Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 1, Episode 19 - One Flu Over the Cuckoo's Nest - full transcript

A flu epidemic requires several advanced students to join Kotter's class, where they quickly outshine his struggling students. Kotter boosts the battered self-confidence of his Sweathogs by demonstrating that not all smarts are book smarts.

What's the matter,
Julie? Who was that?

It was a crank call.

I don't know why kids
have to make crank calls.

Did you ever do that?

Just once.

I was about 11.

I called up a butcher.

I said, "Hello, is
this the butcher?"

He said, "Yes, it is."

I said, "Do you
have pig's feet?"

He said, "We certainly do."



I said, "Well, where do
you buy your shoes?"

Welcome Back,
Kotter is recorded live

before a studio audience.

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪

♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪



♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

Hey, Epstein.

What are you doin'?
Hey, I wanna talk to you.

Mr. Woodman, uh,
mixing these two classes...

Do you really think that
that's the right thing to do?

This flu epidemic
has hit us hard, Kotter.

Ms. Fishbeck kept my
other teachers out sick.

I've gotta combine what's left

of her academically
enriched class...

with your, uh, Sweathogs.

I don't know, Mr. Woodman,

mixing, uh, Ms. Fishbeck's
class with the Sweathogs

is like mixing
strawberries and mustard.

What's the matter with
strawberries and mustard?

I eat it everyday.

♪ Boom boom boom
boom boom boom ♪

What is he doing?

He was just pretending
to play the bass.

Isn't there some other
way, Mr. Woodman?

They were just
pretending... They, uh...

They do a lot of
pretending in that class.

They pretend to be students.
He pretends to be a teacher.

Epstein. Epstein, where are
you going? What's the matter?

You're going flying?

No, you're not?
You're sick of flying?

Your stomach is fly... Flew.

You just flew in from Vegas,
and, boy, is your stomach tired.

No. Oh, you're
sick. You got the flu.

Yeah, yeah.

Flu.

Sick. Unh.

Gonna die.

This, uh... This flu
epidemic is a crisis, Kotter.

You remember what
General Patton used to say?

Sure I do.

He said, "School is hell."

No, he didn't say that.

He said, "When
the going gets tough,

the tough get going."

What's the matter, Mr. Woodman?

You flew? You got the flu?

Huh? You're sick?

If you fly into
Epstein, let me know.

All right, good morning.

Good morning, Mr. Kotter.

As you see, uh, Ms.
Fishbeck is out with the flu,

so some of her students
will be joining us.

Let's give 'em a nice,
warm Sweathog welcome.

Hey, yo, Mr. Kotter,

if they're the
academically enriched,

then, uh, what is we?

Unenriched?

No, you're dumb.

Hey, Howdy Doody.

Why don't you take
one end of a rubber hose

and put it in your mouth,

and then you take the other
and you put it up your nose,

and then you blow
till your brains fall out.

Ha, ha, ha.

Hey, Vinnie.

Vinnie, when are you gonna
change the oil in your hair?

Hey, hey, hey, Judy.

You know how you can lose
10 ugly pounds in a hurry?

Have your head removed.

All right. Come on,
come on, enough of this.

Come on, let's settle down.

Boy, we have a
lot more casualt...

Arnold is absent.

Yeah, I don't think
Arnold's been absent

the whole time I've known him.

Yeah, you know,
he never gets sick.

I guess, it's probably because
no germ would wanna live

in his body.

Here. Here.

Arnold, would you
take that mask off

so we can understand
what you're saying?

All I said was...

You know, it's nice to be safe,

but you can carry flu
prevention a little bit too far.

You know, Mr. Kotter, you're
not looking so hot yourself.

How would you
like some vitamins?

These are to make
your complexion pretty.

These are to strengthen
your teeth and your nails.

And these are to make
you friskier with the missis.

Oh, which one of those pills
do I take to make you sit down?

Oh, Mr. Kotter. Go
ahead, go ahead.

Yesterday, we were talking
about world economics.

Now, the economics of
the world greatly change

with the discovery
of the New World.

Now, who was the first explorer

to chart the North
American coastline?

Todd.

Amerigo Vespucci.

You made that up.

Amerigo Vespucci.

You mean, you don't know
who Amerigo Vespucci was?

Of course, I know who he was.

That was... That was Chef
Boyardee's maiden name.

Okay.

Now, one of the most important
trade routes of the New World...

Maybe the most important.
- -was the Mississippi River.

Now, who discovered
the Mississippi River?

Judy.

De Soto.

De Soto!

That was the name of
my father's first taxicab.

De Soto.

All right, I'm gonna ask
you a very simple question.

Something we all know,

because we all learned
it in the third grade.

What were the names
of Columbus' three ships?

Oh, that's so cheesy.

Oh, I used to know that.

Me? Me? I know...

Freddie, come on, what is it?

All right. Okay.

You wanna know the three names

of Columbus' three
ships, right? Right.

Okay, I'm gonna give it to you.

Um.

Nina?

Nina, right.

Okay, baby, there's
a Nina and a Pinto.

Pinto!

That was the name of
my father's second taxicab.

That's Pinta.

Right.

Yeah, right, right,
the Pinta. Okay.

Now, we got the Nina,
the Pinta and the...

Go, Freddie, go,
Freddie, go, Freddie go.

We got the Nina,
the Pinta and the...

Santa. FREDDIE: The Santa...

Santa... Santa Anita.

Santa Anita?

Yeah, that's the boat

that all the horses sailed in.

Mr. Kotter!

Mr. Kotter, since
we're on the subject

of great explorers,

I have some very
interesting information

that I would like to
share with the class.

It's about Lewis and Clark.

Al Lewis and Willy Clark.

The Sunshine Boys. I've
seen that movie many times.

Oh, Mr. Kotter, please?

Do your George Burns.

All right.

- I - remember the
week I was working

at the Devily Theatre in
Poughkeepsie, New York.

I was on a split bill,

and the other act was a
young lady named Trixie Hicks.

A terrific act.

She used to, uh, have the map

of England tattooed on her body.

Big finish was, she
would show the audience

the white cliffs of Dover.

Mr. Kotter, we're here to learn.

Ms. Fishbeck doesn't
do impressions.

Yeah, all she ever
does is tug at her girdle.

As I was saying: In 1804,

Lewis and Clark were
the first ones to explore

the newly acquired territory
known as the Louisiana Purchase.

They also had an Indian woman
with them who acted as a guide.

Her name was Sacajawea,
and she was fascinating.

I could talk about
her for hours,

'cause she was the first...

Judy. Judy. Judy. Give
it to me later, all right?

All right. Homework!

Homework, Mr. Kotter.

You forgot to give us homework.

Right. Right. Homework.

Answer the questions
at the back of Chapter 6.

For tomorrow. Mañana.

Hey, Todd. Yeah?

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Yeah.

Todd. Yeah.

You don't understand.

You see,

when he forgets to
give us homework

you're not supposed
to remind him.

See?

Comprendo, dumb-o?

See? Freddie, if I may?

Todd, on behalf of all
the Sweathogs present

I would like to welcome
you to our class.

Aw, thanks, Arnold. Thanks.

What are you doing?

Oh, b... by the way, Todd. Yeah.

You know that... That...
That gook that they scrape

from the bottom
of the barrel? Yeah.

That's you, Todd.

Come on. Oh, oh.

All right, all right, all right.

Come on, let's cut
this out, all right?

We'll be together
for a few days.

We're all here for the
same thing: to learn.

You know what I
learned today, Mr. Kotter?

I'll tell you what
I learned today:

I learned that I
don't know nothing.

No, Vinnie, you
don't know anything.

See?

All right. Look, learning
is like anything else.

People just don't all
do it at the same pace.

It's like the stomach flu.

Some people get it.

Some people don't get it.

I think I got it.

Julie.

What's the matter?

I have a zero temperature.

I think you're probably
just reading it wrong.

Oh.

According to this, you
died three days ago.

How do you feel, honey?

You know that
gook that they scrape

from the bottom of the barrel?

Why don't you just come
on and get back in bed?

I can't. I gotta go to school.

I cannot leave my kids alone
with Ms. Fishbeck's class.

I mean, they're starting
to feel inadequate already.

If I don't show up,
they'll probably just stop

trying to learn.

Besides, uh,

they'll put 'em with
Mr. Millman's Metal Shop

if I'm not there. So?

Those kids alone in
the Metal Shop class?

They'll build a tank.

Honey, you are crazy.

I know.

That's what makes
this marriage work.

All right. What do you want
me to make you for breakfast?

Egh! Don't talk about that.
Don't mention that word.

Well, do you want me
to pack you a lunch?

Oogh. Do not talk about
food. Please, no food.

Honey, you cannot go an
entire day without eating.

I know that.

That's why I'm gonna make
myself a nice sandwich.

I got a nice sandwich
that I'm gonna make.

Couple pieces of bread,

then you put on some Anacin...

some Pepto-Bismol,

and then you get
some milk of magnesia,

and you got a nice
medicine sandwich,

and then for dessert... What?

You can get some
nasal spray. Oh, good.

I don't feel good, Julie.

Oh.

Well, good morning.

Nice to see the bright,
smiling backs of your heads.

You are looking
very chipper yourself

this morning, Mr. Kotter.

Hey, Horshack.

Look, Kotter, you
don't need us no more.

You finally got some
smart kids you can teach.

So why don't you just
pretend we ain't here, all right?

Oh.

Little babies got
their feelings hurt.

So, they're gonna do the old

we're-not-gonna-face-Mr.
Kotter routine.

Right?

Oh, they're gonna pull the old

we'll
stick-our-heads-in-the-sand

and-be-Sweat-ostriches routine.

It's gonna be the old...

That's enough. Come on,
turn those chairs around.

Now!

Facing the front.

Okay. I mean, the way
you guys are acting,

we're right back to
the first day of school.

It's like we haven't
learned anything.

No.

Now we back to the
first day of school.

This is nice, huh?

This is the way for high
school students to act.

Throwing paper
airplanes at their teacher.

Well, I won't stand for it.

Hey. Don't fool around
with an ex-Sweathog.

Mr. Kotter, I got a note
explaining my absenteeism.

"Dear Mr. Kotter, please
excuse Juan's abs..."

Aren't you gonna read along?

"Please excuse Juan's absence,

"he was home sick
with the stomach flu.

Sincerely, Mrs. Epstein."

Fine.

It's okay, Juan. Your
excuse is perfectly legitimate.

I know.

That's the problem.

It's the first legit excuse
I've turned in in 11 years.

Me, Juan Epstein, the flim-flam
man of Buchanan High School.

A legit excuse.

Ptss!

What's the world coming to?

How're you feeling, Juan?

Eh... better, Horshack.

Good.

Hey, Juan, I didn't
finish my lunch yesterday

you want half a
liverwurst sandwich?

Mmm.

Mr. Kotter, can I
have my note back?

Put that thing away, Arnold,
before you empty the school out.

All right, yesterday,

you were supposed
to answer the questions

in the back of Chapter 6.

Will everyone please take
out their homework. Now.

Mr. Vincent Barbarino, I
don't see any homework.

All right, so I didn't
do my homework.

So excuse me for living.

How about Arnold? Did
you do your homework?

Weh-heh-heh-heh-ell...

Mr. Kotter, if Vinnie
did not do his homework,

then the chances is very great

that I didn't do my
homework either.

How about you, Freddie?

Well, you see, uh,
ahem... Hi there.

Hi there. Homework.
Oh, homework.

You see, well, I
don't happen to have

my homework right here, handy.

Did you do your homework?

No.

Did anybody in this
class do their homework?

I did mine, Mr. Kotter.

Thank you, Todd.

My homework's right
here too, Mr. Kotter.

It's typed.

In triplicate.

Naturally.

Hey, yo, Mr. Kotter,

why do you need
our homework for?

They got all the answers.

Yeah.

All we got is a
lot of questions.

I don't want you to
stop asking questions.

Asking questions is how
you learn. You can't just quit.

What would happen if
George Washington quit, huh?

If Abraham Lincoln quit?

What would happen if
Murray Cornfeld quit?

I ain't never heard
of no Murray Cornfeld.

You know why you
never heard of him?

'Cause he quit.

Now, you wanna know
why Ms. Fishbeck's class

knows all the answers?

No.

Well, I'll tell you anyway.

They know all the
answers because they learn.

They study, because
school is important to them.

You could know
all the answers too.

All you have to do is study.

I gotta disagree
with that, Mr. Kotter.

I tried it. It don't work.

I once opened up a book.

And I studied it.

I mean, studied.
No fooling around.

Fifteen solid minutes.

And nothing happened.

Look, you can learn
anything you want.

But that's the key word.
You have to want to.

Now, you people know
things that they don't know.

Sure, like what?

Like what? Okay,
I'll prove it to you.

You've heard of
the college bowl?

Well, it's time to
play the Kotter bowl.

Okay, first question:

Judy, who's the all-time
leading rebounder in the NBA?

The what?

Wrong. Can you take it,
Washington, Sweathog?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The all-time
leading rebounder in the NBA

is Wilt "The Stilt" Chamberlain.

Who cares? I hate baseball.

Next question.

You have a date
with a girl at 8:30.

You have a date with
another girl at 9:00.

One is a blonde.
One is a brunette.

Now, how can you keep both dates

without letting either
know about the other?

Can you take that,
Todd? Fishbecks.

Well, who would wanna
go out with two girls

in the same night anyway?

Barbarino. Sweathogs.

Simple.

All right, you got
the blonde, right?

You tell her to meet you

at Coney Island on
the boardwalk, right?

Then you tell the brunette
to meet you at Coney Island

under the boardwalk, right?

And then you spend the
whole night going up and down.

Up and down, up and
down, up and down.

Correct.

Excuse me, Mr. Kotter,

but don't I know nothing?

Or am I the proverbial
village schmendrick?

Next question is
a 25-point tossup.

First one to answer it.

Okay.

Who were the stars of the
musical movie, Footlight Parade?

Oh! Oh, aw!

Oh, me. Oh, please, me, oh!

Horshack. Sweathogs.

James Cagney, Dick
Powell, Joan Blondell

and the ever-popular
Ruby Keeler.

♪ By a waterfall I'm
calling you-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

And who can forget Cagney?

I've searched here,
and I've searched there.

♪ I'm searching for
My Shanghai Lil ♪

♪ He's searching
for his Shanghai Lil ♪

♪ Boys, make way
For Shanghai Lil ♪

Well, Mr. Woodman, at least
you and I are back on our feet.

You know, Kotter,

I was pretty sick last week.

And as I lay in my bed, I,
uh, had a lot of time to think...

about my life, and,
uh, mistakes I made.

And Kotter,

there's something
I wanna tell you.

Yes, Mr. Woodman?

I still don't like you.

You dirty rat. You...

Awfully glad you could
make it, Mr. Kotter.

Well, Arnold, I guess
it's just you and me, huh?

Oh, yes, isn't it grand?

Well, since I am a teacher
and you are a student,

there is no reason
to waste the day.

I don't think we should
start anything new

with everybody absent.

Let's just review
some of the old stuff.

So, sure. Go ahead, go ahead.

Okay, on the Lewis
and Clark expedition,

who was the Indian guide?

Oh! Oh, oh! Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, please, me. Call
on me. Oh, oh, oh!

Call me, oh!

Julie, did I ever tell you
about my Uncle Morris?

No. Why don't you?

All right, I
certainly will. Okay.

Uncle Morris was in
this country for five years

and wanted to be a citizen
more than anything in the world.

So he went to the judge
to take his citizenship test.

He said, "Judge, I know
everything about this country.

"I know from George
Washington, Abraham Lincoln,

"the Declaration
of Independence.

"I know the Emancipation
Proclamation,

"but I don't think you're
gonna let me be a citizen,

because I don't
speak good English."

Well, what did the judge
say? The judge said:

"Don't you worry.
You'll pass the test.

You'll be all right. What
are you worrying about?"

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪

♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪

♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Cause we got him On the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ Cause we got him On the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪