Weeds (2005–2012): Season 5, Episode 12 - Glue - full transcript

Andy joins Nancy and Cesar in their search for Esteban; Dean and Doug get back at Celia; Silas and Shane become protective of their new stepsister.

Previously on Weeds:

- Get down.
- Mom?

- I'm sorry.
- Why?

- Shane, you got shot.
- I'm okay.

I fucked up my kids.

- Whoa, who's that?
- This is Adelita.

Our stepsister.

Hey, Adelita.

- I hear Silas tried to hit on her.
- Why is that so funny?

He's not exactly in her division.

Weed. I need a steady supply.



And I'm not talking
nickel and dime bags here.

She squeezed me out.
I was gonna be a drug kingpin.

You two idiots
wanna get back at Mom?

- Yeah.
- All right, then.

- Let's do this right.
- What's that?

I filled out all the forms to put
Esteban's name on the birth certificate.

Do you have a plan?

Maybe call a girl
who calls me on my shit.

You're a frozen margarita, Andy.

- And I'm a doctor.
- Why'd you agree to go out with me?

I'm fascinated by how all this is gonna
play out with the gangster baby daddy.

The people have spoken. They support
Esteban Reyes for governor.

Look at him.
It's what he's meant to be doing.

Esteban Reyes?



- Are you drinking?
- Yes, Shane, I am drinking.

I've been drinking all night.

- Can't seem to get drunk.
- Why?

Don't know. Not for lack of effort.
I can tell you that.

I mean, why have you been drinking
all night?

Because that's what I do
when my husband --

God, it feels weird to say that.

I'm drinking because
they took him away in handcuffs...

...and I'm waiting for Cesar
to find out who they are...

...where he is, why his phone is off,
and whether or not I'm a widow again.

Which of his many crimes
did they arrest him for?

Yeah, I don't know.

Do you think Pilar set him up?

I don't know, Shane.
They just took him away.

About fucking time.

Do you ever wish
that you could go back...

...to right after Dad died
and do things differently?

I try not to think about it.

I think about it a lot.

Yeah?

Okay.

No, I'm coming now.
I'll fucking GPS it, Cesar.

The Policia Judicial are holding him.

- Should you be driving?
- Probably not.

You gotta be fucking kidding me.

Seriously, Mom, you're losing it.

Au contraire, I'm on top,
and I am staying on top this time.

Like Nancy.

In fact, I'm gonna out-Nancy Nancy.

That why you're dressed
like a prostitute?

See, Nancy had the right idea.

Life is not about making good choices
in order to get good things.

Life is about admitting what you want
and not being afraid to take it.

So I'm off to meet my connection...

...swap this cheddar
for some heady nuggets...

...and then perhaps I'll eat a salad
and get my Sapphic freak on.

I actually threw up
into my nose that time.

Well, you know,
throwing up is slimming down.

Oh, wait, before you go...

...there was a detective downstairs
asking about you.

A black guy, brown fedora,
leather jacket.

Mentioned your name,
flashed a badge.

Maybe he thinks your turning tricks.

Yeah. Maybe.

Well, have fun with the whole
Nancy envy, and the drug deal...

...and the taking and the wanting
and the not being afraid.

- No consequences, no regrets.
- Have you seen yourself in that dress?

One regret.

One big-haired, big-boned,
big-loudmouthed regret.

Some idiot
is standing in front of the car.

Oh, that's no idiot, that's my --
Actually, you're right.

I was parking
when you were pulling away.

I was all, "Hey Nance," but you
couldn't hear me, so I started running.

- Which is harder than it looks.
- Should I keep driving?

- Yes.
- Yeah, sure.

On a bit of a buzz here.
Adrenaline rush, or anticipation.

I'm a man on a mission, Nance.
I'm a man with a plan.

"What could that plan be?"
she asks herself.

Intrigued? Yes.
Perhaps even captivated by the --

Shut up.

- Here goes.
- You never listen.

- I'm trying to tell you...
- Like a child yanking my sleeve.

- ...something big that's happening.
- Major life event for Andy?

- Going to Candy Mountain?
- Doesn't have to be about you.

- Today it does. Today it's about --
- There are other people.

- You don't even ask.
- Lives of their own.

- "Where you going?"
- Hopes. Dreams.

- "Something bothering you?"
- Something's alwa --

My husband --
God, that sounds weird.

-- is being held somewhere
by somebody for some reason.

Held? Okay, that's major.

Kind of don't know
if I'm ever gonna see him again.

I don't know if my children are safe.
Don't know what's happening in my life.

So I kind of don't give a shit
about your shenanigans.

"Shenanigans" is a bit rough.

I'm sorry about Esteban.

I'm sure he'll be okay.
He's too big to fail.

I'm sorry I shenaniganed
your major life event. What is it?

- I'm going to Candy Mountain.
- Come on.

I'll tell you later.

You just made a huge deal about it.
"Mission. Running. Mystery."

- No, it's nothing really.
- Spill it.

I'm gonna ask Audra to marry me.

I wanna give her
my mom's engagement ring.

The ring that Judah gave you.
So can I have it?

What's with the lockdown?
The suited ogres won't let me leave.

Ask your mother. She gave orders.

Yeah, she does that.

It made a mess of my plans.

She does that too.

I was gonna go jogging.

Jogging?

Helps me clear my mind.

Clear you mind of what?

Don't be so serious
about everything.

Since I can't leave, some friends
are coming over for a little party.

You should join us.

Hang out. Loosen up.

Clear your mind.

Cool.

But you might wanna
change your clothes.

Yeah.

He is in this building.

I will find out why. You will wait here.

I'm going with you.

It's better for me to go alone.
The local color is not white.

Okay, I found Siempre Mujer,
TV Y Novelas...

...and for the rare
English-speaking customer...

...Woman's You-Niverse
from July 1974.

"I was frigid, now hear me roar.

The diet that makes you grow
younger.

- Is bisexuality thinkable?"
- Can I please have the ring?

- I know it's bad timing.
- I'm still processing.

And yes,
this is incredibly bad timing.

It was Bubbie's.

It went to my father, to my mother,
to Judah, and then to you.

It has history. It has meaning.

It's free.

- "Are you truly in love?"
- Yes, without a doubt.

I'm not asking, I'm reading aloud.
Magazine quiz.

You never even wear it.

- Judah gave it to me.
- Yeah.

And Esteban gave you a new one.

We must go to the sixth floor.
Speak with a registration clerk.

- Let's go.
- We need a pass.

- Where do we get a pass?
- We get a number.

- What number did we get?
- One sixty-seven.

Here.

Buy a better number.

Let's do the "Truly In Love" quiz.

Winner take all.
And by "all," I mean that ring.

Quizzes are bullshit.

And it's 1974.

Do the criteria for amour
ever really change?

Or are you just worried that my love
for Audra is like a red, red rose?

- Question number one.
- Bring it on.

"When you're away from your love
and you think of him...

...do you feel A, joyful, B, sad,
C, lonely, or D, horny?"

You smell like you won.

- Perro Insano always triumphs.
- Actually, you were defeated...

...by El Conductor
on two separate occasions.

No more autograph for you.
Get out of here.

So how does this work?

Leave your bag of money,
take my bag of weed.

Simple enough.

Where you going?

Wrong wrestler.

I know where you live, bitch.

Question 27.

"Friendship in true love is:

An overblown concept,
a fundamental concept...

...a waste of time, a bonus."

I'm glad you asked that.

This would go a lot faster
if you'd just answer the questions.

- I do answer the questions.
- No. You -- You discuss.

It's fricking multiple choice.

I feel there are certain nuances
that merit examination.

- Oh, here we go.
- What?

- This.
- You and Esteban aren't friends?

- We're friends, I guess.
- You don't think it's important?

- It's not something that comes up.
- I think it's fundamental.

- Fundamental was one of the choices.
- Friends and lovers can watch a movie.

- Sit in the dark and not talk?
- Play cards. Dominoes.

- Otherwise it's just about sex.
- It's always about sex with you.

Bet you spent a couple days
banging this chick...

- ...now you think you gotta get married.
- I'm gonna do it.

- When?
- Tomorrow. That's why I want the ring.

Tomorrow.

Jesus, Andy, you just -- I mean, you --

- Not in love with this person.
- What if I am?

What if this is my shot for a nice,
normal life with a doctor and a family?

Of my own.

- Hello?
- Nancy? It's me.

- I need help.
- I'm hanging up now.

No, wait, wait, wait.

The cops are after me, okay?
It's not safe to use my cell phone.

I've had way too much caffeine
and I have to piss like a racehorse.

I don't know how you drank
all those lattes and didn't wet yourself.

- Goodbye Celia.
- No, just --

Just tell me where do I hide out
when the heat is on?

Do I go home?
To a motel? Mexico?

I can't really recommend Mexico
at the moment.

Okay, well,
I'm not going back to the slammer.

Would you say friendship
is a fundamental part of love?

What?

If you want my help,
answer the fucking question.

Wrong answer. Have fun in jail.

What's going on?

Esteban is not on this floor.

You said six. This is six.

We must go up to 11,
Criminal Division.

- Is he under arrest?
- Held for questioning.

Questioning.
Might be a ray of sunshine there.

If we squint.

So, Silas, you from L.A.?

North of there, actually.

Like Malibu?

Like Agrestic.

Where'd you prep?

Agrestic High.

Public institution of learning.

There's nothing wrong
with public schools.

Why'd your dad send you
to Dana Hall?

So she wouldn't get boned
by public dick.

I'm just playing, Adelita.

So, Silas.

You wanna smoke?

- I'll smoke some weed.
- All out.

But I do have some delightful heroin.

Number 43.

"What is the glue that holds
your relationship together for life?"

I don't even need to hear the choices.
I'm gonna go with Elmer's.

Glib, and not a choice.

"Love" is a choice.
The choice that I'm making.

And now you'll tell me why.

Well, because I believe that true love
can overcome any problem.

That's fairy tale stuff.

- Not real life.
- All I know is...

...Audra makes me feel like every
other woman in my life was wrong.

A mistake.

How about Judah?
Was he a mistake?

There are different loves, different
marriages, and they're not ranked.

I have been married for 27 years.

We have three beautiful children
and a deep, abiding love.

But our glue is made from sharing,
connecting, communicating.

And I never bring my work home.

The jungle fuzz. Shit. Fuck.

I should be hiding.

Good idea.

That's a fucking hard door, man.

We're talking about my husband.
I am trying to find --

Look, we're told that you have him
back there.

Can you just -- ?

My husband, okay?
The father of my child.

We have a baby.

I need you to help me.

I wanna talk to somebody
who speaks English.

I wanna talk to somebody
who speaks English.

Let me deal with this. Go sit down.
Getting angry is not going to help.

You ever wanna go back
and do things differently?

Yeah, I wanna teleport to 1974.

"What to wear to an orgy".

Apparently,
the presence of underwear...

...signals your desired level
of participation.

- We moved on from your lame quiz?
- Oh, no.

No, no. I'm not giving up on that.
I'm kicking your ass.

- Read.
- Number 65.

"At our core,
the search for true love is driven by:

Passion, need for sex...

...need for financial
and emotional support...

...or D...

...the basic human need
to feel connected...

...and leave
the prison of aloneness."

Those fucking dicks are still here?

My thoughts exactly.

They smoked heroin.

You smoked heroin?

No. "Nope to dope and...to drugs."

Deputy Dog. Took it to heart.

Well, except for weed.

Her friends suck.

She kind of sucks.

Great. There are two more like her
in France who could drop by anytime.

The potential for douchebag
party buds is exponential.

- Want some?
- Why not.

Here's to this thing
we're doing now...

...here in this ridiculous place.

Thanks. For not leaving.
I know you could've.

- I'm actually leaving tomorrow.
- Shut up.

Will you look at this shit?

Should we do something?
She's totally out of it.

Apparently, these are the guys
her Dad wants her to fuck, so --

Shit.

Don't tell anyone I was noble.

Hey. Come on, let's go.

The party's over. Out.

Get up.

- Out.
- Hey, hey, hey. Don't worry, Agrestic.

- Back of the line, Public.
- Hey.

Shit.

Why are you still here?

- No.
- Run, dummy.

Okay. Okay.

Badass motherfucker.

Summer school.

Okay, the results are in.

- Oh, goody.
- Okay.

Andy, me, 89.

"You understand what love is
and are truly in love."

That's nice.

Guess they didn't count
your orgy fixation against you.

I guess not. Nancy Bot.

Sixty-two.

Bullshit.

"Don't feel bad.
You still have the chance...

...to re-examine your priorities
and understanding of love...

...in order to make
a positive change in your life."

- Yeah, or I could kill myself.
- Oh, look. It's a silly quiz, you know?

It doesn't necessarily
mean anything.

Obviously.

For you, I mean.
For me, it's accurate.

- Because you're truly in love.
- Truly in love, that's right.

For now.

Why do you have to do that?

I know you. This is what you do.

You -- You love to be loved.

You pull all this love in,
you build it all up in your head...

...and when it gets too close,
you run.

I just want the ring, Nance.

You can spare me
all the brilliant insight.

Andy.

You're not gonna give it to me.

You cannot get it together...

...to treat me like somebody
you actually care about.

- That's not it.
- You're a fucking coward.

Do you know that?

You think that all this crazy shit
you get into makes you brave.

But you're fucking terrified
of being ordinary.

I would love to be ordinary.

I would love to be back in Agrestic
waiting for Judah to come home.

- You burned that town to the ground.
- Yeah.

- And your house.
- Yeah, I did.

- I made sacrifices for my family.
- No, no, no.

What you sacrificed was your family.
That's what you did.

Look where you are.

Are you watching Shane play soccer?
No. Because you fucked that up.

Don't tell me
you wanna be someone else...

...when you do fuck all to change
what's going on.

It's your turn.

I'm sorry. There's nothing more
I can do to help you.

- You can tell me where he is.
- We're closing. The whole building is.

- It's 4:00. It's 4 fucking o'clock.
- That clock is broken.

- Tell me where he is.
- I don't know.

Tell me where he is.
Tell me where he is!

Okay.

Thank you.

- He's not here.
- What?

He was released four hours ago.

Look, I --

You know that I don't like you,
and I know that you don't like me...

...but I need your help.

I have this bag full of plants.

I need it gone.

Exactly.

No, I will not suck your dick.

Bingo.

I'd appreciate if you didn't ask
my mom to blow you in front of me.

Had to, or she would've known
something was up.

- Right, dark and lovely?
- Word.

- Why are you still dressed like that?
- Yeah, why are you, Tito?

Thought I might go out for a bit.

White women been sweating me
all day.

I'm gonna hit a hot spot.
Turn it loose.

Turn what loose?
Your small white penis?

You're gonna get your ass kicked.

No, it's cool.

Robert Downey Jr. opened the door.
Now I'm gonna walk through that door.

Get me some bathroom sex
at Applebee's.

- That might actually work.
- Yeah.

Where's the rest of my You're Pretty!?

I could use a little more Snake Bite,
I think, for my lips. What do you think?

I'll let the hospital know
you're coming.

You're drinking?
Are you kidding me?

Yes, I am.

Drinking. Not kidding.

Count me in.

Where's Silas?

Holding Adelita's hair
while she pukes.

I get five feet in the door
and shit's already falling apart.

Relax. We're celebrating
the big announcement.

- What big announcement?
- I'm getting married.

What?

Don't listen to him.
He's high on infatuation.

No, look. There's El Governor to be.

With Pilar.

He's back on the ticket.

She pulled him back in.

Are you really getting married,
Andy?

Yes, he is.

And he's using my ring.

- With my blessing.
- Congratulations.

Congratulations.