Weeds (2005–2012): Season 4, Episode 8 - I Am the Table - full transcript

Previously on Weeds:

We're gonna do some remodeling
around here.

We could save money
if we didn't use a contractor.

- I could do it.
- You're hired.

I turn 18 in a few weeks.
I'm not waiting.

We should be coyotes.

That guy who brought over
Davenport and Marzipan...

...was such an asshole.

Why can't you buy your drugs
in the U.S. like a normal person?

I have no health insurance,
no money, and an arrest record.

- Xanax?
- Yes.



I want some.

How about I sell you 300 pounds
at 25 bucks a gram.

Fuck you.
That's more than street value.

- You don't like it, do something else.
- I need to hablo with Esteban.

We are here to inaugurate
this mobile medical unit.

- A piece of the next weed shipment.
- You work for Guillermo.

- There's a chain of command.
- He said no.

I came to you first.

Thanks.

Boss says time to start.

Boss?

Bubblicious or Rhythm Field?

I like Bubblicious,
but it's on back order.

And Rhythm Field fell off a truck,
so there may not be enough.



What happened to the solid subway
tile field with hex tiles on the floor?

I wanna give you options.

You're the contractor,
not the designer.

I can't express my opinion?

Can't we discuss this after school?

Surf dicks and gym class.
Can't wait.

It's your first day. Give it a chance.

A chance for what,
more emotional scarring?

I don't see why I have to go.
Silas doesn't.

- You're our one shot at legitimacy.
- No, I'm not. I'm very corrupt.

- I'm a contractor.
- Shane, stop it.

You're gonna go to school
and you're gonna grow up...

...become a doctor or a lawyer
or a business executive.

That's my copper pipe.

You're late.
I hope you have a good excuse.

- Is your mother home?
- I'm the guy you need to deal with.

Shane, you need to call off
your worker bees.

Cesar? Good morning.

You know my pipe guy?
You wanna choose tiles, fine...

- ...but I hire the subs, Mom.
- Shane, not your pipe guy.

He would like to see you.

I have to take my kid to school.

Then I have work.
So maybe later on this afternoon?

No? Okay.

Great. I'm being dropped off in a limo
with Mexican plates.

So much for flying under the radar.

I'm so dead.

New school, first-day jitters.

Well, sometimes you eat the bear.
Sometimes the bear eats you.

Yeah, I'll remember that...

...when they're wrapping the tetherball
cord around my neck.

Some people are victims
because they allow themselves to be.

That's right, Shane. Don't allow it.

Eat the bear.

Here's $10 for lunch
in case you're still hungry after.

Can't I do drug things
with you guys?

He's going to get his ass kicked.

He's used to it.

Mom. Mom.

Motherfucker.

Sorry, baby.

Jail reflex.

- You've gotta take me to school.
- Isn't there a bus or something?

The Cordial Suites La Jolla
isn't on their route.

- Just drop me on your way to work.
- Okay.

Okay.

And you gotta change and shower
and you need to give me $10 for lunch.

And you have to fill out
the enrollment forms.

- Hand Mommy her pills.
- How about a breakfast bar?

- Maybe I'll walk.
- Good girl.

Garza, slow down, slow down.
Plenty of matzo to go around.

This is what my people ate as we
wandered the desert for 40 years.

At least in the beginning.

Then we switched to manna,
which fell from the sky.

Doesn't happen anymore.

I'm thinking it's either global warming
or God is dead.

I haven't committed
either way yet, so....

Thoughts?

Forty years?

Moses wasn't half the coyote I am.

Okay, everybody check
their supply bag.

You should all have breath mints,
a portable fan...

...and a copy of
Padre Rico, Padre Pobre.

If anyone's illiterate,
I have a few copies on tape.

That's a nice tree, huh?
Looks like someone had a fiesta here.

Rape tree.

These are from girls who have
been under this tree with evil men.

Okay, everyone,
let's move over there...

...where the scenery
is a little less rape-y.

- Hi.
- Hi. You guys sell sandwiches?

No. Sorry.

People just don't get it. We're a
gourmet shop, not a sandwich shop.

What about gourmet sandwiches?

I mean, you got your bread,
your meat, every spread on the planet.

Just slap them all together,
take out your big knife --

Stab you with it?

Shouldn't you be in school?

Is money not the goal
of this operation?

Big divorce settlement, huh?
Trust fund?

Money is very much the goal
of this operation.

I got screwed
in the divorce settlement.

And, no, there is no trust fund.

You might wanna think about
making some sandwiches.

You are forbidden to say the word
"sandwich" in my presence.

Fine.

Or "sammich." Or "sammy."
It's all unacceptable.

If you're into gourmet,
why are you smoking this?

- It's like the Cheez Whiz of pot.
- Oh, you're some big expert?

That's a bad blend, harvested
probably a year ago and too soon.

It's dried-out.
Full of enough mold to cure strep.

I'm thinking you bought it off
one of Rad's friends.

How do you know so much?

Same way you know
so much about cheese.

- It's my business.
- I am fucking a teenage drug dealer?

Grower. Small scale.

Soon to be dealer.
And we make love.

Oh, do we?

What's the greatest cheese ever?

What are we talking? Sheep, goats?

Yeah, that cheese?

This is better.

Oh, my God.
I've been smoking Cheez Whiz.

Last week, Nancy received a portion
of your shipment.

I instructed you to give her that portion
and you did.

You gave her that portion and then,
from what I hear...

...you announced you would kill
the marimacha bitch...

...in front of her children.

But I didn't instruct you
to do that, did I?

No, I did not.

Now, Guillermo, you know
I don't like to micromanage.

I work with people
who do their jobs well.

And I leave them to do it.

However, slaughtering a coworker,
in front of witnesses, no less...

...has to be cleared
with upper management.

And your request is denied.

Julio's just doesn't travel well.

You know, in the restaurant,
this is delicious.

Nothing bad is gonna happen
to Nancy, right?

- Course not.
- I'm glad to hear that.

I will increase your commission
for shipments.

You should live to enjoy your money.

Good. Everyone's friends again.

You may go.

Not you.

You stay.

What's a marimacha?

That's an offensive term
for a lesbian woman.

- Are you hungry?
- Well, it smells great.

But you said it didn't travel well.

We'll go out to the source.

Someone make that noise stop.

That is three times today. You're
allowing criminals into our business.

Where's Nancy? I'm lonely.

You're back there with your gun
and your puzzles, movies.

I've just got the donkey.

Plays "Pop Goes the Weasel"
40 million time --

I don't feel good.

Breathe in.

Oh, Ignacio.

Okay. Not here, though.

No, no.

Up. Come on.

- What happened?
- You take too many drugs.

You need to keep better care
of this store, of yourself.

- What did you just give me?
- Stay awake.

Now, you run store.

I'm on it. This store is me.

I'm tingly.

Okay, mama, let's get you dressed.

- Any action?
- No. I think the word's out...

...this is a pretty tough point to cross.
You're doing good work here, Wilson.

Yeah. No immigrants storming through
to steal fruit-picking jobs...

...from hard-working Americans
on my watch, my friend.

My retarded cousin Tom
used to be a janitor.

No more. Mexican took his job.

After he got caught
trying to fuck a mop, but still.

That's shocking, just shocking.

Know that woman
I showed you on my phone?

Freaky steroid chick?

- She left me.
- Is that good or bad?

She was my masterpiece.
Six months of injections...

...I took her from 1 30 to 21 5
with a BMl of 18.6.

She was two weeks away
from an Adam's apple.

- There'll be others.
- Not like Hope.

Sometimes after making love,
she'd dead-lift me.

Now, that's one of a kind.

Anyway....

This is Desert Eagle,
heading back to HQ.

Here we go.

I will lead you now.

You shall be a free people.

Good idea. No time to waste. Yup.

Lady Liberty beckons.

This is Big and Tall, Checkpoint 5.

Not a bean on the tortilla.
I repeat, not a bean on the tortilla.

All clear. No spic, just span. Over.

Davenport.

Welcome to America.
Happy days. Have you seen this girl?

Anybody? Nice to have you here.

You seen her? Maria?
No? Maria? Nothing?

We did it, man.

- We sure did.
- We did it.

- What do we do with them now?
- No idea.

So you are not a lesbian?

Around Guillermo, I am.

Made it easier to be friends
when we were friends.

Before he wanted to kill me
in front of my children.

Don't worry. It is fixed.

Oh, you do not need a menu.

You order what you like.
Julio will make it.

And if he can't, he'll find it.

- Order anything.
- Elk.

Oh, wait, wait. I'm kidding.

Make the best thing that you make.

Look at you, your sway.

Yes. It is like you're out
with the mayor.

Much like that.

I have to pee.

Holy shit.

Our food might take a little while.

- Do you have any Neosporin?
- Neosporin.

Twizzlers, some tampons.

I might have a Tide stick.

Sit. Sit down.

- Maybe we should go out for Chinese.
- Sit.

Sit.

You never sipped from your beer,
after you toasted the crowd.

- That's very bad luck.
- I don't like to drink from the bottle.

Clearly, that's not your issue.

Not my issue. But then, I have trouble
breathing after I've been shot at...

...which clearly you don't,
so I guess we all have our things.

Another school, another first day.
Another sweaty glass of social stigma.

We're interesting
and worthwhile people.

Yeah, well. If only life were
a Judd Apatow movie...

...where geeks rule the world...

...but it's not, so let's just suck it up.

- Chip?
- No, thanks.

Hey, who's the king of the school?

The most popular, most athletic,
most often-laid guy here?

Well, my guess is it's Dan.
Everyone wants to be friends with Dan.

- Hi, I'm Shane.
- Hey. Hi, I'm Dan.

Don't fuck with me.

Medium, large, large, small, petite.

Petite maternity.

Excuse me. Sorry. Hi.

Do you have this in blue?

Nice choice.

I will ring you up over here.

Forty-two, ninety-nine, please.

Do you want the box? In a bag?
The box in a bag?

- I actually just want it in blue.
- Oh, well, why didn't you say so?

Oh, I'm sorry.
I've already checked the racks.

- Can you just check in the back for me?
- Good idea.

Soccer shoe. Soccer shoe.

- Preggies keep coming.
- We call it f?tbol.

Goal.

- So?
- So, what?

Do you have it in blue?

Just get it in green. Come on.

- Come on. Come on.
- But I --

Green is the color of spring

Who's next? Let's go.

Think maybe they wanna close up?
We've been here a while.

When I finish my coffee, we'll go.

Who was trying to kill you?

Maybe the MZO.

Maybe the Mexicate.

Let me guess. You're the hot sauce?

I am the table.

- How often do people shoot at you?
- Mostly shoot at each other.

- And the occasional bystander.
- I cannot control the streets.

Streets that provide
the latest in mobile health care.

My success in business allows me
to give back to the community.

Take a little blood.
Give a little blood.

You question my motives?

Soothing your conscience
at the expense of others.

You question my motives.

You're bleeding again. It's your --

- I'm okay. I'm okay.
- Here.

Maybe if you put it under your pillow,
you get a dollar from the shrapnel fairy.

Well, it's part of the job.

People see you're afraid,
they do not vote for you.

- Nothing scares you?
- Nothing.

That's a lie. You're afraid
of dirty beer bottles.

I'm not afraid. Just don't like them.

- Snakes?
- Fine with snakes.

- Failure?
- Not a problem.

Heights.

Are you afraid of heights?

Yep.

What are you afraid of?

- Calm.
- Before the storm?

The storm I can weather.

Come with me.

Okay.

Sure you're gonna be okay?

Lake Davenport, Florida.

Big fish. Lobster Boy. Jeb Bush.

I'm gonna miss you.

You were right.
This is a great business.

- Helping the unfortunate.
- Unlimited customer base.

- Reconnecting families.
- Low overhead.

We're doing God's work.

And we're providing the backbone
of the American economy.

They paid you, right?

The soccer shoe. Football shoe.

Whatever you call it, I need more.

Please. Just a little bit. It helps me.

I'll pay you.

How much you got?

Hang on. I'll get my purse.

Silas, I had a thought.

- Oh yeah?
- About cheese.

Surprise, surprise.

About how it smells. Very strong.

That is an understatement. You can
smell this place from a block away.

It stinks. Good thing you're sexy.

- Hey, you're missing the point.
- What's the point?

It's the kind of smell that overpowers
all other smells.

It is, isn't it?

Look at all this room back here.

Maybe you know somebody
who wants to rent it?

You really don't wanna make
sandwiches, do you?

Sandwiches are bullshit.

There are only 40 of them
left in the world.

And now I own three.

He will join the other two
at my zoo in Coyoacan.

My son has turtles.

Please tell me
that's also going to your zoo.

You might not wanna watch this.

But you don't have a problem
with it?

I enjoy it.