Weeds (2005–2012): Season 4, Episode 4 - The Three Coolers - full transcript

Previously on Weeds:

Please don't put me back in jail.

- I wanna know where Nancy Botwin is.
- I can do that.

I wanna know
how she knows this man.

When they met
and who introduced them.

Oh, shit.

Learned all you need?
Wanna make a real run?

Let's go next door to the pet store.

We researched insurance policies
on the municipal buildings.

- There are several discrepancies.
- Adi?s, buddy.

How'd it go at the track today?
Catch a few winners?



No, not one?

Anything? Shocking.

- What did she say?
- Kill me.

What do you want me
to say?

That I wanna kill my mother?
That I want her dead?

- I wish this would all go away?
- Yeah.

We decided it would be best
to pull the plug, though.

Let her rest in peace.

That's it.

She's still breathing.

Shane.

Get Mommy a pillow.

Isn't that a fire hazard?

It's on a dish.



What if there's an earthquake?

I think the odds are in your favor...

...that two houses
you live in won't burn down.

Although your mother is a wild card.

Could we all settle down
and honor the dead a little here?

Did she leave a will?

Yeah. Everything's mine.

Okay. Let's take off our shoes
and sit...

...and pay respect
to a courageous woman...

...who escaped the clutches
of Adolf Hitler...

...to live a long, productive life.

Only to be snuffed out
by a hypo-allergenic pillow...

...from Bed Bath & Beyond.

Sit.

Now what?

Now we remember.

Soon we'll eat.

And then we'll remember more.

How come we never did this
for Dad?

Mommy was too sedated
to think of it.

How long do we sit and remember
and occasionally break for snacks?

Seven days.

You're kidding, right?

Shane, make sure
the front door is left open.

During shiva,
people usually come by.

They'll bring food
and pay their respects.

How is it that all Jews
aren't morbidly obese?

Everything revolves around food.

So sorry for your loss.

Bob Warden. Beachfront Realty.

This is from my mom.

That's so generous.

She owns a cheese store.

Rad, honey, take off your
skatey, wheelie thingies.

What's up, dude?

Please get out of my house.

Hello. I'm Katie Thatcher.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

She was a lovely woman.

Shit.

Katie.

Bob.

Hi, kids.

What's going on, some sort
of s?ance? They're bullshit but fun.

We're sitting shiva for Bubbie.

- Doug?
- Andy said it'd be cool if I crashed.

- Who the fuck are you?
- Doug Wilson. Who are you?

Lenny Botwin. I own the house.

I don't think it's cool if you crash.

I got the entire town of Majestic
up in my grill, Nance.

I need somewhere to lay low.
I could sleep in my minivan.

I just need a place
to bust out my nug nugs.

Who are you to tell him
he could stay here?

- He's my friend.
- My mother died.

My grandmother died.

- Putz.
- Asshole.

Humboldt Fog. Nice.

- So how did Grandma die?
- Mom killed her.

You're grotesque.

The jackpot's up to $350 million.

So mind your own fucking business.

Quik Mart, up the street.

They're her holocaust numbers.

Hey, man.
They're obviously lucky. She survived.

What the fuck is that?

Oh, yeah.

They're from a friend of mine.

Three. Two.

One.

Attention, beloved
mixed-marriage family.

Shiva is over.

And this house is now for sale.

Unless you're in a position to
pay me a million and a half dollars...

...I suggest you find alternate
accommodations immediately.

Where are we gonna live?

Apparently that's of no concern
to your loving grandfather.

This house should stay in the family.

For you, I'm gonna knock off
a hundred grand.

I won't have to pay the commission.

- That's a good deal.
- I wanna stay. I'm not leaving.

Fine. It'll add to the value
of the house.

Three bedrooms,
two baths and a little boy.

- I can sell it to a priest.
- You could stay in my minivan.

- I gotta get my own place.
- I said, I'm not leaving.

I heard you, Shane. I get it.
I'll be back later.

- Another bed skirt?
- Dust ruffle.

I just wanted to say,
it's been an amazing experience...

...to have been here
with you for the last few days.

I mean, your mother --

She seemed like
an extraordinary woman.

Bob, I'm touched
by your outpouring of emotion.

And I think Bubbie
would've been too. Thank you.

But I'm gonna go with the hot chick
who walked in here on Tuesday.

You're a piece of shit.

- Who's there?
- Nancy.

We used to have a Nancy.
She was a good worker.

But she stopped showing up
and we gotta kill her.

Seven days cooped up
with the family felt like death.

Damn, if I had to sit home
for seven days...

...every time a family member
dropped dead...

- ...I'd never leave the fucking house.
- Thanks for the flowers.

You're really not supposed to send
flowers to a Jewish funeral -- Shiva.

Whatever. Still, very thoughtful.

I had to smother a guy
with a pillow once too.

My arms got tired. You?

Not so much.

It was Tempur-Pedic.

Conformed to her face.

Tempur-Pedic. Gotta remember that.

- Am I going on a picnic?
- Maybe.

Depends on which one you pick.

- I choose one of these?
- You know, like Deal or No Deal.

Except here you gotta choose.
So it's more like Deal or Deal.

And there ain't those leggy chicas
with suitcases...

...you wanna fuck in the mouth.

Red or blue? But be careful.
One of them is very dangerous.

Open it.

There's a gun in here.

And a juice box.

And $5000.

And another five
after you come back.

What do I need a gun for?

You're going to the desert.
They got rattlesnakes.

Maybe the Chupacabra.

- This makes me nervous.
- It's just a pickup.

You don't have to cross the border.
You sit in your car...

...and Mexico comes to you.

- I want 15.
- You chose the red.

Red pays 10.

This is the same address.
It's the same thing.

But no juice box.

So I figure we'll ask for 2
and settle for 1.5.

I'm thinking we ask for 1.2
and settle for a mil.

Oh, that's insane.

We're a block from the beach.

There's a charter school
down the street.

There's not a schvartze in sight.

There's a recession.
Banks aren't lending.

When banks aren't lending,
people aren't buying.

What about the Chinese?
They're loaded.

- They prefer Orange County.
- Jesus Christ.

I got a million-one
borrowed against this place.

If you wanna sit on it for a couple
of years, the market will bounce back.

Well, with all due respect, fuck you.

- I'm gonna go with Bob Warden.
- He'll tell you the same thing.

And his tits won't get you
an extra 50K at closing.

You wanna have dinner later?

I'll be in touch, Mr. Botwin.

That's a no?

The banks aren't lending.

How do they know how much
this is worth?

They break it up into categories.

Yellow is drek, green is crap,
blue is shit.

- Here, come and help me.
- With what?

- Treasure hunt.
- Cool.

I found Nancy.

And she was with Guillermo.

They talked and he left.

And then she didn't
leave the house the whole week.

It was weird.

There was this strange meeting.

I think she's more powerful
than we think.

People came with food.

They took off their shoes.

See?

Look. That's Doug Wilson.

She's getting
her crew back together.

So, what do you make of all of this?

I make that someone Jewish died
and that you're no Diane Arbus.

This is new to me. Okay?

I mean, I am taking pictures
with a plastic camera.

I'm trying.

Guillermo Garcia-Gomez.

I told you. I saw them together.

He was driving her Prius.

What do we got? She's sitting shiva
and he's environmentally sensitive?

Boffo work, Agent Hodes.

You miss wearing orange?

- No, I need more time.
- Next up on-stage, Captain Roy Till.

Please.

Sing with me.

- What?
- Sing with me.

And I'll give you more time.

Going once.

So, what do you guys think?

- Awesome.
- Legendary.

I can't feel my left...

...anything.

I have a son your age.

Handsome, lean, bright-eyed.

You suck dick, Silas?

No, I don't, Mr. Wilson.

- Well, he does.
- That's his choice, isn't it?

Nope, my fault. I made him gay.

My wife, gone, also my fault.
Warts...

...not gone. Technically my fault.

City of Majestic, broke. CPA license,
revoked, I assume. Didn't check.

My life...

...an abyss.

Can you use the downstairs toilet
from now on, Mr. Wilson?

- Kick a man while he's down.
- No, really, use the downstairs toilet.

You think
you're better than me, Botwin...

...because your van
has no windows?

Doug.

That's a window.

Window to what, Andy?

Look at us. Purposeless,
directionless, homeless.

Just less.

You suck dick, Silas?

- You asked me already, Mr. Wilson.
- Oh, right, right.

You like the taste?

I hate to interrupt this think tank.
Andy, I need you.

- I'm toasted.
- There's no math involved. Come on.

Get up.

You suck dick, Silas?

What if there's no money?

There's money, believe me.

Bubbie was convinced
the Nazis were gonna rise again.

So when she got too old
to schtupp her way out of camp...

...she started
hoarding money for bribes.

- That's crazy.
- It's not crazy at all.

Listen, genocide can happen
again if we're not vigilant.

It must never happen again.

It has happened again.

- What?
- Genocide.

In Rwanda, Cambodia, Bosnia.

No, no, to Jews.
It must never happen again to Jews.

What do I give a shit
about the other places?

Jackpot.

Good old Jewish paranoia.

The trick is making it work for you.

It's like 15 dimes in here.

How would Bubbie have
gotten up there?

Probably been up there for decades.

Well, this bill's from 2004.

So? She wasn't
even bedridden until 2006.

Listen, she was
a very spry woman in her day.

This one's from 2007.

What, are you the money detective?
Give me that.

I don't think that's Bubbie's money.
I think it's my mom's.

Why would your mom have $15,000
in cash hidden in a hatbox?

What did she do?

She found it.

What are we
supposed to be waiting for?

No idea.

- How will we know when it arrives?
- We'll know.

Podcast number 11, a visit --

I saw someone following us.

- Nobody was following us.
- I saw headlights.

Those were fireflies.

- There's no fireflies.
- Fucked up on weed.

It's good weed.

I'm so proud.

Oh, fuck, oh, fuck.

Goddamn it.

Oh, God. We're so out of here.

- Start the car.
- Calm down.

What if it wasn't a lizard?

What if it's a fucking alien?
I'm all fucked up. Take me home.

- I can't.
- Why didn't you bring more snacks?

Such a good idea bringing you.

- Calm the fuck down or I'll shoot you.
- All right.

All right.

Lost my cool, bringing it back in.

Oh, God. Under control.

Under control.

Drug-smuggling bad ass.

Waiting for...

...don't know what.

In the middle of...

...don't know where with a gun.
Starting to freak out again.

- Andy.
- I'm starting to freak out again.

Where did your mother
get this money?

I told you. She found it.

You're lying.

- I'm not.
- Is your mother a prostitute?

- No.
- She wears those dresses all the time.

And keeps odd hours
and deals in cash.

What happened to all the cheese?

- Is that her pimp?
- My mom is not a prostitute.

She's definitely a criminal
of some kind.

Did she rob a bank?

- No.
- A Costco?

- No.
- Is she a coke dealer?

No.

What happened to all the cheese?

Weed.

Your mother's a weed dealer.

Give me back her money.

Are we gonna die tonight?

Probably not.

Still, we could. Let's say
thoughtful things about each other.

You're a good person.

You've really stepped up
for the kids.

You make me laugh.

I'm glad you're a part of the family.

I miss Yael.

Thank you, Andy. That's very sweet.

She might have been the one.

There is no one, Andy.
We're all alone.

You saying Judah wasn't the one?

He died.

I'm still here.

Holy shit.

Oh, holy shit.

That can't be good.

Looks like the border patrol.

- The police or the army.
- Oh, shit.

Shit.

What do we do now?
What do we do? What do we do?

- Don't enjoy this.
- Oh, no.

I know.

Get a room. We're --
We're moving on.

Honey, are we in Tijuana?

I told you to take a left.

Andy.

They like to be bribed.

It's a cultural thing.

- He won't take offense.
- Shut it.

Kiss me again.

- What was that?
- I don't know.

What was the wave?

Oh, God. Oh, God.

- Is that...?
- Oh, yeah.

Shit.

That -- That's a lot of product.

Hey, I'm in a Prius.

These are police running drugs.

It's so corrupt.

We gotta move to Mexico.

It was eerie.

Mom lifted up the pillow...

...and all of a sudden
there was no noise.

It was just a body there.
Not a person.

And I kept thinking, "I should be
feeling something right now."

But I didn't know her,
you know? I didn't --

I didn't know her,
so I shouldn't feel bad about it.

Right?

Check it out. Some asshole's van
is getting towed.

What?

Fuck, fuck, fuck. My plants.

What is all this noise?

Our grow house just got towed.

It's a whole operation.

Fuck my...

...carbon footprint.

And I want my SUV back.

Wait, wait.

Where do I sit?

Right here...

...on this cooler.
I'll be back in 45 minutes.

You're gonna leave me
in the middle of the desert?

- No, don't.
- Yeah.

No, no.

Leave one of the bags here.

And then we'll come back
and get it later.

No way. It might not
be here when we get back.

I'm not telling Guillermo
I lost $50,000 worth of his drugs.

What am I gonna eat?
What am I gonna drink?

It's 45 minutes.

I'm scared.

Here.

Here.

I'm still scared.

I get it now.

- You get what?
- Why women tolerate you.

You kiss well.

Really?

Really.

Better than Judah?

Stay right there.

Forty-five minutes.

My car was towed.
I'm here to pick it up.

Make, model, color?

It's a van. Over there.

You know, you can't park on Ocean
unless you have a sticker.

Good to know.

So how much?

If you don't have a sticker,
I'm supposed to call the cops.

You don't have to do that.
Can't we work this out?

I drive my little brother's car pool
to school every day.

I -- I need my van.

So where do the kids sit
with all the pot in the back?

Look, man. What's it gonna take?

Hey, Weiner. What's it gonna take?

About 4 ounces.

- Shit.
- Great shit.

Seriously, kid. You got a gift.

Where are you going?

Paris.

If I can get to the club
by tomorrow...

...there's a super satellite
for the world poker tour.

You can't take Mom's money.

- It's my money.
- No, it's not. It's Mom's.

She's gonna be pissed if you take it.

Well, you tell her
to consider it first month's rent.

Also, tell her I expect 10 grand,
to be made by direct deposit...

...on the first of every month
to my poker stars account.

Here. I wrote this down.

- "Botwinbig"?
- Yeah, my screen name.

- That's all you need.
- When are you coming back?

The minute Not-Francie
misses a payment.

You tell her that too.

Uncle Andy was right.

You're an asshole.

Oh, I'm an asshole and I'm a shit.

But let me tell you
something, shmendrick.

There's a lesson in this for you.

- You know what it is?
- Yeah, you're an asshole.

Yeah, besides that.

Sometimes life throws you
unexpected surprises.

You go looking for something,
you find something else.

Your mother taking out my mother...

...it's the best thing
that ever happened.

You know why?

Because Bubbie
was my fucking cooler.

I gotta get out of this place.
I've been here too long.

You and your drug-dealing mommy?

You can stay here and float me
till the market comes back.

Real estate always bounces back.

It's like Spaldings.
You know what Spaldings are?

Well, they bounce.

Anyway, wish me luck.

Although, I don't think
I'm gonna need it.

And let me give you
some grandfatherly advice.

Don't ever play poker.

You, with the:

You're a giant tell.

All right, kid.

Take care.

It's Nancy. Leave me a message.

It's Nancy. Leave me a message.

It's Nancy. Leave me a message.

Hi. How's it going?

What's up? Hi.

Hi. Hello.

Hi. Oh, hi. Hello.

You guys heading towards...

...Ren Mar?

Davenport. Iowa.

Close enough.

The Tijuana Police?

Shocking, ain't it?

You couldn't lend me a bigger car?

I drove with a duffel of marijuana
in my seat.

- What if I'd been pulled over?
- Take it down a peg, chiquita.

You're here. It's all good.

Yeah, another test.

Life is a test.

Oh, enough philosopher-king
bullshit. Money, please.

- What is this?
- It's a promotion.

Another run?

Those won't start a car.

What will they start?

Meet me this afternoon
by the border at the outlet mall.

Clocking out, boss.

Who is this bitch?

We caught her outside listening.

She had a camera.
Lady was taking pictures.