Weeds (2005–2012): Season 2, Episode 9 - Bash - full transcript

Previously on Weeds.

Well, I'm not a candidate because
my name is not on the fucking ballot!

I won. I fuckin' won!

I never filed your
intent to run papers.

People seem to like what we're selling.

This shit is about to get wild.

Pay day!

Wait a second, I don't get paid?

Once you reemburce me for

a non-refundable year
of rabbinical school

then you'll be compensated, yeah.



Well, I quit.

All of Agrestic will
become a drug free zone.

I think you're turning
Agrestic into a police state.

That was awesome, Shane.

I'm the new Huskaroo's girl.

I could put your money in a trust

but you'll need at least one
parent to be the signatory...

My dad.

We're like that story with
the scorpion and the turtle.

Scorpion and the frog.

I brought you a bean pie, Heylia.

Joseph, aren't you lovely.

Heylia James?

You're not gonna have to
get worried about her.



- What?
- She's been taking care of.

There's really no problem with Heylia.

You gotta dig the
worms to catch the big fish.

Heylia has been dug up.

And I don't wanna talk about
this anymore.

Would you stop doing that?
It's disgusting!

I can't help it. I got GERD.

GERD?

It's a GastroEsophageal Reflex Disease.

My stomach acid keeps
coming up the wrong way

and then it's not
enough left in my stomach so,

makes me burp.

It's very uncomfortable.

Oh, for Christ Sake.

I can't sit here with
you another minute.

Let's do it.

Federal Agents!

Down on the floor! Nobody moves!

Nobody fucking moves!

What the hell is going on?

Kindly curtail your
vulgarity in our presence.

While the call to Allah is underway,

this is a house of worship.

Where's Heylia James?

We ask that you refrain from
adressing our women directly.

When a sister embraces Islam,

it is no longer her custom
to answer to men who are...

...unfamiliar.

Search the place.

It's a nice bust, Scottson.

You think this is a game?

Jesus you scared me.

You tell Heylia yourself or did
you have your boy Conrad do it?

Heylia has always
been straight with me.

You just wouldn't listen.

She's a drug dealer.

I'm a drug dealer.

And in order to keep the heat
out of you,

I have to put it on someone else.

- I gave you the Armenians.
- I gave you the Armenians!

You know this is... this
is just not fucking working.

This isn't working.

Scorpion and the turtle.

Frog.

Well Nancy, we've tried

and I think we both know
what needs to happen now.

Actually... I have no
idea what needs to happen.

Why don't you tell me?

One of us has to quit her job.

Why me?

Drug dealer is not a career.

Then why do I make
more money than you?

Nancy, you got into this life

because you didn't have a choice.

I'm offering you another choice.

What choice?

Marry me. For real.

Mail in the marriage certificate,

tell your kids,

be my wife!

- How romantic!
- Yeah well,

you gonna have to forgive me

if I'm not in the mood to
spread rose petals at your feet.

I think you should go.

Well, you have a nice fucking day.

Ouch.

Thank you.

The enemy of my enemy

is my friend, sister Heylia.

It's a shame.

Yes it is.

You sure look good in white.

Well, all them rules,

ain't no way I could
keep it up for long.

Don't say ain't.

It's a slave word.

Well, I ain't no slave.

So I can says what I wants...

Assalamu alaikum

Wa'alaikum salaam.

Do you think it's possible?

You think that a black
scientist name Yakouv

created all the white people

- Could you...
- In a spaceship...

...shut up for ten minutes.
For ten full minutes.

I don't want to ear no noise.

Almost done.

It's got a five inch thick door.

Three inch walls.

Its got six-sided protection against
concentrated attacks with mechanical

and electrical tools.

We keep our ready-to-sell
harvest in here.

As you rotate it out,
we fill it back up.

No cash, no personal items.

You and me are the only people on
this earth to know the combination.

Allright. I'll show you how to set it.

You got five numbers.

Left, right, left-right, left.

Full turns in between.

You'll here a loud
"click" when you're done.

So what's it gonna be?

What about...

6-2-6-2-9?

What is that?

It's Nancy if you spell
it out on the telephone.

You think that shit is slick?

That nobody's gonna figure that out?

And no kid's birthdays either.

People can just look that up.

OK.

- Hi.
- Hi.

You like me, don't you?

Yeah.

You want me to be your girlfriend?

Yes.

I'm not gonna kiss you
until I get my braces off.

And that won't be for a while.

Like, maybe even a year.

- That's ok.
- OK then.

"Huskaroo, Huskaroo, you're beautiful"

"in all the things you do."

"And your brand is Huskaroo"

"Huskaroo lets you be you."

They're just roomier!

Did you see it?

At least they got her hair right.

So if this thing goes national,

how much money are we talking?

New dishwasher? New house?

It's Isabel's money.

- The law in California clearly states..
- Yeah, yeah, yeah...

So we throw some in the college
fund but the rest is fair game, right?

After taxes, after we pay Doug
and after my management fee.

Ok fine, manager.

Can you loan me a few grand?

- What for?
- Clothes.

I had my cancer purge

and now I am in the public
eye and I have nothing to wear.

You wanna take Isabel's hard
earned dollars and blow them on...

glad rags for your star
turn on Agrestic access TV?

You bought a motorcycle and
a ridiculous leather jacket.

Allright, let me think about it.

No.

You're OK?
You look a little frazzled.

Fine.

Who kicks ass?

I'm guessing you?

I totally kick ass!

What does kicking ass entail?

A girlfriend.

But that's not all.

Did a free cheese grater
come with the gilfriend?

Stop it.

I'm gonna be the class
speaker for graduation.

Sweety, that's fantastic!

Way to go, little man!

The whole lower school voted.

I'm going to start
working on my speech.

Congratulations, honey.

Thanks.

Are we worried?

What? About what?

That they're setting
him up to laugh at him.

They're laughing with him, now.

They think he's cool ever
since he took up your cause.

What cause?

Go drugs!

He doesn't know what I do.

Keep clinging to that raft.

OK. This vote is on a
motion by Walter Stringer,

to request a variance
from zoning regulation 11.6

for a front yard setback.

- All in favor?
- Try 11.2

Excuse me?

It's zoning regulation 11.2, not 6

and Walt is not adding a family room.

He's adding a giant
garage for his boat.

Which is gonna cut off all the
light to his neighbour's dining room.

Read the plans.

A family room doesn't
have concrete floors

and a door that is operate by a
remote. That's complete bullshit.

You're not in charge
here anymore, Wilson.

Lucky for you. I'd throw your
nautical ass right out of here.

Really. Buy a fucking slip in the
marina captain cheap-ass.

Excuse me.

You're out of order.

Now, all those in favor
of granting the motion,

raise your hand and say ay.

Ay.

- All of those against, nay.
- Nay.

Motion is denied.

Fuck you, Wilson!

Go play with your dinghy.

Could we please just turn
those lights down a little.

Oh you need them for
the public-access cameras.

I know, it's unfortunate.

Nobody looks good in high-def.

You know if you would like to address
this council as a citizen,

you could go ahead
and wait to the end...

Could you stop with the
fucking spotlights!

Celia! Check the language at the door.

Families are watching.

You know, I know what
you're trying to do.

I know what you're all trying to do.

And it's not gonna work.

I don't need you to like me.

How about we put this
to a vote?

All those who don't like Celia, say ay.

Ay.

Public has spoken.

Damn it!

Saturday is dad's birthday you know.

I know.

We have a lot to do to get ready.

Maybe we'll scale down on
the party a little this year.

- Last year was kind of a lot.
- What did you guys do last year?

Ate his favorite food,
watched his favorite movies and

beat the shit out of a piñata.

That's right. He always did
have a thing for piñatas.

Did he ever hit you, Nancy?

I'm not filled with candy.

- So what's the plan?
- We'll do something,

maybe just not the full-on,
all-day celebration.

Why can't we just do
what we did last year?

I'm not sure I can handle it.

Good.

Hey, hey, hey. How
about a mini-celebration?

Allright? We'll just keep it simple.

The things that Judah loved.
Chicken parmesan. Willy Wonka.

The original not the lame
Johnny Depp piece of shit.

Piñata, lap dance.

Celia.

Hey, take it easy. Alright, enough.

I never should have done this!

They hate me! They hate me!

This is all your fault.
God, if you'd have just put

a fucking light in at the intersection.

- I was going to.
- Oh, right. You were?

But you were being this
know-it-ally bitch face

and I couldn't resist fucking with you.

Yeah, and you still can't.

City council was pretty much
the only thing in my life

I didn't have to get
baked to get through.

You took that away from me.

How did you know about
Walter's boat garage?

Celia. Everything that
happens in government

is motivated by self-interest.

Someone is always trying to
put one over on someone else

so they can get something they want.

We're all just nothing but
a bunch of selfish assholes.

Remember that.

And you won't go wrong.

Thank you.

Celia.

You should bring some
vodka to the council.

- Vodka?
- That's what I used to do.

You think they like anyone?

They like a good buzz.

You just trying to set me up?

Why would I do that?

'Cause you wanna see me fail?

Why else would you come here tonight?

I just had nothing else to do.

- Vodka, huh?
- Grey Goose.

Go take the kids shopping,

get supplies for Judah fest.

Yeah. I can do that.

With money for both provisions

and my services as a nanny/assistant.

Oh. Oh, that's how it's gonna be.

Well, according to my calculations,

I will have fully repaid
my debt to you as of...

my next excursion to the drycleaners.

I'd like to double-check those
numbers if you don't mind.

They're rough estimates,
really. They're...

more projections.

Taking inflation into account.

I got another bill today from your old
Alma Mater-- Hamadashla blah, blah, blah?

- Over $5,000.
- Hamidrash L'Torah and...

it happens to be tax deductible.

I don't pay taxes, you idiot.

There's a big harvest
coming up in a couple of weeks.

Why don't you come back and help...

I'll put you on the payroll.

- I want more than Sanjay.
- Forget it.

Wait, wait, wait.

- Yeah, I'll take it.
- Welcome back!

Jelly beans for the piñata.

- Dad hated jelly beans.
- He liked the cherry ones.

He said they test like cough syrup.

The only candy your father
really liked is Almond Joy.

Don't ask me why. But get what you want.

Not if dad hated them.

Yael...

What was dad like before he met mom?

He didn't smell as good.

But he was the golden
boy to my black sheep.

Did everything right. A mother's dream.

Hard working, athletic, ambitious.

That wasn't getting him laid.

And he went through a
tortured-artist phase.

Where are his paintings?

No, not that kind of artist. A performance artist.

He did weird stuff like paint
his whole body silver and

stand naked on the War
Memorial reciting bad poetry.

Why?

To get laid. It worked
too. He met your mom

when he hired her to
dance barefoot in his

"Feet Me in St Louis" installation.

But he was always broke.

Wasn't really his true nature
and your mom wanted kids so...

took his engineer
degree, got a real job.

Moved to suburbia.

I'm never getting married, it's death.

You're a little young to
have reached that conclusion.

How come you're not
married, uncle Andy?

'Cause it's death. Right
here, here we go.

So, Elaine Roberts' brother
owns Green Grass landscaping.

Oh yeah. She gave him a no
bid contract to maintain

all the parks and the medians,
the minute she got elected.

He overcharges like Halliburton.

But you gotta love the
flowering jacaranda trees

he put out by the ball fields.

And Tom Bender owns
all of our school buses.

Bought 'em from the town
then rent some back to us

for twice what he paid.

Which was actually my idea.

But he went behind my
back and made the deal himself

when Dana and I were
on vacation in Hawaii.

Where did you stay?

Four Seasons, Maui.

- I prefer the Kea Lani.
- Me too.

But Dana likes the macadamia
nut pancakes at the Four Seasons.

$28 for fucking crunchy pancakes

that she takes 2 bites
of and then throws out.

You want another one?

No, I should probably save
that for the next council meeting.

Oh, right, it's your vodka.

Well, thank you for this.
The 411.

I never realized there
were such a method

to your madness.

6 years on the job and you
learn how things work.

- Are you heading out too?
- Me?

- Are you leaving?
- Now?

- Should we go out together?
- What?

Not "should we go out together."

Just should we go out together...

out of this office.

Outside.

Well, it is lunch time out there.

Do you wanna try this new
little mongolian barbecue place

before they go out of business?

- What was that?
- I don't know.

- I have condoms in my desk.
- Do you have herpes?

Warts? Anything?

- I'm clean, you?
- I'm clean.

I had my tubes tied.
Fuck the condoms!

This isn't awesome scheme to get
back control of Isabelle's money, is it?

This isn't some hostile way for
you to get back at Dean, is it?

- I'm not sure what it is.
- Me neither.

- I'm not sure I care right now.
- Me either.

My cousin live in a village where

all the babies born one year
looked like those Oompa Loompas.

Then they stopped the crop-dusting.

And the next year... all fine.

Do they dance and sing morality songs?

No, but a lot of them are tossed
in bars to make a living.

I used to have nightmares
about the boat scene.

I remember that. I used to
have to crawl in bed with you

and read to you from the real-estate
section till you fall asleep.

Which got me into trouble at school
when we were studying Roosevelt.

I proudly announced the
entire class that FDR stood for

Formal Dining Room.

Shh! I like this part.

Chicken parmesan.

- No, oh no.
- I promise I won't yell.

No ultimatums.
I just want to talk.

- Can I come in?
- Bad timing.

What's going on?

Mom.

Birthday celebration.

Whose birthday?

Mom, you're missing the best part.

Guys, Peter's here,

and I need to help him with
something outside just for a minute,

then I'll be right back. Ok?

What is he doing here? It's
dad's birthday for fuck sake.

Dinner's almost ready.
Lupita, set the table.

You have hands.

You know he is a DEA agent.

- Who's a DEA agent?
- That Peter guy.

Get the fuck out of here.

I saw him leaving here yesterday

and he had this
jacket on that said DEA.

- Shane, stop making shit up.
- I'm not.

DEA could stand for a lot of things.

No.

It was the same kind I see them on
the news when they bust people.

The exact kind.

What exactly did he say to your mom?

I don't know.

When I saw him,
he was getting into his car.

He looked really mad.

He's mom's boyfriend, isn't he?

I really have to get back.

I didn't mean to interrupt
your celebration, I just...

didn't like the way our
last conversation went.

I was upset.

I know, and you've had the right to be.

I'm sorry I went behind your back.

I wanna be with you.

We have to work through this.

- We have huge issues, Peter.
- All couples do.

I'm guessing our issues
are pretty unique.

This is really not
the right time to talk.

When is the right time?

When it's not my dead
husband's birthday.

Fair enough.

I have to get back.

I'll call you later.

Where is everybody?

After Shane tell Silas
that man is in the DEA,

Silas tell Shane
he's your boyfriend.

And you don't care about Judah no more.

So he smash the cake and run upstairs.

And Silas go outside to fuck up

the stucco with a basket-ball.

And Andy go upstairs to get norched.

I eat from stress.

Shit.

Silas.

Silas.

Talk to me.

You're insane,
he's a fucking DEA agent.

Yes, yes he is. But it's okay.

He's okay with it.

So he is a crooked
DEA agent. Even better.

Peter protects my business, Silas.

Well maybe now, but what
happens when he breaks up with you?

Or do you think you're so great
that that's never gonna happen?

- What happens when he dumps you?
- He can't do anything to me.

Bullshit! He can arrest you.

I'm gonna tell you something,
but you have to promise

never to repeat it,
especially to Shane.

Tell me what.

Swear to me,

- never to Shane.
- Fine.

Peter and I are technically...

- We're...
- What?

We're married.

I know it sounds
crazy, it kind of is crazy,

but sometimes you do crazy
things when you have no choice,

and I had no choice.

It's a business
arrangement, pure and simple.

I know what you're thinking.

I... loved your father.

I still love him.

This has nothing
to do with Judah or

marriage, really.
It's business.

You married him.

Silas, I know how
strange this all sound.

- It's dad's birthday!
- I know.

But he's dead,
so what difference does it make?

Stop playing the dead dad card.

The wrong parent died.

And you know what?
Tough shit.

Get your ass back there and
watch Willy fucking Wonka!