Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 1, Episode 11 - Barbarino's Girl - full transcript

A lady buys a monkey.

What kind of monkey?

A regular monkey, you know:

Now, her husband
hates the monkey

because the monkey is
always mimicking the husband.

Okay, husband's
eating breakfast, right?

Uh-huh. Monkey goes:

He's taking a shower,

the monkey comes in
the bathroom and goes:

Driving the guy crazy.

So, what does he do?



He's in the bathroom
brushing his teeth one day,

gets an idea.

Brushing his teeth,
monkey comes in,

and monkey goes:

So he gives the monkey a razor,

he takes a razor
without a blade.

Puts lather on his face, right?

Starts shaving and
goes: "Da-dum."

The monkey goes, "Da-dum."

He goes, "Da-dum." The
monkey goes, "Da-dum."

He goes, "Da-dum!" The
monkey goes, "Da-dum."

Welcome Back, Kotter

has been recorded live on
tape before a studio audience.

♪ Welcome back ♪



♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪

♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪

♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

Good morning.

Well, as you're probably
aware, today is the day

when you receive your
mid-year report cards.

For my favorite teacher.

Yuck.

It's half-eaten.

What'd you do? Get
hungry on the way to school?

No, um, I found it that way.

Hey, I'm only kidding, man.

Hey, but remember, it's
the thought that counts.

Okay, now before I hand
these out, I want to explain

that it's still not too late for
you to improve your grade.

So remember... Mr. Kotter,

I got a very important
note from home here.

Well, a surprise.

Epstein has a very
important note from home.

Right, it's from my
mother's doctor.

It's from his mother's doctor.

"Dear Mr. Kotter,

"Epstein's mother
has been very ill

"with a heart condition.

"And furthermore, the
slightest shock to her...

"Like for instance,
her son, Juan,

"getting any bad grades.

Well, that could put
her right over the edge."

"So," it continues,

"please give Juan a
good grade in English."

What? "A good grade in English."

Oh, that's impossible,
this isn't English class.

Try that one
there. That's, uh...

"Biology." Biology?

Biology.

Uh... BOTH: "Social studies."

Right, and it's signed,

"Very truly yours,
Epstein's mother's doctor."

Signed right there.

Sit down, Epstein.

Sit down.

Anybody else have any excuses?

Anybody want to
make any appeals?

Anybody expecting a
phone call from the governor?

Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh!

Arnold.

Not I, Mr. Kotter.

I got dignity.

I would never beg for a grade.

Very good, Arnold.
Now remember...

Oh, please, don't fail me!

I'll do anything you want.

I'll wash your car for
the next seven years.

I'll trim your mustache.

But please don't fail me.

Arnold, you are
drooling on my pants,

and they're not drip-dry.

Sit down, Arnold.

Well!

Okay, now, if any of
you would like to talk

to me about your grade

or possibly how to improve it,

any of you would like to know
how to make an F into a B,

you can see me
right after homeroom.

Thanks, Mr. Kotter,
you just killed my mother.

Arnold!

Huh?

What is so funny
about your report card?

Nothing, Mr. Kotter.

It's just that I thought that
my report card was bad...

until I got a look at Vinnie's.

Mr. Kotter,

how can I take this
report card home

and show it to my mother?

That woman's a saint.

I remember, your
mother, the saint.

You're gonna be upset, huh?

You probably got no idea

what it feels like to
get hit with beads.

Vinnie, do you think
that I enjoy failing you?

Yeah, that's how you
teachers get your jollies.

Well, I don't.

But I'm not gonna pass
you unless you earn it.

Look, it wouldn't
be fair to you.

Suppose all your teachers
just passed you along

and you didn't learn anything.

What do you think
you'd wind up being?

A high school graduate.

Okay, you tell me, what
grade should I give you?

Yeah? Yeah, you tell me.

Oh...

Yeah?

I want you to give me an A.

You want an A, huh?

Okay, you ready? Here it comes.

Aaaay!

That's not the kind
of A I got in mind.

Well, it's the only kind
of A you're gonna get.

Vinnie, you
shouldn't be failing.

You're a kid with brains.

Look, man, if you
don't get it together,

you're gonna get left back.

Now, how would
your mother like that?

Oh, no, she wouldn't like that.

Vinnie, I want to help you.

I just don't know what to do.

Hey, how 'bout if
I got you a tutor?

Somebody to work
with you after school?

Hey, believe me. It's
not gonna be that bad.

All right.

But is there any way we
could do this without books?

Hi, Mr. Kotter.

Hiya, Judy. Let me
have your books.

Thanks. I think it's terrific

that you offered to
tutor Vinnie after school.

It's okay, Mr. Kotter.

A lot of kids

in the academically-enriched
class do it.

You know, it
seems to work better

when kids help kids.

So listen, princess,

thanks for walking me to class.

I'll meet you later
at the usual place,

behind the billboards
on 84th Street.

So... you're gonna be
my tutor, huh, Judy?

Well, start tootin'.

I wanna get out of
here, have a good time.

Let's get one thing
straight, Barbarino.

I'm not doing this
'cause I like you.

Well, I see you two are
getting along just fine.

And I have some papers to grade,

so I'm gonna leave you alone.

Have fun.

Hey, Vinnie, where you going?

He said, "Have fun."

I'm going to meet princess

behind the billboard
on 84th street.

No, no, no.

You're gonna get tutored.

I'm gonna go meet princess

behind the billboards
on 84th street.

All right, since this
is your first session,

I think I should
stay for a while.

All right, now, open up
your social studies book

to Page 27.

What?

Your social studies book.

Where?

Right in front of you.

Hey, don't rush me.

This ain't easy
for me, you know?

I never opened a book before.

All right, Vinnie, now, look.

Are you gonna cooperate or what?

It's okay, Mr. Kotter.

I can handle it.

Listen, clown,

either you open up that book
or I'm going to make you eat it.

And the pages you don't eat,
I'm going to stick in your rear.

Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho!

I don't think she knows
who she's dealin' with.

I'm the best ranker at Buchanan.

You think you're so smart.

You act as if you
were first on line

when they handed out brains.

Yeah, I was.

But you had to hold the
door for everybody else.

She's asking for it, Kotter.

You know, Vinnie, you're so low,

you could crawl
under a pregnant ant.

Crawl under an ant.

That's a good one, Vinnie.

Oh, yeah?

Well, listen, Blimpo.

You better watch yourself

or I'll let the air
out of your dress.

Hey, I heard the last time
you went to Coney Island

you was wearin' a
white bathing suit.

And everybody was saying,
"Hey, there goes Moby Dick."

That was a good one, Judy.

Okay, that's enough.

Hey, Vinnie, I heard your
father just got a new job.

Riding shotgun
on a garbage truck.

Oh, yeah?

I bet your family
can... My family eats...

All right, all right. That's
enough. That's enough!

Sit down.

This is a tutoring session,
not a ranking session.

What's wrong with this?

Yeah, what's the matter?

What's the matter is there's a
time and place for everything.

Now, you shouldn't do
things like that in school.

It's not right.

I mean, suppose I came in
and started doing it to you?

I mean, suppose I said, uh...

"Hey, Judy, I understand

"there's three
kids in your family.

One of each."

And, Barbarino,

I understand when you was born
they took one look at your face

and then they turned
you over and said,

"Hey, look, twins."

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪

So, look, after
homeroom I'll meet you

and then I'll walk you
to next class, okay?

Sure.

Okay, see you later.

Bye.

You and Judy Borden...

You and Judy Borden...

Me and Judy Borden what?

You and Judy Borden... anything!

All right, cut it!

She was just helping
me with my grades.

Oh, come on!

Is that all she's
helpin' you with, huh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Then why you've been
walkin' her to class?

Or should I say, rollin' her.

Hey, come on!

Let's go.

Sit down.

I want you to take
out your report cards,

which should have been
signed by your parents.

I am coming around
to collect them.

Thank... Vinnie, this
report card's soggy.

My mother cried on it.

Thank you.

Why isn't this signed? Huh?

I mean, your mother
didn't finish signing it.

All she signed was Mrs. E.

Well, that's as far as she got
before losing consciousness.

Well, try reviving her

and having her finish
signing it by tomorrow.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Thank you, Arnold.

You're welcome.

Report card.

Hi there.

Hi there, buddy. Hey, baby.

Where's your report card?

My report... Well, you see,

I don't happen to have
it right here, handy.

Oh...

let me ask a question,
then, where is it?

Oh, well, uh, my
mama's got it, you dig?

Yeah.

I dig it. Didn't she sign it?

No.

She just took it
in her left hand

and then she hit me upside
my head with her right.

See, man, and then
she threw a chair at me.

And then she tried to cave
my back in with a TV set.

All right, all right.
Have your father sign it.

You crazy?

He's the one with
the bad temper.

I want that report
card tomorrow, Freddie.

All right. You know,

you people act like
you're the only ones

that ever had to take
a bad report card home

and show it to your parents.

I want to tell you something,

I had a lot of bad
ones in my day.

Yeah, what did your daddy do?

My dad used to sit
me down and say,

"So, listen, you got a
bad report card, big deal.

"No one's gonna holler,
we're not gonna scream.

"No one's gonna hit you.

"Just go back to school

"and you try to do
the best you can.

"And next time if
you should pass, well,

then we'll untie you
and let you eat again."

Tomorrow, Freddie.
Epstein, tomorrow.

Mañana. Mañana. Mañana.

Grand seeing you
again, Mr. Kotter.

Hi, Mr. Kotter.

Hiya, Judy.

Hi. Hi.

Let's go.

Hold on a second, Judy.

I got something
that I want to tell you.

Oh... What?

Look...

I can't walk you
to class no more.

Why not?

Well, you see...

I got a certain image
to uphold, right?

And, like, if I was always

walking you to
class all the time,

well, like, my friends,

like, they might get the
wrong idea or something.

What wrong idea, Vinnie?

Oh, you know, like, we was
going together or something.

Oh, and you wouldn't
want your friends

to think that someone like
you could ever possibly go

with someone like me.

Right! Right.

Oh, I'm so glad

you're being so
reasonable about this.

Oh, but, look, like,

you can still keep
tutoring me, that'd be good.

Oh, thanks! Thanks a lot.

And you can go over
to the Texaco station

and go sit on an air hose.

What's wrong with her?

She made the same mistake I did,

to try to help you.

She thought there was
somebody worth helping

inside that dopey
leather jacket.

Look, I liked Judy.

Oh, sure, you liked her.

Until you decided
she wasn't cute enough

to hang around
with Steve Stunning.

Vinnie, this whole thing started

because I don't want
you to fail social studies.

I'll tell ya,

you're failing something
a lot more important.

You're failing life.

So take Judy's advice.

Go sit on an air hose.

Now you made me feel bad.

Hi, Judy.

Mind if I sit down?

Oh, get lost, pea brain.

Thanks. Don't mind if I do.

Are you sure you can risk

being seen here with me?

Aw, look, Judy,

what I said in the
classroom before,

it didn't come
out like I meant it.

I mean, I like
you, and I really...

Oh, why don't you go
over to the Brooklyn Bridge,

take a sharp left

and don't stop walking
till your hat floats.

Listen...

you're not making
this any easier.

I'm trying to apologize.

For what? Being a reject?

Oh, that's not your fault.

You were probably born that way.

Oh, you got a mouth on you.

Give me a break.

Look, what I wanted...

Look, Jud... Look, Judy,

what I'm trying to say...

is would you want to go
out someplace with me?

In public?

Let me get this straight.

Are you asking me to
go out with you, Vinnie?

Yeah.

Would you go out with me?

Probably not.

Oh, no, no.

You can't do that.

I'm Vinnie Barbarino.

Oh, yeah?

Well, drop dead, pizza head.

Great, uh, things didn't
go exactly as planned,

huh, pizza head?

I don't believe it.

She turned me down.

Girls don't turn down
Vinnie Barbarino.

Especially ones who
ain't as cute as me.

All right, she's as cute as me.

But just barely.

Look, Vinnie,

now you know how
Judy felt, rejected.

Doesn't feel so hot, does it?

Hey, if you really want
her to go out with you,

you'll keep trying.

What do you know?

What do I know?

Hey, when I went to school
here there was this girl,

Dolores Delvecchio.

I asked her to go
out with me 15 times.

Fourteen times
she turned me down.

Well, then, she
finally go out with you?

No.

Fifteenth time her brother
Vito came up to me and said,

"Hey, Kotter, if you continue
to annoy my sister Dolores,

"I will have to
rearrange your nose

so that it permanently
points towards Philadelphia."

God bless 3:00.

Woo-hoo!

Yay!

Hey, Freddie. Here.

Hey, I cannot wait
to get to Coney Island

this afternoon.

They got a great new
attraction, half-man, half-alligator.

He's his own wallet.

Hey, let's go.

Hey, let's go.

Hey, let's go.

Hey, what's happening?

We're goin' to Coney Island.

Terrific, we'll come along.

Hey, is she going as your date

or, heh, one of the rides?

Washington, why don't
you fold it in three corners

and stick it right...
Judy, take it easy.

She's goin' as my date.

Anything wrong with that?

It's cool.

You and her?

Her and you?

Horshack.

Very attractive
couple you two make.

Nice to see you again, Arnold.

Come on, let's go
have a good time.

All right.

Okay, see you guys tomorrow.

Vinnie, can I see you a second?

Come on, man.

I'm really proud of you.

You learned something a lot
more important than social studies.

Yeah, I know.

Hey, want to come along?

No.

I'm gonna go home
and tell my wife a joke.

♪ Welcome back ♪

Hey, did I ever tell
you about my cousin,

gorgeous Jerry Kotter? No.

Last week he's in a barber shop

getting a shave,
shoeshine, manicure.

Likes to look nice,
right? Mm-hm.

So this guy's shaving him,
and he looks at the manicurist.

She's really nice.

So he says, "Hey, I'm
gorgeous Jerry Kotter.

Would you like to come
out with me tonight?"

She says,

"I think I would, but I
can't, I have a boyfriend."

Well, he says, "Why
don't you tell your boyfriend

you're going out
with the girls?"

She says, "Why
don't you tell him?

He's shaving you."

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪

♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪

♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪