Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 1, Episode 10 - The Reunion - full transcript
Mr. Kotter dreads an old successful classmate coming to dinner.
Did I tell you my aunt
took driving lessons?
No. But I have a feeling
I'm gonna hear all about it.
Yes, 'cause I know that you
really want to, deep inside.
She's taking driving lessons,
the instructor is
sitting on her side.
First of all, she puts her
hand out the window like this:
Then she goes like this:
And then she goes like this:
Well, why did she do that?
That's just what
the instructor said.
"Lucille, why did you do that?"
She said, "Well, first I
was gonna make a left turn.
"Then I decided
to make a right turn.
"Then I decided
not to make any turn,
so I erased the whole thing."
Welcome Back, Kotter has
been recorded live on tape
before a studio audience.
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪
♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪
♪ Since you hung around ♪
♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪
♪ And they've turned around ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪
♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
Okay. Yeah...
I'll tell him as soon
as he comes out.
Uh-huh. Yeah...
Six will be fine.
I am looking forward to meeting
you and Mary Frances too.
Okay. Yeah, I'll see
you later. Bye-bye.
Honey, you will never
guess who just called.
I'm sorry, I don't have
time. I'm late, Julie.
Come on. Guess
who's coming to dinner.
Okay. What are you cooking?
My world famous tuna casserole.
It's nobody that we
ever want to see again.
That's very cute.
I'll give you a hint.
"I can't wait to see old
Gabby Gabe again."
Say that again.
"I can't wait to see old
Gabby Gabe again."
Come on.
Lyle Flannigan is coming
here? You guessed.
Boy, did he sound nice.
Of course he sounded nice.
Lyle Flannigan was the nicest
boy who ever went to Buchanan.
He's so nice he would help
old ladies cross their legs.
Gabe. You should be happy.
You haven't seen Lyle
Flannigan in 10 years.
Julie, did it ever occur to you
that if you haven't seen
someone for 10 years,
chances are it's because
you don't want to?
Now, I find out that when
I'm in the bathroom shaving,
my wife... that's you
invites a Lyle
Flannigan to dinner.
You're mad at me.
Julie, I'm not mad at you.
I just don't wanna have Lyle
Flannigan over for dinner.
Well, what's wrong
with Lyle Flannigan?
You wanna know what's
wrong with Lyle Flannigan?
I'll tell you what's wrong
with Lyle Flannigan.
There's nothing wrong
with Lyle Flannigan.
That's what's wrong
with Lyle Flannigan.
Lyle Flannigan is perfect.
Did you ever know a kid who went
through school without a pimple,
a blemish?
I would've even
settled for a wart.
We were on the
basketball team together.
Lyle Flannigan used to
score 30 points a game,
and he would never sweat.
I was second-string. I used
to sit on the bench and sweat.
The only person that was
as bad as Lyle Flannigan
was that Miss
Personality cheerleader
he used to go out with. Uh...
If her name is Mary Frances,
it's gonna be old-home
week around here tonight.
That figures.
I knew that those two
were gonna get married.
They look so nice, they probably
stood on their own wedding cake.
Well, maybe they're
not so nice anymore.
Julie, Lyle Flannigan
is not a bad guy.
He's not mean, he's not hostile.
Throughout school, he
always acted superior.
And you want to know something?
What?
He was.
Well, what are you gonna do?
While I'm at school today,
working with my students,
move.
All right, Arnold, get out here.
Pretty clever, eh, Mr. Kotter?
I thought this up all
by myself this morning.
Not today, all right, Arnold?
Someday, we'll discuss the
history of the whoopee cushion
and the dribble
glass, but... not today.
All right, Sweathogs.
Another day, another dollar.
Let's get right to work.
Book reports.
Mr. Kotter.
What does that mean,
"Another day, another dollar"?
Well, Vinnie, in the
case of teachers,
it comes very close to
being a financial statement.
Book reports.
Hey, Mr. Kotter.
Mr. Epstein.
Couldn't you get
rich being a teacher?
Epstein, I have enough money
to last me for
the rest of my life.
Uh-huh.
Unless I wanna buy something.
Why? Huh?
Oh, well, you know, I was
thinking about being a teacher.
But, like, if there's
not enough bucks in it,
why be a sap, huh?
No, I think I'm gonna
be a street sweeper.
It says here, you know, uh,
you can make 18,000
bucks a year. Where?
Right here. 18,000
bucks... All right, look.
Don't bring papers into class.
That's in San Francisco.
That's where they have
all those earthquakes.
They should get
paid that much money.
They got to sweep
buildings up off the street.
All right, quit the
stalling. Book reports.
One last question.
Okay, Freddie. But make
it simple and make it quick.
Mr. Kotter.
What is... the meaning of life?
Ah, Sweathopper.
You ask the meaning of life.
You must go to
Epstein's gym locker.
Open it up.
Take one deep breath.
If you will survive that,
you will survive anything.
All right, let's
go. Book reports.
I got one, master.
"Book report.
"The Arabian Nights.
"Adventure. 1942.
Black and white.
"Two brothers, Jon
Hall and Leif Erickson,
"fight over a throne.
"Maria Montez, Sabu, Turhan Bey.
Ninety minutes. Repeat."
How was the movie?
Oh, it was wonderful.
Uh, Sabu and the elephant
lived happily ever after.
Mr. Kotter, I got
my book report.
Oh, another surprise.
"Trailer Park Cutie...
"by Miss M.
"An original nightstand classic.
"Monica knew that
one man was too much.
Yet 10 were not enough."
Whoo!
That's enough, Vinnie.
"She awoke in the
morning glistening..."
All right.
"Her desire..."
I don't care about
her glistening.
Next time, you
bring a book report in
in a plain brown wrapper.
That's enough.
Enough.
You know, sometimes I wonder
why I bother with you people at all.
Don't you like
teaching us, Mr. Kotter?
I love teaching, Arnold.
Teaching is my
chosen profession.
But there are days like today
when all I am is a straight
man for Sweathogs.
I might as well have become
a door-to-door salesman.
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
Ooh! Ooh!
Did you want to, uh,
say something, Arnold?
My Uncle Murray was a
door-to-door salesman.
It finally drove him crazy.
Okay, Arnold.
How come it drove him crazy?
He sold doors.
Every day he would go to
a house and knock on one.
But he knew he wasn't
gonna make a sale.
Hey, Mr. Kotter.
What's bugging you?
What's bugging you? Wanna know?
Okay, I'm gonna tell
you what's bugging me.
I have a bad case
of Lyle Flannigan.
Uh, when did you first notice
that something was
wrong with your Flannigan?
Lyle Flannigan is
person, Freddie.
We went to school here together.
Well, come on, Mr. Kotter.
Why don't you tell us about him?
Nothing to tell.
We went to school.
We were on the basketball team.
Now I heard he's
making a million dollars.
He's in a big office
building with 18 secretaries,
and I'm back here
where I started.
Don't you find teaching
a rewarding experience,
Mr. Kotter?
Aren't you happy with us?
Yeah, you know, you didn't
have to be a teacher, Mr. Kotter.
Mr. Kotter, you could've made
yourself a whole lot of money.
That's right,
Freddie, I could have.
I mean, I had plenty
of opportunities.
Heather Weintraub's
father wanted me
to go into the "funeral biz,"
as Heather used to call it.
Hey, well, why didn't you do it?
Because Heather looked like
she modeled for the caskets.
You know, Mr. Kotter...
I get the distinctive impression
that you are not happy.
Why shouldn't I
be happy, Arnold?
So far, it's been
a terrific day.
First of all, I wake up late.
Second of all, my wife cooks
me orange juice for breakfast.
Then she invites somebody
I haven't seen in 10 years,
who I don't want to
see, to dinner tonight.
Then I come to school,
and Arnold Horshack has me
chasing a wallet down the hall.
Then after that, nobody's
done their book report.
Epstein was up till
2:00 in the morning with,
"Sabu, Maria Montez, repeat."
Barbarino did a book report too.
"Trailer Park Cutie by Miss M.
Monica knew that 10
men were not enough...
but a hundred was too many.
And Freddie wants
to know why Mr. Kotter
ain't making, uh,
$18,000 a year,
like some street
sweeper in San Francisco.
Now, I got seven more
classes I got to go through today.
Then I gotta go home
and have tuna casserole...
Bleh!
With Captain
No-Pimple and his wife,
Sister Mary Pompom.
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams Were your... ♪
Gabe.
I'm not here.
Aren't you gonna change?
They'll be here any minute.
Hey, look, I got a great idea.
They're here.
This is my idea. Make
a very thin sandwich
and slide it under the door.
You can't do that.
Can we?
No.
That wouldn't be nice.
And we gotta be nice. Lyle
and Mary Frances are coming,
so we're gonna be nice,
nice, nice, nice, nice.
♪ I'm a nice guy ♪
Gabe Kotter?
Mary Frances.
I didn't recognize you
without your pompoms.
Chh.
Mary Frances, I'd love
you to meet my wife.
This is Julie. Mary Frances.
So nice to meet you.
Gabe has told me so
much about you and Lyle.
Lyle is still parking his car.
He is so fussy
about that car of his.
I'd hate to tell you
how much it cost.
Well, was there
a lot of traffic?
Fourteen thousand,
five hundred dollars.
That's a lot of traffic.
Let me take your
coat, Mary Frances.
Thank you.
"Closet."
Isn't that cute?
Hello. Oh.
I'm Lyle. And you must be Julie.
You're just as pretty as
you sounded on the phone.
What a nice thing to say.
Thank you.
That's my Lyle.
Gabe, you old son of a gun.
How you doing, Lyle?
Well, Gabe, I don't mind telling
you that I'm making a bundle.
A bundle. Heh-heh.
You hear that, Julie? Old Lyle
here's in the bundle business.
Let me make you a drink. Great.
Ly-Ly, isn't it sweet
that Gabe still lives in
the old neighborhood?
Oh, I remember what
this neighborhood is like.
That's why I'm glad I found
a spot in front of the building.
Gabe, that car of mine
eats gas like a bus.
And I'd hate to tell
you what I paid for it.
Fourteen thousand, five hundred.
You got one too?
No.
The city takes care of my bus.
They lock it up at night so
they can paint over the graffiti.
Heh.
It's a joke.
He means the "bus"
bus, Mary Frances.
Mary Frances?
Heh-heh.
Oh, Gabe was always
funny, remember?
I mean, Gabe always
had something to say.
That's why we called
him Gabby Gabe.
Didn't we, Gabby Gabe?
I have nothing to say.
Dinner will be ready
in a few minutes.
Julie, do you know
what I would love?
No.
A tour of the
house. Do you mind?
Whose house?
Oh. Our house.
This is it.
Mary Frances, I
would be delighted
to take you on a
tour of the house.
Oh, thank you.
Let us start over here
in our spacious dinning room.
This is where
visiting heads of state
have been known not to show up.
Two steps to the right,
and we're in our kitchen,
which... as you see, is
decorated in early Munchkin.
Now over here, this
is our spacious foyer.
Try to keep up with
the tour, Mary Frances.
That's my den out there,
which is decorated
in early Fire Escape.
Now, the third
one to the right...
You see the one over there with
racing stripes and the chrome?
That's our garbage can.
Which brings us
back to our bedroom,
which your husband
Lyle is sitting on.
Why, it's the most quaint
and charming little apartment
I've ever seen, isn't it, Ly-Ly?
I can't imagine what we're
doing with five bedrooms.
I can't imagine what you guys
are doing with one bedroom.
I mean, you're so busy,
I wouldn't think you had any time to sleep.
- Oh.
Do you have any children?
No.
Mary Frances was
always more willing to die
than do anything to
mess up her hair. Ha!
Lyle Flannigan.
Here come some people.
Whoo-whoo.
Honey, did you send
out for Sweathog delight?
No.
We heard about your
famous tuna casserole.
Yeah, we didn't want
your dinner guests going hungry.
So we decided to bring
some real food, you know?
A taste of the good life.
Fine food in a gracious setting.
That your car parked out there?
Yes. The black one? Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, you better get it out
of there in a hurry, man.
There's a Puerto Rican
family moving in it there. What?
Uh... they're
great kidders, Lyle.
Mr. Kotter...
we may kid around
a lot in class.
We only do it 'cause
we like you. Really.
Yeah. And we don't want
to lose you, Mr. Kotter.
Yeah, we want you to see
that you ain't got to be rich
to live big.
Well, thank you.
I appreciate that.
Where'd you guys
get all this stuff?
Yeah, I mean, it looks
like the UN cafeteria.
Well, you see...
we told our folks that
you finally got tired of us...
and wanted to quit teaching.
So they sent this
stuff over, you know?
As a sort of gratitude,
so that you'll know
how much you meant
to 'em... and us too.
Yeah. My mom
says to tell Mr. Kotter:
"Anybody who can
keep my Juan in school
deserves my specialty."
You see, it's a Puerto
Rican/ Jewish dish.
It's called, uh,
gefilte... mofongo.
She has the dumbest
laugh I ever heard.
Are you really a rich person?
Well. Yeah, I... I
guess I'm well off.
We're rich, Lyle.
Hi.
I'm Vinnie Barbarino.
Head Sweathog here.
You probably want to
know more about me.
No.
Mary Franc... Mary Frances,
these are the new Sweathogs.
Yeah, we're the new
Sweathogs, what of it?
Lyle, to these kids,
being a Sweathog
is a badge of honor.
You know, not everybody
can be a Sweathog.
Hey, man. That's true,
man. You take my main man,
Mr. Kotter, here, for example.
Ain't that right, brother?
Man, he was a Sweathog once.
Now, he don't want to
be no more Sweathog.
No more. Hey. Hey,
Freddie, come on.
Now, that's not true.
Lyle, I was uncomfortable
about you coming here,
and I told them about it,
and I think that's what
they're doing here.
They're my students,
but they're also my friends.
I'm a Sweathog, and I guess
I'm always gonna be one.
I mean, you don't
make a lot of money,
but you meet an interesting
class of people. Heh.
So you and Mary Frances
are welcome to stay,
but if you don't wanna
be around Sweathogs...
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, Gabe.
Uh, let me tell you something.
I... I know that you've never
really liked me very much and...
Well, that's not
true. No, it is true.
I-I-I knew it all along.
But you let me hang around,
and for that I was grateful.
Yeah, why did you want
to hang around with me?
Envy. Uh, that's it.
I'm still envious of you.
Oh, Ly-Ly.
You're riding around
in a $14,000 car,
and you envy me? That's right.
Why?
Gabe, you don't know how much
you've got with your students.
I mean, what do I have?
What I'm saying is, it's
not so nice being nice.
It's boring being nice.
Gabe, all through school, I
wanted to be a Sweathog.
But dirt never stuck to me.
I was... too perfect.
It's lovely being perfect.
It's boring being perfect.
It's boring being rich. I
have five boring bedrooms.
Am I included in those
five boring bedrooms?
Mary Frances, no one has
a headache for seven years.
Lyle, what are you saying?
Well, I think that sounds
like Sweathog talk to me.
Yeah? You really think so?
Well, don't take my word
for it. Ask the experts.
Well, that was sort of
like a rank, you know.
I think I give
him a A for effort
and a C for the execution.
Okay.
Yeah. Well, he's
real white bread,
you know, but, uh... okay.
Congratulations, Mr. Flannigan.
Well, I guess that's it.
You're an honorary Sweathog.
Great.
And thank you. You made
me feel as rich as you are.
Gabe, you are.
You're richer. And
you're not in trouble
with the Internal Revenue.
That was a good
one, Mary Frances.
What? What was?
The rank. You just ranked Lyle.
Congratulations, Mrs. Flannigan.
How do you feel, Mary Frances?
Now you're a Sweathog too.
Lyle... Up your nose
with a rubber hose.
Oh!
I just lost my headache.
Ha!
Hey, all right, we're all even.
Come on, everybody,
there's a lot of food.
Let's eat. All right? Okay.
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
Little Italian
man, right? Right.
Wants a barbecue his
whole life. A barbecue.
He likes the cookout, right?
So he finally buys a barbecue.
He's so happy, he's
out in the backyard,
he's cooking a couple of
steaks, and he's singing:
♪ O, solo mio La, la, la, la ♪
Drunk walks by. He goes:
"Hey, mister, you
got a terrific voice.
But your monkey's on fire."
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪
♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪
♪ Since you hung around ♪
♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪
♪ And they've turned around ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪
♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him A lot ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him A lot ♪
took driving lessons?
No. But I have a feeling
I'm gonna hear all about it.
Yes, 'cause I know that you
really want to, deep inside.
She's taking driving lessons,
the instructor is
sitting on her side.
First of all, she puts her
hand out the window like this:
Then she goes like this:
And then she goes like this:
Well, why did she do that?
That's just what
the instructor said.
"Lucille, why did you do that?"
She said, "Well, first I
was gonna make a left turn.
"Then I decided
to make a right turn.
"Then I decided
not to make any turn,
so I erased the whole thing."
Welcome Back, Kotter has
been recorded live on tape
before a studio audience.
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪
♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪
♪ Since you hung around ♪
♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪
♪ And they've turned around ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪
♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
Okay. Yeah...
I'll tell him as soon
as he comes out.
Uh-huh. Yeah...
Six will be fine.
I am looking forward to meeting
you and Mary Frances too.
Okay. Yeah, I'll see
you later. Bye-bye.
Honey, you will never
guess who just called.
I'm sorry, I don't have
time. I'm late, Julie.
Come on. Guess
who's coming to dinner.
Okay. What are you cooking?
My world famous tuna casserole.
It's nobody that we
ever want to see again.
That's very cute.
I'll give you a hint.
"I can't wait to see old
Gabby Gabe again."
Say that again.
"I can't wait to see old
Gabby Gabe again."
Come on.
Lyle Flannigan is coming
here? You guessed.
Boy, did he sound nice.
Of course he sounded nice.
Lyle Flannigan was the nicest
boy who ever went to Buchanan.
He's so nice he would help
old ladies cross their legs.
Gabe. You should be happy.
You haven't seen Lyle
Flannigan in 10 years.
Julie, did it ever occur to you
that if you haven't seen
someone for 10 years,
chances are it's because
you don't want to?
Now, I find out that when
I'm in the bathroom shaving,
my wife... that's you
invites a Lyle
Flannigan to dinner.
You're mad at me.
Julie, I'm not mad at you.
I just don't wanna have Lyle
Flannigan over for dinner.
Well, what's wrong
with Lyle Flannigan?
You wanna know what's
wrong with Lyle Flannigan?
I'll tell you what's wrong
with Lyle Flannigan.
There's nothing wrong
with Lyle Flannigan.
That's what's wrong
with Lyle Flannigan.
Lyle Flannigan is perfect.
Did you ever know a kid who went
through school without a pimple,
a blemish?
I would've even
settled for a wart.
We were on the
basketball team together.
Lyle Flannigan used to
score 30 points a game,
and he would never sweat.
I was second-string. I used
to sit on the bench and sweat.
The only person that was
as bad as Lyle Flannigan
was that Miss
Personality cheerleader
he used to go out with. Uh...
If her name is Mary Frances,
it's gonna be old-home
week around here tonight.
That figures.
I knew that those two
were gonna get married.
They look so nice, they probably
stood on their own wedding cake.
Well, maybe they're
not so nice anymore.
Julie, Lyle Flannigan
is not a bad guy.
He's not mean, he's not hostile.
Throughout school, he
always acted superior.
And you want to know something?
What?
He was.
Well, what are you gonna do?
While I'm at school today,
working with my students,
move.
All right, Arnold, get out here.
Pretty clever, eh, Mr. Kotter?
I thought this up all
by myself this morning.
Not today, all right, Arnold?
Someday, we'll discuss the
history of the whoopee cushion
and the dribble
glass, but... not today.
All right, Sweathogs.
Another day, another dollar.
Let's get right to work.
Book reports.
Mr. Kotter.
What does that mean,
"Another day, another dollar"?
Well, Vinnie, in the
case of teachers,
it comes very close to
being a financial statement.
Book reports.
Hey, Mr. Kotter.
Mr. Epstein.
Couldn't you get
rich being a teacher?
Epstein, I have enough money
to last me for
the rest of my life.
Uh-huh.
Unless I wanna buy something.
Why? Huh?
Oh, well, you know, I was
thinking about being a teacher.
But, like, if there's
not enough bucks in it,
why be a sap, huh?
No, I think I'm gonna
be a street sweeper.
It says here, you know, uh,
you can make 18,000
bucks a year. Where?
Right here. 18,000
bucks... All right, look.
Don't bring papers into class.
That's in San Francisco.
That's where they have
all those earthquakes.
They should get
paid that much money.
They got to sweep
buildings up off the street.
All right, quit the
stalling. Book reports.
One last question.
Okay, Freddie. But make
it simple and make it quick.
Mr. Kotter.
What is... the meaning of life?
Ah, Sweathopper.
You ask the meaning of life.
You must go to
Epstein's gym locker.
Open it up.
Take one deep breath.
If you will survive that,
you will survive anything.
All right, let's
go. Book reports.
I got one, master.
"Book report.
"The Arabian Nights.
"Adventure. 1942.
Black and white.
"Two brothers, Jon
Hall and Leif Erickson,
"fight over a throne.
"Maria Montez, Sabu, Turhan Bey.
Ninety minutes. Repeat."
How was the movie?
Oh, it was wonderful.
Uh, Sabu and the elephant
lived happily ever after.
Mr. Kotter, I got
my book report.
Oh, another surprise.
"Trailer Park Cutie...
"by Miss M.
"An original nightstand classic.
"Monica knew that
one man was too much.
Yet 10 were not enough."
Whoo!
That's enough, Vinnie.
"She awoke in the
morning glistening..."
All right.
"Her desire..."
I don't care about
her glistening.
Next time, you
bring a book report in
in a plain brown wrapper.
That's enough.
Enough.
You know, sometimes I wonder
why I bother with you people at all.
Don't you like
teaching us, Mr. Kotter?
I love teaching, Arnold.
Teaching is my
chosen profession.
But there are days like today
when all I am is a straight
man for Sweathogs.
I might as well have become
a door-to-door salesman.
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
Ooh! Ooh!
Did you want to, uh,
say something, Arnold?
My Uncle Murray was a
door-to-door salesman.
It finally drove him crazy.
Okay, Arnold.
How come it drove him crazy?
He sold doors.
Every day he would go to
a house and knock on one.
But he knew he wasn't
gonna make a sale.
Hey, Mr. Kotter.
What's bugging you?
What's bugging you? Wanna know?
Okay, I'm gonna tell
you what's bugging me.
I have a bad case
of Lyle Flannigan.
Uh, when did you first notice
that something was
wrong with your Flannigan?
Lyle Flannigan is
person, Freddie.
We went to school here together.
Well, come on, Mr. Kotter.
Why don't you tell us about him?
Nothing to tell.
We went to school.
We were on the basketball team.
Now I heard he's
making a million dollars.
He's in a big office
building with 18 secretaries,
and I'm back here
where I started.
Don't you find teaching
a rewarding experience,
Mr. Kotter?
Aren't you happy with us?
Yeah, you know, you didn't
have to be a teacher, Mr. Kotter.
Mr. Kotter, you could've made
yourself a whole lot of money.
That's right,
Freddie, I could have.
I mean, I had plenty
of opportunities.
Heather Weintraub's
father wanted me
to go into the "funeral biz,"
as Heather used to call it.
Hey, well, why didn't you do it?
Because Heather looked like
she modeled for the caskets.
You know, Mr. Kotter...
I get the distinctive impression
that you are not happy.
Why shouldn't I
be happy, Arnold?
So far, it's been
a terrific day.
First of all, I wake up late.
Second of all, my wife cooks
me orange juice for breakfast.
Then she invites somebody
I haven't seen in 10 years,
who I don't want to
see, to dinner tonight.
Then I come to school,
and Arnold Horshack has me
chasing a wallet down the hall.
Then after that, nobody's
done their book report.
Epstein was up till
2:00 in the morning with,
"Sabu, Maria Montez, repeat."
Barbarino did a book report too.
"Trailer Park Cutie by Miss M.
Monica knew that 10
men were not enough...
but a hundred was too many.
And Freddie wants
to know why Mr. Kotter
ain't making, uh,
$18,000 a year,
like some street
sweeper in San Francisco.
Now, I got seven more
classes I got to go through today.
Then I gotta go home
and have tuna casserole...
Bleh!
With Captain
No-Pimple and his wife,
Sister Mary Pompom.
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams Were your... ♪
Gabe.
I'm not here.
Aren't you gonna change?
They'll be here any minute.
Hey, look, I got a great idea.
They're here.
This is my idea. Make
a very thin sandwich
and slide it under the door.
You can't do that.
Can we?
No.
That wouldn't be nice.
And we gotta be nice. Lyle
and Mary Frances are coming,
so we're gonna be nice,
nice, nice, nice, nice.
♪ I'm a nice guy ♪
Gabe Kotter?
Mary Frances.
I didn't recognize you
without your pompoms.
Chh.
Mary Frances, I'd love
you to meet my wife.
This is Julie. Mary Frances.
So nice to meet you.
Gabe has told me so
much about you and Lyle.
Lyle is still parking his car.
He is so fussy
about that car of his.
I'd hate to tell you
how much it cost.
Well, was there
a lot of traffic?
Fourteen thousand,
five hundred dollars.
That's a lot of traffic.
Let me take your
coat, Mary Frances.
Thank you.
"Closet."
Isn't that cute?
Hello. Oh.
I'm Lyle. And you must be Julie.
You're just as pretty as
you sounded on the phone.
What a nice thing to say.
Thank you.
That's my Lyle.
Gabe, you old son of a gun.
How you doing, Lyle?
Well, Gabe, I don't mind telling
you that I'm making a bundle.
A bundle. Heh-heh.
You hear that, Julie? Old Lyle
here's in the bundle business.
Let me make you a drink. Great.
Ly-Ly, isn't it sweet
that Gabe still lives in
the old neighborhood?
Oh, I remember what
this neighborhood is like.
That's why I'm glad I found
a spot in front of the building.
Gabe, that car of mine
eats gas like a bus.
And I'd hate to tell
you what I paid for it.
Fourteen thousand, five hundred.
You got one too?
No.
The city takes care of my bus.
They lock it up at night so
they can paint over the graffiti.
Heh.
It's a joke.
He means the "bus"
bus, Mary Frances.
Mary Frances?
Heh-heh.
Oh, Gabe was always
funny, remember?
I mean, Gabe always
had something to say.
That's why we called
him Gabby Gabe.
Didn't we, Gabby Gabe?
I have nothing to say.
Dinner will be ready
in a few minutes.
Julie, do you know
what I would love?
No.
A tour of the
house. Do you mind?
Whose house?
Oh. Our house.
This is it.
Mary Frances, I
would be delighted
to take you on a
tour of the house.
Oh, thank you.
Let us start over here
in our spacious dinning room.
This is where
visiting heads of state
have been known not to show up.
Two steps to the right,
and we're in our kitchen,
which... as you see, is
decorated in early Munchkin.
Now over here, this
is our spacious foyer.
Try to keep up with
the tour, Mary Frances.
That's my den out there,
which is decorated
in early Fire Escape.
Now, the third
one to the right...
You see the one over there with
racing stripes and the chrome?
That's our garbage can.
Which brings us
back to our bedroom,
which your husband
Lyle is sitting on.
Why, it's the most quaint
and charming little apartment
I've ever seen, isn't it, Ly-Ly?
I can't imagine what we're
doing with five bedrooms.
I can't imagine what you guys
are doing with one bedroom.
I mean, you're so busy,
I wouldn't think you had any time to sleep.
- Oh.
Do you have any children?
No.
Mary Frances was
always more willing to die
than do anything to
mess up her hair. Ha!
Lyle Flannigan.
Here come some people.
Whoo-whoo.
Honey, did you send
out for Sweathog delight?
No.
We heard about your
famous tuna casserole.
Yeah, we didn't want
your dinner guests going hungry.
So we decided to bring
some real food, you know?
A taste of the good life.
Fine food in a gracious setting.
That your car parked out there?
Yes. The black one? Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, you better get it out
of there in a hurry, man.
There's a Puerto Rican
family moving in it there. What?
Uh... they're
great kidders, Lyle.
Mr. Kotter...
we may kid around
a lot in class.
We only do it 'cause
we like you. Really.
Yeah. And we don't want
to lose you, Mr. Kotter.
Yeah, we want you to see
that you ain't got to be rich
to live big.
Well, thank you.
I appreciate that.
Where'd you guys
get all this stuff?
Yeah, I mean, it looks
like the UN cafeteria.
Well, you see...
we told our folks that
you finally got tired of us...
and wanted to quit teaching.
So they sent this
stuff over, you know?
As a sort of gratitude,
so that you'll know
how much you meant
to 'em... and us too.
Yeah. My mom
says to tell Mr. Kotter:
"Anybody who can
keep my Juan in school
deserves my specialty."
You see, it's a Puerto
Rican/ Jewish dish.
It's called, uh,
gefilte... mofongo.
She has the dumbest
laugh I ever heard.
Are you really a rich person?
Well. Yeah, I... I
guess I'm well off.
We're rich, Lyle.
Hi.
I'm Vinnie Barbarino.
Head Sweathog here.
You probably want to
know more about me.
No.
Mary Franc... Mary Frances,
these are the new Sweathogs.
Yeah, we're the new
Sweathogs, what of it?
Lyle, to these kids,
being a Sweathog
is a badge of honor.
You know, not everybody
can be a Sweathog.
Hey, man. That's true,
man. You take my main man,
Mr. Kotter, here, for example.
Ain't that right, brother?
Man, he was a Sweathog once.
Now, he don't want to
be no more Sweathog.
No more. Hey. Hey,
Freddie, come on.
Now, that's not true.
Lyle, I was uncomfortable
about you coming here,
and I told them about it,
and I think that's what
they're doing here.
They're my students,
but they're also my friends.
I'm a Sweathog, and I guess
I'm always gonna be one.
I mean, you don't
make a lot of money,
but you meet an interesting
class of people. Heh.
So you and Mary Frances
are welcome to stay,
but if you don't wanna
be around Sweathogs...
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, Gabe.
Uh, let me tell you something.
I... I know that you've never
really liked me very much and...
Well, that's not
true. No, it is true.
I-I-I knew it all along.
But you let me hang around,
and for that I was grateful.
Yeah, why did you want
to hang around with me?
Envy. Uh, that's it.
I'm still envious of you.
Oh, Ly-Ly.
You're riding around
in a $14,000 car,
and you envy me? That's right.
Why?
Gabe, you don't know how much
you've got with your students.
I mean, what do I have?
What I'm saying is, it's
not so nice being nice.
It's boring being nice.
Gabe, all through school, I
wanted to be a Sweathog.
But dirt never stuck to me.
I was... too perfect.
It's lovely being perfect.
It's boring being perfect.
It's boring being rich. I
have five boring bedrooms.
Am I included in those
five boring bedrooms?
Mary Frances, no one has
a headache for seven years.
Lyle, what are you saying?
Well, I think that sounds
like Sweathog talk to me.
Yeah? You really think so?
Well, don't take my word
for it. Ask the experts.
Well, that was sort of
like a rank, you know.
I think I give
him a A for effort
and a C for the execution.
Okay.
Yeah. Well, he's
real white bread,
you know, but, uh... okay.
Congratulations, Mr. Flannigan.
Well, I guess that's it.
You're an honorary Sweathog.
Great.
And thank you. You made
me feel as rich as you are.
Gabe, you are.
You're richer. And
you're not in trouble
with the Internal Revenue.
That was a good
one, Mary Frances.
What? What was?
The rank. You just ranked Lyle.
Congratulations, Mrs. Flannigan.
How do you feel, Mary Frances?
Now you're a Sweathog too.
Lyle... Up your nose
with a rubber hose.
Oh!
I just lost my headache.
Ha!
Hey, all right, we're all even.
Come on, everybody,
there's a lot of food.
Let's eat. All right? Okay.
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
Little Italian
man, right? Right.
Wants a barbecue his
whole life. A barbecue.
He likes the cookout, right?
So he finally buys a barbecue.
He's so happy, he's
out in the backyard,
he's cooking a couple of
steaks, and he's singing:
♪ O, solo mio La, la, la, la ♪
Drunk walks by. He goes:
"Hey, mister, you
got a terrific voice.
But your monkey's on fire."
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪
♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪
♪ Since you hung around ♪
♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪
♪ And they've turned around ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪
♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him A lot ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him A lot ♪