Weeds (2005–2012): Season 3, Episode 2 - A Pool and His Money - full transcript

Previously on Weeds...

Give me that fucking thing.

There aren't any bullets in it.

Don't come out of here,
no matter what. Don't come out.

If she doesn't find the pot,
ain't nobody getting shit!

Guns on me. I stay.

Man, this is the fucking police station.

- Where is it?
- It's all in the trunk of my car.

- The car that Celia's driving?
- That would be it.

He's my nephew,
I called in an AMBER Alert.

She left with Bear, and then
the kid drove a blue van



around the parking lot
for an hour before taking off.

Come on, we gotta jam!

We're having a great time.

We're gonna grab some dinner,
then we'll be home.

- 50 cent on the dollar. Final offer.
- Fine.

- Your ass and your grass is all his now.
- Shit.

Silas's phone.

I borrowed some garden shears.

- You know, they were really helpful.
- He gonna be mad.

I did this for you, Nancy.

You should be thanking me
for not having you arrested.

Hi, I'm Celia.

- And you are?
- Marvin.

Are you one of Nancy's
drug dealer friends?



No.

No, he's not my friend.

He's gonna kill me.

Isn't that right, Marvin?

But please, do me this one last favour.

Kill her, too. First. In front of me.
Please.

No one will know it was you.
Just blow her fucking brains out.

And let me watch, and then
you can do whatever you want to me.

- She's just kidding.
- No, no, not kidding. Here.

If you throw that fucking rock at me,
I am going straight to the police,

and you can rot in jail with Silas.

I am trying to help you.

We just know each other
from the grocery store.

- I'm a bagger, and...
- Bullshit.

Like there is an obese black bag boy
at any market in a 30-mile range of here.

In Agrestic, the people are white,
and the help is brown, not black.

You know, you're nasty.

Get the fuck out of my yard!

OK, I can see that you're upset.

Being a drug dealer
that's just been caught and all.

Well, this must be
very embarrassing for you.

I'll come back
when you've had a chance to think,

and we'll talk.

And if you need a pool man,
I have a really great guy.

Holy shit!

That's one crazy bitch!

You think she's gonna tell?

No way.

She'd never wanna give up
having this over me.

- Grab the other skimmer and help me.
- I don't think this is gonna work, Nancy.

Marvin, I don't need your

fucking negativity right now,
just grab the fucking pole and skim!

Nancy,

I will kill your boy with pain.

As it is, I just might have to kick him

in his kidney because you ain't here yet.

Next one goes in his fucking head.

I don't appreciate
being inconvenienced like that.

Now, put Marvin back
on the goddamn phone.

Yo. With or without the jahooby,

you and her get back here by nine o'clock,
you understand me?

Light a fire under that bitch's ass.
I'm getting cranky.

Ho-sa.

- Why are you so quiet?
- Why are you pointing a gun at my head?

Oh, I'm sorry...

friend.

Is that better?

No?

- How about now?
- I ain't playing, Louis.

All you gotta do is snatch it.

You might be quicker than I think.

But what happens
when you got the gun, farmer?

You think you could end me?

You think you got any thug in you?

Come on, Farmer Brown, end this shit now.

See!

That's the shit right there that makes
me owe Marvin a fucking flat screen.

Can't pick up the gun when it counts!

Can't fuck the white bitch
when she's right in front of you!

We're just friends.

- Yeah! Marvin said you all kissed.
- What you want me to say, Louis?

You bust in here, try to rip me off,

hold me hostage, threaten to kill me...

Bitch, bitch, bitch.

You should be kissing my ass in spades.

Cos instead of owing them
hummus-eating motherfuckers,

you only owe me.

Oh, no, see, Nancy's gonna
bring the weed back here,

and then we don't owe you nothing.

And I don't want nothing
to do with you after.

OK! Now, see, now you just
hurtin' my feelings.

I just wanted to know how she kisses.

She look like she kisses real sweet.

Cut the shit, cos it's
getting old real fast.

I tell you what.

I let you keep a couple
bricks of that pot...

if you let me fuck her

on this corner.

Right here.

I mean, seeing as
the two of you just kissed,

I don't see you having a problem with that.

- Shit.
- What the fuck was that?

What the fuck?

Yo, bitch in the closet!

- Uh-huh.
- Open it. Open real wide.

I'm gay.

Well?

Microwave wrecked everything.

And the stuff in the oven
just kind of stuck together in a clump.

Well, will you get in here and try this?

- What you got to smoke it with?
- I don't know, I don't have a bowl.

- I'm not really a smoker.
- Seriously?

- Control issues.
- You got soda in a can?

There's Diet Coke in the fridge.
Just dump it in the sink.

- You got root beer?
- Does it matter?

I like root beer, I'm thirsty.

Just try the pot first, then you can
raid the fridge for whatever you want.

- Hello.
- You want a plate for that?

Thank God.
I thought you were Shane and Andy.

Listen, what setting do you think is best for
drying pot that's been in the swimming pool?

Are you trying to make
some hash or something?

Because I don't think
this is how you do it.

Oh, yeah, you and me,
we're doing our jobs.

Doing 'em, doing 'em right.

Hey, it's the "Drugs Are Wrong" lady!

Hey, kids.

That's right.
That's me.

Getting recognised.

Drugs are wrong.

And it feels so right
to not do them.

Just throw them away.

I'm a crusader, you know?

Could you move? You're blocking the goal.

Crusader.

Celia Hodes!
Doing it pro bono!

Not asking for... accolades.

Turning my ankle.

Oh, man, that's fucking awful!

It's like all harsh and no high!
It's wrecked. We fucked.

- Come on, let's go see U-Turn.
- You said we had until nine o'clock.

You gonna grow a new crop
between now and nine?

- Let's go.
- No!

Saying no to me is not a good idea.

Look, I think you're cool and all, but I
will hurt you. I'm a thug, that's what I do!

- I think you need to go with him.
- No, wait! Wait!

I have one more idea.

No, listen!

Best case,
we actually show up with something.

Worst case, you deliver me on time.
What have you got to lose?

Hey, I didn't bring back the right thing
from 7-Eleven once.

Now I got an artificial patella.

- Man, I'm out of here!
- Marvin, please. Marvin!

Look!

Give me one more chance
to make this right.

Please.

Shit!

Hello?

What? He's where?

Thank God! Yeah! Great!

I'll come get him.

Yeah.

Tell him Uncle Andy's coming to get him.

Great, thank you so much.
Thank you, Officer.

Whoo-hoo!

Was that a great party or what?

How would you know?
You spent the whole time in the bathroom.

I'm sorry, honey. I was just working
some stuff out with your Uncle Doug.

That's all right. You weren't even
the most embarrassing parent there.

Martha Straley's mom
wasn't wearing any underwear

and fell over an ottoman
while doing the cha-cha slide,

- and everyone saw.
- I'm sorry I missed that.

- Hey, can we make hot fudge sundaes?
- Oh, my God, that's the best idea ever.

- Dad...
- Yeah, hon?

Mom's passed out in the atrium.

Mom? Mom!

I'm a winner.

Hi, sweetie.

How was the rest of your party?

What the hell you doing here, Celia?

I was...

I just wanted to pick up a few things,

but I couldn't get in
cos all the doors were locked.

And it's been a really long day.

- I bet.
- Could I just...

Do you think...

I could take a bath?

My motel just has a shower,
and I really could use a bath.

Fine.

Take a bath, then please go.

Could you unlock
the door to the bedroom?

Son of a bitch.

So, you want another man's dick up
your ass, that's what you telling me?

Well, I don't know,
I've never tried that. I just...

- I think I've always liked boys.
- I thought you was in love with Nancy.

- Now, who we talking about, Conrad?
- I think that was a...

Judy Garland, Joan Crawford,
Sarah Jessica Parker kind of love.

So, you'll suck a dick?

Yes, I think I would, if
it was the right dick.

Ain't no right dick!

All dick besides your own is wrong, boy.

You know, you need Jesus!

No, I think I just need
to admit to myself what I am,

what I've always been, no matter what you,
or my family, or anyone thinks.

So let me just ask you this.

- You ever fuck a girl?
- Excellent question.

Any pussy in your past?

My cousin Reshma had this friend Meetah
who let me play with her nipples.

- I found it kind of gross.
- Yeah, some women got ugly titties.

That don't mean you're a cock smoker.

Hey. I got your lemonade,
but I ain't add cayenne,

cos I ain't know how much.

But I brought it so you could add it.

- Who got the tuna melt?
- Tuna melt's mine.

Well, look at you.

Do I know you?

- You work for U-Turn?
- He do now!

- Oh, I don't think so.
- Oh, no?

Well, shit.
U-Turn, if you're gonna fuck him up,

leave that pretty face, would you?

- Turkey on whole wheat.
- Oh, that's me. Is there mustard?

Should be on there.

- Clinique, let me holler at you for a second.
- What?

Get your ass over here, now!

What do you think they're talking about?

Look, I need to get the fuck out of here.

I'm gonna grab U-Turn and put a gun
to his head, and you need...

I think they're talking about me!

- What did you say?
- Nothing.

- Just nothing, nothing.
- Yo!

Hurry up and finish that sandwich.

Clinique here gonna take you in
the other room and fuck the gay out of you.

- Excuse me?
- You heard me.

Man...

- I don't think it works that way.
- Clinique gonna make it work!

You sure you don't think you a faggot?

Positive. Thank you, though.

OK, dinner's over.

The two of you,
get in that room and get busy.

OK, baby, take your pants off,
let's see what you got.

Oh, God, help me!

- And where is Conrad?
- He's at the grow house.

- Damn, this is some good pie!
- You enjoy now,

cos if anything happen to my nephew,
you gonna be eating through a tube.

Hey, I'm just an employee!

- I ain't management.
- Could you people keep it down?

I just got the baby asleep.

- Marvin?
- Vaneeta?

Holy shit, how you doing?

I should have killed you
when I had the chance.

Really?

Would you have done it yourself
or hired Armenians?

Oh, I don't know
what the fuck you talking about.

You fucked this up and you know it.

I had it under control!

And then without consulting anyone,
completely outside the huddle,

you made this deal, and that was a mistake.

Your mistake,
and you need to make it right!

So you need to gather up

all the weed in this house,

and we need to take it to U-Turn,
that's what the fuck I'm talking about!

- Oh!
- Ooh, shit!

You gonna come in my house
and drop blame on me?

Me?

Oh, God!

Oh, hell no, bitch!

Get the fuck off me!

You think you can take me?

Ow! She fucking bit me!

Jesus, do something!

Bitch,
have you lost your goddamn mind?

Ohh! What the fuck?

Fine, you all go kill each other!

I'll go back to U-Turn
and say the shit's gone,

and you all can both visit pieces of Conrad
all over the county! I'm outta here.

Wait, what are you talking about Conrad?

What the fuck is going on in here?

Hey, hey, hey...

Oh, this is serious!

Let's go. Let's go!

Ohh!

Thanks for the bath.

Sure.

I'm gonna go.

Bye.

If you're out on the road tonight,

be on the lookout
for a 1972 Ford Supervan,

California license plate number 51 SB310.

And be sure to tune in tonight at eleven,

when the Channel 10 News looks into
the hidden poisons in your vitamins.

Hello!

So you like little boys, huh?

What? The AMBER Alert? Yeah.

- He's my nephew.
- Do you hear that?

He abducted his own nephew.

No, no, I'm the one who called it in.

- What are you doing in the vehicle?
- And where's the little boy?

He must be tied up in the back.

- Look, he's buying chocolate milk.
- No! I like chocolate milk.

I'm rejuvenile.

Yeah, the police have him.
I'm on my way to pick him up.

Bullshit! I just saw the AMBER Alert
not five minutes ago out on the highway.

If the police had him, they'd
have called it off. That's what they do.

Maybe they forgot, I don't know.
Call them. Ask them yourselves.

We'll do that.

Yeah, after we kick your pervert ass,
we'll do that.

My who?

Jesus!

I drove a car.

Yeah?

How far d'you get?

About ten blocks,

then a cop pulled me over
for going too slow.

And being 12.

Where were you trying to go?

- I don't know anymore.
- Yeah.

Do you think Mom's gonna be mad at us?

I think...

we're all gonna be mad at each other
for a while.

Yeah.

Damn! You look like hell.

- Where's my drugs?
- There was a little problem.

Some crazy bitch drowned all the shit
in her swimming pool.

- Wait! Whose swimming pool?
- Mine.

You got a swimming pool?

With a waterfall and a raft
for her kids and everything. It's sweet.

- What the fuck happened?
- It's... It's a long story.

So, no drugs, huh? So...

So, you got my money instead,
that's what you're saying?

Here you go. Game over!

- Let's all go home.
- I wasn't talking to you, was I?

Was I talking to her? No!

I was talking to Janet Evans, here.

- Where's my money?
- Heylia's paying you back

for the money you laid out
to the Armenians, so...

So, she's paying your debt?

I'm here to pay Conrad's debt.

She can go fuck herself.

See, that's not gonna work for me.

I take cash for the white lady,
but I don't want no money for Conrad.

No.

He is the goose that lays
the golden MILF weed.

He's my farmer now. I'm gonna buy him
some overalls and a straw hat. Yee-haw.

Fuck this!
Just take your money, and let's end this.

Now, that's no way to talk
to your new boss, sharecropper.

You'd better watch your tongue.
Now, I bought your chit,

you're about to grow me some shit.

Are we clear? Cos if we're not,

then I can blow
a nice, big space out your head

through your ear
and maybe you'll hear me better.

Come on, Conrad. Let's go.

Looking forward to my crop.

I'll be in touch.

Now, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where you think you're going?

The way I see it,
you still owe me 150 G's, lady.

I don't take cheques.

What?

No! We're all together, we...
we grow together.

Let's go, Conrad.

You gotta get some rest
so you can wake up tomorrow,

plant some weed
and work on your slave name.

Conrad.

Yeah, looks like
you don't grow with them no more.

What the fuck?
You had that the whole time?

Ain't got no bullets.

What am I supposed to do
with an empty gun?

You OK?

Yeah.

She's fine.

Cos she's still breathing.

She gonna give me my money, too.

Otherwise,
I'm gonna come to her nice house

with her pool... and her kids...

and I gonna float them all
where my weed was drowned at.

You remember
where she lives, right, Marvin?

I'm not so good with directions.

Fucking useless!

I'll deal with you later.

I'm gonna take this off
your shoulder for you.

That's a nice picture.

I'm gonna leave $20 in case
you run into any kind of problems

on your way home or you need to stop
and get some frozen yogurt and shit.

There you go.

Now you just owe me

$149,927.

Well, we did it,
but if you want my professional opinion,

that boy gayer
than a handbag full of rainbows.

I'll see you later, U-Turn.

I got rid of Dana.

I'm free now.

Please forgive me for being so stupid.
I was a fool. A fool.

I should have left her that night,
and you were so brave.

And you're the one for me.

We could be together now.

I love you, Celia, I love so much.

Please, Celia.

Celia... can I come in?

- I'm here to pick up Silas Botwin.
- And Shane as well?

What do you mean?

Both my children are in jail. Perfect!

Shane Botwin! I'm here for...

Nancy, hi. You're here. Thank God.

Did... you two have a fight or something?

Yes, he hit me. Arrest him.

She's kidding. Tell him you're kidding.

I'm kidding. I walked into a door.

Really?

- And you, sir?
- Oh, a door.

Same door.

Ah!

Oh!

What have I done?

I love my wife! I love Dana!

I miss her so much!

She's the most wonderful woman.

I've wrecked my life!

What happened?
Is everything OK?

She didn't say a thing the whole ride home.

Mom... say something.

OK, guys,

let's give Mommy some space, all right?