Weeds (2005–2012): Season 7, Episode 7 - Vehement vs. Vigorous - full transcript

Previously on Weeds.

Heylia. I am coming out.

Give me Silas. What?

He helps harvest the current
crop. Then I'll supply you.

Make a plan for both of us.

I was hoping we
could make a trade.

You were hoping
or Zoya was hoping?

No, I am here as a free agent.

Free agent?

Don't get mad at me. Zoya's
the one who stole your shit.

You're gonna give
me weed for grenades.



You remind me of her.

Who? Your sister.

You've been here 48 hours and
already you've tested positive for drugs,

and our dear, dim Counselor Ed
barely gave you a slap on the wrist.

The man is a drunk
and should be fired!

Softball season
starts in a week.

I'm guessing that's the only
reason they hired me here.

I got steroids.

Who's that guy?

That's Klein, the C.E.O.

Gentlemen, allow me to
introduce the Copenhagen Wheel.

A revolutionary accessory
that turns your bicycle

into an electric hybrid.

I was just hoping,
that maybe you would



consider taking
me on as a client.

Excuse me, Detective?

Are you taking
this class because

The Films of Nic
Cage was all filled up?

No, I'm totally into it.

There are two
ways to go in our biz.

The first is, you follow
every bullshit subsection

in the SEC rulebook.

The second way, you
use your common sense.

So, we're cooking the books?

It's all good.
Asses are covered.

Dicks are out, but
asses are covered.

You got that right, brother.

Oh...

And in Akron, I almost got
pulled over by this motorcycle cop.

Wait. You're talking a hundred
miles a minute. Where are you?

Here. New York. It doesn't
matter. Listen. Nance.

Mom.

I have these ideas I
want to talk to you about.

Big ideas.

Wait. First. Did
you get the, um...

Thirty pounds. Vacuum-sealed.

You're welcome by the way.

What was that?

Muffler, probably. Heylia lent me
this van with leopard print seats.

Silas. I told you
to rent a U-Haul.

Not indebt yourself to Heylia.

Relax. I'll return it when I go back for
more. Which we also need to discuss.

Silas, I am on my way to
a company softball game.

Nancy Botwin.

Thorn in my goddamn side.

And I could really, really use some
more... That's right. Don't mind me.

Face cream. All the players...

Just keep talking on
that illegal cell phone.

Love my fresh face. Ignore the
words coming out of my mouth.

Okay, where should I meet you?

Yes. Visit your uncle. His
new bike parallelogram.

Fine.

Okay. Love you.

And where the hell do
you think you're going?

Company softball game.

Saturday is chores day.

Toilet scrubbing day.

It's a job requirement.

I don't give a
shit, to be honest.

Uh, excuse me?

Fifteen years of service I've
given to this fine institution.

Fifteen years during which I have
performed my duties without reproach.

Then Shelby,

turquoise-wearing,
tomahawk-wielding she-warrior,

ups and hands me
my two-week notice.

What happened? Was it the...

You think you're
charming, don't you?

Well, let me lay this
on you nice and clear.

I have two weeks
to get my job back.

Two weeks during which I'm going
to stay on you like butter on toast.

No more coming in
late, sweet-talking,

waltzing in and out
like you own the place.

From now on, Botwin,
your ass is mine.

This is a letter from my boss.

Douglas Wilson.
All very official.

I'm sorry about you
and Shelby by the way.

We'll talk later.
I'm late for work.

Right.

Jane Jacobs once
said, and I paraphrase,

"It's not TV or drugs
that's killing America,

"it's the automobile."
She also said...

Which means something in
German. My point is community.

We have to stick together,
people, fellow business leaders.

See, I'm not just
interested in opening

a neighborhood
bike shop that sells

maybe the coolest
technological invention

since the Japanese
self-cleaning toilet.

I'm interested in camaraderie.

Local kinship.

I'd like to talk
about the filthy,

treacherous alley
behind this building.

Yes. Yes! And we could
talk about cross promotion.

For example, maybe the delivery
guys at Yu's Happy China Taco

could use the Copenhagen
Wheel on their bikes.

And in exchange,
I could distribute

Chexican take-out menus. Mr. Yu?

Andy.

Hold that thought.
This is all good.

This is all good.

What the fuck?

Well, you know, I
expected a bigger turnout,

but a lot of passion
in this group.

Chip over there, Hudson River
keeper, huge bike advocate.

Also, key member of Manhattan
Community Board 12. That's us. Twelve.

Community Board? This is
a cover business. Low profile.

Well, technically, you don't have
any business yet for me to cover.

Andy, all these people need to
disappear. And what is Shane doing here?

Something about Paulie
in Goodfellas. "My money..."

What happened to college?

I'm checking in
on my investment.

Loan. Andy is paying you back.
You're paying the bank back.

And it's banks. Multiple.

Go. Learn.

Silas is waiting for you.
He looks kinda crazy.

Hey!

Check it out.

There's demand all over
the city, which is good.

Silas.

But also, difficult

because I realized we
have no messengers.

Silas. What?

Can you not yell? I
haven't slept much.

Where's the supply?

By the way, you were
supposed to bring it with you.

I put it somewhere.

Okay. Where?

I'm sorry, are you
hiding my weed from me?

I created it. I harvested it.

I transported it all the way across
the country. You mean my weed?

I can't believe this.

Hear me out, okay?

We need to slow down and come
up with a proper business plan.

We have a plan. It's called
sell drugs, make money.

I think we need to be
more like a pyramid.

We're all at the top, right?
We hire people at the bottom.

We're not a pyramid.

Heylia says you have
to insulate yourself.

Heylia lives in the
middle of a pygmy

tree forest with Dean
Hodes and a shotgun,

so I'd really rather
not take her advice.

You know, I don't
know why you hate her.

I don't hate her.

I can't do this, right now. I have a
son I'd really like to get custody of.

I have a halfway house I'd
really like to get the fuck out of.

I need money flowing now.

Well, good luck with that.

Silas.

Today's game, Wall Street bankers.
Lots of high-paying customers.

Long-term potential.

It must fit into your plan
somewhere. Let's not lose sight of that.

Here.

That's not even half a pound.

It's enough. I've already
broken it down for you. See?

Planning ahead.

Why don't you get some
sleep? You look exhausted.

I can't. I have a meeting for
potential messengers later.

Well, at least comb your hair.

Rocketman sent me,
says you're the new Denny.

Open five days a week. No
middleman. Just stop by my desk.

Place your order. Voila.

Ask for MILF the next time
you want some, and you will.

No garden-variety hydroponic.

Sweet.

Hey. Aren't you the wheel guy?

Yup. I'm a man of many talents.

Once upon a time, you sold
dime bags at local sporting events.

But now! Oh,
wait. You're selling

dime bags at local
sporting events.

A somewhat circular
journey, no? Spiral?

That's out of here!

Silas wants to grow too big.

He's ambitious.

He's cocky. Both of you.

How am I cocky? I'm an
unwilling sidekick out here.

You need to scale down
on your bike operations.

It's fine for foot traffic,

but I can't have members of local
government hanging out in there.

Yeah, I doubt there'll
be much hanging

since you told everyone we
were infested with bedbugs.

Now I have to have a
whole fake fumigation.

I just want to run a
friendly neighborhood joint.

It's a problem.

Yeah, for you, not me.

Yeah! Way to go, big guy!

Hey, are you okay, Doug? Yeah.

I think my kidney just
failed, but other than that...

Yeah. What's wrong
with your kidney?

He's on steroids. Looking
great out there, though.

Bullshit. My back
is covered in bacne.

My balls are the
size of chickpeas.

Are you wearing a sports bra?

No.

Who's Kulakoff?

Just the last accountant.

He left me with a desk
full of undated receipts,

soy sauce packets,
and fingernail clippings.

Dude. What? You
taking a break? Nice guy.

Come on. It's time for the
Rocket to blast off again. Come on.

Let's do it. All right,
I'm coming. I'm coming.

Shit. Watch the bag, okay?

Hey, batter, batter, batter!

Why are we meeting
in a parking lot?

Hey, hop in, Botwin.

Time to get your cherry popped.

I thought there would
be more people. No way.

This is deep-underground
male-model shit.

Special invite only,
hyper-exclusive.

Silas Guinard, welcome to
Saturday Afternoon Throw-Down.

Otherwise known as Ken dolls

sissy-slapping each
other for self-validation.

I thought you
disappeared, by the way.

Headed back to Copenhagen or
whatever snowy cave you crawled out of.

Nope, still here. So most of
these guys are out of work, right?

Like your B and C list guys?

My A-listers would
not risk their shot

at Prada's fall
campaign for this.

Although a few of them did box

when Viktor & Rolf toyed
with a rough trade campaign.

Okay. Just spit it out already.

Spit what out? The
reason you called.

I'm starting a business.

You? Silas Earnest Guinard?

It's a delivery service. I need
messengers, good-looking messengers.

For?

Face cream.

It's this really expensive
herbal face cream from India.

FDA hasn't
approved it yet. Right.

So, this has nothing
to do with the fact

that you've been promising
weed to half my clients?

Please. I hear everything.

I need contacts, names.
Dealers, grunt boys.

I will give you a cut plus
10% of all future purchases.

I'll help you, under
one wee, little condition.

What's your condition?

Have you ever boxed before?

See that smug man over there?

CEO of Vigorous Credit.

On Wednesday
afternoon, I'm gonna buy

his entire
international portfolio.

I'm a drug dealer.

You're a what?

I figured as long
as we're sharing.

Weed, not crack.

That's why I was making the
fliers. I was outing the competition.

Not because I'm some
sort of uptight crusader bitch.

Interesting.

Yet incriminating.

Why shouldn't I just fire you?

Well, that's no fun.

Do you know what third base is?

Yeah, it's under
your... Into the...

Or it's in your
pants. I don't know.

I know first base is
kissing. Oh, very good.

No, we have a girl quota,
and Mary here is seeing stars.

So, here you go. I am
not gonna get disqualified.

No, no, no. I don't play.

I'm... I'm more of a black
T-shirt, benchwarmer kind of girl.

I hated the jocks in
high school. I still do.

Get over it. Take
one for the team,

or I'll have you
arrested, drug dealer.

God.

Third base.

Yo. I got icing in my grille?

So, they give you blowjobs in
exchange for not arresting them?

Pretty sure that's
called extortion.

Hey, slow down, Cotton
Mather. This isn't what it looks like.

Right. Where have
I heard that before?

Bill Clinton,
Berlusconi, Eliot Spitzer.

Hey, don't trash Eliot Spitzer.

He was a fucking great governor.

It's cool. He's corrupt. You're
corrupt. Everyone's corrupt.

Hey, Botwin, would
you shut it already?

Jesus, you're so fucking
world-weary for an 18-year-old.

Moral gray areas, learn to
accept them. Swim in them.

I swim in moral
gray areas. Trust me.

Oh, yeah? COTE DU
RHONE: Yo, Mitch,

how come Veuve Clicquot got
double what we got for snitching?

What are you talking about?

She say she got $60 last week
for a relevant piece of information.

Well, maybe if you got
me better information...

Well, maybe if we
got better cupcakes.

Magnolia and shit, the
red velvet ones they got.

So they're informants.

Lesson number one
in police work, people.

Knowing people,
understanding people.

Gray areas, my friend.

You want a quickie?
It's good with braces.

Give it texture.

No, thanks.

Uh... Rocketman sent me.

What? Oh, no, sorry.
Wrong person. Go away.

Whoa, there, Steady
Eddie. You're in a public park.

Rough day? Fired.

This morning.

But you're such an effectively
imposing authority figure.

That rape speech you gave me?

I got two weeks to prove I'm not

some incompetent,
lily-livered lush.

Was it Nancy? Nancy
get you in trouble?

Not if I can help it.

I'm gonna find this
Douglas Wilson character,

ask him a few questions.

Figure out what the hell kind of

sneak-around flim-flam
is going on here.

Doug? Yeah.

You know him? Nope.

I think it might be a
code name for something.

Hmm. You want?

Yeah, sure. Why not?

We're at a crossroads, Ed.

Two men, alone,
together in a yellow wood.

Amen, brother.

Sure, we could close up shop,

throw in the towel, kowtow to
forces larger than ourselves.

Nancy-shaped forces.

Yeah.

Or we could take a stand for
what we believe in, in my case,

clean non-fuel
alternatives. In yours...

I'm not exactly sure. Either
way, it's time to make a choice.

Legitimacy or
illegitimacy, self or...

You're right, Ed.

I didn't say anything.

Go easy on Nancy.

Come on. Jessie Cole Wheaton!

Keep your distance!
Out of the corner!

Time out, ref!

All right, all
right. Break it up.

What? It's great that you
have a natural inclination

to defend yourself,
but I need you to lose.

Are you kidding me?

I have multiple bets on
sequined spazoid over there.

I'm not gonna throw a fight.

This isn't Tyson
versus Holyfield.

It's theatrical hijinks.

Take this hit for us, Guinard, and
I'll have 10 pretty little model boys

lined up for you
within the hour.

Fifteen. Deal.

All right, let's
go, boys. Fight!

Taking orders from a girl.

No.

No, it's cool. I get it.
She's your sugar mama.

Mama's boy.

This isn't real.

What? Did I win?

Couldn't stay away, could you?

I'm coaching.

Well, I don't need coaching.

I know baseball. Bases,
dugouts, bubble gum.

Your mitt is on the wrong hand.

Yeah? I'm ambidextrious. Isn't
that the word? Both hands? See?

Go, go, go!

Stupid piece of
shit! You're out.

You motherfucking
stupid... Come on! Come on!

Think you're man
enough? Come on!

Fucker! Let's just cut the
potential bullshit, okay?

I could easily hire
a private detective.

I've done it before,
found out my old man

was shtupping a
Polish cleaning lady,

but I'd rather not.

And I don't really care
about your weedy drug thing,

but what I am curious about

is why all of a sudden
you're working at my firm.

Your firm? Wow.

Possessive. I built it
from the ground up.

Self-made man. Very romantic.
Let's not talk about work.

What do you want to talk about?

Are you married?

Divorced, two kids.
Mess. You? Husband?

Three, all dead.

All dead?

Arsenic.

Kidding, about the
arsenic. Three kids.

What's your favorite board game?
Candy Land. Sweet tooth. You?

Risk.

I like you.

What? What happened?

Game's over.

Oh. Who won?

I'm not sure.

Rocketman!

See you next year!

So, you're saying
multiple student loans?

Do you have an
international background?

Well, my dad, he's from Detroit,
but my mom's from Trinidad.

That's perfect.

Yo, Mitch, I quit.

What are you talking
about? What's going on?

You know about this
shit? Student loans?

Fuck hooking. I'm
going to college.

You just cost me my best
contact in the East Bronx.

She has a dream.
Don't hold her back.

That's how you're paying
for school, loan scams?

Student loans are already a
scam, impossible interest rates,

exponential debt, easy access.

It's a bubble.
I'm in it till it pops.

Moral gray areas.

You're pretty smart.

You know how to work the system.

If I don't snatch you
up now, you might

wind up playing
for the other side.

Hell, you might wind
up running the other side.

So...

Come work for me. Internship.

I'll figure out the details,

make sure you get class
credit. What do you say?

Fuck yeah.

Sorry.

Don't apologize.

You were amazing.

I basically had an
orgasm watching.

What about our deal?

I think I can make an exception.

Fuck!

Dougie! Dougie, Dougie,
buddy! What's going on, man?

We got to go shake some hands.

Fucking trashcan!

Fucking metal piece of
shit! Fucking receptacle!

And you! You with your
butt-kissing nicknames!

What are you talking about? You
love it when I call you Rocketman.

It's Doug Wilson! Not Rocketman,

like some vomitous
Elton John song.

Not buddy or Dougie or Dougster.

It's Doug Wilson!

You're the Rocket.

Douglas Wilson?

See? Is that so hard?

Marvin. What are you doing here?

Are you still dealing
weed with Nancy?

Hey, you say hi
to U-Turn for me!

Yes! Yes, I'm on the 'roids!

Fucking trashcan, motherfucker!

Andy, where's my
bag? Call me. Bye.

Where the hell is she?

I don't know who you are or why
you're stalking me, but I'm clean.

I'll pee in a cup right now.

I'm staying out of trouble. You
can talk to my boss, Douglas Wilson.

Kulakoff's replacement.

What are you? DEA? FBI?

SEC.

Miss Botwin, a former member
of the accounting department

reported illegal
activity at your firm.

Ponzi scheme.

Fled the country,
couldn't take the heat.

We know you're currently living

in a halfway house. You like it?

No, I don't. I'd like to get out.
Very angry people in there.

As a secretary, you have
access to certain information, yes?

Are you suggesting a deal?

We need files, primary
documents, proof, if you will.

You scratch our backs, etcetera.

You need time to
consider? Uh, no.

Excuse me.

This woman is
under my authority.

Not anymore. - Yeah. Look...

Please come with
me, sir. Step over here.

You have no idea what a
good day this is turning out to be!

God. God, that felt good.

Being back in the game, dealing,
making moves, catching balls.

Is that what it feels
like to be in the Army?

That, like, rush of adrenaline?

You just want to rip
your clothes off and...

Hey. Hey! Somebody's
no fun today.

Zoya!

Hello, lover.