HIS TEACHER, MR. KOTTER,
WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF THE PAINTING?
WHAT DO I THINK OF THE PAINTING?
OH, WELL, I THINK
THE PAINTING'S GREAT.
I THINK IT SHOWS A LOT OF DEPTH
FOR A HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT.
JUST TO ME, UH, THERE'S
SOMETHING ABOUT THAT FACE
THAT LOOKS AWFUL
FAMILIAR, YOU KNOW?
I KNOW I'VE SEEN HER
SOMEWHERE BEFORE.
YEAH, YEAH, SURE, SURE YOU HAVE.
THAT'S MRS. KOTTER.
WELL, THAT'S WHY, THAT'S
WHY IT LOOKS FAMILIAR,
HE PAINTED A NUDE OF MY WIFE.
YOU PUT A NUDE PICTURE
OF JULIE IN THE SCHOOLYARD?
WHAT ARE YOU CRAZY?
COME HERE, JUAN.
COME HERE, I WANT TO
TALK TO YOU A SECOND.
COME HERE, JUAN, COME OVER HERE.
COME HERE.
WE DO THIS ALL THE TIME.
COME HERE.
EPSTEIN!
WE JUST KID AROUND LIKE THIS.
COME HERE, JUAN!
♪
HOW COULD JUAN DO THAT?
PUT YOUR FACE ON
SOMEONE ELSE'S NUDE BODY.
I DON'T KNOW.
IN A WAY, HONEY, I'M
KIND OF FLATTERED.
FLATTERED? JULIE,
IT'S RIDICULOUS.
YOUR FACE ON DELORES
DELVECCHIO'S BODY.
HONEY, HOW DO YOU KNOW IT'S
DELORES DELVECCHIO'S BODY?
WELL, I GOT JUAN TO ADMIT
IT AFTER I TACKLED HIM.
I KIND OF KNEW IT ALL ALONG,
I MEAN, THAT IT
WASN'T YOUR BODY,
I MEAN, DELORES CAN
REALLY FILL OUT A WALL.
AND I CAN'T?
OH, JULIE, MY HONEY,
MY SWEETIE, MY POOPSIE.
WHAT ELSE?
JULIE, THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN YOU AND DELORES
IS ABOUT 18 BRICKS.
WELL, IF IT'S JUST MY FACE, WHAT
ARE YOU SO WORRIED ABOUT?
JULIE, YOU THINK I
WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL
AND HAVE TO LOOK AT
YOUR FACE EVERY DAY?
UM, WHAT I MEAN IS, YOU
KNOW, LOOK AT YOUR FACE
ON SOMEBODY ELSE'S NAKED BODY.
I'LL GET IT. YOU
KNOW WHAT I MEANT,
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME FOR?
HELLO?
YES, THIS IS THE NUDE'S HUSBAND.
NO, I DON'T HAVE ANY POCKET
SIZED PICTURES OF MY WIFE.
JULIE, THIS IS GETTIN' SERIOUS.
DID YOU KNOW THERE WAS A
TV NEWS GUY DOWN TODAY?
THEY WANT TO DO SOMETHING
ON THE NEWS TOMORROW.
BUT, HONEY, YOU WERE
SO PROUD OF JUAN,
YOU SAID HE WAS FINALLY
EXPRESSING HIMSELF
IN A SOCIALLY POSITIVE WAY.
YEAH, WELL, LET HIM
BE SOCIAL AND POSITIVE
WITH SOMEBODY ELSE'S WIFE.
I'M GONNA CALL HIM UP,
THIS THING HAS GOT TO STOP.
IT'S REALLY GONE TOO FAR.
HELLO, MRS. EPSTEIN,
CAN I SPEAK TO JUAN?
BUENOS NOCHES.
MRS. EPSTEIN, YOU
CAN SPEAK ENGLISH,
IT'S NOT THE POLICE.
IT'S MR. KOTTER.
JUAN, BUENOS NOCHES TO YOU.
JUAN, LISTEN, IT'S MR...
CAN YOU MEET ME IN THE
SCHOOLYARD RIGHT NOW?
YEAH.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU
DON'T GO OUT IN THE DARK?
I'LL SEE YOU THERE, OKAY?
ALL RIGHT, BYE-BYE.
I'LL JUST GO TALK TO HIM.
IT'S REALLY GETTING
TO BOTHER ME, HONEY.
- OH, BABY?
- WHAT?
KEEP YOUR CLOTHES
ON TILL I GET BACK.
THERE, THAT'S BETTER.
MAYBE A LITTLE MORE THERE.
MAYBE ONE MORE TOUCH THERE.
MY NUDE WIFE IS NOT
GONNA BE ON THE 11:00 NEWS.
OH NO.
WHO WOULD DO THIS
TO JUAN'S PAINTING?
HEY, MR. KOTTER.
MR. KOTTER, THE GUYS
AND I, WE TALKED IT OVER,
AND I DECIDED THAT I AIN'T
GONNA CHANGE THE PAINTING.
YEAH, SO, YOU CAN
JUST TURN AROUND
LIKE A GOOD LITTLE BUCKAROO,
SKIP ON HOME WITH
YOUR SPRAY CAN OF PAINT.
SPRAY CAN?
WHAT?
DON'T LOOK, DON'T LOOK, JUAN!
MR. KOTTER, HOW
COULD YOU DO THIS?
I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
COME ON.
I KNOW YOU'RE BUMMED ON ME
ON ACCOUNT OF I USED
MRS. KOTTER'S FACE,
BUT SHE'S THE ONLY GIRL I
KNOW THAT DON'T HAVE ZITS.
GUYS, LOOK, YOU
GOTTA BELIEVE ME,
I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
THEN WHO DID?
SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T
LIKE YOUR PAINTING.
SOMEONE WHO'S
REALLY DESTRUCTIVE.
SOMEBODY WHO'S REALLY TWISTED.
SOMEBODY WHO'S REALLY SHORT.
WOODMAN.
I'M RUINED.
WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?
IT'S THE FIRST THING
I EVER DO IN MY LIFE,
IT JUST GOES TO POT.
LOOK, JUAN, IF IT'S
REALLY IMPORTANT TO YOU,
WE CAN'T LET WOODMAN
GET AWAY WITH THIS.
YEAH, YEAH, JUAN,
YOU KNOW, LIKE,
WE COULD ALL STAY HERE WITH
YOU ALL NIGHT AND WE CAN HELP.
IN FACT, ARNOLD CAN
BE THE DROP CLOTH.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT, JUAN?
IT COULD BE REALLY INTERESTING
IF I GET TO PAINT
THE PART THAT I WANT.
WELL, LOOK, I'M THE
ONE WHO PAINTED IT,
SO I'M GONNA BE
THE ONE WHO FIXES IT.
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S FINE.
ALL RIGHT, COME ON, GUYS,
LET'S LEAVE THE
ARTIST TO HIS WORK.
- COME ON.
- GOOD LUCK, JUAN.
- SEE YOU LATER, JUAN.
- BE COOL, MY MAN.
HELLO, THIS IS YOUR
EYE-TO-EYE NEWS REPORTER
JERRY CRONKITE.
NO RELATION.
IN A FEW MOMENTS, THE SCHOOL
ART TEACHER WILL TELL US
IF EPSTEIN'S MADONNA
IS OBSCENITY OR ART.
IT'S NEITHER.
CAN YOU TELL US, MR. EPSTEIN,
DOES YOUR PAINTING
HAVE ANY MESSAGE?
WELL, YES, BUT I'M
NOT OLD ENOUGH
TO KNOW WHAT IT IS.
COME ON, COME ON,
THIS IS MY INTERVIEW.
YOU JUST ASK ME
THE QUESTIONS, HEAR?
EXACTLY WHAT PAINTERS
INFLUENCED YOU?
WELL, REMBRANDT FOR THE EYES,
PICASSO FOR THE MOUTH,
AND THE BODY, EARL SCHEIB.
ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY,
MISS HOLTZGANG'S READY
TO GRADE THE PAINTING.
UH, JUST ONE MORE
QUESTION, EPSTEIN.
CONCEPTUALLY THINKING,
WHAT DOES YOUR NAKED BODY
EATING GRAPES REPRESENT?
A NAKED BODY EATING GRAPES.
JUAN, JUAN, I AM READY TO
GIVE YOU YOUR GRADE NOW.
- OH, THIS IS IT.
- OH, LET'S HEAR IT.
THIS IS THE MOMENT
WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR.
THE FATE OF THE EPSTEIN
MADONNA IS ABOUT TO BE DECIDED.
THERE'S NO BIKINI.
WHERE'S MY BIKINI, CARTER?
RELAX, MR. WOODMAN,
WE'LL GIVE YOU A BIKINI
WHEN YOU GO TO THE BEACH.
ALL RIGHT, OKAY, NOW,
BEFORE I GIVE JUAN HIS GRADE,
I WOULD LIKE TO SAY THAT I
THINK HE HAS A GREAT EYE
FOR COLOR, SPACE,
AND PROPORTION,
ESPECIALLY PROPORTIONS.
LET'S GET TO THE POINT.
IS IT OBSCENE OR ISN'T IT?
NO, IT IS NOT.
SOME VERY SMALL MINDS MIGHT
THINK THIS IS JUST A NAKED LADY,
BUT WE ARTISTS FEEL
THAT THE HUMAN BODY
IS THE GREATEST ARTISTIC
IMAGE THAT CAN BE PAINTED.
AND THEREFORE, THEREFORE,
I'M GOING TO GIVE JUAN A B PLUS.
A B PLUS?
A B PLUS FOR NO BIKINI?
NOW YOU'RE GONNA HAVE ALL
KIND OF WEIRDOS AROUND HERE.
WILL YOU STOP IT, MR. WOODMAN?
WE'RE NOT GONNA HAVE
ANY WEIRDOS AROUND HERE.
REPENT, THE WORLD
IS COMING TO AN END!
YOU SEE?
IT'S STARTED ALREADY.
THAT'S NO WEIRDO, MR. WOODMAN,
THAT'S ONE OF MY UNCLES.
THIS IS JERRY CRONKITE SAYING
MAYBE I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.
GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK.
GOODNIGHT, DELORES.
SO LONG.
AM I OFF?
YOU GUYS ARE ALL WAY OFF.
WELL, HOW DID WE DO, HUH?
WELL, JUAN, LOOK, YOU'VE GOT
SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF.
YOUR PAINTING IS
GONNA STAY UP ALL WEEK.
WELL, THANKS A LOT,
I REALLY APPRECIATE
YOUR SUPPORT
AND ALL, MR. KOTTER,
BUT I HOPE I DIDN'T MESS THINGS
UP WITH MRS. KOTTER, YOU KNOW?
PUTTING HER FACE ON DELORES
DELVECCHIO'S NUDE BODY.
- WAIT A MINUTE.
- HUH?
THAT'S DELORES DELVECCHIO,
MY DELORES DELVECCHIO?
OH, YEAH, VINNIE, YOU MEAN
YOU DIDN'T RECOGNIZE THE...
OH, YEAH, YEAH.
OH, YEAH.
HEY, COME ON, VINNIE,
EVEN I KNEW IT WAS DELORES.
HEY, HEY, VINNIE,
VINNIE, COME ON!
HEY, GUYS!
VINNIE!
SO THAT'S DELORES DELVECCHIO.
♪
OKAY, OKAY, VOILA, HERE IT IS.
WELL, HONEY, I DON'T THINK
IT LOOKS ANYTHING LIKE ME.
WELL, ON SECOND THOUGHT.
YOU'RE RIGHT, IT DOESN'T
LOOK ANYTHING LIKE YOU.
COME ON.
- JULIE.
- OH...
DID I EVER TELL YOU
ABOUT MY UNCLE WILLY?
GABE, WHAT DOES YOUR UNCLE
WILLY HAVE TO DO WITH MY PORTRAIT?
YOU SEE, MY UNCLE WILLY LOOKED
EXACTLY LIKE JAMES CAGNEY.
EVERY TIME HE WENT
ANYWHERE PEOPLE WOULD SAY,
"HEY, AREN'T YOU JAMES CAGNEY?"
AND ALL HIS LIFE HE HAD TO
SAY, "NO, I'M NOT JAMES CAGNEY."
- ALL RIGHT?
- UH-HUH.
SO, ONE DAY THIS BEAUTIFUL
LADY COMES UP TO HIM, SHE SAYS,
"JAMES CAGNEY!"
AND MY UNCLE WILLY SAYS,
"NO, I AM NOT JAMES CAGNEY."
AND SHE SAYS,
"WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD,
YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS WANTED
TO MAKE LOVE TO JAMES CAGNEY."
YEAH?
YOU KNOW WHAT MY UNCLE SAID?
NO, WHAT DID HE SAY?
"YOU DIRTY RAT,
YOU COME WITH ME."
♪
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WE ALWAYS COULD
SPOT A FRIEND ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ AND I SMILE WHEN I THINK
HOW YOU MUST'VE BEEN ♪♪
ABOUT MY COUSIN JANET
WHO'S AWAY AT SCHOOL?
NO.
SHE JUST WROTE MY AUNT
AND MY UNCLE A LETTER.
MM-HMM.
SHE SAID, "DEAR MOM AND POP,
I KNOW I HAVEN'T WRITTEN
TO YOU FOR A WEEK,
BUT THERE HAVE BEEN SOME
EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES.
FIRST OF ALL, I HAD AN
ACCIDENT AND I HURT MY LEG.
IT'S NOT SERIOUS,
THE DOCTOR SAID
I SHOULD RECOVER FULL
USE OF IT IN ABOUT A YEAR.
UH-HUH.
THE REASON I DIDN'T
NEED YOUR SUPPORT
WAS BECAUSE I'VE MET A BOY.
IN FACT, I MET HIM
OVER A YEAR AGO
AND I'VE NEGLECTED
TO TELL YOU ABOUT HIM.
HE'S MUCH OLDER THAN I AM
AND HE'S NOT OF OUR RELIGION,
BUT I THINK THAT
YOU'LL GET TO LIKE HIM.
WE ARE GOING TO GET MARRIED.
NOT THAT WE WANT
TO, WE JUST HAVE TO.
I'M SURE YOU'LL UNDERSTAND.
JERRY SHOULD FIND A JOB,
HE'S BEEN LOOKING QUITE HARD
FOR THE PAST YEAR."
THEN SHE SIGNED HER NAME,
"YOUR LOVING DAUGHTER, JANET.
P.S. EVERYTHING I'VE WRITTEN
YOU IS ABSOLUTELY FALSE.
HOWEVER I DID GET A D IN
ENGLISH AND I WANTED YOU TO SEE IT
IN ITS PROPER PERSPECTIVE."
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪
HEY, UH, WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE
DOING WITH ALL THIS MERCHANDISE?
GONNA OPEN UP A PAWN SHOP?
HEY, MR. KOTTER,
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
YOU COULDN'T FIND STUFF LIKE
THIS IN A PICASSO GARAGE SALE.
HEY, MAN, ALL THIS STUFF HERE,
THESE ARE PROJECTS FOR
ART APPRECIATION CLASS.
WELL, I THOUGHT IT WAS
BE KIND TO TRASH WEEK.
NOW, MR. KOTTER,
THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN GARBAGE AND ART.
THE ART COLLECTOR
DON'T COME TWICE A WEEK.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S
SEE WHAT YOU GOT.
ARNOLD HORSHACK, COME ON DOWN.
THANK YOU, THANK
YOU, MY FRIENDS.
THANK YOU, DON PARDO.
HERE IT IS, MR. KOTTER,
DO YOU LIKE IT?
DO I LIKE IT?
WELL, THIS IS ONE
OF THE BEST, UH,
ONE OF THESE I'VE EVER SEEN.
THEN YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?
OF COURSE I KNOW WHAT
IT IS, ARNOLD, I'M A TEACHER.
LET'S SEE IF ONE OF
THEM KNOWS WHAT IT IS.
YEAH, I KNOW WHAT IT IS,
I COULD CHECK IT OUT
FROM ANY DIFFERENCE.
LET ME CHECK THIS
OUT A LITTLE SLOWER.
IT'S A SWIMMING
POOL FOR PYGMIES.
NO, IT'S NOT, NO, IT'S NOT.
IT'S A HAT FOR A MONKEY.
HOO-HOO!
YOU GOTTA PUT A
STRAP ON IT THOUGH.
GO AHEAD, MR. KOTTER,
YOU TELL THEM WHAT IT IS,
GO AHEAD, GO AHEAD.
WELL, UM.
GO AHEAD.
- THIS IS...
- GO AHEAD.
ARNOLD, IT'S YOUR PROJECT,
WHY DON'T YOU TELL 'EM?
IT'S A COMBINATION ASH
TRAY AND DENTURE CUP.
YOU SEE, YOU CAN PUT
OUT YOUR CIGARETTES
AND YOUR TEETH AT THE SAME TIME.
ALL RIGHT, YOU WANNA SEE ART?
OKAY, I'LL SHOW YOU ART.
CHECK IT OUT, CHECK IT OUT.
LOOK AT THIS.
ALL RIGHT, THIS IS A
PLASTER OF PARIS PIZZA.
ALL RIGHT, THE NICE SCREWS
ARE MADE AS ANCHOVIES
AND THE WASHERS,
THEY'RE PEPPERONIS.
WHAT'S THAT RIGHT OVER THERE?
OH, THAT'S A FLY THAT FELL
IN WHEN I WAS MAKING IT.
IT LOOKED SO GOOD TO HIM,
HE DIDN'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
YOU WANT A PIECE?
NO, NO, NO, I LIKE
SAUSAGE PIZZA.
NO, I CAN'T MAKE YOU
THAT, I RAN OUT OF BOLTS.
OKAY, MR. KOTTER, SINCE YOU'VE
DISPENSED WITH THE AMATEURS,
IT'S TIME TO REPAY WITH A
VISIT FROM THE OLD MASTER,
BETTER KNOWN AS VINCENT
VAN GOGH OF THE GHETTO.
GOT IT RIGHT UNDER HERE.
I MADE A BUST.
CHECK IT OUT.
THIS HAND SYMBOLIZES MAN
REACHIN' OUT TO HIS FELLOW MAN.
WOW, FREDERICK.
I THINK HIS MANICURE
HAS TURNED ON HIM.
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN YOU DON'T TIP.
- NICE, HUH?
- IT'S TERRIFIC, FREDDIE.
THANKS A LOT.
OKAY, NOW, TODAY, I WANT...
BUENOS MORNING, BUENOS MORNING.
EPSTEIN, EPSTEIN!
COME HERE.
FIRST OF ALL, YOU'RE
FIVE MINUTES LATE.
AND SECOND OF ALL, WHERE'S
YOUR PROJECT FOR ART CLASS?
MY ART PROJECT'S OUT THE WINDOW.
OUT THE WINDOW?
YEAH.
WHERE?
RIGHT OUT THERE.
THE WINO ON THE PARK
BENCH IS YOUR PROJECT?
COME ON, COME ON,
YOU GOTTA LOOK DOWN.
HERE, LOOK DOWN.
OH, THAT SHEET ON THE WALL?
YEAH, YEAH.
EVERY YEAR A STUDENT IS
PICKED TO PAINT A "MURIAL"
FOR ART APPRECIATION WEEK.
AND THIS YEAR YOU WERE
PICKED TO PAINT THE "MURIAL?"
WELL, ACTUALLY, I
WAS THE RUNNER-UP.
THE GUY THEY PICKED FIRST
MET WITH A VERY
UNFORTUNATE ACCIDENT.
I GUESS THE ART GAME CAN
BE REAL ROUGH, YOU KNOW?
YEAH, I GUESS SO.
WHAT DID YOU PAINT?
WELL, LOOK, IT'S
NOT JUST A PAINTING,
SEE, I MEAN, IT'S...
LOOK, MR. KOTTER,
ONCE IN A LIFETIME,
A MAN KNOWS A MOMENT.
A WONDERFUL MOMENT
WHEN FATE TAKES HIS HAND.
♪ AND THIS IS HIS MOMENT ♪
♪ HIS ONCE IN A LIFETIME ♪♪
HANG OUT, HANG OUT.
MAY I PRESENT TO YOU,
EPSTEIN'S MADONNA.
ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S NICE, THAT'S REALLY NICE.
THAT'S VERY NICE.
THAT'S THE FIRST TIME
I'VE SEEN AN ARTIST
SIGN HIS NAME UP
SOMEBODY'S NOSE.
IT'S A GOOD THING
SHE AIN'T ALIVE,
ONE BIG SNEEZE AND
YOU'D BE ANONYMOUS.
HEY, YOU GUYS AIN'T
SEEN NOTHIN' YET,
THE REST OF HER'S
AROUND THE CORNER.
WELL, WHY DID YOU PAINT
HER AROUND THE CORNER?
IT'S A HECK OF A LOT EASIER
THAN STRAIGHTENING OUT THE WALL.
OH BOY.
KOTTER, THIS IS AN OUTRAGE.
SHE'S NUDE.
I'M AN ARTIST.
I PAINT WHAT'S INSIDE OF ME.
THE PROBLEM'S NOT WHAT
YOU'VE GOT ON THE INSIDE
IT'S WHAT SHE'S
GOT ON THE OUTSIDE.
NOW I KNOW WHY MY
SISTER HAS HER OWN ROOM.
EPSTEIN, SHE'S SUPPOSED
TO HAVE CLOTHES ON.
I RAN OUT OF PAINT.
NOW, LISTEN, EPSTEIN,
EITHER YOU PUT THOSE GRAPES
WHERE THEY DO SOME GOOD,
OR I'LL SEND YOU TO
PRINCIPAL LAZARUS' OFFICE.
WAIT A SECOND, WAIT A SECOND.
MR. WOODMAN, THAT'S
NOT FOR YOU TO DECIDE.
I MEAN, THIS MURAL IS
HIS ART CLASS PROJECT.
THAT'S WONDERFUL.
AND WHAT'S HE DOING
FOR SOCIAL STUDIES,
INVADING POLAND?
TAKE IT EASY, HUH?
JUAN, WOODMAN DOES HAVE A POINT.
I MEAN, THE LADY'S NUDE.
COME ON, I KNOW MY RIGHTS.
THIS IS A SCHOOLYARD WALL.
A LOT OF PEOPLE GO
BY HERE EVERY DAY.
NOW, IF YOU WANTED TO
PAINT SOMETHING LIKE THIS,
YOU COULD HAVE
DONE IT ON A CANVAS.
LOOK, YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND. IT'S ART.
NOW THAT'S MY VISION OF LIFE
AND I AIN'T GONNA CHANGE IT.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
HE'S GOT IT RIGHT.
BESIDES, ONCE I CONNECT
THE DOTS, THAT'S THAT.
HEY, MR. KOTTER.
HERE ARE THE ART BOOKS
THAT YOU WANTED US
TO PICK UP IN THE LIBRARY.
YOU KNOW, SOME OF
THE PICTURES IN HERE
ARE DEFINITELY NOT
SUITABLE FOR FAMILY VIEWING.
BOY, WE GOT SOME BAD
TITLES INSIDE THEM BOOKS, BOY.
RIGHT HERE WE GOT
"RENAISSANCE PAINTERS,"
WE GOT OVER HERE
"THE GREAT MASTERS."
THAT'S A GOOD ONE,
THAT'S BAD, BOY.
AND RIGHT OVER HERE WE HAVE
"TOULOUSE-LAUTREC AND
OTHER SHORT STORIES."
I CAN TELL THIS
BOOK'S REALLY OLD.
VAN GOGH STILL
HAS BOTH HIS EARS.
HEY, MR. KOTTER, YOU KNOW WHAT,
I AIN'T NEVER BEEN
TO A LIBRARY BEFORE.
MAN, THAT WAS REALLY STUPID.
EVERYBODY'S GOIN', "SHH!"
WHAT, THEY'RE AFRAID
OF WAKIN' UP THE BOOKS?
DID, UH, DID YOU TAKE
OUT A BOOK, VINNIE?
NO, BUT I'M GONNA TAKE OUT THE
LIBRARIAN THIS SATURDAY NIGHT.
VINNIE, YOU BETTER
GET HER BACK ON TIME,
IT'S THREE CENTS
A DAY IF SHE'S LATE.
I CAN AFFORD THAT.
KOTTER, THERE'S ANOTHER ONE.
THIRD COMPLAINT THIS
MORNING ABOUT THAT NUDE.
EPSTEIN'S NOT GONNA
GET AWAY WITH THIS.
RELAX, MR. WOODMAN, JUAN'S
IN LAZARUS' OFFICE RIGHT NOW.
LAZARUS IS GONNA DECIDE.
WHAT'S ALL THIS, MORE FILTH?
MR. WOODMAN, I DON'T
KNOW IF WHAT JUAN PAINTED
BELONGS IN A SCHOOLYARD OR NOT,
BUT I HAD THE GUYS
GET YOU THESE BOOKS
TO SHOW YOU THAT
IT WASN'T FILTH.
LOOK.
LOOK HERE, LOOK AT THIS
PAINTING BY BOTTICELLI.
IT WON'T WORK, KOTTER.
THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN THIS NUDE AND EPSTEIN'S.
WHAT?
WELL, THIS ONE DOESN'T
HAVE "BORN TO BOOGIE"
TATTOOED ON HER THIGH.
JUAN, JUAN!
WHAT DID LAZARUS SAY?
WELL, JACK SAID THAT
I COULD KEEP IT UP
UNTIL MISS HOLTZGANG
GRADES IT, AND THEN IF IT PASSES,
WELL, I CAN KEEP IT UP ALL WEEK.
WHAT ABOUT MORALITY
AND PUBLIC DECENCY?
WE'VE GOTTA KEEP THE HUMAN
BODY OUT OF OUR SCHOOLS.
LET'S START WITH YOURS.
MR. WOODMAN, THE HUMAN
BODY IS A BEAUTIFUL THING.
KOTTER, IF GOD
WANTED US TO BE NAKED,
WHY WOULD THERE
BE LEISURE SUITS?
HEY, HOW YOU DOING, JUAN?
HOW YOU DOIN', HOW YOU DOIN'?
THANKS A LOT, GLAD YOU LIKE IT.
LISTEN, JUAN, YOU
WON YOUR FIRST BATTLE,
NOW IT'S UP TO THE
ART TEACHER TO DECIDE.
YEAH, YOU KNOW, MR. KOTTER?
UP UNTIL NOW, EVERYBODY
JUST THOUGHT OF ME
AS A... JUST ANOTHER
PRETTY PUNK, YOU KNOW?
BUT THAT PAINTING OVER THERE,
THAT PROVES THAT
THEY'RE WRONG, HUH?
RIGHT. PROVES YOU'RE A
PRETTY PUNK THAT CAN PAINT.
THANKS.
JUAN, YOU KNOW, I CAN'T
PUT MY FINGER ON IT,
BUT THERE'S SOMETHING
ABOUT THAT PAINTING.
DO YOU KNOW WHERE I
CAN FIND JUAN EPSTEIN?
LOOK, OFFICER, I WAS
NOWHERE NEAR THE PLACE,
I GOT AN ALIBI.
NO, NO, I'M A REPORTER
FROM EYE-TO-EYE NEWS.
ARE YOU THE ARTIST?
YEAH.
THEN YOU MUST BE
ONE OF HIS TEACHERS.
YES, I'M MR. KOTTER,
K-O-T-T-E-R,
AND WE'RE ALL
VERY PROUD OF JUAN.
AS HIS TEACHER, MR. KOTTER,
WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF THE PAINTING?
WHAT DO I THINK OF THE PAINTING?
OH, WELL, I THINK
THE PAINTING'S GREAT.
I THINK IT SHOWS A LOT OF DEPTH
FOR A HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT.
JUST TO ME, UH, THERE'S
SOMETHING ABOUT THAT FACE
THAT LOOKS AWFUL
FAMILIAR, YOU KNOW?
I KNOW I'VE SEEN HER
SOMEWHERE BEFORE.
YEAH, YEAH, SURE, SURE YOU HAVE.
THAT'S MRS. KOTTER.
WELL, THAT'S WHY, THAT'S
WHY IT LOOKS FAMILIAR,
HE PAINTED A NUDE OF MY WIFE.
YOU PUT A NUDE PICTURE
OF JULIE IN THE SCHOOLYARD?
WHAT ARE YOU CRAZY?
COME HERE, JUAN.
COME HERE, I WANT TO
TALK TO YOU A SECOND.
COME HERE, JUAN, COME OVER HERE.
COME HERE.
WE DO THIS ALL THE TIME.
COME HERE.
EPSTEIN!
WE JUST KID AROUND LIKE THIS.
COME HERE, JUAN!
♪
HOW COULD JUAN DO THAT?
PUT YOUR FACE ON
SOMEONE ELSE'S NUDE BODY.
I DON'T KNOW.
IN A WAY, HONEY, I'M
KIND OF FLATTERED.
FLATTERED? JULIE,
IT'S RIDICULOUS.
YOUR FACE ON DELORES
DELVECCHIO'S BODY.
HONEY, HOW DO YOU KNOW IT'S
DELORES DELVECCHIO'S BODY?
WELL, I GOT JUAN TO ADMIT
IT AFTER I TACKLED HIM.
I KIND OF KNEW IT ALL ALONG,
I MEAN, THAT IT
WASN'T YOUR BODY,
I MEAN, DELORES CAN
REALLY FILL OUT A WALL.
AND I CAN'T?
OH, JULIE, MY HONEY,
MY SWEETIE, MY POOPSIE.
WHAT ELSE?
JULIE, THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN YOU AND DELORES
IS ABOUT 18 BRICKS.
WELL, IF IT'S JUST MY FACE, WHAT
ARE YOU SO WORRIED ABOUT?
JULIE, YOU THINK I
WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL
AND HAVE TO LOOK AT
YOUR FACE EVERY DAY?
UM, WHAT I MEAN IS, YOU
KNOW, LOOK AT YOUR FACE
ON SOMEBODY ELSE'S NAKED BODY.
I'LL GET IT. YOU
KNOW WHAT I MEANT,
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME FOR?
HELLO?
YES, THIS IS THE NUDE'S HUSBAND.
NO, I DON'T HAVE ANY POCKET
SIZED PICTURES OF MY WIFE.
JULIE, THIS IS GETTIN' SERIOUS.
DID YOU KNOW THERE WAS A
TV NEWS GUY DOWN TODAY?
THEY WANT TO DO SOMETHING
ON THE NEWS TOMORROW.
BUT, HONEY, YOU WERE
SO PROUD OF JUAN,
YOU SAID HE WAS FINALLY
EXPRESSING HIMSELF
IN A SOCIALLY POSITIVE WAY.
YEAH, WELL, LET HIM
BE SOCIAL AND POSITIVE
WITH SOMEBODY ELSE'S WIFE.
I'M GONNA CALL HIM UP,
THIS THING HAS GOT TO STOP.
IT'S REALLY GONE TOO FAR.
HELLO, MRS. EPSTEIN,
CAN I SPEAK TO JUAN?
BUENOS NOCHES.
MRS. EPSTEIN, YOU
CAN SPEAK ENGLISH,
IT'S NOT THE POLICE.
IT'S MR. KOTTER.
JUAN, BUENOS NOCHES TO YOU.
JUAN, LISTEN, IT'S MR...
CAN YOU MEET ME IN THE
SCHOOLYARD RIGHT NOW?
YEAH.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU
DON'T GO OUT IN THE DARK?
I'LL SEE YOU THERE, OKAY?
ALL RIGHT, BYE-BYE.
I'LL JUST GO TALK TO HIM.
IT'S REALLY GETTING
TO BOTHER ME, HONEY.
- OH, BABY?
- WHAT?
KEEP YOUR CLOTHES
ON TILL I GET BACK.
THERE, THAT'S BETTER.
MAYBE A LITTLE MORE THERE.
MAYBE ONE MORE TOUCH THERE.
MY NUDE WIFE IS NOT
GONNA BE ON THE 11:00 NEWS.
OH NO.
WHO WOULD DO THIS
TO JUAN'S PAINTING?
HEY, MR. KOTTER.
MR. KOTTER, THE GUYS
AND I, WE TALKED IT OVER,
AND I DECIDED THAT I AIN'T
GONNA CHANGE THE PAINTING.
YEAH, SO, YOU CAN
JUST TURN AROUND
LIKE A GOOD LITTLE BUCKAROO,
SKIP ON HOME WITH
YOUR SPRAY CAN OF PAINT.
SPRAY CAN?
WHAT?
DON'T LOOK, DON'T LOOK, JUAN!
MR. KOTTER, HOW
COULD YOU DO THIS?
I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
COME ON.
I KNOW YOU'RE BUMMED ON ME
ON ACCOUNT OF I USED
MRS. KOTTER'S FACE,
BUT SHE'S THE ONLY GIRL I
KNOW THAT DON'T HAVE ZITS.
GUYS, LOOK, YOU
GOTTA BELIEVE ME,
I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
THEN WHO DID?
SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T
LIKE YOUR PAINTING.
SOMEONE WHO'S
REALLY DESTRUCTIVE.
SOMEBODY WHO'S REALLY TWISTED.
SOMEBODY WHO'S REALLY SHORT.
WOODMAN.
I'M RUINED.
WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?
IT'S THE FIRST THING
I EVER DO IN MY LIFE,
IT JUST GOES TO POT.
LOOK, JUAN, IF IT'S
REALLY IMPORTANT TO YOU,
WE CAN'T LET WOODMAN
GET AWAY WITH THIS.
YEAH, YEAH, JUAN,
YOU KNOW, LIKE,
WE COULD ALL STAY HERE WITH
YOU ALL NIGHT AND WE CAN HELP.
IN FACT, ARNOLD CAN
BE THE DROP CLOTH.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT, JUAN?
IT COULD BE REALLY INTERESTING
IF I GET TO PAINT
THE PART THAT I WANT.
WELL, LOOK, I'M THE
ONE WHO PAINTED IT,
SO I'M GONNA BE
THE ONE WHO FIXES IT.
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S FINE.
ALL RIGHT, COME ON, GUYS,
LET'S LEAVE THE
ARTIST TO HIS WORK.
- COME ON.
- GOOD LUCK, JUAN.
- SEE YOU LATER, JUAN.
- BE COOL, MY MAN.
HELLO, THIS IS YOUR
EYE-TO-EYE NEWS REPORTER
JERRY CRONKITE.
NO RELATION.
IN A FEW MOMENTS, THE SCHOOL
ART TEACHER WILL TELL US
IF EPSTEIN'S MADONNA
IS OBSCENITY OR ART.
IT'S NEITHER.
CAN YOU TELL US, MR. EPSTEIN,
DOES YOUR PAINTING
HAVE ANY MESSAGE?
WELL, YES, BUT I'M
NOT OLD ENOUGH
TO KNOW WHAT IT IS.
COME ON, COME ON,
THIS IS MY INTERVIEW.
YOU JUST ASK ME
THE QUESTIONS, HEAR?
EXACTLY WHAT PAINTERS
INFLUENCED YOU?
WELL, REMBRANDT FOR THE EYES,
PICASSO FOR THE MOUTH,
AND THE BODY, EARL SCHEIB.
ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY,
MISS HOLTZGANG'S READY
TO GRADE THE PAINTING.
UH, JUST ONE MORE
QUESTION, EPSTEIN.
CONCEPTUALLY THINKING,
WHAT DOES YOUR NAKED BODY
EATING GRAPES REPRESENT?
A NAKED BODY EATING GRAPES.
JUAN, JUAN, I AM READY TO
GIVE YOU YOUR GRADE NOW.
- OH, THIS IS IT.
- OH, LET'S HEAR IT.
THIS IS THE MOMENT
WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR.
THE FATE OF THE EPSTEIN
MADONNA IS ABOUT TO BE DECIDED.
THERE'S NO BIKINI.
WHERE'S MY BIKINI, CARTER?
RELAX, MR. WOODMAN,
WE'LL GIVE YOU A BIKINI
WHEN YOU GO TO THE BEACH.
ALL RIGHT, OKAY, NOW,
BEFORE I GIVE JUAN HIS GRADE,
I WOULD LIKE TO SAY THAT I
THINK HE HAS A GREAT EYE
FOR COLOR, SPACE,
AND PROPORTION,
ESPECIALLY PROPORTIONS.
LET'S GET TO THE POINT.
IS IT OBSCENE OR ISN'T IT?
NO, IT IS NOT.
SOME VERY SMALL MINDS MIGHT
THINK THIS IS JUST A NAKED LADY,
BUT WE ARTISTS FEEL
THAT THE HUMAN BODY
IS THE GREATEST ARTISTIC
IMAGE THAT CAN BE PAINTED.
AND THEREFORE, THEREFORE,
I'M GOING TO GIVE JUAN A B PLUS.
A B PLUS?
A B PLUS FOR NO BIKINI?
NOW YOU'RE GONNA HAVE ALL
KIND OF WEIRDOS AROUND HERE.
WILL YOU STOP IT, MR. WOODMAN?
WE'RE NOT GONNA HAVE
ANY WEIRDOS AROUND HERE.
REPENT, THE WORLD
IS COMING TO AN END!
YOU SEE?
IT'S STARTED ALREADY.
THAT'S NO WEIRDO, MR. WOODMAN,
THAT'S ONE OF MY UNCLES.
THIS IS JERRY CRONKITE SAYING
MAYBE I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.
GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK.
GOODNIGHT, DELORES.
SO LONG.
AM I OFF?
YOU GUYS ARE ALL WAY OFF.
WELL, HOW DID WE DO, HUH?
WELL, JUAN, LOOK, YOU'VE GOT
SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF.
YOUR PAINTING IS
GONNA STAY UP ALL WEEK.
WELL, THANKS A LOT,
I REALLY APPRECIATE
YOUR SUPPORT
AND ALL, MR. KOTTER,
BUT I HOPE I DIDN'T MESS THINGS
UP WITH MRS. KOTTER, YOU KNOW?
PUTTING HER FACE ON DELORES
DELVECCHIO'S NUDE BODY.
- WAIT A MINUTE.
- HUH?
THAT'S DELORES DELVECCHIO,
MY DELORES DELVECCHIO?
OH, YEAH, VINNIE, YOU MEAN
YOU DIDN'T RECOGNIZE THE...
OH, YEAH, YEAH.
OH, YEAH.
HEY, COME ON, VINNIE,
EVEN I KNEW IT WAS DELORES.
HEY, HEY, VINNIE,
VINNIE, COME ON!
HEY, GUYS!
VINNIE!
SO THAT'S DELORES DELVECCHIO.
♪
OKAY, OKAY, VOILA, HERE IT IS.
WELL, HONEY, I DON'T THINK
IT LOOKS ANYTHING LIKE ME.
WELL, ON SECOND THOUGHT.
YOU'RE RIGHT, IT DOESN'T
LOOK ANYTHING LIKE YOU.
COME ON.
- JULIE.
- OH...
DID I EVER TELL YOU
ABOUT MY UNCLE WILLY?
GABE, WHAT DOES YOUR UNCLE
WILLY HAVE TO DO WITH MY PORTRAIT?
YOU SEE, MY UNCLE WILLY LOOKED
EXACTLY LIKE JAMES CAGNEY.
EVERY TIME HE WENT
ANYWHERE PEOPLE WOULD SAY,
"HEY, AREN'T YOU JAMES CAGNEY?"
AND ALL HIS LIFE HE HAD TO
SAY, "NO, I'M NOT JAMES CAGNEY."
- ALL RIGHT?
- UH-HUH.
SO, ONE DAY THIS BEAUTIFUL
LADY COMES UP TO HIM, SHE SAYS,
"JAMES CAGNEY!"
AND MY UNCLE WILLY SAYS,
"NO, I AM NOT JAMES CAGNEY."
AND SHE SAYS,
"WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD,
YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS WANTED
TO MAKE LOVE TO JAMES CAGNEY."
YEAH?
YOU KNOW WHAT MY UNCLE SAID?
NO, WHAT DID HE SAY?
"YOU DIRTY RAT,
YOU COME WITH ME."
♪
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WE ALWAYS COULD
SPOT A FRIEND ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ AND I SMILE WHEN I THINK
HOW YOU MUST'VE BEEN ♪♪