Weeds (2005–2012): Season 7, Episode 6 - Object Impermanence - full transcript

Previously on Weeds...

I think I'm your son.

Mother of shit.

I want to take your class.

Welcome
to Applied Criminal Justice.

Where am I going?
Custody hearing.

Stevie's gonna be there.

I want to see my son.
Let me in, Scott.

Don't touch the gate,
Scott.

It sucks. I get it.

So you'll back me?
Sorry.



Went through
six or seven variations

before I came up with that one.

Is that right?

That's that mother-fucking
MILF weed.

Tell me you have good news
about our weed supply.

Jill has scheduled
a custody hearing.

I need you to come
and be a character witness.

Maybe we should've called first.

They grow weed.
We have money. It'll be fine.

I hope you're right.

Hell no.

Maybe we should run.
Don't be silly.

Heylia, you psycho!

Peek out.



You peek out.

Be the man.

Be the mom.

Heylia, I'm coming out.
Please don't shoot.

Yee-haw!

Glad we took
the extended coverage.

I guess she does hold a grudge.

You want the sheriff out here?!

You did not just take the gun
away from the black woman.

What are you shooting at?

The fuck?

Hi, Dean.

Nancy?

Celia isn't with you, is she?!

No.

It's my own damn fault.

Should have dropped you
first time

you drove your narrow ass
down the 110.

The shit your shit's blown
all over my shit!

I paid for my shit --
in full!

She went to prison.

Any girl-on-girl
action?

I just want to talk.

We. We want to talk.

Fuck a talk --
you in Humboldt now,

where property laws say
I can defend my land

against any and all aggressors,
trespassers,

and interlopin'
nightmare bitches from the past.

No offense, chicken, but come on.

We just want pot.
We have money.

I don't care if you got a goose
that shits gold nuggets.

How you even find out
where I live?

In Copenhagen,
I found Conrad on Facebook.

He only had nine friends.

Yeah, is -- is he here?

None of your fuckin' business.

Why are you here?

It's a long story.
No, it ain't.

It's kind of long.

Shut the fuck up!

Where the hell are we?

Oh, you in Heylia James'
neighborhood.

You didn't want to be in a polyamorous
relationship, anyway --

Not with dying old cancer guy.

Yeah, it wasn't a poly...

Okay, Charles may have
cupped my ass once.

And you don't want
to be tied down in N.Y.C.,

fuck center of the universe.

I got bigger things on my mind.

Charles told me
to put my balls out there.

Well, here.
Here's my balls.

The goofy electric-bike thing
you sold in Denmark?

Uh, not only is
the Copenhagen wheel not goofy,

selling it might be

the only legitimate good idea
I've ever had in my life.

Am I right, Shane?

I'm not bankrolling your
goofy electric-bike thing, Andy.

Jerns gave me exclusive rights
to New York.

I have experience.
I even found a space.

I just need an initial influx
of $80,000 --

No.

Come on. Give me
some of your fake college loans.

No.

Give me some money!

Shane. Give me money.

Money. Money.

Give me some money, Shane.
Money. Money.

Shane, quit being
a selfish prick!

Give me some money.

I'm sorry that I called you
"selfish" just then.

No.

Fuck you!

This is a low.

Well, the hedge fund
dabbles in V.C.

They're always looking
for some new bullshit companies

to add to the house of cards.

Seriously?
Yeah. Come pitch to the guys.

I'll make whit squeeze you in.
That dude worships me.

I got to tell you,
it's really refreshing.

Doug, thanks!

Fucker!

That's amazing.
Thanks.

Oh, yeah.

Slow down.

I'm on my chores.

You just someone following
someone for no damn good reason.

Don't you want to know
why I was in prison?

Involuntary dumbassery,

first-degree stepping-in-shit-
you-can't-handle.

Where's Conrad?

Once a month, he drives down
to L.A. to sell to the clubs.

You know what I thought
when you pulled up?

Thought some 5-year-old
half-cocoa child

was gonna step out the car
and start calling me "grandma."

That's funny.

You were always funny.
I missed you.

Levan used to have
this stuffed penguin.

He'd lose it.

Howl like the sky
had just been snuffed out.

But then
he'd see something else --

dog, my earrings,
whatever --

and just like that, he'd forget

the universe ever knew
a thing called a penguin.

Am I Levan in this story?

It's called object impermanence.

And $1,000 say
my black ass crossed your mind

maybe twice this whole time.

That's not true.

I-I'm obsessed
with your black ass.

Haven't thought
of anything else for years.

Wow.

Stop!

Whole place
booby-trapped.

Six ways to Jesus.

Follow me -- exactly.

Heylia...

I know.

And ain't a goddamn leaf of it
for you.

Fungus gnats.
They're attracted to the pot.

I can't believe
you're up here with Heylia.

Are y-you guys,
like, together?

Couple of months ago,

she had a probate issue
and had Conrad call me.

I came up.
I never left.

Lot of work for a pot lawyer
up here.

She lets me crash
in exchange for legal help,

but we're just friends.

Come on.

You were pulling up your pants
when you came out.

I was taking a dump.

She doesn't usually let me use
the inside toilet.

But she was in a good mood.
Thanks for fucking that up.

This weed is so familiar.

How many crops
does she have in rotation?

What's the irrigation?

I don't know. Heylia doesn't
let me up to the fields.

Look at you, huh?
24?

Oh, so jealous.

Can I drink your blood?

Just, like, a shot.
Please?

No.

Living in New York, huh?

I haven't been out much yet,

but in Denmark,
things got pretty wild.

Oh, Danish girls.

Yeah.
I dated a couple.

A couple?

When I was your age,

I was sleeping
with everything that moved.

First girl I ever slept with
gave me crabs.

You ever have crabs?
Ew. No.

By the time I was 30,
I had had crabs, syphilis,

gonorrhea twice,
chlamydia three times,

lymphogranuloma venereum
in my urethra, penile scabies...

And a recurring bout
of bacterial chancroids.

One time, my frenulum got caught
on this Thai chick's braces.

We had to have a street dentist
in Bangkok separate us.

I just shared a bong with you.

You got to revel
in your youth, Silas.

Get crabs every once in a while.
Stop being such a pussy.

I'm focused on getting
our pot business back up.

You know what?
Never mind.

I don't want to drink
your blood. It's pussy blood.

Look who's talking.

"Heylia won't let me
into the fields."

"Heylia won't let me
shit indoors."

Pussy.

Ow.

Bug on your face.

No bug.
Just your face.

You need to nut up.

You're right.

You're right.

Fuck this.

I am going to explore.

These plants are beautiful.

Why do you think the whole place

rigged like
an Indiana Jones movie?

The hydro.

Like a CD --
flawless.

But something dead about it.

This shit is Sam Cooke on vinyl.

This shit is alive.

You've changed.

Unh-unh.

Learned.

No one changes.

Well, Dean.

Step light now, snowflake.

No, I...I get it.

Time marches.
Choices narrow.

You get...lonely.

Shit.

Being lonely's just something

invented by people
ain't got enough work to do.

Sell to me.

No.

Would you rather I ask Conrad?

Damn, memento.

Conrad -- I told you.
He's --

Conrad left six months ago.

He told Silas.

Conrad's gone.

So?

He taught me.
I got the last crop packaged.

This one's ready to harvest.

Have to hire a bunch
of stink-ass hippies to help,

but I'll manage --
always do.

Look, I'm sorry you're alone.

Don't you feel sorry for me.

Especially when
this shit's your fault.

My fault?

My kitchen table was full
every night -- every night --

'fore you wandered into my life.

Meanwhile,
you out of prison one day,

and your whole family
come running.

I...didn't ask them to.

Then walk away.
Let 'em go.

Your story don't end well,

and if they don't know that
by now,

they as stupid as you are.

Fuck you, Heylia.

On my property, on my time --
fuck me?

Fuck you!

It's not that simple
just to walk away.

Walking away is simple
as sugar cookies, baby.

Watch.

Heylia?

Shit.

Heylia?

Heylia?

We're supposed to have
a guest speaker,

but he seems to be late.

Any questions from last week?

How accurate is "The Wire"?

Here.
Sit down, you shithead.

And stay there, or I'll punch you

right in your ugly fuckin' face!

All right, all right.
Damn, man.

I'm sorry, Professor.

I was driving here,

and I saw this scumbag I like
for a rape in Morningside Park.

But he won't be a problem,
or I'll shoot him in the kidney.

Right, Fuckstain?!

Yeah. Yeah.

Name's Detective Ouellette.

25th Precinct.

I am a pawn
for political elections.

I'm a flash point
for citizen anger.

But I'm also the mug
who tries to figure out

who beat up your best friend,
who raped your sister.

And how do I do that?

I pay attention to details.

Ethics question --

How is it that
we're not all amoral lunatics,

taking or fucking
whatever we want?

Religion?

Failed.

Parenting?

It's extinct.

It's because of this.

The New York penal law book.

And this.

A 9-millimeter Sig P226.

Have you seen "The Wire"?

Fuck you.

All right, I'm gonna outline
a couple of cases here

that are very recent.

Why are you bullshitting us?

To what bullshit
would you be referring?

Yo, get the fuck off me!
What --

He's not a rape suspect.

Or you don't believe
in patting down your perps.

Told you it was a stupid bit, O.

You ruined my gag, kid.

I was gonna have him
bolt for the door

and see how many of you had
the balls enough to stop him.

This scumbag
is actually my partner,

Detective Tyson Betz.

Meet --
uh, what's your name?

Shane Botwin.

The only kid in here who's
paying attention to details.

Congratulations.

I'm gonna go smoke.

Get out of
these stupid-ass clothes.

Nice job, Botwin.

Now sit down and shut up.

Three cases.
Let's see what we got.

Heylia?

Heylia?

Get your ass off my counter.
This ain't "Family Ties."

Why did Conrad leave?

Fool met
this little Chinese girl --

Econ, PhD.

Asians and their numbers.

To go on and run down to L.A.,
sell to the clubs.

Spent the whole time telling him
he deserved a bigger cut.

Came home,
said, "I want more."

I told him, "A," "Fuck you,"

and "B,"
"You best stop seeing her."

Two days later, he's gone.

I know
what you're growing, Heylia.

It's MILF.

You're growing MILF.

I thought it was lost forever.

Didn't your little fancy
private school

tell you nothing gets lost?

Just shows up
in a different form.

Maybe with a new hair color.

Or maybe trying to steal from me.

In other words,

give me the fucking seeds
you took out of that drawer.

This is my strain.

Bitch, Conrad invented MILF

when you were still selling
dime bags for your mommy.

Out of your goddamn mind,
trying to steal from me.

Fine.

But we created MILF 2.0
together.

Just because
you drove Conrad away

doesn't mean it's yours now.

How old are you?

24.

Okay.

So Nancy's still got
a good 10 years

of you following her around,
slinging her dime bags.

We're partners.

Oh, Conrad used to say that, too.

It's pretty big of you
to work for her

after finding out
your daddy ain't your daddy.

Oh, Conrad's a gossip.

That's none of your business.

Boy, don't you slam my door.

Well, thanks
for letting me come --

Just begin? Okay.

Gentlemen, allow me to introduce
the Copenhagen wheel,

a revolutionary accessory
that turns your bicycle

into an electric hybrid,

storing the energy
you expend pedaling

to give you a boost
when you need it.

How about -- how about I, uh,
show a sales video?

Keep in mind, I made this for a slightly
different audience, so...

Oh.

Good day.

I'm local micro-celebrity
and Danmarks

Nationalsocialistiske
Bevaegelse mayoral candidate

"Fun-Bike" Andy.

I'm here talking
to Copenhagen residents

about a miraculous new invention.

Excuse me, sir,
what would you say

is the toughest part
about life in Copenhagen?

The Muslims.

I'm kidding. Kidding.

No, the commute, for sure.

Biking up these hills
leaves me zeer pooped.

Well, try this.

Wow!

Thank you, stranger!

Celebrities love it, too.

I use the Copenhagen wheel
for transport to the set

of my hit
television drama program,

"Crime Robbery Policeforce."

I am but a simple puppeteer,
and even I can afford one.

Yeah, and it will be perfect

for when we start a family
very soon.

The Copenhagen wheel
makes me jump for --

I think I twisted my ankle.

And the Copenhagen wheel
is surprisingly inexpensive.

And with the tax credits

from the recent repeal
of the herring tariff,

the Copenhagen wheel
is even more affordable still!

You guys recognize Doug?

Uh, how much
are you looking for here?

Um...75, 80.

80 mil for a bike accessory?

No. No, no, no.
$80,000. Yeah.

$90,000 if I redo the floors.

I have a great retail space
in P.A.M.P.A.

Do you know the --
the parallelogram

above the Manhattan Psychiatric Asylum?

It's a real up-and-coming
neighborhood, so...

Thank you,
Mr. Botwin.

So, are you gonna fund me?

Come back when your market cap
is closer to...

Uh...

When you have a market cap.

Thank you for coming by.

Thanks for your time.

You looked good, Rocket Man.
Yeah.

Excuse me, Detective?

Oh, Encyclopedia fuckin' Brown.
What do you want?

You talked about the case

with the mailbox place
that got shot up.

You said it was a front,
like a fake store?

No,
it was a real shop --

legitimate business
covering an illegal one --

prostitution, in this case.

Covering how?
Like on paper?

Yeah.
And foot traffic.

They didn't raise suspicion

with all those mopes walking
in and out of there all day,

checking their mail, right.

Did they launder the money, too?

Are you taking this class

because "The Films of Nic Cage"
was all filled up,

or are you really interested?

No, I'm totally into it.

All right.
You take my card.

If you want to come down
to the precinct sometime,

I'll show you around.

That --
that sounds fruity.

What I mean is

the police academy
isn't exactly bursting

with the brain trust
of your generation,

if you know what I'm saying.

Okay.

Later, Botwin.

See you around.

Wait, Silas! Stop!

What?

Nothing.

You know this is MILF?

Really?

I thought MILF was lost.

Nothing's ever lost.

Uh, I was thinking

we'd show Heylia the money,
arrange transport,

explain to her why having
her product in New York --

We haven't talked yet, you know.

I try, but you keep stalling,
so we're gonna do it now.

Talk about what?

What did he say
when I was born, huh?

"Well, doesn't look like me.
That's weird.

Oh, well."

Didn't matter to him.

Bullshit.

Or is your memory just as screwed up
as everything else?

You were born
at 10:59 A.M.

The walls of my room were pink

with a faded border
of quarter horses along the top.

A nurse was playing "Sunshine of Your Love"
as you emerged.

My first thought was
I wanted to eat one of your toes

so I could still keep
a piece of you inside of me.

My second thought was,

"If Judah does not love
this baby, I'm gonna leave him."

So you see?
My memory is perfect.

Everything you say, mom,
just sounds like stuff to say.

It doesn't actually
mean anything.

Does it really matter in the end?

Does he show up any less
in your dreams?

Does he mean any less to you?

No.

You do.

Part of him knew, I think,
whether I told him or not.

And h-he had room
in his heart.

You were his.

You never told him?

That is so unbelievably
deceitful.

I did it for you.

You don't get to make
those choices for other people.

You would have preferred what,
that I abort you?!

And you don't get credit

for having a baby
with fucking Lars.

He's so dumb!
I-I got the dumb genes!

You're not dumb.

Yeah, Shane got other things,

but you're sweet
and so good-looking

and not a murderer, which
puts you squarely in the lead.

So, yeah, I kept you in the dark
for much of your life,

but you gave me stretch marks,
so we're even.

Dad's dead.

You lied to me my whole life,

and I'm stuck here with you
fucking endlessly.

So no, mom,
we're not even close to even.

I did it!
I found you guys!

Fuck you, Heylia!
Dean Hodes is a man!

Fuck!

Oh, God!

Now, this place
is still configured

for the last business,

but I'm confident
you'll see the potential.

My first gay bar.

The real-estate lady promised she would
have this cleaned up.

What's back here?

Uh...

Kitchen,
employee-changing area, dungeon.

Is there a back door?

Yeah --
goes out to an alley.

Great.
It's perfect.

You mean --

I'll front you
the start-up money.

Just like that?

Oh, my God! Shane!

You have no idea how much
it means that you believe in me.

I don't believe in you.

You have no business plan.

This is a terrible location
for foot traffic.

And you don't even know
if the Copenhagen wheel

is street-legal
in the United States yet.

T-then why
are you investing?

As a front for mom.

She thinks she needs Silas,
but she needs me.

No way.

This is gonna be
a legitimate retail business.

It will be.
The main space is all yours.

Drug stuff in the back.

We'll use the alley for
deliveries. Completely hidden.

This isn't what I wanted.

Just think of it
like in "Goodfellas"

when that guy comes to Paulie
for help at the restaurant.

Paulie used the restaurant
as a criminal hub.

Then he torched the place
once he sucked it dry.

What's your point?

How is he?

He'll sleep
till the doctor gets here.

Told that idiot
to never go out there.

Heylia...

People love MILF.

They don't have it
in New York yet.

We can open up that market.
We have customers.

You have a package ready to go.

We can buy right now,

and you don't
have to drive anywhere --

Stop.

I'll supply you.

On one condition.

Great. Thank you.

What is it?

Give me Silas.

What?

What?

Not permanently.

He helps harvest
the current crop,

then he gets
what's already packaged,

rents a vehicle, transports it
to New York himself.

Offer's on the table --
five minutes.

Well, this is stupid.
Let's go.

I'll do it.

Fuck no.
You can't have my son.

Sure she can.

We need this.

I'll stay.

I d-- I mean...

Are you sure?

Okay, then. Fine.

Um...

You know I'm doing this --
I'm doing all this for my child.

I'm not a child.

I meant Stevie.

No.

Y-you're my child, too.

So...
I get it, though.

Um, I'll see you in New York.

Drive safe, okay?
Be safe.

Sit.

Fix you something to eat
before you get started.

It's a horrible mistake.

And the bottom line is,

I should not be ever let loose
in San Francisco.

What about you?

Aside from losing Silas
to his friends for the weekend,

you stay out of trouble?

I was a good girl.

Good girl.

I have to rest my eyes, I think.

Um...

Tell me something interesting
for my book.

That would be a nice thing to do.

Okay.

Um...

I almost stepped
in a bear trap today.

Mm-hmm.

Also...

Someone accused me

of only being aware
of what's right in front of me.

I didn't defend myself,
but it isn't true.

The opposite.

Any moment --
eating lunch, washing my hair --

I'm aware of all my people,
wherever they are.

And I carry them, you know.

Otherwise, they might...slip away.

And then what?

Hey.

What the fuck?

That's not even a story.
It's not a story.

Sorry.

I'll have some better ones
for you next time.

Mm-hmm.