Weeds (2005–2012): Season 4, Episode 5 - No Man Is Pudding - full transcript

Previously on Weeds:

Some asshole's van
is getting towed.

What? My plants.

Where do the kids sit
with all the pot in the back?

- Please don't put me back in jail.
- I wanna know where Nancy Botwin is.

I found Nancy.

She's with Guillermo.

I got a couple of runs to get done.

- There's a gun here.
- Just a pickup.

You just sit in your car
and Mexico comes to you.

- Tijuana Police. That's a lot of product.
- Where do I sit?



I'll be back in 45 minutes.

Are you guys
heading towards Ren Mar?

- Davenport. Iowa.
- Close enough.

Meet me this afternoon by the border
at the outlet mall.

Who is this bitch?

- We caught her outside.
- The lady was taking pictures.

Now, that's a real gun
pressed against your head.

Real bullets inside it.

Hey. Look at me. Look at me.

Now you look way outside your world
right now.

But you need to tell your brain
to tell your mouth to tell me...

...what you were doing
outside my warehouse with this thing.

- What's your name?
- Guillermo.

Now, that's my name.



How you know my name, huh?
How she know my name?

- Oh, I don't wanna die.
- How you fucking know my name?

- She's with me.
- Is that right?

- What's her name?
- It's Celia.

He wasn't talking to you.

She's my backup. The fucking bitch
was supposed to stay in the car.

- Why am I hearing about this now?
- I don't know.

Why didn't you tell me
about not putting drugs in my car...

...or Lento the criminal,
or the Tijuana Police?

Isn't that how it works here?
Nobody tells anybody anything.

Why is she taking pictures?

I don't know. That's a very
good question. Give me that.

Why are you taking pictures?

Why are you taking pictures?

I was scrapbooking?

- Damn.
- Nobody hits my crew. That's my job.

Hey, that gun's loaded, blanca.

You hear that, fuck-o? Gun's loaded.

Back off, man. Back away.

- Celia, get in the fucking Prius.
- No, no, no.

- She fucked up. It's on me.
- Oh, you damn right it's on you.

I'll take care of it.
Get in the goddamn car, now!

Give me the tooth.

Open the gate, please.

- This is some sloppy shit.
- Agreed.

You make this go away.

- Okay, we got a date tonight.
- Done.

Don't forget.

Always thought the border
would be flat.

Total popular misconception.

Quite the workout.

Calves feeling the burn.

Neck feeling the burn.

All right.

Are those pepitas? I love pepitas.

Oh, wow, thanks.

Looks real, right?

Oh, well, sure. Much, much smaller.
Pigs can get huge.

They had them on a commune
that I crashed at for a while.

There was this girl...

...and there was this charismatic
leader-guy who slept with the girl --

I could make one of you,
with the hair and everything.

- How much would you pay for that?
- A marzipan portrait.

MarzipAndy. Yeah, at least 10.

Did you just say
that you missed your mother?

Come here.

All right. Oh, yeah.

Pay your fare, gabacho.

Oh, right. Okay.

Let's see.

Here we go.

- Six dollars?
- That's like 6000 pesos.

Oh, no, no.
Not my Fall Guy belt buckle.

This is a limited edition. Very nice --

Yeah, yeah. There you go.

- That's one of a hundred -- Okay.
- Get in.

Hello, phone caller.

This is Andrew. Andrew Botwin.

It pains me we couldn't make
this instant human connection.

Leave a message and while you do it,
imagine me listening to it...

...where I might be at the time...

...what I might be wearing.

Andy, this is me.

We got a little delayed.

I'm on my way now.

You probably don't have cell reception
where you are...

...so you probably won't hear this
before I reach you...

...but it's making me feel better.
It's preventing me from killing Celia.

Oh, yes, I forgot to open with that.

Celia Hodes is sitting next to me
in the car.

All the way from Agrestic.

How did she get here? I don't know.

When I hear
the unbelievably stupid reason...

...that comes out of her mouth,
I'm gonna fucking kill her.

So there may be a dead body
in the car when I get there.

That's just a heads up.

I'll be there soon. Oh, and your
outgoing message is creepy.

Please change it.

I want my tooth back.

You don't get your tooth back.

I keep your tooth.

I drill a tiny hole in it.

Wear it around my neck.
I become your God.

I can explain.

- All right.
- Okay.

Explain.

Explain.

What are you doing with that?

Closets don't get towed.

- Just need a little ventilation.
- Mom doesn't want those in the house.

Mom isn't gonna find out.

Doors stay locked. Lenny's gone.

And no one talks.

- Hey, dude. What's going on?
- Teenage rebellion.

Fuck, yeah. Stick it to the old people.

- What are you doing here?
- Eating cereal.

I mean, why are you here
in our house, Mr. Wilson?

- Where's your family?
- My family left me, buddy.

My life's a toilet.

These corn flakes, they're old.

My ass is always on fire.

I hate myself.

You happy now?

Whoa, check this out.

What is it?

It's honey.

That could have lead in it.
Or asbestos.

You're a fucking downer.

Honey flakes.

Don't you wish you had some?

Inquisitor. Ruiner of days.
Child of the apocalypse.

Bees. Wait.

Bees bad.

Swarm. Swarm.

And they put a fucking fire hose
through my car.

And shoved me on a cot. And then
they pulled me from the rec center...

...threw me into an interrogation room.
And you left me there.

All right, you weren't there.
But your people were there...

...and they lied for you.
And they put me in jail.

Where I was abused.

This man gave me a chance.
He is giving both of us a chance here.

All he want is for us to help him get...

- ...that Guillermo person.
- Get out of the car.

I need a second to take all this in.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, you put a fucking gun in my
mouth and you need a moment alone.

Hey, be a bigger person, Celia.

Imagine me listening to it,
where I might be at the time...

...what I might be wearing.

Let that guide you.

Andy.

It's me.

I'm back in the desert.
Your cooler's here.

You're not.

I'm sorry I got here late.
It wasn't my fault.

Actually, it probably was my fault.

In a grand sense,
everything is my fault.

It's all my fault.

Please call.

Oh, this isn't happening.

Nancy?

Nancy.

Nance.

We're gonna figure this out.

It's okay.

It's okay.

I forgive you.

I know this is overwhelming.

I know that you didn't mean
to leave me in prison.

You hit the window button thing
by accident.

Nancy.

Nancy.

Nancy!

- Do you believe in reincarnation?
- I don't know. I don't know.

Well, I do. You've proven it to me.
You wanna know how?

Get hint.

You've made me a believer...

...because there is nothing
I have done in this life...

...to accumulate the massive dose
of fucked-up karma...

...you have brought my way, Celia.

So now it's all making sense.

I'm tested for something
I did to you in a previous life.

Because in this life...

...where I have repeatedly allowed you
to fuck me over a fence...

...whatever I do,
you keep coming back.

So...

...I accept your forgiveness
for my previous crimes.

And I wanna thank you for bringing me
to a more enlightened state of being.

Please don't step on the gas again.

And now, if you so choose...

...you can get back in the car.

Sit silently.

Let me try to figure out...

...how to save our asses
on the way to the mall.

Would you like that?

Davenport, Iowa.

Never been there.

Heard it's cold in the winter.
You bring a parka?

Big boats.

Ocean.

Fisherman.

Dorado, marlin, shark.

In Davenport?

Fairly sure Iowa's landlocked.

Tuna.

Mahi-mahi, big. Big.

Nance. Hey, where the hell are you?

Outlet mall with Celia?

Guess where I am. In a pudding truck.

I know. I'll tell you about it later.

You're breaking up.

You're breaking up.

Sorry. Okay, there. Got it. Good.

How much is the bus
to San Francisco?

- From San Diego? Eighty-three dollars.
- Eighty-three dollars.

Fifteen hundred lempira.

- Oh, lempira. You're Honduran.
- S?, Yoro.

Yoro? I love Yoro.

I went to the Festival de la --

Lluvia de Peces.

- It actually --
- Rains fish.

It cost me 16,000
to get here from Yoro.

Coyote said
it was only going to be 10,000.

He -- He keeps raising the price.

That's not fair. I mean,
a verbal contract is still a contract.

One old lady was too slow...

...he left her to die.

He charged us for water.

He broke that guy's arm.

Stole his necklace.

We're cargo.

We're pudding.

No man is pudding.

Mr. Wilson,
we could use your help out here.

Yeah. I've got some problems in here.

- What's the matter?
- Very allergic to bees.

Face very swollen.

- It's not worth it.
- Hey.

I got customers.

- I'll cut you in.
- Fifty percent.

- Five.
- Fifteen.

And I'm the sprayer.

Fine.

On three.

One.

Two.

Three.

- So Captain Roy Till --
- You promised you wouldn't talk.

Stay right here where I can see you.

Can you ask that Guillermo when I
can get Pam's car back because -- ?

Try not to look homeless.

How was your day?

I've had worse.

I had a long talk with my associate.

Associate?

Damn, you already keep too many
secrets from me, tortillera lesbiana.

That's your girl outside, isn't it?

Celia?

Chewie took that camera
over to Rite Aid.

Must have thought
you were fucking around on her.

Yeah, following you everywhere.

Yeah, she has trust issues.

Man, I seen bitches like her.

Crazy stalker bitches.

Got her on a leash now.

This is yours.

So this is the front room...

...window displays.

Back here you got two dressing rooms
so ladies have some privacy.

This is the backroom.

There's a bathroom, file cabinets.

We'll get you a safe in there
before you open.

So this is a front.

Where you launder money.

It's a maternity store.

We sell comfort and fashion
to pregnant women.

- What am I not getting?
- This is your new job.

You work here.
We're making you manager.

Yeah, how am I gonna make runs
if I'm running a store?

You don't.

We need your face here.

I don't wanna work retail.

I wanna traffic.

I got a family to support.
I put them through hell.

I owe them.

I gotta make a killing, all right?

So write it down.

Write down how much
you wanna make this year.

- Just write it?
- Yep.

Ask for more.

- Really?
- I gotta take it to the man above.

I only take it once.

No runs. No dealing. No more drugs.

You gotta be clean.

Professional.

Hire a staff.

People you can trust.

That's very important.

I need this place up and running
in a week.

I'm extremely, wildly confused.
You're gonna give me all that money...

...to manage
the San Ysidro Maternity World?

I am.

But your gap-tooth girlfriend
out there...

...she makes minimum wage.

Whoa, hombre, not cool.

Shit. That's not a clean knife.

Okay, yeah.

It's a gun, all right?
Let's all just mellow out.

Oh, my God. I shot you.

I shot you in the knee. I didn't know
I could shoot someone in the knee.

That's so random. And yet brutal.
And life-changing. I'm sorry, man.

Get the $6 that he took from me.
It's just you were coming at me.

- And you're such an asshole.
- Davenport, Iowa?

Yeah, yeah, Davenport.
Yeah, we're gonna get you there.

And Marzipan.
You're both coming with me.

Who's the fall guy now, coyote ugly?

I just said that. Did you guys
hear that? I totally said that.

So...

...we've had a trying couple of weeks.

We lost our homes.

A Bubbie.

But we have this food.

This lovely roof over our heads,
recent bee infestation excluded...

...which my father-in-law has offered
up at a ridiculously inflated price.

I've had a particularly challenging
last 24 hours.

But....

But in the drive-through at Popeyes...

...I found myself saying,
"Family combo, please."

And it was a moment of clarity.

What I mean to say...

...is I was thinking of you today.

All of you.

Andy, I think in the past
I've dismissed you...

...as the kind of guy
you couldn't really count on...

...and I was wrong.
You've been a rock for this family.

We need you.

Andy's friends, I'd like to welcome you
to our country. I hope you get to stay.

Keep a low profile. Blend.

Shane, I've been unavailable to you
and that's rotten.

I will be more present.

Silas, you've taken on more
responsibility in a time of upheaval...

...and it's been admirable.

We still need to talk about the GED.

Doug, I'm sorry.
You and Dana are having problems.

But you need to find
a place of your own to live.

And you need to seek
medical attention.

And finally, maybe...

...possibly.

I owe an apology
to the woman to my right.

I left her holding a very big bag.

It was not my finest hour.

I'm sorry, Celia.

All of us are sorry.

- Sorry, Celia.
- Sorry, Miss Hodes.

So she's going to be staying with us.

We will treat her as family.

You can sleep in my room tonight,
Celia.

Not in the bed. There's a nice couch.

So now, with that...

...let us enjoy the wonderful dessert...

...our new friend Reyna has provided.

- Pigs.
- Pigs.

Cheers.

What about Till?

- Captain Till.
- The widow Scottson.

Or is it Botwin?

You need to back off.

Off of Celia. Off permanently.

And why would I do that?

Because you have a kind heart.

That's a good one. I like that.

"Kind heart."

Okay, sure. Why the hell not?

You cop for the grow house...

...deliver me Guillermo Garcia-Gomez,
the councilwoman walks.

I gotta better deal for you.

You can give me three more inches
on my dick?

You can listen.

Pretend to be a gentleman.

I can play pretend.

You let me buy you a round.
You enjoy drinking it.

You remember that the grow house
burned down in the fire...

...and you have no physical evidence.
You forget Celia. You forget me.

You finish your drink
and you go home.

Gomez, Guillermo Garcia-Gomez.

I don't know any Gomez.
If I did once, I don't anymore.

Not what I hear.

In fact...

...I'd say other than Celia...

...the one person you and I
have in common that I do know...

...is Peter Scottson.
And I knew him very well.

- Old fucking news.
- Not that old.

We did a good job burying Pete.

Did you?

You look angry.

Captain Till,
I didn't come here to make you angry.

I came here to thank you.

You backed me into a corner
and it worked. I got out.

Should have done it a long time ago.

Never made a lot of money at it.

Few times I did, I got greedy.

Found a way to lose it.

Got in with the wrong people.

Endangered my family.
I was a bad drug dealer. I know it now.

I'm trying something new.

Let me guess.

Feeding the homeless.

Nursing AIDS babies.

Still too selfish for that.

No, Captain Till.

I got what the world would call
a normal, boring job.

I wake up in the morning...

...get dressed.

Drive myself to work...

...put on a name tag.

Take my brain out of my skull
and place it in a drawer.

I spend the next nine hours
smiling at people...

...pretending to be interested
in their happiness.

Tolerating the company
of my coworkers.

Staring at the clock.

At the end of the day,
I take my name tag off.

Open the drawer, reach for my brain,
plop it back inside...

...walk to the employee parking lot,
drive myself home.

And it's really, really, really boring.

Looks like I'm gonna be doing it
for a long, long time.

Jesus.

What the F?