Weeds (2005–2012): Season 8, Episode 9 - Saplings - full transcript

Previously on Weeds.

What kind of stank strain
you brewin' over there?

You want to see
how ours match up?

Who's got the munchies?

Sixty-three. Sixty-three.

Who won?

Show me your plant.

You look cute in that jumpsuit.

I thought this job
was gonna be fun.

I'm your new Director of
Spiritual Life, Moreh Andy,

and this is afternoon
discussion time.



Your foundation
was granted a license

to operate a facility for
the homeless of this county.

You've 48 hours.

Without tenants like yourself, the
state inspector will shut us down.

Boo!

Does that sound pretty good?

I'm not pregnant.

Andy. You need to tell him.

You know he'll leave me.

You were off somewhere
not being pregnant.

It's menopause,
Andy. It's not a choice.

You lied.

So? I'm a rabbi.

I see you, up
there, watching me.



You know, that night by the
pool, I really wanted to kiss you.

A raccoon? Well, shit
fire and save the matches.

I wish I could have
seen that. Mom?

Crick Montgomery, ma'am.

Oh. Who are you?

He's from a tobacco company.

I can show you a
business card, if you'd like.

Silas, can I speak
with you a second?

Tobacco?

He wants me to grow
for him. Grow cigarettes?

Weed cigarettes. It's this
new idea they're developing.

Still in the early
phases, obviously.

Okay. Uh...

Tobacco doesn't speak to Silas.
You can talk to me. Capisce?

Mom... No, no. No, she's right.

Forgot my manners.

That said, Mrs. Botwin, you and
I both care about the same thing.

Sweet tea? Debutante balls?

No, making sure Johnny
Appleseed over here

doesn't end up playing
for the wrong team.

Right, and let me guess,
you're the right team?

Well, between nerd-scientists
hamstrung by the FDA,

and cowboy-capitalists
with a two-century history

of growing, rolling,
and distributing?

I know which pony I'd ride.

Silas is very happy where he is.

Tell him that you're...

I was happy,

until I saw a
machine eat my plant

after being beaten and drowned
in magnesium benzo-something.

Look, why don't I just leave these
with you? Two tickets, first class,

flying out of Kennedy tomorrow.

We'd love for both of you to
come down and check us out.

I'll just let myself out.

You're phenomenally
gifted, but your talents

are being wasted
at Smith Johnson.

I think we can offer
you a heck of a lot more.

North Carolina?

Too hot this time of year.

Here you go. Thanks.

I used to smoke in college.

Would they make me
move to North Carolina?

I'd have to work on
one of those plantations?

Not unless you want to.

Bring that up at the meeting,
whatever you want to bring up.

Do they even have
plantations anymore?

You seem anxious. No,
no! I'm excited for you.

Right? It's like I'm some
athlete being recruited.

First class and a
limo to the airport.

You're the talent.
Remember that.

I know. So, you make
the demands, not them.

Just think about it.
Weed sold commercially.

My strain in every
Walmart, gas station,

every five-and-dime,
mom-and-pop corner

drugstore from New
Haven to Sacramento.

I need you to support me.

Of course I support
you. Look at me,

here on this plane,
supporting you.

I mean today.

Today is gonna be
totally about you. Okay?

I won't even speak if you
don't want me to. I'll just gesture

with those baseball
signals. Whatever you want.

Ooh!

Do you think they
have those sundaes?

Stewardess? Stewardess?

Time for work, my
little parking attendant.

I heard he did it under the ark.

I heard the eternal flame
flickered off and then back on.

Nuh-uh. Uh-huh.

He totally boned her
so hard, the walls shook.

Hey!

Who boned who?

You didn't hear? Rabbi
Dave totally diddled a goy.

Okay. That's enough. How do...

Allen Royce was supposed to
go over his haftorah with the Rabbi

and when he showed up, door was
locked and he could hear everything.

Mmm-hmm. Oh, hello.

Look, it's your mother.
Bye, Jonah. L'hitraot.

She's always late.

It's cool. We can wait.

Are you expecting anyone?
All right. I'm gonna get the door.

Don't stab me in the back.

Ah! Thank goodness. I
thought this address was a joke.

Jordan Kovnot, Edgewood
Shelter in New Haven.

Doug Wilson, Douglas
S. Wilson Foundation.

Oh.

Just ignore the
urine-jar lady back there.

But let me know if she
makes a move this way.

This is where you do intake?

Yeah. Well, obviously,
it's a slow day today,

but are you... Are you
seeking shelter yourself, or...

That's cute, Mr. Wilson.
Oh, this is Jeff.

Jeff's had a bit
of a rough patch,

but he's got a big
interview tomorrow,

Bloomies men's
department. Fingers crossed.

Rudy, Rudy shot two
families and a goat in Iraq

and he wasn't even
there for the war.

How many Rudys you got out here?

That many?

Combined overflow
from Hartford, Stamford,

West Haven, Danbury,
Bridgeport, Norwalk,

and I trust you
know the new rules?

You have to take whoever
comes in, maintain 85% occupancy.

DSS will be checking, weekly.

Oh, Jesus. Yeah, I'm all over it. I'm
on it, yeah. New rules. Got it. 85%.

Oh, shit.

Said she was carrying
our imaginary child

and then hopped a
plane back to Oakland,

so now I got nothing.
No future, no progeny,

no holding an infant in the
palm of my hand like an eggplant.

What's up with your mom?
She doesn't own a watch?

She just got re-married
to a 29-year-old day trader.

Let's see if Rabbi
Dave can find you a ride.

Oh. Hang on.

Doing some gardening?

Oh! Hey. Hey.

Matthew's mom
forgot to pick him up.

Oh, Also, just as a heads up,

kids are spreading rumors about

you diddling
someone under the ark.

It was in my office. It
wasn't under the ark.

Oh, wow. Okay, wow.

Well, way to go, Rabbi.

Um...

Nancy.

Sorry? Um...

I was with Nancy.

How did... Huh. Well,
okay. Was it Nancy, Nancy?

I'm so sorry. No, no,
no, no, no. No need.

Um... Wow.

Would not have expected
that. Uh, who's Gabby?

My wife, late wife. I
planted this for her.

A pear tree, was...

No! I'd rather walk home!

I'd rather die than to
have Cody pick me up!

I think this crew could
use some pancakes.

Hushpuppies and pulled pork,
slow-cooked over hickory and oak.

Local delicacies.

I thought smoking was
outlawed in restaurants.

Well, Durham has a long tradition
of rebelling against authority.

Plus, this is an industry town.

Just about everyone here
is connected to tobacco,

if not them, their
parents, their neighbors.

Their failing health.

Who do you think pays state
children's health insurance?

We give millions in tax dollars.

Perk of being America's most
lucrative cash crop per acre.

You know what else is
lucrative? Crack cocaine.

You were saying you
wanted to take us on a tour?

Yes! Right after lunch.

We'll tour the fields, the barns.
If you have any questions...

I have a question.
I'm not surprised.

Slavery. Was a long time ago.

Not that long. Also, I heard
about this Indonesian baby

that smokes like 10 packs a day.

It's this fat baby that's
literally chain-smoking.

Look, tobacco's made mistakes.

We have a complicated past.

My father ran this company for

45 years like an
old-school robber baron.

But I want to
modernize, diversify,

find new markets, clean
up our ingredient list.

Internationally,
we're doing great.

But domestically, we
need a new playbook.

Weed.

Exactly.

You know, it's actually cheaper
to grow weed than tobacco,

yet people pay more for it.

You've done your homework.

Um...

I'm sorry. How are you gonna
grow weed if it's still illegal?

'Cause that's the part
I'm confused about.

Can we let him talk?

I want to show you
guys something.

Y'all are gonna love this.

We've already
designed the packs,

just need the
product to go inside.

Very retro looking.

That's 'cause the logo's from the
'70s, back when it first looked like

weed was gonna be
legalized, and we even

came up with an
urban brand called

"Cliffs."

Urban meaning?

African Americans.

It's a smart idea, weed
cigarettes, but the name sucks.

It's Kemo sabes, chemotherapy.

Fuck a duck. Maybe we
should hire you, too, right?

I'd love to see the labs.

Funny thing. That's not
exactly possible right now.

Why? Why not?

Because there are no labs.

There's basically just this cardboard
box and a sack full of money

sitting in an offshore
bank account.

Surprise!

I don't understand.

Since, as your mother so
wisely noted, weed isn't legal yet,

we can't officially
kick off our R&D.

Pharma can, in the name of medical
research, but we're recreational.

Hence, underground, hush-hush.

So, then there are others
that you're approaching?

Yes. So the minute pot becomes
legal, we can hit the ground running.

And what if Silas gets caught?

Then this meeting never happened.
- Right.

Back to the airport. Mom.

No, sorry, not a chance in
hell you're taking a risk like that

for a big tobacco company.

If they want to do underground
black ops, whatever,

let 'em prey on other
people's children.

What happened to supporting me?

I am.

No, you're not.

Excuse me.

Hey! Come on! We're
men. We're resilient.

My mom married a dick.
At least she's still alive.

Oh, ho! A little
dark there, Rabbi.

I just feel like I
cheated on her.

You did not! You can't
cheat on a dead person.

And there's no covenant in
Judaism forbidding you from

playing a little Romeo, right?

As long as it's not with a child
or a donkey or a Gibeonite,

according to Deuteronomy.

If my wife died,
I'd date people.

How can I provide moral guidance
if I myself have transgressed?

Here's how.

Because you're a man, a
flawed, troubled, but trying, striving,

and when you get
past this, which you will,

you'll go back to being the same

scholarly, poker-faced
Rabbi Dave

that we all know and
love and fear, a little bit.

Here we go. Silver dollar with
whipped cream and Nutella.

Omelet with Swiss and scallions.

And double-blueberry
tall stack, extra blueberries.

Oh, uh, I didn't
order blueberries.

Oh, yeah, but they're in season.
You don't want to miss 'em.

All right, your turn.
Let's talk about Cody.

Um, he farts a lot.

Mmm-hmm.

Let's find the silver lining.

Yeah, you're one to talk.

I mean, you just got dumped,
and here you are pretending

life is full of sunshine
and rainbows.

Jill left?

Um, yeah, but, I mean,
that was never gonna work.

Andy, Andy, I would
never have burdened

you with my
self-doubt had I known.

Please, tell us about it.

Oh, fuck. Again?

Hey! Sorry, Rabbi.

Smoking will kill you, you know.

You scared me.

Well, it's my house,

so technically I should be the
one who's spooked right now.

You need a light for that?

Even with the tank, you still...

No, no, I gave it up eons ago.

You're the one who killed
those millions of people.

Their choice, not mine.

I don't smoke.

Let me guess, my
son Crick brought

you out here to talk Kemo sabes.

Marijuana, tobacco's
final frontier.

You must be very proud
of him. Are you kidding?

He's a Yankee big shot,
pitching crackpot ideas

for a company that's been
workin' fine for three generations.

But we got to pass down
our legacies to someone.

I like the south,
legacies, tradition.

We don't have that up north.
We have sarcasm and iced coffee.

My son, he wants to
grow and make mistakes.

My daddy had this phrase.
"You've got to bend the saplin'

"for it to grow up
to be a proper tree."

Funny thing, my
saplin' don't bend.

Mine won't either.

We live in the same house, but
we haven't spoken for two years.

So what, that I
can't throw a spiral.

Gender roles are changing. I
think I'd make a really good father.

I could see that. Really?

Yeah. Stop.

You're a beautiful
human being, Andy.

You have a
gorgeous, pulpy heart.

Why do I always feel
like you're hitting on me?

Yeah, he's right.
You're like a Care Bear.

Sick of waiting
for my life to begin,

like I'm in perpetual purgatory.

You ever feel like that?

Mmm. Purgatory's... It's
a Roman Catholic belief.

You and Nancy.
That happened so fast.

Too fast. Maybe, maybe not.

Maybe everyone just
needs to jump in. Look at me.

Soon, I'm gonna
hit male menopause.

I'm gonna be drooling
during the day,

not even just at
night. Whoa, Andy.

My advice? You need
to forget about Jill.

Maybe try dating someone
who you're not distantly related to.

You know, we have singles
night every Wednesday.

I could sign you up.

Jesus Christ.

And you, mister,
got to get you home.

We'll talk in the car.

Hey.

I don't know if I
should say this,

but I don't think Nancy's
loved anyone since Judah died,

like truly, emotionally loved
someone, for what it's worth.

Well, do you think
she's capable?

I have no idea. She probably
has no idea, or she has an idea,

but what she really needs is
the exact opposite of her idea.

Someone smart and warm,
even-keeled, romantic,

kind to strangers,

old people, great smile.

Thank you.

Just a second.

Wanna ride? Why is
your car on fake fire?

'Cause it's badass. Goes from
0 to 60 in less than 3.7 seconds.

I think, I haven't
really floored it yet.

You stole from the impound lot?

Borrowed. One of the perks
of being a parking attendant.

You getting in or not?

I really shouldn't. Come on.

Can't a guy take his girlfriend for
a joyride? I brought Shake Shack.

Okay, one hour. That's it.

What are you doing in a barn?

It's a curing barn.

Are you cured?

Don't be mad at me
for trying to protect you.

From what? Actually
liking my job?

From getting
involved with powerful

people who don't care about you.

At least Pharma's
medical, helps people.

Come on. Weed is not medicine. I
am so fucking sick of pretending like...

I grow an illegal and
awesomely fun drug,

which I do not
feel guilty about.

Maybe you do, but I don't.

And I don't want to grow it in
some lab pretending it's some cure

for nausea or anorexia, or
in the garage like it's a hobby.

I want to do it for real,

send my product out into
the world. If that means

teaming up with some,
whatever, sketchy

southern tobacco company,
then that's what I want to do.

When I sold, I drew lines.

What lines? It's weed.

No kids.

If you think that
when you sell a brick,

pieces of it don't end up
in fucking high schools...

Tobacco has a history
of advertising to children.

You're kidding yourself.

I know who I am.

So do I.

I know you're an adult,

but I'm still your mother.

And I'm worried about
you and your future,

not tobacco's
future or pot's future.

And this place, it's freaky.

I just met Crick's
father on the porch.

They haven't
spoken in two years!

And I'm hot and
this barn smells.

And, you don't wanna
move to North Carolina!

Can we go back in the house now?

Where are the meals?

Where the beds at?

I have to poop.

Well, I got snacks right here. There's
a bathroom down on the first floor.

That bathroom needs a key.

I lost the key, okay?
Hey, no one leaves.

You got to stay here! Hey!
Hey! I need 85% occupancy!

You're at 83.7. I did the math.

This is bullshit.

This is a fucking
office. It's not a shelter.

Well, what if I lay down some
yoga mats, light some incense.

You think you're the first person
who's tried to scam the homeless?

Last week, some
guy tried to turn me

into a fucking
human Wi-Fi hotspot.

"Can you strap this wireless transmitter
to your chest and walk around?"

Of course I can. Why?
Because I'm vulnerable.

Because I'm seen as a fucking
object instead of a human being!

Because I live in a country that
doesn't believe in social welfare

and thinks that anyone
who needs a little help

is a teat-sucking sloth junkie

with shit for brains and
fucking cocksucker, sucking...

Get it out. Get it out.

Boobies! Okay. Okay.

Now I know why you're homeless.

I'm gonna report you.

You are going to jail, shithead.

Mmm-hmm. Send him to jail!

Jail! Jail!

Wait! Wait! Wait! I can handle
this! All right, hold on a second!

You need things,
right? I got a credit card.

Yeah, you tell Uncle
Doug what you want.

You just shout it out. Go ahead.

I want some cold beer.

Penthouse, Stamford Marriott.

And a fuck machine.

Okay. Okay.

I have to poop.

I'd need new equipment,
more spinners. Obviously.

And I might want to hire a
staff, small, a few people.

Your call, kemo sabe.

Oh, damn. Now I can't stop
thinking about bald, sick people.

Anyway, boss.

Wait, this is it? If
there's no real contract,

what's to keep us from
taking the money and walking?

This company was
built on a handshake.

Now, we intend to keep
our part of the bargain.

I'm trusting you both to have
the decency to do the same.

Let's bust out the juleps!

Mmm.

Ain't that Ice Pick's ride?

Nuh-uh, man. Ice
Pick in the joint.

He got caught jerking
it at the public library.

He been trying to get
that online law degree,

like Atticus Finch and shit.

Hold up. That's
definitely Ice Pick's ride.

Who else you know got them
dumb-ass stickers on the side?

Damn.

You think that's
Vanessa he got in there?

Ooh. I don't know.

Come on, man.

You're tickling my foot.

I'm not touching your foot.

Where's my gun?

This one's for Ice Pick.

Studious motherfucker.

Fuck.

You blinked! No! I thought
it was first one to laugh!

Fine. Well, then you
lose that one, too.

Oh...

Damn your pretty robot eyes.

Oh, I have practice.

Yeah, I have two five-year-old
cousins. I have a five-year-old nephew.

God, they're great,
right? Yeah, it's like

you get to learn the whole world

again from scratch. Just...

Mmm. Mmm-hmm.

I have this three-seat tandem
bike that I force them to ride.

It has long streamers and
it's pretty embarrassing,

for them, not for me.

When I was younger, I drove
my bike into a park bench

and had to get two
fingers reattached.

See? Yeah, I call them
my Franken-fingers.

Oh, God, have I totally
grossed you out? I'm sorry.

I figured, since you're
always coming to my pool.

You didn't call me back.

I needed to figure
some things out.

Did you figure them out? Oh, no.

But I'm starting to.

We should put tin
cans on my bike.

Right! Because it's a tandem.

Andrew Botwin and Joanna Jacobs.

Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!

What? What is
that for? You'll see.