Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 1, Episode 9 - Mr. Kotter, Teacher - full transcript
Mr. Kotter is suspended because Mr. Woodman doesn't like his teaching methods.
Too bad you went to
sleep early last night.
Why? What'd you have in mind?
There was a terrific movie
on, the late show. Spy movie.
It was all about
this Israeli spy,
has to deliver this
microfilm to this guy
on the Lower East
Side of New York.
They give him a code.
He's supposed to say:
"The sky above, the mud below."
The other guy's supposed to say:
"Okay, I'm your contact." Right?
So he gets on the Lower
East Side of Delancey Street.
Looks in the directory.
There's two Bernsteins.
What did he do?
He had this code, so he figured
he'd try the one
on the first floor.
So he knocks on the
door. A little old man
peeks through the keyhole
and he goes... Ah, he goes:
"Mr. Bernstein,
the sky above, the mud below."
Old man looks at him and says,
"You don't want me, you
want Bernstein the spy
on the second floor."
Welcome Back,
Kotter is recorded live
before a studio audience.
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪
♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪
♪ Since you hung around ♪
♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪
♪ And they've turned around ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪
♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Oh, the black magic ♪
♪ Has me in its spell ♪
♪ That old black magic ♪
♪ That I weave so well ♪
Good morning, Charlie.
Good morning, Gabe.
To the patron saint
of science teachers.
To Baron Von Frankenstein.
Ohhhhh.
Charlie, when you die, it's
gonna take 'em nine days
to beat your liver to death.
Oh.
When you hear my news,
you're gonna wish you were dead.
You are being reviewed today.
So look like a teacher.
Look miserable.
I'm sorry. I can't. I'm happy.
There's no time to be happy.
When Woodman comes
in and looks at your class,
tell the Sweathogs
to shut up and study.
I'm telling you,
I've been trying
some experimental
things in class.
And they're really
starting to pay off.
Instead of them
memorizing dates,
I'm making them
think for themselves.
For the first time, I
feel like a teacher.
I'm not gonna give that up
just 'cause it's review day.
Well, let's hope Woodman
is in a good mood.
Where's your class, Kotter?
The bell just rang.
Piper, get to your
classroom. Yes, sir.
If I weren't in
such a good mood,
I'd have both
your jobs for this.
If I weren't in
such a good mood,
I'd have both
your jobs for this.
Piper, in your class.
That's pretty good.
Like that, huh?
You're lucky he's
in a good mood.
Come on, dance, Mr. Kotter.
Get down. Oh, yeah.
Okay. Now, all of you.
♪ Let's twist again ♪
♪ Like we did Last summer ♪
♪ Let's twist again... ♪
You're an oldie but
a goody, Mr. Kotter.
Come on, let's get to
work. Okay. Let's move it.
Mr. Kotter, we took
the liberty to assume
that we was gonna rap
like we was doing yesterday,
all right?
You really got into what
we were doing yesterday?
Okay, come on
everybody, get into a circle.
Yeah. Let's go. Circle.
You know that the circle is
the oldest form of education?
It goes back as
far as history itself.
I want you to...
I want you to feel free
to talk about anything
you wanna talk about.
Ooh! Ooh, ooh! Ooh!
Arnold, you wanna say something?
Last night on television,
I saw The Wizard of Oz.
For the 14th time.
Okay, all right, all right.
What do you think The
Wizard of Oz was about?
Oh, it was about, uh,
2 hours and 20 minutes
including commercials.
Man, no, it was a
lot of made-up junk
about a lot of dudes
in animal suits.
Yeah, but they all
represented people, Freddie.
Like, the, uh, Scarecrow
was looking for brains.
Like Horshack.
Come on.
Come on.
Yeah, and... And that man in
that old dumb garbage-can suit,
he needed a heart.
Like Epstein. Right.
And the Lion, he needed courage.
All right, put 'em up, put
'em up. Come on, put 'em up.
I'll fight you with both hands
behind my back. Come on.
I'll fight you with an eraser in
my hand. Nyah, nyah, nyah.
Very impressive, Mr. Kotter.
Okay, the point of
The Wizard of Oz
was that they were all going
for something they already had.
They just didn't realize it.
Boy, were they dumb.
Hey, look, man,
why are we going on
about an old, stupid kid movie?
Man, that ain't cool.
It's really important to you,
Freddie, huh, trying to be cool?
Hey, look, man, I don't
have to try to be cool.
I am cool.
Hey, just turn down the lights.
- He'll heat up. Hee-hee!
- Ooh!
Okay, all right. Now,
it's all right to be cool,
but you gotta be
a cool something.
Okay.
I wanna build
the tallest building
in the world.
What are you gonna call
it, Washington Heights?
No.
I think I'm gonna call it
the Boom Boom Building.
All right, Epstein,
what do you wanna do?
I'm gonna be a typhoon.
A restaurant typhoon, huh?
Juan Epstein,
caterer to the stars.
Puerto Rican-Jewish
delicacies a specialty.
Hello, this is Epstein,
the refried matzo ball king.
What are you doing, Kotter?
Groucho.
Mr. Woodman, I'm
trying something new.
Watch, it'll the high
point of your day.
My day has no high points.
What's going on here?
We're, uh, rapping.
"Wrapping"?
Wrapping what, Kotter?
I'll just stand back here, uh,
reviewing everything you do.
Okay, Barbarino, what kind
of adult do you wanna be?
I can tell you the kind of
adult I wanna be in two words:
Marlon Brando.
All right, all right,
all right, hey.
Do you wanna go to
acting school, Vinnie?
No, I don't have to.
I'm gonna be
discovered in a drugstore.
Wearing a tight sweater?
Hey, let's do a scene for them
from The Godfather.
All right. You
ready? Watch this.
We have to sit through
this? Be right back.
Another magic
moment in the theater.
Don Barbarino, I
come to ask you a favor.
What?
A favor, Don Barbarino.
What?
Hey, that was pretty good.
Hey, that's a cool scene,
man. That's pretty cool.
This is all very
interesting, Kotter,
but don't you think it's
time you started class?
Mr. Woodman, this is class.
Kotter, you're not
using the textbook.
Mr... Ungh!
In case you haven't noticed,
we Sweathogs are
forgotten people.
I mean, we don't get good books.
We get this.
Are you trying to tell
me that's a bad book?
It's the pits.
Pits? What pits?
I mean, what does he
mean by that, Kotter?
He means that it has
no relevance to his life.
That it's outdated.
Look at this.
"Soon the railroad will
span the entire country."
"Texas is the largest
of our 39 states."
Oh, here's a good one.
"They predict television."
You're joking, Kotter.
Okay, I'm joking
about the railroad
and, uh, Texas but look, it
says: "They predict television."
They were right, weren't they?
That doesn't make it a bad book.
Mr. Woodman, it's the pits.
What...? What...?
What pits, Kotter?
Could I have a word
with you alone in the hall?
Okay. Try to keep
this discussion going.
I'll be right back.
Good luck.
Mr. Woodman, look, I know my
methods are a little unorthodox.
Unorthodox, Kotter?
Try crazy, try insane.
Try nutsy cuckoo.
You didn't like it?
Kotter, I used to
teach social studies.
Social studies is
memorizing names,
places, dates.
♪ In 1492 ♪
♪ Columbus sailed
The ocean blue ♪
That's nutsy cuckoo.
Mr. Woodman, that's
reciting, not learning.
Learning is a discussion
between people, a dialogue.
The ancient Greeks did it.
Where are your ancient
Greeks today, Kotter?
They're all in a
restaurant on 9th Avenue.
Look, Mr. Woodman, you
said yourself it was interesting.
It's not school, Kotter.
You talk, they
listen. That's school.
That's the way I taught.
That's the way
you have to teach.
I'm sorry, Mr. Woodman,
I'm really sorry.
I'm not gonna hurt these kids
by following an
outdated set of rules.
Well then, Kotter, this school
isn't big enough for both of us.
I'm bringing you up on charges
before the teachers'
review board.
You're kidding. I
never kid, Kotter.
I have no sense of humor.
I'll take your class.
Turn in your chalk.
You're suspended.
That's the pits.
♪ Welcome back ♪
Miss Riley will act as,
uh, arbiter in this case.
Miss Riley, this is the
accused's friend, Mr. Piper.
How do you do?
This is the accused, Mr. Kotter.
The accused's wife, Mrs.
Kotter. RILEY: Mrs. Kotter.
My husband is a
wonderful teacher.
Wonderful.
My wife is here
for moral support.
Yes. Hm.
Michael, will you
read your charges
against Mr. Kotter, please?
With pleasure.
"Gabriel Kotter has
heretofore refused
"to use the assigned textbook,
"failed to follow the
prescribed curriculum
"and is in violation
of Section 3
"of the education code.
In addition to that,
he does Groucho
Marx in the classroom."
Ahem. Miss Riley, uh, I'm
here as a character witness
for Mr. Kotter. May
I say a few words?
Yes.
My colleague Gabe
Kotter is a terrific guy.
I take it you've known
him a long time?
Oh, yes. Four, five weeks.
He is a great teacher.
You have observed his class?
Uh... You may recall
the incident of a teacher
that was arrested in the
balcony of a Times Square movie?
He is not the man.
Thanks a lot, Charlie.
You just won the award
for Best Performance
by a Moral Supporter
in a Nonsupporting Role.
Ah, Mr. Kotter, are
your students planning
to attend this meeting?
No, of course, not.
His Sweathogs had
the nerve to ask me
for permission to be here.
Permission which
I naturally denied.
That's not fair.
I mean, what
we're deciding today
is who's gonna teach those kids,
and I think they should be
part of that decision, right?
I mean, I'm thinking
that they should be here.
I see.
Make a-way for the
paint and paper men.
Just a moment.
There's a meeting going on here.
Hey, mac, when you hire
the Linguini brothers to work,
the Linguini
brothers, we a-work.
Hey, right, Nozzio?
That's a-right,
Guido. All right.
This is absurd.
What could be more
ridiculous than this?
Kotter.
I know that face.
What?
That's you, Barbarino.
Where?
Barbarino, are
you in there alone?
Mr. Kotter, are
these your students?
Yes, these are my Sweathogs.
That's Moe, Larry, Curly.
And that's Raquel.
Why did you guys
come dressed like this?
'Cause Mr. Woodman said
no Sweathogs could be here.
So we've been doing like
we've been doing in class.
We started asking
ourselves questions.
"Selves," we asked,
"what can we do to help
Mr. Kotter beat this rap," but...
At first, our selves
didn't answer.
But suddenly, out of nowhere,
a voice came into
our heads and said,
"Go to the li-bary."
They went to the library?
You went to the library
where they keep the books?
Yeah, and for three whole days
we's been looking up what
you call legal "presidents."
"Grant v. Richmond,
"Dempsey v. Tunney,
Flippo the Seal v.
Caesar's Palace."
Here we are.
"Section 3, Subsection 8,
Paragraph 4 of
the city charter."
Whatever that is.
"Any teacher...
"Any teacher
placed on suspension
has the right to
a public hearing."
Mr. Kotter, your students
are somewhat offbeat.
Quiet!
But they may speak
if they will keep it brief.
Okay, Barbarino.
Take the stand.
Where should I take it?
It's a little joke.
All right.
Don't look.
All right, now.
"I would really
like Mr. Kotter back
"'cause I figure his replacement
could be worse."
Thanks a lot, Vinnie.
Hey, I ain't through yet.
"Now, I just think
Mr. Kotter's a pretty good guy."
About half the time.
"And... And..."
And a wonderful teacher. Yeah.
And a wonderful teacher.
And don't let this
dress fool you.
I really mean it.
Barbarino.
Thank you. And,
uh, Goodyear called.
They'd like their blimps back.
Pretty good speech, baby.
Hi, there.
Yeah, I'm just your average
student from off the streets
and personally, I feel
Mr. Kotter is a bad teacher.
You think he's a bad
teacher? No, no, no, no, no.
I mean, not bad like
bad, but bad like...
bad.
Oh... bad.
See, most teachers
ask you a question,
they expect you to
guess the right answer.
Well, my main man Mr. Kotter,
he let's us ask
our own questions.
See, and sometimes, there's
more than one right answer.
Which means, all them
times that I was wrong,
I was right.
You see, um, I was right.
I thank you.
Hello.
How are you?
I'm Arnold Horshack.
And up until now,
going to school to me
has always been
like being vaccinated.
What do you mean, vaccinated?
Well, see, a subject
is something you take
and once you've had it,
you are immune and
need not ever take it again.
But, Mr. Kotter here,
he's not like that.
I mean, he really
expects us to learn.
And it takes a heap of
learning to make a boy a man.
Hey, Arnold, hey.
That's a good speech.
You're a wonderful
pupil, Arnold.
Hey, my man.
That's pretty good.
I, uh... I think my colleagues
expressed themselves
pretty good on the...
On the matter of Mr. Kotter
getting the ax, you know.
So I got a list of grievances
of my own I'd like to air.
First of all, "The food
in the cafeteria stinks."
Right. Second of all...
Completely irrelevant.
Irrelevant? You mean
with the trunk and ears?
Hey, there's a whole lot
of "relevance" in the circus.
Mr. Ravelli. Yeah, boss.
I had an elephant in my pajamas.
How he got in I'll never know.
Hey, that's a-pretty good.
There, that's a
violation of Section 3.
He's imitating Groucho Marx.
I'm sorry, Miss Riley,
I got carried away.
Epstein, take a chair.
No, no, not that one.
No need to get red
and puffy, Michael.
Mr. Kotter, is there
anything you'd like to say
in your own behalf?
In your own voice.
Certainly. Um... Certainly.
Miss Riley, I'm a teacher.
That's why it says on my locker:
"Mr. Kotter, Teacher."
And I'm teaching a group
of kids known as Sweathogs.
Now, contrary to
popular opinion,
Sweathogs are not dumb.
I mean, a dumb person
does not think of a way
to make it rain in
the gymnasium.
I did that.
Unfortunately, normal
teaching methods
don't seem to
work for these kids.
I mean if they did, well, then
they wouldn't be Sweathogs.
Don't you see? They're
gonna have to survive
in the world of the future.
And if they learn how to learn,
well, then they'll be
able to survive anywhere.
Copies of this speech
can be obtained
by writing Fockle Press...
Great speech, Mr. Kotter.
Very good. All right.
Isn't he a wonderful teacher?
Wonderful.
Michael, would you
care to say anything
before I make my decision?
I think my case speaks
for itself, Miss Riley.
Very well.
Uh, Mr. Kotter, I may not
approve of your methods,
but I do believe in the
rights of teachers to teach.
Now, I... I was impressed
by your Sweathounds'...
Hogs.
Sweathogs', uh,
initiative in doing research
to save your job.
It seems that there...
There is a method
in your madness.
Now, uh, you may think
I'm old-fashioned, Mr. Kotter,
but in my youth,
I was considered
rather radical myself.
I vote to retain you.
I demand a recount!
Eh, we won, stupid.
We won. We won.
Miss Riley. Miss Riley.
The man's methods,
they're nutsy cuckoo.
Well, you taught him, Michael.
You should be proud.
Now, there is one condition.
The, uh... The regulations say
that you must use the textbook.
Okay, I'll use the book.
Good. This meeting is adjourned.
This is nutsy.
Nutsy. Nutsy!
Oh, Mr. Kotter,
I think I know what
you've been going through.
I was a teacher
myself for 40-odd years.
And there were 40
of the oddest years
I've ever known.
Well, I think I'll just leave
my wonderful husband
with his wonderful students.
Congratulations, Gabe.
I'm glad I could help.
We won.
You think I copped
out, don't you?
Yeah, and after all
them fancy words.
Hey, man, you acted
just like everybody else.
Yeah, we thought the Wizard
was gonna give you some courage.
You promised to use
those dumb, old books.
Aha! But I didn't say how I
was gonna use the books.
Okay.
Everybody take one.
Now, I'm gonna
teach you all something
you're very badly in need of.
What?
Posture.
Walk like this.
Walk straight. Walk proud.
Remember, we're Sweathogs.
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams were your... ♪
Did I ever tell you what
happened the last time
I went to see my
grandmother in Miami?
No, but you will. Okay,
I'm on the plane, right?
There's this little old
lady sitting next to me.
She's got this big
diamond ring. Yeah.
So I said, look, lady, I
must compliment you.
That's a beautiful diamond ring.
She says, "You don't know
what this diamond ring is?
This is the famous
Platnick diamond."
The famous Platnick diamond.
I said, Wow, that's terrific.
She said, "Not so terrific.
There's a terrible curse
comes with this diamond."
I said, what's the curse?
She says, "Sam Platnick."
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
were your Ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
were your Ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪
♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪
♪ Since you hung around ♪
♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪
♪ And they've turned around ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪
♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ 'Cause we got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ 'Cause we got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ 'Cause we got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
sleep early last night.
Why? What'd you have in mind?
There was a terrific movie
on, the late show. Spy movie.
It was all about
this Israeli spy,
has to deliver this
microfilm to this guy
on the Lower East
Side of New York.
They give him a code.
He's supposed to say:
"The sky above, the mud below."
The other guy's supposed to say:
"Okay, I'm your contact." Right?
So he gets on the Lower
East Side of Delancey Street.
Looks in the directory.
There's two Bernsteins.
What did he do?
He had this code, so he figured
he'd try the one
on the first floor.
So he knocks on the
door. A little old man
peeks through the keyhole
and he goes... Ah, he goes:
"Mr. Bernstein,
the sky above, the mud below."
Old man looks at him and says,
"You don't want me, you
want Bernstein the spy
on the second floor."
Welcome Back,
Kotter is recorded live
before a studio audience.
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪
♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪
♪ Since you hung around ♪
♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪
♪ And they've turned around ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪
♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Oh, the black magic ♪
♪ Has me in its spell ♪
♪ That old black magic ♪
♪ That I weave so well ♪
Good morning, Charlie.
Good morning, Gabe.
To the patron saint
of science teachers.
To Baron Von Frankenstein.
Ohhhhh.
Charlie, when you die, it's
gonna take 'em nine days
to beat your liver to death.
Oh.
When you hear my news,
you're gonna wish you were dead.
You are being reviewed today.
So look like a teacher.
Look miserable.
I'm sorry. I can't. I'm happy.
There's no time to be happy.
When Woodman comes
in and looks at your class,
tell the Sweathogs
to shut up and study.
I'm telling you,
I've been trying
some experimental
things in class.
And they're really
starting to pay off.
Instead of them
memorizing dates,
I'm making them
think for themselves.
For the first time, I
feel like a teacher.
I'm not gonna give that up
just 'cause it's review day.
Well, let's hope Woodman
is in a good mood.
Where's your class, Kotter?
The bell just rang.
Piper, get to your
classroom. Yes, sir.
If I weren't in
such a good mood,
I'd have both
your jobs for this.
If I weren't in
such a good mood,
I'd have both
your jobs for this.
Piper, in your class.
That's pretty good.
Like that, huh?
You're lucky he's
in a good mood.
Come on, dance, Mr. Kotter.
Get down. Oh, yeah.
Okay. Now, all of you.
♪ Let's twist again ♪
♪ Like we did Last summer ♪
♪ Let's twist again... ♪
You're an oldie but
a goody, Mr. Kotter.
Come on, let's get to
work. Okay. Let's move it.
Mr. Kotter, we took
the liberty to assume
that we was gonna rap
like we was doing yesterday,
all right?
You really got into what
we were doing yesterday?
Okay, come on
everybody, get into a circle.
Yeah. Let's go. Circle.
You know that the circle is
the oldest form of education?
It goes back as
far as history itself.
I want you to...
I want you to feel free
to talk about anything
you wanna talk about.
Ooh! Ooh, ooh! Ooh!
Arnold, you wanna say something?
Last night on television,
I saw The Wizard of Oz.
For the 14th time.
Okay, all right, all right.
What do you think The
Wizard of Oz was about?
Oh, it was about, uh,
2 hours and 20 minutes
including commercials.
Man, no, it was a
lot of made-up junk
about a lot of dudes
in animal suits.
Yeah, but they all
represented people, Freddie.
Like, the, uh, Scarecrow
was looking for brains.
Like Horshack.
Come on.
Come on.
Yeah, and... And that man in
that old dumb garbage-can suit,
he needed a heart.
Like Epstein. Right.
And the Lion, he needed courage.
All right, put 'em up, put
'em up. Come on, put 'em up.
I'll fight you with both hands
behind my back. Come on.
I'll fight you with an eraser in
my hand. Nyah, nyah, nyah.
Very impressive, Mr. Kotter.
Okay, the point of
The Wizard of Oz
was that they were all going
for something they already had.
They just didn't realize it.
Boy, were they dumb.
Hey, look, man,
why are we going on
about an old, stupid kid movie?
Man, that ain't cool.
It's really important to you,
Freddie, huh, trying to be cool?
Hey, look, man, I don't
have to try to be cool.
I am cool.
Hey, just turn down the lights.
- He'll heat up. Hee-hee!
- Ooh!
Okay, all right. Now,
it's all right to be cool,
but you gotta be
a cool something.
Okay.
I wanna build
the tallest building
in the world.
What are you gonna call
it, Washington Heights?
No.
I think I'm gonna call it
the Boom Boom Building.
All right, Epstein,
what do you wanna do?
I'm gonna be a typhoon.
A restaurant typhoon, huh?
Juan Epstein,
caterer to the stars.
Puerto Rican-Jewish
delicacies a specialty.
Hello, this is Epstein,
the refried matzo ball king.
What are you doing, Kotter?
Groucho.
Mr. Woodman, I'm
trying something new.
Watch, it'll the high
point of your day.
My day has no high points.
What's going on here?
We're, uh, rapping.
"Wrapping"?
Wrapping what, Kotter?
I'll just stand back here, uh,
reviewing everything you do.
Okay, Barbarino, what kind
of adult do you wanna be?
I can tell you the kind of
adult I wanna be in two words:
Marlon Brando.
All right, all right,
all right, hey.
Do you wanna go to
acting school, Vinnie?
No, I don't have to.
I'm gonna be
discovered in a drugstore.
Wearing a tight sweater?
Hey, let's do a scene for them
from The Godfather.
All right. You
ready? Watch this.
We have to sit through
this? Be right back.
Another magic
moment in the theater.
Don Barbarino, I
come to ask you a favor.
What?
A favor, Don Barbarino.
What?
Hey, that was pretty good.
Hey, that's a cool scene,
man. That's pretty cool.
This is all very
interesting, Kotter,
but don't you think it's
time you started class?
Mr. Woodman, this is class.
Kotter, you're not
using the textbook.
Mr... Ungh!
In case you haven't noticed,
we Sweathogs are
forgotten people.
I mean, we don't get good books.
We get this.
Are you trying to tell
me that's a bad book?
It's the pits.
Pits? What pits?
I mean, what does he
mean by that, Kotter?
He means that it has
no relevance to his life.
That it's outdated.
Look at this.
"Soon the railroad will
span the entire country."
"Texas is the largest
of our 39 states."
Oh, here's a good one.
"They predict television."
You're joking, Kotter.
Okay, I'm joking
about the railroad
and, uh, Texas but look, it
says: "They predict television."
They were right, weren't they?
That doesn't make it a bad book.
Mr. Woodman, it's the pits.
What...? What...?
What pits, Kotter?
Could I have a word
with you alone in the hall?
Okay. Try to keep
this discussion going.
I'll be right back.
Good luck.
Mr. Woodman, look, I know my
methods are a little unorthodox.
Unorthodox, Kotter?
Try crazy, try insane.
Try nutsy cuckoo.
You didn't like it?
Kotter, I used to
teach social studies.
Social studies is
memorizing names,
places, dates.
♪ In 1492 ♪
♪ Columbus sailed
The ocean blue ♪
That's nutsy cuckoo.
Mr. Woodman, that's
reciting, not learning.
Learning is a discussion
between people, a dialogue.
The ancient Greeks did it.
Where are your ancient
Greeks today, Kotter?
They're all in a
restaurant on 9th Avenue.
Look, Mr. Woodman, you
said yourself it was interesting.
It's not school, Kotter.
You talk, they
listen. That's school.
That's the way I taught.
That's the way
you have to teach.
I'm sorry, Mr. Woodman,
I'm really sorry.
I'm not gonna hurt these kids
by following an
outdated set of rules.
Well then, Kotter, this school
isn't big enough for both of us.
I'm bringing you up on charges
before the teachers'
review board.
You're kidding. I
never kid, Kotter.
I have no sense of humor.
I'll take your class.
Turn in your chalk.
You're suspended.
That's the pits.
♪ Welcome back ♪
Miss Riley will act as,
uh, arbiter in this case.
Miss Riley, this is the
accused's friend, Mr. Piper.
How do you do?
This is the accused, Mr. Kotter.
The accused's wife, Mrs.
Kotter. RILEY: Mrs. Kotter.
My husband is a
wonderful teacher.
Wonderful.
My wife is here
for moral support.
Yes. Hm.
Michael, will you
read your charges
against Mr. Kotter, please?
With pleasure.
"Gabriel Kotter has
heretofore refused
"to use the assigned textbook,
"failed to follow the
prescribed curriculum
"and is in violation
of Section 3
"of the education code.
In addition to that,
he does Groucho
Marx in the classroom."
Ahem. Miss Riley, uh, I'm
here as a character witness
for Mr. Kotter. May
I say a few words?
Yes.
My colleague Gabe
Kotter is a terrific guy.
I take it you've known
him a long time?
Oh, yes. Four, five weeks.
He is a great teacher.
You have observed his class?
Uh... You may recall
the incident of a teacher
that was arrested in the
balcony of a Times Square movie?
He is not the man.
Thanks a lot, Charlie.
You just won the award
for Best Performance
by a Moral Supporter
in a Nonsupporting Role.
Ah, Mr. Kotter, are
your students planning
to attend this meeting?
No, of course, not.
His Sweathogs had
the nerve to ask me
for permission to be here.
Permission which
I naturally denied.
That's not fair.
I mean, what
we're deciding today
is who's gonna teach those kids,
and I think they should be
part of that decision, right?
I mean, I'm thinking
that they should be here.
I see.
Make a-way for the
paint and paper men.
Just a moment.
There's a meeting going on here.
Hey, mac, when you hire
the Linguini brothers to work,
the Linguini
brothers, we a-work.
Hey, right, Nozzio?
That's a-right,
Guido. All right.
This is absurd.
What could be more
ridiculous than this?
Kotter.
I know that face.
What?
That's you, Barbarino.
Where?
Barbarino, are
you in there alone?
Mr. Kotter, are
these your students?
Yes, these are my Sweathogs.
That's Moe, Larry, Curly.
And that's Raquel.
Why did you guys
come dressed like this?
'Cause Mr. Woodman said
no Sweathogs could be here.
So we've been doing like
we've been doing in class.
We started asking
ourselves questions.
"Selves," we asked,
"what can we do to help
Mr. Kotter beat this rap," but...
At first, our selves
didn't answer.
But suddenly, out of nowhere,
a voice came into
our heads and said,
"Go to the li-bary."
They went to the library?
You went to the library
where they keep the books?
Yeah, and for three whole days
we's been looking up what
you call legal "presidents."
"Grant v. Richmond,
"Dempsey v. Tunney,
Flippo the Seal v.
Caesar's Palace."
Here we are.
"Section 3, Subsection 8,
Paragraph 4 of
the city charter."
Whatever that is.
"Any teacher...
"Any teacher
placed on suspension
has the right to
a public hearing."
Mr. Kotter, your students
are somewhat offbeat.
Quiet!
But they may speak
if they will keep it brief.
Okay, Barbarino.
Take the stand.
Where should I take it?
It's a little joke.
All right.
Don't look.
All right, now.
"I would really
like Mr. Kotter back
"'cause I figure his replacement
could be worse."
Thanks a lot, Vinnie.
Hey, I ain't through yet.
"Now, I just think
Mr. Kotter's a pretty good guy."
About half the time.
"And... And..."
And a wonderful teacher. Yeah.
And a wonderful teacher.
And don't let this
dress fool you.
I really mean it.
Barbarino.
Thank you. And,
uh, Goodyear called.
They'd like their blimps back.
Pretty good speech, baby.
Hi, there.
Yeah, I'm just your average
student from off the streets
and personally, I feel
Mr. Kotter is a bad teacher.
You think he's a bad
teacher? No, no, no, no, no.
I mean, not bad like
bad, but bad like...
bad.
Oh... bad.
See, most teachers
ask you a question,
they expect you to
guess the right answer.
Well, my main man Mr. Kotter,
he let's us ask
our own questions.
See, and sometimes, there's
more than one right answer.
Which means, all them
times that I was wrong,
I was right.
You see, um, I was right.
I thank you.
Hello.
How are you?
I'm Arnold Horshack.
And up until now,
going to school to me
has always been
like being vaccinated.
What do you mean, vaccinated?
Well, see, a subject
is something you take
and once you've had it,
you are immune and
need not ever take it again.
But, Mr. Kotter here,
he's not like that.
I mean, he really
expects us to learn.
And it takes a heap of
learning to make a boy a man.
Hey, Arnold, hey.
That's a good speech.
You're a wonderful
pupil, Arnold.
Hey, my man.
That's pretty good.
I, uh... I think my colleagues
expressed themselves
pretty good on the...
On the matter of Mr. Kotter
getting the ax, you know.
So I got a list of grievances
of my own I'd like to air.
First of all, "The food
in the cafeteria stinks."
Right. Second of all...
Completely irrelevant.
Irrelevant? You mean
with the trunk and ears?
Hey, there's a whole lot
of "relevance" in the circus.
Mr. Ravelli. Yeah, boss.
I had an elephant in my pajamas.
How he got in I'll never know.
Hey, that's a-pretty good.
There, that's a
violation of Section 3.
He's imitating Groucho Marx.
I'm sorry, Miss Riley,
I got carried away.
Epstein, take a chair.
No, no, not that one.
No need to get red
and puffy, Michael.
Mr. Kotter, is there
anything you'd like to say
in your own behalf?
In your own voice.
Certainly. Um... Certainly.
Miss Riley, I'm a teacher.
That's why it says on my locker:
"Mr. Kotter, Teacher."
And I'm teaching a group
of kids known as Sweathogs.
Now, contrary to
popular opinion,
Sweathogs are not dumb.
I mean, a dumb person
does not think of a way
to make it rain in
the gymnasium.
I did that.
Unfortunately, normal
teaching methods
don't seem to
work for these kids.
I mean if they did, well, then
they wouldn't be Sweathogs.
Don't you see? They're
gonna have to survive
in the world of the future.
And if they learn how to learn,
well, then they'll be
able to survive anywhere.
Copies of this speech
can be obtained
by writing Fockle Press...
Great speech, Mr. Kotter.
Very good. All right.
Isn't he a wonderful teacher?
Wonderful.
Michael, would you
care to say anything
before I make my decision?
I think my case speaks
for itself, Miss Riley.
Very well.
Uh, Mr. Kotter, I may not
approve of your methods,
but I do believe in the
rights of teachers to teach.
Now, I... I was impressed
by your Sweathounds'...
Hogs.
Sweathogs', uh,
initiative in doing research
to save your job.
It seems that there...
There is a method
in your madness.
Now, uh, you may think
I'm old-fashioned, Mr. Kotter,
but in my youth,
I was considered
rather radical myself.
I vote to retain you.
I demand a recount!
Eh, we won, stupid.
We won. We won.
Miss Riley. Miss Riley.
The man's methods,
they're nutsy cuckoo.
Well, you taught him, Michael.
You should be proud.
Now, there is one condition.
The, uh... The regulations say
that you must use the textbook.
Okay, I'll use the book.
Good. This meeting is adjourned.
This is nutsy.
Nutsy. Nutsy!
Oh, Mr. Kotter,
I think I know what
you've been going through.
I was a teacher
myself for 40-odd years.
And there were 40
of the oddest years
I've ever known.
Well, I think I'll just leave
my wonderful husband
with his wonderful students.
Congratulations, Gabe.
I'm glad I could help.
We won.
You think I copped
out, don't you?
Yeah, and after all
them fancy words.
Hey, man, you acted
just like everybody else.
Yeah, we thought the Wizard
was gonna give you some courage.
You promised to use
those dumb, old books.
Aha! But I didn't say how I
was gonna use the books.
Okay.
Everybody take one.
Now, I'm gonna
teach you all something
you're very badly in need of.
What?
Posture.
Walk like this.
Walk straight. Walk proud.
Remember, we're Sweathogs.
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams were your... ♪
Did I ever tell you what
happened the last time
I went to see my
grandmother in Miami?
No, but you will. Okay,
I'm on the plane, right?
There's this little old
lady sitting next to me.
She's got this big
diamond ring. Yeah.
So I said, look, lady, I
must compliment you.
That's a beautiful diamond ring.
She says, "You don't know
what this diamond ring is?
This is the famous
Platnick diamond."
The famous Platnick diamond.
I said, Wow, that's terrific.
She said, "Not so terrific.
There's a terrible curse
comes with this diamond."
I said, what's the curse?
She says, "Sam Platnick."
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
were your Ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
were your Ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪
♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪
♪ Since you hung around ♪
♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪
♪ And they've turned around ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪
♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ 'Cause we got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ 'Cause we got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ 'Cause we got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪