Weeds (2005–2012): Season 5, Episode 11 - Ducks and Tigers - full transcript

Previously on Weeds:

- Mom?
- The bullet was for me, wasn't it?

You owe me, and you hurt my kid.

You're never getting hurt again.
I promise you.

You should be worrying
about Stevie Ray. He's just a baby.

- Baby murderer.
- Twenty-five feet, Gayle.

Please help us. We can't get
our weed back without a court order.

I will help you. But first...

- ...his dick, this drawer.
- I can do this.

Raylene Reynolds.
You're Pretty! Cosmetics.

Nice to meet you.



I can sell a lot more makeup
if I give a free gift.

Oh, no. I can't steal their weed.

- Putz.
- I've got a crooked dick and no pot?

This little milk ball was a mistake
that would end the career...

...of a very promising politician.
I am here to correct that mistake.

I have been replaced
as candidate for governor.

Pilar Zuazo.

I want her dead.

- In your face.
- She's fucking on fire.

Four points.

The newlyweds are annoying.

Weren't lawn darts banned?

When you boys are finished crying,
it's your turn.

He's taunting us.



He's trying to act like a father.
Fathers taunt.

When we went jogging,
Dad told me I was so slow...

...Stephen Hawking
could beat me in a footrace.

Then he collapsed,
puked twice, and died.

So who's the better jogger now?

I'm sorry I didn't give you
a proper wedding.

Oh, it was perfect.

- Thank you for marrying me.
- No, thank you for marrying me.

And thank you for encouraging me
about the election.

Fuck Pilar. You're gonna win.

Throw already, you girls.

Hey, what's wrong with girls?

Hey.

Who's that?

Nancy, this is Adelita.

Our stepsister.

Adelita. Wow, hi.

- Of course you forgot I was coming.
- My brain. I'm sorry.

Adelita is in from Paris
to look at colleges.

How are your sisters? Your mom?

So -- You're married.

Congratulations.

So why is my room
decorated like a hospital?

All right, there you are.

- This is wrong.
- I'm sorry?

I ordered goat cheese.
This is ricotta.

You can tell because it's disgusting
and flavorless, and it's cow, not goat.

Cows go:

Goats go:

Sheep go:

Shut the fuck up, sheep,
and bring me the right cheese.

I just attacked a waitress, Raylene.
I'm back.

You know, in my whole time
at You're Pretty!...

...I have never seen anyone
ascend so fast.

And with such thrust.

I'm just getting started.

I am doing a major push...

...as soon as I square away
some new product.

Well, hot damn.

I am wetter
than a slaughterhouse floor.

You're funny.

Yeah, I'm not kidding.

Lupita.

I haven't pumped.
Are you giving him formula?

Lupita, I'm breastfeeding.

Two people
give you different directions:

One, white woman from suburb...

...the other, giant scary Mexican
drug kingpin.

Who you listen to?

There he is.

Did you tell Lupita
to give the baby formula?

- Yes.
- I'm breastfeeding. You know this.

Peasants breastfeed.

- Peasants?
- Yep.

First, it's better for the baby.

Actually, some studies suggest...

...that the toxins you've ingested
will come out in your breast milk.

I should unpack.

You are a politician's wife.
We have work to do.

- Let the servants feed the baby.
- No.

No more formula. Baby, booby.

- I mean it.
- All right. As you wish, mi amor.

All babies wanna get born.

Stop killing babies.

Save the babies, don't kill them.

Don't you have to be 25 feet away,
Gayle?

Not from you.

What are you doing here?

Pap smear.

Okay, before I climb in...

...know that one phone call...

...and assurances that you've
cut all ties from Nancy, doesn't --

You unwelded the door.

Bye, Gayle.

Fornicators!

Read me what we got so far.

"Doug and Dean's big list
of ways to get revenge...

...on that thieving,
deceitful whore, Celia."

- That's it.
- Okay.

You need to be typing
everything I say.

My ideas are golden.

- Sorry.
- Number one:

Tell her she won some shit,
and then there's no shit.

Embarrassing.

Number two: We slip
some spider-goats under her door.

- What the fuck are spider-goats?
- Part goat, part spider.

Their milk has Kevlar webs.
Look it up.

So they're these tiny little goats?

No, they're big goats
with spider genes.

How the fuck do we get them
under the door?

Good point. Number three.

We kick her in the twat.

We suck at this.

Okay, this is why we can't
strategize good, Dean. Pot.

If we're going into battle,
we have to have a clear head.

Yeah, but we love pot.

Do you think Ulysses S. Grant
was stoned...

...when he won World War I?

Or Gore when he beat
global warming?

Going into battle
with a formidable opponent.

We have to be our very best.

Then we can fuck that bitch up good
so she stays fucked up.

So for now, we back off the weed.

And how do you have a cell phone?

I always got the newest shit.

- What, you want me to hook you up?
- No. I'm in the middle of a contract.

Those fuckers tried to give me
a hard time too...

...so I had a friend visit the call center
up in Burnsville, Minnesota.

You should mention my name.
Ask for Bill Sondergaard.

He'll be the one that sounds like
he's talking through a broken jaw.

Does this mean you're gonna help me
with my little problem?

See, now, about that.

Pilar Zuazo, she's Manny Ramirez.

You a peewee league pitcher.

Gotta wonder, what the fuck
you doing on the mound?

You can't do shit. You're locked up.

Don't get it twisted, mami,
I'm still working.

I'm just telecommuting for now.

Well, can you do it or not?

I don't know.
Depends if you can help me out.

Help get my case
transferred to Mexico.

- See, that tunnel that you shut down --
- Nasty rumor.

It spanned two countries.

Thanks to you,
the last of the American agents...

...who could testify as to which side
I was standing on, he's dead now.

So?

So I need someone
more high level Mexi-juice...

...to help get my case
transferred there.

- And then what?
- Then I'm David Blaine in Mexico.

I slide under doors in Mexico.

You're not gonna come after me?

Blanca, we're like
one of those YouTube videos.

You know, where a tiger and a duck
get all confused...

...they become friends,
and, you know, it seems okay...

...but you never really know,
do you?

God, I hated anatomy.

Memorizing all 206 bones
in the body is not easy.

Wow, your hands feel good.

That's my fibula.

- See, I still got it.
- Oh, yeah.

- What was I saying?
- Wonderful, interesting things.

- That's my tibia.
- Okay. Silence.

But I was gonna tell you
about Yemen.

- Yemen can wait.
- Patella.

- Okay, Audra. I mean, Andy.
- Andy.

- I just called you Audra.
- I know.

Femur.

Trochanter.

Femoral neck.

Femoral head.

Oh, God.

Okay.

No, no, no.

This is what I do.

So just, you lay back.

This is embarrassing.

Never mind.

Look, I've been single for a while...

...so my battery-powered helpers
have made it difficult --

Who the -- ?

- That didn't shoot out of you, right?
- That's Gayle. He followed us. Fuck.

He brought some friends.
Holy sh -- God.

- Let's call the police.
- No use.

I knew it was a bad idea
having you pick me up.

Gayle has a thing for me.

If you love something,
throw tomatoes at it.

Oh, now I'm gonna have to move in.

- Seriously?
- I'm always moving.

They find out where I live
and I move again.

They're dangerous, Andy.

Stay with me
while you figure out your move.

What?

- No, I can't.
- I got a big house.

You get your own room.

Me and the General
got you into this, so....

Just -- Why don't you think about it,
okay?

Oh, God. What are you doing?

If you don't climax, the terrorists win.

Can't let that happen.

A Baja federal judge is holding it up.

Well, can you ask him to un-hold it?

You should not have been visiting
Guillermo Garcia-Gomez in jail.

We have a history.

I'd come and visit you too.

Smuggle in gold chains
and shiny shirts.

Oh, hi, honey.
Can I make you something?

You know how to make beer?

You're not having any more beer.

That was a special occasion.

- You got shot.
- I know.

I'm kidding.

Like it or not,
we all have to work together now.

It's for our own safety.

Why don't you stick
to breastfeeding?

Well, fuck you. Just do it.

Good.

And you can't kill him.
If anyone gets hurt...

...I'm telling Esteban you tried
to shoot me. His heart will break.

I'm good at killing.

No killing.

Life's a drag.

Oh, come on.

Big baby.

Seriously, tell me why we're here
or I'm leaving.

Well, now that I'm a giant success,
I wanna pamper myself.

And I want to extend
the pampering experience...

...to my child,
whose company I enjoy.

She'll take a bottle
of the Sebastian Shaper Spray.

Because she's my salon buddy.

Wait, fine, fine. Fine.

I want to apologize.

When you told me you were gay,
I didn't react well.

You told me you would take
my rug-munching ass...

...to reparative therapy.

Well, that was old Mommy.

I'm new Mommy.

New Mommy is a nice mommy.

Anyway, I thought maybe you could,
you know, tell me a little bit about it.

About being lesbionic.

You know, what do you do?

I don't know.

I've only done the --
The kissing part.

Was that weird?

Kissing a girl?

Was it soft?
Was it good soft, like a puppy...

...or was it bad soft, like rotten fruit?

Oh, God. Oh, am I gonna
have to get a strap-on?

- No, no, no. No. No. No.
- Okay. I was just thinking about it.

- You cannot take this away.
- I'm not --

- It's all I have --
- Just don't be so selfish.

Mommy's lonely.

There's this woman
out there right now...

...who thinks that
I am the cat's meow.

Cat, pussy.

Already doing the lezzy humor.

You're not gay, Mom.

Well, what if I am?

There was that Tracy Chapman song
that I liked.

New Mommy is still a hateful bitch.

Come on. I thought may --
It would bring us closer, you know?

Here you go.

So, what about you?

You ever get on down to girly town?

- Hi.
- Hi.

I left clean sheets and towels
on your bed.

Thanks.

This looks amazing.

Holy crap.

I mean, what were you doing?
It felt like there were eight of you.

- What was that?
- Trade secret. Can't tell you.

- Do it again.
- No. Okay.

Yes, please.

Oh, God, my head.

Throw me the aspirin.

You've had like 14 already.
You'll ruin your kidneys.

Fuck my kidneys. What did
those assholes ever do for me?

And I swear, if you tell me
they clean my poop...

...or whatever shit they do,
I will kill you.

I will kill your face off.

Then have some food, at least.

Food is stupid.

- Just read me what we have up there.
- We have nothing.

Everything is lame.

Have my feet always been
this huge?

Jesus Christ.

It's like I'm a clown in a circus.

My dad took me to the circus once
when I was 6 years old...

...and backstage,
the ringmaster touched my tent pole.

What? Where did that come from?

I don't know.

Why am I remembering that now?

I don't wanna remember that.

- No, Doug. What about our plan?
- Being sober's bullshit. You stay sober.

- Fuck that.
- Then we get stoned in shifts.

One will stay sober, and the other
will smoke. Then we'll switch.

But what if one of us
has a really great idea...

...and the other one
is too stoned to get it?

Well,
then we'll write each other notes.

Like Memento.

Goddamn it,
show me what you were doing.

No.

Here?
You're doing something to that, right?

I don't even know what that is.

- That then?
- Oh, no. I'm gonna address that later.

Actually, you know what?
I'm gonna address that right now.

Hey, Adelita.
I was just heading for a night swim.

Wanna join me? Big pool.

- Thanks, but I'm reading.
- What are you reading?

It's Milan Kundera,
The Book of Laughter and Forgetting.

So that's like a self-help thing?

Sort of. Who are you reading now?

I'm between books right now.

Can you recommend something
you've really enjoyed?

I'll make you a list.

Cool. Thanks.

And, hey, welcome to the villa.

I grew up here.

- Welcome home, then.
- Thanks.

Enjoy your swim.

Adelita.

Oh, hello, Nancy.

You know, I'm just gonna come out
and say this.

Silas can be very charming...

...but he's still a guy,
and you're in high school.

My lover is 32 years old.

He's a journalist.

Your boy is not
a dangerous temptation for me...

...so no need to worry.

How's my little brother tonight?

Being a stubborn Gus.

He won't latch.

He probably likes the formula.

Well, formula doesn't come out
of my boob, so he's out of luck.

Okay.

We don't really know each other.
Why don't we go to lunch or....

That's sweet of you, Nancy...

...but I'm not terribly invested
in my father's love life.

Thanks, anyway.

This is amazing.

What am I eating?

Grilled flank steak with red chard,
currants and homemade harissa.

- I think I just came again.
- I love this peach fuzz.

I'm flawed. I have a pelt.

You are perfect, because you're flesh
and blood and organs and bones...

...and you can name all of them.

You're so cool.

Well, you cook like a motherfucker.

I wanna fuck.

He won't nurse.

Your fault.

You try putting tequila
on your tetas?

There's breast milk in the freezer.

Give him a bottle.

And no tequila on the nipple.

It's Nancy.

How I love this woman.

The people have spoken.

La Paz, Tecate, Ensenada, Loreto.
Everywhere.

They support Esteban Reyes...

...for governor of Estado Libre
y Soberano de Baja California.

My big, handsome governor.

Oh, yes.

Cesar, another drink.

The American political strategists...

...think they can get
some real money rolling in.

Clean money.

- Hear that sound?
- What sound?

Pilar Zuazo crying.

I am reborn.

Where is my daughter?

I hear Silas tried to hit on her.

Why -- ?
Why is that so funny to you?

He's not exactly in her division.

"League." I think you mean "league."

Why is he not in her league?

You want our children
to be involved with each other?

No. I'm just surprised
you'd be so dismissive of my son.

No, no, no. He's a nice, simple boy.

- Adelita has a stick up her ass.
- I hope so.

I sent her to France
to get that stick there.

Now Adelita
speaks three languages...

...and is going to Stanford
or Berkeley in a year.

You kept your boys close to you,
no matter what you were involved in.

Who made the better choice?

I hope Cesar
feels like cuddling tonight.

- What?
- Governor of the sofa bed.

Wait. What? Na --

Cesar?

So that was fun. Shopping.

Trying on clothes.

Buying some.

That's what we did.

So strap-on...

...how does that work?

Don't worry, honey. We'll get to that.

Oh, hey.

- What are you doing in here?
- I was looking for gauze.

I needed to change my bandage.

Oh, hey, well, why don't I help you?

- Is that okay?
- Yeah.

- Are you all right?
- Yeah.

I didn't think anyone was in here.

There are like seven bathrooms.

You just don't want Adelita
to know you shit.

Shut up. Nasty.

What are you reading, a book?

Yeah. So?

Can you hurry up, please?

Light in here sucks.

I'll do the rest myself.

Spider-goats.

Damn it, it was your shift.

Bullshit, it was your shift.

Jesus.

Clean yourselves up.

Do I have something on my face?

You two idiots
wanna get back at Mom, right?

- Yeah.
- All right, then.

Let's do this right.

Don't worry.
I'll sleep in the guest room.

When Stevie's old enough,
I want him to go far away from here.

There will be nothing to run from.

I can beat Pilar's clown.

I fucked up my kids.

We'll fix them.

You know,
I've been reading about formula...

...and I've changed my mind.

You should feed him
from your body.

Keep him close.

Well, he doesn't want
my milk anyway.

Maybe Adelita's right.
Maybe I'm toxic.

It's not. You're not toxic.

You're his mother.

Come here.

We will be patient
and he'll take your milk again.

Look.

The consultants set up
a Twitter for me.

To connect with the people.

I already have 3000 followers.

We're opening my campaign office
in Tijuana tomorrow.

Would you come?

Oh, look. Govlover22 thinks
you're hotter than Gavin Newsom.

Well, what can I say?
The people have spoken.

I did what you asked.

- The federal judge.
- Already?

You didn't hurt him?

No, he found himself the subject
of potentially embarrassing photos.

- Is that a pig?
- Javelina.

It's like a pig.

I admire the originality.

And he'll push the transfer through.

He could win this.

We can beat Pilar's man.

Look at him.
It's what he's meant to be doing.

Yes, it is.

Esteban Reyes.