Weeds (2005–2012): Season 3, Episode 1 - Doing the Backstroke - full transcript

Here we go.

Previously on Weeds.

Our stash is worth about 300 G,

but the market's making the bull run,
so we should know half a mil easy.

Ahh!

- I'm having an affair with Doug.
- Doug Wilson?

Wife-fucker.

Shane's graduation. I can't do this.

You have failed us all!

And some fucking lowlife
stole two of them already.

- The cameras?
- And the "Drug Free Zone" signs,



and the Sasquatch costume. Son of a bitch.

- Hi, Kat.
- Hi.

- Abumchuk!
- He's just this bounty hunter.

I did something illegal.

- It's now or never, come with me.
- I'm not coming with you.

- Thanks for keeping me company.
- Where are we going?

- Where do you wanna go?
- Pittsburgh!

- Step on it, Geronimo.
- You watch that shit, man.

Have you been fucking him all the time
you were married to me?

It's just business between us.
Always has been.

Take your last harvest, make a quick deal,
and then hand all the cash over to me.

Why are you doing this?

Because I laid everything on the line
for you, and you fucked me.

I'm looking to sell
about 38 pounds of sexy mama.



- Are you in?
- Yeah, I'll take it.

What the fuck?

Now give us the drugs,
and we'll let you live.

Kesheshian says "Goodbye."

- Where's the money?
- Ain't no money, fool!

- Wait...
- Where is my money?

- I kill agent asshole, you pay us.
- He's dead?

There ain't no money,
cos they decided to jack us.

- Peter.
- We kill each other, then

- nobody gets nothing!
- He's dead?

- Yes!
- Yes!

OK.

- Open the fucking safe!
- Open the fucking safe!

Open the fucking safe!

Sorry. There's a lot
of data flying around.

Oh, not today.

Hi, Nancy!

Did you take something
that doesn't belong to you?

I want in.

- That's him.
- Shit.

Bitch, you about to die.

I don't know about this, hon.

God knows
what they've done with the inside.

It might upset you.
Your mother kept that place so clean.

This used to be all flowers
and nice lawns...

- Can we go to City Walk now?
...nice families. Now look at it.

I gotta go pee.

- Oh, she's gotta go pee.
- I'm gonna pee in my pants.

You hold it! There it is.

I'm gonna ask if
she can pee in the house.

- Hello?
- Can't hold it.

Ellie! Ellie!

Look at how they changed the wallpaper.

Hello?

I'm Dawn Trimigliosi.

I used to live here
when I was a little girl. Hello?

We're visiting from Scottsdale.

- Mommy?
- I think she had an accident.

Erm...

...sorry about this, we were just...
- You used to live here?

- My wife did.
- Dawn Trimigliosi, from Scottsdale.

Yeah, I got a cousin in Scottsdale.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

You know a dude named Cold Blood?

About 6'5", 320,
big scar across his throat.

Maybe I have him look you up.
You can go get nachos together.

You know, hon, it's...

...too bad.

No one was home
when we went to your old place

and we just had to...

drive away without going in at all.

What?

Oh, right, we...

- We went straight to City Walk.
- They got bowling at City Walk.

And that's what we're doing, right now.
We're bowling, OK?

I got kids here.

Y'all go on and hit that reset button.

Let's go, let's go.

Go, go, go, go, go,
now, quick, move, come on!

- Bye!
- Bye.

Oohh!

Can we all talk without the guns, please?

- My arms are getting tired.
- So, rest them, by all means.

Marvin, if you put that gun down, I swear
I'll shoot you myself, you fat fuck.

Can I just make one more call
in the service of finding our pot?

- Our pot!
- Fuck you!

- Fuck you!
- Fuck you!

- You fuck you!
- Whoa, hold up!

Let's all just chill, all right?

If she don't find the pot,
ain't nobody getting shit!

That's not true.
You'll be getting a bullet.

Mm-hm.

Nancy, make your call.

Shit. I can't get a signal.

That's the little fucker
who stole my cameras.

Arrest him!

I didn't do anything.

I have you on tape.
Like I wouldn't make copies?

I didn't do shit!

- A lot of people look like me.
- What are you waiting for?

Search his car,
hit him with your flashlight.

- Do what you people do.
- I did it.

- See?
- I stole her cameras,

- They're at my house, let's just go.
- Take him in.

Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am.

I can't give you a ride
with a suspect in the back of the vehicle.

- It's policy.
- So, what am I supposed to do?

Hike home?

I'm in heels, here.

I'm sorry, ma'am,
I'm just doing what we do.

Cute. Right.

Well, what's happening with his car?

Yeah, hey, can I...

Let me just lock it up real quick.
I'll have my mom come get it later.

No, I'll have to call it in for towing.
This is a restricted parking area.

OK, this is ridiculous.
Silas, give me your keys.

- I will drive your car home.
- Absolutely not, no way.

It's over 400 bucks
to get your vehicle out of the impound lot.

Now, give her your keys.

It's my car.

- Hey, what the hell, you can't do that.
- Oh, yes, he can.

Because you have no rights,
you thieving little shit.

Son,

get in the back of my vehicle right now.
Let's go, come on.

It's done. Let's go. Come on.

I'm just trying to find
some power bars, OK?

Power bars, that can't be right.

What do you call these?

Bars of reception?

On my phone,
I call it the shrinking pyramid.

Kind of like your dick.

Hey, man, that's not cool.
We don't even know these people.

Oh, bars, bars, bars, got it. Here we go.
Please don't shoot me.

Hey, Nancy.

Surprise, it's me, Celia.

OK, but I didn't... I didn't call you.

No, you meant to call Silas,
but, you know, he's not here right now.

I had him arrested,
and he admitted taking my cameras.

You can probably reach him
at the Agrestic Police Station,

if they're letting him take calls.

Oh, and you know, Nance,
you're gonna have to reimburse me

for gas money, because...

...your irresponsible adolescent has
left me with an empty tank and... Hello?

- We gotta go.
- Like hell.

Hello, Nancy? Rude!

As usual.

Where is the fucking gas pop-up thing?

Fuck.

Where are we going?

I know where the pot is,

and if you let us go get it,
we'll bring it right back, I swear.

Guns on me.

- I stay.
- What?

Oh, because you wouldn't know
that we're coming back, I got it.

- OK, Vasag will go with you.
- Marvin, you're up. Go.

If y'all not back with the broccoli
by dark,

I'm shooting your boy here... in the nuts.

And I will shoot him
in the kneecap and the elbow.

And so on, so you better get moving.

I forgot my purse. Sorry. Be back soon.
Oh, no shooting, OK?

He's 12, brown hair, brown eyes,
he's wearing a beige suit, blue shirt.

Hey... If you find him,
could you just call me?

We had to sedate his mother.

Yes, yes, very upsetting.

You have my cell number?
Thank you. Thank you, bye.

I'm telling you, man,
after a lifetime of sardines and blubber,

a fast-food burrito
ain't gonna be kind to you.

You called the fucking cops, didn't you?

He's my nephew.
I called in an AMBER Alert.

If the police find him first,
and you fucked up my bounty,

I'm wiping my ass with you.

Ah!

Hey, is this the truck version
of setting me adrift on an ice floe?

Shane, this is Bear.
We met over there by the candy machine,

and he showed me that the lid
to the mini-mint patties was loose. Look.

Mm, that's yummy.

So, listen, little guy.

I am going to hitch a ride
to South America with Bear,

but I'm gonna leave you the van,
so you can go...

home, or to Pittsburgh,
or wherever you wanna go, OK?

- I'm 12.
- I was driving at eight.

Don't make him feel bad, Bear.

OK, after you finish your sandwich,
go to the big parking lot out back

and practice driving around a little bit
until you feel comfortable.

I'm sure you'll get the hang of it
really quickly.

- Can you show me how?
- I'm sorry, kid, I'm on a tight schedule.

Yeah, he's on a really tight schedule
and, you know, he's doing me the favour,

so, when he says go, I gotta go.

And I said go half an hour ago,
so chop-chop. Tempus fugit.

Oh, my God, you speak Greek.
How cute is that?

It's Latin, and the actual quotation is,
Fugit irreparabile tempus,

which means, irretrievable time is flying.

Well, fuck me with a dictionary, kid.

Get beat up much?

OK. Honey, honey...

sit down.

I know that this must be rough,

but I think that you can use this
as an opportunity to explore

and to grow and to learn that you should
always keep an up-to-date passport

on your person at all times.

So, here are the keys to the van.

Here's about $13 in change

that I liberated from
the tampon machine in the ladies' room.

I want you to have it.
Have amazing adventures, Shane.

We'll meet again.
I'll be older, but I'll still be hot.

And you'll be older,

and you'll still be the same, smart,
wise, gentle soul that you are now,

but you'll be taller.

And I think that you're gonna do

some really interesting things
with your facial hair.

I just see it.

OK, sweetie? Heart hug, heart hug.

OK? Be well. I think you're amazing.

Bye.

Man, this is a fucking police station.

I told you, there's a guy in there
who knows where the pot is.

I'm just gonna go talk to him and leave.
OK?

And who is this guy?
He a cop or something?

No, he's a criminal, just like us.
It's gonna be fine.

You pull any shit up in there,

we kill you and we kill
your boy Conrad, dig?

Fully digging, completely dug.

One more thing, you and Conrad, are you
like together-together, or just like what?

We're business partners. Can I go in now?

You ain't done nothing?

Come on, two fine-looking people,
all hormones and shit,

working side by side.

OK, fine. We kissed once.

But I don't know, we never really talked
about it, and now it's kind of weird,

and this whole thing
happened with you guys,

so it's not exactly a great time for us
to process our feelings.

- So, no booty, huh?
- No, no booty.

Ha!

- What do you mean, "Ha"?
- As in I bet U-Turn and I win.

I knew that pretty nigger
never got up in your business.

- How do you know?
- You just told me.

I know that. How did you know before?

- I just knew.
- How?

- I just did.
- How?

I've gotta go. This discussion is not over.

Yeah, it is,
cos I know these type of things.

I'm like a deep dicking psychic.

Leave the keys
so we can listen to the radio.

Jesus Christ,
what do you want from me now?

I can't believe you told Dana.
How could you tell Dana?

You fuck up my marriage,
I fuck up yours. Even.

- Even, my ass! I love Dana.
- Then what were you doing inside my wife?

Your wife's enticing snatch has nothing to do
with my deep and abiding love for my wife.

So give me your car keys.
I'm going after my woman.

I drive a motorcycle.

And I'm not giving you
a goddamn thing, you asshole.

I was married to Celia
for 17 fucking years,

and you waltzed in
and fucked everything up. Literally.

I only wish I'd fucked your wife
before I told her you cheated.

Dana would never fuck you!

- Oh, really, how do you know?
- Dana won't fuck anyone.

Something about a short cervix
and how she might be a lesbian.

You have four kids.

Whose names could have been
Tequila Shots,

Snuck It In While She Was Sleeping,
Doing It For A Lexus, and Turkey Baster.

But she gets me, she thinks I'm funny.

She buys my underwear,
she puts new blades in my razor.

She makes these amazing lamb chops.
And you told!

The only thing Dana hates
more than sex is public embarrassment.

She is never gonna forgive me.

- You home-wrecking fuck!
- Ah!

God... damn it!

My marriage is over.

Yeah? Well, welcome to the club.

- Oh, shit, I'm bleeding.
- Good.

Jesus!

H. Christ.

You know,
I dropped you on your head once.

You were about 15 months old.

We were playing this game
where you'd climb up my legs

and I'd flip you over and you'd land
back on your feet, but this one time,

you kept climbing up my body
and you wouldn't flip.

And I'm holding your hands,
and your little feet are scaling up my body

and onto my shoulders,
and I'm saying, "Silas, stop."

But you were laughing.

You were almost completely upside down.

Your hard-soled shoe goes... wham,

right into my eye, and...

I let go.

You went headfirst... into the hardwood.

If Celia hadn't shown up,
we'd be in business right now.

How did you even get into the safe?

The combination was your maiden name.
You think that was tricky?

Wow. You know what?
I can't do this right now.

I need to get my hands on what you took

and give it back to some people who will
do some very bad things if I don't.

Am I being clear?

- What bad things?
- Silas!

Where is the... Where is the dry-cleaning?

I need every last bag of clothing
or my boss is going to kill me -

just shoot me dead. You got that?

Dead!

Where is it?

It's all in the trunk of my car.

- Your car?
- Yes.

Would that be the car Celia's driving?

- That would be it.
- Jesus Christ.

The cop took my keys
and gave them to her.

I couldn't do anything.

Can't your husband help you out of this?

Mom?

Mom!

I gotta go.

- Are you taking me with you?
- What?

No. At least if you're here,
I know where you are.

- Hello, Andy?
- Hey, Nance, how's it going?

Yeah, yeah, of course I got Shane.

In fact, I think we're gonna stay out
for a while, is that cool?

Yeah? Great!

OK, don't worry about a thing,
and he's having a blast.

Don't be such a mother hen.
OK, we'll see you later, OK, bye.

I've seen her, she stole mint patties.
You gonna pay for those?

The kid, was there a kid with her,
about yea high, beige suit?

Sure, the kid was here. Had the grilled
cheese special and paid all in quarters.

He left a decent tip, though.

How long ago did the girl leave?

Oh, about two hours.
She left with Bear.

- What does that mean?
- Bear, he's a trucker.

And the kid was with them,
with the girl and the Bear?

They left, and then the
kid drove a blue van

around the parking lot for an hour
before taking off.

A little young to be driving,
if you ask me, but,

all the preservatives people eat nowadays,
everybody's looking younger, so...

- who knows?
- Oh, man, come on, we gotta jam.

What kind of rig does Bear drive?

Blue, like a cerulean blue,

but with sparkle in it.
Yosemite Sam mud flaps.

I know it's a cliché,
but I think he's being ironic.

Holy Ned, you're a giant redwood.
Move, Redwood!

I'm not Redwood. I'm not Yetiman,

Master Mohawk, Chief Wiggum,

Eskimo Pie, Great White North,

or Washington Redskin,

and I'm not your snow nigger,
you rude piece of shit.

I'm fucking through with you.

He...

Hey! Hey, hey!

Come on, I called you snow nigga,
with an "a."

Jeez, Nanook, you're so sensitive.

Oh!

You don't even know
if the bitch's coming back.

I got a hundred G's cash out the door.

I'm offering you a great
deal here, take it.

That's not a great deal.

Shut your mouth before I piss in it.

That's just bad hygiene.

- Where were you raised?
- Where were you raised?

Unibrow, stinky armpit,
sweat-suit-wearing motherfucker.

50 cent on the dollar. Final offer.
Take it.

Euch!

What?

- Is that a "yes"?
- No.

Fine, fine, yes, I'll take it.

- Wise choice.
- Shit.

Celia, it's Nancy. I'd really like
to get Silas's car back. Please call me.

- It stinks in here.
- How could you let him smoke in my car?

No more smoking in this car.

No more puff-puff with the tobacco stick.

You're rude, you know that?
You're gonna get cancer.

Hey, I thought these things were supposed
to get great gas mileage and shit.

They do. Just haven't filled
the tank for two weeks.

Two weeks is pretty good.

Hey! Hey!

Armenian guy.

Hey!

That was weird.

Get away from the car!
Get the fuck away from the car!

Marvin, what are we doing?

I was thinking that the car
was gonna blow up.

Oh.

Those Armenians,
they like to blow shit up, you know?

Really?

Actually, I don't know. He the first one
I met, but he seemed real shifty.

Hello?

Oh.

OK, and he never tapped it.

You owe me a flat screen, motherfucker.

Oh, yes, you do!

OK.

Bye.

We can get back in the car now.

Who was that?

U-Turn.

What'd he say?

You were traded.

I was what?

He says he bought
your debt off the Armenians.

Your ass and your grass is all his now.

And he says if we don't come back
with the pot soon,

I gotta shoot you in the head.
So, let's really focus on finding it, OK?

You got a really nice head.

Thanks.

How much do I love the over-medicated?

I can feel my pores tightening.

Check this out. Tylenol... with codeine.

Ooh, me, me, me, me, me, me, me!

Ohh!

Hey, man, look.

I'm so sorry I fucked your wife
with my giant cock.

I am so not threatened by you.

I happen to be hung like a beer can.
And I'm talking Guinness stout.

Oh, please. You're like one of
those mini bottles of Crystal Geyser.

Fuck you, I've seen you in the steam.
I got you by a good inch.

You care to make it interesting?

How much?

Your share of the bouillon
when Nancy sells the crop.

- That's a lot of cash.
- Yeah? I got a lot of dick.

You're on, bitch.

- Here, come here.
- All right, come on.

- Come on.
- Uh-huh.

- See.
- Yeah, you know. You're all talk, buddy.

- Oh, yeah?
- You're all talk.

- Winner and still champion.
- Yeah, only in length.

That's what counts, moron.
Circumference doesn't factor in a size war.

Well, then flaccid doesn't count either.
I'm a grower, not a shower.

Wanna measure hard?

Yeah. You're not getting my share
without a fair fight.

- Fine.
- All right.

Come on.

- Occupied!
- Occupied!

- We took too many drugs.
- Yes, yes, we did.

We're having a great time,
we're at the dump.

Yeah. He...

He wanted to see where the trash went.

OK, bye.

This is one nice fucking
neighbourhood.

- How long you live here?
- Too long. Shh, it's ringing.

Looks like it's from a movie.

Like with the plants and trees,
no chain-link.

These places got alarms?

Celia, I'm outside your house.
Where's my son's car?

Why, it's in your driveway, Nancy.
I told him I'd drive it home,

and I always try to be a woman of my word.

Oh, you owe me $37.50 for gas.

Hello?

Hello, Nancy?

Shit. Shit, shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit, shit.

This ain't good.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

Silas's phone, Celia speaking.

Hey, Nancy, I helped myself
to some of your vodka,

I hope you don't mind.

Oh, and I borrowed some garden shears.

You know, they were really helpful,
so, thanks.

I did this for your own good, Nancy.

He gonna be mad.