Weeds (2005–2012): Season 8, Episode 8 - Five Miles From Yetzer Hara - full transcript

Previously on Weeds.

I see you, up
there, watching me.

I'm a rabbi.

I can't keep making
the same choices.

Then don't.

I'm pregnant.

Let's do this.
Let's have a baby.

You've got to be kidding me.

I'm still fresh on the inside.

I'm getting a job.

Maritor. It's synthetic pot.



We've got a whole
raft of new products

we're working on with real THC.

Craig. Silas.

Air!

Now he knows, Zachary.

Hello, Mr. Doug.

Hola, Miguel. It's Maria.

We're starting a charity?

Your foundation
was granted a license

to operate a facility for
the homeless of this county.

You've 48 hours to
manifest a legitimate

facility and avoid
prosecution for fraud.

Did Angela tell you

she's been assigned to
her father's old precinct?



Where are you headed?

I have an age requirement.
I have to wait a year.

I got a gig for you.

Welcome, son. You've
reached the inner circle.

Mark Powell, Regional Manager.

Never seen results like this.

We've got a gold mine
on our hands here.

You wanted to see me?

I need your car
keys. Give 'em up.

Why?

In one month, you racked up
more scripts on that limp pot pill

than Becky Lipstein.

Yay!

Who's Becky Lipstein? A god.

You did me a favor.
Now, I'm returning it.

For starters, you're getting a
better car, and you're gonna need it.

This is you now.

What's me?

Western New England, upstate
New York, parts of Pennsylvania.

You'll spend two weeks
here, two weeks out.

This is a promotion,
if you want it.

I can do more.

That's a pretty big territory.

No, I mean more than Maritor.

I want more lines, really
stick it to Becky Lipstein.

Fair enough, favorite.

Lipid regulator, prostate,
prostate, antipsychotic, diabetes.

Ah. This is a fun one.

This is our Adderall generic.

2,000 samples. ADHD
is very hot right now.

Each one needs to be
accounted for by a physician.

Ah. Hot, hot, hot.

Start local, work your way
out. Make appointments.

Map your route. Go get 'em!

What are you so happy about?

I get to go to work today.

You like your job?

Are you kidding?

I only left it for two minutes.

I was in the baggage
claim waiting on my niece.

Sir, if you leave
your car unattended

in the red zone,
it will get towed.

You have to pay $300
to the city of New York.

$300? Do I look like I got $300?

I got three kids! My
ex-wife moved to Canada,

and I got half a tapeworm
leaking out of my asshole!

Is there a problem here?

He's being mean.

Go ahead and back up 10 feet.

Go on.

One, two, five, nine. Thank you.

This is bullshit!

You look cute in that jumpsuit.

I thought this job
was gonna be fun.

Now I want to kill myself.

What's this?

Jelly munchkins.
You're good to me.

Let's go, Mullen!
217 in progress.

Nice! Let's roll!

Man, I want a 217!

Hang in there.
Please be careful.

Bye. That's right.

Wave. Wave like a bitch.

I'll be in your neck of
the woods next Thursday.

Is that good? Great.

Love New Hampshire. Bye.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm having a private
snack. Away from people.

Your tub is beautiful.
Mine's shaped like a coffin.

Shouldn't you be not here?

Is that pate?

Close the door.

Yes! Foie gras. Bought a case.

Super deal. Fuck
those fat geese.

You can't eat that. You're
pregnant. Is... Is that wine?

I'm not pregnant.

Menopause.

Sadistically early menopause.

My new hormonal stew
spat out a false positive.

I saw an OB/GYN.

I'm old.

I'm an old mare who
can't have babies.

I'm our mom with a bag of
frozen grapes on her face.

Which means you're
next. You're next.

You just find out or
when was all this?

Yeah, like three weeks ago.

Three weeks? Jesus, Jill.

What? I like secrets.
They're all I have.

Drink with me.

Uh, Andy.

You need to tell him.

Uh-uh. Not your call.

Yes. My call.

My wine, my bathroom,
my brother-in-law. My call.

There are holes in
my life. Many holes.

I've tried to fill them with
coupons and dick and babies.

There are so many holes

that now I, myself,
have become a hole.

Hollow, fallow, empty.

Except for Andy. I like him.

You know he'll leave me.

Uh...

He'll understand.

You don't even want us together.

Are you kidding me? Andy?
Have you listened to him lately?

Not one fractured fairy
tale from the good old days.

Not one, "Remember that time
I tripped on a leprechaun and...

"Blah, blah."

You make him look
forward. Don't F this up.

I will tell him when I tell him.

Or I can tell him. No!

I'm sorry. He's late.

Would you like his
latte? He never drinks it.

Oh, no, thank you. I'm early.

What you peddlin'?

Uh... ADHD. Adderall. Generic.

Ah. The speedy stuff.

My grandson goes to Conn
College, up in New London.

I can unload those for
10 bucks a pill on campus.

Twenty during rush week.

Keeps the party goin'. You in?

Okay.

No joke. 30%.

Two thousand extra bones a
month. I'll account for everything.

You don't have to
lift a finger. I'm Joan.

Nancy.

So, do we have a deal?

Why would you peg me for
someone who, you know...

Do I just radiate
criminal vibes?

Prison tattoo on your shoulder.

Right.

That and nobody's ever said no.

Dr. Friedman can see you now.

Think about it.

Hey, come here. Look at this.

See those little white
hairs on the stem?

Yeah. If you bury those
underground, that becomes the roots.

You could bury the whole
plant if we were outside.

Wow. Oh! Look at this!
These guys are ready to eat.

Mmm. Oh, my God.
That's good. Here.

I don't like tomatoes.

Yeah, but they're not
just regular tomatoes.

Those are Shayla and Taylor
tomatoes. You grew 'em, right?

Mmm. Amazing!

Right?

Jill, wanna try?

Um, girls, go inside the house.

What kind of stank strain
you brewin' over there?

Smells like ass.

You want to see
how ours match up?

I could throw down.

So, let's throw down.

Blow smoke at caged
raccoons and see

which one eats the most Cheetos

in a set amount of time?

Bring it on.

What are you up to? I'm on 34.

I have no idea. I lost count.

Sixty-two.

Sixty-two? Bullshit!

Who's got the munchies?

Yeah! Sixty-three. Sixty-three.

No way. Fuck your raccoony face!

Gentlemen. Nope.

We don't do that.
We don't roll up

$15,000,000 of R&D and smoke it.

Fuck, guys! These
cages had labels.

One of them has
testicular cancer.

Now I don't know which. PETA
already wants this place torched!

That said, who won?

Interesting. Show me your plant.

Providence to Fall River.

Fall River to Quincy.

Quincy to Nashua.

Hey, Stevie, what's
the capital of New York?

Bagels? That's not a...

What about, uh, Pennsylvania?

Pittsburgh? Who taught you that?

Shane.

Hey, Stevie, what's the
capital of Connecticut?

I don't know. Sure you do.

Think hard. Come on.

Prison?

What? That's not a city, silly.

You lived there.

Hello, there,
beautiful. Mind if I sit?

Thank you. Thanks.

Me, Doug Wilson. You,
homeless lady on milk crate.

I come from Old Sandwich,
land of great wealth.

It is a place three
days walk from here.

Or 10 minute car ride.

It is there where
I run my shelter

for those that do not have roof.

You understand "roof"?

These are photographs
of my roof shelter.

Without tenants like yourself, the
state inspector will shut us down.

Boo!

That's why we need you. How's that
sound? Does that sound pretty good?

God!

Three weeks? You
made me think of names.

You made me go
shopping for your vitamins.

I got a job.

I Amazoned "Go the Fuck
to Sleep." I called Audra.

Who's Audra? My
ex. She's an OB/GYN.

I wanted to know when they kick.

Fourteen weeks! Ask me!
You don't have to call your ex!

You weren't here! You were off
somewhere not being pregnant.

Getting drunk off your fibs!
Not that it matters, anyway.

She didn't pick up.
I left a voicemail.

But I put it out into
the world! I told people!

I had a mold taken.

What does that mean?

For prosthetic toes. Why
do you need fake toes?

To have a whole foot!
To not be a freak father.

So we could enjoy a beach.

"Socks with sandals?
Lame! Lame dad! Lame!"

It's menopause,
Andy. It's not a choice.

I gotta go to work.
Little Jews need me.

You lied. Do not leave the room.

You never, never leave the room.

Both my sons work.

My sister and my best friend are

having a sexy cry-fest
behind closed doors.

And your last words of
advice, well, they really worked.

It's nice to see you again.

Everywhere I look,
I see temptation.

Me, too. I mean, we all do.

What do you do about it?

You see, the Talmud, it's
like our supplement Bible,

believes that God puts every man
equal distance from yetzer hatov,

which is good, and
yetzer hara, which is evil.

Yester...

Yetzer hara.

But it's not evil, per se. It
describes the inclination we all have

to pervert our most basic
needs, so food becomes gluttony.

Money, greed. Love, lust.

You know, that night by the
pool, I really wanted to kiss you.

So, why didn't
you? I don't know.

I mean, I made a choice.

Yeah, well, I
didn't come here to

talk about that
night by the pool.

Oh.

Then what are we talking about?

I am struggling with a
questionable business decision.

Oh!

It's no different.

No? No.

God puts everyone 5 miles from
yetzer hara and 5 miles from yetzer hatov.

But he doesn't nudge. He wants
us all to make the right choice.

He gives us all a
chance at perfection.

Isn't perfection subjective?

Sure.

You're a woman,
Manuel. She'll listen to you.

It's Maria.

She needs our help.
You're doing the Lord's work.

Without this
charity, I am broke.

No money. No space
suit. We need her.

Okay. I try.

Hola. My friend is a good man.

He will help you, yes?

Okay, ask her
again. Ask her nicely.

No! Ask her nicely!

One more time.

All right, come on,
walk it off. Walk it off.

What silver lining? Where?

Sex! We can have sex.
We can have so much sex.

Sex without condoms.
Sex with wild abandon.

Plus, no more bloating,
no more cramping,

I'll receive a rapid influx
of elegance and grace.

Can't they put eggs back inside
you? Why don't we use Nancy's?

What? She's your
sister. Is that weird?

What do you want? Crying
babies or screaming orgasms?

Let's adopt.

Hmm?

Hi. Nancy, from earlier.

Uh, I've given deep
religious thought to

what we talked
about, the college,

and it's not for me.

Here you go, all finished.

It doesn't get any
easier than this.

What about China? I love China!

Huge waiting list,
though. It takes like

three years and
they only have girls.

I want one of those gymnasts.

What about Russia?

Oh! Russia.

Russians blend well. But
they're emotionally detached.

They'll choke us in our sleep.

What about the French?

Uh... Can you adopt the French?

Probably not. Yeah.

Or Africa? Mmm.

We're not worthy.

Cambodia? Vietnam?

We'd have to travel.

I'd travel with you.

Yeah?

We could travel first class.

We could use Scott's miles.

He has a ton.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I can't stop thinking about
what my child would look like.

Who he would be.

We tried.

We did.

How far is it from
beginning to end?

Too far.

What's up? I quit.

Here's your cut. What cut?

We sold the Pantera, the
Porsche and the Mercedes.

This is Pigeon Mike,
named for his love of pigeons.

I like pigeons.

Mike's gonna need
your keys. Cough 'em up.

But those cars were
seized in a bust.

Hey, hey, hey, look,
kid, half the cars here

are repo'd from dealers
and gangbangers.

Dealer walks on a technicality,

comes for his ride,
but it ain't here.

We cashed it in.

Say it fell off a dock, got
lost in the computer manifesto.

You know what we call that?

Justice?

He who holds the
keys gets the cheese.

Hey. Still want out?

Why are you so happy?

I have the coolest
job in the world.

Lucky you.

He's gone.

Another one gone. I am so
angry at you my eyes hurt.

Oh, I forgot.

I put a fake baby in you. This
is totally my fault. Oops on me.

You think you're so subtle with
your manipulations? I had a plan.

What? What was your plan?

Get fat. Get fatter.

Then get a baby
at the baby place.

Huh. Go on.

I could have had another week. I
could have gotten him to propose.

Oh. Entrapment. Nice.

Look at me!

Well, what do you want? Do
you want me to talk to him?

Do you want my ice
cream soup? What?

No! I don't want your ice cream!

I want to melt
your fucking soul,

you smug, fucking shit monster!

I want to jam this
in your head hole.

Well, Jill, there is no
hole. See? Spackled shut.

Right. Well, of course.
You have no holes.

You live this incredible,
insane life of intrigue and danger

where you break the law and get
away with it and you never, ever die!

You never die! And
I can't even bleed!

Well, I'm glad

I'm so invincible
and mesmerizing

from where you're
standing, what with

my new job, touring
the covered bridges

of greater New
England, where I have

to leave my kid for
two weeks every month

and he has to beg someone else
to make him bear-head pancakes,

and he thinks bagels is a
city while I hawk ADD pills.

So before this conversation
splinters off into the fifth act of Medea,

let me just begin with, you're
a better mother than me!

What?

You give them your time.
You set good examples.

Generally speaking.

Your kids are smart.
Stevie... Stevie will need tutors.

And therapy.

Stevie plays soccer. He'll
be an alpha male. All good.

Taylor is gonna stab
the prom queen and

Shayla's gonna get
date raped by fishermen.

Please, you had a
little me and a little you

and they're gonna be
fine because you give

a shit about them
and they know it.

Really? Yes.

How are the girls? Are they
okay with what's happening?

They'll be fine.
They'll get back to

school before the
new school year.

They'll be back
with their friends.

I'll have to get a job.
I'll be in a cubicle,

or I'll have to beg
Scott for an allowance.

I'll resume my boring life.

Maybe I'll get a
dog, a Labradoodle.

What are you doing tomorrow?

Packing. Why?

"The cats nestle
close to their kittens.

"The lambs have lain
down with the sheep.

"You're cozy and warm in your bed,
my dear. Please go the fuck to sleep."

Hey, hey.

911, what's your emergency?

Hi.

Yeah, uh, well, my
car has been stolen.

Okay. I'll have to take
down some information.

Okay.

I'm so sorry.

It's okay. It's okay. Really.

All my pills were in
there, all my work.

This is why we have insurance.

I don't understand
how this happened.

No.

Look at me. Look at me.

Hi.

Hi.

Albany, Harrisburg, Hartford.

Atlantis.

Tan... Tal...

Tallahassee.

Aus...

Austin.