Weeds (2005–2012): Season 8, Episode 5 - Red in Tooth and Claw - full transcript

Previously on Weeds.

Don't want to be doing this.

Whole reason I hired you.

Why didn't you
just call Demetri?

With his idiot entourage.

Just sell your weed to Kiku.

I'm coaching the
twins' derby team.

Take a seat.

You're distant.

I need to know that you are
actually in this thing with me

Go for it. Let it all out.



Do not follow me.
We're done, Andy.

Connoisseur combo pack.

Thanks, Mike. I'll ring him up.

You work here? R.J.

Are you having a play date?

So, is your brother in security?

Police Academy.

Name's Detective Ouellette.

25th Precinct.

Mom, this is Angela.

It's so neat to meet you.

What was that?

Oh, hey, Nance. Sweet fort, huh?

What was that noise?



The Russians, just
moved in two doors down.

The wife's a real
sizzling piece of assmeat.

The guy is terrifying,
real Eastern Promises shit.

Each tattoo is
someone he killed.

What was the boom?

They're cutting down all
the trees on their property.

It's a Soviet thing,
mastery over nature.

Hey, Paco, quit bogarting
all the fruity pebbles.

Hey, guess how many
Glade Pluglns I got yesterday.

Uh, Stevie is just
staring at the TV.

Seventy-five. And guess
how much it cost me.

He's not gonna be
some kind of TV zombie.

$14. In your face. Bam!

Stew Leonard's grocery fat cats.

They call it extreme
couponing, and it is.

They are right.

Please go back to screwing Andy.

I'm couponing because
we have no money.

Doug's cash is all tied
up in that fake charity,

and you and Andy don't
make dick. I have no skills.

We're really broke? Yes.

Stevie should be playing
soccer, not watching it.

I tried to enroll him in that
fancy city league at Ashford Park,

but, apparently, I missed
the deadline by two weeks.

Those uptight pricks.

Aunt Nancy, someone
named Kiku called three times.

What did she want?

She said it was personal.

She sounded like she'd
been drinking. Who is she?

Did the bullet make you a lesbo?

Lesbo?

Come on, Stevie.
Let's get dressed.

We're gonna go sign
you up for soccer.

Does she like you?

I think she does.

Mmm-hmm.

You'd know, 'cause women
release a pheromone.

Bullshit. No, it's true.

You smell it with your
brain, not your nose.

But there are detectable signs.

Their pupils dilate, their
pelvis orients towards you.

They point their cooch at you?

It's involuntary. It's
like a weather vane.

Like a newborn kangaroo
crawling to the pouch.

Gross.

We're all just animals,
Shane, red in tooth and claw.

Why are you so nervous, anyway?

I really like this girl.

See you later, man. Good work.

I know. Take her
on a double date.

That'll alleviate the
pressure of having to be...

You know, a normal person.

Can you come?

Mmm. Sorry, buddy.

Me and Jill are on
the skids, splitsville.

How was she in
the sack, Aunt Jill?

You are so broken.

Did you just have a sleepover?

Shut up. We were working late.

Working on each other's dicks.

Hey, how's your
narco girlfriend?

Or did she finally notice
the cold, dead marbles

where your eyes should be?

We happen to be going on a
double date tonight, so fuck yourself.

Kiss my ass.

Not with your
friend's jizz all over it.

Aw! I miss my brother.

Shit. I got to go
to the derby track.

Would you tell Jill
I'll be... Never mind.

She doesn't care.
Neither do you.

Look at these people, moving
in, ruining the neighborhood.

I know. It's a goddamn shame.

I'm really sorry, but both the
Ninjas and the Transformers

already have full squads.

Please don't punish my
kid for my sister's screw-up.

Screw-up?

Apparently, she
missed the cut-off.

Oh! No. No, no, no, no.
They just tell people that.

Look, Old Sandwich
is a wealthy place.

There's a high demand
for slots on our teams,

and they usually end
up going to families

who are able to make
sizable donations.

Kickbacks? In youth soccer?

So, unless that's
gonna be feasible, then...

There is another
league down in Hartford.

No, I got you,
Gordon. Understood.

Got what?

Uh, this is a
"whites only" league.

This is not a
"whites only" league.

Hey, I don't like
Mexicans, either.

I just happened to have
gotten knocked up by one.

The sperm, though,
it is muy macho.

We need to go talk
to the local newspaper.

What did you say your last name
was, again, Gordon? Gordon what?

Wait, wait.

Hey! How would
you like to be a Ninja?

Yeah. Yeah.

Come on. Let's go find
you a uniform, buddy.

Oh, here.

Used to have one just like it.

How are you?

Cramping, bloated.

I'm sorry. Or
congratulations. I don't know.

Clear!

So, I guess that means
you can't go out tonight?

Women can accomplish a
shocking number of things

while sloughing
endometrial lining, Shane.

Clear!

I was thinking a double
date, or double hang.

Not date, whatever
you want to call it.

Wait, so, not a date?

Cadet Mullen, you're dead.

Son of a whore!

I'm confused. Is that a yes?

Yeah. Okay.

Cut it out, rookies.

Hello?

Hello?

What the hell?

It is a shockingly common
occurrence in my life

that women are gifted unto me,

seemingly with very
little effort on my part.

And at a certain point,
after the ludicrous bounty,

you have to finally
wonder, "Why?"

Okay.

Is it because I'm so just
baseline physically attractive?

Debatable. More
likely, it's 'cause of this,

karma.

I motherfucking earned it.

I was the fecal molecule
of a maggot 50 lives ago,

49 lives ago, a parasite
on a sea cucumber,

worked my way up from there,
paying my reincarnatory dues,

coral, an earwig, a sewer rat,

a grackle, guinea
fowl, clown fish, ocelot,

eventually vaulting up the
evolutionary chain to dog,

but like a shitty small dog

felled immediately by
parvo or canine SIDS,

monkey, monkey, down
to otter, monkey, chimp,

and then finally human!

But... Whoops! Fuck! I'm a
child sex slave, and I live in a well.

But in all these incarnations...

I was good and kind and humble
and accepted my fate patiently.

So, thus,

after an endless series
of short, oft brutal lives,

I was finally, finally,
finally born as me,

Andrew Botwin,
effortless receiver of tail.

It's just a theory, of course.

But if it's not biology
and it's not karma,

then there is a puppet
master out there

who enjoys watching
me get my freak on,

and that would
mean God, basically,

and I would have to
rethink, well... everything.

If you can catch
me, you can fuck me.

Yeah, I'll get my skates.

This is my third time around.

It's my first. Best
decision I ever made.

Is it a decision? I
mean, I guess it is.

But even when
it is, is it really?

All I know is, I was 100%
self-centered before Colby,

and now everything's about him.

Hustle, Colby! Make
Daddy proud, buddy.

Nice orange slicing.

Which one's yours?

The slow idiot who just
got smoked by that new kid.

Who is that? Some
housekeeper's kid?

I don't know, but he's fast.

Somebody cover him!

Go, go, go! Stevie,
go, go, go! Go!

Whoo!

Good boy!

Gordon.

You are so good!

How did you get to be so
good? Are you having fun?

Come on, new kid.

Hi.

Your son's gonna be in the
goal for the rest of the match.

Why?

'Cause he's making our
sons look like sacks of shit.

Competition's healthy.

A fair competition. Your son
has an unnatural advantage.

They're practically born
kicking a soccer ball down there,

whatever they play
with. Grapefruit.

Jesus, Jeff.

So, what do you say?
Goalie's a fun position.

Sure. Why not? Stevie.

Listen, I'm sorry about
Jeff. He's an asshole.

Go, go, go, go! Go!

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, sweet Mary... Son of a...

Guess it is just in his nature.

So, we'll be getting that
donation from you soon?

Oh, Gordon, what would
the newspaper say?

He owns the paper.

I'm on the team
now! I'm a Ninja!

Donation. No problem.

So, I was reading about
a 420 affiliate program

where your website is
linked in cross-promotions

with other
marijuana-based sites.

I signed us up.

Are you fucking kidding me?

No. Why? What?

We're artisans, Silas.

We don't advertise on the
Internet. People come to us.

All right.

Artisans...

I'm telling you,

as soon as we make a sale,
I'm buying my own place.

Why? You have a free grow house.

No, I can't take my fucking
brother. He never lays off.

You should have heard him
this morning when you left.

What'd he say? Oh, idiot shit.

"You guys are fucking
faggots," that kind of stuff.

What a little asshole.

I know, right?

But, you know, it's true, every guy
should suck a dick at some point.

Fuck off. I'm not kidding.

It's like getting
in direct contact

with the essential
maleness in yourself.

It's really powerful.

Plus, just the sheer volume of
tedious shit you have to put up with

just to get a girl to suck
your dick, it's, like, forget it.

And trust me, afterwards, I'm not
gonna be all like, "Oh, let's cuddle!"

I'll be like, "Sweet
hummer! High five!

"Let's get back to work."

Whoa. Look at your face.

Never mind. I thought
maybe, I thought maybe you...

Forget it.

Oh, geez. I got to go help
Stevie with some homework.

Come on, man.
Don't be like that.

Look, I don't care
what you are, all right?

I just... I'm not.
I'm not, either.

I'm just saying I'll
suck a buddy's dick

'cause it's a fucking
friendly thing to do.

I'm not all hung up on
it, like you obviously are.

No, yeah, it's just I got to go.

Fuck.

I can't speak as to
why those other women

whip off their clothes for you,

but I can tell you why I did.

Why?

'Cause you never shut up
about the women in your life.

I mean, most guys just
talk about themselves.

You talk about them.

I guess maybe those
other women, like me,

maybe they just wanted
someone to talk about them

as much as you talk
about Jill and Nancy.

Also, my girlfriend's
visiting her folks

and my TiVo's
out of Law & Order.

Maybe it's the bullet? I don't
know, this just isn't me anymore.

I'm gonna need
you to buy me out.

Turns out going straight
costs a lot of money.

Apparently, so does soccer.

Oh, hey, it's what's-her-name!

All right, let's do everybody.

Oh, honey.

This is why I've
been calling you.

Today would have been
my dad's 60th birthday.

I'm very vulnerable today.

And these guys came to deliver.

You wouldn't pick up your phone.

My dad wore glasses, too.

Happy Birthday, Daddy.

That's a pretty flower.

Tiger orchid. Here.

I need you to get
me out of here.

What?

While we were all in there, I
suddenly caught myself in the mirror

and realized, "What the
hell am I doing with my life?"

I have three semesters of creative
writing at Bristol Valley Community.

I'm scared of my brothers.

I think they might
have brain damage.

So, I'm gonna go.

Just estimate what my
half of the business is worth

and just bring it over, okay?

Thanks. I'm sorry
about your dad.

Use many condoms.

Please take me with you.

Hey, what are you
whispering about over there?

Nothing.

Mama, look.

Oh!

Yeah, okay.

All right, let's go.

Beatrice wins.

Oh! Bullshit!

It's true. She won.

That was a good game.
Let's go get that coffee now.

Fucking women siding with
each other. All my goddamn life.

My ex-wife sides
with my other ex-wife.

My goddamn lady lieutenant believing
Carla from the fucking motor pool

that I sexually harassed her?

I mean, in what Obamacare, iPad,

fruit-of-the-month
club fucking world

does cupping an ass once
constitute fucking sexual harassment?

I mean, come on.

You know they got instant
replay now for fucking home runs?

Here's your instant replay.

That fucking home run
was a home run or not

based upon my fucking judgment.

Tough shit. Fuck you.
Next batter. I mean, right?

And you, I mean, you're a...

I don't know what
you are, sweetheart,

but you got to back
off on that Obama shit.

Yeah.

Do you know that 1PP
wanted to fucking switch

all the fucking cars in the
fucking fleet to Priuses last year?

Actually, that
was a false rumor.

Having the whole NYP-fucking-D

driving around in
oversized golf carts.

"Excuse me, sir. I got to pull
you over here." And then, bingo!

That little motherfucker is halfway
up the Saw Mill River Parkway.

I mean, come on!

There are entire
continents in fucking Africa

that are fucking dying of AIDS.

And the fucking Pope, he's
just sitting around on his balcony

saying that condoms are
evil! That motherfucker!

I like Obama.

He reminds me
of Harry Belafonte.

This is what I'm talking
about here, you know?

You don't need a fucking
high-class restaurant

gouging you for fucking money.

This is nice, is all.

Yeah. Life's been hard lately.

I got those Eskimo pies in
the freezer. I'll go get them.

Um...

I found a loophole in a
triple-coupon offer from Waldbaums,

so they had to pay me five
cents for each roll of paper towels.

I bought 200 rolls.

They don't actually
pay you, but still...

Congratulations?

But then they
wouldn't all fit in the car.

And I had to leave half
of them in the parking lot.

I think I've been trying
to fill a hole in my heart

with extraordinary savings.

I miss you.

Oh. Yeah. I didn't know
where that was going.

What are those marks?

What? Oh...

This is funny.

I was having sex with this
woman at the derby rink,

and she has these
piercings, and they scraped.

Ouch.

You broke up with me.

A few days ago.

Yeah.

And I waited until today.

Today? You had sex
with a roller slut today?

I'm very close to feeling pure,
intense, forever love with you.

The past is unimportant.

Face it. We both bring
baggage to the table.

A few hours ago is not the past.

Well, I mean... Technically.

Wait. You don't
understand. It's not my fault.

The things I do,
there's a puppet master.

There is no fucking
puppet master!

I wouldn't taunt him, Jill.

You have no idea the things
he's capable of making you do.

Puppet master.
It's trite, is what it is.

He's just so
goddamn predictable.

Take responsibility
for your actions.

"We were broken up."

Yeah, well, I spent
most of my marriage

suppressing the
overwhelming desire

to sit on the face of the
Sparkletts driver. But did I do it? No.

Because I'm an autonomous
human who makes choices

and accepts the consequences,
no matter how horrible they may be.

Is this real life?

No. You're dreaming.

Now, go harder.

Ow!

Aunt Nancy! Your lover is here!

Oh, good. You brought my money.

Until I met you,
my life was perfect.

Sure, I had a minor
cocaine addiction,

but generally,
things were swell.

Look, I'm sorry to leave
you hanging, but I'm done.

And plus, I need to
keep Stevie in soccer.

You want out? Me too.
There. We're both out.

But you also want money?

There is no money.

If Doug and his idiot
friend didn't skim it,

it went back into the business.

Here's your golden parachute.

I hope I never have to see
this boring fucking hippie drug

for as long as I live.

Goodbye, Nancy.

I'll miss your son's cock.

Legendary!

- Yeah! Yeah!
- Oh, fuck! Fuck!

Fuck, fuck, fuck! Yeah!

This is a disaster. I'm
sorry I brought you into this.

Shh.

Yes!

Yes!

What are you doing?

Checking your pupils.

You can't tell if
I like you or not?

Oh!

So, I didn't blow it
by bringing you here?

I come from a long line of cops.

They're all miserable,
alcoholic hotheads.

So, I know all of this.

Now...

Take those off.

I brought you a towel.

I saw you didn't
bring yours today, so...

Hi.

I should explain. Oh,
no, no. Please. Please.

Someone should get
some use out of this pool.

Anyway, it's supposed to
be good for rehab, right?

It's a small town. Sometimes
I work at the hospital.

It's a great pool.

Thank you.

I used to have a pool.

I'm gonna get out now.

I see you, up
there, watching me.

You are in my backyard.

True.

I'm a rabbi.

So?

So, here. Sit.

Every time I get
out of your pool...

I have this weird thing,

like maybe I'm gonna
emerge a different person.

Tevilah. Hmm?

Tevilah. It's like
a Jewish baptism.

The pool is the mikvah.

The water is supposed to be
brought in from a natural source,

not pumped in from a hose

and chlorinated once a week
by an ex-con from Glastonbury,

but the idea is the same.

And you know what
the cool thing is?

Unlike baptism, in tevilah,

you get endless
chances to be new.

I thought I was new, but...

Maybe it was just the Vicodin.

I can't keep making
the same choices.

Then don't.

The fuck?

What did you do with my plants?

I just got back from my date.

Bullshit. Want to
smell my fingers?

Something happened
to your plants?

Why don't you ask
your weirdo friend?

What's going on?

What the fuck?

Code breaker!

I didn't mean to!

I guess we're even.

Not cool!

R.J.!

Hello?

We're closed.

The fuck are my plants?

Whoa!

What happened to you?

Oh, I realized I could
feel things again,

so I asked this dude to punch
me in the face a couple times,

and he went a little overboard.

What's the matter with
you, man? Are you on drugs?

That's the point. Not anymore.

My parents have been
drugging me since I was 13,

but I'm done
wearing their blinders.

Just give me my plants, man.

I liked you. I thought
you were kindred.

But it turns out you're an oaf.

You have no imagination.

You see it as drugs
to push, like it's merch.

Like my parents' pills.
Crass, dead, merch.

But it's not dead.
It's alive. It's ancient.

It knows things.

The plants pick you.

But you have to be
ready. It is a battle.

You control them or they
control you, and I saw it today.

You don't understand
the gift you have,

and you don't
understand the plants.

They fucking take you down.
It would end badly for you.

You couldn't see it, but I
could, so now they're all gone.

You can thank
me later. Or don't.

I don't need you anymore.