Weeds (2005–2012): Season 8, Episode 4 - Only Judy Can Judge - full transcript
Nancy plans a family dinner. Andy and Jill agree to watch over Stevie throughout the day. Meanwhile, Silas befriends a local pot grower while Shane invites Angela, his classmate, over to their family dinner. Back at the house, Doug makes enemies with the neighbor's dog.
Previously on Weeds.
I want weed.
I hear you get great
shit from Afghanistan.
You're the assholes
who jacked the pot.
Do her. Don't do her.
Man. Oh, yeah.
We celebrate the
closing of escrow on this,
the Botwin-Price-Gray
family compound.
I'm in the Police Academy.
We're criminals.
It's the family business.
What the fuck are you doing?
I think I want to be a cop.
But you're not off the rails.
You're here and I'm here. And
we're both in the Dead Daddy Club.
Kindred spirits.
When is your mother coming back?
I need her help. I'm about to
run out of supply, and I can't...
Ah.
People don't
change. It's bullshit!
Are you on roller skates?
Yeah. I'm coaching
the twins' derby team.
Andy and I are at the
room at the top of the stairs.
In the same room
together, the two of us.
Do you hear me?
Oh, shit.
I think the bullet's moving.
Is someone out there?
Hello?
I get it.
Duck. Hey, kiddo.
I like these pictures you drew.
Naked mole rat? He's
obsessed. Oh, yeah?
What is a naked mole rat?
It's like a hairless
rodent. It looks like an...
Could you please let him answer?
Now, who wants breakfast
tacos, Mystery Man? Tiny Feet?
How about today
you and I go and see
a real naked mouse thing?
You're taking him to the zoo?
You know, it's
such a nice day out.
Nance, he's a runner.
You can't keep up.
Sure, I can.
You could rent a
motorized wheelchair.
Lenny used to do it at Disneyland
so he could cut the lines.
What if he falls and
cracks his head open?
I'll take him to the hospital.
It's amazing what they can
do for head injuries these days.
I slept 18 hours last night.
Very jealous.
Oh, yeah? You got
insomnia, Nance?
Ambien.
Gives you freaky dreams,
but you'll sleep like a baby.
How about this? We all go.
No, I need some
alone time with him.
And I've been doing
exercises. I can handle it.
Exercises?
I haven't seen you exercise
since you've been back.
Mmm-hmm.
I stretch the stretchy
thing, squeeze the ball.
I'm taking him.
What's next? Are you gonna
frisk the sink, arrest the toilet?
Nah, maybe I'll just
bust up the grow house.
Us both living
here, it's nuts, right?
I'm not actually gonna bust you.
No, but you could.
Not really. I can't even
write parking tickets yet.
Yeah, well, one day.
One day marijuana will be legal
and you and Mom can buy
a kiosk at the Danbury mall.
Until then, I'd hang heavier
drapes in the grow house
or a black shower curtain.
Thanks for your advice.
Copper.
No prob, perp.
Hey! Hey!
What are you doing?
This is my paper.
It was your paper. But
you forfeited that right
when your giant horse-dog
play-doh'd all over my front porch.
My dog does not shit on brick.
She's a grass-shitter,
sometimes wood chips.
Wade, dear, you forgot
to take your Lexapro.
Later, Mother. I'm busy!
You still live with your mother?
Just get off our property.
Like this child?
Where's she going, huh?
She's not going anywhere.
She's like you.
Oh, great!
Aw! Kismet.
Shit foot.
I'm looking up
directions to the zoo.
We still need to talk
about the Police Academy.
I stand by my love
of Steve Guttenberg.
It's a very
dangerous profession.
On any given day,
you can be shot.
I've already been shot.
You know what I mean.
Personally, I thought
puppeteer was a good fit for you,
but maybe that's the kind of job
you can only do in
Europe. I don't know.
Did he tell you?
He's flexing in
front of a mirror
with one of those
cop stick things.
Billy club? Truncheon?
We'll talk about this when I get
back. Stevie, come on! Let's go!
I can't talk right now.
I'm not calling for you.
I'm calling for your mother.
It's Kiku.
Hello? Question.
Are you recovered yet?
Uh, I can chew with
my mouth closed.
Do Sudoku.
Great. I think I might be
in kind of, like, a situation.
My friend India, who's
a model from Sri Lanka,
gave me the name of this dealer
named Jersey who
lives in Staten Island.
So I'm at his place,
and this is really not
a healthy business environment.
Are you buying or what?
Can you come here?
I'm hanging out
with my kid today.
Is bubble hash like a more
expensive version of weed?
Do not buy bubble hash.
Wait, you're cutting out.
Did you say buy the bubble hash?
No!
Fucking Staten Island!
Look, I've sent you a car.
No! If you can just...
Kiku? Hello?
Oh, my God.
So, we have to take a tiny
detour through Staten Island,
which probably has tons of
odd patchy-haired rodents.
Right. Dumb idea. Old me idea.
Jill, can you?
Yes, of course
I can. I'd love to.
I love the zoo.
I love spending time with you.
We're gonna have so much fun.
It's gonna be the best day ever.
Uh...
I have to help a friend,
but how about tonight
we have a special dinner
and you can sit next to
me? How does that sound?
Okay?
Andy, can you cook that...
The thing with the squid
and the spices? I can't...
Uh...
No, I can't. I have
derby practice tonight.
Oh. Fine. Well, we'll order in.
I'm wearing a sports bra.
Okay.
I just thought I
should warn you.
There's no hooks.
Some guys get confused.
Also, in college, I thought
maybe I was asexual,
but it turns out I
just suck at intimacy.
I think it's a generational...
Do you have plans tonight?
Are you asking me out while
your hand is on my boob?
Only to dinner, if you
want, at my mom's house.
You want me to meet your mom?
She's pretty cool, actually. You're
a lot alike. She's really intense.
That's a perversely
sweet thing to say.
Yeah, I'll come tonight.
Cool.
Cool.
Hey. Had a few questions.
Yeah, shoot.
This indoor weed
strain I'm working on,
it's really strong, but it
has a kind of low yield.
Do you have any
nutrient solutions
that might help force more buds?
We sell, quote,
gardening supplies.
You're a hydroponic
supply store.
Does New Jersey have
a different definition of...
I think what my friend
here is trying to say
is that he's reducing
his food bill this month
by growing cherry
tomatoes in a safe
and totally non-profit
home environment.
Yes, he is over 21, and, no, he
doesn't have a criminal record.
Do you?
Connoisseur combo pack.
Thanks, Mike. I'll ring him up.
You work here? Part-time.
Let me guess. West Coast?
Well, I live in Connecticut,
but I'm from California.
Fucking love Cali!
Not that I've been, but I've
read everything by Didion.
I went through a phase where I was
obsessed with 1960s surfing movies.
Way more lax than East
Coast. Do you play ping-pong?
Wait, don't answer that.
R.J.
Silas.
What's up?
Kiku's gonna leave now, okay?
No. She promised to
buy some of my product.
I did not promise.
Fuck! You did!
Your product is not what
she's supposed to be selling.
We're not hash
people. It's a taste thing.
It's just different
spices of life.
I have to sit.
Are you okay?
Why didn't you
just call Demetri?
He refused to sell to me.
I'm missing a day
with my kid, okay?
What makes you think that I'm just
gonna let you all walk out of here?
I'm tired, had a hard few
months, eaten a lot of Jell-O,
discovering don't want
to be doing this anymore.
Whole reason I hired you.
I'm really grateful
you're gonna let us go,
so I'd like to offer you these.
Prescription pain-killers.
There's a few left.
I don't want pills.
That shit's addictive.
Well, what do you want?
What do you think of her cane?
Uh...
It's simple, but festive.
COMPUTERIZED
VOICE: Get ready to start.
He wrote, "Yellow team base."
What's base?
That looks like a volcano.
I don't know if this is a
good time to bring this up,
but me and Silas...
Oh, no. La-la-la. Stop talking.
He's like Christian Grey without
the money. It's pretty fucking hot.
I don't know who Christian
Grey is. I don't care.
Silas is a grown man.
Speaking of grown men.
Hey.
Hang on a sec.
With his idiot entourage.
Wonderful.
Could you give me a...
Just go away for a sec?
You don't call. You don't write.
I was in the brig.
And what, they
don't have mail there?
What about you? You only call
me when you need something?
Send your little high-heeled
tottering underlings?
I was shot in the head.
Cut the bullshit.
Just...
You're fucking
somebody else, right?
Shot in the head.
For real, okay? What?
Holy shit.
Just sell to Kiku, okay?
She needs weed.
Please sell her your weed.
War's winding down.
Most of my guys have
shipped home already, anyway,
and even if I could get my
hands on a supply for you,
which I'm not saying that I can,
but even if I did, I would have
to grease so many local palms
that you and Posh
Spice over there
couldn't even begin to
afford that kind of olive oil.
Palm oil?
I got you, sexy dealer lady!
What the fuck are you
doing? What did I do?
She's got a bullet in her head!
You point a fucking laser
gun at her? Fucking idiot!
I didn't know she
took a bullet, man!
How was I supposed to know that?
What's happening?
Is she hemorrhaging?
You okay? Hey, can you hear me?
I can do mouth-to-mouth.
I can do it.
I can do it, with my dick.
What? NANCY: No overhead.
What?
Cash up front on time.
That's
the best offer you're gonna get.
All right. I'll deal with you.
But you don't get my heart
this time. Just business.
Hey.
You okay?
Everyone keeps asking me that.
"Are you okay? Are you okay?"
Well, maybe people
are concerned.
Maybe people should
mind their own business.
Game over.
Please proceed to exit.
I knew it.
I'm just taking inventory!
In case there's a hurricane.
You are cooking a
gigantic love feast for Nancy.
Family love feast,
and I called Elizabitch
and she's cool to cover
derby practice for tonight.
The girls hate Elizabitch.
She's always sticking
them in the penalty box!
Yeah, it's called compromise.
First zoo, and now paella.
I actually like you, Andy,
like, grown-up like you,
like I'm co-parenting with you,
not to mention the fact that
your cock does magical things.
But all of a sudden,
Nancy springs back to life
and she's got the gimpy
leg and her needy eyes,
and I don't know, suddenly,
you're cooking for her, you're distant.
You haven't even once asked me
how am I feeling about
the whole Scott situation,
which, by the way,
is freaking me out.
I need to know that you are
actually in this thing with me
and not just sticking
your toe in the water.
I only have eight toes.
Hey, come on.
Come on.
Hey, what are we doing?
We got, like, a
good thing going on.
Let's not ruin it
by over-thinking.
That was the most artfully
noncommittal phrase ever.
No. Yes.
No.
Maybe. I don't know.
You have company.
That's him.
Sir, did you graffiti this dog?
Hmm. She must have taken a
nap on one of my Day-Glo paintings,
where I wrote those letters
backwards. It's very post-modern.
Liar!
Gilda only naps on pillows.
What kind of name is Gilda?
My grandmother's name.
Ah!
And does your grandmother
also shit and run?
She's dead. And she
was a State Senator!
John, help me out here, please.
Technically, I can't write him
up for spray-painting a dog.
Quote, "It is illegal to paint a
cow or a short-haired goat."
Old Sandwich ordinance 81-3.
It doesn't say
anything about dogs.
Now, what about trespassing on
someone's yard and making caca?
Well, that's a $200 fine.
He can't prove shit about shit!
Well, got to go. Feel a bowel
movement coming on myself.
You have a nice day, now.
Fuck you, Wilson! Fuck you!
Do you use bat guano?
No. No. Should I?
Oh, yeah. It helps with
the root development.
I use Peruvian, but you can
use Jamaican or Indonesian.
Mike, the spitter,
he sells both.
Cool.
Yeah, I've heard of people
making nutrient tea with, like,
worm castings and...
Hey. Can you lock up
the grow house tonight?
Why?
I'm having someone over, a
girl. Are you having a play date?
Hey, I'm R.J.
I need to borrow this.
I'm setting up surveillance to
catch someone named Gilda.
So, is your brother in security?
No, he's a cadet.
ROTC?
Police Academy.
But in the city, though,
not in Connecticut.
Dude, that is
seriously fucked up!
No.
It's cool. I mean,
we make it work.
Yeah, for now, but wait till
he has a badge and friends
in every department
in New York City.
Do you know what that kind
of power does to somebody?
Dude, if my brother was
becoming a cop, I'd be terrified.
I'd change my name to Vladimir.
But, hey, that's
just me, you know?
My brother's an asshole.
I set up four
night-vision cameras,
two over the garage
and two in the front.
Plus motion detectors.
You owe me 300 bucks.
Where's Stevie?
Oh, Nance.
Hey, decided to cook
after all, just a few courses.
Compromise, right?
Mom, this is Angela.
Angela, Nancy.
It's so neat to meet you.
What a neat surprise.
I invited her to dinner.
Where's Stevie?
In...
I told her not to.
Poor guy.
He loved the Komodo
dragon exhibit,
but I think he might
be allergic to lions.
His nose started to run.
I gave him Dimetapp.
Knocked him right out.
So, you're also a cop?
Yup, third generation.
It's funny. In gym class growing
up Shane couldn't do a pull-up.
Had to do that 30-second
chin hang with the girls.
Yeah, well, Silas is unemployed.
Self-employed.
He worked as a bellhop once.
Why were we working at a hotel?
On the run because of...
That mexicunt, right?
The one Shane hit?
What, no hit? No hitting?
Cunt? Bad word?
I'd like to welcome everyone
to the Botwin-Price-Gray
family dinner take two,
continuing where we left off
before we were so rudely
interrupted by a .22 caliber bullet.
Angela, R.J., welcome.
I haven't really spoken to
either of you yet, but I'm so glad
my sons felt comfortable
bringing you here,
will feel comfortable
bringing people here.
As life goes on, gets
more complicated,
roads diverge.
I love you both so much.
All three of you, actually,
because there was supposed to be
three of my sons at this table,
but Jill put Judah to bed, so...
What?
You mean Stevie.
What did I say?
You said, "Judah."
No, I didn't. Yeah.
No.
Nance? Pants.
What's going on?
What's wrong with her?
I don't know! How would I know?
I told her not to
go, didn't I? Didn't I?
You're both so
completely irresponsible.
Perfect. Go for it.
Let it all out, again.
Andy, it's called communication.
It's called Dimetapp.
It's called drugging a child
to mask your own insecurities.
I'm gonna go pick up the girls
from practice. Do not follow me.
We're done, Andy!
Uh, Mrs. Botwin, are you okay?
Huh?
Wade, no!
Eat shit, Wilson!
What the fuck?
What? I didn't
throw shit at you.
Narc.
Technically, narc refers
to the narcotics unit.
Fine, you want to be a cop?
You want to get high on
your own power? Then enjoy.
What? Silas, wait.
Yeah, definitely shit.
Ambien?
I collapsed at laser tag.
There were all
these strobe lights.
Well, you're allowed to show
a little vulnerability, I think.
And
I forgot his name.
Oh, you did.
But your brain is still
reorganizing itself.
Great.
So Stevie will have a
zombie for a mother.
There. You got it right, Stevie.
That was mean what Jill did.
I think she was lashing
out at me, not you,
even though I chose
her this morning,
and then I chose
you, the family.
Why does commitment
have to be exclusive, huh?
Anyway, I'll be sleeping on
the window bench tonight, so...
If you want to talk.
Mommy?
Yes, sweetie?
I can't sleep.
Aw!
You know what?
Me neither.
Hey, can you keep a secret?
Okay.
One, two, three.
You're tall. Whoa,
you're tall. Taller.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Taller, you're way taller.
You are mine, Gilda, you
delicious Day-Glo'd bitch.
What the fuck?
I want weed.
I hear you get great
shit from Afghanistan.
You're the assholes
who jacked the pot.
Do her. Don't do her.
Man. Oh, yeah.
We celebrate the
closing of escrow on this,
the Botwin-Price-Gray
family compound.
I'm in the Police Academy.
We're criminals.
It's the family business.
What the fuck are you doing?
I think I want to be a cop.
But you're not off the rails.
You're here and I'm here. And
we're both in the Dead Daddy Club.
Kindred spirits.
When is your mother coming back?
I need her help. I'm about to
run out of supply, and I can't...
Ah.
People don't
change. It's bullshit!
Are you on roller skates?
Yeah. I'm coaching
the twins' derby team.
Andy and I are at the
room at the top of the stairs.
In the same room
together, the two of us.
Do you hear me?
Oh, shit.
I think the bullet's moving.
Is someone out there?
Hello?
I get it.
Duck. Hey, kiddo.
I like these pictures you drew.
Naked mole rat? He's
obsessed. Oh, yeah?
What is a naked mole rat?
It's like a hairless
rodent. It looks like an...
Could you please let him answer?
Now, who wants breakfast
tacos, Mystery Man? Tiny Feet?
How about today
you and I go and see
a real naked mouse thing?
You're taking him to the zoo?
You know, it's
such a nice day out.
Nance, he's a runner.
You can't keep up.
Sure, I can.
You could rent a
motorized wheelchair.
Lenny used to do it at Disneyland
so he could cut the lines.
What if he falls and
cracks his head open?
I'll take him to the hospital.
It's amazing what they can
do for head injuries these days.
I slept 18 hours last night.
Very jealous.
Oh, yeah? You got
insomnia, Nance?
Ambien.
Gives you freaky dreams,
but you'll sleep like a baby.
How about this? We all go.
No, I need some
alone time with him.
And I've been doing
exercises. I can handle it.
Exercises?
I haven't seen you exercise
since you've been back.
Mmm-hmm.
I stretch the stretchy
thing, squeeze the ball.
I'm taking him.
What's next? Are you gonna
frisk the sink, arrest the toilet?
Nah, maybe I'll just
bust up the grow house.
Us both living
here, it's nuts, right?
I'm not actually gonna bust you.
No, but you could.
Not really. I can't even
write parking tickets yet.
Yeah, well, one day.
One day marijuana will be legal
and you and Mom can buy
a kiosk at the Danbury mall.
Until then, I'd hang heavier
drapes in the grow house
or a black shower curtain.
Thanks for your advice.
Copper.
No prob, perp.
Hey! Hey!
What are you doing?
This is my paper.
It was your paper. But
you forfeited that right
when your giant horse-dog
play-doh'd all over my front porch.
My dog does not shit on brick.
She's a grass-shitter,
sometimes wood chips.
Wade, dear, you forgot
to take your Lexapro.
Later, Mother. I'm busy!
You still live with your mother?
Just get off our property.
Like this child?
Where's she going, huh?
She's not going anywhere.
She's like you.
Oh, great!
Aw! Kismet.
Shit foot.
I'm looking up
directions to the zoo.
We still need to talk
about the Police Academy.
I stand by my love
of Steve Guttenberg.
It's a very
dangerous profession.
On any given day,
you can be shot.
I've already been shot.
You know what I mean.
Personally, I thought
puppeteer was a good fit for you,
but maybe that's the kind of job
you can only do in
Europe. I don't know.
Did he tell you?
He's flexing in
front of a mirror
with one of those
cop stick things.
Billy club? Truncheon?
We'll talk about this when I get
back. Stevie, come on! Let's go!
I can't talk right now.
I'm not calling for you.
I'm calling for your mother.
It's Kiku.
Hello? Question.
Are you recovered yet?
Uh, I can chew with
my mouth closed.
Do Sudoku.
Great. I think I might be
in kind of, like, a situation.
My friend India, who's
a model from Sri Lanka,
gave me the name of this dealer
named Jersey who
lives in Staten Island.
So I'm at his place,
and this is really not
a healthy business environment.
Are you buying or what?
Can you come here?
I'm hanging out
with my kid today.
Is bubble hash like a more
expensive version of weed?
Do not buy bubble hash.
Wait, you're cutting out.
Did you say buy the bubble hash?
No!
Fucking Staten Island!
Look, I've sent you a car.
No! If you can just...
Kiku? Hello?
Oh, my God.
So, we have to take a tiny
detour through Staten Island,
which probably has tons of
odd patchy-haired rodents.
Right. Dumb idea. Old me idea.
Jill, can you?
Yes, of course
I can. I'd love to.
I love the zoo.
I love spending time with you.
We're gonna have so much fun.
It's gonna be the best day ever.
Uh...
I have to help a friend,
but how about tonight
we have a special dinner
and you can sit next to
me? How does that sound?
Okay?
Andy, can you cook that...
The thing with the squid
and the spices? I can't...
Uh...
No, I can't. I have
derby practice tonight.
Oh. Fine. Well, we'll order in.
I'm wearing a sports bra.
Okay.
I just thought I
should warn you.
There's no hooks.
Some guys get confused.
Also, in college, I thought
maybe I was asexual,
but it turns out I
just suck at intimacy.
I think it's a generational...
Do you have plans tonight?
Are you asking me out while
your hand is on my boob?
Only to dinner, if you
want, at my mom's house.
You want me to meet your mom?
She's pretty cool, actually. You're
a lot alike. She's really intense.
That's a perversely
sweet thing to say.
Yeah, I'll come tonight.
Cool.
Cool.
Hey. Had a few questions.
Yeah, shoot.
This indoor weed
strain I'm working on,
it's really strong, but it
has a kind of low yield.
Do you have any
nutrient solutions
that might help force more buds?
We sell, quote,
gardening supplies.
You're a hydroponic
supply store.
Does New Jersey have
a different definition of...
I think what my friend
here is trying to say
is that he's reducing
his food bill this month
by growing cherry
tomatoes in a safe
and totally non-profit
home environment.
Yes, he is over 21, and, no, he
doesn't have a criminal record.
Do you?
Connoisseur combo pack.
Thanks, Mike. I'll ring him up.
You work here? Part-time.
Let me guess. West Coast?
Well, I live in Connecticut,
but I'm from California.
Fucking love Cali!
Not that I've been, but I've
read everything by Didion.
I went through a phase where I was
obsessed with 1960s surfing movies.
Way more lax than East
Coast. Do you play ping-pong?
Wait, don't answer that.
R.J.
Silas.
What's up?
Kiku's gonna leave now, okay?
No. She promised to
buy some of my product.
I did not promise.
Fuck! You did!
Your product is not what
she's supposed to be selling.
We're not hash
people. It's a taste thing.
It's just different
spices of life.
I have to sit.
Are you okay?
Why didn't you
just call Demetri?
He refused to sell to me.
I'm missing a day
with my kid, okay?
What makes you think that I'm just
gonna let you all walk out of here?
I'm tired, had a hard few
months, eaten a lot of Jell-O,
discovering don't want
to be doing this anymore.
Whole reason I hired you.
I'm really grateful
you're gonna let us go,
so I'd like to offer you these.
Prescription pain-killers.
There's a few left.
I don't want pills.
That shit's addictive.
Well, what do you want?
What do you think of her cane?
Uh...
It's simple, but festive.
COMPUTERIZED
VOICE: Get ready to start.
He wrote, "Yellow team base."
What's base?
That looks like a volcano.
I don't know if this is a
good time to bring this up,
but me and Silas...
Oh, no. La-la-la. Stop talking.
He's like Christian Grey without
the money. It's pretty fucking hot.
I don't know who Christian
Grey is. I don't care.
Silas is a grown man.
Speaking of grown men.
Hey.
Hang on a sec.
With his idiot entourage.
Wonderful.
Could you give me a...
Just go away for a sec?
You don't call. You don't write.
I was in the brig.
And what, they
don't have mail there?
What about you? You only call
me when you need something?
Send your little high-heeled
tottering underlings?
I was shot in the head.
Cut the bullshit.
Just...
You're fucking
somebody else, right?
Shot in the head.
For real, okay? What?
Holy shit.
Just sell to Kiku, okay?
She needs weed.
Please sell her your weed.
War's winding down.
Most of my guys have
shipped home already, anyway,
and even if I could get my
hands on a supply for you,
which I'm not saying that I can,
but even if I did, I would have
to grease so many local palms
that you and Posh
Spice over there
couldn't even begin to
afford that kind of olive oil.
Palm oil?
I got you, sexy dealer lady!
What the fuck are you
doing? What did I do?
She's got a bullet in her head!
You point a fucking laser
gun at her? Fucking idiot!
I didn't know she
took a bullet, man!
How was I supposed to know that?
What's happening?
Is she hemorrhaging?
You okay? Hey, can you hear me?
I can do mouth-to-mouth.
I can do it.
I can do it, with my dick.
What? NANCY: No overhead.
What?
Cash up front on time.
That's
the best offer you're gonna get.
All right. I'll deal with you.
But you don't get my heart
this time. Just business.
Hey.
You okay?
Everyone keeps asking me that.
"Are you okay? Are you okay?"
Well, maybe people
are concerned.
Maybe people should
mind their own business.
Game over.
Please proceed to exit.
I knew it.
I'm just taking inventory!
In case there's a hurricane.
You are cooking a
gigantic love feast for Nancy.
Family love feast,
and I called Elizabitch
and she's cool to cover
derby practice for tonight.
The girls hate Elizabitch.
She's always sticking
them in the penalty box!
Yeah, it's called compromise.
First zoo, and now paella.
I actually like you, Andy,
like, grown-up like you,
like I'm co-parenting with you,
not to mention the fact that
your cock does magical things.
But all of a sudden,
Nancy springs back to life
and she's got the gimpy
leg and her needy eyes,
and I don't know, suddenly,
you're cooking for her, you're distant.
You haven't even once asked me
how am I feeling about
the whole Scott situation,
which, by the way,
is freaking me out.
I need to know that you are
actually in this thing with me
and not just sticking
your toe in the water.
I only have eight toes.
Hey, come on.
Come on.
Hey, what are we doing?
We got, like, a
good thing going on.
Let's not ruin it
by over-thinking.
That was the most artfully
noncommittal phrase ever.
No. Yes.
No.
Maybe. I don't know.
You have company.
That's him.
Sir, did you graffiti this dog?
Hmm. She must have taken a
nap on one of my Day-Glo paintings,
where I wrote those letters
backwards. It's very post-modern.
Liar!
Gilda only naps on pillows.
What kind of name is Gilda?
My grandmother's name.
Ah!
And does your grandmother
also shit and run?
She's dead. And she
was a State Senator!
John, help me out here, please.
Technically, I can't write him
up for spray-painting a dog.
Quote, "It is illegal to paint a
cow or a short-haired goat."
Old Sandwich ordinance 81-3.
It doesn't say
anything about dogs.
Now, what about trespassing on
someone's yard and making caca?
Well, that's a $200 fine.
He can't prove shit about shit!
Well, got to go. Feel a bowel
movement coming on myself.
You have a nice day, now.
Fuck you, Wilson! Fuck you!
Do you use bat guano?
No. No. Should I?
Oh, yeah. It helps with
the root development.
I use Peruvian, but you can
use Jamaican or Indonesian.
Mike, the spitter,
he sells both.
Cool.
Yeah, I've heard of people
making nutrient tea with, like,
worm castings and...
Hey. Can you lock up
the grow house tonight?
Why?
I'm having someone over, a
girl. Are you having a play date?
Hey, I'm R.J.
I need to borrow this.
I'm setting up surveillance to
catch someone named Gilda.
So, is your brother in security?
No, he's a cadet.
ROTC?
Police Academy.
But in the city, though,
not in Connecticut.
Dude, that is
seriously fucked up!
No.
It's cool. I mean,
we make it work.
Yeah, for now, but wait till
he has a badge and friends
in every department
in New York City.
Do you know what that kind
of power does to somebody?
Dude, if my brother was
becoming a cop, I'd be terrified.
I'd change my name to Vladimir.
But, hey, that's
just me, you know?
My brother's an asshole.
I set up four
night-vision cameras,
two over the garage
and two in the front.
Plus motion detectors.
You owe me 300 bucks.
Where's Stevie?
Oh, Nance.
Hey, decided to cook
after all, just a few courses.
Compromise, right?
Mom, this is Angela.
Angela, Nancy.
It's so neat to meet you.
What a neat surprise.
I invited her to dinner.
Where's Stevie?
In...
I told her not to.
Poor guy.
He loved the Komodo
dragon exhibit,
but I think he might
be allergic to lions.
His nose started to run.
I gave him Dimetapp.
Knocked him right out.
So, you're also a cop?
Yup, third generation.
It's funny. In gym class growing
up Shane couldn't do a pull-up.
Had to do that 30-second
chin hang with the girls.
Yeah, well, Silas is unemployed.
Self-employed.
He worked as a bellhop once.
Why were we working at a hotel?
On the run because of...
That mexicunt, right?
The one Shane hit?
What, no hit? No hitting?
Cunt? Bad word?
I'd like to welcome everyone
to the Botwin-Price-Gray
family dinner take two,
continuing where we left off
before we were so rudely
interrupted by a .22 caliber bullet.
Angela, R.J., welcome.
I haven't really spoken to
either of you yet, but I'm so glad
my sons felt comfortable
bringing you here,
will feel comfortable
bringing people here.
As life goes on, gets
more complicated,
roads diverge.
I love you both so much.
All three of you, actually,
because there was supposed to be
three of my sons at this table,
but Jill put Judah to bed, so...
What?
You mean Stevie.
What did I say?
You said, "Judah."
No, I didn't. Yeah.
No.
Nance? Pants.
What's going on?
What's wrong with her?
I don't know! How would I know?
I told her not to
go, didn't I? Didn't I?
You're both so
completely irresponsible.
Perfect. Go for it.
Let it all out, again.
Andy, it's called communication.
It's called Dimetapp.
It's called drugging a child
to mask your own insecurities.
I'm gonna go pick up the girls
from practice. Do not follow me.
We're done, Andy!
Uh, Mrs. Botwin, are you okay?
Huh?
Wade, no!
Eat shit, Wilson!
What the fuck?
What? I didn't
throw shit at you.
Narc.
Technically, narc refers
to the narcotics unit.
Fine, you want to be a cop?
You want to get high on
your own power? Then enjoy.
What? Silas, wait.
Yeah, definitely shit.
Ambien?
I collapsed at laser tag.
There were all
these strobe lights.
Well, you're allowed to show
a little vulnerability, I think.
And
I forgot his name.
Oh, you did.
But your brain is still
reorganizing itself.
Great.
So Stevie will have a
zombie for a mother.
There. You got it right, Stevie.
That was mean what Jill did.
I think she was lashing
out at me, not you,
even though I chose
her this morning,
and then I chose
you, the family.
Why does commitment
have to be exclusive, huh?
Anyway, I'll be sleeping on
the window bench tonight, so...
If you want to talk.
Mommy?
Yes, sweetie?
I can't sleep.
Aw!
You know what?
Me neither.
Hey, can you keep a secret?
Okay.
One, two, three.
You're tall. Whoa,
you're tall. Taller.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Taller, you're way taller.
You are mine, Gilda, you
delicious Day-Glo'd bitch.
What the fuck?