Weeds (2005–2012): Season 4, Episode 6 - Excellent Treasures - full transcript

Previously on Weeds:

How's she know my name?

- I don't wanna die.
- She's with me.

You make this go away.

She's going to be staying with us.

You and your drug-dealing mommy...

...you can stay here,
float me till the market comes back.

Tell her I expect 10 grand.

- First of every month.
- When are you back?

The minute
Not-Francine misses a payment.

Hi.



You guys heading towards Ren Mar?

Davenport, Iowa.

- Close enough.
- Andy's friends.

I'd like to welcome you to our country.
I hope you get to stay.

Why are you here in our house,
Mr. Wilson?

Where's your family?

My family left me, buddy.
My life's a toilet.

I hate myself. You happy now?

This is your new job.
We're making you manager.

You're gonna give me all that money to
manage a San Ysidro Maternity World?

I got a normal, boring job.

Looks like I'm gonna be doing it
for a long, long time.

What the F?

Cesar, tell him that you know me.



Hi.

You know, all I wanna do is --

Could you let go of my arm?

It's not like I haven't
been to the garage before.

I came in the back way this time.

Okay, I think we're in America now.

I have rights.

It was the man in the suit, wasn't it?
The boss? Big boss?

I think it would be wise for you to
re-imagine the events of this evening.

How you close up your shop, go home
to your family and you saw nothing.

You mean no one.

That's right.

Don't break it.
I'm asking a buck apiece for those.

These are all 50 states.
You can't break up the set, man.

Can't take stuff.
There'll be nothing to sell.

Are you kidding me?

Look around. Hey, we're not
selling pictures of Judah.

Photos are not included.

Just their frames.

Fine. But not the metal one.

Or that wood one there.

Or this other one here.

Pipes. Can I have one?

I think I could pull off a pipe.

- Four bucks.
- Four bucks. What a rip.

I am keeping these.

- You're all scavengers.
- Yeah, scavenger.

- Fuck you.
- Fuck you.

- Fuck you.
- Fuck you.

Gonna be nothing left for the estate
sale if everybody keeps everything.

Anything you wanna keep?

Nothing.

Except maybe this cool cigar box.

I could save it for my ashes.

You're a dark little fellow.

- Jews can't get cremated.
- I'm not Jewish.

You are in the reform movement.

And those are all the cool Jews.

Scraps?

Rufus? Lucy?

Vintage murdered-dog collars.

Five bucks each.

Oh, Jesus, Bubbie.

You get lucky with the Rocky Mountain
Chocolate guy last night?

Fung?

Please, I'm so not into Asians.

Little rice dick. All that soy.

No, not for me.

I will take the free fudge, however.

How was your night?

I...

...saw no one attractive...

...in a place I wasn't.

You're babbling.

- You need coffee.
- Yes, I do.

Hi.

A Mexican man with a machine gun.

That looks like...

...a nice pastry.

Are you gonna be here long?

All the time. Okay, well, then....

Soy Nancy.

Celia.

- Ignacio.
- Ignacio. Nice to meet you.

Well, we're just gonna go...

...and open up.

Do you want coffee or anything?
I'm getting coffee today.

Got your coffee. Okay, then.

Bye, now. Get out.

- Nancy.
- Celia.

There's a giant hole in the floor.

I'm aware.

What's in the hole?

Mexico.

You must never go there.
Through the hole.

You can drive to Mexico
whenever you want.

Just be aware
there's a long wait to get back.

Don't drink the water.

Stay away from the hole.

Is that the attractive man
from the place that you weren't -- ?

I went straight home. I saw no one.

He was so much
better-looking than that guy.

Hey, Davenport.

You go, man.

Look at yoga-ass. With an ass
like an apricot that she got in yoga.

Check out bitch badge.
Or is it tramp stamp?

Either way, she's hot.

Her friend's got Madonna arms.

You think that's sexy?

Not on a white woman.

You need to find a place to live.

A place to take home the ladies.

- I gotta make some money.
- Yeah.

We should be coyotes.

That guy who brought over Davenport
and Marzipan was such an asshole.

And he charged them a fortune. I think
we got a real opportunity here, Doug.

We could be good coyotes.
Nice coyotes.

Like the JetBlue of coyotes.

SunChips and bottled water.

Competitive pricing without the rape,
trees and extortion.

That could be our slogan.

I'm serious, man.

Look, Asian with big fake tits.
What is that?

Is there ice cream up the street?

I love her.

I love you.

I think illegal immigration for profit.
That's our next venture.

Let me think about it.
I don't like Mexicans.

Yeah. Well, think about it.
It's good money.

I'll think about it.

These pants are great, very elastic.

Here's a belly pillow.

What month is this belly?

That's about a six-month belly.

- Holy shit.
- Yeah.

Wait till you see the six-month ass.

- Hi.
- "Hi"?

You don't "hi" me.

You made trouble for me.

Going where you don't belong.

I didn't know. When you gave me
a tour of the store....

"Here's the cash register,
here's the backroom."

You might've said, "By the way, here's
a tunnel to Mexico." But you didn't.

You said nothing.

Go do your job.

Go out to the front
and smile at the pregnant ladies.

- That's a lot of pot.
- That's what it's all about.

Did you really get in trouble?
With the man?

The man in the suit?
Who was the man in the suit?

You didn't see a man in a suit.

Okay, fine.

The invisible man.
What would he do if he existed?

Don't know yet.

But anything happens to me...

...worse gonna happen to you.

We're just hoping for sunshine.
Preparing for rain.

Get the fuck back out there.

I'll go look for an umbrella.

I just don't understand
why you're here.

Isabelle.

Hi, Mrs. Botwin.

You don't even like me.

It's true, I don't.

So the fact that I'm here
begging to live with you...

...should clearly demonstrate
how awful my life has been.

I can't do it anymore.

I took a Greyhound
and sat next to a man with one leg.

I have no place to put you.

I've been sleeping on a chair, listening
to Daddy weep in the next room.

This is the first time
I've left the hotel in weeks.

He clings. He overshares.

I'll be the only person he knows
in Michigan.

You're moving to Michigan?

Dad's going to defend criminals
in Detroit.

Everyone's out of work.
No middle class.

Felony is at an all-time high.

It's his golden opportunity.

You're exaggerating.

It's Motown. It's cold, you can layer.
I hear there's a Great Lake.

Canada is up there.

Look, go back to your father.

I will give you money to take the train.

Goes right along the coast.

It's lovely.

For the first time in your life, please...

...please don't act
like a selfish fucking bitch.

Save me.

I have a customer.

- I'll take the pants.
- Good.

Great. Take the pants.

Go, have children.

See how they grow up
to denigrate the fine city of Detroit...

...and call you a fucking bitch.

Here. Have a coupon.

Well, look at you.

Court appearance?

Laundry.

You got your tooth fixed.

Wanna do it?

Fucking you ruined my life.

- The sex was good, though, wasn't it?
- Not bad.

- My best.
- Really?

- Legendary.
- That's sad.

- I'm lonely.
- Me too.

I think I'm getting used to it.

I burned through my happiness.

The American dream. Don't think that
comes around twice for many people.

Be nice if it came around once.

Isabelle's a great kid.

- Don't have to be her mother.
- Neither do you.

You just hang out with her.

Wish I'd have tried that with my son.

Gays are huge chick magnets.

He could have introduced me
to some hot thing.

Your young-hot-thing days
are long over.

Yeah. Probably. Unless I get rich.

Well, you could embezzle
from Ren Mar.

I like it down here.

The ocean's therapeutic.

- So you wanna -- ?
- No. Absolutely not.

We'll see how strong your resolve is
after more couch squatting.

I'm picking up
my FEMA vouchers tomorrow.

Getting myself a cordial suite.

Should last a few weeks,
and then a few more to evict me --

God, Doug. I said no.

I heard you.

Warm.

Yeah, have a good night.

Hey, hey, hey.
Leave the wine and the mag.

Shane, how much do we want
for the coffee table?

- One-twenty-five.
- Eighty.

One-twenty-five.

- One-twenty.
- One-thirty. Keep it up.

Oh, my God. Andy, look.

Check it out.

- It's yoga-ass.
- Here? Where? You sure it's her?

There. On the stairs.
She's looking at the grapes.

It's her.

I could never forget an ass like that.

- Oh, she's mine.
- She's so mine.

- No. I saw her first.
- On the beach, I saw her in the house.

All right, all right. So we both
go for it. And then best man wins.

I'm so gonna win.

- So not.
- Watch it.

Oh, fuck.

- That is not cool.
- So not cool.

- He looks good, though.
- Yeah.

- Look at him work.
- Yeah.

He must be stopped.

- What was that?
- Oh, gosh.

I am so sorry about that.

I'm such a clumsy clown.

Doug. Doug Wilson.

Hi.

Hi.

- Hi.
- Andy Botwin. We live here.

Nice platter. That's such a nice platter.

I can get you a discount on that.

Well, thanks.

Hey, guys.

Look at this.
Everyone wants a piece.

I gotta
show you something downstairs.

They have a metal detector.

Who are you talking to?

My mom.

This is Lisa.

Also known as Rad's mom.

Rad's mom.

You own the cheese shop.

Cheese Gotta Have It. Yeah, that's me.

That is so clever.

- Oh, thanks.
- I love your cheese.

- Come on. Come on.
- It was nice meeting you.

Yeah. You too, Silas.

Excuse me.

Your kid is scary.

My kid is awesome. You're just cheap.

Enjoy your table.

Hey.

Put me down. Put me down.

Help!

Okay, I got it.

What's the grand total?

We sold $8327 worth of Lenny's stuff
and fuck him, we're keeping it.

Where'd Nancy go? She ditch us?

She probably went out
to buy a "bed skirt."

Or she's out selling drugs.

- Hey, can I hold the money?
- No.

I'm gonna go hide this.

- We'll find it.
- Yeah, we will.

Check out sexy.

She swam in her clothes.

She's a wild hippie.

Think she shaves her pits?

That must be the boyfriend.

This is weird.

Is this really happening?

This is like a movie.
I wish we had Milk Duds.

They're illegals.

Help me.

You are so beautiful.
You are like a mermaid.

A Mexican mermaid.

- A mermex.
- I thought you don't like Mexicans.

- Just the fat ones. I'm Doug.
- I'm --

Hey. What's going on here?

This is my girlfriend.
She was swimming with her clothes.

- I'm doing my job.
- Your job is bullshit.

- She just wants to be here.
- Yeah. She wants to clean our toilets.

- Or sewing. Or telecomunicaci?n.
- Let's go.

- Se?or Doug.
- Mermex.

I keep your flippy-flop.

- You find me.
- I'll find you. I will.

Oh, wait.

- Let's go.
- Wait, wait. I don't know your name.

- Maria.
- Maria Mermex.

S?, Se?or Flippy-Flop.

You hear that? She called me
Flippy-Flop. How cute is that?

We could bring her back here...

...if we were coyotes.

I'm in.

Sale's over.

Silas?

Lisa. Hi.

Hey.

Hi.

Listen.

Did you sell that Wacky Pack poster?
Rad's been bugging me about it all day.

No. I kept it. I like that poster.

But if he wants it, he can have it.

- Really?
- Yeah. Sure.

He's a kid. He should have it.

Rad doesn't give a shit, actually.

No?

You wanna go for a walk
on the beach or something?

Yes.

Yeah.

Rad is fencing.

I have to pick him up at 6.

Well, let's go.

Just let me grab a shirt.

Let's get walking.

Thank you.

Fine. Pack a bag.

Hurry up before I change my mind.

Thank you.

- I thought you didn't want her.
- I'm her mother, Dean.

And I could use the company.

I could use the company.

You could use a bath.

What if we went to Newark?

Or East St. Louis?
I got job offers there too.

I live by the beach, Dean.
It's better for her.

But there's not enough crime
by the beach. I need a job.

What could I do? I'm getting better.

I just -- I wanna be a carefree
latchkey kid. Who lives by the beach.

You're throwing me
over for the beach?

Location, location, location.

I just -- I really need a mom right now.

- Celia said she'd try to find me one.
- Hey.

You understand
that your mother is Satan, right?

It's the devil I know.

- I don't want to be alone.
- I'm not your wife.

You call me every day.

When you start to hate her again,
which you will...

...you come back to Daddy.

- I love you.
- I know. I know. I love you too.

Try not to get shot.

Nancy Botwin.

A widow living in Ren Mar.

Two sons. Shane and Silas.

You never finished
your last semester at Berkeley.

You have four outstanding
parking tickets and a strange tattoo...

...on the upper left cheek
of your backside.

You should not
have gone through the tunnel.

- That was a mistake.
- I know.

You should not be asking questions.

Questions about me.

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

You are sorry.

But your eyes are brown.

You must be punished.

Learn a lesson.

It will be painful.

How about...

...a spanking?

A good hard spanking.

Don't move.

- It is time for you to go.
- Yeah. I --

I heard the verb for "to kill."

Yes, well.

Work on your Spanish.

Am I going back in the trunk?

No, you are going home.

Just this once,
you may use the tunnel.

I'll call ahead
and tell Ignacio not to shoot you.

For now.

Good night, Nancy Botwin.

He's the mayor?