Weeds (2005–2012): Season 5, Episode 10 - Perro Insano - full transcript

Previously on Weeds:

- Do me up.
- I sold you an eight ball yesterday.

- I need another one.
- How much you got?

My fianc? said the funniest thing.

You asked him to kill
some loco DEA agent?

Gee, thanks.

You did me a solid.

Can't get weed
without a court order.

I will help you.
After I slam his dick in this drawer.

I can do this.

I can sell a lot more makeup
if I give a free gift.



Oh, no. I can't steal their weed.

No, you just tell them
that you got ripped off.

I've got a crooked dick
and there's no pot?

It wasn't my fault.

Eighths go in the compacts.
Half ounces in the eye-shadow kit.

Everyone, let's see that plastic.

Adi?s, losers. New condo.

Did this all on my own,
selling You're Pretty! cosmetics.

May I help you, sir?

I wanna make money
selling face chemicals.

- Think you can handle a full order?
- Damn right. Fill me up.

After the election,
we will be married and be a family.

- What election?
- I'm running for governor.

- What the fuck was that?
- Her name is Pilar Zuazo.



And she is just protecting
my public image.

This little milk ball was a mistake.

I am the father of this child.

Not according to
your dear friend Pilar.

Couldn't put Esteban's name
on the birth certificate.

So you put my name on it.

You're a frozen margarita, Andy,
and I'm a doctor.

Why'd you agree to go out?

I'm fascinated by how all this
will play out with the baby daddy.

- Marry me.
- Let's go downstairs for a minute.

- What are they saying?
- Get out there, find what's going on.

I love you and you love me.
So I am here and I am not leaving.

Mom?

Oh, my God. Oh, my fucking God.
Is he all right?

- Look at all my blood, Mom.
- Is it just his arm?

- There's blood.
- I can't even feel it.

There's two holes. One in, one out.
Through the meat. It missed the bone.

Is that a good thing?

Put our people on the street.
Bring me a name.

You don't shoot at a man
in front of his family.

It sounded like a slap. He slapped me
with a bullet, Mom. Isn't that weird?

Shane, it's weird
and it's fucked up and it's scary.

I wanna go to the fucking hospital
right fucking now.

Hospitals report bullet wounds.

I don't care. I don't care!

- Nancy, Nancy.
- Hand me the vodka.

What are you,
a doctor all of a sudden?

A nurse. In the army.

- Like Hot Lips Houlihan?
- Caliente Lips.

Fuck you! Fuck your mom in the ass
with a screwdriver!

What -- ? What was that?

The shooter.

Fucking A.

I don't get it.
I've been at this all morning.

I found a high-volume area, followed
the script. What am I doing wrong?

- This is our corner. Get your own.
- Oh, cram it, Brownie.

- I told you, I'm a nature scout.
- I know what I said.

No one wants your crap. Go away.

We're trying to send goats
to African people.

- They already have goats.
- Not these goats.

Pinch more of my sales,
I'll flick you in the God nipple.

- It's called a bindi.
- Everyone knows it's bindi.

- I love You're Pretty! Cosmetics.
- Really?

Do you know Celia Hodes?
I just started buying from her.

Yes. Celia. Love that woman.
This is the same stuff.

- Really?
- Yep.

Perfect. Yesterday I bought two
eye-shadow kits and I am already out.

So I'll take two more.

Two eye-shadow kits in one day.
That is hot.

My husband would kill
if he knew how much I spent on weed.

Yeah, right.

Wait, what -- ?
What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

She thinks you're selling pot
like your friend, you fucking idiot.

It's been a while since trauma rotation,
but I'd say you got pretty lucky here.

If you're gonna get shot, it's good
to get shot the way you got shot.

You didn't tell your mom about me
sending you out, did you?

I like the bandages.
That Audra does nice work, huh?

Percocet for the pain.
Take it easy with these, okay?

- They're not Mentos.
- That's a lot.

I'm just gonna take two
for my headache. Maybe three.

Did she ask about me?

You take this,
you watch movies, you feel better.

About your arm, life, everything.

All I'm saying is that every time I think
shit can't get more fucked up...

...shit gets way more fucked up.

I wanna go float in Lake Esteban.

That pool has got a tide.

And me floating in it.

Like a leaf to a filter.

Or a bug.

Please don't tell anyone
I was a nurse.

No one gets inside.
No one gets near you.

Do you like my watch? It's yours.

They will tease me.

Say "medic."

I'm sorry.

Why?

Because you got hurt.

- I'm okay.
- Shane, you got shot.

It was bound to happen
sooner or later.

No. It's not supposed to happen at all.
It's not. "When is he gonna get shot?"

Not something that crosses your mind
when pretending to be the tooth fairy.

It was this thing that happened today.
Other things, other days.

- Things will happen tomorrow.
- No, you're not getting hurt again.

- I promise you.
- I'm fine.

Shane. Shane, look at me.

You're never getting hurt again.

You should be worrying about
Stevie Ray.

He's just a baby.

You're still my baby.

Think I can have
that sandwich now?

Yeah.

Oh, please. Like I give a shit.

You're a hard man to find.

What are you doing?

It's a cup.

Of course.

I need a hookup.

Turn around. Let me see that culo.

Oh, kiss my culo.
I'm looking for drogas.

Weed. Not Mexi-dick.

I need a steady supply...

...and I'm not talking
nickel and dime bags here.

All right, I'm big.

Getting bigger. Major league.

So you cut me a deal now
and later, I'll let you be my heavy.

You can sniff out
all the assholes in my life...

...and then bury them in the yard.

- What's my cut?
- Ten percent bonus after first delivery.

- Gotta go.
- Twelve? Twelve percent?

Fifteen?

- Seventeen-point-five percent.
- Twenty.

Fine.

Give me a call in a couple days.
I'll have it ready.

That bullet was meant for me,
wasn't it?

You need to take your family
and leave.

So no need to keep me in suspense.
Who wants me dead?

A person who will not stop
until she gets what she wants.

You cannot kill Pilar.

You'd be shot
before you even got close.

Why don't I start with the person
who's been reporting to her?

What do you think Esteban will do...

...when he finds out
you set up the mother of his son?

- Think it through.
- Why didn't you just let it happen?

I realized your death
would be the end of him.

And his happiness is my happiness.

That's pretty gay, Nurse Cesar.

I tell you what, I'm gonna forget
your momentary lapse in loyalty.

You spared my life, I'm sparing yours.
But you owe me, big time.

And your hurt my kid.

So count to three.
Are you right-handed?

Count.

One, two --

Three.

- Oh, there you are.
- Jesus, Andy. Heart attack.

You're stealing from a drug lord.

Bold. Hot.

My clinic has to fight for every
cotton swab. This is sitting here.

- Don't rat me out.
- What's my silence worth to you?

How about patching up your
14-year-old nephew's bullet wound...

...and neglecting to report it
to the police?

No, not enough.

You also have to go out with me.
To hear music. Jazz.

Jazz? Really? You like jazz?

For sure.

Name one jazz musician.

Dr. Teeth.

- He's a Muppet.
- He's a jazz Muppet.

Pass.

What? Wait, wait, hold --

So you reject me
over chips and salsa...

...then you flirt with me
at little Stevie's weenie roast.

And now I'm asking you on a proper,
sophisticated jazz date and you pass?

I was too harsh on the date,
so I gave you a second look.

And you looked good.

Then I looked closer.
That's when I saw it.

What?
A cancerous mole or something?

How long have I got, doc?

- Give it to me straight.
- You're hung up on Nancy.

What? Oh, God. No. No, no, no.
It's complicated.

We're family. I'm her baby daddy.

Ink, not sperm. Meaningless.

I'm trying to man up. So, yeah, maybe
I'm a little tangled in Nancy's drama.

But it's a fledgling effort. Jesus, Audra,
why you shitting all over my effort?

Is this an occupational hazard,
aborting everything?

- It's not a life yet, Andy.
- Oh, you're just making excuses.

This is why you're single.

You're a hot doctor,
but you're alone...

...because you're making excuses
instead of taking a risk.

This is a pretty valid
fucking excuse.

You said "fucking." I'm telling.

Goodbye, Andy.

Dr. Lehman.

Jesus, another one?

Are you stealing?

Is it really hurting?

I can set up a movie for you.

Maybe I can find a porn channel.

I get it. If I got shot in my jerk-off arm,
I would be mad too.

I'm not mad.

How many pills did you take?

None.

Well, that's dumb.

I'll get you water.
Give me your pills, I'll open them.

No.

Why have them
if you won't take them?

Because they're mine.

I like the way it feels.

Like a knife popping the same balloon
over and over.

Only you don't have to blow up
a new one.

I can make the pain go away any time
with a pill.

But I don't want to.

I don't have to think about
anything else.

It's great.

Yeah.

Great.

Well...

...that's the last of it.
Who knew you had so much stuff.

Thank you for helping me
move in, Dean.

I really appreciate it.

What's 12 flights of stairs
between partners?

Exactly. And we could not risk
using the elevator.

There's an elevator?

Where did those idiots
get all of this pot anyhow?

Some guy named the Wizard.

Whoa, check it out.

Four dead bolts...

...steel-reinforced hinges...

...coded entry system.

You really got this place
locked down.

PIus, there is a security guard
downstairs...

...and Channel 3 on the television
picks up a live feed of the front gate.

I am protecting our investment.

You are scary good at this.

Thank you. I know.

What if I need to get in?

Maybe you need a secret knock.

Really?

Cool, like what?

I don't know.

Maybe you should make one up.

Okay.

Oh, I got one.

How's that?

Celia?

Security, there's a sweaty Jew
in my hallway.

- How much?
- A lot of money.

It'll be your bank account.

You can access it with an ATM card
from any country. Also --

- Mom.
- Pick a place. Somewhere far.

- Are you serious?
- Europe. Go to Europe.

Western Europe, the food's better.

- Amsterdam?
- Sure. Amsterdam. Start there.

I'll get you a Eurail pass.
You can go to museums...

...stay in hostels,
seduce traveling Australians.

- What's the catch?
- There is no catch.

This is what you do when young.
You travel Europe with a backpack.

Someone in this family
should be doing something normal.

Why not you?

I have been replaced
as candidate for governor.

You leave tomorrow.

It was Celia. She forced me to lie.
I didn't wanna do it.

And what did she promise you?
Sex? Money?

No. She -- Come to think of it,
she never promised me anything.

Betrayer. Cockbreaker.
How could you do this?

- I didn't have a choice.
- I am belly up, buddy.

You put a key on my kite
in a shitstorm.

I dropped 5 grand on lip liner.
You took away my business.

My splooge
doesn't wanna come out.

It's stuck in a pocket
between my balls.

Well, how do you think I feel, huh?
She squeezed me out.

I was gonna be a drug kingpin.

I was gonna be Tony Montana.
I got nothing.

What's with all the boxes?

Gotta give up the space.
Can't afford it.

- This a fresh pot?
- Yeah.

She looted me, buddy.

- Wanna call the feds?
- I'd be disbarred.

- I'd be fine.
- Hey, we're in this together.

- Not until we're even.
- Even?

Yeah. Teeny Deany.

Dip them in.

- What?
- Whip them out. Dip them in.

Are you out of your mind?
Get away from me.

You wanna go up against Celia?
You're gonna need my help.

Drop the pants.
Dunk the Dean nuts.

- My balls -- ? No. Not my balls.
- Yes, balls.

And I see you trying to get hard.
No way. Flaccid in the acid.

- But --
- Dunk.

You have the votes.

Why aren't you fighting?
You could win.

Oh, no. Pilar has an army.

You have the people. In America,
we call it "wagging the dog."

Well, in my country,
dogs travel in packs.

- So that's it. She wins.
- Yeah. She won.

And now we can be married.

And have a beautiful,
lavish wedding...

...with all our friends and family.

And I will feed you cake.

Small ceremony. No friends.
Limited family.

Chocolate cake. Entenmann's.

I cannot put you and your family
in anymore danger.

So you would run
if you didn't have a family?

I did not say that.

And you would win.

Yes. I would win.

Then do it.

So I gave it some thought.

And I respectfully decline your offer.

No, you're not declining. No.

- I'm not going.
- This is not up for discussion.

Esteban has decided
to run for governor independently.

I'll be sure and wear
his campaign shirt.

Which means, you not here.

Which means one son less
to keep track of, to worry about.

- Shane's here. Stevie's here.
- They're kids.

You're old enough
to take care of yourself.

Your brothers will be fine.

- Say "excuse me."
- No.

I'm announcing in a week.

- You should be gone before then.
- Listen to him.

I appreciate you being preemptive
for once in our lives, but --

How is it that I have to beg
an 18 year old to travel Europe...

...with a wad of cash
and my blessing?

How is it you expect me to believe
that my brothers will be fine?

No one is fine around you.

So I'm staying here.

In this house.

This beer is warm.

Someone get me another.

Where's the fucking staff?
I have thirst.

No more beer.

And you better protect us.

I can do that.

He can do that.

So I'll move my shit in.

The two of you can stop dicking
around already and get married.

And on we'll go.

One big happy.

Get in the pool, fags.

You're early.
I'm not even dressed yet.

What's that?

Wedding present.

I filled out all the forms...

...to put Esteban's name
on the birth certificate.

So sign them and we're done.

You didn't make a registry,
so this will have to do.

I actually did make a registry
weeks ago. Williams-Sonoma.

- We could use a new tortilla warmer.
- I'll get right on that.

Are you sure about this?

Yes.

Do you have a plan?

I'm gonna go back to the house
and spread out my life like a map.

Deliberate on the topography,
chart my path...

...maybe call a girl
who calls me on my shit.

You love him.

You're going down a road.

I'm going down a road.

I think I'm happy for you.

I think I'm happy for you too.

See you downstairs?

I guess you and I
are husband and wife...

...for the next 15 minutes.

You wanna fuck?
You in my fuck trailer.

I just had a baby, you know.

It would be like throwing a hot dog
down a hallway.

You gotta work those Kegels.

You know, I got a cousin...

...she practiced putting pressure
on a cucumber every day.

And then she stopped
because it got stuck in there.

And three months later
a pickle fell out.

I'll have to try that.

- Yeah, I could fuck you in the ass.
- That's tempting.

But I'm not here to socialize.

No? Then why you here?

Pilar Zuazo.

I want her dead.

Cake?