Weeds (2005–2012): Season 8, Episode 11 - God Willing and the Creek Don't Rise - full transcript

Previously on Weeds.

Your foundation
was granted a license

to operate a facility for
the homeless of this county.

Make room, everyone.
This is Monica.

All right, who's next?

I'm from the future.

I can't see very well.

What do I do? Pull over!

License and
registration, please.

I made a horrible decision.

Hi, I'm Jo. I'm Andy's wife.



Didn't you date a rabbi?

Mm.

Yael. Yael, Yael, Yael.

She was a rabbinical teacher.

The future is not
in dispensaries.

I want to open something bright.

We offer one brand, our brand,

like MILF, that you grow.

Can you still get your
seedlings from the lab?

I was fired yesterday.

Mm.

Not ideal. Well,
we'll go elsewhere.

Elsewhere?

Hi!



I should have gone to Conrad's
with her. I'd have convinced him.

No! It's better she went
alone, considering their history.

Is there anyone on this planet
that woman has not slept with?

Sorry. No, it's fine.

I'm completely onto
other things, great things.

Joanna.

Joanna?

Your wife.

Oh. Her? No, no.
I'm talking about Yael.

Yael of rabbinical school.

Yael of sharp
tongue and eyebrows,

like the throwing
blades of the Mossad.

Oh. That's why you tagged
along, to bone some ex-girlfriend?

Not just bone. I'm a get her.

There's a reason that you need MILF
seeds and Conrad moved to Agrestic.

It's all part of a bigger plan.

It's called Regrestic now.

Yes, it's a
repressive, soulless,

brown recluse-infested
hell-scape,

but I was on a trajectory here,

and I think there's a possibility
that journey was taking me,

cowed and limping,
back to her, back to Yael.

You're losing it.

Or maybe I'm finding it.

Do you guys have a restroom?

And I'm thinking maybe your
journey here wasn't finished, either.

Please, aside
from my pot strain,

there's nothing
back here for me.

Hello? Excuse me.

See. Bigger plan.

Here's Stevie. He's
at soccer camp.

We think he might
go pro next year.

He's cute. I don't
have any MILF, okay?

I don't have any MILF seeds.
I don't have any MILF cuttings.

And I don't believe you.

I've been out of
the game for a year.

You could have
saved yourself a trip.

I know you worked for
Heylia until a year ago.

And I know you.

Yes, no. Things have changed.
I'm in the health game now.

Health game? That's
right, juice cleanses.

Got a hook-up with an organic
fruit farm out in Temecula.

Profit margins are unbelievable.

I want you to grow for me.

We've got this
classic detox line.

It's just basically
cayenne and aloe vera.

Grow for me. Or
the root program.

Now, the root program's easy.

All it is, is carrots,
beets, added chlorophyll.

We were good
together. Yes, listen.

Here's the funny thing, okay?

The liver does an incredible
job of eliminating toxins,

so basically these
women are paying me $300

to deliver wishes to their
house every morning.

You have some, don't you? Seeds.

It didn't matter. Even
if I did, what would I...

No, no, no! Because,
no, no, now listen,

I am done with grow houses.
I'm not making that mistake again!

You let me worry about where.

No, don't worry about shit!

MILF doesn't even
grow back east.

No, I'm not listening.

Something about the solar? Yes,
yes, yes... I'm not listening to you.

Nancy!

Uh, hi, Pam.

Where have you been? I
haven't seen you in at least a year.

Oh, uh.

Maybe a little longer than that.

Sorry, memory's fuzzy
from the shock treatments.

Good news, the
sex addiction is gone.

You and Celia are so cliquey,
I never see you anymore.

Are you coming to the wedding?

What wedding?

There you are. You
have to write checks

to the caterer, the cake lady...

Hi, are you the harpist?

Excuse me, Mr. Conrad, they
need to measure your inseam.

No problem, Lupita. I'll be...

La bruja!

My wedding. ALISON: Our wedding.

Driving a known drug vehicle
with a busted windshield?

I was just trying to
impress my girlfriend.

We know about the
scam at the impound lot.

I don't know anything
about a scam.

We have the names.
Testify, incident expunged.

Or you take the auto-theft
charge and you do some time.

I've seen your file, Botwin.
You could be a star on the force.

You're just gonna throw it
away? For what? Ouellette?

He's a crooked, alcoholic,
walking arterial blockage

who does not give
a shit about you.

You have 48 hours.

Mm.

I'm experiencing the
most powerful deja vu.

It's like you and I were frozen,

loaded onto a UFO,

flown 10 to the
power of nine parsecs

to the earth's
distant twin planet,

and reanimated for this moment.

And nothing's different except
this planet rotates west to east,

the atmosphere has a little
more argon than we're used to,

and you have bangs now.

I'm sorry. Do you have
a child in Hebrew school?

No. No, I don't have a child.

Yael, don't you remember
me? It's me, Andy Botwin.

No. I'm sorry.

His name is Lars...

Guinard.

He drives hot
rods, plays guitar.

He's fucking dumb
as a bag of rocks.

Your mom should be locked up.

Oh, she was.

So, how did you
end up back here?

I was living in New
York after school.

I had the smallest apartment
and broke, smelly boyfriend,

but I loved it.

Then my dad got sick.

I'm sorry.

You know, when
you left, vanished,

I think, I remember the sign.

I was heartbroken.

My parents wanted
me away from you.

I poked holes in our condoms.

That's why you got
pregnant. I was desperate.

I didn't want you to go to
Princeton and leave me here.

Megan, I'm so sorry.

What the fuck.

I know, I know, but I loved you,

and I loved you,
I just loved you.

I loved you. You are
the only girl I ever loved.

Still, to this day.

Holy shit.

I've never loved anyone
else, never even came close.

Fuck.

Do you still love me?

Could you? Is that ridiculous?

No.

It's not ridiculous.

Fuck.

What do we do now?

Wow! Where'd you
learn to break like that?

Our robot butler taught me.

Right, right. Because
you're from the future.

Ow!

You okay, Doug?

I don't think my
family loves me.

Your wife and kids?
Of course, they love you.

No, fuck those guys.
My son's an ass bandit.

My wife married the
grandpa from Cosby,

and my daughters
think I'm dog shit.

I'm talking about my
real-life family, the Botwins.

I bought them this house,
and they always exclude me,

make me babysit.

Speaking of which, if
you see a little Mexican kid

in a soccer jersey running
around, give a shout-out.

Where are they now?

Took off on a vacation.
Didn't even tell me.

Don't worry, Doug.
Everything gets better for you.

What are you talking about?

Soon, you become
a very great man.

Ow!

Waltz positions, everybody.
One, two, three, four.

So, what are you doing here?

Alison likes the 'burbs.
Prices were low after the fire,

and, well, I had a few
fond memories of the place.

I bought you something.

It's five acres, good soil.

Plus, I've enrolled you in the
Southwest Compassionate Collective,

so you're legal.

You bought a piece of land?

MILF is gonna grow here,
Conrad. You're gonna make it grow.

That's lovely.

Wow, you got it all figured out.

One small detail. You
can't grow in these valleys.

It's all owned.

I bought it.

Owned, as in territory. Gangs.

You have to pay them a
tax. That's if they even okay it.

So, I'll go talk to them.

No, you won't.

'Cause guess who's
back in charge?

He's out? You're sure?

Yeah, it's 2006
all up in this bitch.

They're running with the
same crew, so if I was you,

I'd work on that
getting-out-of-town-now thing.

I look forward to a photo.

Be safe.

Your tuition check bounced.

God damn it! This fucking
wedding is killing me.

Do not go to Guillermo.

Choo-choo!

Choo-choo! Yeah!

Choo-choo!

Hey, whose birthday
are we celebrating?

Or is it a quinceanera?

You got to admit, you
guys really like picnics,

so sometimes it's kind of hard
to identify the specific occasion.

Actually, this one's
gonna be a funeral.

Be nice. We're in public.

Let's go. Let's go.

You know, I don't get it. Murder,
kidnapping, how did you get out?

I hired me the lawyer that
got Jerry Seinfeld's wife off

for stealing that cookbook idea.

Sorry, "allegedly."

Yeah. You did what you
needed to do to get out.

I never ratted.

They forgot to read
me my Miranda rights.

They got the color of the
car we were driving wrong.

Evidence was tainted. Whatever.

You're out now. Back on
top, right where you used to be.

That's right. I got me a reboot,
like the new Hobbit movie.

The Hobbit isn't a reboot.
Spider-Man's a reboot.

The Hulk is a
reboot. Which Hulk?

There's two, or three
counting The Avengers.

Get the fuck off my train.

You shouldn't have come back.
I told you, you don't belong here.

I'm getting back in the
business. I need your blessing.

You don't have it. You
don't got shit from me,

other than mild curiosity and...

Begrudging admiration?

An undying desire
to majorly fuck you up.

Aww.

Stop, Guillermo.
Reboot, this is business.

No, Blanca, this is personal.

Oye!

Take her somewhere
private. I got to take this.

Let's go.

You made it. Come on in.

I got you an orange cranberry
scone, but I got hungry.

How you doing?

Been better.

Why? Is everything okay at home?

I told you, I got pinched.

Listen to this guy.

So dramatic.

Here, I got you something.

Signed by Mel
Stottlemyre himself.

I ate my first piece of
snatch wearing that glove.

They want me to rat.

What are you talking about?

The impound yard.

You mean the one which
you stole a car from?

Borrowed a car, which
you were gonna sell

and disappear from the registry.

You know what I'm talking about.

Here's all I know. You call me in
a panic, I go out, I get you a scone,

I get you a nice,
fucking meaningful gift

because you did something
so colossally fucking stupid

that you can't get
on the force now.

Then I figure you need
a little bit of a pick-me-up

because it's got to be a
goddamn daunting thing

to fucking reconsider your
entire fucking life trajectory!

Mitch. Shut the fuck up, Botwin!

I saved you. You
know what that means?

Do the right fucking thing.

Listen, everybody! I have
seen what's inside this building!

I want you to stop, turn
around and walk away.

There's nothing inside,
for we are dying meat.

We're meat, and
we're un-special,

and no one remembers
us, and we're utterly alone.

So, do yourself a
favor and walk away.

There's no plan.

There's nothing but randomness
and chaos and entropy

and a slow, certain
decomposition of everything you are

and everyone you've ever loved

into their tiny, friendless,
meaty little components.

Hey, did you get that,
man? I'm really serious.

How'd you find me?

Went to your old house.
You were leaving. I followed.

Shame, I was looking forward
to one of your old barbecues,

burnt meat and Tecate.

I never burn my meat.

Oh, it's okay. Happens to
every guy now and again.

You're under the impression
you could just make a joke,

smile, do a brick
dance, and somehow,

what, everything becomes okay?

Worked for me so far.

Nah, we older.

Death is closer.

We're gonna work together again.

You miscalculated, Blanca.

You still think of us as the old
Nancy and the old Guillermo.

Those two poor
fuckers are so innocent,

they don't know that they got 10,000
miles of bad road ahead of them.

They got no idea what's coming.

Man, put down the gun, Cocolo.

No, no, no, you
put down the gun,

or I will blow this motherfucker's
head clear to Glendale.

Guillermo, Guillermo,
I've seen the future.

The future is in legalized pot.

You think the Chinese, the
Vietnamese gangs are tough?

Corporations are the biggest
thugs you've ever seen.

I'm offering you an in.

You let us grow here, I make
you a shareholder. Ground floor.

Forget Guillermo
Garcia Gomez, criminal.

Now it's Guillermo Garcia
Gomez, board member.

You get a foothold in on the
east coast and not with Tres Seis,

you'll get in right.

Money so clean you
could see through it.

So, what, are you guys, like,
boyfriend and girlfriend again?

We were never
boyfriend and girlfriend.

Well, we... I...

No, we did it, like,
what, one time?

Twice. Twice?

When was the second time?

Ah, must not have
made an impression, man.

So what's it gonna be?
Are you gonna stay here,

this low-level gangster shit?

Or you gonna come
into the future, with us?

Mm.

Listen, everybody, no
group therapy tonight.

For I have good news.

A prophet came unto
me, came from the future,

he told me that I would
be a leader of men.

Right away, I knew
that future Doug

probably figured out
some kind of scam.

So I was up all last night
reading tax code, and did you know

an even better shelter for
government tit-money than a charity

is religion?

This is bullshit. I'm out of here.
- Yeah.

You see? Every religion
begins with a betrayal.

So, like, at first, I'm
all, "Free money,"

but then I remembered that
God actually did touch me.

A few years ago, these asshole
Mexicans dumped me into a grave.

I prayed to God and
a phone call saved me.

So, go on, Rudy!

Go back to pooping in a garbage
can and have your 'Nam flashbacks.

Or stay here with me.

Get in on the ground
floor of this thing.

Who knows? This could turn
out to be a big hunk of bullshit.

But it'll be our
hunk of bullshit.

That's right, y'all.

This is gonna be the most
awesomest fucking cult,

I mean religion, in the world,

for finally, Doug
Wilson is a great man.

Now, everyone, it's
time for sacraments.

Doug.

You know I'm not
really from the future.

I just have borderline
personality disorder.

Shut the fuck up,
Greg. Sit down.

That's right, breathe
it in, take it in, hold it.

Hold in Doug Wilson.
Let him live inside you.

The idea of being a cop

is maybe the only thing I've
ever loved, including people,

and why would I give that
up for some piece of garbage,

who, you're right, doesn't
give a crap about me?

Good choice, kid.

Now, who brought you in
on the impound-yard scam?

That said, you guys
are fucking assholes!

I don't think I want to be a part of
a force who pays cowards like you

to get in the way of actual
cops doing an actual job.

What the fuck are
you doing in here?

What, you fucking came at
me? What the fuck was that?

I was in character!

What the fuck is going on?

I gotta tell you, for a second
there, I thought, "Oh, shit.

"He's gonna start singing like
Melissa fucking Manchester."

But you didn't, you
beautiful little son of a bitch.

This is all a setup? You
guys aren't internal affairs?

No! Zapf works mail fraud.
Crowley's a fucking meter maid.

You did get fucking pulled
over 'cause you're a dumb fuck,

but that disappeared.

Fuck you, Mitch! I
almost split town.

So you got a little
fucking scared.

You're gonna get scared a
lot on this fucking job, okay?

I had to figure out what
was gonna win out in you,

whether it was gonna
be fear or fucking loyalty,

and maybe break your
balls a little bit along the way,

you fucking car thief.

No more of that now.

So, you want this or what?

Can I get a drink?

Excuse me.

Miss Nancy,

I'm so sorry about before.

This is my new
husband, Federico.

Oh, hello.

Listen, can you e-mail
me a recommendation?

'Cause Courteney Cox needs a
new domestic for her house in Ojai.

No problem. Excuse me.

Oh, could I get a...

Mom.

Hi, Mrs. Botwin.

Megan, holy shit! Hi!

Wow! Wow! How did this happen?

I don't know. But
it's happening.

She's gonna come back with us.

Wow, that's perfect, somehow.

Um...

Wow.

And here, seeds.

What's that?

Our future.

Fuck it.

Mm.

Thanks. Congratulations.

Thanks. And thank
you for the advance.

At least now I can pay off
some of these fucking vultures.

So you really got this thing,
whatever it is we're doing,

you really got it figured out?

God willing and
the creek don't rise.

In my experience, the creek.

She always rises.

Maybe we'll get lucky this time.

Thank you.

You want to get out of here?

Have you taken me to
the spot where Judah died?

I avoided driving down
this street for three years,

and it's a direct shot
to, like, everything.

Oh, my God. This is so dark.

His CD player was right there.

I don't think I
ever got it back.

Do you think these guys took it?

Should we knock?

"Excuse me, my husband died in
front of your house a decade ago,

"and I'm pretty sure
you took his Discman."

Oh, God.

This is it.

What?

I told myself I was coming
to help you out with the kids,

but the truth is, Nance,
I was in the wilderness.

I was nowhere.

We all were. Except I still am.

What are you saying?

You are so, so,
so, so bad for me.

Stop. You always say this.

I once asked you to
release me, but you wouldn't,

and so I followed you home, yet
again, and you knew I fucking would.

Ow. Shut up. And I always would.

Shut up. You're
freaking me out. Fuck!

Shut up!

I'm not going back to
Connecticut with you.

I'm done.

No.

All I wanted was you.

You were all I wanted.
And you never wanted me.

Yeah,

this is how it
happens, I leave now.

What? Please say goodbye to...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Come on.

Wait, no.

Don't leave me.

Oh, fuck, yeah.

Whoa.

No, no. No, no, wait, no.

Andy.

Andy!