Weeds (2005–2012): Season 8, Episode 6 - Allosaurus Crush Castle - full transcript
Nancy is ready to get her life back on track, and starts anew with a job search. Jill drops a bomb on Andy and Doug. Silas must track down the location of his stolen plants. Shane uses his superior intellect to make some extra cash at the police academy.
Previously on Weeds.
The fuck?
What's the matter with
you, man? Are you on drugs?
My parents have been
drugging me since I was 13.
Just give me my plants, man.
Do you have plans tonight?
Are you asking me out while
your hand is on my boob?
If you can catch
me, you can fuck me.
Yeah, I'll get my skates.
I was having sex with this
woman at the derby rink.
You broke up with me.
Is this real life?
No. You're dreaming.
Now, go harder.
What the fuck?
I guess we're even.
Please go back to screwing Andy.
We have no money. Doug's cash
is all tied up in that fake charity,
and you and Andy
don't make dick.
We're really broke? Yes.
Maybe it's the bullet? I don't
know, this just isn't me anymore.
I'm gonna need
you to buy me out.
I can't keep making
the same choices.
Something that keeps me
busy, maybe with flexible hours.
I have a young son.
Mmm. But I'm
open. I want to work.
You really can't see a mark.
Sorry?
Oh, where you got shot. I
just expected something bigger.
I mean not, like, a huge,
gaping hole, but I don't know.
A dent, a spider crack.
Oh, my secretary
found that article
about you in the
Old Sandwich Press.
You know, we pre-screen everyone
who makes an appointment, so...
I need a job, Mr. Burks.
Listen, we're a high-level
executive search firm,
so we deal with
CEOs, CFOs, COOs...
You took this appointment.
Okay. Full disclosure.
The article was a doozy.
I mean, I was curious.
It was a mistake.
I'm sorry. Mea culpa.
Then make it right. I've
worked with CEOs, CFOs.
I've led my own sales
team, marketing, re-branding.
I've...
Just tell me who to talk to. Just
point me in the right direction.
Shake the trees, put yourself out
there and keep your head down.
How long you been standing here?
You always hum Hava
nagila when you jerk off?
You can't make me feel any
guiltier about screwing Doug.
It was weeks ago.
And if you think
it was bad for you,
imagine what it was like for me.
I'm pregnant.
Well, I wish you both the best.
I'm sure you and Doug
will have a great baby
and a great life together.
Now I'm gonna go
lay under a blanket.
It's not Doug's.
Andy?
You're sweating.
There's a very real lack
of air flow in this hallway.
There's, like, nothing coming
out of these vents. Nothing.
That's a return.
Oh... Well, you've
got it all figured out.
I've got nothing figured out.
And when I said it wasn't
Doug's, that's just a guess,
a hope, really.
But I'm almost
for sure pregnant.
At least it feels that way.
Mazel tov?
Got to love organized chaos.
Yeah. They're like
molecules all bouncing around.
Or tripping themselves,
in the case of my son.
Shake it off, champ!
Maybe there was
a sprinkler head?
If only. But thank you.
I'm Terry.
Nancy.
Gonna have to make
a citizen's arrest.
Excuse me?
The hand-off? You should
have hid it in the magazine.
Oh. That's what
that looked like?
Oh, boy. Oh, no. Relax.
It's none of my business.
No, no, no. It's...
Frank's got a prostate
the size of a VW.
The guy next to him,
Rog, he's got a fungus
that I shouldn't speak about in
mixed company, but it's not good.
Prostiflo for Frank,
Zycopril for Rog.
Oh, so it's Dr. Terry.
Not exactly.
You're the biggest
drug dealer in town.
Yeah. Legal one, anyway.
Care for a juice box?
Thank you.
Jabberwocky!
10.78 seconds.
Oh, hey, Silas. Do
you like sport stacking?
What the fuck?
Do you want to try a cycle?
Want to try a cycle?
I've been looking for
you for three weeks.
I've been checking
in on Foursquare.
Yeah, I got that.
Now, nutballs,
you stole my plants.
And that's a total my bad.
But the good news is, I'm back on
my meds, so that won't happen again.
Where are they?
They're, like, locked in
a cabinet somewhere.
The nurse distributes
them twice a day, so...
My plants.
Oh.
They're in a closet
at my parents' house.
But they're fine. I
left some lights on.
Oh, you left a
couple lights. Let's go.
I'm still on psych hold.
I can't go anywhere.
Okay. Why don't you tell
me where your parents live,
and I'll go get them myself?
No way. My parents freak if
one of my drug friends shows up.
I need my plants.
I don't know what to tell you. I'm
really sorry, Silas. I wasn't myself.
I mean I was myself. I just
wasn't my medicated self.
Do you want to
learn how to stack?
Okay. Never mind.
Spanked it. 95%.
Statutes are my bitch.
97%. Spanked it, spanked you.
Might even spank myself. I'm so good.
Want to show me that tonight?
I can bring over some burgers.
Maybe your cheap ass
should take me out to dinner.
Attention, everyone.
Well, except for a couple of you
that fell outside
the bell curve,
I imagine you're all looking at
your grades with disappointment.
You're wondering
why you're so stupid.
I don't know. It is unfortunate.
So, to help you combat that,
I want you to write an essay.
Five hundred words
due tomorrow morning
"Why do I deserve to be a cop?"
Yeah?
Why you deserve to
be a cop or I, like me?
Whatever you think
is best, Ronchetta.
Now, I don't want
to be here anymore.
Bye, loser.
Mets tickets down the drain.
And it's Tejada bobblehead night.
Man, I was gonna
take my girl to B-Dubs.
Something about eating hot
wings just moves her juices.
I'll write your essays.
100 bucks each.
100 bucks? Fuck off, Botwin.
I'm just trying to help,
bobbleheads, juices.
All right.
Austin! Good! You won!
Go out again, Ethan!
They all hate me
'cause Stevie's so good.
They hate me
'cause Kyle's so bad.
That's why I give them the
free samples, so they'll play him.
He's a born
scientist, like his dad.
Yeah, well, we all
have our talents.
I used to be in the drug
business, too. Sales.
Oh. With whom?
A small company. It's
not around anymore,
but I'm looking to
get back into the field.
Yeah? Did you do well there?
Number one, year after year.
Huh.
Look at those guys.
Look at that. They
could be friends.
Maybe. I also did marketing.
Led this huge re-branding effort.
Why don't they do a play-date
thing? Like a sleepover or something?
They should do a sleepover.
They're not kittens.
You can't just put them
in a box and say, "Play."
Why not? Please.
Kyle needs a friend.
My wife and I need
Kyle to have a friend.
We haven't had a night
to ourselves in three years.
You know that's what
nannies and sitters are for.
They all talk.
It's like a secret little club.
Once you get blacklisted,
you're screwed.
So he's got a few
quirks. He's five.
One sleepover, tonight.
And I will call my
colleague in sales,
recommend he
hire a new sales rep.
Sales rep? Yeah? One sleepover?
Okay.
Yes. Yes.
My wife, I'm gonna
call her right now.
I should hit the liquor
store on the way home.
Shit.
All right. Enough of this
faggy silent treatment.
Let's get it out in the open.
Yes, I fucked
the shit out of Jill.
That was probably not cool.
She might be pregnant.
Well, that is
definitely not cool.
You're definitely not cool.
And what do you care?
It's probably not yours.
It could be mine.
It could be mine. Shit.
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
Shit.
Want to play to
see whose kid it is?
That takes a crystal ball,
Doug, not an eight ball.
No, I mean for
who takes it all on.
Nice. Real nice.
I suck at pool. Darts?
No. No dartboard.
Fuck! We don't even
know if she's pregnant yet.
Yes, we do.
So, does the winner get me
and the kid or is that the loser?
Assholes.
I'll rack.
Surprise!
Who the fuck?
Really, Suze? Does every
occasion need a stripper?
He was supposed to be a cop.
Uh...
It's a whole thing that we do.
Bring in a robber...
Less talking.
Surprise!
Shit, it's ruined.
Happy birthday, Trace.
Start the music, guys.
Whoo!
Lose the shirt.
Lose the shirt!
This is the best birthday ever!
That castle sucks.
This is where the
king and queen live.
My Allosaurus will
eat them in a second.
No, no. Play together,
boys, or it's bedtime, all right?
Fine. We can build the tower.
And I'll get a bug and I'll put
it on the tower and torture it.
No. No torture. Happy
kings and queens, okay?
Plant-eating dinosaurs.
Jesus, they're multiplying.
That's Kyle.
He's a little shit.
Be grateful.
Boys are little shits
when it doesn't matter.
Girls wait till they're older,
till they can get
piercings and STDs
and call their mom
a bag of cunts.
On the bright side,
I'm getting a job.
It's a real banner-fucking-day.
Allosaurus, crush castle!
No, no, no!
Oh, God.
It's okay! It's okay! You're okay.
Let me see. Let me see. Let me see.
Oh, it's just a bump. It's just
an itty-bitty, itty-bitty, little bump.
He hit me. I'm calling my dad.
We get a horse.
What? A horse.
We take her riding, make
it look like an accident.
You're not acci-borting my baby.
Or mine. Nothing's proven yet.
This is a weird office.
That sitar was
George Harrison's.
It's amazing how much
you can buy at an auction
with a shitload
of charity money.
Not sure where that mattress
came from. Pass the bottle.
Used up all my good karma.
Damn you, derby sex goddess.
It's my fault, really. I usually
make a go for the poop chute.
It was late. I didn't even try.
Or is this good karma?
Depends on me. Me. It was me.
I'm too old to run
out on another kid.
Andy Botwin, glue of the Botwin
family, uncle, brother, mentor.
Father.
Maybe this is another
chance to do it right.
Raise a good kid. Not gay.
Father, father. Actual father.
Birth through whatever,
me and the kid.
Ballgames and science projects.
I should have come on her tits.
Report cards and lectures
and yelling for no real reason.
Failed expectations.
False expectations. Love?
Oh, you'd never know
it. I can't do it. Shit.
Right this way.
Uh...
Hey, guys. What's going on?
Unwanted pregnancy.
You got a horse?
I'm calling my daddy.
What about those Japanese
cards with the weird animals?
Do you like those? I think
we have some of those.
Pokemon. I hate Pokemon.
Okay.
What about a book? No, a movie.
You want to watch a
movie? Let's watch a movie.
I'm telling my dad, and
he's going to hate you.
Kyle.
Hey!
Sit down before I
microwave your Allosaurus!
Okay?
You're into bugs and
dinosaurs and not so into sports,
so I'm thinking you're
pretty smart, right?
And inexplicably mature. Do
you know what "mature" means?
No?
Grownup, able to handle
things, like the truth,
and getting hit with blocks.
Lots of blocks are gonna
come your way in life, Kyle.
Lots.
Especially if you
go on acting like this.
You're gonna grow up, and
people are gonna hate you,
really not like you at all.
Forget girls.
Forget friends.
Sure, some might act
like your friends, but really,
they just want something
from you, money, sex, drugs.
You're an asshole, and it gets
you to the top and guess what?
There's nobody else there. So
you double down and keep working.
And before you know it, any
family you had is long gone, too.
But,
I'm thinking it's not too late
for you to do things differently.
Is this 'cause you
got shot in the head?
Hey.
Kyle, you're gonna play
with Shane for a while, okay?
I owe you one.
Silas? Silas?
Oh, hi, Mom. Just
doing a little cleaning up.
I think I pimped out
both your brothers tonight.
Oh, well, if you're trying
to go for the trifecta, sorry,
'cause I already
pimped myself out.
You're drunk and
dressed like a ninja.
And what... Where
are your plants?
Oh, those? They got stolen
weeks ago. But I had a plan.
All I had to do was
sneak into the house
when nobody was
home and get them back.
Is it technically robbery if you're
stealing stuff that's already yours?
Whose home?
You know, I don't
even know their names.
Well, I mean, there's
Tracy, of course.
She turned 50 today. But
really, they're just strangers.
Never did anything to
me. I just let myself right in.
Oh, but wait. I'm not a
burglar. I'm a burglar stripper.
Wow. Not a single piece of
that made sense. When? What...
You got freaking robbed,
and you didn't say anything.
I was handling it.
God, we gotta stop doing this.
No shit.
But what?
We just throw our
jobs in the wood chipper
and stare at each other all day?
I'm trying, Silas.
Well, good for you.
And what do I do?
What about my work?
It just... It isn't
worth it anymore.
This is what I'm good at.
I mean, maybe not. I
don't know anymore.
No, yes.
The growing, yes. The growing.
It's just the business part of it.
Maybe not your forte.
I'm gonna make coffee.
Please come inside.
I'm gonna finish
cleaning up here.
I think I can get some seeds on
consignment, start a new cycle.
I mean, that or practice my
dance moves. I'm very hot.
Just ask Tracy and her friends.
Go, stripper. Go, stripper.
Go, stripper. Go,
stripper. Go, stripper.
Go, stripper. Go, stripper.
Go, stripper. Go, stripper.
Security! Move!
No, I'm protesting!
Tear gas!
I'm the 99%!
1%! 1%!
I'm 99%! Ahh!
Get a job! Get a job! 1%! 1%!
1%, 1%, 1%, 1%, 1%!
Get a job! Get a job! 1%, 1%!
All right.
You wanted to see me?
Great essay, Botwin.
Thanks. I guess
the topic just...
Great essay, Botwin.
Great essay, Botwin. I sound
like a damn broken record.
How much did Ronchetta
and Bondi pay you?
I don't know what
you're talking about, sir.
And I thought you
were a smart one.
Fork it over, and I'll see
fit to forget all about this.
Can't we work something out?
I mean, this isn't the last
assignment you're gonna give, is it?
Well, you're gonna do just
fine in the NYPD, aren't you?
Nancy! Come on in.
Thank you, thank you, thank
you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Last night was amazing.
It was like a dam breaking.
I'd forgotten Amy could even...
Oh, that's great.
You know, we had
a great time, too.
Hey, Kyle has this bruise.
Well, we were
playing Twister and...
The kid is a klutz.
You were gonna
make a call for me.
Yes, yes. Already made.
You're all set up. I
said you're a perfect fit.
Sociable, attractive,
motivated, good with assholes.
Am I right?
On all counts.
So, this is what your
company makes.
Complete SJ family, head to
toe and everything in between.
Adia?
Asthma.
Brialta? Arthritis.
Celimax? Heart.
Celitrex. Heart.
Diotrex. Bowels.
Flopene. Gas.
Helipram. Asthma.
Livatera. Cholesterol.
Livatrope. Cholesterol.
Livapro. Cholesterol.
Something for
everything. And Maritor.
Maritor's an underperformer.
Frankly, a dud.
Really?
It's synthetic pot. Like
drinking near-beer.
The marijuana pill. Yes.
But when Washington
flips the switch and it's legal,
my department's gonna be ready.
We've got a whole raft of
new products we're working on
with real THC.
Very NG.
NG? Next generation.
We're gonna kill
it. Through the roof.
Oh.
What's up, King Andy?
Ready to hold court?
Why, yes, I am. I decree it so.
Decree me a flagon
of mead and a wench.
This is my castle, bitches...
What's up? I'm just helping Stevie
out here. Stevie? That kid is so quick.
I have to go to the doctor.
I can see you're in the middle
of something very important here,
so I'll let you know
how it turns out.
Let's do this.
Let's have a baby.
What if it's Doug's?
Doesn't matter. A little bit.
Cross that moat later.
The point is I'm
ready. Let's go.
"I'm ready. Let's go?"
What? Should I cross my arms
and wink and wiggle my nose
and then, boom,
nine months later,
"Do you have the
stirrups ready?"
Shush, shush!
I did some thinking. I
did some soul-searching.
Thank you, Kentucky.
You've perfected bourbon,
if nothing else. Okay.
It's been easy,
relatively speaking,
being "Uncle Andy,"
"Brother Andy,"
"Amazing-lover Andy."
"Father Andy," horse
of a different color.
Scary, not just 'cause it sounds
like I joined the priesthood.
Why did it scare me? 'Cause
I've been thinking of it all wrong.
"Father Andy" is
not Andy's father.
See? Andy's father being Lenny,
with all his bullshit,
spiteful Yiddish epithets.
You think he ever
built a castle with me?
These things are awesome. There's
drawbridges and horses and shit.
We should also get the
king's battle chariot set.
Anyway, I can...
No, I want to do these things
with him. Lee Marvin Botwin.
Or her. Lynda Carter Botwin.
Too soon for that? I'm flexible.
We'll call him Little
Ziggy Stardust for now.
Placeholder, unless
you like that one.
Do you know how
much these sets cost?
Well, we could get,
like, China knockoffs,
although that's a
total Lenny move.
Get a job.
Or I could do that.
We developed Prazilax
right here, this very building.
I don't have to tell you what
that did for the enzyme world.
You'll have access to this
whole wing if you're hired.
Gotta show me you got the goods.
Can't justify two new
hires on sleepovers alone.
Won't be a problem.
Sleepovers? Plural?
Amy went shopping at the
Pleasure Palace yesterday.
Holy shit.
I'm getting a
company car, right?
Everyone gets their toys.
The fuck?
What's the matter with
you, man? Are you on drugs?
My parents have been
drugging me since I was 13.
Just give me my plants, man.
Do you have plans tonight?
Are you asking me out while
your hand is on my boob?
If you can catch
me, you can fuck me.
Yeah, I'll get my skates.
I was having sex with this
woman at the derby rink.
You broke up with me.
Is this real life?
No. You're dreaming.
Now, go harder.
What the fuck?
I guess we're even.
Please go back to screwing Andy.
We have no money. Doug's cash
is all tied up in that fake charity,
and you and Andy
don't make dick.
We're really broke? Yes.
Maybe it's the bullet? I don't
know, this just isn't me anymore.
I'm gonna need
you to buy me out.
I can't keep making
the same choices.
Something that keeps me
busy, maybe with flexible hours.
I have a young son.
Mmm. But I'm
open. I want to work.
You really can't see a mark.
Sorry?
Oh, where you got shot. I
just expected something bigger.
I mean not, like, a huge,
gaping hole, but I don't know.
A dent, a spider crack.
Oh, my secretary
found that article
about you in the
Old Sandwich Press.
You know, we pre-screen everyone
who makes an appointment, so...
I need a job, Mr. Burks.
Listen, we're a high-level
executive search firm,
so we deal with
CEOs, CFOs, COOs...
You took this appointment.
Okay. Full disclosure.
The article was a doozy.
I mean, I was curious.
It was a mistake.
I'm sorry. Mea culpa.
Then make it right. I've
worked with CEOs, CFOs.
I've led my own sales
team, marketing, re-branding.
I've...
Just tell me who to talk to. Just
point me in the right direction.
Shake the trees, put yourself out
there and keep your head down.
How long you been standing here?
You always hum Hava
nagila when you jerk off?
You can't make me feel any
guiltier about screwing Doug.
It was weeks ago.
And if you think
it was bad for you,
imagine what it was like for me.
I'm pregnant.
Well, I wish you both the best.
I'm sure you and Doug
will have a great baby
and a great life together.
Now I'm gonna go
lay under a blanket.
It's not Doug's.
Andy?
You're sweating.
There's a very real lack
of air flow in this hallway.
There's, like, nothing coming
out of these vents. Nothing.
That's a return.
Oh... Well, you've
got it all figured out.
I've got nothing figured out.
And when I said it wasn't
Doug's, that's just a guess,
a hope, really.
But I'm almost
for sure pregnant.
At least it feels that way.
Mazel tov?
Got to love organized chaos.
Yeah. They're like
molecules all bouncing around.
Or tripping themselves,
in the case of my son.
Shake it off, champ!
Maybe there was
a sprinkler head?
If only. But thank you.
I'm Terry.
Nancy.
Gonna have to make
a citizen's arrest.
Excuse me?
The hand-off? You should
have hid it in the magazine.
Oh. That's what
that looked like?
Oh, boy. Oh, no. Relax.
It's none of my business.
No, no, no. It's...
Frank's got a prostate
the size of a VW.
The guy next to him,
Rog, he's got a fungus
that I shouldn't speak about in
mixed company, but it's not good.
Prostiflo for Frank,
Zycopril for Rog.
Oh, so it's Dr. Terry.
Not exactly.
You're the biggest
drug dealer in town.
Yeah. Legal one, anyway.
Care for a juice box?
Thank you.
Jabberwocky!
10.78 seconds.
Oh, hey, Silas. Do
you like sport stacking?
What the fuck?
Do you want to try a cycle?
Want to try a cycle?
I've been looking for
you for three weeks.
I've been checking
in on Foursquare.
Yeah, I got that.
Now, nutballs,
you stole my plants.
And that's a total my bad.
But the good news is, I'm back on
my meds, so that won't happen again.
Where are they?
They're, like, locked in
a cabinet somewhere.
The nurse distributes
them twice a day, so...
My plants.
Oh.
They're in a closet
at my parents' house.
But they're fine. I
left some lights on.
Oh, you left a
couple lights. Let's go.
I'm still on psych hold.
I can't go anywhere.
Okay. Why don't you tell
me where your parents live,
and I'll go get them myself?
No way. My parents freak if
one of my drug friends shows up.
I need my plants.
I don't know what to tell you. I'm
really sorry, Silas. I wasn't myself.
I mean I was myself. I just
wasn't my medicated self.
Do you want to
learn how to stack?
Okay. Never mind.
Spanked it. 95%.
Statutes are my bitch.
97%. Spanked it, spanked you.
Might even spank myself. I'm so good.
Want to show me that tonight?
I can bring over some burgers.
Maybe your cheap ass
should take me out to dinner.
Attention, everyone.
Well, except for a couple of you
that fell outside
the bell curve,
I imagine you're all looking at
your grades with disappointment.
You're wondering
why you're so stupid.
I don't know. It is unfortunate.
So, to help you combat that,
I want you to write an essay.
Five hundred words
due tomorrow morning
"Why do I deserve to be a cop?"
Yeah?
Why you deserve to
be a cop or I, like me?
Whatever you think
is best, Ronchetta.
Now, I don't want
to be here anymore.
Bye, loser.
Mets tickets down the drain.
And it's Tejada bobblehead night.
Man, I was gonna
take my girl to B-Dubs.
Something about eating hot
wings just moves her juices.
I'll write your essays.
100 bucks each.
100 bucks? Fuck off, Botwin.
I'm just trying to help,
bobbleheads, juices.
All right.
Austin! Good! You won!
Go out again, Ethan!
They all hate me
'cause Stevie's so good.
They hate me
'cause Kyle's so bad.
That's why I give them the
free samples, so they'll play him.
He's a born
scientist, like his dad.
Yeah, well, we all
have our talents.
I used to be in the drug
business, too. Sales.
Oh. With whom?
A small company. It's
not around anymore,
but I'm looking to
get back into the field.
Yeah? Did you do well there?
Number one, year after year.
Huh.
Look at those guys.
Look at that. They
could be friends.
Maybe. I also did marketing.
Led this huge re-branding effort.
Why don't they do a play-date
thing? Like a sleepover or something?
They should do a sleepover.
They're not kittens.
You can't just put them
in a box and say, "Play."
Why not? Please.
Kyle needs a friend.
My wife and I need
Kyle to have a friend.
We haven't had a night
to ourselves in three years.
You know that's what
nannies and sitters are for.
They all talk.
It's like a secret little club.
Once you get blacklisted,
you're screwed.
So he's got a few
quirks. He's five.
One sleepover, tonight.
And I will call my
colleague in sales,
recommend he
hire a new sales rep.
Sales rep? Yeah? One sleepover?
Okay.
Yes. Yes.
My wife, I'm gonna
call her right now.
I should hit the liquor
store on the way home.
Shit.
All right. Enough of this
faggy silent treatment.
Let's get it out in the open.
Yes, I fucked
the shit out of Jill.
That was probably not cool.
She might be pregnant.
Well, that is
definitely not cool.
You're definitely not cool.
And what do you care?
It's probably not yours.
It could be mine.
It could be mine. Shit.
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
Shit.
Want to play to
see whose kid it is?
That takes a crystal ball,
Doug, not an eight ball.
No, I mean for
who takes it all on.
Nice. Real nice.
I suck at pool. Darts?
No. No dartboard.
Fuck! We don't even
know if she's pregnant yet.
Yes, we do.
So, does the winner get me
and the kid or is that the loser?
Assholes.
I'll rack.
Surprise!
Who the fuck?
Really, Suze? Does every
occasion need a stripper?
He was supposed to be a cop.
Uh...
It's a whole thing that we do.
Bring in a robber...
Less talking.
Surprise!
Shit, it's ruined.
Happy birthday, Trace.
Start the music, guys.
Whoo!
Lose the shirt.
Lose the shirt!
This is the best birthday ever!
That castle sucks.
This is where the
king and queen live.
My Allosaurus will
eat them in a second.
No, no. Play together,
boys, or it's bedtime, all right?
Fine. We can build the tower.
And I'll get a bug and I'll put
it on the tower and torture it.
No. No torture. Happy
kings and queens, okay?
Plant-eating dinosaurs.
Jesus, they're multiplying.
That's Kyle.
He's a little shit.
Be grateful.
Boys are little shits
when it doesn't matter.
Girls wait till they're older,
till they can get
piercings and STDs
and call their mom
a bag of cunts.
On the bright side,
I'm getting a job.
It's a real banner-fucking-day.
Allosaurus, crush castle!
No, no, no!
Oh, God.
It's okay! It's okay! You're okay.
Let me see. Let me see. Let me see.
Oh, it's just a bump. It's just
an itty-bitty, itty-bitty, little bump.
He hit me. I'm calling my dad.
We get a horse.
What? A horse.
We take her riding, make
it look like an accident.
You're not acci-borting my baby.
Or mine. Nothing's proven yet.
This is a weird office.
That sitar was
George Harrison's.
It's amazing how much
you can buy at an auction
with a shitload
of charity money.
Not sure where that mattress
came from. Pass the bottle.
Used up all my good karma.
Damn you, derby sex goddess.
It's my fault, really. I usually
make a go for the poop chute.
It was late. I didn't even try.
Or is this good karma?
Depends on me. Me. It was me.
I'm too old to run
out on another kid.
Andy Botwin, glue of the Botwin
family, uncle, brother, mentor.
Father.
Maybe this is another
chance to do it right.
Raise a good kid. Not gay.
Father, father. Actual father.
Birth through whatever,
me and the kid.
Ballgames and science projects.
I should have come on her tits.
Report cards and lectures
and yelling for no real reason.
Failed expectations.
False expectations. Love?
Oh, you'd never know
it. I can't do it. Shit.
Right this way.
Uh...
Hey, guys. What's going on?
Unwanted pregnancy.
You got a horse?
I'm calling my daddy.
What about those Japanese
cards with the weird animals?
Do you like those? I think
we have some of those.
Pokemon. I hate Pokemon.
Okay.
What about a book? No, a movie.
You want to watch a
movie? Let's watch a movie.
I'm telling my dad, and
he's going to hate you.
Kyle.
Hey!
Sit down before I
microwave your Allosaurus!
Okay?
You're into bugs and
dinosaurs and not so into sports,
so I'm thinking you're
pretty smart, right?
And inexplicably mature. Do
you know what "mature" means?
No?
Grownup, able to handle
things, like the truth,
and getting hit with blocks.
Lots of blocks are gonna
come your way in life, Kyle.
Lots.
Especially if you
go on acting like this.
You're gonna grow up, and
people are gonna hate you,
really not like you at all.
Forget girls.
Forget friends.
Sure, some might act
like your friends, but really,
they just want something
from you, money, sex, drugs.
You're an asshole, and it gets
you to the top and guess what?
There's nobody else there. So
you double down and keep working.
And before you know it, any
family you had is long gone, too.
But,
I'm thinking it's not too late
for you to do things differently.
Is this 'cause you
got shot in the head?
Hey.
Kyle, you're gonna play
with Shane for a while, okay?
I owe you one.
Silas? Silas?
Oh, hi, Mom. Just
doing a little cleaning up.
I think I pimped out
both your brothers tonight.
Oh, well, if you're trying
to go for the trifecta, sorry,
'cause I already
pimped myself out.
You're drunk and
dressed like a ninja.
And what... Where
are your plants?
Oh, those? They got stolen
weeks ago. But I had a plan.
All I had to do was
sneak into the house
when nobody was
home and get them back.
Is it technically robbery if you're
stealing stuff that's already yours?
Whose home?
You know, I don't
even know their names.
Well, I mean, there's
Tracy, of course.
She turned 50 today. But
really, they're just strangers.
Never did anything to
me. I just let myself right in.
Oh, but wait. I'm not a
burglar. I'm a burglar stripper.
Wow. Not a single piece of
that made sense. When? What...
You got freaking robbed,
and you didn't say anything.
I was handling it.
God, we gotta stop doing this.
No shit.
But what?
We just throw our
jobs in the wood chipper
and stare at each other all day?
I'm trying, Silas.
Well, good for you.
And what do I do?
What about my work?
It just... It isn't
worth it anymore.
This is what I'm good at.
I mean, maybe not. I
don't know anymore.
No, yes.
The growing, yes. The growing.
It's just the business part of it.
Maybe not your forte.
I'm gonna make coffee.
Please come inside.
I'm gonna finish
cleaning up here.
I think I can get some seeds on
consignment, start a new cycle.
I mean, that or practice my
dance moves. I'm very hot.
Just ask Tracy and her friends.
Go, stripper. Go, stripper.
Go, stripper. Go,
stripper. Go, stripper.
Go, stripper. Go, stripper.
Go, stripper. Go, stripper.
Security! Move!
No, I'm protesting!
Tear gas!
I'm the 99%!
1%! 1%!
I'm 99%! Ahh!
Get a job! Get a job! 1%! 1%!
1%, 1%, 1%, 1%, 1%!
Get a job! Get a job! 1%, 1%!
All right.
You wanted to see me?
Great essay, Botwin.
Thanks. I guess
the topic just...
Great essay, Botwin.
Great essay, Botwin. I sound
like a damn broken record.
How much did Ronchetta
and Bondi pay you?
I don't know what
you're talking about, sir.
And I thought you
were a smart one.
Fork it over, and I'll see
fit to forget all about this.
Can't we work something out?
I mean, this isn't the last
assignment you're gonna give, is it?
Well, you're gonna do just
fine in the NYPD, aren't you?
Nancy! Come on in.
Thank you, thank you, thank
you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Last night was amazing.
It was like a dam breaking.
I'd forgotten Amy could even...
Oh, that's great.
You know, we had
a great time, too.
Hey, Kyle has this bruise.
Well, we were
playing Twister and...
The kid is a klutz.
You were gonna
make a call for me.
Yes, yes. Already made.
You're all set up. I
said you're a perfect fit.
Sociable, attractive,
motivated, good with assholes.
Am I right?
On all counts.
So, this is what your
company makes.
Complete SJ family, head to
toe and everything in between.
Adia?
Asthma.
Brialta? Arthritis.
Celimax? Heart.
Celitrex. Heart.
Diotrex. Bowels.
Flopene. Gas.
Helipram. Asthma.
Livatera. Cholesterol.
Livatrope. Cholesterol.
Livapro. Cholesterol.
Something for
everything. And Maritor.
Maritor's an underperformer.
Frankly, a dud.
Really?
It's synthetic pot. Like
drinking near-beer.
The marijuana pill. Yes.
But when Washington
flips the switch and it's legal,
my department's gonna be ready.
We've got a whole raft of
new products we're working on
with real THC.
Very NG.
NG? Next generation.
We're gonna kill
it. Through the roof.
Oh.
What's up, King Andy?
Ready to hold court?
Why, yes, I am. I decree it so.
Decree me a flagon
of mead and a wench.
This is my castle, bitches...
What's up? I'm just helping Stevie
out here. Stevie? That kid is so quick.
I have to go to the doctor.
I can see you're in the middle
of something very important here,
so I'll let you know
how it turns out.
Let's do this.
Let's have a baby.
What if it's Doug's?
Doesn't matter. A little bit.
Cross that moat later.
The point is I'm
ready. Let's go.
"I'm ready. Let's go?"
What? Should I cross my arms
and wink and wiggle my nose
and then, boom,
nine months later,
"Do you have the
stirrups ready?"
Shush, shush!
I did some thinking. I
did some soul-searching.
Thank you, Kentucky.
You've perfected bourbon,
if nothing else. Okay.
It's been easy,
relatively speaking,
being "Uncle Andy,"
"Brother Andy,"
"Amazing-lover Andy."
"Father Andy," horse
of a different color.
Scary, not just 'cause it sounds
like I joined the priesthood.
Why did it scare me? 'Cause
I've been thinking of it all wrong.
"Father Andy" is
not Andy's father.
See? Andy's father being Lenny,
with all his bullshit,
spiteful Yiddish epithets.
You think he ever
built a castle with me?
These things are awesome. There's
drawbridges and horses and shit.
We should also get the
king's battle chariot set.
Anyway, I can...
No, I want to do these things
with him. Lee Marvin Botwin.
Or her. Lynda Carter Botwin.
Too soon for that? I'm flexible.
We'll call him Little
Ziggy Stardust for now.
Placeholder, unless
you like that one.
Do you know how
much these sets cost?
Well, we could get,
like, China knockoffs,
although that's a
total Lenny move.
Get a job.
Or I could do that.
We developed Prazilax
right here, this very building.
I don't have to tell you what
that did for the enzyme world.
You'll have access to this
whole wing if you're hired.
Gotta show me you got the goods.
Can't justify two new
hires on sleepovers alone.
Won't be a problem.
Sleepovers? Plural?
Amy went shopping at the
Pleasure Palace yesterday.
Holy shit.
I'm getting a
company car, right?
Everyone gets their toys.