Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 1, Episode 16 - Follow the Leader: Part 1 - full transcript

Did I ever tell you about

my Uncle Sylvester,
who was a real nut?

No, what did he do?

He went into a psychiatrist's
office and he said:

"Doc, you gotta help
me. I think I'm a dog!"

The doctor said, "How long
have you had this feeling?"

He says, "Ever since
I've been a puppy."

Welcome Back,
Kotter is recorded live

before a studio audience.

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪



♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪

♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪

♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪



♪ Welcome back ♪

Julie.

Julie, honey, go
answer the door.

Go ahead. Go ahead, baby.

I'm coming. I'm coming.

♪ Good morning to you
Good morning to you ♪

♪ Good morning
Mrs. and Mr. Kotter ♪

♪ Good morning to you ♪

♪ And many more ♪

Wait a minute, Arnold.

Gabe, it's Arnold
Horshack again.

He's here for breakfast.

This is the third
time this week.

Well... I look at it
this way, honey.

Seeing Arnold
Horshack at breakfast

lessens the shock of
seeing him in school.

Gabe, this is ridiculous.

These kids are in and out of
this apartment day and night.

It never bothered you before.
Why the sudden change of heart?

Because we don't have
any private life anymore.

I really think that we
should talk about it.

Okay.

I'm all ears.

Here's an ear, and
here's another ear.

This ear is yours.

Which is how the phrase
"lend an ear" got started.

Gabe, be serious.

Wherever we are, there's a
little Sweathog between us.

Not true, Julie.

There was no Sweathog
between us last night.

Julie, wait. Julie.

Sweathogs are my work.
My work is important to me.

Look, I thought you were happy.

I'm happy.

Of course, you're happy.

Why shouldn't you be happy?
You are leading a terrific life.

But what life am I leading?

I'm leading your life, and
I can't even lead your life

'cause your life already
has a leader: You!

So, what does that make me,
Gabe? Nothing. I am nothing.

All right, you want
to be nothing?

Be a quiet nothing, okay?

Arnold Horshack is my student,

and he can have breakfast
in my house if I want him to.

Come on in out of the
cold, Arnold. Come on.

Arnold, are you okay?

What's the matter
with your face?

I think my face is frozen.

I can't feel my face.

Mr. Kotter, I
can't feel my face!

Arnold, I got bad news for you.

It's still there.

All right, Arnold.

I want you to
enjoy this breakfast.

I think it's gonna
be your last one.

Breakfast?

Hey, I didn't come
here for breakfast.

Ha-ha. I just come
by on my way to school

to say: hello.

So: hello.

But breakfast, no. I
couldn't eat a thing.

Well, I mean, I
could. But no, no, no.

Get it out of your mind.
I couldn't eat a thing.

No, no, no.

So ain't you gonna insist?

I want you to listen
closely, Arnold.

Because I am never,

ever going to say this again.

Arnold, what would
you like for breakfast?

Oh, Mrs. Kotter, I
am not a picky eater.

I'll just have two eggs,
two all beef patties,

special sauce, lettuce,
cheese, pickles, onions

on a sesame seed bun.

As for mine, you can:

♪ Hold the pickles
Hold the lettuce ♪

♪ That's important
Don't upset her ♪

♪ All you have to do
Is let her make it... ♪

Okay, now today I wanna
talk about something

that's not in our
lesson plan: leadership.

Now, how do we pick our leaders?

Oh.

In this great land of ours,

we pick our leaders through
the democratic process.

They are elected.

President Ford wasn't elected.

Oh, yeah?

Well, that's a
special case, see.

He was the only one in
Washington at the time

who wasn't under arrest.

All right, all right.

Now, we have a
leader in this class:

Vinnie Barbarino.

Then of course, there
is the loyal opposition,

Vinnie Barbarino.

I like that guy.

You're the leader of
the Sweathogs, right?

Am I the leader
of the Sweathogs?

Is a bear Catholic?

Does the pope live in the woods?

Who made you leader?

Yeah, if it was democratic,
you would vote on it.

- Now, that's a good idea.
- That's a great idea.

Bad idea. Bad.

Hey, Vinnie, why not?

You're a shoo-in.

Nobody challenges
Vinnie Barbarino.

Why not?

Hey, Mr. Kotter,
we're here to learn.

Now, come on. Everybody open
up these books and let's study.

All right, let's just see.

Is there anybody here who'd
like to challenge King Barbarino?

Hi, there.

Yeah.

I'll take a shot at it.

All right. We're
ready for the runoff.

What's a runoff?

A runoff? That's when you say:

"Ma, I'll be back in
a couple of days."

And then you run off.

Okay, we shall do this
the democratic way.

Let's see a show of hands.

One of these days!

Okay, all those who support

the candidacy of our present
leader, Mr. Vinnie Barbarino,

raise your hand.

Okay.

All those who would like
to install as new leader

Mr. Fredrick "Boom Boom" of
Washington, raise your hands.

All right, that's
five fo... It's a tie.

Somebody did not vo... Epstein!

It's up to you, man.

Who's the new leader
of the Sweathogs?

Washington. All right!

Hey, Juan. What are you doing?
I thought you was my friend.

You can't do that.

Ah, hey, Vinnie, you've
been leader a long time.

It's time we got some new blood.

Hey, baby.

Allow me to introduce myself:

Fredrick "Boom Boom"...
thhht, New Blood.

Mr. Kotter, what
are you gonna do?

You gonna just stand
there? Say something.

Vinnie, I'm happy for
Freddie. I'm sorry for you.

What can I say?

Say I'm leader again.

I can't do that.

Well, never mind,
then. I'll say it.

Hey, everybody.
Everybody, look over here.

What say, after school we go
down to Coney Island, right?

They got this great new ride.

This little guy with no neck,

he throws you around until
you can't stand it no more.

What do you say?

So, what do you wanna
do today, Freddie?

I think we should all go
down to Times Square

and watch the pigeons drop
their regards on Broadway.

Yeah!

Right you are,
Freddie! All right!

Ah!

Hey, what are you guys saying?

You see, Vincent,

it's rather like
that old saying:

"The king, he dead."

♪ Long live the king ♪

All right. All right.

Hey, I'm Vinnie Barbarino!

Vinnie who?

Hey, come on. Vinnie, come on.

We're jiving. We're
jiving. We're joking.

It's a joke. It's a joke. Hey!

You're just jokin'.

I don't believe it.

You guys were
just foolin' around!

Yeah! Yeah!

You were just joking. Yeah!

Then, I'm still leader.

No.

You punks.

Vinnie, where are you going?

I ain't staying here.

You try, go on. Try and
do without me, all right?

I'm dropping out of
school. Take it easy.

Hey, up all your noses
with rubber hoses!

I'm quittin' school!
Vinnie... Vinnie, you're not...

Vinnie, come back here. Vinnie!

Julie.

Good morning, stranger.

Julie, what are you doing here?

Well, thank you, ma'am.

I see you brought old
Tex some vittles, huh?

What do you say later
we go out behind the barn?

That'd be nice, considering
that when old Tex

left home this morning, he
didn't even bother to wake me up

to kiss me goodbye.

Oh, I'm sorry. I plumb forgot.

I didn't even kiss
my horse goodbye.

Honey, I've been
worried about Barbarino.

Gabe, can't we ever talk
about anything but your job?

Julie, Barbarino's quit school.
I don't think you understand.

I understand.

All right, what do
you wanna talk about?

Art? Politics?

Donny Osmond's love life?

Hey, shalom, amigo.

We gotta talk about
some business, you know?

Mr. Kotter,

as new leader, I
worked out a list of ways

to improve the image
of the Sweathogs.

First, we start a rumor
that we're all smart.

Yeah. Ha, ha, ha.

Second...

All right, secondly,
I'm very busy right now.

Ah, come on, you
don't look busy.

Yeah, well, I am
busy. I'm very busy.

Mr. Kotter, look, if
you want us to skip out,

you just say the word.

Skip out.

They're not students.
They're inmates.

And you are the head cuckoo.

Isn't there anybody in this
entire place that's sane?

Look at this Kotter, look.

Palm trees in the men's room.

It seems that Freddie Washington

wants to give it
that beach look.

What have you been
teaching your people, Kotter?

Leadership.

Leadership?

I used to teach leadership,
Kotter, and it's not palm trees.

Leadership is knowing
that behind every door,

there's somebody
waiting to get you.

Do you know, Julie,

that Mr. Woodman is the only man

that Will Rogers ever
punched in the mouth?

Oh, you want an
appointment, right?

We have to talk. Let me see.

How's lunch a week
from Thursday?

Julie, it was a joke.

Ha, ha, ha. Ha-ha.

Not funny, Gabe.

No? Well, how's this one.

This very old wrinkled turtle
marries a woman, you see.

And they...
Absolutely everything

is a joke to you, isn't it?

We can never just talk.

Food!

Oh, joy. Oh, rapture.

Oh, shoot.

So, what's the
matter, Mr. Kotter?

So you look distracted.

Yoo-hoo, Mr. Kotter!

Did you say something, Arnold?

I guess not.

Okay, sit down, Arnold.

Psst. Mr. Kotter.

Come here, I wanna talk to you.

It's me.

Vinnie Barbarino.

No.

Yeah, I'm wearing this disguise.

Mr. Kotter, I borrowed
it from my uncle.

You know, he's a priest.

I talked to my folks.

I told 'em I dropped
out of school.

And my father
said to my mother...

He said, "See, Margie?

I told you we shouldn't
have had him."

And then: bing, bang, bong!

They kicked me out.

Wow.

Hey, I'm really sorry, Vinnie.

Look, why don't you
come back to school,

and I'll talk to your father,

and I'm sure he'll
take you back.

Oh, no. I couldn't do that.

I couldn't face the guys
without me being leader no more.

I couldn't do it.

Vinnie, what are you gonna do?

Oh, look. It's not your problem.

I mean, I don't
feel it's your fault.

Even though most of it is.

Look, the thing is, I
need a place to stay.

Till I get relocated.

Vinnie, I can't.

I'm not running a home
for wayward priests.

I can't, I just can't.

Mr. Kotter, you was my teacher.

I can't, Vinnie.

Mr. Kotter, you was my friend.

I'm really sorry.

Mr. Kotter, you was
the last one on my list.

Hey, Mr. Kotter, are
we gonna start class yet?

You forget or what?

Hi, Vinnie.

You wasn't supposed
to recognize me.

Why not, Vinnie? I
know you're Catholic.

Uh, I should have known that.

I guess you get real stupid
once you're not leader no more.

Oh, Vinnie, Vinnie, Vinnie.

Hey, listen, it's okay.
I'll still be your friend.

It doesn't bother me that
you're not no leader no more.

Arnold, anymore.

That too.

Vinnie, I don't care that
you're a high school dropout

and that you'll never make
more than 2.50 an hour.

But Vinnie, Vinnie, Vinnie,

always remember, life is...

a cabaret...

old chum.

Come to the cabaret.

Did you see that?

Arnold Horshack.

He put me down. Arnold Horshack.

So why didn't you stick
up for yourself, Vinnie?

Why didn't you give
him one of your usual:

"Up your nose
with a rubber hose?"

I tried.

But I couldn't do it.

It was like the rubber
hose was stuck in my throat.

I couldn't say it.

All right. Vinnie, Vinnie.

Vinnie, take it easy, all right?
Look, we gotta talk about this.

You can stay with us,
but just for the night.

How 'bout a week?

Two days.

Five days.

Three days and you get lunch.

All right, you got
yourself a deal.

Oh, Mr. Kotter you're not
gonna regret it, I promise you.

All right. All right.

Oh, boy.

♪ Ba-da-ba-da-ba-da
Ba-da-ba-da ♪

Julie, my Italian
is not that great.

But I just wanted to tell
you that you were right.

We don't have
enough private life.

And I promise, baby... Mwah.

From now on, we will.

Flowers and some candy.

Thank you, honey.

We'll be able to start our
truly terrific stay-at-home,

play-at-home private life

as soon as Vinnie leaves.

Vinnie who?

Barbarino?

Tall guy? Dimple?

Vinnie Barbarino is coming here?

Look, Julie, his father
threw him outta the house.

I mean, he came to me.
What was I gonna do?

Julie, he's only gonna
stay a couple of days.

Oh, Julie, you're overreacting.

Come on, we won't
even notice that he's here.

Julie, don't leave.

Okay, all right.

You leave.

I live here.

Not anymore.

That was my favorite jacket.

Julie, I am not gonna rant or
rave or carry on like maniac.

I am going to remain calm.

I'm not gonna say that, Julie.

I'm just gonna try and
make you understand:

Vinnie has quit school and
it's partially my fault, okay?

And I cannot turn
my back on him.

Just how much are you
supposed to do for those kids?

You're their
brother, their father,

their friend, their teacher.

You're Arnold Horshack's mother!

You're a yutz!

Stop yelling!

Don't tell me to stop
yelling! I'll yell if I want to!

I'll tell the whole
neighborhood. Watch this!

Hey, everybody! Listen to this:

I married a yutz from Nebraska!

And I married a Jewish prince

who still sends his
laundry to his mother!

Well, I happen to like the
way she does my shirts!

You can not joke away
this problem, Gabe.

I thought I was married
to somebody named Gabe.

You have become Mr. Kotter.

Julie.

Here I am.

Check this out.

Look at this.

Are you ready? Are you ready?

Some kid downstairs,
he sold it to me for a buck.

This beautiful jacket.

Barbarino, go away.

Go find yourself a woman!

Julie!

Julie, calm down, all right?

No yelling!

Oh, look, go on, yell.

Makes me feel
right at home, really.

Okay, Gabe, make a choice.

Who stays:

Me... or him?

It's you, baby.

Always you.

Can't we let Vinnie stay
for a couple of days?

Oh, Mr. Kotter, look.

Maybe I should
make myself scarce

while you two
lovebirds have this out.

Oh, but a word of advice:

I have found that in
stormy times like this,

it helps if you tell
her she was the first.

Julie! Julie, come outta there!

Come on!

Julie, you were the first.

Julie, I love you.

What are you doing?
You're going crazy.

Come on, unpack that.
Lets go. Come on. All right.

All right, you don't
want Vinnie to stay here,

I'll give him money,
he'll go to a hotel.

Okay, come on.

All right, Julie, now
you got me angry.

Everyone has a breaking
point, and I reached it!

You unpack that bag right
now, 'cause I wanna talk to you!

Did I ever tell you
about my Aunt Hiawatha?

I don't want to hear
your joke, Gabe.

I'm going to a hotel.
I'll pick up my things

while you're in school,

which is all the time.

No, see, this has
to do with moving.

They moved, and she went
to see the new neighbors,

and she came back, and
she told my Uncle Herb.

"Herb, that guy makes
love to his wife all day long.

Why don't you do that?"

Goodbye, Mr. Kotter.

Julie. Jul...

"Makes love to his
wife all day long.

Why don't you do that?"

Well, what did he say, Gabe?

He said, "I can't.

I hardly know that woman."

Here are some scenes
from part two of our story

which will continue on the
next Welcome Back, Kotter.

Move it. Let's go!

Hi, Julie.

What's new?

You went to see a lawyer?

My cousin Bernie, the lawyer?

Yee-haw!

You know, Freddie,

I feel you are becoming
a real shmendrick.

I miss Barbarino.

You people have caused
friction between me and my wife.

From now on, there will be
no jokes and no impressions.

I will teach. You will learn.

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪

♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪

♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪