Weird Loners (2015): Season 1, Episode 4 - Weird Knight - full transcript
Caryn reluctantly goes on a date with a nerdy guy; Stosh gets Zara to enter an art contest.
Hey. There she is.
Mysterious Lady of the East.
Queen of the Ganges.
Our very own Taj Mahottie.
And good racist morning to you.
Wow, that's really good.
You convey such despair.
Thank you.
No, I mean it.
It's really, really good.
You know, it's, uh, it's a crime
that you sell that on
the street for peanuts.
It should be hanging in galleries.
- Mm.
- You know?
It's too good to waste on poor people.
Again, thank you, but I'm fine.
What are you doing up this early?
Usually, you don't emerge
from your bat cave till mid-afternoon.
Yeah, I brought home this waitress
from Dugan's last night,
and she stumbled out of here pretty early.
Figured I'd be a gentleman
- and pretend to be asleep until she left.
- Oh.
That's who that was.
I thought you were being robbed
by the ghost of Eleanor Roosevelt.
Hmm.
Yeah, I can see that.
You know, I'm just
not in the right head lately, you know?
I mean, no job, no focus.
Six weeks ago, I'm top sales rep,
living in a phat condo
in Gotham, and now...
Da, da-da, dah!
I live with this.
So? How do I look?
You look very cute, Eric,
but, um, what the hell?
Say hello to Lord Bartholomew Gullswallow,
esteemed Knight in the Queens
County Human Chess League.
Ah.
We play every other Sunday
at Flushing Meadow Park.
Oh, you know what?
You guys should come and watch some time.
It's pretty exciting.
More exciting than regular chess?!
As a matter of fact, yes.
It's regular chess with
human-sized thrills.
- Gullswallow!
- Ah!
Good morrow, my liege.
You're not gonna believe our cab driver.
He actually is convinced
that Viswanathan Anand
and Koneru Humpy should
be ranked above Karpov.
What?!
He's probably drunk.
Anyway, come on, let's go.
Ugh. I am so frickin' late for work
again.
Oh!
Ah.
I'm guessing you two are together.
Lord Nathaniel Reginald Derwintwatter.
Or, if you prefer, you may call me "Carl."
I prefer to go scrape teeth.
Scrape away.
Scrape away.
Rook to king-3.
What a game, huh?!
Classic Latvian gambit.
With all that that implies.
Hey, how's your grandfather?
He's been on his feet all morning.
I invented the thumb tack!
He's in bad shape.
Poor man can't even castle anymore
without getting winded.
Can you keep a secret?
Pawn to bishop-3.
He's retiring in two weeks,
naming me the new king.
Congratulations!
Any interest in becoming
my successor as rook?
Me? A rook?
I've dreamed about it, but... Yes.
Then fix me up with your neighbor.
Ms. Nuzzolese?
No!
The one I met today. Caryn.
That honey-maned vixen whose
eyes dance with madness.
Rook to king-4.
I'm being summoned to
the queens-side assault!
I will await your response.
Until we meet again.
I want to rep you!
- I have a whistle.
- No, I want to rep you.
- Represent you as an artist.
- Oh!
Did seem strange that you
would give me a heads-up.
Look, you need a
representative. I can do this.
What do you know about art?
Hey, I may not know what
I like, but I know art.
You see what I did there?
Look, you're a great
artist, I'm a great salesman.
Come on, we can do this!
Thank you, um, but I am doing fine here.
Look, the Mason Hotel
is having a competition
for up-and-coming artists, all right?
The winner gets $20,000 to paint
a new work for the hotel lobby.
I want to enter you in this.
No, I am not good enough.
I see that no, and I'll raise you a yes.
If they don't accept you,
it's like it never
happened, but if they do,
and you win, you're $20,000 richer,
minus my industry-standard
commission of 25%,
which you could look up, but I wouldn't.
Yet again, no.
- So, just to same-page it, yes?
- No!
Great. You know what? They need
to see a sample of your work.
- I'll take this thing.
- What?! Hey!
That is $100!
Take it out of my 30% commission!
- Please?!
- Ew! No!
I am not gonna date that stupid bishop guy.
He's a rook!
I would never set you up with a bishop.
That's disgusting.
And besides,
he's gonna be king in, like, two weeks.
You're always saying
how you want to marry a successful man.
Can't do better than a king, right?
Right, but I can do better
than a dweeb who dresses
up like a chess piece.
Aren't you gonna say "no offense"?
No.
Look at me.
I have been a knight for ten years,
and it has been my privilege.
But a knight is forever relegated
to move in an L-shape pattern.
One up, two over.
Two up, one over.
One back, two over.
- Two back...
- What's your point?!
My point is, I got a chance to be a rook!
A rook can travel the entire
length of the board in one move!
Bet it feels like you're
soaring on the clouds of heaven.
Or walking ten feet in
a bad Halloween costume.
That's not funny!
All right, 'cause this is my life!
This is not a game!
Okay, I'll go out with your weirdo friend.
Yeah?
I will not sleep with him.
Ah, you may not want to say that.
Get a good look at him in his tights?
Oh. What's up, freakies?
Guess what. Caryn's gonna go
out with my friend, the rook.
Really? Always thought
you'd end up with a dreidel.
Where's Zara?
Very sexy. You should go
with this look more often.
What you want, Stosh?
What would you say if
I told you you're one of
the top five finalists for the
Mason Hotel art competition?
I would say that you're
a lying son of a bitch.
At this moment, I am
merely a son of a bitch.
No! Shut up! What?! They accepted me?!
Yeah, come on.
What, you don't think
I know what I'm doing?
Of course they accepted you.
And they're gonna have
a reception this Saturday
where they're gonna meet the
artists and pick the winner.
Plus, open bar.
- Aah! Thank you so much, Stosh!
- Uh-huh. You're welcome.
- Oh.
- Oh. Wow. Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Thank you.
Look you'll get the
recognition you deserve,
and I'm gonna get my 35%
commission, so, it's a win-win.
Need help getting out of that thing?
- No, I'm good.
- Okay.
Oh.
A rook can travel the
entire length of the board
in one move!
Move... move...
Move... move...
The entire length of
the board in one move...
Move... move... move...
A rook... a rook... a rook...
Get off the chess board, you freak!
That's right. Keep going.
See, the fascinating thing
about noise-cancelling headphones...
and I spend half my day at Tech
Town explaining this to people...
is that they work by emanating
sound waves in the exact frequency
of the ambient noise, but in 180 degree
opposition to it. Huh?
I wish I had a pair right now.
If you play your cards right,
you may have a pair draped
across your head later tonight.
Annette. I didn't know
you were working tonight.
This is, uh, Caryn, my date.
Hi.
Sorry, I can't talk right now.
I'm swamped. Another waitress
just deep-fried her hand.
She's a pawn on our human chess team.
Her en passant is an embarrassment.
I don't know what that means.
Huh. Thought they buried
that with Liberace.
You know Liberace was gay?
Do not repeat.
Holy Buddha's nipples!
I've never seen one of my
paintings lit professionally.
It looks so good.
Now, look, you are amazing,
all right? You can do this.
You can walk out of here
a commissioned artist
earning $20,000, minus my 40%.
You just got to dance the dance a little.
Hey, for $20,000, I'll dance
in a G-string and pasties.
Actually, I have, and for much less.
- We should revisit that subject.
- Okay.
Your work has
such fascinating complexity.
Yes, it is lousy
with fascinating complexity, isn't it?
Where did you grow up, Zara?
- Yonkers.
- Mumbai.
Well, eventually
Yonkers, but not until she had survived
a harrowing childhood
on the streets of Mumbai,
keeping her two younger brothers
out of the hands
of the vicious Vindaloo cartel.
Goodness. How did you manage that?
Oh, um, I hid them in the Caves of...
Gupta.
Gupta is lousy with caves. Scotch?
Scotch?
So, our only chance of escape was to hide
in the wheel well of the plane.
It was freezing, but the promise of America
and her freedom kept
my brother and I alive.
I thought you said you
had a second brother.
Oh.
He was upgraded to coach.
Yeah, still, a terrible ordeal.
No money for headphones...
I believe there was a crying baby
- nearby, so...
- Mm-hmm.
Oh!
Oh, God.
So, how did the date go?
I've already repressed the memory.
You owe me big time for this.
Absolutely. You are
gonna get a huge mention
in my rook acceptance speech,
unless they play me
off before I get to you.
So, how did you leave things?
He said he was gonna call me tomorrow.
Eric, I cannot go out
with this freak again!
I had pancakes for dinner!
In what world is that a bad thing?
Get out of my house. Wait...
how did you get in my house?
The less you know, the better.
And I'm thrilled
to announce that the winner of
the Mason Hotel New Artist Grant is...
Zara Sandhu.
- Oh, my God!
- I knew it, I knew it.
Holy crap, I won.
- $20,000.
- Yes.
- What are you gonna do with your half?
- Ha!
- Scotch. Scotch.
- Scotch. Scotch.
Watch your step, watch your step.
Whoa.
That's right, your Spartan hovel
is now your Spartan hovel art studio.
Everything you need to be brilliant.
Brand new paint, brushes.
I think I'm getting an art boner.
You are a winner. Now get to painting.
For art boners lasting
more than four hours,
please consult your physician.
Okay.
Start painting, winner.
Winner, winner, chicken dinner.
Chicken dinner.
Hey there.
I'm on a chicken break.
Okay.
There's nothing on the canvas.
This is my process, Stosh.
I don't tell you how to
be a giant asshat all day.
Okay, all right, but you do know
we got to turn in a
painting tomorrow, right?
I am on it.
All right. You get back to it.
Yolo.
All right.
Here we go.
Let's light this candle.
All right, why do I smell sandalwood?
Go away.
You're painting the easel.
- It looks good, right?
- The Mason Hotel
wants a painting.
They won't accept an easel.
Or... will they?
No.
They won't.
Why can't I paint?
Why can't I paint? Why?
- Why, why, why?
- Hey,
Zara, Stosh told me about the contest.
Oh! Man, what an exciting
time for both of us.
You, about to be a famous artist,
me, about to be the co-third
most important piece
on my half of the chess board.
We're the spotlight.
Stakes couldn't be higher. All eyes on us.
We fail, we fail in
front of the whole world.
Well, good luck.
Oh, that's why.
Hey, Caryn.
Aah! Stop being in my house.
I was just checking in.
How are things going with you and Carl?
- Mm, fine.
- Yeah?
Got another date coming up, or...
Not exactly, no.
What? Hey, you didn't
turn him down, did you?
This isn't a done deal for me yet, Caryn.
I did not turn him down.
Well then, what?
Oh, God.
- He hasn't called you?
- No.
- Has he texted you?
- No.
- Have you texted him?
- Yes.
- What did you text?
- Smiley face yesterday,
winky face today. No response.
This is bad. This is so bad.
Wait. Maybe he's dead.
No such luck. I happened to walk
by Tech Town, where he works...
- In Staten Island?
- Mm. Two buses
and a ferry, what of it? He was in there.
So he's alive and he hasn't called you?
He's blowing you off. Caryn, you told me
the date went good. Why is he blowing you off?
- I don't know.
- This is horrible.
- I'm no happier about it than you are, pal.
What do you care? You didn't even like him.
I didn't like him. And then he blew me off,
and now I do like him.
Don't you understand?
This is my disease. Ugh.
And it makes no sense.
How does a guy like that blow me off?
I was a great date.
I even told him that funny story
from hygienist school...
you know the one...
the one where the teacher
keeps calling me Goldfarm
instead of Goldfarb all year?
That's a terrible story.
- You told me you liked it.
- I was being polite.
- Can't you read a room?
- Eric. Eric, wait.
No, Eric, Eric, please,
you have to call him.
No. You're only gonna make it worse.
One more date. Ask him.
No. I might still be okay
here. He asked me to fix him up
and I did. It's not my
fault you're a giant snooze.
Tell him I'll put out. All the bases.
All right.
I like what I'm seeing.
How we doing? You almost finished?
- Pretty much.
- Awesome.
What the hell is that?
I tried going back to the basics.
This is the "Draw Me" turtle
from the matchbook ads. See?
- This sucks.
- I know.
Zara, come on, work with me
here, all right? We got to
turn in a painting tonight.
Please, be a professional.
That's the problem...
I am not a professional.
I am just a person and I like to paint,
but I can't do it with all of these people
just watching over me and expecting some
brilliance out of me.
You messed with my head,
just so you could get 25% of the money.
Well, I thought we settled on
35, but that's not the point.
I can't do it. Just...
There's too much pressure.
Just call the...
the hotel people and tell them that I...
I can't do it.
Fine.
Fine. You know...
You want to blow the best damn
opportunity you've ever had,
then you go right ahead.
It's ringing.
I thought you were my rep.
Hey, Rachel.
Stosh Lewandoski.
Yeah, hi. Uh, well...
not-not so good, actually.
Listen, I know it's the 11th hour, but, uh,
unfortunately, Zara's got to drop out.
Yeah, I know, I know. I know,
I'm sorry, but she's just
got some personal stuff going on.
Okay. All right, thank you.
Well, I... Thank you very much. Bye.
- Sorry I let you down.
- No, no.
Nah, it's my fault.
You know, I didn't get you till now.
You don't paint for the
world, you paint for yourself.
You know, it's a personal
expression of your own
isolation and loneliness.
Just you, in your own
dark little universe.
It-It's okay.
You're back there now.
Two hours should do it.
Knight to king bishop four.
Carl.
Hey, how you doing?
Fine, thanks.
So, uh, this time next
week you're gonna be king?
- Pawn to queen's rook three.
- That's pretty exciting.
Yes, it is.
And, uh, I guess I'll be... I mean,
were you-were you still thinking
about making me a rook, or...
Rook to king five.
- Excuse me.
- Sorry.
Caryn?
Carl. Oh, my God, hi.
That's right, you do this
whole human chess thing too.
What a dummy, I forgot. How are you?
Are you stalking me?
- Stalking you?
- Pawn
- to bishop three.
- Me, stalking you? Yeah, okay,
I'm stalking you. I am stalking you.
I know. I saw you crouching in the bushes
- outside of Tech Town.
- Why are you
ignoring me? You said you had a great time.
You said you were gonna call me.
Rook to queen's knight five.
Wait.
What are you doing?
Get back to your square.
Yeah, yeah, in a second. I just... I need
to know why you didn't call me back.
Was it the Goldfarm story?
Because I realized after...
I never got to the funniest part.
The part is that...
Caryn, you need to get back
- to knight three right now.
- No. Carl,
please, come over tonight
and I'll make you dinner.
Oh, hey, you like a nice
brisket? What did she
just say about a dinner?
You told me you were
- through with her.
- I am. She just showed up here.
Okay, missy, this does not concern you.
I think it does. I'm his
girlfriend. We had a fight
last week and he just went out
with you to make me jealous.
You went out with me to make her jealous?
You literally used me as a pawn?
I thought that was
rather elegant, actually.
That was not nice, Carl.
Caryn's a good person.
And she's very emotionally fragile.
Go back to your square. No one wants you
- on this part of the board.
- Oh, no, you did not.
Bring it.
No, Caryn, no. Get off... Get off her.
You get your hands off her, Carl.
Bishops don't move that way.
I'm filing a formal complaint.
Come on! Ugh.
There will be disqualifications.
Oh, wow.
Great work, babe.
All right, let's go.
Where are we going?
To the Mason. They're waiting for this.
We quit. You called the fancy lady.
No, no, I called Mr.
Fong. He does my shirts.
He was very confused. Very confused.
Wai-Wait, wait, seriously?
Wait, Stosh, wait up.
Aah!
Eric, I told you, I'm sorry.
A checker. I'm demoted to
a checker for six months.
Are you happy now?
Checkers can be fun. They
get to jump over each other.
- Don't you dare take her side.
- You know, I really
like what you did here with the
smiley face. It's very artistic.
Happens to be my field.
I'd like to rep you.
Uh, I don't make the
smiley faces. Pancho does.
I don't care, I'd still like to rep you.
Can't cut my pancakes.
Oh, okay, all right, okay, all right, okay.
I should have been a rook.
- Whoa! Whoa!
- Excuse me.
Guess that means more pancakes for us.
Mysterious Lady of the East.
Queen of the Ganges.
Our very own Taj Mahottie.
And good racist morning to you.
Wow, that's really good.
You convey such despair.
Thank you.
No, I mean it.
It's really, really good.
You know, it's, uh, it's a crime
that you sell that on
the street for peanuts.
It should be hanging in galleries.
- Mm.
- You know?
It's too good to waste on poor people.
Again, thank you, but I'm fine.
What are you doing up this early?
Usually, you don't emerge
from your bat cave till mid-afternoon.
Yeah, I brought home this waitress
from Dugan's last night,
and she stumbled out of here pretty early.
Figured I'd be a gentleman
- and pretend to be asleep until she left.
- Oh.
That's who that was.
I thought you were being robbed
by the ghost of Eleanor Roosevelt.
Hmm.
Yeah, I can see that.
You know, I'm just
not in the right head lately, you know?
I mean, no job, no focus.
Six weeks ago, I'm top sales rep,
living in a phat condo
in Gotham, and now...
Da, da-da, dah!
I live with this.
So? How do I look?
You look very cute, Eric,
but, um, what the hell?
Say hello to Lord Bartholomew Gullswallow,
esteemed Knight in the Queens
County Human Chess League.
Ah.
We play every other Sunday
at Flushing Meadow Park.
Oh, you know what?
You guys should come and watch some time.
It's pretty exciting.
More exciting than regular chess?!
As a matter of fact, yes.
It's regular chess with
human-sized thrills.
- Gullswallow!
- Ah!
Good morrow, my liege.
You're not gonna believe our cab driver.
He actually is convinced
that Viswanathan Anand
and Koneru Humpy should
be ranked above Karpov.
What?!
He's probably drunk.
Anyway, come on, let's go.
Ugh. I am so frickin' late for work
again.
Oh!
Ah.
I'm guessing you two are together.
Lord Nathaniel Reginald Derwintwatter.
Or, if you prefer, you may call me "Carl."
I prefer to go scrape teeth.
Scrape away.
Scrape away.
Rook to king-3.
What a game, huh?!
Classic Latvian gambit.
With all that that implies.
Hey, how's your grandfather?
He's been on his feet all morning.
I invented the thumb tack!
He's in bad shape.
Poor man can't even castle anymore
without getting winded.
Can you keep a secret?
Pawn to bishop-3.
He's retiring in two weeks,
naming me the new king.
Congratulations!
Any interest in becoming
my successor as rook?
Me? A rook?
I've dreamed about it, but... Yes.
Then fix me up with your neighbor.
Ms. Nuzzolese?
No!
The one I met today. Caryn.
That honey-maned vixen whose
eyes dance with madness.
Rook to king-4.
I'm being summoned to
the queens-side assault!
I will await your response.
Until we meet again.
I want to rep you!
- I have a whistle.
- No, I want to rep you.
- Represent you as an artist.
- Oh!
Did seem strange that you
would give me a heads-up.
Look, you need a
representative. I can do this.
What do you know about art?
Hey, I may not know what
I like, but I know art.
You see what I did there?
Look, you're a great
artist, I'm a great salesman.
Come on, we can do this!
Thank you, um, but I am doing fine here.
Look, the Mason Hotel
is having a competition
for up-and-coming artists, all right?
The winner gets $20,000 to paint
a new work for the hotel lobby.
I want to enter you in this.
No, I am not good enough.
I see that no, and I'll raise you a yes.
If they don't accept you,
it's like it never
happened, but if they do,
and you win, you're $20,000 richer,
minus my industry-standard
commission of 25%,
which you could look up, but I wouldn't.
Yet again, no.
- So, just to same-page it, yes?
- No!
Great. You know what? They need
to see a sample of your work.
- I'll take this thing.
- What?! Hey!
That is $100!
Take it out of my 30% commission!
- Please?!
- Ew! No!
I am not gonna date that stupid bishop guy.
He's a rook!
I would never set you up with a bishop.
That's disgusting.
And besides,
he's gonna be king in, like, two weeks.
You're always saying
how you want to marry a successful man.
Can't do better than a king, right?
Right, but I can do better
than a dweeb who dresses
up like a chess piece.
Aren't you gonna say "no offense"?
No.
Look at me.
I have been a knight for ten years,
and it has been my privilege.
But a knight is forever relegated
to move in an L-shape pattern.
One up, two over.
Two up, one over.
One back, two over.
- Two back...
- What's your point?!
My point is, I got a chance to be a rook!
A rook can travel the entire
length of the board in one move!
Bet it feels like you're
soaring on the clouds of heaven.
Or walking ten feet in
a bad Halloween costume.
That's not funny!
All right, 'cause this is my life!
This is not a game!
Okay, I'll go out with your weirdo friend.
Yeah?
I will not sleep with him.
Ah, you may not want to say that.
Get a good look at him in his tights?
Oh. What's up, freakies?
Guess what. Caryn's gonna go
out with my friend, the rook.
Really? Always thought
you'd end up with a dreidel.
Where's Zara?
Very sexy. You should go
with this look more often.
What you want, Stosh?
What would you say if
I told you you're one of
the top five finalists for the
Mason Hotel art competition?
I would say that you're
a lying son of a bitch.
At this moment, I am
merely a son of a bitch.
No! Shut up! What?! They accepted me?!
Yeah, come on.
What, you don't think
I know what I'm doing?
Of course they accepted you.
And they're gonna have
a reception this Saturday
where they're gonna meet the
artists and pick the winner.
Plus, open bar.
- Aah! Thank you so much, Stosh!
- Uh-huh. You're welcome.
- Oh.
- Oh. Wow. Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Thank you.
Look you'll get the
recognition you deserve,
and I'm gonna get my 35%
commission, so, it's a win-win.
Need help getting out of that thing?
- No, I'm good.
- Okay.
Oh.
A rook can travel the
entire length of the board
in one move!
Move... move...
Move... move...
The entire length of
the board in one move...
Move... move... move...
A rook... a rook... a rook...
Get off the chess board, you freak!
That's right. Keep going.
See, the fascinating thing
about noise-cancelling headphones...
and I spend half my day at Tech
Town explaining this to people...
is that they work by emanating
sound waves in the exact frequency
of the ambient noise, but in 180 degree
opposition to it. Huh?
I wish I had a pair right now.
If you play your cards right,
you may have a pair draped
across your head later tonight.
Annette. I didn't know
you were working tonight.
This is, uh, Caryn, my date.
Hi.
Sorry, I can't talk right now.
I'm swamped. Another waitress
just deep-fried her hand.
She's a pawn on our human chess team.
Her en passant is an embarrassment.
I don't know what that means.
Huh. Thought they buried
that with Liberace.
You know Liberace was gay?
Do not repeat.
Holy Buddha's nipples!
I've never seen one of my
paintings lit professionally.
It looks so good.
Now, look, you are amazing,
all right? You can do this.
You can walk out of here
a commissioned artist
earning $20,000, minus my 40%.
You just got to dance the dance a little.
Hey, for $20,000, I'll dance
in a G-string and pasties.
Actually, I have, and for much less.
- We should revisit that subject.
- Okay.
Your work has
such fascinating complexity.
Yes, it is lousy
with fascinating complexity, isn't it?
Where did you grow up, Zara?
- Yonkers.
- Mumbai.
Well, eventually
Yonkers, but not until she had survived
a harrowing childhood
on the streets of Mumbai,
keeping her two younger brothers
out of the hands
of the vicious Vindaloo cartel.
Goodness. How did you manage that?
Oh, um, I hid them in the Caves of...
Gupta.
Gupta is lousy with caves. Scotch?
Scotch?
So, our only chance of escape was to hide
in the wheel well of the plane.
It was freezing, but the promise of America
and her freedom kept
my brother and I alive.
I thought you said you
had a second brother.
Oh.
He was upgraded to coach.
Yeah, still, a terrible ordeal.
No money for headphones...
I believe there was a crying baby
- nearby, so...
- Mm-hmm.
Oh!
Oh, God.
So, how did the date go?
I've already repressed the memory.
You owe me big time for this.
Absolutely. You are
gonna get a huge mention
in my rook acceptance speech,
unless they play me
off before I get to you.
So, how did you leave things?
He said he was gonna call me tomorrow.
Eric, I cannot go out
with this freak again!
I had pancakes for dinner!
In what world is that a bad thing?
Get out of my house. Wait...
how did you get in my house?
The less you know, the better.
And I'm thrilled
to announce that the winner of
the Mason Hotel New Artist Grant is...
Zara Sandhu.
- Oh, my God!
- I knew it, I knew it.
Holy crap, I won.
- $20,000.
- Yes.
- What are you gonna do with your half?
- Ha!
- Scotch. Scotch.
- Scotch. Scotch.
Watch your step, watch your step.
Whoa.
That's right, your Spartan hovel
is now your Spartan hovel art studio.
Everything you need to be brilliant.
Brand new paint, brushes.
I think I'm getting an art boner.
You are a winner. Now get to painting.
For art boners lasting
more than four hours,
please consult your physician.
Okay.
Start painting, winner.
Winner, winner, chicken dinner.
Chicken dinner.
Hey there.
I'm on a chicken break.
Okay.
There's nothing on the canvas.
This is my process, Stosh.
I don't tell you how to
be a giant asshat all day.
Okay, all right, but you do know
we got to turn in a
painting tomorrow, right?
I am on it.
All right. You get back to it.
Yolo.
All right.
Here we go.
Let's light this candle.
All right, why do I smell sandalwood?
Go away.
You're painting the easel.
- It looks good, right?
- The Mason Hotel
wants a painting.
They won't accept an easel.
Or... will they?
No.
They won't.
Why can't I paint?
Why can't I paint? Why?
- Why, why, why?
- Hey,
Zara, Stosh told me about the contest.
Oh! Man, what an exciting
time for both of us.
You, about to be a famous artist,
me, about to be the co-third
most important piece
on my half of the chess board.
We're the spotlight.
Stakes couldn't be higher. All eyes on us.
We fail, we fail in
front of the whole world.
Well, good luck.
Oh, that's why.
Hey, Caryn.
Aah! Stop being in my house.
I was just checking in.
How are things going with you and Carl?
- Mm, fine.
- Yeah?
Got another date coming up, or...
Not exactly, no.
What? Hey, you didn't
turn him down, did you?
This isn't a done deal for me yet, Caryn.
I did not turn him down.
Well then, what?
Oh, God.
- He hasn't called you?
- No.
- Has he texted you?
- No.
- Have you texted him?
- Yes.
- What did you text?
- Smiley face yesterday,
winky face today. No response.
This is bad. This is so bad.
Wait. Maybe he's dead.
No such luck. I happened to walk
by Tech Town, where he works...
- In Staten Island?
- Mm. Two buses
and a ferry, what of it? He was in there.
So he's alive and he hasn't called you?
He's blowing you off. Caryn, you told me
the date went good. Why is he blowing you off?
- I don't know.
- This is horrible.
- I'm no happier about it than you are, pal.
What do you care? You didn't even like him.
I didn't like him. And then he blew me off,
and now I do like him.
Don't you understand?
This is my disease. Ugh.
And it makes no sense.
How does a guy like that blow me off?
I was a great date.
I even told him that funny story
from hygienist school...
you know the one...
the one where the teacher
keeps calling me Goldfarm
instead of Goldfarb all year?
That's a terrible story.
- You told me you liked it.
- I was being polite.
- Can't you read a room?
- Eric. Eric, wait.
No, Eric, Eric, please,
you have to call him.
No. You're only gonna make it worse.
One more date. Ask him.
No. I might still be okay
here. He asked me to fix him up
and I did. It's not my
fault you're a giant snooze.
Tell him I'll put out. All the bases.
All right.
I like what I'm seeing.
How we doing? You almost finished?
- Pretty much.
- Awesome.
What the hell is that?
I tried going back to the basics.
This is the "Draw Me" turtle
from the matchbook ads. See?
- This sucks.
- I know.
Zara, come on, work with me
here, all right? We got to
turn in a painting tonight.
Please, be a professional.
That's the problem...
I am not a professional.
I am just a person and I like to paint,
but I can't do it with all of these people
just watching over me and expecting some
brilliance out of me.
You messed with my head,
just so you could get 25% of the money.
Well, I thought we settled on
35, but that's not the point.
I can't do it. Just...
There's too much pressure.
Just call the...
the hotel people and tell them that I...
I can't do it.
Fine.
Fine. You know...
You want to blow the best damn
opportunity you've ever had,
then you go right ahead.
It's ringing.
I thought you were my rep.
Hey, Rachel.
Stosh Lewandoski.
Yeah, hi. Uh, well...
not-not so good, actually.
Listen, I know it's the 11th hour, but, uh,
unfortunately, Zara's got to drop out.
Yeah, I know, I know. I know,
I'm sorry, but she's just
got some personal stuff going on.
Okay. All right, thank you.
Well, I... Thank you very much. Bye.
- Sorry I let you down.
- No, no.
Nah, it's my fault.
You know, I didn't get you till now.
You don't paint for the
world, you paint for yourself.
You know, it's a personal
expression of your own
isolation and loneliness.
Just you, in your own
dark little universe.
It-It's okay.
You're back there now.
Two hours should do it.
Knight to king bishop four.
Carl.
Hey, how you doing?
Fine, thanks.
So, uh, this time next
week you're gonna be king?
- Pawn to queen's rook three.
- That's pretty exciting.
Yes, it is.
And, uh, I guess I'll be... I mean,
were you-were you still thinking
about making me a rook, or...
Rook to king five.
- Excuse me.
- Sorry.
Caryn?
Carl. Oh, my God, hi.
That's right, you do this
whole human chess thing too.
What a dummy, I forgot. How are you?
Are you stalking me?
- Stalking you?
- Pawn
- to bishop three.
- Me, stalking you? Yeah, okay,
I'm stalking you. I am stalking you.
I know. I saw you crouching in the bushes
- outside of Tech Town.
- Why are you
ignoring me? You said you had a great time.
You said you were gonna call me.
Rook to queen's knight five.
Wait.
What are you doing?
Get back to your square.
Yeah, yeah, in a second. I just... I need
to know why you didn't call me back.
Was it the Goldfarm story?
Because I realized after...
I never got to the funniest part.
The part is that...
Caryn, you need to get back
- to knight three right now.
- No. Carl,
please, come over tonight
and I'll make you dinner.
Oh, hey, you like a nice
brisket? What did she
just say about a dinner?
You told me you were
- through with her.
- I am. She just showed up here.
Okay, missy, this does not concern you.
I think it does. I'm his
girlfriend. We had a fight
last week and he just went out
with you to make me jealous.
You went out with me to make her jealous?
You literally used me as a pawn?
I thought that was
rather elegant, actually.
That was not nice, Carl.
Caryn's a good person.
And she's very emotionally fragile.
Go back to your square. No one wants you
- on this part of the board.
- Oh, no, you did not.
Bring it.
No, Caryn, no. Get off... Get off her.
You get your hands off her, Carl.
Bishops don't move that way.
I'm filing a formal complaint.
Come on! Ugh.
There will be disqualifications.
Oh, wow.
Great work, babe.
All right, let's go.
Where are we going?
To the Mason. They're waiting for this.
We quit. You called the fancy lady.
No, no, I called Mr.
Fong. He does my shirts.
He was very confused. Very confused.
Wai-Wait, wait, seriously?
Wait, Stosh, wait up.
Aah!
Eric, I told you, I'm sorry.
A checker. I'm demoted to
a checker for six months.
Are you happy now?
Checkers can be fun. They
get to jump over each other.
- Don't you dare take her side.
- You know, I really
like what you did here with the
smiley face. It's very artistic.
Happens to be my field.
I'd like to rep you.
Uh, I don't make the
smiley faces. Pancho does.
I don't care, I'd still like to rep you.
Can't cut my pancakes.
Oh, okay, all right, okay, all right, okay.
I should have been a rook.
- Whoa! Whoa!
- Excuse me.
Guess that means more pancakes for us.