Weird Loners (2015): Season 1, Episode 3 - Weirded Out - full transcript
Caryn and Zara discover Stosh has been using food pilfered from their kitchen to cook for them.
Mm...
Love don't see color, Mama.
Oh...
I just love the way
the sweat glistens off
your back in the sun.
Oh...
Where'd you hide the Afikoman?
- Gah!
- Who's there?!
Me.
Oh.
My therapist told me
to keep a dream journal,
so I just... I got to write this down
before I forget.
Um, cotton plantation,
Idris Elba,
Passover Seder...
Oh! Back from the market.
Dinner is at 8:00 p.m. sharp.
Dress is business casual.
Again?
Ow! Lucky us.
I'm gonna need you to
stay out of your kitchen
for the next 45 minutes.
I just stayed naked
the whole day.
Oh, my God, Stosh,
dinner is amazing.
I could not love this pasta more.
And the cheese. How do you
know all my favorite foods?
I listen and I care.
You know, he's only
been living with me for a month...
already knows everything I like.
Just the other day, I
said, "I like oatmeal."
And he said, "Yeah, I know."
Actually, you screamed it out.
- Then you threw that thing.
- Yeah.
So, what's the occasion?
Mm! He had a big job
interview today, right?
How'd that go?
Let's just say
by this time next week,
anybody in the tri-state area
looking to score some
calcium fluoroaluminosilicate dental cement
is gonna have to go through this guy.
That is so bad-ass.
Oh!
That's my headhunter now. Got to take this.
You guys eat up. There's plenty.
I really cleaned out the place.
Jerry!
Tell me you got some good news.
What?
They're passing?
Did you get it?
Jerry, I am completely broke.
I've been shacking up
with my cousin in Queens,
I'm mooching food off my neighbors,
and I haven't had my teeth
cleaned professionally
in over a month.
Plus, I owe $1,000
to a very scary man named Tulip.
Like the flower, yes.
- Did you get it? Hey, did you get it?
- Looking like it, buddy.
Across the room exploding fist bump!
No, trust me, he is very scary.
It's his given name.
He could be Dutch.
Yes, "Dutch" would be
a much scarier nickname.
Who gives a crap?!
Jerry, you find me a job.
I am drowning.
Jerry, no, come on, I love the salary,
but these benefits are crap.
Now, you call me back when you
have something better, you got it?
Oh...
Way to stick it to 'em.
Hey, what's for dessert?
You know, all week I have
been craving something with...
Coconut. Right.
Whoa. Psychic.
_
_
Oh, boom! You remember
flipping baseball cards
like this when we were kids?
Uh, you used to call the
game "Winner Takes the Cards."
I always won, but you
always took the cards.
You totally misnamed that game.
Hey, Cousin Stosh...
I-I've been thinking a lot about something,
and it's kind of hard
- for me to say.
- Uh-huh.
I think it's time you moved back
to your condo in the city.
Okay.
Wait. What?
Well, I mean...
when Dad died and you offered
to come stay here with me,
that... that was amazing.
But I can't help
but feel selfish for keeping
you from enjoying your life.
What, are you kidding me?
Come on. I'm enjoying my life.
I mean, look at this. I love this game.
Oh, my gosh, when you
get it in, what a rush.
Come on.
I mean, you wouldn't
rather be out somewhere
with a couple stewardesses,
maybe hanging out at a fancy discotheque?
- Tell me I'm wrong.
- You're wrong.
Mainly about what century we're in,
but most of the other stuff, too.
I'm telling you, I'm fine.
I mean, you came to
help me heal, and I have.
Eric, I hate to break it to
you, but you're not healed.
Uh, I feel like I'm healed.
Of course you do!
Feeling like you're healed
is the classic sign that
you're not really healed.
Really?
Let's face facts here, Eric.
You took care of your parents for so long,
you've got no life of your own.
Well, I mean, I have a life.
- You got any friends?
- Yes.
You got any friends that aren't puppets?
Yes! All the guys that work the
night shift down at the bridge.
They get together once a week
to watch a Mets game at somebody's house.
I hear it is so much fun.
Wait a minute. You telling
me you don't even go?
Well, I... it's invitation only, so...
I got a feeling this might be my year.
This is gonna be your year, all right?
Because I'm here.
I'm here to help. You see?
You see how this works?
You know, the guy can be an arrogant jerk,
but he really can cook a meal.
I know.
I don't usually eat that kind of cheese,
but it was delicious.
Um, Zara, you do eat that kind of cheese.
Every time I buy it, it disappears.
My therapist told me that I have to stop
letting people take advantage of me.
Mm-hmm.
And how much does she charge you?
$425 an hour.
But Hillary Duff goes to her, too.
Well, both you and Hillary
Duff are getting reamed,
- because I do not eat that kind of cheese.
- Zara,
you eat my cheese.
And my other food, too.
Luckily, every time you do, Stosh shows up
with the exact same stuff.
Son of a bitch.
He stole my food.
Coconut.
Here's the ticket.
The Matushi 65-inch curved
ultra-high-def 3D smart TV.
You throw this piece
of crap in the Dumpster,
you invite your coworkers
over for a Mets game,
and bam! Instant friends
whose eyes are not made of buttons.
$2,500 though? I mean, yikes.
Well, what about the
money your pops left you?
Don't you think he'd want you
to spend it on something like this?
I mean, all he said in the will
is that I shouldn't
spend it "like a moron."
Okay.
Here's how we're gonna do this.
You give me the $2,500.
I'll go buy the TV tomorrow,
get it all set up for you while you're out.
You in?
- I'm in.
- Yeah?
- Yeah! Thanks, Cousin Stosh!
- All right.
Hey, no problem.
- Now, you go get that money.
- Okay.
- Hundreds.
- Oh.
All right, so just to be
clear, you're telling me
no one's gonna notice the difference
between this TV and the Matushi, right?
What's to know? Same guts.
With Matushi, all you're
paying for is name.
It's for my cousin. I just want
to make sure it's a good TV.
Not good, my friend, great.
Same guts.
I tell you, you're
going to call me and say,
"Shmoolie, sell me
another!" and I say, "No!
At this price, I lose money!"
Really? That sounds like
a terrible business model.
It is. It's Coo-Koo.
Hey, Kent!
Kent! Everyone's invited
to watch the Mets game
at my house tomorrow
before work, all right?
Your house?
Why would we come over to your house?
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe because I got a
brand-new, 65-inch curved TV.
Oh, really?
Lewandoski's got a curved TV!
Lewandoski got a third TV?
No, a curved TV!
Lewandoski's cured VD!
Lewandoski's got a bird with fleas?
He's got a pervy niece!
Is that who watch the third TV?
Curved! It's curvy!
Lewandoski's got scurvy?
He does? Oh, poor guy!
He just got that curved TV.
So you guys coming?
Come on in, everybody.
Uh, make yourselves at home.
Uh, enjoy some snacks and
refreshments in the back
and my brand-new Matushi curved TV.
All right. Now that's the way I like it.
Long and curved.
Thanks, Miranda.
I misjudged you, Lewandoski.
You're really showing me something.
This TV says a lot
about who you really are.
Thanks, Kent.
I got my eye on you!
I got my eye on this guy, huh?
For the scurvy.
Oh...
Finally!
I texted you "911," like, 911 times.
I'm sorry.
I thought you were my mom.
She texts me "911"
every time one of her friends from temple
mentions she has a single son.
What's up?
I did a little checking
on our friend Stosh...
if that is his real name.
Oh, my God. It's not?
It is. I was doing that more for effect.
So what did you find out? Tell me!
He doesn't own any condo in the city.
That thing went bye-bye
the moment he lost his job.
He's broke,
and from what I'm seeing,
pretty much blackballed
from the entire dental sales business.
This is a lot of information.
What site is this?
By the way, I know you date a lot,
so I signed you up for a full year.
Thought it might come in handy.
Yeah, my therapist suggested
that site, too.
So he's been lying?
About everything?
And poor Eric has no idea.
Mm-mm.
Ready to send it over to you
at Citi Field in New York
City for the first pitch,
as the 35 and 61 Mets...
Mets. Come on, Mets.
Square off against the 41 and 56 Phillies.
Buckle up, baseball fans...
Whoa!
Turn it on!
New TV broken! No, no.
It's just a-a little technical difficulty.
Fire! Save yourselves!
Here, Jimmy, use your cane!
You've got my cane!
- Stay calm! Stay calm!
- My eyes aren't working!
- Be calm!
- Somebody's grabbing my ass.
- Mine, too!
- Somebody grabbed my ass!
There we go. There we go.
We're good, we're good.
Wait a second.
This isn't a Matushi; this is a Mabushi.
It looks like a Matushi,
but has completely different guts.
A Mabushi? I don't... I don't understand.
Well, let me explain.
Because of your cheapness,
we won't be able to watch the Mets game
for the first time ever!
Shame on you!
Shame... on... you!
Let's get out of here!
No, no! Guys! Come on, don't go.
Hey, I have a solar-powered radio upstairs.
Sounds amazing when it's not cloudy.
Miranda? Please stay.
I loved you.
Well, that was a huge overreaction!
The Mets were mathematically
eliminated in June!
By the way.
This sucks.
What's going on?
And why do I smell...
burning TV set?
Hmm, smells more like
lying douche bag to me.
Okay, clearly there have been
some developments since I left.
That crappy TV you bought Eric blew up
in front of all of his friends.
He was so humiliated.
I wanted to cry.
So I did.
Damn. Where is he?
Upstairs. And he doesn't want to see you.
- Yeah, I'll make it right.
- He doesn't want to see you.
Okay. Okay!
Ow!
Who is it?
Stosh.
Go away.
Who is it?
Still Stosh.
Go away.
Can we talk?
No.
Come on, turn around.
You're creeping me out.
Promised myself I'd never
lay eyes on you again.
Look, I needed to save a couple bucks
on the TV to get myself
out of a tough situation.
My kidneys were in jeopardy.
Come on,
I was gonna pay you back!
It's not about the TV.
Then what is it?
Why'd you come to my
father's funeral that day?
Why'd you offer to come
here and stay with me?
And please, don't lie.
'Cause if you lie,
my father will turn over in his grave.
Look, I told you...
it was to help you out.
That's a lie!
You're a liar!
You lost your job and your condo
the day before, and you just
needed a free place to stay.
All right, who told you that?
I'm not an idiot, Cousin Stosh.
I can figure things out for myself.
I mean, maybe not this particular thing.
Zara told me.
But when she did,
I promised myself I would
never lay eyes on you again.
Damn it.
And you know what? Now my...
now my father's turned over
in his grave.
Thanks a lot for that, too!
Come on, I-I didn't tell you
what was going on with me because
I didn't want to stress you out, you know?
Oh, so if you hadn't have lost your condo,
would you have still moved in here with me?
Is this another "my father will turn over
in his grave" question?
Yup.
Uh, no.
No, I would not have moved in.
Damn it!
You could've at least lied
to get him back in the right position.
You know what?
You're a bad person.
Hey, come on.
You are.
I am so glad I promised myself
I would never lay eyes on...
I want you to move out.
What?
Are you deaf? I said move out right now.
Hey. Come on, let's take a breath here.
It's me.
It's Cousin Stosh.
I have no Cousin Stosh, Cousin Stosh.
I know you're still in here.
Oh, I can play this
game as long as you can.
Come abord Gwendolyn, but
don't forget the sacks of gold
your father left you when he died.
Oh, I won't.
They're stashed away.
In my royal underwear.
Oh, no!
The gold is too heavy!
We must throw it overboard!
No! I wanted to buy a 65-inch, curved,
ultra-high-def television!
You see, kids?
Now, the prince needs
to learn the hard way.
Oh! Oh, my God! No! No!
I'll see you in hell, douche bag!
All right, thank you.
Next show's in five minutes.
- Yes?
- Hi.
I'm Caryn. I'm looking for
Stosh Lewandoski. Is he here?
Oh, yeah, of course he's
here. He's my fianc?.
- Your fianc??
- Yeah!
Yup! Yes, I am.
Sue, this is Caryn, my, uh, French tutor.
You know, actually I'm
off the clock right now.
Do you mind if I speak
with my tutor in private?
Okay.
Thanks, honey.
- Hey!
- Do you ever
tell anyone the truth?!
What is this poor woman gonna say
when you don't marry her?
Oh, same thing as usual,
I'm sure, you know.
We're kind of in a "fool me 12
times, shame on you" situation.
Don't worry. She'll be fine. What's up?
"What's up"? Your cousin is devastated.
Stosh, he trusted you, and you used him!
Well, hey, wait a minute!
I needed a place to crash.
He needed somebody to hang out with.
It was a very fair deal.
Well, he didn't think it was a deal.
He thought you were being sincere.
Yeah, that was the beauty of it
until you guys opened your fat pie holes.
Oh, my God.
You have so many walls up.
And it's not just me who thinks so.
My therapist totally agrees.
Oh, really? She agrees
with someone helping her
pay her mortgage... who'd have thunk it?
She says you create walls of deception,
so you never have to get close to anyone.
You tell that Park Avenue therapist
that in the real world,
people don't have time
to sit in bean bag chairs and
whine about their feelings.
The world is a tough
place, you got to figure out
what you need to do to
survive, or you drown.
You tell her that and
you see what she says.
She said this isn't about the world
being tough, this is
about you being scared.
- Scared of what?
- Being vulnerable.
You think if you showed
that side of yourself,
no one will love you or help you.
Maybe that's because nobody ever did.
Nobody.
What does your fancy therapist
have to say to that, huh?
She says,
"Go on."
When I was eight, I was
the only kid at school
that didn't have any baseball cards.
So I asked my mother if I could
have some money to get some.
She said no.
I started crying.
She went right to the window, opened it,
and yelled out to the street,
"Hey, come up to 11D if you want to see
the world's biggest crybaby!"
- Oh, my goodness.
- And they came, too.
A bunch of people came.
One guy even brought his grandparents.
But that's when I realized
what I needed to do
to survive in this world.
Steal money from her
wallet when she was drunk.
That is heartbreaking.
Rinse and spit.
Hey!
I had to cancel my session this week.
Sorry.
I didn't have time for breakfast.
My therapist says it wasn't
just Eric who needed help that day.
It was also a little boy named Stosh.
I couldn't tell him the truth.
It would shatter his image of me.
Plus, he's so easy to lie to.
How do I make this right?
You could go to him right now
and ask him to forgive you.
But what if he says no?
What if he says yes?
Okay.
Okay, I'm gonna go get my jacket.
Son of a bitch!
He stole therapy from me!
And a teeth cleaning.
$7.50, please.
There you go.
Oh, hi, Zara!
Hi, Caryn!
Now, why are you in the backseat
when the passenger seat's vacant?
That seems so silly.
Eric, can we talk?
$7.50, please.
Eric, you might want to
hear what he has to say.
Yeah, you actually might.
Yeah, listen, there was a lot of things
that I wanted to say before,
but I couldn't. But since then,
I've had a lot of good therapy.
Several thousand dollars worth.
Listen, it all goes back
to my childhood, all right?
I don't even remember
my own mother hugging me.
Hey, shut up!
We got a beautiful thing happening here!
Whoa! He's got crazy eyes.
- We're gonna circle back around.
- Don't go anywhere.
- Don't take any breaks.
- Bye.
All right, how do we get out?
Where's the off ramp? Where's the off ramp?
How do we get out of here?
Okay, go ahead, and skip all
the "Mommy didn't love me" crap.
No, he can't skip that.
That's the most important part.
Okay, then you pay the
$7.50. I didn't go to the ATM.
Ah! Okay! This is what's happening!
This is going here, this
is going here. Get out!
Good luck to both of you!
$7.50, please.
Oh, geez! It's not even
that great of a bridge!
Bye!
Can I come in there, please?
No, this is completely against regulations.
If you leave me out here, I'm gonna be
dead in about five seconds. Please.
Thank you.
All right. Okay.
A little tight in here.
Yup.
Look, Eric.
You're the only one in
our family that liked me.
Or... looked up to me.
Hey, buddy! Come on!
- I don't got all day here.
- $7.50, please.
So, you liked me and...
I guess I didn't really feel
like I deserved to be liked.
So I gave you a bunch of crap.
Hey, Sam, Diane. How do I
get to the Westside Highway?
Take FDR to 96th Street.
Zip across town, it'll get you right there.
- Thanks.
- Right. Um, gave you
a bunch of crap when we were kids,
fell in the same patterns now,
projecting my insecurities,
- making up for my own shortcomings...
- Hey, yo!
$7.50, please.
Cycle... bullying, hurt, bullying, hurt.
Never wanted to hurt you.
Love you more than anyone.
Incredibly sorry. Please forgive me.
I was hoping you'd say that exact thing.
I love you, Kuzyn.
I love you, too, Cousin Stosh.
Pardon me. Excuse me.
$7.50, please.
Hey, Lewandoski's hugging his cousin.
Who's hugging his cousin? Lewandoski!
Lewandoski clubbing his puffin?
No! Hugging his cousin!
Lewandoski's drugging a Russian!
Lewandoski's got a concussion?
Lewandoski's got a concussion?!
A concussion? On top of the scurvy?
That guy's having one bad week.
Hugging his cousin!
This the same guy who won't
let you come to see Mets games?
You the same guy that won't
let him watch the Mets games?
You suck, Kent.
- All right!
- Come here. Come here.
Good night.
Love don't see color, Mama.
Oh...
I just love the way
the sweat glistens off
your back in the sun.
Oh...
Where'd you hide the Afikoman?
- Gah!
- Who's there?!
Me.
Oh.
My therapist told me
to keep a dream journal,
so I just... I got to write this down
before I forget.
Um, cotton plantation,
Idris Elba,
Passover Seder...
Oh! Back from the market.
Dinner is at 8:00 p.m. sharp.
Dress is business casual.
Again?
Ow! Lucky us.
I'm gonna need you to
stay out of your kitchen
for the next 45 minutes.
I just stayed naked
the whole day.
Oh, my God, Stosh,
dinner is amazing.
I could not love this pasta more.
And the cheese. How do you
know all my favorite foods?
I listen and I care.
You know, he's only
been living with me for a month...
already knows everything I like.
Just the other day, I
said, "I like oatmeal."
And he said, "Yeah, I know."
Actually, you screamed it out.
- Then you threw that thing.
- Yeah.
So, what's the occasion?
Mm! He had a big job
interview today, right?
How'd that go?
Let's just say
by this time next week,
anybody in the tri-state area
looking to score some
calcium fluoroaluminosilicate dental cement
is gonna have to go through this guy.
That is so bad-ass.
Oh!
That's my headhunter now. Got to take this.
You guys eat up. There's plenty.
I really cleaned out the place.
Jerry!
Tell me you got some good news.
What?
They're passing?
Did you get it?
Jerry, I am completely broke.
I've been shacking up
with my cousin in Queens,
I'm mooching food off my neighbors,
and I haven't had my teeth
cleaned professionally
in over a month.
Plus, I owe $1,000
to a very scary man named Tulip.
Like the flower, yes.
- Did you get it? Hey, did you get it?
- Looking like it, buddy.
Across the room exploding fist bump!
No, trust me, he is very scary.
It's his given name.
He could be Dutch.
Yes, "Dutch" would be
a much scarier nickname.
Who gives a crap?!
Jerry, you find me a job.
I am drowning.
Jerry, no, come on, I love the salary,
but these benefits are crap.
Now, you call me back when you
have something better, you got it?
Oh...
Way to stick it to 'em.
Hey, what's for dessert?
You know, all week I have
been craving something with...
Coconut. Right.
Whoa. Psychic.
_
_
Oh, boom! You remember
flipping baseball cards
like this when we were kids?
Uh, you used to call the
game "Winner Takes the Cards."
I always won, but you
always took the cards.
You totally misnamed that game.
Hey, Cousin Stosh...
I-I've been thinking a lot about something,
and it's kind of hard
- for me to say.
- Uh-huh.
I think it's time you moved back
to your condo in the city.
Okay.
Wait. What?
Well, I mean...
when Dad died and you offered
to come stay here with me,
that... that was amazing.
But I can't help
but feel selfish for keeping
you from enjoying your life.
What, are you kidding me?
Come on. I'm enjoying my life.
I mean, look at this. I love this game.
Oh, my gosh, when you
get it in, what a rush.
Come on.
I mean, you wouldn't
rather be out somewhere
with a couple stewardesses,
maybe hanging out at a fancy discotheque?
- Tell me I'm wrong.
- You're wrong.
Mainly about what century we're in,
but most of the other stuff, too.
I'm telling you, I'm fine.
I mean, you came to
help me heal, and I have.
Eric, I hate to break it to
you, but you're not healed.
Uh, I feel like I'm healed.
Of course you do!
Feeling like you're healed
is the classic sign that
you're not really healed.
Really?
Let's face facts here, Eric.
You took care of your parents for so long,
you've got no life of your own.
Well, I mean, I have a life.
- You got any friends?
- Yes.
You got any friends that aren't puppets?
Yes! All the guys that work the
night shift down at the bridge.
They get together once a week
to watch a Mets game at somebody's house.
I hear it is so much fun.
Wait a minute. You telling
me you don't even go?
Well, I... it's invitation only, so...
I got a feeling this might be my year.
This is gonna be your year, all right?
Because I'm here.
I'm here to help. You see?
You see how this works?
You know, the guy can be an arrogant jerk,
but he really can cook a meal.
I know.
I don't usually eat that kind of cheese,
but it was delicious.
Um, Zara, you do eat that kind of cheese.
Every time I buy it, it disappears.
My therapist told me that I have to stop
letting people take advantage of me.
Mm-hmm.
And how much does she charge you?
$425 an hour.
But Hillary Duff goes to her, too.
Well, both you and Hillary
Duff are getting reamed,
- because I do not eat that kind of cheese.
- Zara,
you eat my cheese.
And my other food, too.
Luckily, every time you do, Stosh shows up
with the exact same stuff.
Son of a bitch.
He stole my food.
Coconut.
Here's the ticket.
The Matushi 65-inch curved
ultra-high-def 3D smart TV.
You throw this piece
of crap in the Dumpster,
you invite your coworkers
over for a Mets game,
and bam! Instant friends
whose eyes are not made of buttons.
$2,500 though? I mean, yikes.
Well, what about the
money your pops left you?
Don't you think he'd want you
to spend it on something like this?
I mean, all he said in the will
is that I shouldn't
spend it "like a moron."
Okay.
Here's how we're gonna do this.
You give me the $2,500.
I'll go buy the TV tomorrow,
get it all set up for you while you're out.
You in?
- I'm in.
- Yeah?
- Yeah! Thanks, Cousin Stosh!
- All right.
Hey, no problem.
- Now, you go get that money.
- Okay.
- Hundreds.
- Oh.
All right, so just to be
clear, you're telling me
no one's gonna notice the difference
between this TV and the Matushi, right?
What's to know? Same guts.
With Matushi, all you're
paying for is name.
It's for my cousin. I just want
to make sure it's a good TV.
Not good, my friend, great.
Same guts.
I tell you, you're
going to call me and say,
"Shmoolie, sell me
another!" and I say, "No!
At this price, I lose money!"
Really? That sounds like
a terrible business model.
It is. It's Coo-Koo.
Hey, Kent!
Kent! Everyone's invited
to watch the Mets game
at my house tomorrow
before work, all right?
Your house?
Why would we come over to your house?
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe because I got a
brand-new, 65-inch curved TV.
Oh, really?
Lewandoski's got a curved TV!
Lewandoski got a third TV?
No, a curved TV!
Lewandoski's cured VD!
Lewandoski's got a bird with fleas?
He's got a pervy niece!
Is that who watch the third TV?
Curved! It's curvy!
Lewandoski's got scurvy?
He does? Oh, poor guy!
He just got that curved TV.
So you guys coming?
Come on in, everybody.
Uh, make yourselves at home.
Uh, enjoy some snacks and
refreshments in the back
and my brand-new Matushi curved TV.
All right. Now that's the way I like it.
Long and curved.
Thanks, Miranda.
I misjudged you, Lewandoski.
You're really showing me something.
This TV says a lot
about who you really are.
Thanks, Kent.
I got my eye on you!
I got my eye on this guy, huh?
For the scurvy.
Oh...
Finally!
I texted you "911," like, 911 times.
I'm sorry.
I thought you were my mom.
She texts me "911"
every time one of her friends from temple
mentions she has a single son.
What's up?
I did a little checking
on our friend Stosh...
if that is his real name.
Oh, my God. It's not?
It is. I was doing that more for effect.
So what did you find out? Tell me!
He doesn't own any condo in the city.
That thing went bye-bye
the moment he lost his job.
He's broke,
and from what I'm seeing,
pretty much blackballed
from the entire dental sales business.
This is a lot of information.
What site is this?
By the way, I know you date a lot,
so I signed you up for a full year.
Thought it might come in handy.
Yeah, my therapist suggested
that site, too.
So he's been lying?
About everything?
And poor Eric has no idea.
Mm-mm.
Ready to send it over to you
at Citi Field in New York
City for the first pitch,
as the 35 and 61 Mets...
Mets. Come on, Mets.
Square off against the 41 and 56 Phillies.
Buckle up, baseball fans...
Whoa!
Turn it on!
New TV broken! No, no.
It's just a-a little technical difficulty.
Fire! Save yourselves!
Here, Jimmy, use your cane!
You've got my cane!
- Stay calm! Stay calm!
- My eyes aren't working!
- Be calm!
- Somebody's grabbing my ass.
- Mine, too!
- Somebody grabbed my ass!
There we go. There we go.
We're good, we're good.
Wait a second.
This isn't a Matushi; this is a Mabushi.
It looks like a Matushi,
but has completely different guts.
A Mabushi? I don't... I don't understand.
Well, let me explain.
Because of your cheapness,
we won't be able to watch the Mets game
for the first time ever!
Shame on you!
Shame... on... you!
Let's get out of here!
No, no! Guys! Come on, don't go.
Hey, I have a solar-powered radio upstairs.
Sounds amazing when it's not cloudy.
Miranda? Please stay.
I loved you.
Well, that was a huge overreaction!
The Mets were mathematically
eliminated in June!
By the way.
This sucks.
What's going on?
And why do I smell...
burning TV set?
Hmm, smells more like
lying douche bag to me.
Okay, clearly there have been
some developments since I left.
That crappy TV you bought Eric blew up
in front of all of his friends.
He was so humiliated.
I wanted to cry.
So I did.
Damn. Where is he?
Upstairs. And he doesn't want to see you.
- Yeah, I'll make it right.
- He doesn't want to see you.
Okay. Okay!
Ow!
Who is it?
Stosh.
Go away.
Who is it?
Still Stosh.
Go away.
Can we talk?
No.
Come on, turn around.
You're creeping me out.
Promised myself I'd never
lay eyes on you again.
Look, I needed to save a couple bucks
on the TV to get myself
out of a tough situation.
My kidneys were in jeopardy.
Come on,
I was gonna pay you back!
It's not about the TV.
Then what is it?
Why'd you come to my
father's funeral that day?
Why'd you offer to come
here and stay with me?
And please, don't lie.
'Cause if you lie,
my father will turn over in his grave.
Look, I told you...
it was to help you out.
That's a lie!
You're a liar!
You lost your job and your condo
the day before, and you just
needed a free place to stay.
All right, who told you that?
I'm not an idiot, Cousin Stosh.
I can figure things out for myself.
I mean, maybe not this particular thing.
Zara told me.
But when she did,
I promised myself I would
never lay eyes on you again.
Damn it.
And you know what? Now my...
now my father's turned over
in his grave.
Thanks a lot for that, too!
Come on, I-I didn't tell you
what was going on with me because
I didn't want to stress you out, you know?
Oh, so if you hadn't have lost your condo,
would you have still moved in here with me?
Is this another "my father will turn over
in his grave" question?
Yup.
Uh, no.
No, I would not have moved in.
Damn it!
You could've at least lied
to get him back in the right position.
You know what?
You're a bad person.
Hey, come on.
You are.
I am so glad I promised myself
I would never lay eyes on...
I want you to move out.
What?
Are you deaf? I said move out right now.
Hey. Come on, let's take a breath here.
It's me.
It's Cousin Stosh.
I have no Cousin Stosh, Cousin Stosh.
I know you're still in here.
Oh, I can play this
game as long as you can.
Come abord Gwendolyn, but
don't forget the sacks of gold
your father left you when he died.
Oh, I won't.
They're stashed away.
In my royal underwear.
Oh, no!
The gold is too heavy!
We must throw it overboard!
No! I wanted to buy a 65-inch, curved,
ultra-high-def television!
You see, kids?
Now, the prince needs
to learn the hard way.
Oh! Oh, my God! No! No!
I'll see you in hell, douche bag!
All right, thank you.
Next show's in five minutes.
- Yes?
- Hi.
I'm Caryn. I'm looking for
Stosh Lewandoski. Is he here?
Oh, yeah, of course he's
here. He's my fianc?.
- Your fianc??
- Yeah!
Yup! Yes, I am.
Sue, this is Caryn, my, uh, French tutor.
You know, actually I'm
off the clock right now.
Do you mind if I speak
with my tutor in private?
Okay.
Thanks, honey.
- Hey!
- Do you ever
tell anyone the truth?!
What is this poor woman gonna say
when you don't marry her?
Oh, same thing as usual,
I'm sure, you know.
We're kind of in a "fool me 12
times, shame on you" situation.
Don't worry. She'll be fine. What's up?
"What's up"? Your cousin is devastated.
Stosh, he trusted you, and you used him!
Well, hey, wait a minute!
I needed a place to crash.
He needed somebody to hang out with.
It was a very fair deal.
Well, he didn't think it was a deal.
He thought you were being sincere.
Yeah, that was the beauty of it
until you guys opened your fat pie holes.
Oh, my God.
You have so many walls up.
And it's not just me who thinks so.
My therapist totally agrees.
Oh, really? She agrees
with someone helping her
pay her mortgage... who'd have thunk it?
She says you create walls of deception,
so you never have to get close to anyone.
You tell that Park Avenue therapist
that in the real world,
people don't have time
to sit in bean bag chairs and
whine about their feelings.
The world is a tough
place, you got to figure out
what you need to do to
survive, or you drown.
You tell her that and
you see what she says.
She said this isn't about the world
being tough, this is
about you being scared.
- Scared of what?
- Being vulnerable.
You think if you showed
that side of yourself,
no one will love you or help you.
Maybe that's because nobody ever did.
Nobody.
What does your fancy therapist
have to say to that, huh?
She says,
"Go on."
When I was eight, I was
the only kid at school
that didn't have any baseball cards.
So I asked my mother if I could
have some money to get some.
She said no.
I started crying.
She went right to the window, opened it,
and yelled out to the street,
"Hey, come up to 11D if you want to see
the world's biggest crybaby!"
- Oh, my goodness.
- And they came, too.
A bunch of people came.
One guy even brought his grandparents.
But that's when I realized
what I needed to do
to survive in this world.
Steal money from her
wallet when she was drunk.
That is heartbreaking.
Rinse and spit.
Hey!
I had to cancel my session this week.
Sorry.
I didn't have time for breakfast.
My therapist says it wasn't
just Eric who needed help that day.
It was also a little boy named Stosh.
I couldn't tell him the truth.
It would shatter his image of me.
Plus, he's so easy to lie to.
How do I make this right?
You could go to him right now
and ask him to forgive you.
But what if he says no?
What if he says yes?
Okay.
Okay, I'm gonna go get my jacket.
Son of a bitch!
He stole therapy from me!
And a teeth cleaning.
$7.50, please.
There you go.
Oh, hi, Zara!
Hi, Caryn!
Now, why are you in the backseat
when the passenger seat's vacant?
That seems so silly.
Eric, can we talk?
$7.50, please.
Eric, you might want to
hear what he has to say.
Yeah, you actually might.
Yeah, listen, there was a lot of things
that I wanted to say before,
but I couldn't. But since then,
I've had a lot of good therapy.
Several thousand dollars worth.
Listen, it all goes back
to my childhood, all right?
I don't even remember
my own mother hugging me.
Hey, shut up!
We got a beautiful thing happening here!
Whoa! He's got crazy eyes.
- We're gonna circle back around.
- Don't go anywhere.
- Don't take any breaks.
- Bye.
All right, how do we get out?
Where's the off ramp? Where's the off ramp?
How do we get out of here?
Okay, go ahead, and skip all
the "Mommy didn't love me" crap.
No, he can't skip that.
That's the most important part.
Okay, then you pay the
$7.50. I didn't go to the ATM.
Ah! Okay! This is what's happening!
This is going here, this
is going here. Get out!
Good luck to both of you!
$7.50, please.
Oh, geez! It's not even
that great of a bridge!
Bye!
Can I come in there, please?
No, this is completely against regulations.
If you leave me out here, I'm gonna be
dead in about five seconds. Please.
Thank you.
All right. Okay.
A little tight in here.
Yup.
Look, Eric.
You're the only one in
our family that liked me.
Or... looked up to me.
Hey, buddy! Come on!
- I don't got all day here.
- $7.50, please.
So, you liked me and...
I guess I didn't really feel
like I deserved to be liked.
So I gave you a bunch of crap.
Hey, Sam, Diane. How do I
get to the Westside Highway?
Take FDR to 96th Street.
Zip across town, it'll get you right there.
- Thanks.
- Right. Um, gave you
a bunch of crap when we were kids,
fell in the same patterns now,
projecting my insecurities,
- making up for my own shortcomings...
- Hey, yo!
$7.50, please.
Cycle... bullying, hurt, bullying, hurt.
Never wanted to hurt you.
Love you more than anyone.
Incredibly sorry. Please forgive me.
I was hoping you'd say that exact thing.
I love you, Kuzyn.
I love you, too, Cousin Stosh.
Pardon me. Excuse me.
$7.50, please.
Hey, Lewandoski's hugging his cousin.
Who's hugging his cousin? Lewandoski!
Lewandoski clubbing his puffin?
No! Hugging his cousin!
Lewandoski's drugging a Russian!
Lewandoski's got a concussion?
Lewandoski's got a concussion?!
A concussion? On top of the scurvy?
That guy's having one bad week.
Hugging his cousin!
This the same guy who won't
let you come to see Mets games?
You the same guy that won't
let him watch the Mets games?
You suck, Kent.
- All right!
- Come here. Come here.
Good night.