Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 3, Episode 12 - Kotter for Vice Principal - full transcript
- LISTEN TO THIS ONE.
- OKAY.
MY UNCLE LEONARD
BOUGHT AN OCTOPUS.
YEAH?
AND MY AUNT SOPHIE, SHE SAYS,
"WHY'D YOU BUY AN OCTOPUS?"
HE SAYS, "BECAUSE I'M GONNA
MAKE A MILLION DOLLARS,
I'M GONNA TEACH THIS
OCTOPUS TO PLAY THE BAGPIPES."
UH-HUH.
SO HE LOCKS THE OCTOPUS
IN A ROOM WITH THE BAGPIPES
-AND HE CHECKS AN
HOUR LATER, -YEAH?
TO SEE IF THE OCTOPUS
IS PLAYING THE BAGPIPES,
- YEAH?
- COMES BACK OUTTA THE ROOM
MY AUNT SOPHIE SAYS, "WELL,
WAS THE OCTOPUS PLAYING
THE BAGPIPES?"
HE SAID, "NO, HE WAS
MAKING LOVE TO IT."
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪
WHAT DO YOU SAY, JUDY?
WILL YOU SIGN OUR PETITION HERE?
PETITION?
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TRYING TO
DO, GIVE ONE OF THE SWEATHOGS
A STAY OF EXECUTION?
NAH, IT BEEN TWO OR THREE
SEMESTERS SINCE THERE WAS
ANY SWEATHOGS ON DEATH ROW.
OH, EXCUSE ME, I
GOTTA GO TO CLASS.
SURE.
RIGHT AFTER YOU SIGN A
PETITION TO CAN MR. WOODMAN
AND GET MR. KOTTER
AS VICE PRINCIPAL.
GO ON, SIGN IT.
BUT I LIKE MR. WOODMAN.
YOU LIKE MR. WOODMAN?
NOBODY LIKES MR. WOODMAN.
LIKING MR. WOODMAN
IS LIKE, LIKE LIKING GUNK.
OH, YEAH?
WELL, TOUGH!
- ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S THE DEAL?
- HEY, LITTLE JUAN, HI, VINNIE!
ALL RIGHT, FREDDIE, HOW
MANY NAMES YOU GOT SO FAR?
WELL, THAT DEPENDS, HOW
MANY TIMES AM I ALLOWED TO SIGN?
GOOD MORNING!
HEY, HOW'RE YOU GUYS DOING?
AH, THAT MUST BE THE FAMOUS
"KOTTER FOR VICE
PRINCIPAL" PETITION.
OH?
YOU'VE HEARD ABOUT IT?
HEARD ABOUT IT, THE ENTIRE
SCHOOL KNOWS ABOUT IT.
THE NURSES OFFICE IS
FILLED WITH STUDENTS
EPSTEIN PERSUADED TO SIGN.
THAT'S MY LITTLE MARGIE.
AH, SOME OF 'EM JUST NEEDED,
YOU KNOW, A LITTLE INCENTIVE.
YEAH, I SAW THE NURSE PUTTING AN
ICEPACK ON SOMEBODY'S INCENTIVE.
YEAH. MR. KOTT-AIRE,
MR. WOODMAN'S CONTRACT IS UP.
YEAH, AND THE SCHOOL
BOARD, THEY MIGHT NOT
RENOVATE THE CONTRACT.
RENEW THE CONTRACT.
YEAH, RENEW,
RENOVATE, RECONCILE,
IT'S ALL THE SAME THING.
I HAVE CERTAIN REASON TO BELIEVE
THAT A CERTAIN JOB WAS DISCUSSED
WITH A CERTAIN MR-KOTT-AIRE?
YEAH, AND YOU ARE THAT
CERTAIN MR. KOTT-AIRE.
HOW DO YOU GUYS KNOW ALL THIS?
WELL, YESTERDAY, PRINCIPAL
LAZARUS, HE WROTE OUT A MEMO
AND THEN HE
SHOWED IT TO EPSTEIN.
HABADABABA!
PRINCIPAL LAZARUS
SHOWED IT TO EPSTEIN?
YEAH, MORE OR LESS.
IT WAS SITTING IN THE BOTTOM
OF HIS DESK DRAWER AND UH...
YOU KNOW OLD JACK LAZARUS,
HE STEPPED OUT FOR A MOMENT.
HE OBVIOUSLY
WANTED ME TO SEE IT!
OBVIOUSLY, ALL RIGHT,
GUYS COME ON, SIT DOWN.
LISTEN, I WANT TO THANK YOU
FOR THINKING OF ME, BUT, UH,
I'M HAPPY DOING WHAT I'M DOING
AND THAT'S WHAT I TOLD LAZARUS.
OKAY, NOW CAN WE TURN
TO PAGE 24, I WANTED YOU...
HI, HELLO EVERYBODY.
UNCLE WOODY HERE.
MIND IF I POP IN FOR A SEC?
OH, LOOK!
IT'S POP 'N FRESH.
THE BUCHANAN DOUGH BOY.
HOW EXHILARATING TO BE
THE BRUNT OF YOUR JOKES.
CAN THIS BE THE SAME MR. WOODMAN
WHO HAS DEDICATED HIS LIFE
TO THE OVERTHROW OF
LAUGHTER AND HAPPINESS?
ANOTHER DELIGHTFUL BIT
OF RIDICULE AT MY EXPENSE.
YOU KNOW, BOYS, IT'S
TIME WE GOT CLOSER.
WHAT DO YOU SAY I TAKE YOU
TO THE JETS GAME ON SUNDAY?
THE JETS ARE PLAYING IN OAKLAND.
SO, IT'S JUST A
FIVE DAY BUS RIDE.
YEAH, IT'D BE TERRIFIC,
FIVE DAYS ON A BUS.
BRING ALONG AN
EXTRA SET OF KIDNEYS.
HE AIN'T BUSSING ME NOWHERE.
ALL RIGHT, BOYS.
HOW ABOUT DROPPING
THIS SILLY PETITION?
NO WAY, MR. KOTTER'S GONNA
MAKE A GREAT VICE PRINCIPAL.
WHAT DOES KOTTER
HAVE THAT I HAVEN'T GOT?
FOR STARTERS,
MORE THAN ONE SUIT.
YEAH, AND HE DOESN'T CRAWL
BEHIND A ROCK TWICE A YEAR
TO SHED HIS SKIN.
MR. WOODMAN, I...
YOU KNOW WHAT'S
WRONG WITH YOU, KOTTER?
RUTHLESS AMBITION.
NOW, REMEMBER: POWER CORRUPTS.
LOOK AT ME!
MR. WOODMAN, I
DON'T WANT YOUR JOB!
NO, YOUR SISTER HAS BEEN ASLEEP
FOR TWO HOURS ALREADY, ROBIN,
YOU CANNOT STAY UP AND SEE WHO
JOHNNY CARSON'S GUEST HOST IS.
NO, YOU CAN'T, I'M SORRY.
- HELLO, LEFTY!
- HIYA, HONEY
AND WHO'S THIS?
HOW'RE YOU DOING, ROBIN
BOBBIN, HOW'RE YOU DOING?
WANNA KNOW HOW YOU
FEEL TODAY, YOU FEEL OKAY?
OH, JULIE, LOOK, YOU MADE
THE SCHOOL NEWSPAPER.
I DID?
YEAH, RIGHT UNDER
"TEACHERS ARE HUMAN TOO."
"EVERYONE WISHED MRS. KOTTER A
SPEEDY RECOVERY AFTER BREAKING
HER ARM TRYING TO ACT LIKE A
TEENAGER ON A SKATEBOARD."
TEENAGER?
YOU KNOW I READ TODAY THAT
THREE ORTHOPEDIC SURGEONS SAID
THAT SKATE BOARDING'S GOOD.
YES, FOR THEIR BUSINESS.
JULIE, YOU GOTTA WATCH
OUT FOR THOSE THINGS,
YOU KNOW, MY SCHOOL INSURANCE
ONLY COVERS PREGNANCIES.
YOU MEAN IF I CARRY THIS
THINGS AROUND FOR NINE MONTHS,
THEY'LL PAY FOR IT?
YOU'LL NEED TO GO
THROUGH NATURAL CAST-OFF.
ROBIN BOBBIN, TIME TO GO
TO SLEEP, LET'S GO, COME ON.
NIGHT.
HEY, JULIE?
WHAT?
JULIE, GUESS WHAT
HAPPENED IN SCHOOL TODAY?
WHAT?
GUESS WHAT HAPPENED
IN SCHOOL TODAY?
WHAT?
WHAT ARE YOU YELLING ABOUT?
THE KIDS FOUND OUT ABOUT
MY MEETING WITH LAZARUS
AND THEY SIGNED A PETITION
TO GET ME TO REPLACE WOODMAN.
REALLY?
REALLY, THOSE CRAZY KIDS.
WELL, WHAT'S SO CRAZY ABOUT IT?
YOU KNOW I TOLD YOU LAST
WEEK THAT I THOUGHT YOU'D MAKE
A GREAT VICE PRINCIPAL.
YOU REALLY THINK SO?
SURE.
ALL YOU HAVE TO
KNOW HOW TO DO IS SAY,
"I'M GONNA CALL YOUR MOTHER,"
IN FIVE DIFFERENT LANGUAGES.
THERE'S MORE TO IT THAN THAT.
YOU GOTTA KNOW HOW TO SAY,
"I'M NOT GONNA CALL YOUR MOTHER
SO GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY NECK."
ANYWAY, WHAT WOULD
WOODMAN DO IF I TOOK HIS JOB?
BUT, YOU KNOW, AT LEAST IT
WOULD GIVE HIM MORE FREE TIME
TO TRAIN HIS TARANTULA.
YOU KNOW, I THINK I SORT OF...
I'M USED TO WOODMAN,
HE'S COMFORTABLE,
SORT OF LIKE AN OLD SHOE.
OH, I CAN UNDERSTAND IT HONEY,
BUT JUST THINK ABOUT WHAT
ALL THE EXTRA MONEY'D DO.
I MEAN, WE COULD PAY
OFF SOME OF THESE BILLS.
WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS
WORRIED ABOUT THESE BILLS?
HONEY, I PAY THESE BILLS
THE SAME MONTH THEY COME IN.
DIFFERENT YEAR, BUT SAME MONTH.
OH, WELL, I DIDN'T MARRY
YOU FOR YOUR MONEY ANYWAY.
JULIE, WE'RE GONNA BE ALL
RIGHT AS FAR AS MONEY GOES.
AS LONG AS THE TWINS
PAY THEIR RENT ON TIME.
YOU KNOW WHAT BOTHERS ME THOUGH?
- WHAT?
- THE KIDS.
I MEAN I'M ALWAYS TELLING
'EM, "IMPROVE YOURSELF."
MR. KOTTER, BIG TEACHER,
IMPROVE YOURSELF.
NOW, WHEN I GET MY OWN
OPPORTUNITY TO DO IT,
I DON'T TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT.
WELL HONEY, WHAT
ARE YOU GONNA DO?
- I KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
- WHAT?
I'M GONNA SIGN YOUR CAST.
NOW, THERE'S A
SOLUTION, OKAY, HERE.
I'M GONNA WRITE
SOMETHING REALLY SEXY.
OKAY, BUT YOU GOTTA TAKE
ME OUT TO DINNER FIRST.
HELLO, KOTTER.
I'D LIKE A WORD WITH
YOU BEFORE CLASS.
OKAY?
IT'S ABOUT YOUR PLANS TO
OPPOSE ME FOR VICE PRINCIPAL.
MR. WOODMAN, THAT'S
NOT EXACTLY TRUE,
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU...
KOTTER, DO YOU THINK IT'S
EASY TO BE VICE PRINCIPAL?
I DON'T CARE.
LET ME TELL YOU WHAT'S
INVOLVED IN THIS JOB.
YOU THINK I'M HAPPY
DOING THIS, KOTTER?
I HAVE TO DO THIS...
THREE HOURS EVERY DAY,
FIVE DAYS EVERY WEEK,
FIFTY WEEKS EVERY YEAR.
MR. WOODMAN, IT DOESN'T MATTER!
AND BESIDES THAT, KOTTER, I HAVE
TO GO TO EVERY BASKETBALL GAME,
EVERY FOOTBALL GAME, TO
PROVE TO THE SCHOOL THAT I CARE.
YOU HAVE TO HAVE SPIRIT, KOTTER.
I EVEN HAVE MY OWN POM-POMS.
COCK-A-LOCKA,
COCK-A-LOCKA, WON'T YOU TRY?
GET ANOTHER GOAL FOR
THEM AND TAKE US HIGH!
THAT'S GREAT, MR. WOODMAN,
CAN YOU DO THE SPLITS TOO?
LISTEN, I DON'T WANT YOUR JOB.
MR. WOODMAN, LISTEN TO
ME, I DON'T WANT YOUR JOB.
REALLY?
REALLY.
WELL, THEN WHY DID YOU
MAKE ME CRAWL, KOTTER?
I DIDN'T MAKE YOU CRAWL.
YES YOU DID, YOU
EMBARRASSED ME FOR NOTHING.
MR. WOODMAN, I'VE BEEN
TRYING TO TELL YOU FOR TWO DAYS
THAT I DON'T WANT THE JOB.
WELL, LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING, KOTTER,
YOU WOULDN'T LAST
TWO DAYS ON THIS JOB!
THAT'S NOT EXACTLY
FAIR, MR. WOODMAN.
I THINK THAT I WOULD MAKE
A GOOD VICE PRINCIPAL.
I'M JUST, UH, I'M HAPPY
BEING A TEACHER.
COME ON KOTTER, FACE IT, YOU'RE
SCARED TO BE VICE PRINCIPAL,
TAKES REAL COURAGE TO RIDE
HERD OVER 2,000 RAMPAGING RUFFIANS.
ALL RIGHT, COME
ON, COME IN HERE!
YOU DON'T HAVE TO SNEAK
AROUND HERE, THERE'S NO SECRETS.
MR. WOODMAN, "RIDING
HERD" IS NOT THE ONLY WAY
TO BE VICE PRINCIPAL.
IN FACT, I THINK THERE'S
A MUCH BETTER WAY.
WELL, MR. KOTTER, IF
YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT,
WHY WON'T YOU GO AFTER THE JOB?
BECAUSE HE HASN'T GOT THE GUTS!
MR. WOODMAN, TOMORROW
MORNING I'M GONNA GO
DOWN TO THE SCHOOL BOARD
AND I'M GONNA TELL THEM
I WISH THEY WOULD CONSIDER
ME FOR THE JOB OF VICE PRINCIPAL.
- HOORAY!
- ALL RIGHT!
OKAY, KOTTER... MAYBE
YOU HAVE THE GUTS,
BUT YOU HAVEN'T
GOT THE POM-POMS!
- YOU!
- YOU!
-ASKED FOR IT, YOU GOT IT,
-ASKED FOR IT, YOU GOT IT,
- VICE PRINCIPAL!
- VICE PRINCIPAL!
JULIE, HOW'D I GET
MYSELF INTO THIS?
THE KIDS PULLING ME ONE WAY,
WOODMAN PUSHING ME ANOTHER WAY.
I'M NOT A MAN, I'M A POOL TOY.
LOOK, HONEY, I
KNOW YOU CAN DO IT,
THE SWEATHOGS
KNOW YOU CAN DO IT.
WOODMAN'S
CHALLENGING YOU TO DO IT.
THE ONLY ONE STANDING
IN YOUR WAY IS YOU.
WHAT ABOUT THE TWINS?
DO THEY THINK I CAN DO IT?
I'LL GO ASK THEM.
BUT I'M SURE THEY
FEEL THE SAME WAY I DO.
WHATEVER YOU
WANT IS OKAY WITH US.
MEANWHILE I'M GONNA GO FIX
YOU A NICE CUP OF HOT COCOA.
VICE PRINCIPAL KOTTER.
WOODMAN'S WRONG,
POWER WON'T CORRUPT ME.
VICE PRINCIPAL KOTTER.
PRINCIPAL KOTTER.
EMPEROR KOTTER.
KING KOTTER.
NOW, JUST, JUST IN
CASE, JUST IN CASE,
COME ON, HAND ME THE BALL,
I WANNA SEE IF I CAN DO IT.
I'MMA GET IT, JUST BE PATIENT.
YOU WAS NEVER GOOD.
ALL RIGHT, CLASS, SETTLE
DOWN HERE, SETTLE DOWN NOW.
THIS HERE IS THE YEAR 20,050
AND ONE OF...
ONE OF THE THINGS WE CELEBRATE
AT THIS TIME OF THE YEAR IS...
THAT'S THE THIRD TIME YOU'VE
FALLEN ASLEEP THIS WEEK!
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
I SAID HE'S FALLEN ASLEEP!
HE FELL IN THE CREEK?
ASLEEP, DOG-GONE-IT!
SLEEP, SLEEP, SLEEP!
OH...
HIS HIGHNESS,
THE VICE PRINCIPAL.
♪
IT'S VICE PRINCIPAL
KOTTER-ER-ER-ER-ER.
I TOLD YOU TO CALL ME "KING."
GET DOWN.
- HAIL TO THE KING.
- HAIL THE KING!
- HAIL, HAIL!
- HAIL TO THE KING.
WOULD YOU PLEASE
STOP THIS GROVELING?
YOU'LL GET RUNS IN YOUR
ORTHOPEDIC STOCKING.
HEY YOU, KINGIE,
KING, KING, HEY YOU!
WHEN YOU GONNA LET ME GRADUATE?
MY DEAR WASHINGTON, IT'S
QUITE OUT OF THE QUESTION.
WE NEED YOU FOR
THE BASKETBALL TEAM.
BASKETBALL TEAM?
I'VE BEEN PLAYING
BASKETBALL FOR 75 YEARS.
I KNOW.
AND DON'T YOU THINK IT'S
TIME YOU TOOK A SHOWER?
WHAT DID HE SAY?
I SAID, "TAKE A SHOWER,
TAKE A SHOWER!"
WHY, IS THERE ONE MISSING?
THAT IS A OLD JOKE!
WHAT DO YOU WANT
FROM AN OLD FOOL?
STOP IT, STOP THIS!
YOU KNOW I BANISHED LAUGHTER
WHEN I EXILED WOODMAN.
YOU BANISH LAUGHTER,
THEN, WHY'D YOU HIRE ME?
SIMPLE, YOU'RE NOT FUNNY.
HORSHACK?
YES, SIRE?
I HAVE SOMETHING VERY
IMPORTANT TO DISCUSS WITH YOU.
AH, CONGRATULATIONS MY SON.
I MOST CERTAINLY
AM NOT YOUR SON!
ISN'T THIS THE
FAIRCHILD WEDDING?
LEMME SEE THAT, THIS ISN'T
THE FAIRCHILD WEDDING,
YOU'RE IN THE WRONG DREAM,
THAT'S THE FOURTH DREAM
TO THE LEFT, COME
ON, GET OUT OF HERE.
SORRY, THIS IS THE FIRST
DREAM I'VE EVER REALLY BEEN IN.
WHERE WAS I?
OH, YES, SOMETHING IMPORTANT.
HORSHACK, MY SPIES
TELL ME THERE'S A PLOT
AFLOAT TO KILL ME.
WHY SHOULDN'T WE KILL YA?
YOU'RE GETTING
TO BE A REAL DRAG.
YES AND I'M GOING TO BE
THE NEW VICE PRINCIPAL.
NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!
YOU SHALL NEVER
BE VICE PRINCIPAL!
AS LONG AS I AM THE KING.
OH, YEAH?
WELL, WE'LL PUT A FIX TO THAT.
I USED TO BE SO GOOD LOOKING.
OH, YES, LOOK WHO IT IS,
MY CHARMING DAUGHTERS,
ROBIN AND RACHEL,
AND MY WIFE THE FOSSIL.
TELL ME, WHO TOLD YOU
YOU COULD BUY A NEW DRESS?
HAD TO HAVE SOMETHING TO
WEAR TO YOUR EXECUTION, SONNY?
SO!
YOU'RE PART OF THE PLOT TOO!
NO MORE UNCLE JOKES FOR
ME, JUST DEAD UNCLE JOKES.
SO EVERYBODY'S A
PART OF IT, ALL OF YOU!
NOW, NOW, NOW, DON'T
LOOK AT IT AS A BEHEADING.
I WANT YOU TO LOOK
AT IT AS A CRASH DIET.
HALT, FOOL!
HE'S MINE!
I'VE WAITED A LONG
TIME FOR THIS GUY.
YOU MIGHT HAVE MY JOB, BUT
YOU NEVER HAD MY POM-POMS.
COCK-A-LOCKA, COCK-A-LOCKA,
COCK-A-LOCKA, COCK-A-LOCKA,
COCK-A-LOCKA, COCK-A-LOCKA,
COCK-A-LOCKA, COCK-A-LOCKA,
EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME?
WOULD YOU MIND SPEEDING
UP THE EXECUTION?
THIS IS THE ROOM FOR
THE FAIRCHILD WEDDING.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO...
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
- HONEY, WAKE UP, HONEY, IT'S ME.
- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
- WAKE UP!
- OH, OH, OH, JULIE, OH, HONEY!
- IT'S OKAY, IT'S ALL OVER.
- OH, HONEY.
HONEY, I HAD THE
WORST DREAM, I WA...
I WAS ALMOST
COCK-A-LOCKA'D TO DEATH.
IT'S OKAY, IT'S ALL OVER HONEY.
OH, JULIE, I DON'T
WANNA BE KING.
OH, AND I WAS JUST GONNA HAVE
YOUR THRONE REUPHOLSTERED.
THAT'S WHAT I WAS TRYING
TO TELL MYSELF IN THE DREAM.
I DON'T WANNA BE VICE PRINCIPAL,
YOU KNOW IT ALL MAKES SENSE.
EXCEPT FOR THAT
CHINESE MINISTER.
HEY, FREDDIE, HERE'S
SOME MORE NAMES.
RIGHT-ON, ARNOLD
HORSHACK, RIGHT-ON, EPSTEIN,
RIGHT ON, VINNIE
BARBA... ALL RIGHT!
WE GOT IT HERE, WE GOT THEM
THINGS ON THE PETITION, YOU...
- GOOD MORNING, GOOD MORNING.
- HEY, MR. KOTTER.
HEY, MR.KOT-TAIRE, OUR
"DUMP MR. WOODMAN" CAMPAIGN
IS RIGHT ON TARGET, WE GOT
ENOUGH SIGNATURES HERE
TO PUT YOU OVER THE TOP.
FOURTEEN-HUNDRED
AND SEVEN NAMES.
YEAH, YEAH.
NOT COUNTING FORGERIES.
MR. WASHINGTON?
SURE, MR. KOT-TAIRE, ANYTHING
FOR YOU MY MAN, MR. V.P.
GUYS, I GOT SOMETHING TO SAY.
- YEAH?
- YEAH?
I DON'T WANT TO
BE VICE PRINCIPAL.
- WHAT?
- WHAT?
WHAT?
WOODMAN HIGH
JACKED THE BABIES, HUH?
LOOK, THIS IS HOW I
FIGURE IT, LEAVING A JOB
THAT YOU REALLY LOVE FOR
ONE THAT PAYS MORE MONEY
ISN'T NECESSARILY A PROMOTION.
I KNEW IT, NOBODY EVER GETS
PROMOTED OUTTA THIS CLASS.
VINNIE, I THINK I, UH,
BETTER STICK AROUND
AND MAKE SURE YOU GUYS DO.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S KINDA NICE,
YOU NOT WANTING TO LEAVE US.
THERE YOU ARE, KOTTER.
READ IT AND WEEP, YOU AND YOUR
GANG DIDN'T MOVE FAST ENOUGH.
THE BOARD NEVER
GOT YOUR PETITION.
I'VE BEEN RENEWED FOR TWO YEARS.
CONGRATULATIONS, MR. WOODMAN,
THEY MUST'VE FIGURED
YOU'RE THE BEST MAN FOR THE JOB.
WELL, YOU KNOW, WITH WOODMAN
STAYING AS VICE PRINCIPAL,
WE AREN'T GONNA HAVE
TO CHANGE OUR GRAFFITI.
MR. CHAN FROM THE SCHOOL
BOARD GAVE ME THE NEWS HIMSELF.
OH, MR. CHAN, COME IN PLEASE.
MR. CHAN, THIS IS MR. KOTTER,
UNSUCCESSFUL
CANDIDATE FOR MY JOB.
OH, MR. CHAN, NICE TO MEET...
YOU LOOK, UH, VERY FAMILIAR.
SO DO YOU, MR. KOTTER.
PERHAPS WE MET AT
THE FAIRCHILD WEDDING?
♪
MR. WOODMAN, WE'RE
IN HEAVEN OKAY?
WE'RE IN HEAVEN?
IT'S A JOKE, WE'RE
IN HEAVEN, OKAY?
ALL RIGHT, WE'RE IN HEAVEN.
OKAY, NOW THERE'S TWO DOORS,
ONE DOOR HAS A SIGN ABOVE IT
THAT SAYS "MEN THAT WERE
HENPECKED BY THEIR WIVES."
THE OTHER DOOR HAS A
SIGN ABOVE IT THAT SAYS,
"MEN THAT WERE BOSS."
NOW THERE'S A LONG
LINE OF GUYS WAITING
TO GET INTO THE DOOR
THAT SAYS, "MEN THAT WERE
HENPECKED BY THEIR WIVES."
BUT THERE'S ONLY ONE GUY WAITING
TO GET INTO THE DOOR THAT SAYS
"MEN THAT WERE BOSS."
- ONE GUY?
- ONE GUY.
SO ST. PETER COMES
UP TO HIM AND SAYS,
"I WONDER WHY YOU'RE THE
ONLY GUY WAITING IN THIS LINE?"
AND HE SAYS, "I DUNNO, MY
WIFE TOLD ME TO STAND HERE."
♪
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪♪
- OKAY.
MY UNCLE LEONARD
BOUGHT AN OCTOPUS.
YEAH?
AND MY AUNT SOPHIE, SHE SAYS,
"WHY'D YOU BUY AN OCTOPUS?"
HE SAYS, "BECAUSE I'M GONNA
MAKE A MILLION DOLLARS,
I'M GONNA TEACH THIS
OCTOPUS TO PLAY THE BAGPIPES."
UH-HUH.
SO HE LOCKS THE OCTOPUS
IN A ROOM WITH THE BAGPIPES
-AND HE CHECKS AN
HOUR LATER, -YEAH?
TO SEE IF THE OCTOPUS
IS PLAYING THE BAGPIPES,
- YEAH?
- COMES BACK OUTTA THE ROOM
MY AUNT SOPHIE SAYS, "WELL,
WAS THE OCTOPUS PLAYING
THE BAGPIPES?"
HE SAID, "NO, HE WAS
MAKING LOVE TO IT."
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪
WHAT DO YOU SAY, JUDY?
WILL YOU SIGN OUR PETITION HERE?
PETITION?
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TRYING TO
DO, GIVE ONE OF THE SWEATHOGS
A STAY OF EXECUTION?
NAH, IT BEEN TWO OR THREE
SEMESTERS SINCE THERE WAS
ANY SWEATHOGS ON DEATH ROW.
OH, EXCUSE ME, I
GOTTA GO TO CLASS.
SURE.
RIGHT AFTER YOU SIGN A
PETITION TO CAN MR. WOODMAN
AND GET MR. KOTTER
AS VICE PRINCIPAL.
GO ON, SIGN IT.
BUT I LIKE MR. WOODMAN.
YOU LIKE MR. WOODMAN?
NOBODY LIKES MR. WOODMAN.
LIKING MR. WOODMAN
IS LIKE, LIKE LIKING GUNK.
OH, YEAH?
WELL, TOUGH!
- ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S THE DEAL?
- HEY, LITTLE JUAN, HI, VINNIE!
ALL RIGHT, FREDDIE, HOW
MANY NAMES YOU GOT SO FAR?
WELL, THAT DEPENDS, HOW
MANY TIMES AM I ALLOWED TO SIGN?
GOOD MORNING!
HEY, HOW'RE YOU GUYS DOING?
AH, THAT MUST BE THE FAMOUS
"KOTTER FOR VICE
PRINCIPAL" PETITION.
OH?
YOU'VE HEARD ABOUT IT?
HEARD ABOUT IT, THE ENTIRE
SCHOOL KNOWS ABOUT IT.
THE NURSES OFFICE IS
FILLED WITH STUDENTS
EPSTEIN PERSUADED TO SIGN.
THAT'S MY LITTLE MARGIE.
AH, SOME OF 'EM JUST NEEDED,
YOU KNOW, A LITTLE INCENTIVE.
YEAH, I SAW THE NURSE PUTTING AN
ICEPACK ON SOMEBODY'S INCENTIVE.
YEAH. MR. KOTT-AIRE,
MR. WOODMAN'S CONTRACT IS UP.
YEAH, AND THE SCHOOL
BOARD, THEY MIGHT NOT
RENOVATE THE CONTRACT.
RENEW THE CONTRACT.
YEAH, RENEW,
RENOVATE, RECONCILE,
IT'S ALL THE SAME THING.
I HAVE CERTAIN REASON TO BELIEVE
THAT A CERTAIN JOB WAS DISCUSSED
WITH A CERTAIN MR-KOTT-AIRE?
YEAH, AND YOU ARE THAT
CERTAIN MR. KOTT-AIRE.
HOW DO YOU GUYS KNOW ALL THIS?
WELL, YESTERDAY, PRINCIPAL
LAZARUS, HE WROTE OUT A MEMO
AND THEN HE
SHOWED IT TO EPSTEIN.
HABADABABA!
PRINCIPAL LAZARUS
SHOWED IT TO EPSTEIN?
YEAH, MORE OR LESS.
IT WAS SITTING IN THE BOTTOM
OF HIS DESK DRAWER AND UH...
YOU KNOW OLD JACK LAZARUS,
HE STEPPED OUT FOR A MOMENT.
HE OBVIOUSLY
WANTED ME TO SEE IT!
OBVIOUSLY, ALL RIGHT,
GUYS COME ON, SIT DOWN.
LISTEN, I WANT TO THANK YOU
FOR THINKING OF ME, BUT, UH,
I'M HAPPY DOING WHAT I'M DOING
AND THAT'S WHAT I TOLD LAZARUS.
OKAY, NOW CAN WE TURN
TO PAGE 24, I WANTED YOU...
HI, HELLO EVERYBODY.
UNCLE WOODY HERE.
MIND IF I POP IN FOR A SEC?
OH, LOOK!
IT'S POP 'N FRESH.
THE BUCHANAN DOUGH BOY.
HOW EXHILARATING TO BE
THE BRUNT OF YOUR JOKES.
CAN THIS BE THE SAME MR. WOODMAN
WHO HAS DEDICATED HIS LIFE
TO THE OVERTHROW OF
LAUGHTER AND HAPPINESS?
ANOTHER DELIGHTFUL BIT
OF RIDICULE AT MY EXPENSE.
YOU KNOW, BOYS, IT'S
TIME WE GOT CLOSER.
WHAT DO YOU SAY I TAKE YOU
TO THE JETS GAME ON SUNDAY?
THE JETS ARE PLAYING IN OAKLAND.
SO, IT'S JUST A
FIVE DAY BUS RIDE.
YEAH, IT'D BE TERRIFIC,
FIVE DAYS ON A BUS.
BRING ALONG AN
EXTRA SET OF KIDNEYS.
HE AIN'T BUSSING ME NOWHERE.
ALL RIGHT, BOYS.
HOW ABOUT DROPPING
THIS SILLY PETITION?
NO WAY, MR. KOTTER'S GONNA
MAKE A GREAT VICE PRINCIPAL.
WHAT DOES KOTTER
HAVE THAT I HAVEN'T GOT?
FOR STARTERS,
MORE THAN ONE SUIT.
YEAH, AND HE DOESN'T CRAWL
BEHIND A ROCK TWICE A YEAR
TO SHED HIS SKIN.
MR. WOODMAN, I...
YOU KNOW WHAT'S
WRONG WITH YOU, KOTTER?
RUTHLESS AMBITION.
NOW, REMEMBER: POWER CORRUPTS.
LOOK AT ME!
MR. WOODMAN, I
DON'T WANT YOUR JOB!
NO, YOUR SISTER HAS BEEN ASLEEP
FOR TWO HOURS ALREADY, ROBIN,
YOU CANNOT STAY UP AND SEE WHO
JOHNNY CARSON'S GUEST HOST IS.
NO, YOU CAN'T, I'M SORRY.
- HELLO, LEFTY!
- HIYA, HONEY
AND WHO'S THIS?
HOW'RE YOU DOING, ROBIN
BOBBIN, HOW'RE YOU DOING?
WANNA KNOW HOW YOU
FEEL TODAY, YOU FEEL OKAY?
OH, JULIE, LOOK, YOU MADE
THE SCHOOL NEWSPAPER.
I DID?
YEAH, RIGHT UNDER
"TEACHERS ARE HUMAN TOO."
"EVERYONE WISHED MRS. KOTTER A
SPEEDY RECOVERY AFTER BREAKING
HER ARM TRYING TO ACT LIKE A
TEENAGER ON A SKATEBOARD."
TEENAGER?
YOU KNOW I READ TODAY THAT
THREE ORTHOPEDIC SURGEONS SAID
THAT SKATE BOARDING'S GOOD.
YES, FOR THEIR BUSINESS.
JULIE, YOU GOTTA WATCH
OUT FOR THOSE THINGS,
YOU KNOW, MY SCHOOL INSURANCE
ONLY COVERS PREGNANCIES.
YOU MEAN IF I CARRY THIS
THINGS AROUND FOR NINE MONTHS,
THEY'LL PAY FOR IT?
YOU'LL NEED TO GO
THROUGH NATURAL CAST-OFF.
ROBIN BOBBIN, TIME TO GO
TO SLEEP, LET'S GO, COME ON.
NIGHT.
HEY, JULIE?
WHAT?
JULIE, GUESS WHAT
HAPPENED IN SCHOOL TODAY?
WHAT?
GUESS WHAT HAPPENED
IN SCHOOL TODAY?
WHAT?
WHAT ARE YOU YELLING ABOUT?
THE KIDS FOUND OUT ABOUT
MY MEETING WITH LAZARUS
AND THEY SIGNED A PETITION
TO GET ME TO REPLACE WOODMAN.
REALLY?
REALLY, THOSE CRAZY KIDS.
WELL, WHAT'S SO CRAZY ABOUT IT?
YOU KNOW I TOLD YOU LAST
WEEK THAT I THOUGHT YOU'D MAKE
A GREAT VICE PRINCIPAL.
YOU REALLY THINK SO?
SURE.
ALL YOU HAVE TO
KNOW HOW TO DO IS SAY,
"I'M GONNA CALL YOUR MOTHER,"
IN FIVE DIFFERENT LANGUAGES.
THERE'S MORE TO IT THAN THAT.
YOU GOTTA KNOW HOW TO SAY,
"I'M NOT GONNA CALL YOUR MOTHER
SO GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY NECK."
ANYWAY, WHAT WOULD
WOODMAN DO IF I TOOK HIS JOB?
BUT, YOU KNOW, AT LEAST IT
WOULD GIVE HIM MORE FREE TIME
TO TRAIN HIS TARANTULA.
YOU KNOW, I THINK I SORT OF...
I'M USED TO WOODMAN,
HE'S COMFORTABLE,
SORT OF LIKE AN OLD SHOE.
OH, I CAN UNDERSTAND IT HONEY,
BUT JUST THINK ABOUT WHAT
ALL THE EXTRA MONEY'D DO.
I MEAN, WE COULD PAY
OFF SOME OF THESE BILLS.
WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS
WORRIED ABOUT THESE BILLS?
HONEY, I PAY THESE BILLS
THE SAME MONTH THEY COME IN.
DIFFERENT YEAR, BUT SAME MONTH.
OH, WELL, I DIDN'T MARRY
YOU FOR YOUR MONEY ANYWAY.
JULIE, WE'RE GONNA BE ALL
RIGHT AS FAR AS MONEY GOES.
AS LONG AS THE TWINS
PAY THEIR RENT ON TIME.
YOU KNOW WHAT BOTHERS ME THOUGH?
- WHAT?
- THE KIDS.
I MEAN I'M ALWAYS TELLING
'EM, "IMPROVE YOURSELF."
MR. KOTTER, BIG TEACHER,
IMPROVE YOURSELF.
NOW, WHEN I GET MY OWN
OPPORTUNITY TO DO IT,
I DON'T TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT.
WELL HONEY, WHAT
ARE YOU GONNA DO?
- I KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
- WHAT?
I'M GONNA SIGN YOUR CAST.
NOW, THERE'S A
SOLUTION, OKAY, HERE.
I'M GONNA WRITE
SOMETHING REALLY SEXY.
OKAY, BUT YOU GOTTA TAKE
ME OUT TO DINNER FIRST.
HELLO, KOTTER.
I'D LIKE A WORD WITH
YOU BEFORE CLASS.
OKAY?
IT'S ABOUT YOUR PLANS TO
OPPOSE ME FOR VICE PRINCIPAL.
MR. WOODMAN, THAT'S
NOT EXACTLY TRUE,
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU...
KOTTER, DO YOU THINK IT'S
EASY TO BE VICE PRINCIPAL?
I DON'T CARE.
LET ME TELL YOU WHAT'S
INVOLVED IN THIS JOB.
YOU THINK I'M HAPPY
DOING THIS, KOTTER?
I HAVE TO DO THIS...
THREE HOURS EVERY DAY,
FIVE DAYS EVERY WEEK,
FIFTY WEEKS EVERY YEAR.
MR. WOODMAN, IT DOESN'T MATTER!
AND BESIDES THAT, KOTTER, I HAVE
TO GO TO EVERY BASKETBALL GAME,
EVERY FOOTBALL GAME, TO
PROVE TO THE SCHOOL THAT I CARE.
YOU HAVE TO HAVE SPIRIT, KOTTER.
I EVEN HAVE MY OWN POM-POMS.
COCK-A-LOCKA,
COCK-A-LOCKA, WON'T YOU TRY?
GET ANOTHER GOAL FOR
THEM AND TAKE US HIGH!
THAT'S GREAT, MR. WOODMAN,
CAN YOU DO THE SPLITS TOO?
LISTEN, I DON'T WANT YOUR JOB.
MR. WOODMAN, LISTEN TO
ME, I DON'T WANT YOUR JOB.
REALLY?
REALLY.
WELL, THEN WHY DID YOU
MAKE ME CRAWL, KOTTER?
I DIDN'T MAKE YOU CRAWL.
YES YOU DID, YOU
EMBARRASSED ME FOR NOTHING.
MR. WOODMAN, I'VE BEEN
TRYING TO TELL YOU FOR TWO DAYS
THAT I DON'T WANT THE JOB.
WELL, LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING, KOTTER,
YOU WOULDN'T LAST
TWO DAYS ON THIS JOB!
THAT'S NOT EXACTLY
FAIR, MR. WOODMAN.
I THINK THAT I WOULD MAKE
A GOOD VICE PRINCIPAL.
I'M JUST, UH, I'M HAPPY
BEING A TEACHER.
COME ON KOTTER, FACE IT, YOU'RE
SCARED TO BE VICE PRINCIPAL,
TAKES REAL COURAGE TO RIDE
HERD OVER 2,000 RAMPAGING RUFFIANS.
ALL RIGHT, COME
ON, COME IN HERE!
YOU DON'T HAVE TO SNEAK
AROUND HERE, THERE'S NO SECRETS.
MR. WOODMAN, "RIDING
HERD" IS NOT THE ONLY WAY
TO BE VICE PRINCIPAL.
IN FACT, I THINK THERE'S
A MUCH BETTER WAY.
WELL, MR. KOTTER, IF
YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT,
WHY WON'T YOU GO AFTER THE JOB?
BECAUSE HE HASN'T GOT THE GUTS!
MR. WOODMAN, TOMORROW
MORNING I'M GONNA GO
DOWN TO THE SCHOOL BOARD
AND I'M GONNA TELL THEM
I WISH THEY WOULD CONSIDER
ME FOR THE JOB OF VICE PRINCIPAL.
- HOORAY!
- ALL RIGHT!
OKAY, KOTTER... MAYBE
YOU HAVE THE GUTS,
BUT YOU HAVEN'T
GOT THE POM-POMS!
- YOU!
- YOU!
-ASKED FOR IT, YOU GOT IT,
-ASKED FOR IT, YOU GOT IT,
- VICE PRINCIPAL!
- VICE PRINCIPAL!
JULIE, HOW'D I GET
MYSELF INTO THIS?
THE KIDS PULLING ME ONE WAY,
WOODMAN PUSHING ME ANOTHER WAY.
I'M NOT A MAN, I'M A POOL TOY.
LOOK, HONEY, I
KNOW YOU CAN DO IT,
THE SWEATHOGS
KNOW YOU CAN DO IT.
WOODMAN'S
CHALLENGING YOU TO DO IT.
THE ONLY ONE STANDING
IN YOUR WAY IS YOU.
WHAT ABOUT THE TWINS?
DO THEY THINK I CAN DO IT?
I'LL GO ASK THEM.
BUT I'M SURE THEY
FEEL THE SAME WAY I DO.
WHATEVER YOU
WANT IS OKAY WITH US.
MEANWHILE I'M GONNA GO FIX
YOU A NICE CUP OF HOT COCOA.
VICE PRINCIPAL KOTTER.
WOODMAN'S WRONG,
POWER WON'T CORRUPT ME.
VICE PRINCIPAL KOTTER.
PRINCIPAL KOTTER.
EMPEROR KOTTER.
KING KOTTER.
NOW, JUST, JUST IN
CASE, JUST IN CASE,
COME ON, HAND ME THE BALL,
I WANNA SEE IF I CAN DO IT.
I'MMA GET IT, JUST BE PATIENT.
YOU WAS NEVER GOOD.
ALL RIGHT, CLASS, SETTLE
DOWN HERE, SETTLE DOWN NOW.
THIS HERE IS THE YEAR 20,050
AND ONE OF...
ONE OF THE THINGS WE CELEBRATE
AT THIS TIME OF THE YEAR IS...
THAT'S THE THIRD TIME YOU'VE
FALLEN ASLEEP THIS WEEK!
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
I SAID HE'S FALLEN ASLEEP!
HE FELL IN THE CREEK?
ASLEEP, DOG-GONE-IT!
SLEEP, SLEEP, SLEEP!
OH...
HIS HIGHNESS,
THE VICE PRINCIPAL.
♪
IT'S VICE PRINCIPAL
KOTTER-ER-ER-ER-ER.
I TOLD YOU TO CALL ME "KING."
GET DOWN.
- HAIL TO THE KING.
- HAIL THE KING!
- HAIL, HAIL!
- HAIL TO THE KING.
WOULD YOU PLEASE
STOP THIS GROVELING?
YOU'LL GET RUNS IN YOUR
ORTHOPEDIC STOCKING.
HEY YOU, KINGIE,
KING, KING, HEY YOU!
WHEN YOU GONNA LET ME GRADUATE?
MY DEAR WASHINGTON, IT'S
QUITE OUT OF THE QUESTION.
WE NEED YOU FOR
THE BASKETBALL TEAM.
BASKETBALL TEAM?
I'VE BEEN PLAYING
BASKETBALL FOR 75 YEARS.
I KNOW.
AND DON'T YOU THINK IT'S
TIME YOU TOOK A SHOWER?
WHAT DID HE SAY?
I SAID, "TAKE A SHOWER,
TAKE A SHOWER!"
WHY, IS THERE ONE MISSING?
THAT IS A OLD JOKE!
WHAT DO YOU WANT
FROM AN OLD FOOL?
STOP IT, STOP THIS!
YOU KNOW I BANISHED LAUGHTER
WHEN I EXILED WOODMAN.
YOU BANISH LAUGHTER,
THEN, WHY'D YOU HIRE ME?
SIMPLE, YOU'RE NOT FUNNY.
HORSHACK?
YES, SIRE?
I HAVE SOMETHING VERY
IMPORTANT TO DISCUSS WITH YOU.
AH, CONGRATULATIONS MY SON.
I MOST CERTAINLY
AM NOT YOUR SON!
ISN'T THIS THE
FAIRCHILD WEDDING?
LEMME SEE THAT, THIS ISN'T
THE FAIRCHILD WEDDING,
YOU'RE IN THE WRONG DREAM,
THAT'S THE FOURTH DREAM
TO THE LEFT, COME
ON, GET OUT OF HERE.
SORRY, THIS IS THE FIRST
DREAM I'VE EVER REALLY BEEN IN.
WHERE WAS I?
OH, YES, SOMETHING IMPORTANT.
HORSHACK, MY SPIES
TELL ME THERE'S A PLOT
AFLOAT TO KILL ME.
WHY SHOULDN'T WE KILL YA?
YOU'RE GETTING
TO BE A REAL DRAG.
YES AND I'M GOING TO BE
THE NEW VICE PRINCIPAL.
NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!
YOU SHALL NEVER
BE VICE PRINCIPAL!
AS LONG AS I AM THE KING.
OH, YEAH?
WELL, WE'LL PUT A FIX TO THAT.
I USED TO BE SO GOOD LOOKING.
OH, YES, LOOK WHO IT IS,
MY CHARMING DAUGHTERS,
ROBIN AND RACHEL,
AND MY WIFE THE FOSSIL.
TELL ME, WHO TOLD YOU
YOU COULD BUY A NEW DRESS?
HAD TO HAVE SOMETHING TO
WEAR TO YOUR EXECUTION, SONNY?
SO!
YOU'RE PART OF THE PLOT TOO!
NO MORE UNCLE JOKES FOR
ME, JUST DEAD UNCLE JOKES.
SO EVERYBODY'S A
PART OF IT, ALL OF YOU!
NOW, NOW, NOW, DON'T
LOOK AT IT AS A BEHEADING.
I WANT YOU TO LOOK
AT IT AS A CRASH DIET.
HALT, FOOL!
HE'S MINE!
I'VE WAITED A LONG
TIME FOR THIS GUY.
YOU MIGHT HAVE MY JOB, BUT
YOU NEVER HAD MY POM-POMS.
COCK-A-LOCKA, COCK-A-LOCKA,
COCK-A-LOCKA, COCK-A-LOCKA,
COCK-A-LOCKA, COCK-A-LOCKA,
COCK-A-LOCKA, COCK-A-LOCKA,
EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME?
WOULD YOU MIND SPEEDING
UP THE EXECUTION?
THIS IS THE ROOM FOR
THE FAIRCHILD WEDDING.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO...
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
- HONEY, WAKE UP, HONEY, IT'S ME.
- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
- WAKE UP!
- OH, OH, OH, JULIE, OH, HONEY!
- IT'S OKAY, IT'S ALL OVER.
- OH, HONEY.
HONEY, I HAD THE
WORST DREAM, I WA...
I WAS ALMOST
COCK-A-LOCKA'D TO DEATH.
IT'S OKAY, IT'S ALL OVER HONEY.
OH, JULIE, I DON'T
WANNA BE KING.
OH, AND I WAS JUST GONNA HAVE
YOUR THRONE REUPHOLSTERED.
THAT'S WHAT I WAS TRYING
TO TELL MYSELF IN THE DREAM.
I DON'T WANNA BE VICE PRINCIPAL,
YOU KNOW IT ALL MAKES SENSE.
EXCEPT FOR THAT
CHINESE MINISTER.
HEY, FREDDIE, HERE'S
SOME MORE NAMES.
RIGHT-ON, ARNOLD
HORSHACK, RIGHT-ON, EPSTEIN,
RIGHT ON, VINNIE
BARBA... ALL RIGHT!
WE GOT IT HERE, WE GOT THEM
THINGS ON THE PETITION, YOU...
- GOOD MORNING, GOOD MORNING.
- HEY, MR. KOTTER.
HEY, MR.KOT-TAIRE, OUR
"DUMP MR. WOODMAN" CAMPAIGN
IS RIGHT ON TARGET, WE GOT
ENOUGH SIGNATURES HERE
TO PUT YOU OVER THE TOP.
FOURTEEN-HUNDRED
AND SEVEN NAMES.
YEAH, YEAH.
NOT COUNTING FORGERIES.
MR. WASHINGTON?
SURE, MR. KOT-TAIRE, ANYTHING
FOR YOU MY MAN, MR. V.P.
GUYS, I GOT SOMETHING TO SAY.
- YEAH?
- YEAH?
I DON'T WANT TO
BE VICE PRINCIPAL.
- WHAT?
- WHAT?
WHAT?
WOODMAN HIGH
JACKED THE BABIES, HUH?
LOOK, THIS IS HOW I
FIGURE IT, LEAVING A JOB
THAT YOU REALLY LOVE FOR
ONE THAT PAYS MORE MONEY
ISN'T NECESSARILY A PROMOTION.
I KNEW IT, NOBODY EVER GETS
PROMOTED OUTTA THIS CLASS.
VINNIE, I THINK I, UH,
BETTER STICK AROUND
AND MAKE SURE YOU GUYS DO.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S KINDA NICE,
YOU NOT WANTING TO LEAVE US.
THERE YOU ARE, KOTTER.
READ IT AND WEEP, YOU AND YOUR
GANG DIDN'T MOVE FAST ENOUGH.
THE BOARD NEVER
GOT YOUR PETITION.
I'VE BEEN RENEWED FOR TWO YEARS.
CONGRATULATIONS, MR. WOODMAN,
THEY MUST'VE FIGURED
YOU'RE THE BEST MAN FOR THE JOB.
WELL, YOU KNOW, WITH WOODMAN
STAYING AS VICE PRINCIPAL,
WE AREN'T GONNA HAVE
TO CHANGE OUR GRAFFITI.
MR. CHAN FROM THE SCHOOL
BOARD GAVE ME THE NEWS HIMSELF.
OH, MR. CHAN, COME IN PLEASE.
MR. CHAN, THIS IS MR. KOTTER,
UNSUCCESSFUL
CANDIDATE FOR MY JOB.
OH, MR. CHAN, NICE TO MEET...
YOU LOOK, UH, VERY FAMILIAR.
SO DO YOU, MR. KOTTER.
PERHAPS WE MET AT
THE FAIRCHILD WEDDING?
♪
MR. WOODMAN, WE'RE
IN HEAVEN OKAY?
WE'RE IN HEAVEN?
IT'S A JOKE, WE'RE
IN HEAVEN, OKAY?
ALL RIGHT, WE'RE IN HEAVEN.
OKAY, NOW THERE'S TWO DOORS,
ONE DOOR HAS A SIGN ABOVE IT
THAT SAYS "MEN THAT WERE
HENPECKED BY THEIR WIVES."
THE OTHER DOOR HAS A
SIGN ABOVE IT THAT SAYS,
"MEN THAT WERE BOSS."
NOW THERE'S A LONG
LINE OF GUYS WAITING
TO GET INTO THE DOOR
THAT SAYS, "MEN THAT WERE
HENPECKED BY THEIR WIVES."
BUT THERE'S ONLY ONE GUY WAITING
TO GET INTO THE DOOR THAT SAYS
"MEN THAT WERE BOSS."
- ONE GUY?
- ONE GUY.
SO ST. PETER COMES
UP TO HIM AND SAYS,
"I WONDER WHY YOU'RE THE
ONLY GUY WAITING IN THIS LINE?"
AND HE SAYS, "I DUNNO, MY
WIFE TOLD ME TO STAND HERE."
♪
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪♪