Weird Loners (2015): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Weirdfather - full transcript
Eric goes with Stosh when he visits his 12-year-old son for the first time.
Welcome to Smigus-Dyngus!
It's my favorite Polish family holiday.
As you know,
this is a bittersweet Dyngus for me.
Uh, it's my first one
without my mom or my pop.
But I am happy
to be reunited
with Stosh, Mmm.
My kuzyn,
and now I have two wonderful new friends.
So it is the dawn of a new Dyngus.
Let's get our Dyngus on, people.
Oh, uh, first a toast.
Uh, as our Grandma Tekla
used to say...
Guys, stop.
And scene.
What?!
Welcome to our reenactment
of every Lewandoski family gathering ever.
It's-it's a heavy wall. She can't get out.
♪ He's leaving ♪
♪ Leaving ♪
♪ On that midnight train to Georgia ♪
♪ Leaving on that midnight train ♪
♪ To Georgia ♪
♪ Hey... ♪
♪ Let it all out ♪
♪ Shake, shout ♪
♪ Shake, shake, shake, shout ♪
♪ Turn up now before you pop... ♪
That's not Polish.
It's Pole... ish.
Look at us, guys.
We're like a family now.
I mean, maybe someday
when we all have children,
I can share my Dyngus with them, too.
Zara, can we borrow the
van for a couple hours?
Sure thing, Butch.
Oh!
Got 'em.
- Hmm.
- Good-bye.
And what's my Oscar the Grouch puppet doing
- in this trash can?
- Come on.
♪ Night... ♪ Let's get in the van.
Uh-oh.
Someone broke in and added
more stairs to our house.
Hey, which one of us
should be the "drover"?
The sober one should be the "drover."
Where are we heading?
To see my son.
Awesome.
Let's do it.
Wait, you have a son?
Get in!
Get up!
What happened?
You made me laugh.
I pierogied my pants.
I just can't get over it.
You have an actual son?
Which means I have an actual
first cousin once-removed.
Huh! Where does this end?
Probably right there.
Tell me all about him.
Like, everything... I
want to know every detail.
I knocked up a cocktail
waitress when I was 23.
She had the kid but said I couldn't see him
because I was an irresponsible douche bag.
Which I was.
And so I didn't.
That's every detail.
Wow.
Tell it again.
I knocked up a cocktail
waitress when I was 23.
She had the kid but said I couldn't see him
because I was an irresponsible douche bag.
Love that part.
So I always wanted a cat, but it turned out
that my father was allergic to cats.
So they got me a turtle instead.
But then it turned out
that the turtle was allergic
to my father, and it died. Weird, right?
Did you ever have a cat?
I wanted one, but the
sultan forbade felines
within the palace walls,
so I had to play with the slaves.
I actually have no idea if you're kidding.
I am,
but your story's still weirder, nutcase.
Oh, I am so glad we became
Dyngus sisters tonight.
Mmm.
The Dyngus bring us together.
- Ow.
- Ooh, "ow" can be our safeword.
Ow.
Yep.
Wake up.
- Clear history!
- Shh-shh-shh.
This is his school.
Oh, man.
He's in there somewhere.
Mm-hmm.
You excited?
Yeah, I am.
You know, the Dyngus party
really got me thinking.
I got a son, Eric.
He should know that his own
father cares about him, right?
Well, definitely, he should know.
And he will know.
Here, go give him this 50.
What, you don't want to meet him?
I told you... I can't, all right?
Just go on, give him the 50.
Actually, you know what?
Make it a hundred.
I only got one kid, right?
Actually, that might not be right.
How do I find him? Like,
what's he look like?
I don't know.
Cavelli... last name's Cavelli.
I'll do the old fake cough routine.
Cavelli? Cavelli?
Damn it.
It sounds like I'm actually coughing.
Does it?
Cavelli.
Oh, hey.
Regina, hey, how are you this morning?
What the hell are you doing here?
Look, I'm not trying to
see the kid, all right?
I'm just dropping off an anonymous gift.
Don't make a big stink about
it... I've done it before.
Uh, yeah, I know, Stosh.
And I know it's you who throws a brick
through our window every Christmas.
With a gift attached, yeah.
And a second brick
with a receipt in case he doesn't like it.
- Cavelli.
- Can I help you?
Indeed, you can, Officer.
I am looking for one beautiful young boy
who might want to go home
with a hundred dollars.
Look, just knock it off with
the drive-by gifting, huh?
- It's stupid.
- What else you want me to do?
You won't let me see him.
Oh, like you even want to see him.
- I do want to see him.
- Yeah, right.
- Yeah, right.
- Okay, fine.
Okay, fine. What?
Take him, go ahead.
Try to be an actual parent
for a couple of days.
Meet me here at 3:00.
- Stosh!
- 3:00.
Stosh, help me!
So, Frank.
Sorry we haven't done this
sooner, but you know how it is.
I've been busy, I'm
sure you've been slammed.
The important thing is... we're here now.
You know, we got two whole
days to get to know each other.
Wh-Why don't you kick it off, huh?
Tell me about yourself.
You got any hobbies?
Yeah, I'm a frickin' ballerina.
Okay, I'll kick it off.
I'm in the dental sales field.
I was a sales rep for
a dental products firm
called Sunny Smile.
We sold, uh, non-acrylic
teeth-whitening products
to dentists and commercial retailers.
Currently, I'm exploring
opportunities in other fields.
Wow, that was worth the 12-year wait.
Okay.
Okay, I think we need to
address the elephant in the room.
You're angry with me.
I'm your father, and I
wasn't a part of your life.
I left you high and dry.
And you probably see other kids out there
playing with their dads,
you know, maybe playing a game of catch
or getting an ice cream cone.
And it hurts like a bitch, doesn't it?
I know. Believe me,
I get it.
I get it.
So, we good?
Hey.
I am so glad you're home.
I pierogied, and I can't get up.
I... got you something.
- What is it?
- It's a card.
A greeting card.
Here, let me.
I mean, I know how they work,
but what's the occasion?
Nothing, really.
I just had a few thoughts on
you and me and our friendship.
- Oh.
- Here.
- Oh.
- You can read it.
Holy crap.
I had taken an Adderall,
but it is all from the heart.
Wow.
Caryn, do you mind if I read this later
so that I can really...
not read it right now?
Oh, yeah, totally, absolutely.
Great.
So can I just tell you what it says?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Here's the thing...
I have always had terrible
luck with friendships.
A lot of my female friends
have either gotten married
or hated me.
Terrible luck.
And last night, when we were on the stairs,
I just felt like we had a real connection.
- We did, right?
- Yeah.
- Fourth stair club...!
- Oh...
Oh.
So, anyway, here's the thing.
I just wanted to tell
you that I'm really happy
you're in my life, and
last night was a lot of fun,
and I can't wait to do it again soon.
- Yeah, me, too.
- When?
- When what?
- When can we do it again?
- Um...
- Because I was thinking, tonight,
you and me can hang out
and I can make tacos.
I just got a coupon for shells.
That sounds great.
Great, okay. I'm gonna go shopping.
I have such a good feeling
about our friendship.
Just don't go getting married on me.
Okay.
Seriously, don't.
Okay.
Okay.
Hey, is your mom still dancing
down at the...?
Never mind.
Here we go.
Found some items in the
basement a young fellow
like you might find entertaining.
We got Trouble.
The game, that is.
Ah, you know what?
I think the Pop-O-Matic bubble's gone.
I used it in a lung transplant
when I was playing Operation.
He didn't make it.
Ooh!
Movies.
Bambi... hmm, sad and scary but good.
Thumbelina...
oh, off the charts, scary-wise.
Memphis Belle, Godfather...
You know what? Let's do The Godfather.
Have you seen The Godfather?
No.
Where's it rank scary-wise,
compared to Thumbelina?
Not even close.
We lost enough money last week on the game.
Carlo, come here, come
here, come here, come here.
So, what do you think?
If I could go back in time,
I would re-enter my mother's womb,
pop out again, spend every second
of my life watching this movie.
I respect that choice.
I take it back.
I don't want to watch the movie.
I want to live in it.
I want to be Sonny Corleone.
There's a scene coming up that
might make you change your mind.
Stosh?
I really think this is a little too scary
for Frank to be watching.
You touch my sister again, I'll kill you.
Oh, my God!
Again?
Crank her up!
Oh, God.
Hi!
I have
such a big surprise for you!
Something's happening.
Remember how yesterday on the
stairs we were talking about
how we both always wanted
cats when we were growing up?
Well... ta-da!
Outside the grocery store was this
pet adoption thing, which was kismet,
so I got us a cat and named it...
Kismet!
Kismet,
meet Zara.
Now, the guy said to
let him out very slowly
and let him sniff out his environment.
Yeah. Oh! Oh! Wait! No!
Ooh.
I guess Kismet wasn't meant to be.
Hey, Luca Brasi's about to get whacked.
You're gonna miss it.
All right. You know what?
I think it's time we called it a night.
No, no. Not yet.
I want to see Apollonia get
blown to bits one more time.
You said that three car bombs ago.
Now, come on. Don't work me.
You got school tomorrow.
Lay down.
School bites.
Can you take me to Kiddie World instead?
The strip club? It's fully
nude. There's no booze.
Not Kitty World. Kiddie World.
It's an amusement park.
Why the hell would you want to go there?
I'm 12, you ass.
Okay. I'll take you to Kiddie World.
All right, now, come on.
Try to get some sleep, huh?
- Good night, kid.
- Good night, Dad.
How long you been standing there?
Long enough
to hear a boy and his father
have a very special moment.
He called you Dad.
No, no. No, no, no.
He called me dude.
It's like all my Dyngus
dreams are coming true.
All right, you know what?
Now you're bugging me.
I'm gonna get some fresh air.
Next year, we're gonna have a huge Dyngus.
Why are you sitting in there?
It's Taco Tuesday.
Oh, yeah?
Am I very early or very late?
You don't know what's
going on in that house.
There's a Jewish woman
cooking Mexican food,
singing "Mambo Italiano."
I had to run away.
I hear you.
I got two people up there
acting like we're family
just 'cause we're related to each other.
What is with people?
You share one nice moment with them,
and then suddenly they want to have
more nice moments, like, all the time.
- It's a sickness.
- Yes.
Thank you. It is a sickness.
And it's a trap.
'Cause if you have more
nice moments with them,
eventually they'll figure
out what a worthless
piece of crap you are, and
then what do you got, right?
Emotional commitment to other human beings.
My number one pet peeve.
Well, that and Capri pants.
Really?
I think they're a breezy summer look.
You would.
Caryn video-calling me.
Guess I got to do what I got to do.
Hi!
Hi! Whoa!
Where are you?
Craziest thing! I went to visit
a friend of mine on his boat,
and we were out on the river,
and then the fog rolled in.
Now we're 20 klicks off
course and the river patrol...
Oh, my God! He's calling a code 12!
What?! Oh, my goodness!
Well, the most important thing
is that you stay safe.
Yeah.
And that you make it back for Taco Tuesday.
Oh! The wind's picking up.
Lower the mizzen mast!
Oh, shoot. I got to go
lower the mizzen mast.
Bye.
Iceberg right ahead!
- I hung up.
- Oh.
Okay! Anyone who's excited to go
to Kiddie Land with their dad today,
raise his hand.
Who are you?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, it's Stosh.
I thought he was down here with you.
Hey!
Aw, hey, Frank. Damnedest thing.
I got a phone call late last night
to come down here to
Philly for a job interview.
I would've told you, but
I didn't want to wake you.
I won't be home till late tonight
after your mom picks you up.
But I bet there's someone there
who would love to take you to Kiddie World!
First cousin once removed Eric
Lewandoski at your service.
Sure.
All right, have fun.
See you when I see you.
So this is what I was thinking.
Before we get on any rides,
we grab a couple churros,
and we take the Kiddie World
Choo-Choo around the park.
You know, just to get the lay of the land.
You think my dad was lying
about that job interview?
You know, to avoid hanging out with me?
What? No! No, he wouldn't do that.
Anyway, after that choo-choo,
Alpine Thunder, Death
Plunge, Spinning Sisters,
Goliath's Chariot and then Satan's Revenge.
Awesome!
Awesome!
Gonna be so awesome.
Hey!
You made it.
Oh, yeah.
Ooh, that was really scary.
That boat experience...
Do you think I'm an idiot?
I called river patrol.
There was no fog.
You went on a boat with
all your friends without me.
I love boats.
I would've made tacos
for everyone. Your loss.
Caryn... I wasn't on a boat at all.
I slept in my van.
- Right outside.
- What?
I didn't want to do Taco Tuesday with you.
Why not?
Do you not like tacos?
Do you not like Tuesdays?
Do you not like me?
Oh.
Wow!
Ouch!
You know what?
Maybe I should just get my stuff and go.
Fine. Go.
I don't care. Go!
Why are you still standing there? Go!
Are you actually gonna go?
Sorry we had to leave
after only 20 minutes.
Yeah, I've never seen anyone freak out
on the Kiddie World Choo-Choo before.
How bad was it?
You puked on a baby.
Well, he's young.
He won't remember.
Okay, seriously, you
are actually moving out?
Yes. I said I'm moving
out. You said, "Fine. Go."
I said it, but I didn't mean it!
That's just how Jews fight! Zara?
What is going on? Why are you doing this?
Because I don't want to
keep hurting your feelings!
I cannot be the kind of
friend that you want me to be.
I just want the friend that I had
on the stairs the other night.
Well, I can't do it on command!
I didn't command you.
I just suggested that we have Taco Tuesday.
Tuesdays! Tuesdays!
You had us eating tacos
every Tuesday until the sun burns out.
This is mine.
I just wanted a nice scheduled event,
because that's what friends do.
That's what community centers do.
Real moments between real human beings
only happen organically and spontaneously.
Well, I disagree.
But you know what? Fine.
We've had our real moment,
so now you can just run
away like that stupid cat.
You probably terrified
him on the ride home.
He was fleeing a lifetime
of Meow Chow Mondays.
Oh, yeah.
It was Frisky Feast Fridays!
Oh, I hear it now.
I don't know. It's been
a tough week, you know?
I ain't betting the Yankees anymore.
What the hell?!
Son of a bitch was lying!
I knew it! Pull over!
- Hey...
- Come here!
Hey, kid, take it easy.
- Come here! Come here!
- Would you take it easy?
Aah! God, kid!
Hey! Come on!
Whoa! Whoa! Aah!
Um, who's that kid beating
the crap out of Stosh?
His son.
Oh.
Poor Stosh.
He's one of those people that are
terrified of emotional commitment.
They run away at the
first feeling of closeness,
and they wind up hurting
the people that need them the most.
Anyhooski, what's going on with you?
Um, is that how I made you feel?
Kind of.
I'm sorry.
Oh, I'm sorry, too!
If you ever lie
about not being able to take
me to Kiddie World again,
I'll kill you.
Okay, so we're good, right?
We're good... Dad.
That's my boy!
Oh, thank God we didn't watch Scarf Ace.
You all right?
- You know, you don't look that bad.
- Thanks.
Yeah, I got this and, um,
a couple of broken ribs
from Thunderfoot over there.
Getting beat up's a good look for you.
Nice work, Frank.
So, Frank,
how are you enjoying school?
I told you.
Don't ever ask me about my business.
He never told me that.
I just met him.
Frank, where'd that cat come from?
Good night.
Hmm.
It's my favorite Polish family holiday.
As you know,
this is a bittersweet Dyngus for me.
Uh, it's my first one
without my mom or my pop.
But I am happy
to be reunited
with Stosh, Mmm.
My kuzyn,
and now I have two wonderful new friends.
So it is the dawn of a new Dyngus.
Let's get our Dyngus on, people.
Oh, uh, first a toast.
Uh, as our Grandma Tekla
used to say...
Guys, stop.
And scene.
What?!
Welcome to our reenactment
of every Lewandoski family gathering ever.
It's-it's a heavy wall. She can't get out.
♪ He's leaving ♪
♪ Leaving ♪
♪ On that midnight train to Georgia ♪
♪ Leaving on that midnight train ♪
♪ To Georgia ♪
♪ Hey... ♪
♪ Let it all out ♪
♪ Shake, shout ♪
♪ Shake, shake, shake, shout ♪
♪ Turn up now before you pop... ♪
That's not Polish.
It's Pole... ish.
Look at us, guys.
We're like a family now.
I mean, maybe someday
when we all have children,
I can share my Dyngus with them, too.
Zara, can we borrow the
van for a couple hours?
Sure thing, Butch.
Oh!
Got 'em.
- Hmm.
- Good-bye.
And what's my Oscar the Grouch puppet doing
- in this trash can?
- Come on.
♪ Night... ♪ Let's get in the van.
Uh-oh.
Someone broke in and added
more stairs to our house.
Hey, which one of us
should be the "drover"?
The sober one should be the "drover."
Where are we heading?
To see my son.
Awesome.
Let's do it.
Wait, you have a son?
Get in!
Get up!
What happened?
You made me laugh.
I pierogied my pants.
I just can't get over it.
You have an actual son?
Which means I have an actual
first cousin once-removed.
Huh! Where does this end?
Probably right there.
Tell me all about him.
Like, everything... I
want to know every detail.
I knocked up a cocktail
waitress when I was 23.
She had the kid but said I couldn't see him
because I was an irresponsible douche bag.
Which I was.
And so I didn't.
That's every detail.
Wow.
Tell it again.
I knocked up a cocktail
waitress when I was 23.
She had the kid but said I couldn't see him
because I was an irresponsible douche bag.
Love that part.
So I always wanted a cat, but it turned out
that my father was allergic to cats.
So they got me a turtle instead.
But then it turned out
that the turtle was allergic
to my father, and it died. Weird, right?
Did you ever have a cat?
I wanted one, but the
sultan forbade felines
within the palace walls,
so I had to play with the slaves.
I actually have no idea if you're kidding.
I am,
but your story's still weirder, nutcase.
Oh, I am so glad we became
Dyngus sisters tonight.
Mmm.
The Dyngus bring us together.
- Ow.
- Ooh, "ow" can be our safeword.
Ow.
Yep.
Wake up.
- Clear history!
- Shh-shh-shh.
This is his school.
Oh, man.
He's in there somewhere.
Mm-hmm.
You excited?
Yeah, I am.
You know, the Dyngus party
really got me thinking.
I got a son, Eric.
He should know that his own
father cares about him, right?
Well, definitely, he should know.
And he will know.
Here, go give him this 50.
What, you don't want to meet him?
I told you... I can't, all right?
Just go on, give him the 50.
Actually, you know what?
Make it a hundred.
I only got one kid, right?
Actually, that might not be right.
How do I find him? Like,
what's he look like?
I don't know.
Cavelli... last name's Cavelli.
I'll do the old fake cough routine.
Cavelli? Cavelli?
Damn it.
It sounds like I'm actually coughing.
Does it?
Cavelli.
Oh, hey.
Regina, hey, how are you this morning?
What the hell are you doing here?
Look, I'm not trying to
see the kid, all right?
I'm just dropping off an anonymous gift.
Don't make a big stink about
it... I've done it before.
Uh, yeah, I know, Stosh.
And I know it's you who throws a brick
through our window every Christmas.
With a gift attached, yeah.
And a second brick
with a receipt in case he doesn't like it.
- Cavelli.
- Can I help you?
Indeed, you can, Officer.
I am looking for one beautiful young boy
who might want to go home
with a hundred dollars.
Look, just knock it off with
the drive-by gifting, huh?
- It's stupid.
- What else you want me to do?
You won't let me see him.
Oh, like you even want to see him.
- I do want to see him.
- Yeah, right.
- Yeah, right.
- Okay, fine.
Okay, fine. What?
Take him, go ahead.
Try to be an actual parent
for a couple of days.
Meet me here at 3:00.
- Stosh!
- 3:00.
Stosh, help me!
So, Frank.
Sorry we haven't done this
sooner, but you know how it is.
I've been busy, I'm
sure you've been slammed.
The important thing is... we're here now.
You know, we got two whole
days to get to know each other.
Wh-Why don't you kick it off, huh?
Tell me about yourself.
You got any hobbies?
Yeah, I'm a frickin' ballerina.
Okay, I'll kick it off.
I'm in the dental sales field.
I was a sales rep for
a dental products firm
called Sunny Smile.
We sold, uh, non-acrylic
teeth-whitening products
to dentists and commercial retailers.
Currently, I'm exploring
opportunities in other fields.
Wow, that was worth the 12-year wait.
Okay.
Okay, I think we need to
address the elephant in the room.
You're angry with me.
I'm your father, and I
wasn't a part of your life.
I left you high and dry.
And you probably see other kids out there
playing with their dads,
you know, maybe playing a game of catch
or getting an ice cream cone.
And it hurts like a bitch, doesn't it?
I know. Believe me,
I get it.
I get it.
So, we good?
Hey.
I am so glad you're home.
I pierogied, and I can't get up.
I... got you something.
- What is it?
- It's a card.
A greeting card.
Here, let me.
I mean, I know how they work,
but what's the occasion?
Nothing, really.
I just had a few thoughts on
you and me and our friendship.
- Oh.
- Here.
- Oh.
- You can read it.
Holy crap.
I had taken an Adderall,
but it is all from the heart.
Wow.
Caryn, do you mind if I read this later
so that I can really...
not read it right now?
Oh, yeah, totally, absolutely.
Great.
So can I just tell you what it says?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Here's the thing...
I have always had terrible
luck with friendships.
A lot of my female friends
have either gotten married
or hated me.
Terrible luck.
And last night, when we were on the stairs,
I just felt like we had a real connection.
- We did, right?
- Yeah.
- Fourth stair club...!
- Oh...
Oh.
So, anyway, here's the thing.
I just wanted to tell
you that I'm really happy
you're in my life, and
last night was a lot of fun,
and I can't wait to do it again soon.
- Yeah, me, too.
- When?
- When what?
- When can we do it again?
- Um...
- Because I was thinking, tonight,
you and me can hang out
and I can make tacos.
I just got a coupon for shells.
That sounds great.
Great, okay. I'm gonna go shopping.
I have such a good feeling
about our friendship.
Just don't go getting married on me.
Okay.
Seriously, don't.
Okay.
Okay.
Hey, is your mom still dancing
down at the...?
Never mind.
Here we go.
Found some items in the
basement a young fellow
like you might find entertaining.
We got Trouble.
The game, that is.
Ah, you know what?
I think the Pop-O-Matic bubble's gone.
I used it in a lung transplant
when I was playing Operation.
He didn't make it.
Ooh!
Movies.
Bambi... hmm, sad and scary but good.
Thumbelina...
oh, off the charts, scary-wise.
Memphis Belle, Godfather...
You know what? Let's do The Godfather.
Have you seen The Godfather?
No.
Where's it rank scary-wise,
compared to Thumbelina?
Not even close.
We lost enough money last week on the game.
Carlo, come here, come
here, come here, come here.
So, what do you think?
If I could go back in time,
I would re-enter my mother's womb,
pop out again, spend every second
of my life watching this movie.
I respect that choice.
I take it back.
I don't want to watch the movie.
I want to live in it.
I want to be Sonny Corleone.
There's a scene coming up that
might make you change your mind.
Stosh?
I really think this is a little too scary
for Frank to be watching.
You touch my sister again, I'll kill you.
Oh, my God!
Again?
Crank her up!
Oh, God.
Hi!
I have
such a big surprise for you!
Something's happening.
Remember how yesterday on the
stairs we were talking about
how we both always wanted
cats when we were growing up?
Well... ta-da!
Outside the grocery store was this
pet adoption thing, which was kismet,
so I got us a cat and named it...
Kismet!
Kismet,
meet Zara.
Now, the guy said to
let him out very slowly
and let him sniff out his environment.
Yeah. Oh! Oh! Wait! No!
Ooh.
I guess Kismet wasn't meant to be.
Hey, Luca Brasi's about to get whacked.
You're gonna miss it.
All right. You know what?
I think it's time we called it a night.
No, no. Not yet.
I want to see Apollonia get
blown to bits one more time.
You said that three car bombs ago.
Now, come on. Don't work me.
You got school tomorrow.
Lay down.
School bites.
Can you take me to Kiddie World instead?
The strip club? It's fully
nude. There's no booze.
Not Kitty World. Kiddie World.
It's an amusement park.
Why the hell would you want to go there?
I'm 12, you ass.
Okay. I'll take you to Kiddie World.
All right, now, come on.
Try to get some sleep, huh?
- Good night, kid.
- Good night, Dad.
How long you been standing there?
Long enough
to hear a boy and his father
have a very special moment.
He called you Dad.
No, no. No, no, no.
He called me dude.
It's like all my Dyngus
dreams are coming true.
All right, you know what?
Now you're bugging me.
I'm gonna get some fresh air.
Next year, we're gonna have a huge Dyngus.
Why are you sitting in there?
It's Taco Tuesday.
Oh, yeah?
Am I very early or very late?
You don't know what's
going on in that house.
There's a Jewish woman
cooking Mexican food,
singing "Mambo Italiano."
I had to run away.
I hear you.
I got two people up there
acting like we're family
just 'cause we're related to each other.
What is with people?
You share one nice moment with them,
and then suddenly they want to have
more nice moments, like, all the time.
- It's a sickness.
- Yes.
Thank you. It is a sickness.
And it's a trap.
'Cause if you have more
nice moments with them,
eventually they'll figure
out what a worthless
piece of crap you are, and
then what do you got, right?
Emotional commitment to other human beings.
My number one pet peeve.
Well, that and Capri pants.
Really?
I think they're a breezy summer look.
You would.
Caryn video-calling me.
Guess I got to do what I got to do.
Hi!
Hi! Whoa!
Where are you?
Craziest thing! I went to visit
a friend of mine on his boat,
and we were out on the river,
and then the fog rolled in.
Now we're 20 klicks off
course and the river patrol...
Oh, my God! He's calling a code 12!
What?! Oh, my goodness!
Well, the most important thing
is that you stay safe.
Yeah.
And that you make it back for Taco Tuesday.
Oh! The wind's picking up.
Lower the mizzen mast!
Oh, shoot. I got to go
lower the mizzen mast.
Bye.
Iceberg right ahead!
- I hung up.
- Oh.
Okay! Anyone who's excited to go
to Kiddie Land with their dad today,
raise his hand.
Who are you?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, it's Stosh.
I thought he was down here with you.
Hey!
Aw, hey, Frank. Damnedest thing.
I got a phone call late last night
to come down here to
Philly for a job interview.
I would've told you, but
I didn't want to wake you.
I won't be home till late tonight
after your mom picks you up.
But I bet there's someone there
who would love to take you to Kiddie World!
First cousin once removed Eric
Lewandoski at your service.
Sure.
All right, have fun.
See you when I see you.
So this is what I was thinking.
Before we get on any rides,
we grab a couple churros,
and we take the Kiddie World
Choo-Choo around the park.
You know, just to get the lay of the land.
You think my dad was lying
about that job interview?
You know, to avoid hanging out with me?
What? No! No, he wouldn't do that.
Anyway, after that choo-choo,
Alpine Thunder, Death
Plunge, Spinning Sisters,
Goliath's Chariot and then Satan's Revenge.
Awesome!
Awesome!
Gonna be so awesome.
Hey!
You made it.
Oh, yeah.
Ooh, that was really scary.
That boat experience...
Do you think I'm an idiot?
I called river patrol.
There was no fog.
You went on a boat with
all your friends without me.
I love boats.
I would've made tacos
for everyone. Your loss.
Caryn... I wasn't on a boat at all.
I slept in my van.
- Right outside.
- What?
I didn't want to do Taco Tuesday with you.
Why not?
Do you not like tacos?
Do you not like Tuesdays?
Do you not like me?
Oh.
Wow!
Ouch!
You know what?
Maybe I should just get my stuff and go.
Fine. Go.
I don't care. Go!
Why are you still standing there? Go!
Are you actually gonna go?
Sorry we had to leave
after only 20 minutes.
Yeah, I've never seen anyone freak out
on the Kiddie World Choo-Choo before.
How bad was it?
You puked on a baby.
Well, he's young.
He won't remember.
Okay, seriously, you
are actually moving out?
Yes. I said I'm moving
out. You said, "Fine. Go."
I said it, but I didn't mean it!
That's just how Jews fight! Zara?
What is going on? Why are you doing this?
Because I don't want to
keep hurting your feelings!
I cannot be the kind of
friend that you want me to be.
I just want the friend that I had
on the stairs the other night.
Well, I can't do it on command!
I didn't command you.
I just suggested that we have Taco Tuesday.
Tuesdays! Tuesdays!
You had us eating tacos
every Tuesday until the sun burns out.
This is mine.
I just wanted a nice scheduled event,
because that's what friends do.
That's what community centers do.
Real moments between real human beings
only happen organically and spontaneously.
Well, I disagree.
But you know what? Fine.
We've had our real moment,
so now you can just run
away like that stupid cat.
You probably terrified
him on the ride home.
He was fleeing a lifetime
of Meow Chow Mondays.
Oh, yeah.
It was Frisky Feast Fridays!
Oh, I hear it now.
I don't know. It's been
a tough week, you know?
I ain't betting the Yankees anymore.
What the hell?!
Son of a bitch was lying!
I knew it! Pull over!
- Hey...
- Come here!
Hey, kid, take it easy.
- Come here! Come here!
- Would you take it easy?
Aah! God, kid!
Hey! Come on!
Whoa! Whoa! Aah!
Um, who's that kid beating
the crap out of Stosh?
His son.
Oh.
Poor Stosh.
He's one of those people that are
terrified of emotional commitment.
They run away at the
first feeling of closeness,
and they wind up hurting
the people that need them the most.
Anyhooski, what's going on with you?
Um, is that how I made you feel?
Kind of.
I'm sorry.
Oh, I'm sorry, too!
If you ever lie
about not being able to take
me to Kiddie World again,
I'll kill you.
Okay, so we're good, right?
We're good... Dad.
That's my boy!
Oh, thank God we didn't watch Scarf Ace.
You all right?
- You know, you don't look that bad.
- Thanks.
Yeah, I got this and, um,
a couple of broken ribs
from Thunderfoot over there.
Getting beat up's a good look for you.
Nice work, Frank.
So, Frank,
how are you enjoying school?
I told you.
Don't ever ask me about my business.
He never told me that.
I just met him.
Frank, where'd that cat come from?
Good night.
Hmm.