Weeds (2005–2012): Season 8, Episode 12 - It's Time, Part 1 - full transcript
It's Part 1 of the WEEDS series finale. The Botwins (and Doug!) are at a crossroads. How will it all end?
So, I think it's
really important
that we remember that
this isn't about safety.
It's about fear.
Our children do not need to
wear helmets to play soccer.
They're not helmets.
They're headgear.
And do you know
how many children
suffered concussions this year?
I believe it was
one. Your child.
And I'm really sorry,
but it wasn't even when
he was heading the ball.
It was when he ran into the
goalpost, so... That's not true.
Dude, is that the widow?
Yep.
She was married to that rabbi who
went over the cliff on Avernous Road.
Swerved to avoid a bear.
I heard about that. protects
against concussions.
She's the one who
owns all those stores.
They're hot, and
sweaty, and expensive,
and you can't
properly head in them.
She's rich and thin.
Your wife's rich.
My wife's a potato.
A smoothie maker.
Look, we're all here every day
giving our time to the school.
Who's her kid?
Steve Bloom. Now
suddenly there's an issue that
affects your kid, and
you show up? Yes.
I'm here to argue for
the interests of my child.
I think the rabbi adopted him.
Our children are
in middle school.
They don't need us
here every single day.
Okay, well, I'd like
to put it to a vote.
I wonder if she's lonely.
All those in favor of protective
headgear for the soccer team,
please say "aye."
Aye.
You wonder away there, buddy.
Well, you still can't
force them to wear it.
Okay. We'll see.
So how'd it go? The
team is getting helmets,
but that doesn't mean
you have to wear one.
That is total bullshit. I
want to go to Minnesota.
Stevie, it's been a really,
really hard year for both of us,
but I'm not sending
you to boarding school.
I can't play spring soccer
looking like a retard.
Did you tell them you
can't head in those things?
I did. I did. But it's
not over yet, okay?
Of course it is.
They're gonna make us wear
them, and my game is gonna suck,
and I'll start hating
soccer, so I'll quit,
and then I'll just end up
working in one of your stores
like those zombies who
worship Uncle Doug.
Sounds like a plan.
Mom. I'm serious.
I sent in the application.
Stevie, can we not
do this now, please?
The academics are
really good, too. Stevie!
After tomorrow, I'm a man.
How about we get
through your Bar Mitzvah,
and then we discuss the rights and
privileges of your new adult status?
Think about it.
We can skip the teen-angsty time
where I eventually
start to hate you,
and we could just
have happy holidays.
It's so much healthier.
We spend way too
much time together.
You're gonna make me gay.
Go back to class, all
right? I'll pick you up at 3:00.
I'm sure that there's goat's
milk at my mom's house.
Hey. Hey.
I'm not angry at her.
Why should you be?
If you love me,
you'll try to get along.
Please.
We're here for Stevie's
Bar Mitzvah. Not business.
Next, please.
Speaking of which, pack
of Puff Dragons, please.
You hear that, Flora?
It's time for you to give
me back Mama's boobies.
Don't tell her that.
Timmy, what don't
you want to tell me?
You have to pick up the
cake yourself tomorrow.
There's time between
the service and the party.
What the F? Can't
you get it for me?
No. You know I can't. I have
to maintain my boundaries.
Saturdays and Sundays off.
What else?
Do you know what time
Andy's flight gets in?
Silas handled all the
correspondence with him.
All I know is that
he RSVP'd yes.
Anyhoo, the caterer
is on her way.
You have meetings with two
new cup distributors on Monday,
and here is a
stack of stuff to sign.
Legal wants to talk to
you about allegations
of serving minors
in stores 14 and 43,
and the DJ got your playlist,
but he said that he won't
play the Hava Nagila.
He says that it's a cliche.
It's tradition.
Make him play it.
Fine.
What else?
After this meeting,
you're all clear.
But you do have
a date on Tuesday
with a game theory strategist
named Norman Hass.
He's 60, divorced,
two grown kids,
runs half-marathons,
likes to cook.
Oh, God.
But, I can always cancel. No.
All right, then,
we'll talk Monday.
You have a great weekend, Nancy.
Don't forget dry cleaner
on your way home.
Thank you, Tim.
Taste-testing the product?
Virgin.
Got to keep my wits about me.
Not me. I'm higher than
a Georgia Pine 24/7.
Perfect.
How's life in Dixie?
It's the fucking third world.
I fear for my people, Nance.
Rest of the country
has healthcare,
has marijuana, and tax
revenue from marijuana.
My dumbass, sore-loser
region invoked states' rights
and keeps its folks
sick and angry.
I bought a townhouse in Chelsea.
My kid is being Bar Mitzvahed
tomorrow. I have things to do.
Guess my invite got lost.
I don't really like you, Crick.
I don't think you should have
anything to do with my business.
Not how I see it.
You took my money to start
it, and I took fair compensation.
Fair? No, I don't think I would
say that. Can we please skip this?
I come bearing good news.
Starbucks wants to buy us.
What? All 50 stores. All-in.
How much?
Why didn't they come to me?
'Cause I went to them.
It's my business.
Silas is on board. So is Doug.
So is Conrad. So is
Mr. Garcia-Gomez.
Well, bully for you
boys. I own 51%.
That's why I'm here.
We want to sell.
Well, we must be doing something
very right if Starbucks wants to buy us.
Oh, horse shit. Excuse me?
We can all be set for life,
but you want to hold on to
your corporate job so bad?
It's my corporation.
Come on!
Why buy the cow when you
can have a bird in your hand?
Go have an adventure.
I had my adventures.
Now I date men named Norman.
Jesus!
What happened to you? You
used to be such a spark plug.
Time and loss have mellowed me.
Well, you ain't dead yet,
and this is a win, not a loss.
Listen to me, Nancy. This
is an amazing offer. Take it.
I know it's the right thing.
Go fuck yourself.
You have a great Bar
Mitzvah, Mrs. Bloom.
Here it is. Camelot.
Botwinlot. Fuckingham Palace.
I would have sucked your dick
weeks ago if I had seen this place.
All right. Let's go.
Hello? Mom?
Hi, Megan.
Oh, shit. She really is deaf.
You weren't kidding, huh?
Hello.
I am Beatrice, Mitch's
girlfriend. But he won't marry me.
Hey. Hey.
Where's Mom? Where's Mom?
No one's here. We just flew in.
I'm Tiffani.
I think it's really awesome
of you to marry, you know...
Thank you.
So, Silas, how's
business in California?
Oh, it's fine, Mitch.
How's retirement?
It's fucking great.
I got half my bennies,
and the rest I fill in
with all sorts of
shit I got going on.
I sold four Frank Thomas
rookie cards this morning
to some little Japanese fucker.
The guy must have
been out of his mind
to pay what he did
for the Big fucking Hurt.
I mean, the guy was a
solid .300 career hitter,
but a real disappointment
when you think about it.
You're a real disappointment
when you think about it.
It's not even lunchtime.
It's not every day
your half-Mexican
half-brother gets Bar Mitzvahed.
Still can't believe
that's your brother.
He's so much hotter than you.
She looks a lot like your dad.
Funny.
Has Lars met his granddaughter?
I'm not gonna talk about this.
Like there are any
secrets left in this family.
There are plenty of
secrets left in this family.
Secrets are the
privilege of the rich.
What the fuck does
that even mean?
Never mind. It's just...
I've been done with
secrets for years.
No more. Really?
Okay.
Did you guys know Shane
once killed a woman?
Welcome home.
Your dry cleaning will
be ready in 53 seconds.
You sure Uncle Andy's coming?
Of course he is. He RSVP'd.
He'll come.
Payment received. Thank you.
He didn't come to the funeral.
Well, the funeral
was about Daddy.
This is about you.
He'll show up for you.
How do you know?
You don't talk to him.
He talks to Silas. Ask Silas.
Do you even know
if Silas is coming?
What if no one shows up?
What if we threw a Bar
Mitzvah and no one came?
Then it's more cake for us.
And all your friends are coming.
They keep calling
it "the Jewish party."
Well, it is. It's
the Jewish party.
And you're the guest of honor.
If Daddy were here...
Please don't go there.
I won't go there
if you cut the shit.
And there'll be
presents and cash.
Enough to pay for
boarding school?
Oh, relentless.
You're relentless.
Look who's talking.
This isn't my dress.
Hello!
Hello! Is anyone human here?
Can I get you a
drink, Guru Doug?
Thank you, Cinnamon. I
would like watermelon juice.
It's winter. There's
no watermelon juice.
But I want some.
I'll find you some, Guru Doug.
Wow. That's impressive.
What can I say? She
wants to make me happy.
Is it working? Fuck yeah.
I'm loved. I'm rich. Very rich.
I bought Stevie a helicopter
for his Jewish party.
Have I mentioned I sleep
with all three of them?
Sometimes at the same time.
It's very spiritual.
Good to know.
So, where's Nancy?
I called her. She had a
meeting. She'll be here soon.
The meeting? The meeting.
What's "the meeting"?
We got an offer.
On what?
On the stores, the
whole company.
Perfect. The rich get richer.
Hey. You chose a side, Officer.
Sorry our business became
legal and ruined all your fun.
I need a drink.
Honey, this young
man wants a drink.
What would you like? Scotch.
We don't touch alcohol. Would
you like a sacrament beverage?
What the fuck is a
sacrament beverage?
Pot drink. What your
mom sells. It's our elixir.
Why do you think my
people all work at her shops?
So you can exploit
them for cheap labor.
Hey, watch it. We are
happy and productive.
We are doing good for the world.
We feed the hungry,
we put people to work,
and all we ask for in
exchange is total devotion.
Who are all these people?
Friends. Out-of-towners.
Do I even know them?
You know your brothers.
Hopefully, Andy's
in there somewhere.
Oh, my God! Is that Flora?
She got so big!
Nancy, I am trying to nurse.
I... I see that.
Does the baby want
another blanket?
The baby's fine.
Congratulations, Stevie.
Thanks, Megan.
Hey, Mom. I'm... I'm going in.
Okay, sweetie.
I'll be in in a sec.
Hey, baby.
Hey. It's Nana. I'm your
nana. Remember me?
Please, don't distract her.
Oh.
Sorry.
So, did you guys
have a good trip up?
Relatively easy?
Megan?
It's really cold out.
I'm still not exactly sure
what it is I ever did to you.
And would it have killed you
to put her in one of those
little dresses I bought?
They were from Paris.
I love Silas, too, you know?
Very much. I just
want him to be happy,
and hopefully that's
what you want, too,
or I might have to kill you.
Did you say something?
Oh, I just asked if I could hold
the baby, but you just... Later, okay?
I'll let you nurse in peace.
Me and Sanjay married
10 years next month.
I don't understand.
How do you do it?
Separate bedrooms, separate
bathrooms, and no questions.
Oh, I feel you.
You want to see my babies?
Yeah.
These are my boys. That's
Jimmy-Jam. He big now.
And that's Tay-Tay and
Freon, and that's little Obama.
Oh, so adorable, huh?
You got kids?
Three girls and a boy.
Yeah? You got pictures? Oh, no.
They're all grown up now.
My son doesn't talk to me.
What?
Oh, you can't go through
life not talking to your child.
What's the matter with
you? Go make that shit right.
Did Andy tell you he was coming?
I've had way too much cock
in my mouth to be a vegan.
See, I didn't need
to hear all that.
I'm just trying to eat my salad.
You ever hear from Ignacio?
No.
I haven't talked to him since
he started his cosplay company.
So, my brother-in-law, Andy,
he's supposed to be here for Stevie.
He should be here.
What the fuck is that?
Oh, it's from my sister,
Jill. She's living in India.
It's Kali, the goddess
of time and change.
You start as
earthbound handmaiden,
but if you ascend
to celestial helpmate,
you'll share the quarters with
us in Guru Doug's holy chambers.
You people are fucking
nuts. You know that, right?
Press that button.
You just started my car.
Cool. What else can it do?
That's it.
How's Isabel?
You mean Bruce?
Bruce?
Yeah. Sex change.
Isabel is a boy.
If you can only fit one
finger in, she's too young.
Five fingers, she's too old.
It's the finger test.
You want to be a man,
you got to know this shit.
Hey, have you heard
from Andy at all?
How much you weigh?
That's a personal question.
You want to wrestle,
you let me know.
No one's eating, and I
think Andy's a no-show.
I live on a boat.
Sail away with me.
Oh, Christ. I've always
loved you, Nancy.
This will never happen.
I had to give it a shot.
Conrad's about to
be a daddy again.
Yeah. His wife's expecting
twins any day now.
That's why he ain't here.
You got kids?
Sure, I got kids. I
got 10 kids, man.
Two of my oldest boys
are running bath salts up
from Mexico for me now.
Couldn't be prouder.
Jesus. What is this
obsession with sons?
They're your legacy.
I wish I was there,
too. How's it going?
I think we've sold,
maybe, two paintings.
Which ones?
Waffle Summer and
The Big One Green.
Oh, I love The Big Green One.
The Big One Green,
not The Big Green One.
Oh, someone's at the door.
Do you want to hold on?
No, but I will call you later
from the hotel. Love you.
Love you.
Shh.
Who is it? Flower
delivery for Josh Wilson.
Oh, he didn't. I
should be the one...
Oh, my God.
Oye, muchacho.
Sorry. I don't speak Spanish.
You don't speak
Spanish? Seriously?
Esteban Reyes Jr.
Doesn't speak Spanish?
That's wrong. That's
a fucking disgrace.
So, you and my birth
dad were tight, huh?
We had a complicated
relationship.
He was brilliant.
And scary.
I respected him.
What's that?
I'm on this high-carb diet thing
where you eat
cereal in the morning
and then pasta
the rest of the day.
I lost 12 pounds,
but, man, I'm sick of it.
Things we do for health, huh?
My dad was scary?
Yeah.
But in a real calm
way, you know?
Which made him even scarier.
He kept a white
lion in the house.
I saw him feed a
snitch to it once.
Your mother ever
tell you about the lion?
Wait.
What?
No. My dad was a politician.
He was framed
by the drug cartels
for trying to fight them
and then killed in prison.
Son, your dad was a
gangster, not a pussy.
Okay? What the hell your
mother been telling you?
He wasn't killed in prison?
Yeah, that part's true,
but your father was king
shit narco jefe numero uno.
And you're his only son.
You need to know this shit.
Hey. Hey, lady.
You throw one hell of a shindig,
and I love that you're
wearing that slinky red dress
at your age.
It's good on you.
I'll see you in
church. Jew church.
Come on, people.
No. No, you're not. You're
not driving anywhere.
Not with my kid in the car.
Then I'll drive. Give it here.
Shane. What happened to you?
He became a man.
Come on, Bea-Bea.
Let's make like a bread
truck and haul buns!
No. No. I don't think so.
You want a mangosteen
nectar? Jesus Christ.
False prophet. It's all about
me now. I've read the articles.
You're looking
good. You still gay?
Still gay. Still hate you.
What am I doing here, Doug?
I'd like to reconnect.
Oh. Go fuck yourself.
I have people
that'll do that for me.
Josh, I've changed.
I'm enlightened now.
Let's have a relationship.
A relationship? You
want a relationship?
You kicked me out of the house
at the age of 17, disowned me,
told me that you hoped
that I choked on a cock,
then you ran out on Mom and
the girls and never came back.
Oh, I'm all good with them now.
Gave your mom all the back
alimony and child support,
bought each of
the girls a condo.
You want a condo? No, I don't.
And I don't have anything
to say to you, so I'm leaving.
I believe Rocket... Guru
Doug is still talking to you.
Get out of my way.
I should have led
with the condo offer.
Andy.
Oh, my God.
Josh, what are you doing here?
Doug kidnapped me and
tried to get me to like him.
Listen, I'm waiting for a
cab, and it's freezing out.
Do you mind if I...
No, sure. Come in.
Wow!
Josh, oh, my God.
Can I get you something to eat?
We have teff salad, ostrich
kabobs, Happy Herbert's.
We have so much
food. No one ate.
I'm good. Thanks.
You...
You're all grown up.
Yeah. Time will do that.
You're looking good, Ms. B.
Keeping up on all the
latest cosmetic innovations?
I like the tiger stripes.
Well, a girl's got
to reinvent herself.
Can I get you a drink?
You know what? I really
just... I want to get home.
They scared my dog, and she
probably peed all over the hardwood.
Oh. You have nice floors?
I have beautiful floors.
Are you happy?
I'm good. I got to say,
I'm... I'm really good.
I'm glad, Josh. I'm really glad.
You're married?
A painter. Alan Spiller.
No kidding! I own
The Big Blue One.
The Blue One Big. Right, right.
How funny is that? He's your
husband. He's so talented.
Are you an artist,
too? I'm a lawyer.
Oh! Sorry.
I know. Well, I always
was good at bullshit.
I mean, at least now
they're paying me for it, right?
But I'm all solid-citizen
and everything.
Kids? Talking about it.
Well, just pray they don't grow
up to be teenagers like you were.
I turned out all right.
Yeah. How does that happen?
You get lucky, therapy,
and I got to say that Doug was a
piece of shit, but my mom was awesome.
Is awesome.
I mean, she always
fought for me.
That's me.
Listen, it's really good
seeing you, Ms. B.
Take care. You, too, Josh.
You look hot.
Yeah. Thanks.
Silas.
I changed her last.
It's your mother.
What time is it?
It's very late, and
Andy's not here yet.
Mom, I'm sleeping.
What time was his
plane supposed to get in?
He said he'd be here for dinner.
How often do you talk to him?
Not a lot.
He got really busy after
the restaurant opened.
What restaurant?
Why won't he talk to
me? What's his problem?
Andy lives in Ren Mar.
Really? In that house?
Redid the whole
place. Looks great.
And Lenny?
He died four years ago.
Andy said Lenny's
last words were,
"You got to be
fucking kidding me."
And he's got a daughter.
She's three.
Her name's Leni,
but with an "I."
L-E-N-I.
Like Riefenstahl? Who?
A not-good namesake.
Yeah, well, she's a pistol.
And beautiful.
Sassy.
He's amazing with her.
And the... The mother?
Her name's Annika.
She was a waitress
at the restaurant.
He always loved waitresses.
"They bring you food, and when
you sit, their boobs are at eye level."
Are they married?
No. Friends.
They share
custody. All amicable.
He has a restaurant.
That's perfect.
It's nice. It's small.
It's one of those places
that people come,
and he just cooks
whatever he feels like.
All fresh and seasonal
and everything.
He's been written
up a few times.
He's made a very sweet life.
I think he's happy, Mom.
Yeah?
Yeah.
He's not coming, is he?
Making frittatas.
Leek and asparagus.
You know, we got
lots of leftovers.
Yeah, well, still
gonna make them.
Where is everybody?
I figured there'd
be a full house.
Andy! Hey, Megan.
Look at that little
nipple sucker!
Hi, Flora. Hey, you
delicious little thing.
It's your Uncle Andy. I
know it's been a while.
You remember me? Huh?
Is that a tooth?
Do I see a tooth?
Two. Two teeth?
Good work.
Nancy, do you
have any goat milk?
No, I have oat and hemp.
But no goat? No goat. Sorry.
Your daddy should
listen to me, shouldn't he?
You only like goat milk. Oh, no.
Hey, would you run to
the store, then, Nance?
I would go, but I'm
in the middle, here.
Yes. I'll see you in a bit.
Our scripture
says how good it is
when brothers and sisters
can dwell together in harmony.
Today let us come
together and worship
as these two young people
show what they have learned,
what they have been,
and demonstrate what they mean
to our people and to our nation,
and let us say, Amen.
Amen.
My Torah portion is Exodus,
and I wrote a whole nice speech
about how it's a metaphor
for the immigrant experience,
but I'm not gonna read that.
I wrote a new speech last
night, and I like it better,
so that's what I'm gonna read.
My name is not
really Steven Bloom.
I mean, David Bloom adopted
me, and I loved him very much,
but before I was Steven
Bloom, I was Steven Botwin,
and that wasn't right, either.
Because, really, I'm
Esteban Reyes Jr.
My father was a Mexican
gangster and drug kingpin,
and the former mayor of Tijuana.
And I think he was Catholic.
And my mother is Methodist.
I know she converted for Dave,
but, seriously, once a Methodist...
So, I'm not Jewish.
At all.
My brothers are half Jewish.
Maybe not Silas.
My uncle is full-on,
and the man I called
"Dad" for years was a rabbi.
But, nope, not me.
I am not chosen.
And, honestly, I
don't choose to be.
I don't know what
my religion is.
It may turn out to be
there-is-no-God-ism.
I'll let you all
know where I land.
In the meantime, I'd
like to take this time
to call bullshit on
this whole show...
Which is what it is.
It's one big show for family
and friends to feel good about,
but I don't feel so good,
and I don't know who I am.
And I want to go
to boarding school.
Thank you.
China Birenbaum-Katz will
speak next about Shimini.
Oh, my God.
I don't think I'm Jewish, either.
I'm Chinese, for God's sake.
You're Jewish,
China. You are Jewish.
And Mom and I love you.
We love you, China.
Give your speech.
Don't let him throw
you. This is your day.
Thank you so much for
coming. The party's still on.
Thank you. Hi. Thank
you so much for coming.
Thank you...
He was awesome. Worth the trip.
Are you gonna yell at me?
No.
And we're still
having the party?
Yes.
We are still having the party.
Are you mad?
You know, I'm not.
I'm... I'm really not.
That was...
Quite a speech.
Why didn't you tell me
the truth about my dad?
What is the truth
about your dad?
Guillermo said he was a
king, and I'm the prince.
Huh.
When you wiki
him, none of the stuff
Guillermo talks about comes up.
You can't believe
everything you wiki, huh?
And, technically,
you are Jewish.
What are you talking about?
You had a bris. You
entered into the covenant.
Andy insisted on it. If anyone's
your real father, it's him.
Just what I need. More fathers.
But you look like
Esteban. He was
very handsome.
And he was so
proud to have a son.
Your history is very
confusing to me.
I'm gonna let you
go to boarding school.
Are you serious?
I'm serious.
Go. Play soccer.
Make friends. Never
learn to hate me.
Thank you. You're welcome.
Sit down, Prince Steven.
Eat your leftovers. Save
your energy for the party.
Come on! I need you to
come get the cake with me.
Mom, I have a really bad...
Now! Do it! Move it! Now!
Mommy wants to spend
some time with you, okay?
I'm talking about getting
you some help, Shane,
'cause you're not
doing very well.
I'm doing fine.
Can I help you?
Hey. Picking up. Bloom.
Do you guys have a bathroom?
Sorry. Employees only.
It's cool,
sweetheart. It's cool.
These florentines?
Fuck, yeah, florentines.
It's supposed to say,
"Mazel Tov, Stevie."
Okay.
14 letters times $1.50
comes to $21.50.
What the fuck are you
talking about? Shane, please.
Each letter costs $1.50.
Letters are free.
Who say letters are free?
Me. The police.
The Constitution! The First
Amendment! But it's cool. It's cool.
I'll buy your vowel,
Princess Florentine Cookie.
I'll let you fleece me
for my A's and my B's
and my L-M-N-O's while I
stand here like some dope,
some big fucking dope.
You said, "Mazel
Tov, Steven"? Stevie!
S-T-E-V-I-E!
How much is it now?
You're lucky I'm Russian.
It's lonely at the
top. I miss you, man.
Did you hear Dean's
little girl got a dick now?
I know. He put up my
drywall. Does great work.
Look at this.
Celebration of manhood.
Family all together.
It's beautiful.
I'm not sure why the
kid's dressed like Scarface.
My one regret about leaving
was not seeing him grow up.
I got to go.
Who is it? UPS.
You've got to be
fucking kidding me.
Shane, come home. Live with me.
You can have your
old room back. Mom.
I'm not making this offer
because I'm afraid to be alone.
I'm making it because
I'm your mother,
and I care about you, and
you're not in a good way.
I...
Hear me out.
It's time to grow up.
I don't think moving back in with my
mommy is gonna help me grow up.
You shot a cake.
I know. I know. I'm a
mess. I'm gonna deal with it.
How? I'll break up with Tiffani.
Not good enough.
I'll take some time off.
More.
I'll see a therapist.
Almost there.
I'll check into rehab.
Good.
Ouellette went to this
place in the Catskills that...
You may not do anything
Ouellette has done.
Okay.
I'll find a different place.
I'll get real help.
Professional help.
I'm ready.
Good.
Maybe we can find you a
rehab place in Pittsburgh.
I'm very fond of you.
You want a jackfruit smoothie?
I had more I wanted to say.
You ever heard of a phone?
I wanted to do
this face-to-face.
I'm a face-to-face guy.
It's one of my things.
I conduct a whole face-to-face
weekend in Idyllwild every Arbor Day.
Three grand per head. That
includes soup, jerky and a tote bag.
Josh, wait! Wait! I
sucked a dick once.
Jesus, Dad.
Guru Dad, actually.
But that is not the point.
Josh, please come back.
Hear me out. Please?
I fucked up.
I have a blind cousin.
You two should meet.
Hey, guys. Hey.
Hey, baby. You want
to dance with Nana?
Megan, I had three babies of my
own. I promise I won't break her.
Okay.
I tried to be nice, I
tried to be generous,
and she treats
me like I beat you
and put cigarettes
out on your arm.
I tried to do what was
in our best interests.
I probably failed often
and spectacularly,
but you turned out to
be a remarkable man,
so I must have done
something right?
God damn it, Silas. Make
your wife be nice to me.
Like I can make her do anything.
She's gonna do and say
and feel whatever she wants.
There's nothing I
can or will do about it.
I love you, Mom, but she's where
I live. She's how I spend my days.
Oh, my God.
You like it... You like it
when she's mean to me.
You resent me,
and you can't say it.
If I have a problem
with you, I'll tell you.
I don't need my wife to
stick her hand up my ass
and make my mouth move.
Were you mother of the year? No.
Did you hurt me? Yes.
Do I carry around resentment
and spend my days railing
against what could have been
if only I'd had a
normal childhood?
I don't.
I really don't.
I wake up in the morning, I kiss
my baby, and I kiss my beautiful wife.
I swim in the ocean, and I
grow my plants, and I feel lucky.
Sorry, Mom.
It's not about you.
Yeah.
Oh, thank God. Where
the hell have you been?
I have been so worried.
I almost called the police.
I checked the home cam, and
Barbie has peed all over the floor.
I made up with my dad.
Holy shit.
Yep. I guess they're ice
skating in hell about now.
Wow.
Ain't life strange?
Hey.
Oh, God.
Come here.
I'm sorry about your dad.
"He didn't die. He
busted out of the game."
That's what he had me
put on his headstone.
And you have a kid, who
you named after a Nazi.
Well, she was a
pioneer of filmmaking.
I don't believe in
holding grudges.
I missed you.
Silas seems happy.
Yeah. Megan's good for him.
And Shane...
Shane needs a
new circle of friends.
You think?
Come back.
It won't be like it used
to be. It'll be better.
Nance, my plane
leaves tomorrow morning,
I have Leni at 3:00, Annika
has to get to work by 4:00.
Sunday is daddy-daughter
movie night.
We're seeing
Herbie The Love Bug.
I'll give you 40%
of the business.
50%.
Equal partners. What
you always wanted.
I don't want 50%
of your business.
Take it all. The whole thing.
Take all the money, and... And
start your own restaurant here.
God knows downtown needs it.
And you can... You can bring your kid.
You know that yard at the house?
We'll get a big swing
set with a tower thing
and a tube slide.
And there's a
hill up the street,
and I have two
toboggans in the garage...
The nice wood kind.
Your kid should toboggan
and... And jump in leaves
and walk in the gray, dirty
slush the day after it snows,
get salt stains on her shoes.
She should know the feeling
of walking to school in a blizzard
and not feeling her own
limbs. It builds character.
Nance, I have a life I
like. I'm not leaving it.
Okay.
I get it. Surf. You want surf.
I'll come to you.
I lived in Ren Mar
before. I'll do it again.
I don't need the house. I'll
sell it. It's just a reminder.
Stop it.
Andy, my husband is
dead, and my family...
Stop it.
You're gonna be fine.
Things happen. Things
change. We can't control it.
But the one thing that you can
control is how you think about it.
So look at it this
way, you're free.
You did your job. Now it's done.
No one there to answer to.
No one to come home to.
No one to hold you back
from becoming the person
you always wanted to be,
doing only what you want to do.
Who is that?
What is that?
Time for you to figure it out.
You helped me when I
was lost, gave me a home.
A family and purpose.
And I'll always
be grateful to you.
And I'll always, always love
you, Pants, but I can't be near you.
That doesn't work. But
you're gonna be fine.
You're so strong. So,
time for you to face yourself.
Okay, fine. Sell.
Sell it. I'm done. Let it go.
You made me happier than a
puppy with two peckers, Nancy.
Yeah, yeah.
I really think you're making...
And then there were none.
Before we eat dessert, I
just want to thank you all
for coming to my
almost-Bar Mitzvah.
I want to thank my
brother Silas and Megan,
and my Uncle Andy
and Uncle Doug,
and all my mom's friends
who flew in from California.
I want to thank my brother
Shane and all my friends.
I love you all.
But most of all, I want
to thank you, Mom.
You've always been
there for me, and I love you.
And I'm going to boarding
school next year, so let's party!
really important
that we remember that
this isn't about safety.
It's about fear.
Our children do not need to
wear helmets to play soccer.
They're not helmets.
They're headgear.
And do you know
how many children
suffered concussions this year?
I believe it was
one. Your child.
And I'm really sorry,
but it wasn't even when
he was heading the ball.
It was when he ran into the
goalpost, so... That's not true.
Dude, is that the widow?
Yep.
She was married to that rabbi who
went over the cliff on Avernous Road.
Swerved to avoid a bear.
I heard about that. protects
against concussions.
She's the one who
owns all those stores.
They're hot, and
sweaty, and expensive,
and you can't
properly head in them.
She's rich and thin.
Your wife's rich.
My wife's a potato.
A smoothie maker.
Look, we're all here every day
giving our time to the school.
Who's her kid?
Steve Bloom. Now
suddenly there's an issue that
affects your kid, and
you show up? Yes.
I'm here to argue for
the interests of my child.
I think the rabbi adopted him.
Our children are
in middle school.
They don't need us
here every single day.
Okay, well, I'd like
to put it to a vote.
I wonder if she's lonely.
All those in favor of protective
headgear for the soccer team,
please say "aye."
Aye.
You wonder away there, buddy.
Well, you still can't
force them to wear it.
Okay. We'll see.
So how'd it go? The
team is getting helmets,
but that doesn't mean
you have to wear one.
That is total bullshit. I
want to go to Minnesota.
Stevie, it's been a really,
really hard year for both of us,
but I'm not sending
you to boarding school.
I can't play spring soccer
looking like a retard.
Did you tell them you
can't head in those things?
I did. I did. But it's
not over yet, okay?
Of course it is.
They're gonna make us wear
them, and my game is gonna suck,
and I'll start hating
soccer, so I'll quit,
and then I'll just end up
working in one of your stores
like those zombies who
worship Uncle Doug.
Sounds like a plan.
Mom. I'm serious.
I sent in the application.
Stevie, can we not
do this now, please?
The academics are
really good, too. Stevie!
After tomorrow, I'm a man.
How about we get
through your Bar Mitzvah,
and then we discuss the rights and
privileges of your new adult status?
Think about it.
We can skip the teen-angsty time
where I eventually
start to hate you,
and we could just
have happy holidays.
It's so much healthier.
We spend way too
much time together.
You're gonna make me gay.
Go back to class, all
right? I'll pick you up at 3:00.
I'm sure that there's goat's
milk at my mom's house.
Hey. Hey.
I'm not angry at her.
Why should you be?
If you love me,
you'll try to get along.
Please.
We're here for Stevie's
Bar Mitzvah. Not business.
Next, please.
Speaking of which, pack
of Puff Dragons, please.
You hear that, Flora?
It's time for you to give
me back Mama's boobies.
Don't tell her that.
Timmy, what don't
you want to tell me?
You have to pick up the
cake yourself tomorrow.
There's time between
the service and the party.
What the F? Can't
you get it for me?
No. You know I can't. I have
to maintain my boundaries.
Saturdays and Sundays off.
What else?
Do you know what time
Andy's flight gets in?
Silas handled all the
correspondence with him.
All I know is that
he RSVP'd yes.
Anyhoo, the caterer
is on her way.
You have meetings with two
new cup distributors on Monday,
and here is a
stack of stuff to sign.
Legal wants to talk to
you about allegations
of serving minors
in stores 14 and 43,
and the DJ got your playlist,
but he said that he won't
play the Hava Nagila.
He says that it's a cliche.
It's tradition.
Make him play it.
Fine.
What else?
After this meeting,
you're all clear.
But you do have
a date on Tuesday
with a game theory strategist
named Norman Hass.
He's 60, divorced,
two grown kids,
runs half-marathons,
likes to cook.
Oh, God.
But, I can always cancel. No.
All right, then,
we'll talk Monday.
You have a great weekend, Nancy.
Don't forget dry cleaner
on your way home.
Thank you, Tim.
Taste-testing the product?
Virgin.
Got to keep my wits about me.
Not me. I'm higher than
a Georgia Pine 24/7.
Perfect.
How's life in Dixie?
It's the fucking third world.
I fear for my people, Nance.
Rest of the country
has healthcare,
has marijuana, and tax
revenue from marijuana.
My dumbass, sore-loser
region invoked states' rights
and keeps its folks
sick and angry.
I bought a townhouse in Chelsea.
My kid is being Bar Mitzvahed
tomorrow. I have things to do.
Guess my invite got lost.
I don't really like you, Crick.
I don't think you should have
anything to do with my business.
Not how I see it.
You took my money to start
it, and I took fair compensation.
Fair? No, I don't think I would
say that. Can we please skip this?
I come bearing good news.
Starbucks wants to buy us.
What? All 50 stores. All-in.
How much?
Why didn't they come to me?
'Cause I went to them.
It's my business.
Silas is on board. So is Doug.
So is Conrad. So is
Mr. Garcia-Gomez.
Well, bully for you
boys. I own 51%.
That's why I'm here.
We want to sell.
Well, we must be doing something
very right if Starbucks wants to buy us.
Oh, horse shit. Excuse me?
We can all be set for life,
but you want to hold on to
your corporate job so bad?
It's my corporation.
Come on!
Why buy the cow when you
can have a bird in your hand?
Go have an adventure.
I had my adventures.
Now I date men named Norman.
Jesus!
What happened to you? You
used to be such a spark plug.
Time and loss have mellowed me.
Well, you ain't dead yet,
and this is a win, not a loss.
Listen to me, Nancy. This
is an amazing offer. Take it.
I know it's the right thing.
Go fuck yourself.
You have a great Bar
Mitzvah, Mrs. Bloom.
Here it is. Camelot.
Botwinlot. Fuckingham Palace.
I would have sucked your dick
weeks ago if I had seen this place.
All right. Let's go.
Hello? Mom?
Hi, Megan.
Oh, shit. She really is deaf.
You weren't kidding, huh?
Hello.
I am Beatrice, Mitch's
girlfriend. But he won't marry me.
Hey. Hey.
Where's Mom? Where's Mom?
No one's here. We just flew in.
I'm Tiffani.
I think it's really awesome
of you to marry, you know...
Thank you.
So, Silas, how's
business in California?
Oh, it's fine, Mitch.
How's retirement?
It's fucking great.
I got half my bennies,
and the rest I fill in
with all sorts of
shit I got going on.
I sold four Frank Thomas
rookie cards this morning
to some little Japanese fucker.
The guy must have
been out of his mind
to pay what he did
for the Big fucking Hurt.
I mean, the guy was a
solid .300 career hitter,
but a real disappointment
when you think about it.
You're a real disappointment
when you think about it.
It's not even lunchtime.
It's not every day
your half-Mexican
half-brother gets Bar Mitzvahed.
Still can't believe
that's your brother.
He's so much hotter than you.
She looks a lot like your dad.
Funny.
Has Lars met his granddaughter?
I'm not gonna talk about this.
Like there are any
secrets left in this family.
There are plenty of
secrets left in this family.
Secrets are the
privilege of the rich.
What the fuck does
that even mean?
Never mind. It's just...
I've been done with
secrets for years.
No more. Really?
Okay.
Did you guys know Shane
once killed a woman?
Welcome home.
Your dry cleaning will
be ready in 53 seconds.
You sure Uncle Andy's coming?
Of course he is. He RSVP'd.
He'll come.
Payment received. Thank you.
He didn't come to the funeral.
Well, the funeral
was about Daddy.
This is about you.
He'll show up for you.
How do you know?
You don't talk to him.
He talks to Silas. Ask Silas.
Do you even know
if Silas is coming?
What if no one shows up?
What if we threw a Bar
Mitzvah and no one came?
Then it's more cake for us.
And all your friends are coming.
They keep calling
it "the Jewish party."
Well, it is. It's
the Jewish party.
And you're the guest of honor.
If Daddy were here...
Please don't go there.
I won't go there
if you cut the shit.
And there'll be
presents and cash.
Enough to pay for
boarding school?
Oh, relentless.
You're relentless.
Look who's talking.
This isn't my dress.
Hello!
Hello! Is anyone human here?
Can I get you a
drink, Guru Doug?
Thank you, Cinnamon. I
would like watermelon juice.
It's winter. There's
no watermelon juice.
But I want some.
I'll find you some, Guru Doug.
Wow. That's impressive.
What can I say? She
wants to make me happy.
Is it working? Fuck yeah.
I'm loved. I'm rich. Very rich.
I bought Stevie a helicopter
for his Jewish party.
Have I mentioned I sleep
with all three of them?
Sometimes at the same time.
It's very spiritual.
Good to know.
So, where's Nancy?
I called her. She had a
meeting. She'll be here soon.
The meeting? The meeting.
What's "the meeting"?
We got an offer.
On what?
On the stores, the
whole company.
Perfect. The rich get richer.
Hey. You chose a side, Officer.
Sorry our business became
legal and ruined all your fun.
I need a drink.
Honey, this young
man wants a drink.
What would you like? Scotch.
We don't touch alcohol. Would
you like a sacrament beverage?
What the fuck is a
sacrament beverage?
Pot drink. What your
mom sells. It's our elixir.
Why do you think my
people all work at her shops?
So you can exploit
them for cheap labor.
Hey, watch it. We are
happy and productive.
We are doing good for the world.
We feed the hungry,
we put people to work,
and all we ask for in
exchange is total devotion.
Who are all these people?
Friends. Out-of-towners.
Do I even know them?
You know your brothers.
Hopefully, Andy's
in there somewhere.
Oh, my God! Is that Flora?
She got so big!
Nancy, I am trying to nurse.
I... I see that.
Does the baby want
another blanket?
The baby's fine.
Congratulations, Stevie.
Thanks, Megan.
Hey, Mom. I'm... I'm going in.
Okay, sweetie.
I'll be in in a sec.
Hey, baby.
Hey. It's Nana. I'm your
nana. Remember me?
Please, don't distract her.
Oh.
Sorry.
So, did you guys
have a good trip up?
Relatively easy?
Megan?
It's really cold out.
I'm still not exactly sure
what it is I ever did to you.
And would it have killed you
to put her in one of those
little dresses I bought?
They were from Paris.
I love Silas, too, you know?
Very much. I just
want him to be happy,
and hopefully that's
what you want, too,
or I might have to kill you.
Did you say something?
Oh, I just asked if I could hold
the baby, but you just... Later, okay?
I'll let you nurse in peace.
Me and Sanjay married
10 years next month.
I don't understand.
How do you do it?
Separate bedrooms, separate
bathrooms, and no questions.
Oh, I feel you.
You want to see my babies?
Yeah.
These are my boys. That's
Jimmy-Jam. He big now.
And that's Tay-Tay and
Freon, and that's little Obama.
Oh, so adorable, huh?
You got kids?
Three girls and a boy.
Yeah? You got pictures? Oh, no.
They're all grown up now.
My son doesn't talk to me.
What?
Oh, you can't go through
life not talking to your child.
What's the matter with
you? Go make that shit right.
Did Andy tell you he was coming?
I've had way too much cock
in my mouth to be a vegan.
See, I didn't need
to hear all that.
I'm just trying to eat my salad.
You ever hear from Ignacio?
No.
I haven't talked to him since
he started his cosplay company.
So, my brother-in-law, Andy,
he's supposed to be here for Stevie.
He should be here.
What the fuck is that?
Oh, it's from my sister,
Jill. She's living in India.
It's Kali, the goddess
of time and change.
You start as
earthbound handmaiden,
but if you ascend
to celestial helpmate,
you'll share the quarters with
us in Guru Doug's holy chambers.
You people are fucking
nuts. You know that, right?
Press that button.
You just started my car.
Cool. What else can it do?
That's it.
How's Isabel?
You mean Bruce?
Bruce?
Yeah. Sex change.
Isabel is a boy.
If you can only fit one
finger in, she's too young.
Five fingers, she's too old.
It's the finger test.
You want to be a man,
you got to know this shit.
Hey, have you heard
from Andy at all?
How much you weigh?
That's a personal question.
You want to wrestle,
you let me know.
No one's eating, and I
think Andy's a no-show.
I live on a boat.
Sail away with me.
Oh, Christ. I've always
loved you, Nancy.
This will never happen.
I had to give it a shot.
Conrad's about to
be a daddy again.
Yeah. His wife's expecting
twins any day now.
That's why he ain't here.
You got kids?
Sure, I got kids. I
got 10 kids, man.
Two of my oldest boys
are running bath salts up
from Mexico for me now.
Couldn't be prouder.
Jesus. What is this
obsession with sons?
They're your legacy.
I wish I was there,
too. How's it going?
I think we've sold,
maybe, two paintings.
Which ones?
Waffle Summer and
The Big One Green.
Oh, I love The Big Green One.
The Big One Green,
not The Big Green One.
Oh, someone's at the door.
Do you want to hold on?
No, but I will call you later
from the hotel. Love you.
Love you.
Shh.
Who is it? Flower
delivery for Josh Wilson.
Oh, he didn't. I
should be the one...
Oh, my God.
Oye, muchacho.
Sorry. I don't speak Spanish.
You don't speak
Spanish? Seriously?
Esteban Reyes Jr.
Doesn't speak Spanish?
That's wrong. That's
a fucking disgrace.
So, you and my birth
dad were tight, huh?
We had a complicated
relationship.
He was brilliant.
And scary.
I respected him.
What's that?
I'm on this high-carb diet thing
where you eat
cereal in the morning
and then pasta
the rest of the day.
I lost 12 pounds,
but, man, I'm sick of it.
Things we do for health, huh?
My dad was scary?
Yeah.
But in a real calm
way, you know?
Which made him even scarier.
He kept a white
lion in the house.
I saw him feed a
snitch to it once.
Your mother ever
tell you about the lion?
Wait.
What?
No. My dad was a politician.
He was framed
by the drug cartels
for trying to fight them
and then killed in prison.
Son, your dad was a
gangster, not a pussy.
Okay? What the hell your
mother been telling you?
He wasn't killed in prison?
Yeah, that part's true,
but your father was king
shit narco jefe numero uno.
And you're his only son.
You need to know this shit.
Hey. Hey, lady.
You throw one hell of a shindig,
and I love that you're
wearing that slinky red dress
at your age.
It's good on you.
I'll see you in
church. Jew church.
Come on, people.
No. No, you're not. You're
not driving anywhere.
Not with my kid in the car.
Then I'll drive. Give it here.
Shane. What happened to you?
He became a man.
Come on, Bea-Bea.
Let's make like a bread
truck and haul buns!
No. No. I don't think so.
You want a mangosteen
nectar? Jesus Christ.
False prophet. It's all about
me now. I've read the articles.
You're looking
good. You still gay?
Still gay. Still hate you.
What am I doing here, Doug?
I'd like to reconnect.
Oh. Go fuck yourself.
I have people
that'll do that for me.
Josh, I've changed.
I'm enlightened now.
Let's have a relationship.
A relationship? You
want a relationship?
You kicked me out of the house
at the age of 17, disowned me,
told me that you hoped
that I choked on a cock,
then you ran out on Mom and
the girls and never came back.
Oh, I'm all good with them now.
Gave your mom all the back
alimony and child support,
bought each of
the girls a condo.
You want a condo? No, I don't.
And I don't have anything
to say to you, so I'm leaving.
I believe Rocket... Guru
Doug is still talking to you.
Get out of my way.
I should have led
with the condo offer.
Andy.
Oh, my God.
Josh, what are you doing here?
Doug kidnapped me and
tried to get me to like him.
Listen, I'm waiting for a
cab, and it's freezing out.
Do you mind if I...
No, sure. Come in.
Wow!
Josh, oh, my God.
Can I get you something to eat?
We have teff salad, ostrich
kabobs, Happy Herbert's.
We have so much
food. No one ate.
I'm good. Thanks.
You...
You're all grown up.
Yeah. Time will do that.
You're looking good, Ms. B.
Keeping up on all the
latest cosmetic innovations?
I like the tiger stripes.
Well, a girl's got
to reinvent herself.
Can I get you a drink?
You know what? I really
just... I want to get home.
They scared my dog, and she
probably peed all over the hardwood.
Oh. You have nice floors?
I have beautiful floors.
Are you happy?
I'm good. I got to say,
I'm... I'm really good.
I'm glad, Josh. I'm really glad.
You're married?
A painter. Alan Spiller.
No kidding! I own
The Big Blue One.
The Blue One Big. Right, right.
How funny is that? He's your
husband. He's so talented.
Are you an artist,
too? I'm a lawyer.
Oh! Sorry.
I know. Well, I always
was good at bullshit.
I mean, at least now
they're paying me for it, right?
But I'm all solid-citizen
and everything.
Kids? Talking about it.
Well, just pray they don't grow
up to be teenagers like you were.
I turned out all right.
Yeah. How does that happen?
You get lucky, therapy,
and I got to say that Doug was a
piece of shit, but my mom was awesome.
Is awesome.
I mean, she always
fought for me.
That's me.
Listen, it's really good
seeing you, Ms. B.
Take care. You, too, Josh.
You look hot.
Yeah. Thanks.
Silas.
I changed her last.
It's your mother.
What time is it?
It's very late, and
Andy's not here yet.
Mom, I'm sleeping.
What time was his
plane supposed to get in?
He said he'd be here for dinner.
How often do you talk to him?
Not a lot.
He got really busy after
the restaurant opened.
What restaurant?
Why won't he talk to
me? What's his problem?
Andy lives in Ren Mar.
Really? In that house?
Redid the whole
place. Looks great.
And Lenny?
He died four years ago.
Andy said Lenny's
last words were,
"You got to be
fucking kidding me."
And he's got a daughter.
She's three.
Her name's Leni,
but with an "I."
L-E-N-I.
Like Riefenstahl? Who?
A not-good namesake.
Yeah, well, she's a pistol.
And beautiful.
Sassy.
He's amazing with her.
And the... The mother?
Her name's Annika.
She was a waitress
at the restaurant.
He always loved waitresses.
"They bring you food, and when
you sit, their boobs are at eye level."
Are they married?
No. Friends.
They share
custody. All amicable.
He has a restaurant.
That's perfect.
It's nice. It's small.
It's one of those places
that people come,
and he just cooks
whatever he feels like.
All fresh and seasonal
and everything.
He's been written
up a few times.
He's made a very sweet life.
I think he's happy, Mom.
Yeah?
Yeah.
He's not coming, is he?
Making frittatas.
Leek and asparagus.
You know, we got
lots of leftovers.
Yeah, well, still
gonna make them.
Where is everybody?
I figured there'd
be a full house.
Andy! Hey, Megan.
Look at that little
nipple sucker!
Hi, Flora. Hey, you
delicious little thing.
It's your Uncle Andy. I
know it's been a while.
You remember me? Huh?
Is that a tooth?
Do I see a tooth?
Two. Two teeth?
Good work.
Nancy, do you
have any goat milk?
No, I have oat and hemp.
But no goat? No goat. Sorry.
Your daddy should
listen to me, shouldn't he?
You only like goat milk. Oh, no.
Hey, would you run to
the store, then, Nance?
I would go, but I'm
in the middle, here.
Yes. I'll see you in a bit.
Our scripture
says how good it is
when brothers and sisters
can dwell together in harmony.
Today let us come
together and worship
as these two young people
show what they have learned,
what they have been,
and demonstrate what they mean
to our people and to our nation,
and let us say, Amen.
Amen.
My Torah portion is Exodus,
and I wrote a whole nice speech
about how it's a metaphor
for the immigrant experience,
but I'm not gonna read that.
I wrote a new speech last
night, and I like it better,
so that's what I'm gonna read.
My name is not
really Steven Bloom.
I mean, David Bloom adopted
me, and I loved him very much,
but before I was Steven
Bloom, I was Steven Botwin,
and that wasn't right, either.
Because, really, I'm
Esteban Reyes Jr.
My father was a Mexican
gangster and drug kingpin,
and the former mayor of Tijuana.
And I think he was Catholic.
And my mother is Methodist.
I know she converted for Dave,
but, seriously, once a Methodist...
So, I'm not Jewish.
At all.
My brothers are half Jewish.
Maybe not Silas.
My uncle is full-on,
and the man I called
"Dad" for years was a rabbi.
But, nope, not me.
I am not chosen.
And, honestly, I
don't choose to be.
I don't know what
my religion is.
It may turn out to be
there-is-no-God-ism.
I'll let you all
know where I land.
In the meantime, I'd
like to take this time
to call bullshit on
this whole show...
Which is what it is.
It's one big show for family
and friends to feel good about,
but I don't feel so good,
and I don't know who I am.
And I want to go
to boarding school.
Thank you.
China Birenbaum-Katz will
speak next about Shimini.
Oh, my God.
I don't think I'm Jewish, either.
I'm Chinese, for God's sake.
You're Jewish,
China. You are Jewish.
And Mom and I love you.
We love you, China.
Give your speech.
Don't let him throw
you. This is your day.
Thank you so much for
coming. The party's still on.
Thank you. Hi. Thank
you so much for coming.
Thank you...
He was awesome. Worth the trip.
Are you gonna yell at me?
No.
And we're still
having the party?
Yes.
We are still having the party.
Are you mad?
You know, I'm not.
I'm... I'm really not.
That was...
Quite a speech.
Why didn't you tell me
the truth about my dad?
What is the truth
about your dad?
Guillermo said he was a
king, and I'm the prince.
Huh.
When you wiki
him, none of the stuff
Guillermo talks about comes up.
You can't believe
everything you wiki, huh?
And, technically,
you are Jewish.
What are you talking about?
You had a bris. You
entered into the covenant.
Andy insisted on it. If anyone's
your real father, it's him.
Just what I need. More fathers.
But you look like
Esteban. He was
very handsome.
And he was so
proud to have a son.
Your history is very
confusing to me.
I'm gonna let you
go to boarding school.
Are you serious?
I'm serious.
Go. Play soccer.
Make friends. Never
learn to hate me.
Thank you. You're welcome.
Sit down, Prince Steven.
Eat your leftovers. Save
your energy for the party.
Come on! I need you to
come get the cake with me.
Mom, I have a really bad...
Now! Do it! Move it! Now!
Mommy wants to spend
some time with you, okay?
I'm talking about getting
you some help, Shane,
'cause you're not
doing very well.
I'm doing fine.
Can I help you?
Hey. Picking up. Bloom.
Do you guys have a bathroom?
Sorry. Employees only.
It's cool,
sweetheart. It's cool.
These florentines?
Fuck, yeah, florentines.
It's supposed to say,
"Mazel Tov, Stevie."
Okay.
14 letters times $1.50
comes to $21.50.
What the fuck are you
talking about? Shane, please.
Each letter costs $1.50.
Letters are free.
Who say letters are free?
Me. The police.
The Constitution! The First
Amendment! But it's cool. It's cool.
I'll buy your vowel,
Princess Florentine Cookie.
I'll let you fleece me
for my A's and my B's
and my L-M-N-O's while I
stand here like some dope,
some big fucking dope.
You said, "Mazel
Tov, Steven"? Stevie!
S-T-E-V-I-E!
How much is it now?
You're lucky I'm Russian.
It's lonely at the
top. I miss you, man.
Did you hear Dean's
little girl got a dick now?
I know. He put up my
drywall. Does great work.
Look at this.
Celebration of manhood.
Family all together.
It's beautiful.
I'm not sure why the
kid's dressed like Scarface.
My one regret about leaving
was not seeing him grow up.
I got to go.
Who is it? UPS.
You've got to be
fucking kidding me.
Shane, come home. Live with me.
You can have your
old room back. Mom.
I'm not making this offer
because I'm afraid to be alone.
I'm making it because
I'm your mother,
and I care about you, and
you're not in a good way.
I...
Hear me out.
It's time to grow up.
I don't think moving back in with my
mommy is gonna help me grow up.
You shot a cake.
I know. I know. I'm a
mess. I'm gonna deal with it.
How? I'll break up with Tiffani.
Not good enough.
I'll take some time off.
More.
I'll see a therapist.
Almost there.
I'll check into rehab.
Good.
Ouellette went to this
place in the Catskills that...
You may not do anything
Ouellette has done.
Okay.
I'll find a different place.
I'll get real help.
Professional help.
I'm ready.
Good.
Maybe we can find you a
rehab place in Pittsburgh.
I'm very fond of you.
You want a jackfruit smoothie?
I had more I wanted to say.
You ever heard of a phone?
I wanted to do
this face-to-face.
I'm a face-to-face guy.
It's one of my things.
I conduct a whole face-to-face
weekend in Idyllwild every Arbor Day.
Three grand per head. That
includes soup, jerky and a tote bag.
Josh, wait! Wait! I
sucked a dick once.
Jesus, Dad.
Guru Dad, actually.
But that is not the point.
Josh, please come back.
Hear me out. Please?
I fucked up.
I have a blind cousin.
You two should meet.
Hey, guys. Hey.
Hey, baby. You want
to dance with Nana?
Megan, I had three babies of my
own. I promise I won't break her.
Okay.
I tried to be nice, I
tried to be generous,
and she treats
me like I beat you
and put cigarettes
out on your arm.
I tried to do what was
in our best interests.
I probably failed often
and spectacularly,
but you turned out to
be a remarkable man,
so I must have done
something right?
God damn it, Silas. Make
your wife be nice to me.
Like I can make her do anything.
She's gonna do and say
and feel whatever she wants.
There's nothing I
can or will do about it.
I love you, Mom, but she's where
I live. She's how I spend my days.
Oh, my God.
You like it... You like it
when she's mean to me.
You resent me,
and you can't say it.
If I have a problem
with you, I'll tell you.
I don't need my wife to
stick her hand up my ass
and make my mouth move.
Were you mother of the year? No.
Did you hurt me? Yes.
Do I carry around resentment
and spend my days railing
against what could have been
if only I'd had a
normal childhood?
I don't.
I really don't.
I wake up in the morning, I kiss
my baby, and I kiss my beautiful wife.
I swim in the ocean, and I
grow my plants, and I feel lucky.
Sorry, Mom.
It's not about you.
Yeah.
Oh, thank God. Where
the hell have you been?
I have been so worried.
I almost called the police.
I checked the home cam, and
Barbie has peed all over the floor.
I made up with my dad.
Holy shit.
Yep. I guess they're ice
skating in hell about now.
Wow.
Ain't life strange?
Hey.
Oh, God.
Come here.
I'm sorry about your dad.
"He didn't die. He
busted out of the game."
That's what he had me
put on his headstone.
And you have a kid, who
you named after a Nazi.
Well, she was a
pioneer of filmmaking.
I don't believe in
holding grudges.
I missed you.
Silas seems happy.
Yeah. Megan's good for him.
And Shane...
Shane needs a
new circle of friends.
You think?
Come back.
It won't be like it used
to be. It'll be better.
Nance, my plane
leaves tomorrow morning,
I have Leni at 3:00, Annika
has to get to work by 4:00.
Sunday is daddy-daughter
movie night.
We're seeing
Herbie The Love Bug.
I'll give you 40%
of the business.
50%.
Equal partners. What
you always wanted.
I don't want 50%
of your business.
Take it all. The whole thing.
Take all the money, and... And
start your own restaurant here.
God knows downtown needs it.
And you can... You can bring your kid.
You know that yard at the house?
We'll get a big swing
set with a tower thing
and a tube slide.
And there's a
hill up the street,
and I have two
toboggans in the garage...
The nice wood kind.
Your kid should toboggan
and... And jump in leaves
and walk in the gray, dirty
slush the day after it snows,
get salt stains on her shoes.
She should know the feeling
of walking to school in a blizzard
and not feeling her own
limbs. It builds character.
Nance, I have a life I
like. I'm not leaving it.
Okay.
I get it. Surf. You want surf.
I'll come to you.
I lived in Ren Mar
before. I'll do it again.
I don't need the house. I'll
sell it. It's just a reminder.
Stop it.
Andy, my husband is
dead, and my family...
Stop it.
You're gonna be fine.
Things happen. Things
change. We can't control it.
But the one thing that you can
control is how you think about it.
So look at it this
way, you're free.
You did your job. Now it's done.
No one there to answer to.
No one to come home to.
No one to hold you back
from becoming the person
you always wanted to be,
doing only what you want to do.
Who is that?
What is that?
Time for you to figure it out.
You helped me when I
was lost, gave me a home.
A family and purpose.
And I'll always
be grateful to you.
And I'll always, always love
you, Pants, but I can't be near you.
That doesn't work. But
you're gonna be fine.
You're so strong. So,
time for you to face yourself.
Okay, fine. Sell.
Sell it. I'm done. Let it go.
You made me happier than a
puppy with two peckers, Nancy.
Yeah, yeah.
I really think you're making...
And then there were none.
Before we eat dessert, I
just want to thank you all
for coming to my
almost-Bar Mitzvah.
I want to thank my
brother Silas and Megan,
and my Uncle Andy
and Uncle Doug,
and all my mom's friends
who flew in from California.
I want to thank my brother
Shane and all my friends.
I love you all.
But most of all, I want
to thank you, Mom.
You've always been
there for me, and I love you.
And I'm going to boarding
school next year, so let's party!