Weeds (2005–2012): Season 8, Episode 10 - Threshold - full transcript

Previously on Weeds.

What kind of stank strain
you brewin' over there?

You want to see
how ours match up?

I'll throw down.

Crick Montgomery, ma'am.

He's from a tobacco company.

You're phenomenally
gifted, but your talents

are being wasted
at Smith Johnson.

I think we can offer
you a heck of a lot more.

I'd love to see the labs.

Funny thing. There are
no labs. We're underground.



There's basically just this cardboard
box and a sack full of money

sitting in an offshore
bank account.

Douglas S. Wilson Foundation.

You have to take whoever
comes in. DSS will be checking.

Oh, Jesus.

Wanna ride?

You're tickling my foot.

I'm not touching your foot.

Where's my gun?
This one's for Ice Pick.

And double-blueberry
tall stack, extra blueberries.

Oh, uh, I didn't
order blueberries.

Oh, yeah, but they're in season.
You don't want to miss 'em.

Andrew Botwin and Joanna Jacobs.

LaPlante Industries?



You needed a name. It was the
first thing that popped into my head.

What if I wanted to
name our fake company?

What would you have named it?

Silation Productions.

'Cause that's what you
do? You Silate the plants?

I do. I Silate the
shit out of them.

Only after they've
been "LaPlanted."

Thanks for your patience.

We need to check the
balance on an account.

LaPlante Industries. It was
just opened yesterday. Remotely.

Account number? NANCY: One sec.

Yeah.

I have Smints. No?

There was one deposit made
yesterday. Here is your balance.

Well, here it goes. Threshold.

This is the entry. Okay.

Would you like
a full tour, wife?

Wife? Wow, we haven't
even made it official yet.

Well, that could be rectified
immediately. I love your priorities.

Stairs are right over...

There. Status updated.

Status updated?

I'm officially married
now. Wow, this is so real.

Ooh!

First "Like." Ha! Oh.

Okay, come on, 'cause you
have to meet my roommates.

Can I expect that all the time,

or is this a
particularly good day?

Both.

You know, I think my
head's in an anthill.

We could have moved.

No, you know what, it actually
added to the experience.

Maybe you can expand
on that after lunch.

All right.

Anything kosher in the bag?

Shit, I totally forgot. Shit.

It's okay, it's all right.

The cheese hasn't touched
the prosciutto, it's Camembert.

And crackers and grapes.

It sounds delicious.

I'm sorry, I should have thought
about that. No, that's all right.

Bad rabbi's girlfriend.

Girlfriend?

A friend, who's a girl, who
has a friend that is a rabbi.

Yup.

How can you do this?

Well, when a boy
and a girl get this

warm feeling inside themselves...
I'm serious. I'm serious.

What? They do. They just...

You're a rabbi.

I know.

I'm like a giant shiksa.
Isn't this verboten?

Yes, yes, it is, it is.

It is completely
fundamentally antithetical to

the Jewish purpose
and the Jewish identity.

It's a problem.

Oh.

But, Nancy, I'm willing
to find a solution, okay?

There's so much
time. And we're new.

And I really, really like you.

I like you, too.

I want you to come to Shabbat
dinner tonight at my house.

I invited some
friends over, okay?

What kind of friends?

Friends, old
friends, close friends.

You want me to
meet your friends. Yes.

Are you scared?

Yes. No.

Good, me, too.

All right, here we are. Come
on, hurry up. Come on. Move it.

Lift up those feet. Mush! Mush!

Come on, try to stay
ahead of the smell.

Last one in is a rotten
egg. Oh, sorry, Greg.

Huh. Not too shabby, right?

I believe, "Thank you," are
the words you're looking for.

Jesus, a week ago you guys were
living in a dumpster eating cat food.

I'm fucking Santa Claus.

All right, Chex Mix for
Jeff. Lunchables for Pete.

Rudy, I know you
said fruit platter,

but I got you boxes
of Fruit Gushers.

I think you'll be
pleasantly surprised.

Just one room?

Oh, no.

Welcome to our valued
guests, where your comfort...

Voila! Girls in
there, boys here.

Okay, well, have fun.

Don't fuck anything up. No
room service, no massages,

and don't even think
about dry-cleaning.

Okay, see, this is
what I'm talking about.

Hey, is that Charity
Cox under there?

No! No, no, no, no, no!

"No?" What do you mean, "No?"
This is porn. There's no, "No," in porn,

unless it's like a rape-fantasy
thing. What's his deal?

Rudy hates porn.

My God, you people have issues.
You ever think about therapy?

Fucking idiots.

Just be happy we found it.

Okay, let's check it out.

Ooh, yeah, just like
that. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

What the fuck do we do?

I don't know. Come back?

No, I need this car. You need
your gun. Give me your Taser.

No. Yes. Come on.

Oh, yeah. Oh.

God.

My dick.

Shit.

Mom? You changing?

No.

I need a checkbook for
the LaPlante account.

I want to get going with
warehouse space, equipment.

I figure if I take some of my
best seedlings from the lab,

clone them in these kick-ass
grow-pods that I found online,

but they're not cheap,

so I figured, with
the 350 I would...

We're not spending that 350.

We're not? No, of course not.

Should I even ask your
opinion about shoes?

So, what is your
scheme? God help us.

I'm working on
it. Slow your roll.

Why are things never easy
with you? I just wanna grow.

I know, honey, I know. You
will. It's new, there's time.

We just have to
think it through.

Um...

Do I look kosher?

Not even remotely.

Nope, didn't think so.

You a cold, cold motherfucker.

Let it be a lesson.

Hey, you was doing the same.

Was not.

You wasn't fucking in somebody
else's car? That wasn't you?

Maybe we should get him
to a hospital or something.

Yeah, he good. Walk it off, Jaq.

Ice Pick? Is that you, baby?

Oh, my... Gus?

What the fuck you doing here?

The fuck you doing, Charlemagne?

And why you calling
Ice Pick "baby"?

You doing him behind my back?

Why is Jaq's pants down?

If you would just step back...

Oh, no, you told me
you quit, motherfucker.

I'ma tell Ice Pick and
he gonna send a crew

to shove a bat
so far up your ass,

they're gonna call
you Fudge Pop.

Yeah? Yeah.

All right, well, if Jaq's dick is in
my mouth and my dick is in yours

and Ice Pick
dick is in your ass,

then it's like Ice
Pick fucked Jaq.

And he ain't gonna like that.

You know what?

No, no, no! No, no, no!

Mother fuck! Oh!

Yeah, y'all all motherfuckers!

Fuck!

And we're in the
back of the van.

Shrooms are kicking in for all
of us, especially the meter maid.

She'd gone supernova.
I hop in the front,

pull out right into
the back of a truck

packed with live,
mooing beef cattle.

Long story short, no
longer allowed in Texas.

But holy shit.

The Spring break is fun.

Did you guys see
Steph's tweet? Awesome.

Loved it. So brief.
Why tell a full story?

So, hey, we should
celebrate tonight. Big feast.

You are gonna be
astounded by what

your husband can
do in the kitchen.

What am I talking about,
cook? Let's go out. Into the city.

Drink, smoke, roll,
whatever. Fucking kill it.

I saw those energy drinks in
there. I know you're with me.

No, those are for when
we're up late, aggregating.

I'm sorry? Aggregating? Content.

Okay, I think we're all set.

Joanna, my darling,
youthful bride,

what say we get out of here,
spend some quality time, just us?

You're gonna
miss the party later?

Party? Party? Okay,
maybe I misjudged you guys.

It's an '80s party. Okay, it's
like DayGlo and bad music.

It's super fun.

DayGlo and bad music?

What else was there?

What else was
there? Get in the car.

So, how this goes is
up to you right now.

Is pomegranate
juice bullshit or not?

Uh, total bullshit. Yes!

Wait, now. No, come on.

Told you, Dave, new
friends. It's, like, all marketing.

It's good for the prostate. Are
you an expert on the prostate?

Yes. I'm gonna say yes. Oh my...

You swore you
wouldn't say anything!

Are we talking about that tickler
thing that you shoved up his...

Nancy, Dave told us
you were in marketing?

So, we're done with
prostate and pomegranate?

No, no, no, that's, yeah, we're,
yes, please. Yes, we're done.

You said marketing,
right? I wasn't actually sure.

Yeah, it's marketing.
It's boring stuff, though.

You know what has brilliant
marketing? Toroshiki. Right?

Yeah, I mean, we
should just... Yes.

We should get up and go
there right now. Let's go.

It is amazing. No offense,
Dave. This is good.

No, this is Ina
Garten's roast chicken.

Ina and I are both
deeply offended.

I'm so sorry. What's Toroshiki?

Oh, new sushi place.

Yeah, the menu
has only two options,

the, "Have Faith,"
which is chef's choice,

and the, "Don't
Have Faith," which is

directions to the
closest McDonald's.

It's awesome, right?

If you don't have trust issues.

You know, it's really beautiful

when you don't have
to make a decision.

I mean, to just sit down, eat,

and you know it's gonna
be delicious? It's worth it.

You know what? Too many
choices? It makes people miserable.

Yeah. JESSE: Nancy,

do you wanna come stay at
our cottage next weekend? Oh...

Yeah, why not? It's beautiful.

It's up on Lake Candlewood. It's
gonna be so much fun. We're all going.

Don't put Nancy
on the spot, okay?

Oh, I'm in. Really, she's...

If Dave is, yeah.

Great. It's... Yeah,
yeah, that's great.

Absolutely, of course. It is,
it's great. That's a good idea.

Yeah, I'm gonna
go get... Uh... What?

Just more wine. Sure.

Fun. ELLEN: How much fun.

Did we come on too strong
with the cottage invite?

I'm sorry. But we just want...
We wanna see Dave happy,

and he seems happy
lately, you know?

Um...

This?

It's Gabby, yeah.

And this was taken...

Seder, two years ago.

So it's only been...

You know, 15 months.

And I'm the first girl
he's brought around?

Yeah. Yeah.

Um...

I'll see you back at the table.

Booyah! Busted!

Don't jump to conclusions here.

What's in the bag, Silas?

Tell me it's your
softball uniform.

We don't even
have a softball team.

Damn it, you're stealing?

I'm not stealing.

I thought maybe I
would experiment

with the growth in a
different environment.

You're not gonna believe that.

Zachary.

You're annoying.
Be a silent annoying.

We're pretty strict here
on this kind of thing,

hence, the security, the badges,

the gigantic, absurd
Fort Knox Batcave door.

Come on, Silas!

I'm sorry. It will
not happen again.

I could have you arrested.

Do it!

Leave the plants.
Give me your badge.

Can't you go faster?

I'm doing my best.
I can't see very well.

God, sorry, I just
want this over.

Okay, fine, let's
get this over with.

Oh, my God.

Shane, we're being
pulled over. Fuck!

We're being pulled over!

What do I do? Pull over!

Shit, shit, shit.

Fuck! What's our story?

I don't know.
Think of something.

Nice car. You should
take better care of it.

License and
registration, please.

Hey, wino, you gonna
save some for the rest of us?

I'm not gonna do the
cottage thing next weekend.

Oh. It's okay. It's your call.

Yeah. I figure it'll be hot and
mosquitoey and I hate tubing

and you don't want me there.

I never said that. I never said
that, Nancy. It's okay. It's okay.

Your wife was beautiful.

Thank you.

That has nothing
to do with this.

You never said how long
it had been. It's 15 months.

Well, I told Andy and I
thought it would trickle down.

Normally, a good strategy.

Um, I don't know
how to say this.

Um...

I don't think you're ready.

What does that
mean? It means, um,

that I don't even
know how long...

It means I don't
even know how long

it took me to get
this far after Judah.

Listen, the Jewish mourning
period is 30 days, shloshim.

That ended, um,
400-plus days ago.

I'm on my 12th haircut since
then and I'll tell you something,

I'm still stuck in fucking
shloshim and I am done with it.

I am so done with it.

Come on, can we please just go

listen to Jesse bitch
about the Yankees, please?

Bunch of overpaid dick bags.

Oh, God damn it, Jesse, shut it.

I don't want to be your first
toe-dip back into the dating pool.

I'm sorry. I know how that ends.

Yeah, maybe you're
right. Maybe I forced things,

but you know something?

A beautiful, smart woman
ends up in my pool, naked,

it's hard not to take
that as a sign from God.

I don't even know where you're
from. I don't know what you do.

Detroit. And I sell pot.

I'm sorry. It felt
good to be open.

Wow. Uh...

I'm a not-Jewish pot dealer

and I should go.

So that's it? We're done?

I don't know.

Okay, so you don't know
who drove the General Lee.

I've never heard
deadmau5. That's no big deal.

That's all window dressing.
What's important is the foundation,

and that is strong.

We both like fresh
fruit and children.

As long as somebody
else is growing them.

Oh, that is good. I
should tweet that.

Yeah, um, okay.

But you want to grow
some yourself, right?

Children, not fruit?

Oh. Definitely, yeah, I mean, in
like, you know, a bajillion years, but...

Oh, no.

"Bajillion" is not a word.

Neither is "tweet," "derp" or
"fersh." So, how much is a bajillion?

Like eight, 10 years.
I mean, I'm only 22.

I play with my cousins,
and they're so cute,

but they're also,
like, a lot of work,

and I'm not ready to be a mom.

Why did you marry me?

Because I thought it'd be fun.

And you remind me of my dad.

That was nice. I felt that,
right here. Yeah, nice.

Sure, all right, who's next?

Before I do my healing yell,

I'd like to talk a
bit about my son.

Sure, family, yeah. We all have
loved ones we've left behind.

How old is he now?

Oh, he's not born
yet. I'm from the future.

Nobody believes me.

Sorry to disturb you, sir, but we've
had some complaints about yelling.

Is this one of those
quack heroin-detox things?

Uh-uh. Get the hell out.

I beg your pardon.
These are not junkies,

maybe a few are,

but no one's trying to
get sober in here, okay?

And I'm sorry if we
disturbed other guests

in the middle of their
lily-white, non-molesty lives,

but we are working on
our shit in here, together,

and we're staying, right, guys?

Am I right, guys?

Yeah, now, you could fight
us, Monica, or you can join us.

Join you? Look, I see
the pain in your eyes.

I see the sadness. Come
on, Monica. Come and join us.

Okay.

Make room, everyone.
This is Monica.

Hi. ALL: Hi, Monica.

Please. Thank you.

Got fired today.

Lost my plants. Shit.

God damn it, world.

What have we done to deserve
such improbably cruel fates?

We?

I got married this morning.

Let's run away together, Silas.

You must be Nancy. Hi,
I'm Jo. I'm Andy's wife.

Does she know?

I can't tell. Let me
watch her walk.

Oh, yeah. She knows.

Mazel tov.

Oh, thanks, yeah.

I made a horrible
decision. Aw...

We're planning a post-wedding,
pre-divorce bachelor party.

Try and squeeze
it in on Tuesday.

So, I'm sure you have a
treasure trove of questions.

Go ahead. Fire away.

You caught me on an off day.

Oh...

But you wore those
awesome shoes.

Yeah. Good shoes, bad timing.

Okay, I am curious.

Fresh blueberries and young
eggs. Got one whiff and dove in.

Completely ignored the 20
years of railroad between us.

She's hopping aboard, and
I'm already at the second stop,

ticket punched, and two trains,

even if they're on the same
track, they will not meet.

He's telling a story problem.

With no correct answer, exactly.

Although, I do stand by the fact

your average 22-year-old could
not keep up with me if they tried.

Bunch of pussies,
present company excluded.

I may have broken
up with a rabbi tonight.

May have? Well, it
wasn't totally clear.

Thought you guys
had it figured out.

Turns out rabbis are better at
dealing with other people's problems.

Didn't you date a rabbi?

Mmm...

Yael. Yael, Yael, Yael.

She was a rabbinical teacher.

Teacher of many things. Yael.

Also, I told him I sold pot.

I thought we were
keeping a low profile.

It felt good to be
honest with him.

Also, this is who
I am. I sell pot.

Except that you don't.

You're half pharma rep,

half quasi-managerial hanger-on-er
with a tobacco company.

There's no pot-selling there.

"F" that.

What was that? I'm nervous.

Um...

I don't know. I'm judging the
walk. Anger? Melancholy? Purpose?

She's thinking.

God bless her.

I'm sad, too, Mr. Powell, yeah.

Okay, bye.

Sushi?

What was that?

I just quit Smith Johnson.

Can you still get your
seedlings from the lab?

I was fired yesterday.

Mmm.

Not ideal. Well,
we'll go elsewhere.

Elsewhere? What's going on?

I've been doing some thinking.

Clearly.

About the tobacco money.

A, we don't need anywhere near
that much money to make them happy.

B, if they're willing to invest
that much in the growing,

think of the opportunity
on the retail side.

You're really missing
out on the yellowtail.

Right now retail
is in dispensaries.

Terrible, clinical word,

with bars on the window,
confusing menus, scary bouncers.

The future is not
in dispensaries.

I want to open, like, something
bright with a good vibe, good music,

a pretty room without rows
and rows of paralyzing options.

We offer one brand, our brand,

like MILF, that you grow
and perfect, and I sell.

This is what people
want. Let's give it to them.

It's not terrible.

It's pretty good.

Have faith.