Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 1, Episode 18 - Dr. Epstein, I Presume - full transcript

Did I tell you about my
uncle, Walden Kotter?

He was afraid he wasn't
gonna go to heaven.

Did he ever find
out if he was or not?

Well, I'm glad
you asked me that.

See, one time he
took a trip to India.

Went up on the highest mountain,

and spoke to the highest lama.

He said, "You have to tell me.

I have to know, am
I going to heaven?"

The lama said,
"Well, Mr. Kotter.

I shall check and see. I
let you know tomorrow."



Goes to the hotel,
comes back the next day.

He said, "Did you find
out? Did you find out?"

He says, "Mr. Kotter, I
have good news for you,

"and I have bad news for you.

"The good news is yes,
you are going to heaven.

The bad news is,
you leave Thursday."

Welcome Back,
Kotter is recorded live

before a studio audience.

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪

♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪



♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪

♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

Good morning!

Okay.

Your assignment for today
was to write a composition on:

"What I Want to Be."

Which I'm sure you've all done.

So let's get right into it.

Mr. Barbarino.

"What I Want To Be,
"by Vinnie Barbarino.

"I want to be a guy who
never writes compositions.

The end."

You gonna be a guy that
never gets outta high school.

Sit down.

Freddie, let's hear yours.

"What I Want To Be, by Frederick
'Boom Boom' Washington."

Hi there.

See, like, I ain't decided
what I wanna be yet.

But whatever it's gonna be,

it's gonna be
something that pays well.

Something with, like, um...

With profit sharing and
good pension, you know,

with, uh, like, stock options,
um, three weeks paid vacation.

How about free hospitalization?
- All right.

And a secretary that
looks like Diana Ross.

Yeah!

And a suede sports coat.

You know, the kind with the
patches on the elbow. Yeah.

Uh, Freddie. If you find a
job like that, let me know,

because I'd like to apply too.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Now... Now, I may be wrong,

but somehow I get the feeling,

that Arnold wants to be next.

Right you are, Mr. Kotter.

You know how you was always

talking about
personal initiative?

Well, instead of "What
Do I Want To Be,"

I have titled my composition:

"What Do I Want?"

Ahem.

"Dear Santa,

"I know it is your off-season,

"but I want a G.I.Joe...

and a Barbie doll to
keep him company."

You know, when... When he
comes home on leave, you know.

"And if it isn't
too much trouble,

"I'd like to be taller.

But if not, please reconsider
my application for elf."

All right!

Ho-ho-ho!

This is Santa, little boy.

I'm sorry but we had
to lay off a few elves.

It's been a lousy season.

The little guys had to
paint themselves green,

and become leprechauns.
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Okay, now, Mr. Epste...

Barbarino, where's Epstein?

I ain't seen him.

You haven't seen him.

Where?

Anywhere.

Who?

Juan Epstein,

the Georgie Jessel of San Juan.

Georgie, who?

Georgie Jessel.

Vinnie Barbarino
was a wonderful boy,

before he fell down that day.

And let's hope that the
damaged part will grow back.

What?

All right, try and read my lips:

Where is Epstein?

There.

Where?

Here.

All right, Epstein. Come on.

Let's have it, so
we can get to work.

What?

One of your famous
notes that will read:

"Please excuse
Juan for being late.

"He was kidnapped by the jet set

"and left tied up on a
lawn in Hyannisport.

Signed...?"

"Epstein's mother."

Yeah, well, I ain't got
no note, Mr. Kotter.

I was home because,
uh, Florence is sick,

and I had to take care of her.

You had to take
care of somebody?

Epstein, since when
are you a doctor?

You don't even
know how to play golf.

Yeah, but Florence
don't trust nobody but me.

That's why I had to
bring her to school.

Well, where is this sick person?

In the box.

You stuffed somebody in a box.

Yeah, you see,
uh, this is Florence.

It's my pet hamster.

It's a rat! It's a rat!

Eek, eek, it's a rat! Oh!

Call the janitor! Get his broom!

Back! Back! Back!
Back! Back! Back!

Arnold, it's... It's...
It's... It's not a rat.

It's a hamster!

Oh.

Oh, Epstein, he
looks just like you.

He's all hairy with
mean little eyes.

Florence is a she.

Okay, come on, everybody.
Sit down. Come on, let's go.

Hey, Juan, you never told me
you had this interest in hamsters.

You never asked.

Hey, I got myself
some white mice,

and... And... And a chicken
who escaped from a butcher shop,

and was trying to
cross the Bay Parkway.

You know, your assignment today

was to write a composition
on "What I Want To Be."

Have you ever
considered becoming a vet?

Oh, no. My brother
Sanchez was in the Army.

Didn't like it a bit.

No, I'm not talking
about a veteran.

I mean a veterinarian.

Oh yeah, my sister
is a veterinarian.

But I gotta have meat.

Not a vegetarian,
a veterinarian.

A person who takes
care of animals.

Like my mother.

I'm not talking about animals
like you and your brothers.

I'm talking real animals.

Cats, dogs, monkeys.

You think you can do that?

Me? Ah, come on.

I think you should
see Miss Helms,

the career guidance counselor.

My young man, she could
channel your interest in animals

into a worthwhile
and rewarding career.

I didn't know what
to do with my life.

A friend interested me

in the Columbia
School of Hamsters.

I think you too can
have a rewarding career

among our furry friends.

The Columbia School of Hamsters

should not be confused with
the Columbia School of Rats.

See hablo hamster.

But can he get good
pay, in a short time?

I am serious, Epstein.

I think you should try for it.

Yeah, well, Dr. Epstein.

It's got a nice ring to it.

Yeah! All right, man!

Computer technology and
videocassette curriculum

can lead to a day in
which the one-to-one

educative confrontation as
we know it will be outmoded.

Now, let me understand
this, Miss Helms.

You mean that someday,
I'll be able to run this school,

and not have to
deal with students?

Absolutely.

Not on today's inefficient
face-to-face level.

Imagine that, Kotter.

A school with no students.

That would be heaven.

And the next step:

No teachers.

Everything will be electronic.

Good morning, boys and girls.

I am your Social Studies robot.

My name is Kotter B2-12.

Now everybody relax,
because nothing can go wrong.

Now, everybody take out your
homework... Homework... Homework,

Have you done your homework...?
Homework... Homework... Homework...

Just as I should expect:

A Kotter doll.

You wind it up and it
makes a fool of itself.

You have no feeling
for progress, Kotter.

If that's progress, Mr. Woodman,

I am going into my
uncle's deli business.

I never heard of anybody
trying to computerize a salami.

Computerized salami.

What did he call me?

Juan Epstein, I'd like
you to meet Miss Helms.

Miss Helms, this
is Juan Epstein.

Oh, how do you do, Miss Helms.

Hey, you know, the more I
think about this animal doctoring,

the better it sounds, you know?

Calling Dr. Epstein.
Calling Dr. Epstein.

Chihuahua having a
nervous breakdown.

Ostrich on a paranoid trip.

How's Florence?

Oh, you know, about the same.

All she does is roll over and
take a drink now and then.

Well, don't worry.

I go for whole
weekends like that.

Why don't we sit down. Yeah.

Mr. Epstein, ahem,
your subgradial GPA,

as shown on our
grafted SAT projections

place you in the anterior
range of our median curve.

What is she talking about?

Oh, well, she
said that your, uh...

She's trying to, uh...

What are you talking about?

This student falls
below the career level

for a career professional.

Um, lawyer, economist,
any sort of engineer.

More aptly, he should be
channeled toward employment

involving overly simple routine

within a highly
supervised environment.

Miss Helms, let's
make it overly simple.

Put it right on the table.
Can Juan be a veterinarian?

I think this student
should explore

the highly rewarding
field of manual labor.

Are you saying I can't be a vet?

Wait... EPSTEIN:
No, no, really, please.

Uh, hey, look, you know,
Mr. Kotter always tells us,

"Hey, you can be
whatever you wanna be."

Anything realistic.

Yeah, so I wanna be a
vet. A doctor for animals.

- Well, that's impossible.
- Why?

Well, it just isn't here.

But he's already got
all kinds of animals.

He takes care of them now.

That's what he came
to talk to you about.

Well, it's certainly
fortunate that he did.

Since to encourage him in
this direction, quite frankly,

could be harmful both to
Mr. Epstein and to his animals.

Harmful? Does it say...?

Does it say I'm harmful
here? Is that what you...?

Is she saying I'm gonna do
something bad to my animals?

I don't think she
understands the situation.

Let me have a few words
with her and I'll talk to you later.

Whew, that was a quick career.

Thanks a lot for
the bum ride, Kotter.

Juan.

Juan, come here.

You see, Mr. Kotter,
this is a good example

of why the personal interface
method should be replaced.

Many times, the subject
feels confused, threatened...

You're the one that
confused and threatened him.

You were supposed to
counsel him. Help him.

All you did was throw hopes
and dreams out the window.

Mr. Epstein just doesn't
have the numbers.

I have no other answer for him.

Yeah, well, I have an
answer for you, lady:

Up your nose with
your computer hose.

And twice as far
with a chocolate bar.

Gabe, would you calm down.

How can I calm down?

Those kids will
never trust me again.

I mean, after what
that woman said to him.

I'm sorry, Mr. Epstein, but
your framestan is forbungeon

and your claven has
just hit your grammars

so therefore your future
has just been cancelled.

I mean, if someone would
have said that to me in school,

I would never have
become a teacher.

I'd probably be
a dance instructor

at Leilani Shapiro's
Dance Palace.

Ah, Madame Shuganov,

how beautiful you
look this evening.

You are simply delightful

for a 76-year-old
woman with no teeth.

Ha-ha.

How would you like...?

Were you expecting somebody?

No. Oh.

Ew. Arnold, what is that?

Truman Capote.

Epstein says take
good care of him.

Uh...

Epstein says you
should take good care

of his little mouseketeers.

There's Jimmy, Darlene,
Cubby and Annette.

Um, Annette's the
one with the good build.

Here, Epstein wants you to
take care of Wally, Lumpy,

Eddie Haskell, and of course
Jerry Mathers as the Beaver.

This is, uh, Harpo,
and that's John Boy.

And Florence you met already.

Okay, okay. Now, what's
going on here, huh?

Ringling Brothers had a
going-out-of business sale?

Well, thanks to you
and that computer lady,

Juan don't think he can
take care of them anymore.

Juan, you can't leave
these animals here.

Especially Florence. She's sick.

Oh, you heard
that computer lady.

My subgradial took a nosedive
into the curve of my posterior.

Besides, Florence will be
a lot better off without me.

They all will.

Hey, can I have some time
alone with my little friends, guys?

Sure, sure, Juan. Okay.

See you later.

Now is the time to say goodbye,

to all my company.

Goodbye, Harpo.

Good night, John Boy.

Take care of them like they
was your own, Mr. Kotter.

'Cause they are.

Well, I guess, there's
gonna be 13 more for dinner.

Oh, boy.

What a night.

Those white mice didn't
stop screaming all night.

And that other
hamster on that wheel,

it was just some
Japanese monster movie.

The Hamster Who Ate Brooklyn.

Honey, you better
take a look at Florence.

She looks worse
than she did last night.

And last night
she looked terrible.

Wow, she really looks bad.

I know.

I better call Epstein. Okay.

I'm gonna call the only person
that can help you Florence:

Dr. Juan.

Epstein. It's Gabe...
Uh, Mr. Kotter.

Look, Florence, uh,
doesn't look so good.

Well, she's rolled
over on one side,

and she's breathing very heavy.

Well, it sounds like, uh:

Anybody walked in now,
they'd think I'm making

an obscene phone
call to the Bronx Zoo.

What? A cold compress
on her forehead?

Epstein, she has a tiny little
forehead all covered with hair.

Oh, she just rolled over again.

She's what?

Okay, look, I'll meet you at
school in 10 minutes, all right?

Okay, be there. Right.
Get everybody. All right.

What?

Florence is gonna
have a baby. Oh!

Looks like she's been doing more

than running around
that exercise wheel.

Bye.

Come on, let's go. Now, come on.

All right, hold on Florence.
We'll get you there.

Hold on, Florence.

We're having an operation!

Take her. Take her. Get
ready for the operation.

All right, all right. I'm
gonna get hot water.

I'm going to the cafeteria.

Do we need anything else?

Yeah. Bring me back a BLT.

BLT. Hold the mayo.

Hold the mayo.

- A prune Danish.
- Prune Danish.

A submarine sandwich.

Submarine sandwich.
Okay, BLT, hold the mayo.

Submarine sandwich
and a prune Danish, right?

But if they don't got
prune, cheese is okay too.

Okay, if they don't
got prune, cheese is...

I'll get the hot water.

Quick! Quick! Clear
the desk! Clear the desk!

Bring the patient over here!
Bring the patient over here!

It's time. Surgical instruments.

Surgical instruments!
Surgical instruments.

Syringe. Syringe.

Thermometer. Thermometer.

Soldering iron. Solder...

What are we gonna
do with a soldering iron?

Well, you see I figured it
was a lot faster than stitches.

Okay, okay. Mask. Mask.

Mask, mask, mask.

Lights, lights, lights, lights.

Okay, okay. Sponge.

Wipe, wipe.

I'm wiping as fast as I can.

You want faster,
call Marcus Welby.

Okay, okay, okay.

Florence, you got BlueCross?

All right, would
you sign right here?

Come on! Come on!
She... She can't sign that.

I'm sorry.

We cannot operate if she
doesn't sign this thing here.

Come on. Vital
signs. Vital signs.

All right. Heartbeat?

Normal.

Breathing.

Yes.

Yes.

Well, from here on,
it's up to Florence.

All we can do is
make her comfortable.

Uh, Dr. Horshack. Huh?

Tear up some paper and put it in
there and make her comfortable.

Certainly. Dr. Washington.

Get the lamp. Get it in there.
Let's get some heat in there.

All right, I'll plug it in.

Gentlemen, I've done what I can.

Now all we can do

is wait.

I never attend
classes in person.

They're filled with students.
Well, it's about time you did.

It's important that you see
what's going on in my class.

Help. He's taking
me in with people.

In there, Helms.

How's it going Juan?

Here's your hot water.
Oh, pretty good, Mr. Kotter.

Look, you see? She's
already had one baby,

she's about to have
another. Take a look.

Huh, isn't that terrific, Helms?

That's rea...

Oh, boy.

You better sit down.
You don't look too hot.

Oh, boy.

Isn't that great the way
she can do that, Mr. Kotter?

What'll they think of next?

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

All I want to know
is, who is the father?

I think it's John Boy.

He is not as
innocent as he looks.

Hey, man, that don't
look like no hamsters.

Look more like prunes with hair.

Am I to understand

that you supervised
this whole process?

Affirmative.

I supervised the delivery,

and, uh, John Boy
supervised everything else.

Yeah, you see in a
couple of minutes now,

she's gonna start
feeding them by herself.

Uh, this is amazing.

I mean, it... It's
really remarkable.

Well, you know what I think
would be terrific, Miss Helms?

I think it would be just
great if you scheduled

another counseling
session with Mr. Epstein.

Uh, well, um...

And this is not to admit that I
was wrong, you understand.

But I have been known
to reprogram my mind.

Hey, look. That's okay.

But next time we get together,
you gotta talk English, see?

Because, like, uh, hey, I
don't understand computer.

I'll try, Dr. Epstein.

Oh, hey, Mr. Kotter,
this is for you.

A bubble gum cigar. Yeah.

They're very
difficult to keep lit.

Yeah, well,

it's a little present
from me and Florence

and little Gabe and Julie.

Little Gabe and Julie, huh?

Aw.

Which one is, uh, Gabe?

The one with the moustache.

So Julie is the little
skinny one over there, huh?

Yeah.

Hi, Julie.

Hey, Julie, did I ever tell
you about my Uncle Max?

Well, he was 64 years old,

and he decided to
marry a 28-year-old girl...

Julie, did I tell ever you
about my Uncle Max?

He was 64 years old. He
married a 28-year-old girl.

No.

Why don't you tell me about it?

Oh, I would be delighted to.

Good. You see, Uncle Max was 64,

and he wanted to marry
this 28-year-old girl.

I called him on
the phone. I said:

"Uncle Max, you
cannot marry that girl.

"At her age you'd
have to take her out,

"you're gonna have
to make love to her.

At your age that
could be fatal."

He said: "Listen, if
she dies, she dies."

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names
Have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪

♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ We always could
Spot a friend ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ And I smile when I think
How you must've been ♪

♪ And I know what a
scene You were learnin' in ♪

♪ Was there something that
Made you come back again? ♪

♪ And what could ever lead ya ♪

♪ What could Ever lead ya ♪

♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪

♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪