Weeds (2005–2012): Season 2, Episode 12 - Pittsburgh - full transcript
"Pittsburgh" is no doubt where Nancy wishes she was by the end of this the second season finale. It was supposed to be a simple transaction: Nancy and Conrad sell all of their MILF Weed supply to U-turn, hand the money over to Peter, then walk away; but thanks to her oldest son, Silas, an unanticipated double-cross, and a surprise visit from the Armenians, let's just say things are NOT going according to plan. Elsewhere, Shane delivers the most profane elementary school commencement address ever; Doug and Dean get into a smack-down at the graduation party over Celia; speaking of Celia, with her life falling apart, she devotes her energy to finding out who stole her cameras and signs; Kat can't talk Andy into running away with her to Paraguay, so she takes Shane with her instead(!); Silas leaves a big surprise for Nancy in her safe; but he's the one who's surprised when Celia finally catches up with him.
Previously on Weeds.
I'm having an affair with Doug.
Hey, let's play
some more surveillance videos.
No, we can't.
"Drug Free Zone" bandit
finally stole my last camera.
Silas.
I'm going to be the class speaker
for graduation.
Will you stop hitting on my boyfriend?
- Then why are you with her?
- It's never boring.
Abumchuck.
He's just this bounty hunter.
I did something illegal.
You are no longer welcome in my house.
How did Dana take it?
She would have been devastated.
You didn't do it?
I've been thinking
it might be a good idea to...
- Flee?
- Relocate.
You are a drug dealer.
I do not love him.
And I'm never gonna love him.
- He don't know that, right?
- No, I left it okay, I think.
Take your last harvest, get a single buyer,
make a quick deal,
and then hand all the cash over to me.
And then I want you
to make every effort to ensure
that I never see you again.
Or your boyfriend here
is going to be just another dead nigger!
You getting the shakedown
from Mr. Federal Agent?
Welcome to the fucking party.
- You in?
- Yeah, I'll take it.
Now where you supposed
to get that kind of money by tomorrow?
We got guns.
Tomorrow, 3:00 at the grow house.
Just you and me and your friend, right?
- Why?
- It just wouldn't be any fun without him.
It's Shane's graduation. I can't do this.
You gonna reschedule with U-Turn?
- What do you want?
- Something you want.
Pussy?
Greetings, Agrestic Elementary School,
class of 2006.
Greetings, Agrestic Elementary School,
class of 2006.
Hello, teachers, siblings, parents,
stepparents, pets.
No pets.
Okay.
Greetings, Agrestic Elementary School,
class of 2006.
Did you know about all this stuff?
Of course not. You never clean anymore.
- I think he do this for you.
- Please.
Look, he decide to steal cameras,
not the car stereos and doorknobs.
Why would anyone steal a doorknob?
There are some nice doorknobs.
- Lupita, listen.
- Yes?
- If something were to happen to me...
- What's going to happen to you?
- Nothing, nothing, but if something did...
- Yes?
The kids go to my sister Jill.
Not to Andy, okay? Jill.
Her number's in my book.
Jill Price-Gray with a fucking hyphen.
- Fucking hyphen.
- Under "J" for Jill.
You know what? Don't worry about it.
Nothing is gonna happen. Yeah.
I'm gonna be fine.
- Okay.
- Okay.
I'm not going to Chile with you.
Okay. To Bolivia, then,
or one of the guays. Para? Ura?
You decide.
Why? Why do we have to leave?
Because I stole $1.3 million worth
of poker chips from a casino in Canada.
And Abumchuck
is not just a bounty hunter,
but he's also an ultimate fighter.
But don't worry. I have a plan.
We'll go down to South America.
We find this guy, Helmut, serious gambler.
He'll buy the chips
for 34 cents on the dollar,
and we'll get a little
casita and have babies.
I always know exactly when I'm ovulating.
Oh, my God.
We'll leave today after graduation.
I'll make a Waldorf salad for the road
or a corn salad.
I make a great corn salad.
Do we have a cooler?
You know, I haven't forgotten
how you stabbed me,
screaming, "Die, shitheel, die."
You stepped on my spirit turtle.
You are bat-shit nuts, Kat,
and I love that about you.
But I never meant for you to find me again,
and I cannot go away with you.
You know how I hate to travel alone.
I want to lick the space
where your toes used to be.
I know you do. I know.
Oh, God, that's it, right there,
right there, right there.
Son of a bitch.
Son of a fucking cold bitch.
Silas, it's me again.
I'm offering you amnesty
if you come home in the next hour.
Probation, if you show up for graduation.
At the very least,
please let me know you're okay.
Wow. You look very handsome.
Are we moving?
Why don't you let me get through today,
and then ask me
about that again tomorrow, okay?
Is Silas coming to my graduation?
I'm not sure about that.
- Mom?
- Yeah?
What do I tell people
when they ask what you do?
You tell them I'm your mom.
I've been doing some research
on the Internet,
and I really think
Pittsburgh is the place for us.
I'll keep that in mind.
Pittsburgh. Okay.
Pittsburgh.
- Good morning.
- "Good morning," what?
Oh, no. I spilled.
I'll go get the paper towels.
Honey, relax. It's just a little milk.
- But Mom will totally...
- Mom will what?
- Mom's not here.
- But she'll be back.
No, honey. Not this time. Really. Come on.
Dad, you know the Harry Potter books
that we've read?
Love them all. Love the Harry Potter.
Mom is Voldemort. Don't you know that?
You may have reduced her to vapor now,
but she is out there,
gathering her strength,
and she will be back.
Don't you know that?
You better get ready for graduation.
Big day today. Big day.
Silas, we're leaving for graduation now.
I hope you'll meet us there.
This is really important to Shane. Really.
Don't do this to him.
Oh... Jesus, you scared me.
Good.
I hope you peed your panties.
- Where is he?
- Who?
Oh, right. I guess you had to ask that.
"Who, Celia,
"the one who called you a drunk
at a public assembly
"or the one who stole civic property?"
I have no idea what you're talking about.
I have Silas on video stealing.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Oh, not today.
Mom, we're gonna be late.
Where the hell did you get a gun?
I borrowed it from Pam.
Oh, my God!
I only had the one bullet.
I was gonna shoot Doug.
I'll see you at graduation.
Are you okay?
This would have never happened
in Pittsburgh.
Why am I even here?
I heard you might be meeting
your maker today, so we figured,
"Let's send that boy off to die
with a nice hot breakfast in his belly."
- What do you know?
- What do we know?
Vaneeta, what do we know?
Is the baby too little for a blueberry?
No, but if you give it to him,
cut it up real small.
And put a bib on,
'cause that shit gonna stain.
Heylia got a little visit
from your girlfriend.
I told her not to come to you all.
Don't nobody listen to you, Conrad.
He come after you?
- Yeah.
- He gonna want to finish it.
Probably.
Let me ask you this. You want to die today?
No.
Eat your fucking waffle.
Greetings, Agrestic Elementary School,
class of 2006.
Hello, teachers, parents,
stepparents, siblings,
boyfriends and girlfriends of parents,
assorted relatives,
friends of your mom and dad
who you call aunt and uncle
who really aren't, and Principal Dodge.
As I stand before you today
on the brink of junior high,
here is what I have to say.
You have failed us all!
Everything is not okay!
We have become alienated,
desensitized,
angry and frightened.
If we picture Agrestic as an airplane,
a grand soaring jet
carrying us through the sky,
I think you all need to understand,
there are motherfucking snakes
on this motherfucking plane.
Okay. Okay, that's it, Botwin.
That is quite enough.
You said no profanity.
You are done. Now, here's your diploma.
And you are
Agrestic Junior High's problem now.
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's time to give out the diplomas.
- Let him speak! Let him speak!
- Let him speak! Let him speak!
Motherfucking let him
motherfucking speak!
I will call off this graduation
if we don't have order right now!
- I mean it!
- God.
- Let him speak! Let him speak!
- Silence! I'm not...
- Let him speak! Let him speak!
- Everybody, be quiet.
- Let him speak! Let him speak!
- We are not safe!
You moved here so that you could
feel safe, but your children are not safe!
So help me, I will boot you
off the stage like a NERF ball.
- I'm not done.
- I have to go.
You can take Shane to the party,
and I'll see you guys later.
Tell Shane I'm sorry I had to go.
- Where are you going?
- It's business.
- No. No, but you...
- Will you turn off this fucking mike?
Where are you going?
Congratulations, you've all graduated.
Goodbye.
Either you control your woman, or I will.
I hear you. I'm cutting in.
Are you my boyfriend or not?
I liberated a case of Cactus Cooler
for the ride.
- I'm not coming with you.
- It tastes like baby aspirin.
Oh, well, in that case,
I'm still not going with you.
Jesus, you scared me.
You ought to let a person know
you're coming.
I could have cut you up
into seven little men holding hands.
You hear from our friend?
Yeah, he left a note on my car.
He's trying to scare me.
- Is it working?
- Fuck, yes.
You're a good kisser.
- Oh, shit.
- What? What's "Oh, shit"?
Abumchuck.
It's now or never. Come with me.
I can't be alone,
and you're my favorite person on Earth.
I can't do it, Kat.
Fine. Fuck you. Give me your van keys.
You can't have my van.
I'm just gonna steal it anyway.
Fine.
- Wife-fucker.
- Career-wrecker.
- You punched my neck.
- You're freakishly tall.
I'm also freakishly long, so imagine
how much of me was inside your wife.
- Hey, come here.
- Did you hear my speech?
- No, I missed it.
- You're an asshole.
Look, I'm sorry. Okay? I had stuff to do.
Where's Mom?
I don't know.
She took off during my speech.
- Did she say where she was going?
- No, she just left.
Some fucking family
you got stuck with, huh?
Hey, what's up?
Man, you coming in real time,
or you coming in black-people time?
All right, we'll be here.
Black-people time?
Some of us like watermelon.
Some of us got big dicks.
Most of us have trouble
getting places on time.
I get it.
I like gin, and I'm not much for hugging.
Did you bring a gun?
Actually, that's one cultural stereotype
that I am not fulfilling today.
I brought a gun.
Celia left one at my house this morning
after she shot out my kitchen cabinet.
Jesus. Give me that fucking thing.
There aren't any bullets in it.
Another great plan from you.
You shouldn't put metal in a microwave.
Hi, honey, I got your note.
You sure know how to charm a girl.
Have you been fucking him the whole time
you were married to me?
- No, I told you that.
- But you're a liar.
It's just business between us.
Always has been.
Your loss. She fucks like a wild animal.
Hey, guys.
Oh, isn't it my shift?
You're the little shit
who smashed my muffin.
Forgive me?
If you let go, I will kill you.
I will kill you.
I will kill you, you son of a bitch.
I will...
Oh! All right, now you're dead.
Now you are fucking dead, Doug Wilson!
I have no respect for you personally,
but I always thought you were cute.
And I'm single now.
I worked you like a puppet!
I swear to God, I'm gonna fucking kill you!
Listen to me! You listen to me!
Get off me right now,
and I might spare your fucking life!
By the way, have you seen your nephew?
Oh, never mind.
Suit looks good.
I'll be in touch.
Get the fuck out of my way.
Jesus, people are so rude in the South.
Well, that's it.
- Yeah?
- Yep, we're broken up.
Sorry, kid. He's a heartbreaker, that one.
- Yeah, well, maybe they deserve each other.
- Who?
Shane and Kat.
Yeah, well, she's gone.
I know. They left together.
They left... Shit. When?
A few minutes ago.
The two of them took off.
Yo, motherfuckers, anybody home?
Big bad wolf coming in.
- I'll be waiting in my truck.
- What the fuck, little piggies?
You out, too.
- Not with him.
- Somebody got to answer the door.
Hold up!
Okay.
Just be very quiet. You hear me?
Okay. No noise.
Don't come out of here, no matter what.
Don't you come out, okay? Okay.
- Oh, hey.
- It's about time.
I was just about to huff and puff.
Some nice setup you got here.
Now take off your shirt.
- What?
- Take off your fucking shirt.
Marvin, check Conrad for a wire.
She's mine.
- Now, hold up, dog. That's bullshit.
- It's called due diligent.
Now, are you gonna do the diligent,
or am I?
It's diligence.
It's nice titties.
Okay, I've shown you mine.
You show me yours.
In a minute. I got to pee.
Where's your fucking toilet?
Doing that maple lemonade fast
flushes you out.
Pees more than my cousin Jerome
who only got one kidney.
Poor Jerome.
We are gonna have the best adventure.
Thanks for keeping me company, Shane.
Cactus Cooler?
- Where are we going?
- Where do you want to go?
- Pittsburgh.
- Okay.
But we have to make a quick stop
in Paraguay first.
Cool.
Tastes like baby aspirin.
Step on it, Geronimo.
You watch that shit, man.
Yes?
No, no, no, no.
Go, go, go. Go.
Kesheshian says "Goodbye."
Yeah, I been on this flush.
Yeah, maple lemonade.
My kid's graduating,
so could we just get through this?
You give us the money.
We give you the drugs.
Everybody goes away.
You don't see the cash
until I see the weed.
- Marvin, help me with this.
- No, hey.
Open it.
No. You don't see the weed
till I see the cash.
You know what?
You're almost right about that.
What the fuck?
Yeah, now give us the drugs,
and we'll let you live.
Open her up.
But where's... Where's the money?
Ain't no money, fool!
I'm a fucking criminal!
Now, open up the safe
before I shoot both you all.
I hear you. You're a wonderful criminal.
Bitch.
What the hell are you thinking, dog?
I'm thinking you ain't got no army.
Oh, shit.
Right now, business is business, homeboy.
- Hey, hey, hey! What the fuck?
- Son of a bitch.
Where's the money?
The negro lady says I kill agent asshole,
you pay us.
He's dead?
Where is my money, Conrad?
We've ran into, like, a little problem.
There ain't no money,
'cause they decided to jack us.
Son of a bitch, motherfucker.
Fine, fine. We take the pot, then.
No way. That's my shit.
Why? You killing federal agent?
Me killing all y'all!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We all got guns.
- Excuse me.
We kill each other,
then nobody gets nothing!
He's dead?
- Peter?
- Yes!
Okay, okay, sorry.
There's a lot of data flying around.
Will somebody open the fucking safe?
- You got to pee again?
- Shut the fuck up!
Open the fucking safe!
- Nancy, open the fucking safe!
- Okay.
Oh, not today.
- Ain't no motherfucking weed in here.
- Where the fuck is the shit?
Bitch, you about to die.
Relax, everybody.
I'm...
I'm reaching for my cell phone. Hold on.
It's ringing.
Hi, Nancy.
Honey, did you take something
that doesn't belong to you?
I want in.
That's him.
That's the little fucker
who stole my cameras.
Arrest him.
Shit.
I'm having an affair with Doug.
Hey, let's play
some more surveillance videos.
No, we can't.
"Drug Free Zone" bandit
finally stole my last camera.
Silas.
I'm going to be the class speaker
for graduation.
Will you stop hitting on my boyfriend?
- Then why are you with her?
- It's never boring.
Abumchuck.
He's just this bounty hunter.
I did something illegal.
You are no longer welcome in my house.
How did Dana take it?
She would have been devastated.
You didn't do it?
I've been thinking
it might be a good idea to...
- Flee?
- Relocate.
You are a drug dealer.
I do not love him.
And I'm never gonna love him.
- He don't know that, right?
- No, I left it okay, I think.
Take your last harvest, get a single buyer,
make a quick deal,
and then hand all the cash over to me.
And then I want you
to make every effort to ensure
that I never see you again.
Or your boyfriend here
is going to be just another dead nigger!
You getting the shakedown
from Mr. Federal Agent?
Welcome to the fucking party.
- You in?
- Yeah, I'll take it.
Now where you supposed
to get that kind of money by tomorrow?
We got guns.
Tomorrow, 3:00 at the grow house.
Just you and me and your friend, right?
- Why?
- It just wouldn't be any fun without him.
It's Shane's graduation. I can't do this.
You gonna reschedule with U-Turn?
- What do you want?
- Something you want.
Pussy?
Greetings, Agrestic Elementary School,
class of 2006.
Greetings, Agrestic Elementary School,
class of 2006.
Hello, teachers, siblings, parents,
stepparents, pets.
No pets.
Okay.
Greetings, Agrestic Elementary School,
class of 2006.
Did you know about all this stuff?
Of course not. You never clean anymore.
- I think he do this for you.
- Please.
Look, he decide to steal cameras,
not the car stereos and doorknobs.
Why would anyone steal a doorknob?
There are some nice doorknobs.
- Lupita, listen.
- Yes?
- If something were to happen to me...
- What's going to happen to you?
- Nothing, nothing, but if something did...
- Yes?
The kids go to my sister Jill.
Not to Andy, okay? Jill.
Her number's in my book.
Jill Price-Gray with a fucking hyphen.
- Fucking hyphen.
- Under "J" for Jill.
You know what? Don't worry about it.
Nothing is gonna happen. Yeah.
I'm gonna be fine.
- Okay.
- Okay.
I'm not going to Chile with you.
Okay. To Bolivia, then,
or one of the guays. Para? Ura?
You decide.
Why? Why do we have to leave?
Because I stole $1.3 million worth
of poker chips from a casino in Canada.
And Abumchuck
is not just a bounty hunter,
but he's also an ultimate fighter.
But don't worry. I have a plan.
We'll go down to South America.
We find this guy, Helmut, serious gambler.
He'll buy the chips
for 34 cents on the dollar,
and we'll get a little
casita and have babies.
I always know exactly when I'm ovulating.
Oh, my God.
We'll leave today after graduation.
I'll make a Waldorf salad for the road
or a corn salad.
I make a great corn salad.
Do we have a cooler?
You know, I haven't forgotten
how you stabbed me,
screaming, "Die, shitheel, die."
You stepped on my spirit turtle.
You are bat-shit nuts, Kat,
and I love that about you.
But I never meant for you to find me again,
and I cannot go away with you.
You know how I hate to travel alone.
I want to lick the space
where your toes used to be.
I know you do. I know.
Oh, God, that's it, right there,
right there, right there.
Son of a bitch.
Son of a fucking cold bitch.
Silas, it's me again.
I'm offering you amnesty
if you come home in the next hour.
Probation, if you show up for graduation.
At the very least,
please let me know you're okay.
Wow. You look very handsome.
Are we moving?
Why don't you let me get through today,
and then ask me
about that again tomorrow, okay?
Is Silas coming to my graduation?
I'm not sure about that.
- Mom?
- Yeah?
What do I tell people
when they ask what you do?
You tell them I'm your mom.
I've been doing some research
on the Internet,
and I really think
Pittsburgh is the place for us.
I'll keep that in mind.
Pittsburgh. Okay.
Pittsburgh.
- Good morning.
- "Good morning," what?
Oh, no. I spilled.
I'll go get the paper towels.
Honey, relax. It's just a little milk.
- But Mom will totally...
- Mom will what?
- Mom's not here.
- But she'll be back.
No, honey. Not this time. Really. Come on.
Dad, you know the Harry Potter books
that we've read?
Love them all. Love the Harry Potter.
Mom is Voldemort. Don't you know that?
You may have reduced her to vapor now,
but she is out there,
gathering her strength,
and she will be back.
Don't you know that?
You better get ready for graduation.
Big day today. Big day.
Silas, we're leaving for graduation now.
I hope you'll meet us there.
This is really important to Shane. Really.
Don't do this to him.
Oh... Jesus, you scared me.
Good.
I hope you peed your panties.
- Where is he?
- Who?
Oh, right. I guess you had to ask that.
"Who, Celia,
"the one who called you a drunk
at a public assembly
"or the one who stole civic property?"
I have no idea what you're talking about.
I have Silas on video stealing.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Oh, not today.
Mom, we're gonna be late.
Where the hell did you get a gun?
I borrowed it from Pam.
Oh, my God!
I only had the one bullet.
I was gonna shoot Doug.
I'll see you at graduation.
Are you okay?
This would have never happened
in Pittsburgh.
Why am I even here?
I heard you might be meeting
your maker today, so we figured,
"Let's send that boy off to die
with a nice hot breakfast in his belly."
- What do you know?
- What do we know?
Vaneeta, what do we know?
Is the baby too little for a blueberry?
No, but if you give it to him,
cut it up real small.
And put a bib on,
'cause that shit gonna stain.
Heylia got a little visit
from your girlfriend.
I told her not to come to you all.
Don't nobody listen to you, Conrad.
He come after you?
- Yeah.
- He gonna want to finish it.
Probably.
Let me ask you this. You want to die today?
No.
Eat your fucking waffle.
Greetings, Agrestic Elementary School,
class of 2006.
Hello, teachers, parents,
stepparents, siblings,
boyfriends and girlfriends of parents,
assorted relatives,
friends of your mom and dad
who you call aunt and uncle
who really aren't, and Principal Dodge.
As I stand before you today
on the brink of junior high,
here is what I have to say.
You have failed us all!
Everything is not okay!
We have become alienated,
desensitized,
angry and frightened.
If we picture Agrestic as an airplane,
a grand soaring jet
carrying us through the sky,
I think you all need to understand,
there are motherfucking snakes
on this motherfucking plane.
Okay. Okay, that's it, Botwin.
That is quite enough.
You said no profanity.
You are done. Now, here's your diploma.
And you are
Agrestic Junior High's problem now.
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's time to give out the diplomas.
- Let him speak! Let him speak!
- Let him speak! Let him speak!
Motherfucking let him
motherfucking speak!
I will call off this graduation
if we don't have order right now!
- I mean it!
- God.
- Let him speak! Let him speak!
- Silence! I'm not...
- Let him speak! Let him speak!
- Everybody, be quiet.
- Let him speak! Let him speak!
- We are not safe!
You moved here so that you could
feel safe, but your children are not safe!
So help me, I will boot you
off the stage like a NERF ball.
- I'm not done.
- I have to go.
You can take Shane to the party,
and I'll see you guys later.
Tell Shane I'm sorry I had to go.
- Where are you going?
- It's business.
- No. No, but you...
- Will you turn off this fucking mike?
Where are you going?
Congratulations, you've all graduated.
Goodbye.
Either you control your woman, or I will.
I hear you. I'm cutting in.
Are you my boyfriend or not?
I liberated a case of Cactus Cooler
for the ride.
- I'm not coming with you.
- It tastes like baby aspirin.
Oh, well, in that case,
I'm still not going with you.
Jesus, you scared me.
You ought to let a person know
you're coming.
I could have cut you up
into seven little men holding hands.
You hear from our friend?
Yeah, he left a note on my car.
He's trying to scare me.
- Is it working?
- Fuck, yes.
You're a good kisser.
- Oh, shit.
- What? What's "Oh, shit"?
Abumchuck.
It's now or never. Come with me.
I can't be alone,
and you're my favorite person on Earth.
I can't do it, Kat.
Fine. Fuck you. Give me your van keys.
You can't have my van.
I'm just gonna steal it anyway.
Fine.
- Wife-fucker.
- Career-wrecker.
- You punched my neck.
- You're freakishly tall.
I'm also freakishly long, so imagine
how much of me was inside your wife.
- Hey, come here.
- Did you hear my speech?
- No, I missed it.
- You're an asshole.
Look, I'm sorry. Okay? I had stuff to do.
Where's Mom?
I don't know.
She took off during my speech.
- Did she say where she was going?
- No, she just left.
Some fucking family
you got stuck with, huh?
Hey, what's up?
Man, you coming in real time,
or you coming in black-people time?
All right, we'll be here.
Black-people time?
Some of us like watermelon.
Some of us got big dicks.
Most of us have trouble
getting places on time.
I get it.
I like gin, and I'm not much for hugging.
Did you bring a gun?
Actually, that's one cultural stereotype
that I am not fulfilling today.
I brought a gun.
Celia left one at my house this morning
after she shot out my kitchen cabinet.
Jesus. Give me that fucking thing.
There aren't any bullets in it.
Another great plan from you.
You shouldn't put metal in a microwave.
Hi, honey, I got your note.
You sure know how to charm a girl.
Have you been fucking him the whole time
you were married to me?
- No, I told you that.
- But you're a liar.
It's just business between us.
Always has been.
Your loss. She fucks like a wild animal.
Hey, guys.
Oh, isn't it my shift?
You're the little shit
who smashed my muffin.
Forgive me?
If you let go, I will kill you.
I will kill you.
I will kill you, you son of a bitch.
I will...
Oh! All right, now you're dead.
Now you are fucking dead, Doug Wilson!
I have no respect for you personally,
but I always thought you were cute.
And I'm single now.
I worked you like a puppet!
I swear to God, I'm gonna fucking kill you!
Listen to me! You listen to me!
Get off me right now,
and I might spare your fucking life!
By the way, have you seen your nephew?
Oh, never mind.
Suit looks good.
I'll be in touch.
Get the fuck out of my way.
Jesus, people are so rude in the South.
Well, that's it.
- Yeah?
- Yep, we're broken up.
Sorry, kid. He's a heartbreaker, that one.
- Yeah, well, maybe they deserve each other.
- Who?
Shane and Kat.
Yeah, well, she's gone.
I know. They left together.
They left... Shit. When?
A few minutes ago.
The two of them took off.
Yo, motherfuckers, anybody home?
Big bad wolf coming in.
- I'll be waiting in my truck.
- What the fuck, little piggies?
You out, too.
- Not with him.
- Somebody got to answer the door.
Hold up!
Okay.
Just be very quiet. You hear me?
Okay. No noise.
Don't come out of here, no matter what.
Don't you come out, okay? Okay.
- Oh, hey.
- It's about time.
I was just about to huff and puff.
Some nice setup you got here.
Now take off your shirt.
- What?
- Take off your fucking shirt.
Marvin, check Conrad for a wire.
She's mine.
- Now, hold up, dog. That's bullshit.
- It's called due diligent.
Now, are you gonna do the diligent,
or am I?
It's diligence.
It's nice titties.
Okay, I've shown you mine.
You show me yours.
In a minute. I got to pee.
Where's your fucking toilet?
Doing that maple lemonade fast
flushes you out.
Pees more than my cousin Jerome
who only got one kidney.
Poor Jerome.
We are gonna have the best adventure.
Thanks for keeping me company, Shane.
Cactus Cooler?
- Where are we going?
- Where do you want to go?
- Pittsburgh.
- Okay.
But we have to make a quick stop
in Paraguay first.
Cool.
Tastes like baby aspirin.
Step on it, Geronimo.
You watch that shit, man.
Yes?
No, no, no, no.
Go, go, go. Go.
Kesheshian says "Goodbye."
Yeah, I been on this flush.
Yeah, maple lemonade.
My kid's graduating,
so could we just get through this?
You give us the money.
We give you the drugs.
Everybody goes away.
You don't see the cash
until I see the weed.
- Marvin, help me with this.
- No, hey.
Open it.
No. You don't see the weed
till I see the cash.
You know what?
You're almost right about that.
What the fuck?
Yeah, now give us the drugs,
and we'll let you live.
Open her up.
But where's... Where's the money?
Ain't no money, fool!
I'm a fucking criminal!
Now, open up the safe
before I shoot both you all.
I hear you. You're a wonderful criminal.
Bitch.
What the hell are you thinking, dog?
I'm thinking you ain't got no army.
Oh, shit.
Right now, business is business, homeboy.
- Hey, hey, hey! What the fuck?
- Son of a bitch.
Where's the money?
The negro lady says I kill agent asshole,
you pay us.
He's dead?
Where is my money, Conrad?
We've ran into, like, a little problem.
There ain't no money,
'cause they decided to jack us.
Son of a bitch, motherfucker.
Fine, fine. We take the pot, then.
No way. That's my shit.
Why? You killing federal agent?
Me killing all y'all!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We all got guns.
- Excuse me.
We kill each other,
then nobody gets nothing!
He's dead?
- Peter?
- Yes!
Okay, okay, sorry.
There's a lot of data flying around.
Will somebody open the fucking safe?
- You got to pee again?
- Shut the fuck up!
Open the fucking safe!
- Nancy, open the fucking safe!
- Okay.
Oh, not today.
- Ain't no motherfucking weed in here.
- Where the fuck is the shit?
Bitch, you about to die.
Relax, everybody.
I'm...
I'm reaching for my cell phone. Hold on.
It's ringing.
Hi, Nancy.
Honey, did you take something
that doesn't belong to you?
I want in.
That's him.
That's the little fucker
who stole my cameras.
Arrest him.
Shit.