Weeds (2005–2012): Season 7, Episode 9 - Cats! Cats! Cats! - full transcript

Previously on Weeds...

Name's Detective Oulette, 25th Precinct.

- Come work for me. Internship.
- Fuck yeah.

- Wait, who are you?
- I'm Emma, from Pouncy House.

- What?
- Pouncy House Party Rentals.

We're the big boy on the block with a stick.
Is that a threat?

- Who's that guy?
- That's Klein, the C.E.O.

Whoever targeted you as an
informant was asleep at the wheel.

I'm sorry -- you're gonna be going
back to that halfway house.

I'll go higher --
C.E.O.

You have access
to the C.E.O.?



I'm glad you asked me out.

I didn't ask you out.

Oh, yes, you did.

Questions to ask him.

Guess it's too late to back out.

I'd say so.

Number-one son
is really putting a damper

on my legit bike biz.

I'm not interested
in being the cover anymore.

That is some really healthy bud.

Smells super-potent.

Tell them who I am.

She's...

The love of her life,



although I almost
had a reason to doubt that,

seeing that little kiss
downstairs.

I-I'm sorry.
You might want to go away.

Because I don't like you,
and I have a bad habit

of losing things I don't like
in fire.

You going somewhere?

You might want to get
some new batteries

for your smoke detector.

Why?

So your lesbian-lover pyro lady

won't burn me up?

Huh?

You really rescued me last night.

You were trying to
give me the slip.

I was trying...

- Yeah.
- ...To let you sleep.

I was trying to thank you,
again, for, um...

A lovely evening...

...by rewarding you
with sleep,

but you're not asleep.

Mm.
You're awake,

and the S.E.C. is
going to indict you for fraud.

What is that?

Is that a --a theory of yours?

The S.E.C. knows your --

knows your fund is a sham,
a Ponzi scheme.

They're gonna come after you.

I wore a wire last night
on our date.

I took it off.
It's gone now.

You wore a wire?

Where is it?

It's gone.

How much time do I have?

I -- uh...

I don't know. Weeks?

Weeks, maybe months.

Still, um, last night

and this morning --
it wasn't bullshit.

I didn't mean --

I think it's time
for you to leave.

Uh, I was trying to let you sleep.

I'm the new boss,
so half is mine.

Give me the money.

Get away from me.
I'm not allowed.

Uh, who are you?

Uh...

Anybody have a toothpick?

I think I got a nerd
lodged in my molar.

I don't need all of it.
Just give me $700.

Enough to buy some clothes,
soup, and a bear.

A bear?

Ow! You're hurting me.

Andy Botwin.

Um, just a heads up.

I think Zoya might be
on her way over there.

- Oh, you think?
- Why do we need a bear?

- For protection.
- Ohh! My face!

See if you can keep her

from destroying the place
until I get there.

Yeah. Sure thing.

She seems so sane
and accountable.

You keep it in a cage.

It guards the drugs.
It's very intimidating.

Uh, we have a safe,
and I studied aikido.

Ha!

- I don't think so.
- Aah!

Please stop doing that.

Just try to keep her
out of the back room, okay?

Give her a toaster.
She can fix toasters.

She loves...toasters.

No! Sorry, Nance.

I'm -- I'm not
a part of this.

In case you forgot,
I run a legitimate operation.

She is not my problem.

She will be.

So you're on your way?

What does that mean?
10 minutes? 5 minutes?

Nance?

- See you in a few.
- Nance? You --

What did you do?

I'm majoring in Criminal Justice.

Keep talking.

The police offered me
an internship.

Oh, Jesus.

I get school credit,

and I work three days a week
at a real precinct.

I get it, okay?
You want my attention.

You want to build me a bedroom?

Send me your puppet reviews?

I get it. W-what do you need?
I'm listening.

Let me be more than your bank.

You keep partnering up
with the wrong son.

I can be your man on the inside.

The cops think I'm one of them.

You want Zoya
to go back to prison?

I know a guy in Narcotics
who can plant evidence.

They're gonna be
on to you eventually.

I'll protect you.

Babe, these are cops.
I'm a drug dealer.

You're a murderer.

We can't all play
on the same kickball team.

I can do this.

I have to get this.
Don't fuck up.

- Hello?
- Miss Botwin.

Oh, hi. I was meaning to call you.

You're gonna have to come down
to our office this afternoon.

We need to talk about last night.

Shit.

I'm still on the line.

Oh, sorry. Um, I'm on my way, okay?

Bye.

Please be careful with the...red part.

I'm going shopping

for some necessities
with my new bike.

Listen, Svetlana.

Not your bike, not your business.

This is the front of the house.
You live in the back.

Separate. Not equal. Not related.

Your business is with Nancy.

I don't make such distinctions.

You're my partner too...
Until you're not.

And then Nancy and I will move
to Burlington, Vermont,

and open a world-class
hotel for dogs.

So just be patient, moya lyubimaya.

That's the dream, huh?

Stupid hubcap.

Copenhagen wheel.
Miracle of science.

Bikes are too heavy.

You want to make real profit,

we need smaller ones
for dwarves and children.

Yes. Dwarf bikes. Of course.

Careful. Careful with that!

Help me take off
your plastic bitch wheel!

Okay, you know what?

Go ahead. Do whatever you want,
'cause we're partners, right?

We're in this together.

Finally you're beginning to understand.

Of course I do.

Of course I do.
Family, partners.

I've always loved Vermont.

And dogs -- oh, my God!
Love dogs.

The three of us together?
Can't miss.

- No.
- What?

- No, no, no, no, no.
- That's not what you meant?

- No.
- No?

- No!
- Woof! Woof!

No. No, no! No!

Jesus.

Close the door.
Have a seat.

How did you...

Have a message for your boss

at Pouncy Bouncy Land
Castle whatever place.

We're not going anywhere.

So you can tell him
to go fuck himself.

That's it? That's your message?
"Go fuck yourself"?

Yeah.

What? You don't like
my message?

I mean, it's fine.

How about,

"If I ever see
your ugly pissant dealers

"loitering around
our bike shop again,

you'll fucking regret it"?

And then, like,
underline "regret it."

Good.
Say it just like that.

Or something el--

That's fine.

You sure?

You hungry?

I could eat.

Not coming to Vermont!
You're not invited!

Why? It's a free country.
I can go anywhere I want.

This is for me and Nancy.

And Andy makes three!

I got great ideas. I do.
For instance --

Whoa!

Why limit ourselves to dogs?
We could take cats, too.

We're not accepting cats.
This is not a place for cats.

We'll house dogs!

Is everything okay out here?

Back inside.
Back inside.

Listen to this pitch.
Ready? Get ready.

Get rid of dogs entirely.
Only take cats.

Shut your fucking face.

We call it "Kat Kennel."
We spell each word --

with a "K."

We'll never spell "cat"
with a "K!"

But you're warming
to the cat idea, though?

You're just jealous
because what Nancy and I have,

you will never have with
anyone -- not man or beast!

Yeah. Is that why she spent the night
at her boss' place last night?

Cats! Cats! Cats!

Yo, Leitzke.

Got to update your computer.

Can you come back?
I'm working.

I got free copies
of Microsoft Word.

Sweet.

Can you just --
just write down your password?

Oh, well...

It's, uh, "policeofficer,"
all lower case.

Got it.

Just give me like 10 minutes.

I'm gonna go grab a coffee.
You want?

Yeah, cool.
Like, with milk.

Coffee, milk. On it.

Hey!

Hi. Thanks for coming
when you said you would.

I'm fine, by the way.

Just a minor, uh --
minor contusion.

What are you looking for?

The wire thing.

The transmitter
the S.E.C. made me wear.

Can't find it.
Need to return it.

Where's Zoya?

Gone.

Ran off into the ether.

Gone?

Mm-hmm.

I might have, uh,
mentioned something

about your slumber party
last night with your bossy-boss.

Great.

The last guy
who made her jealous,

she burned in his sleep.

She burns people?

It's sort of her thing.

Shit. Well, she's -- she's mad.

Shane, have you seen
a-a-a black ninja spybox thing?

You mean your Motorola
low-frequency transmitter?

- Yes.
- No.

But I stole this
from the police department.

Well, that was fast.

That's your competition.

The way they operate,
who they are, what they sell.

And their weak spots.

How'd you get that?

I walked in and printed it out.

He's good.

So, does this mean
they're gonna get busted?

Uh, maybe.
Probably not anytime soon.

But for now, you're at
an insane competitive advantage.

Right?

Well, it's something.

Is that it?

Your transmitter, over there,

underneath the clothes
you threw off last night?

While you were
changing into a hussy?

I don't know
what I'd do without you.

Um, Zoya needs to go, Nance.

She's a plague
on both our houses.

I'll take care of it.

How?

I don't know, but I told you
I'll take care of it.

Look, Shane.
Your mom's making promises.

I get it.
You didn't mean to do this.

J-just stop talking.

I was gonna tell you, you should
probably leave town now.

Yeah?

Well, plan "A"
was live and prosper.

Plan "C" -- disappear.

I used to have
a plan "C."

Then plan "C"
turned back into plan "A."

Buckets of cash, tropical island.

You want to come with me?

Okay.

Come on.

I'm serious.

I can't just pack up and go.

I have people who need things.

Child people.

You're a secretary/drug dealer
with two grown-up kids.

Come on.

Train's leaving.
Come on.

You're taking a train
to an island?

Must be a magic island.

It is.

It's a magical island.

We slept together one time.

We ate skink.
I ruined your life.

What do you want with me?

I don't know.

I like you.

And it's, uh...lonely out there.

Hmm?

I don't have a swimsuit.

Okay.

You need a townhouse?

What?

Townhouse.

It's gonna take the feds
five years

to figure out this mess.

It's paid for.

It'll look good on your
custody battle. Take it.

What island?

Excuse me?

What's the name of the island
where you're gonna be?

Come on.
Give me a hint.

Can't tell you that.

It's, uh...
Starts with a...

"B."

Um, uh, Bermuda!

Barbados.

So, how long you been
selling party favors?

Please, let's not talk
about work. I'm sick of work.

You don't like your job?

Low pay. Sketchy boss.

Now he makes trance music
on his laptop,

and he's an ass-grabber.

I've actually
been thinking of quitting.

Then come deal for us.

Wow.

You really think
I could be a male model?

We'll pay you better.

I don't date dealers.

That came out of nowhere.

Did it?

Legitimate job offer.

I'm not a dealer.

I'm management.

I don't know. You guys seem
really big and corporate.

I -- I wouldn't want to
get lost in the shuffle.

Just me and Nancy.

Who's Nancy?

My mom.

You don't.

You...

You run this thing with your mom?

Ha.
That's adorable.

It's just you and your mom...

Named Nancy.

Don't laugh.
She's a...professional.

You guys grow your own stuff?

No.

But our strains are exclusive.
I created one myself.

Hot.

What's it called?

MILF.

As in "mother I'd like to fuck"?

This just got weird.

Come on. Join the team.
It'll be fun.

All right.

Make me an offer.

Let's recap, shall we?

Your date
with Mr. Big Shot

produces nothing but
a gaping hole in my chest

where my career used to be!

And you turn out to be
a narcotics dealer,

thereby assassinating your
credibility as a future witness.

And for the extra two points,

your psycho lesbian
ex-con ex

threatens to burn to death
the key suspect

who holds
this entire case together!

There's a paper trail.

I can dig.
Let me dig.

Dig yourself a hole to China.

You're going back in the system.

You promised me
no more halfway house.

Fuck halfway house.

I'm calling my friends
at the D.E.A.

So get yourself a lawyer.
A good one.

And I'll need
our equipment back, please.

I lost it.

What do you mean, you lost it?

I looked.
I couldn't find it.

Well, that'll be 90 bucks.

You're serious?

I'm not paying for it.

Do you have, um, change?

Here's $100.

I do not.

And where's the ugly scarf?

I forgot.
I left it at home.

Oh, great.

Jolene spent a year
knitting that thing.

I know.

Please!
Don't call the D.E.A.!

I'll, uh --
I'll add to the scarf!

I'll add fringe! I --

Bring him in.

I'm not telling you pigs shit.

Doug?

Nancy.
They got you, too, huh?

Have a seat,
Mr. Wilson.

Jesus Christ.

We know you been cooking
the books for Klein's fund.

So one of you
better start talking,

or you're both going down,

because we do not fuck around
at the S.E.C.

S.E.C.?
I've heard of you guys.

Oh, yeah?
I should fucking hope so.

Yeah, you guys have
those federal pension plans

tied in with our mainstay fund.

What's he talking about?

What are you talking about?

Burnt orange.

I see numbers as color.
I'll explain later.

Five years ago, Uncle Sam

bet your retirement plans
on our good judgment.

It's all right here in the files.

If we go down, you go down.
That's right, meatball.

Not only are you gonna let the two
of us off the hook right here,

but you're gonna give
your bosses in D.C. a ring

to make sure that our firm's
road to success

is paved with the feds' good
graces, plenty of deregulations,

and a laissez-faire sense of
letting us do our goddamn jobs.

What's the matter,
Agent Scary Lips?

Your scary lips
tastin' my hairy shit?

You tastin' Doug Wilson's
world-famous beef stew?

How's it going down?
It's kind of spicy, right?

Whew.

Oh, shit.

You guys
are so fucked right now.

All I can think about
is your wife and a horse.

Go ahead. Take us down.

Watch our shares plummet

if you want to retire
with your dick in our ass,

but it's a whole lot sunnier
in Florida.

Doug Wilson.
Jesus Christ.

Okay.

We're gonna need a second
to talk about this.

No way. I'm free to go.
Same goes for her.

And, um, uh, no halfway house.

No parole.

No calling your friends
at the D.E.A.

He doesn't have any friends
at the D.E.A.,

do you, Melnick?

Do you, Melnick?

No. I don't have
any friends at the D.E.A.

And I'm gonna need that tape
back, from last night.

That's federal property.

It's leverage against me,
and I want it.

That's it?
That's all of it?

Yeah.

Any chance I could buy an eighth?

I'm gonna need to smoke up.

You got it.

That'll be 90 bucks.

Fuck my life.

You have a nice day, now.

You're really good
at burning shit down.

In prison, were you and her like,

"Hey.

"I'm an arsonist.
You're an arsonist.

Let's get together
and be lesbians"?

Just watch it burn.

Granite countertops,
double vanity sinks...

Don't talk. Just watch.

You made the right choice.

No fire. Zero fire.
No way.

I-I wore a wire last night
for the S.E.C.

What does it mean?

They have tape.

They'll --
they'll pin it on you.

Tape?

Last night?

No!

I was joking.

"I lose things I don't like
in fire."

It's funny. You laughed.

Shit.
They'll get me on arson.

And he's missing,
so, attempted murder, maybe.

They'll send me back in.

Most likely.

Shit!
I got to leave.

I got to go.

Are there trains still running?

Burlington via Springfield.
Leaves in two hours.

Nancitchka,
always thinking ahead.

I'm thinking of us,
of the Weimaraners.

Come with me.

You know I can't now, but soon.

You'd better.
I know how you push people away.

No, I don't.

Hmm.
It's sort of your thing.

Do you have cash?

Uh -- uh --
I took from Demetri.

Nancitchka, promise me something.

Anything.

Your brother-in-law,
Andy --

he stays here.

He never comes to Vermont.

Promise.

Thank you.

Zoychka.

You wanted to see me?
It's late.

You got somewhere else
you got to be?

No.

Great. Sit down.

I think it's time
you made your first real arrest.

Yeah? Cool.

Yeah.

And you know
what can get someone arrested?

Pirating software
can get someone arrested.

Oh. Really?

No.

Fuck no.

I mean, how you gonna
steal something

off a fucking computer,
anyhow, right?

It's just ones and zeros.

You can't exactly
walk off with that shit.

Right?

Right.

I mean, unless you print it out.

Then you could walk off with it.

Right, Botwin?

Uh-huh.

I trusted you.

Put those on.

You'd get 25% commission
on all sales,

which is 15% more
than Pouncy forks over.

In addition to your old routes,
you're covering

Morningside Heights
west of the park,

which is on another map.

And that's Alex.
He controls the brain.

A call comes in,
Alex takes a code,

the code goes into the brain,
where it becomes

a human, an address,
and then a sale.

You get a new client, you give it
to Alex, it goes in the brain.

We do not drink liquids
near the brain.

Any questions?

How have we not met before?

It's good to have you home
again, Nance.

What's going on out there?

Silas brought a girl home.

- Oh. Is she cute?
- Yeah.

Well...

Good for him.

He deserves it.

Good morning, mom.

Hey.

Uh, where's your brother?

He didn't come home last night.
He's not answering his phone.

Hello?

What the hell is this?

Silas?

Silas!

The computer. No.

We should have bought that bear.