Weeds (2005–2012): Season 4, Episode 7 - Yes I Can - full transcript
Nancy, needing more cash, wants to get back into the selling game; Andy and Doug are determined to become "kinder and gentler" Coyotes; Lisa gives in to her attraction to Silas; Shane and Isabel stumble across some racy pictures that Judah took of Nancy when they were dating; Celia goes south of the border to buy her prescription drugs; Nancy gets very special treatment from Esteban after surprising him with a visit.
Previously on Weeds:
Am I under arrest?
You'll have to get me
naked to know for sure.
Are you trying to flirt with me?
That's pathetic.
I wanna try living with Mom.
You're throwing me
over for the beach?
Location, location, location.
Judah showed me naked
pictures of you, you know.
You had this
silver-sequined bowler hat.
He swore he'd destroy those.
This is Lisa. My mom.
Do you wanna take a walk?
Yes. Yeah.
Well, let's go.
Nice.
Whoa! Check out sexy.
She's entered this
country illegally.
We could bring her back here
if we were coyotes.
I'm in.
Nancy Botwin.
You have four
outstanding parking tickets
and a strange tattoo
on the upper-left cheek
of your backside.
You should not be
asking questions.
Questions about me.
You must be punished.
♪ La-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la ♪
♪ La-la-la-la ♪
Hey.
Fuck, Andy.
Snooze, you lose.
You need to move
out of my house.
Hey, Nance. What time is it?
Time for you to get the
fuck out of my house.
Wow, you sound really angry.
Do you need sex? Help you relax.
Because I am willing to whip out
my Jeremy Piven right now
and give you what you need.
That's how much I care.
Mm.
The red bra you got hanging
in the shower is totally hot.
Jesus, this is a frat house.
I'm living in a frat house.
Who buys old dishes?
Well, people
collect dishes, corks,
old gynecological instruments.
Mom, why are you Googling
the mayor of Tijuana?
What?
The history menu.
It's sandwiched between
caffeine side effects
and the Ren Mar
Unified School District.
It doesn't feel like Silas.
It's important to know
our neighbors to the south.
Speaking of which,
where's Davenport?
I wanna ask him
if he can drywall.
We're gonna be doing
some remodeling around here.
Thank God. I need my own room.
I can't handle the nightly
earthquakes anymore.
Earthquakes?
I was scratching. I
think there's fleas.
I swear to God, perv,
we're in a bunk bed.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Hey, it's a family tradition.
Okay, Delta pledges,
stop embarrassing
your fellow brethren.
And, freshmen, find somewhere
else to scratch your fleas.
I say we tear the place
down and start from scratch.
Yeah, you would.
Like all those
tasteless assholes
up and down the block
who replace charming beach
cottages with monstrous boxes.
"Oh, we need more room."
Then work with what
you have or fucking move!
I'm just asking for
a second bathroom.
That's okay, then.
You feeling flush?
Bathrooms are expensive
and I need a long tub.
We could save money if
we didn't use a contractor.
I could do it.
It's a big job, sweetie.
But I'm cheap and I
don't ask questions.
You're hired.
You realize it's not
our house to remodel.
It's Lenny's.
I want my own fucking bathroom.
Jeez. What are you
complaining about?
We got Celia out of here.
You. Boys.
Boys are disgusting.
Okay, okay, let's settle down.
You got that kind
of cash around?
Gonna explore
some opportunities.
Oh, my God, he's huge.
Wow. Two weeks old?
Gigantism runs
in Clinique's family.
Of course it does.
God. C-section?
Nope. Shot out like a PEZ.
I got a great pelvis.
That's what everybody say.
Uh,
so, um...
business.
How much of the valley do
you think you could cover?
I might be coming
into some bulk product.
A hundred pounds
would be gone in a week.
Seriously?
You left a vacuum, Nancy.
People are sad. Things are
burned. They need their weed.
Okay. Good.
Very good to know.
God, he's... He's... He's huge.
Yeah, tell me about it.
Goodbye, Miata, hello, minivan.
Fuck your Miata with
a strap-on, little bitch.
We getting an Escalade.
Let's do this shit.
I have health insurance
now and a guesthouse.
But the man, Mr. Caplan,
he don't wipe so good.
Always leaving shit
slicks everywhere.
In the underwear, on
the toilet seat, the sheets.
I don't know how
she live with him.
You wanna sell drugs?
I have to leave my guesthouse?
I like living in Beverly Hills.
He's an agent.
Sell to his agent friends.
They like to party
with all the money
they made off other
people's work, right?
Yes, they love to party.
You have cocaine?
They like that too.
No. No cocaine, just pot.
You should really think
about the cocaine, Nancy.
No. And the Ecstasy.
No.
Okay. I get that
from Geffen's maid.
What? Why are you
looking at me funny?
Because you ain't said nothing.
Haven't you noticed
something different about me?
I lost 10 pounds.
Oh, right. Of course you did.
Good for you.
You... You look terrific.
Thanks. Feels good, you know.
Finally back to my
high school weight.
Well, you should be so proud.
And I bet the women are
beating down your door.
Now, that's what I'm hoping
for. New town, new pussy.
New customer base.
My cousin Vernon,
he'll take care of that.
He just need the product.
You sure Guillermo ain't
got no connections up there
to fuck things up?
You know, that
guy, he made me cry.
Oakland's a long way
from Los Angeles, Marvin.
You don't have to
worry about Guillermo.
Sweet.
Yes, sweet.
Keep the fanny pack
tucked inside your hoodie
until we're back
on American soil.
They have quick hands.
Why can't you buy
your drugs in the U.S.
like a normal person?
Because I have
no health insurance,
no money and an arrest record.
Let's look at this as
a cultural expedition
to a primitive land.
Hola, señoritas.
Xanax? Valium? Ativan?
Restylane.
No Xanax?
No Xanax. Restylane.
Dos cc's.
Where are we gonna live when
Dad's FEMA vouchers run out?
Oh, I'll find a place.
With what money?
With the money I am
making from my job.
As a salesclerk?
Yes!
And where am I
gonna go to school?
I don't know.
Wherever Shane
goes. I'll talk to Nancy.
Xanax?
No Xanax. Restylane.
Generic cheaper.
Mexican, generic,
hyaluronic acid.
Do I wanna look
like the Joker? No.
No generic.
It's a front, isn't it?
What's a front?
The maternity
store. It's a drug front.
Yeah, we passed a
taco cart back there.
Why don't you get
one? I don't want one.
Well, I do. Get me one.
Get it yourself.
I just spent months
getting everything for Dad.
Get me a fucking taco.
Look, you wanted this, not me.
Well, you got it.
Welcome to my life.
Broke, homeless,
not a man in sight.
Although it's not your issue.
No prospects, no direction.
No hope for relief
from the crushing
defeat and futility
and just pure bad
luck that is my fate.
Walk with me here, okay?
Arm in arm, mother
and child, doomed.
Xanax?
Yes.
I want some.
I didn't know you were a smoker.
Not for personal use.
I can unload 300 pounds.
You trying to get back in
the dealing game, blanca?
I told you, those
days are behind you.
You're here now. And
I intend to stay here.
There's just no reason
why I can't do both.
I'll give you a reason.
We got it covered.
Not my customer base.
How about you give me their
names and their phone numbers?
I'd be happy to
service their needs.
What? We partners, right?
Are you gonna give me half?
Well, I was thinking
a 10 percent finder's
fee is generous.
They're my customers.
Yeah, and you ain't your own
business no more, all right?
You're the mom-and-pop shop
that got swallowed
by the megacorp.
Well, how about I
buy some off you
for 5 percent over wholesale?
How about I sell you 300
pounds at 25 bucks a gram?
Fuck you, 25 bucks a gram.
That's more than street value.
That's my offer, right?
You don't like it,
do something else.
You sure about this?
Trust me. It's their home base.
They're always here.
See? Look at this.
They're like Jews and
wedding hors d'oeuvres.
Hey, that's not cool.
Oh, sorry, man.
Forgot you were a Jew.
Should never have
said that in front of you.
Hi. We're doing
some market research
and we wanted to ask
you fellas some questions.
We're trying to launch
a coyote business
and we want to know about
your immigration experience.
Im-immigration?
Yes, immigration.
Immigration!
That went well.
Well, look who it is,
my walking buddy.
Glad you stopped by.
Sometimes a man just
needs some cheese.
Oh, well, that's
what I depend on.
Men and their need for cheese.
You're sweaty.
It's hot out. I walked.
Hm. No car?
You only interested
in guys with cars?
No, no, no. I have my own car.
Sweet.
Yeah, it's awesome.
Are you making fun of me?
A little.
Where are you going?
I turn 18 in a few weeks.
Be able to vote.
Buy lottery tickets.
Drink... in Canada.
Yeah. I have a 10-year-old son.
I know. I met him.
Mm.
Oh, God,
you are so fucking young.
Young and impatient.
I'm not waiting.
I have a sink in the back.
Sink?
Something to hold on to.
Hold on to me.
Hola.
Hi, Caesar.
Another unexpected
surprise, I know.
Took my car this time, though.
Una favor, por favor.
GPS?
Oh, no. No GPS.
Um, Esteban, I need
to hablo with Esteban.
No one here knows an Esteban.
Oh, come on.
It's a common Mexican
name. Steven, right?
Okay. Okay, I'm sorry.
Um, does he have
a...? A code name?
Señor Grande?
Please back the fuck off.
What do you need?
To have a conversation.
It's business.
You don't do business with him.
Right, because he's the mayor.
Face on all the trash cans,
making things better for you.
Well, look,
you can either bring me to him
or I can track him down myself.
Make an appearance at city hall.
I'll make a big scene
till I get his attention.
Thank you, Caesar.
Oh, smile. You get
to drive a hybrid.
Maria?
No?
No, sir.
Okay. All right. Gave it a shot.
Who wants another muffuletta?
Yeah. Thank you.
Take it. Enjoy.
So, Claudio,
you think your friends
and assorted relatives
might be interested
in our services?
A kinder, gentler coyote
is a rare thing, El Andy.
How can I be sure
you're not deceiving me?
Looking to recruit, transport
and harbor my people
for the purposes of
exploitation or organ theft?
Oh, come on, amigo. Would
an organ thief make you lunch?
That is why Miguel
has only one kidney.
Really? Oh, you can't tell.
You speak amazing English.
Well, in Colombia,
I was deputy
transportation administrator.
Let's talk numbers.
What's the going
rate per smuggle?
Depends on how far they come.
But if it's just for a
straight border crossing,
usually about $3000.
Per body?
Not bad. Not bad.
And what are the easiest
ways to get through?
Truthfully, wait until the
border patrol changes shifts
and scale a fence.
Or find a place where
there's no fence.
Won't the agents shoot us?
No, it's too much
hassle for them.
Blood, bodies, paperwork.
They don't get you in the
first two minutes, you're golden.
You know what
your real problem is?
The Minutemen.
Vigilante.
Pains in the ass.
What the hell?
If you're trying to snag
this remodeling contract
out from under
me, I'll ruin you.
No. No, no, no. Doug
and I are just doing, uh,
some market research.
But now that you mention it,
maybe these fellas
can help you out too.
You guys know how
to build a bathroom?
With a giant tub?
Bueno.
Yeah. Great. Yeah. Cool.
Gracias.
"We are here to inaugurate
this mobile medical unit.
"It will provide
quality medical care
"to all citizens of Tijuana.
With the violence that we
have now, it is very important."
He wants to thank a very
generous private benefactor.
He is the generous
private benefactor.
I love this part.
The part where you sit there
wondering just
how fucked you are.
Well, how fucked am I?
Shh. Don't talk.
Talking ruins it.
Go get Miss Hodes
a glass of water.
Now, Agent Shlatter.
Yes, sir.
This will serve as
official notification
that all charges pending
against Celia Hodes
Have been dropped
per my recommendation.
Dropped.
Initial the form where it says
and be sure to sign
on the last page,
then leave it at reception.
Captain Till.
Roy.
Now that this is all over,
you know, I was wondering,
since I'm all the way up here,
you know, if you
don't have plans...
I'm seeing someone.
Thank you.
Goodbye, Miss Hodes.
Esteban Carlos Reyes.
You come from
money in Mexico City,
attended Columbia University.
Go, Lions.
In 1990, you bought
the largest zoo in Mexico.
Tragic story with
the mauled panda.
Very upsetting.
You moved to Tijuana in 1995
to build and manage a casino.
You now own three
malls and five hotels,
you'll be glad to know.
In 2004, you were elected mayor,
and then you set up the
Esteban Reyes Foundation,
which offers scholarships
to underprivileged children,
and you once dated Liz Hurley.
Oh, no, we were just friends.
I can only imagine what
didn't make it onto the interweb.
But enough about
you. Let's talk about me.
Yeah. All right, let's do that.
I now know that I'm O-positive.
Congratulations. Yeah.
Carlos... May I call you Carlos?
No.
Why not?
What do you want, Nancy?
I want a piece of the
next weed shipment.
I can turn it around quickly.
And you come to me with this?
I do work for you.
No, you work for Guillermo.
There's a chain of command.
But he said "no."
So? Why would you
think I'd say "yes"?
Because he's just punishing
me for getting in trouble.
And you don't think you
deserve to be punished?
No, not like that.
Not by him. Hm.
By me?
Sure. By you, the boss.
Please give me a piece
of the next weed shipment.
Oh!
Thank you for your
time, Mr. Mayor.
The cheapest way is to tap
into the plumbing through here.
Remove the closest wall
and make this the bathroom.
And then we'll knock
down this wall first.
Just give me a number.
Whoa!
That's your mom.
What? No.
Well, then can I have them?
No.
Come on. I wanna see them.
No.
So, what do you think?
Uh, I'll let you know.
Hello?
Well, what's going on?
Nothing.
Hi, Mrs. Botwin.
Hi, Isabelle.
What?
Why are you looking at me funny?
Are these the bathroom guys?
Yeah. This is, uh, Claudio.
He was once the
deputy transportation
administrator of Colombia.
Hola.
Hola.
He... They're working
up an estimate.
Well, unfortunately,
we might have to...
wait...
Wait on that.
Uh, w-where's Silas?
He went to the cheese shop.
Calcium. That's nice.
Honey, why are you hiding
Sammy Davis' autobiography
behind your back?
Uh,
he had a baby with
a white woman, Mom.
I found it shocking.
He was protecting me.
Okay.
We don't get many bean
counters volunteering.
We're mostly servicemen or cops.
Or used to be, at least.
Yeah. Well, you know,
this has always been
a secret dream of mine.
And now with the wife gone,
I got nothing holding me back.
I'm ready to kick some ass.
You looking to
stimulate the adrenals
or you just not like Hispanics?
Well, it's not so much
that I don't like them, sir,
it's just that there's a
group of people I like more:
my fellow countrymen.
Good answer.
We don't tolerate
bigotry, officially.
Wish there were more
like you, Mr. Wilson.
We're vastly undermanned.
So do we get to pack heat?
Our mission is to
secure United States
borders and coastal boundaries
against unlawful and
unauthorized entry.
Individuals, contraband
and foreign military.
Now, if you choose to
arm yourself, you do so
for the purpose of
self-defense only.
But you'll never
have to take action
because you'll
abide by the rules
of no contact and no engagement.
Can I throw rocks?
No, sir.
So how do we nab these fuckers?
We report. We
observe and we report.
Ah.
"Report."
Gotcha.
Like to start tonight?
The sun's going down.
It all starts to happen
when the sun goes down.
Some crazy shit out there.
Crazy shit.
♪ My love is like A powder keg ♪
♪ My love is like a
powder Keg in the corner ♪
♪ Of an empty warehouse ♪
♪ Somewhere just
outside Of town ♪
♪ About to burn down ♪
♪ Our love is like the border
Between Greece and Albania ♪
♪ Our love is like the border
Between Greece and Albania ♪
♪ Trucks loaded
down With weapons ♪
♪ Crossing over every night ♪
♪ Moon yellow and bright ♪
♪ There is a shortage
In the blood supply ♪
♪ But there is no
Shortage of blood ♪
♪ The way I feel about
you Baby, can't explain it ♪
♪ You got the best Of my love ♪
Hi.
I came to you first.
You said "no."
It's just business, Guillermo.
Thanks.
♪ We banditos,
cheap ho's She swills ♪
♪ Six pack of Keystone
Localized street thug ♪
♪ We don't need no
Power to the people ♪
♪ Heat stroke, chico
One, two, three four ♪
♪ We banditos Six
pack of Keystone ♪
♪ Smelling like street ♪
♪ I can't see so good I
think it's heat stroke ♪
♪ Outside, in line
At the bus depot ♪
♪ We die, muchacho ♪
♪ And no one
dare To let you go ♪
Am I under arrest?
You'll have to get me
naked to know for sure.
Are you trying to flirt with me?
That's pathetic.
I wanna try living with Mom.
You're throwing me
over for the beach?
Location, location, location.
Judah showed me naked
pictures of you, you know.
You had this
silver-sequined bowler hat.
He swore he'd destroy those.
This is Lisa. My mom.
Do you wanna take a walk?
Yes. Yeah.
Well, let's go.
Nice.
Whoa! Check out sexy.
She's entered this
country illegally.
We could bring her back here
if we were coyotes.
I'm in.
Nancy Botwin.
You have four
outstanding parking tickets
and a strange tattoo
on the upper-left cheek
of your backside.
You should not be
asking questions.
Questions about me.
You must be punished.
♪ La-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la ♪
♪ La-la-la-la ♪
Hey.
Fuck, Andy.
Snooze, you lose.
You need to move
out of my house.
Hey, Nance. What time is it?
Time for you to get the
fuck out of my house.
Wow, you sound really angry.
Do you need sex? Help you relax.
Because I am willing to whip out
my Jeremy Piven right now
and give you what you need.
That's how much I care.
Mm.
The red bra you got hanging
in the shower is totally hot.
Jesus, this is a frat house.
I'm living in a frat house.
Who buys old dishes?
Well, people
collect dishes, corks,
old gynecological instruments.
Mom, why are you Googling
the mayor of Tijuana?
What?
The history menu.
It's sandwiched between
caffeine side effects
and the Ren Mar
Unified School District.
It doesn't feel like Silas.
It's important to know
our neighbors to the south.
Speaking of which,
where's Davenport?
I wanna ask him
if he can drywall.
We're gonna be doing
some remodeling around here.
Thank God. I need my own room.
I can't handle the nightly
earthquakes anymore.
Earthquakes?
I was scratching. I
think there's fleas.
I swear to God, perv,
we're in a bunk bed.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Hey, it's a family tradition.
Okay, Delta pledges,
stop embarrassing
your fellow brethren.
And, freshmen, find somewhere
else to scratch your fleas.
I say we tear the place
down and start from scratch.
Yeah, you would.
Like all those
tasteless assholes
up and down the block
who replace charming beach
cottages with monstrous boxes.
"Oh, we need more room."
Then work with what
you have or fucking move!
I'm just asking for
a second bathroom.
That's okay, then.
You feeling flush?
Bathrooms are expensive
and I need a long tub.
We could save money if
we didn't use a contractor.
I could do it.
It's a big job, sweetie.
But I'm cheap and I
don't ask questions.
You're hired.
You realize it's not
our house to remodel.
It's Lenny's.
I want my own fucking bathroom.
Jeez. What are you
complaining about?
We got Celia out of here.
You. Boys.
Boys are disgusting.
Okay, okay, let's settle down.
You got that kind
of cash around?
Gonna explore
some opportunities.
Oh, my God, he's huge.
Wow. Two weeks old?
Gigantism runs
in Clinique's family.
Of course it does.
God. C-section?
Nope. Shot out like a PEZ.
I got a great pelvis.
That's what everybody say.
Uh,
so, um...
business.
How much of the valley do
you think you could cover?
I might be coming
into some bulk product.
A hundred pounds
would be gone in a week.
Seriously?
You left a vacuum, Nancy.
People are sad. Things are
burned. They need their weed.
Okay. Good.
Very good to know.
God, he's... He's... He's huge.
Yeah, tell me about it.
Goodbye, Miata, hello, minivan.
Fuck your Miata with
a strap-on, little bitch.
We getting an Escalade.
Let's do this shit.
I have health insurance
now and a guesthouse.
But the man, Mr. Caplan,
he don't wipe so good.
Always leaving shit
slicks everywhere.
In the underwear, on
the toilet seat, the sheets.
I don't know how
she live with him.
You wanna sell drugs?
I have to leave my guesthouse?
I like living in Beverly Hills.
He's an agent.
Sell to his agent friends.
They like to party
with all the money
they made off other
people's work, right?
Yes, they love to party.
You have cocaine?
They like that too.
No. No cocaine, just pot.
You should really think
about the cocaine, Nancy.
No. And the Ecstasy.
No.
Okay. I get that
from Geffen's maid.
What? Why are you
looking at me funny?
Because you ain't said nothing.
Haven't you noticed
something different about me?
I lost 10 pounds.
Oh, right. Of course you did.
Good for you.
You... You look terrific.
Thanks. Feels good, you know.
Finally back to my
high school weight.
Well, you should be so proud.
And I bet the women are
beating down your door.
Now, that's what I'm hoping
for. New town, new pussy.
New customer base.
My cousin Vernon,
he'll take care of that.
He just need the product.
You sure Guillermo ain't
got no connections up there
to fuck things up?
You know, that
guy, he made me cry.
Oakland's a long way
from Los Angeles, Marvin.
You don't have to
worry about Guillermo.
Sweet.
Yes, sweet.
Keep the fanny pack
tucked inside your hoodie
until we're back
on American soil.
They have quick hands.
Why can't you buy
your drugs in the U.S.
like a normal person?
Because I have
no health insurance,
no money and an arrest record.
Let's look at this as
a cultural expedition
to a primitive land.
Hola, señoritas.
Xanax? Valium? Ativan?
Restylane.
No Xanax?
No Xanax. Restylane.
Dos cc's.
Where are we gonna live when
Dad's FEMA vouchers run out?
Oh, I'll find a place.
With what money?
With the money I am
making from my job.
As a salesclerk?
Yes!
And where am I
gonna go to school?
I don't know.
Wherever Shane
goes. I'll talk to Nancy.
Xanax?
No Xanax. Restylane.
Generic cheaper.
Mexican, generic,
hyaluronic acid.
Do I wanna look
like the Joker? No.
No generic.
It's a front, isn't it?
What's a front?
The maternity
store. It's a drug front.
Yeah, we passed a
taco cart back there.
Why don't you get
one? I don't want one.
Well, I do. Get me one.
Get it yourself.
I just spent months
getting everything for Dad.
Get me a fucking taco.
Look, you wanted this, not me.
Well, you got it.
Welcome to my life.
Broke, homeless,
not a man in sight.
Although it's not your issue.
No prospects, no direction.
No hope for relief
from the crushing
defeat and futility
and just pure bad
luck that is my fate.
Walk with me here, okay?
Arm in arm, mother
and child, doomed.
Xanax?
Yes.
I want some.
I didn't know you were a smoker.
Not for personal use.
I can unload 300 pounds.
You trying to get back in
the dealing game, blanca?
I told you, those
days are behind you.
You're here now. And
I intend to stay here.
There's just no reason
why I can't do both.
I'll give you a reason.
We got it covered.
Not my customer base.
How about you give me their
names and their phone numbers?
I'd be happy to
service their needs.
What? We partners, right?
Are you gonna give me half?
Well, I was thinking
a 10 percent finder's
fee is generous.
They're my customers.
Yeah, and you ain't your own
business no more, all right?
You're the mom-and-pop shop
that got swallowed
by the megacorp.
Well, how about I
buy some off you
for 5 percent over wholesale?
How about I sell you 300
pounds at 25 bucks a gram?
Fuck you, 25 bucks a gram.
That's more than street value.
That's my offer, right?
You don't like it,
do something else.
You sure about this?
Trust me. It's their home base.
They're always here.
See? Look at this.
They're like Jews and
wedding hors d'oeuvres.
Hey, that's not cool.
Oh, sorry, man.
Forgot you were a Jew.
Should never have
said that in front of you.
Hi. We're doing
some market research
and we wanted to ask
you fellas some questions.
We're trying to launch
a coyote business
and we want to know about
your immigration experience.
Im-immigration?
Yes, immigration.
Immigration!
That went well.
Well, look who it is,
my walking buddy.
Glad you stopped by.
Sometimes a man just
needs some cheese.
Oh, well, that's
what I depend on.
Men and their need for cheese.
You're sweaty.
It's hot out. I walked.
Hm. No car?
You only interested
in guys with cars?
No, no, no. I have my own car.
Sweet.
Yeah, it's awesome.
Are you making fun of me?
A little.
Where are you going?
I turn 18 in a few weeks.
Be able to vote.
Buy lottery tickets.
Drink... in Canada.
Yeah. I have a 10-year-old son.
I know. I met him.
Mm.
Oh, God,
you are so fucking young.
Young and impatient.
I'm not waiting.
I have a sink in the back.
Sink?
Something to hold on to.
Hold on to me.
Hola.
Hi, Caesar.
Another unexpected
surprise, I know.
Took my car this time, though.
Una favor, por favor.
GPS?
Oh, no. No GPS.
Um, Esteban, I need
to hablo with Esteban.
No one here knows an Esteban.
Oh, come on.
It's a common Mexican
name. Steven, right?
Okay. Okay, I'm sorry.
Um, does he have
a...? A code name?
Señor Grande?
Please back the fuck off.
What do you need?
To have a conversation.
It's business.
You don't do business with him.
Right, because he's the mayor.
Face on all the trash cans,
making things better for you.
Well, look,
you can either bring me to him
or I can track him down myself.
Make an appearance at city hall.
I'll make a big scene
till I get his attention.
Thank you, Caesar.
Oh, smile. You get
to drive a hybrid.
Maria?
No?
No, sir.
Okay. All right. Gave it a shot.
Who wants another muffuletta?
Yeah. Thank you.
Take it. Enjoy.
So, Claudio,
you think your friends
and assorted relatives
might be interested
in our services?
A kinder, gentler coyote
is a rare thing, El Andy.
How can I be sure
you're not deceiving me?
Looking to recruit, transport
and harbor my people
for the purposes of
exploitation or organ theft?
Oh, come on, amigo. Would
an organ thief make you lunch?
That is why Miguel
has only one kidney.
Really? Oh, you can't tell.
You speak amazing English.
Well, in Colombia,
I was deputy
transportation administrator.
Let's talk numbers.
What's the going
rate per smuggle?
Depends on how far they come.
But if it's just for a
straight border crossing,
usually about $3000.
Per body?
Not bad. Not bad.
And what are the easiest
ways to get through?
Truthfully, wait until the
border patrol changes shifts
and scale a fence.
Or find a place where
there's no fence.
Won't the agents shoot us?
No, it's too much
hassle for them.
Blood, bodies, paperwork.
They don't get you in the
first two minutes, you're golden.
You know what
your real problem is?
The Minutemen.
Vigilante.
Pains in the ass.
What the hell?
If you're trying to snag
this remodeling contract
out from under
me, I'll ruin you.
No. No, no, no. Doug
and I are just doing, uh,
some market research.
But now that you mention it,
maybe these fellas
can help you out too.
You guys know how
to build a bathroom?
With a giant tub?
Bueno.
Yeah. Great. Yeah. Cool.
Gracias.
"We are here to inaugurate
this mobile medical unit.
"It will provide
quality medical care
"to all citizens of Tijuana.
With the violence that we
have now, it is very important."
He wants to thank a very
generous private benefactor.
He is the generous
private benefactor.
I love this part.
The part where you sit there
wondering just
how fucked you are.
Well, how fucked am I?
Shh. Don't talk.
Talking ruins it.
Go get Miss Hodes
a glass of water.
Now, Agent Shlatter.
Yes, sir.
This will serve as
official notification
that all charges pending
against Celia Hodes
Have been dropped
per my recommendation.
Dropped.
Initial the form where it says
and be sure to sign
on the last page,
then leave it at reception.
Captain Till.
Roy.
Now that this is all over,
you know, I was wondering,
since I'm all the way up here,
you know, if you
don't have plans...
I'm seeing someone.
Thank you.
Goodbye, Miss Hodes.
Esteban Carlos Reyes.
You come from
money in Mexico City,
attended Columbia University.
Go, Lions.
In 1990, you bought
the largest zoo in Mexico.
Tragic story with
the mauled panda.
Very upsetting.
You moved to Tijuana in 1995
to build and manage a casino.
You now own three
malls and five hotels,
you'll be glad to know.
In 2004, you were elected mayor,
and then you set up the
Esteban Reyes Foundation,
which offers scholarships
to underprivileged children,
and you once dated Liz Hurley.
Oh, no, we were just friends.
I can only imagine what
didn't make it onto the interweb.
But enough about
you. Let's talk about me.
Yeah. All right, let's do that.
I now know that I'm O-positive.
Congratulations. Yeah.
Carlos... May I call you Carlos?
No.
Why not?
What do you want, Nancy?
I want a piece of the
next weed shipment.
I can turn it around quickly.
And you come to me with this?
I do work for you.
No, you work for Guillermo.
There's a chain of command.
But he said "no."
So? Why would you
think I'd say "yes"?
Because he's just punishing
me for getting in trouble.
And you don't think you
deserve to be punished?
No, not like that.
Not by him. Hm.
By me?
Sure. By you, the boss.
Please give me a piece
of the next weed shipment.
Oh!
Thank you for your
time, Mr. Mayor.
The cheapest way is to tap
into the plumbing through here.
Remove the closest wall
and make this the bathroom.
And then we'll knock
down this wall first.
Just give me a number.
Whoa!
That's your mom.
What? No.
Well, then can I have them?
No.
Come on. I wanna see them.
No.
So, what do you think?
Uh, I'll let you know.
Hello?
Well, what's going on?
Nothing.
Hi, Mrs. Botwin.
Hi, Isabelle.
What?
Why are you looking at me funny?
Are these the bathroom guys?
Yeah. This is, uh, Claudio.
He was once the
deputy transportation
administrator of Colombia.
Hola.
Hola.
He... They're working
up an estimate.
Well, unfortunately,
we might have to...
wait...
Wait on that.
Uh, w-where's Silas?
He went to the cheese shop.
Calcium. That's nice.
Honey, why are you hiding
Sammy Davis' autobiography
behind your back?
Uh,
he had a baby with
a white woman, Mom.
I found it shocking.
He was protecting me.
Okay.
We don't get many bean
counters volunteering.
We're mostly servicemen or cops.
Or used to be, at least.
Yeah. Well, you know,
this has always been
a secret dream of mine.
And now with the wife gone,
I got nothing holding me back.
I'm ready to kick some ass.
You looking to
stimulate the adrenals
or you just not like Hispanics?
Well, it's not so much
that I don't like them, sir,
it's just that there's a
group of people I like more:
my fellow countrymen.
Good answer.
We don't tolerate
bigotry, officially.
Wish there were more
like you, Mr. Wilson.
We're vastly undermanned.
So do we get to pack heat?
Our mission is to
secure United States
borders and coastal boundaries
against unlawful and
unauthorized entry.
Individuals, contraband
and foreign military.
Now, if you choose to
arm yourself, you do so
for the purpose of
self-defense only.
But you'll never
have to take action
because you'll
abide by the rules
of no contact and no engagement.
Can I throw rocks?
No, sir.
So how do we nab these fuckers?
We report. We
observe and we report.
Ah.
"Report."
Gotcha.
Like to start tonight?
The sun's going down.
It all starts to happen
when the sun goes down.
Some crazy shit out there.
Crazy shit.
♪ My love is like A powder keg ♪
♪ My love is like a
powder Keg in the corner ♪
♪ Of an empty warehouse ♪
♪ Somewhere just
outside Of town ♪
♪ About to burn down ♪
♪ Our love is like the border
Between Greece and Albania ♪
♪ Our love is like the border
Between Greece and Albania ♪
♪ Trucks loaded
down With weapons ♪
♪ Crossing over every night ♪
♪ Moon yellow and bright ♪
♪ There is a shortage
In the blood supply ♪
♪ But there is no
Shortage of blood ♪
♪ The way I feel about
you Baby, can't explain it ♪
♪ You got the best Of my love ♪
Hi.
I came to you first.
You said "no."
It's just business, Guillermo.
Thanks.
♪ We banditos,
cheap ho's She swills ♪
♪ Six pack of Keystone
Localized street thug ♪
♪ We don't need no
Power to the people ♪
♪ Heat stroke, chico
One, two, three four ♪
♪ We banditos Six
pack of Keystone ♪
♪ Smelling like street ♪
♪ I can't see so good I
think it's heat stroke ♪
♪ Outside, in line
At the bus depot ♪
♪ We die, muchacho ♪
♪ And no one
dare To let you go ♪