Weeds (2005–2012): Season 2, Episode 10 - Mile Deep and a Foot Wide - full transcript

Previously on Weeds.

People seem to like what we're selling.

Milf weed. It's the brand of the day.

And everybody love that shit too.

If you will notice above me,

our very first camera.

Drugs are wrong!

I think you're turning
Agrestic into a police state.

I totally kick ass.

You want me to be your girlfriend?

They think he's cool ever
since he took up your cause.



- What cause?
- Go drugs!

- May I come in?
- Bad timing.

It's dad's birthday for fuck's sake.

We're married. It's a
business arrangement.

- What was that?!
- I don't know.

Your boys at the DEA,
do they know about me?

Probably not, you're small time.

I thought we were under your radar.

You're under my radar.

And since I'm keeping you there,

I gotta show my boss some results.

Nobody fucking moves!

...this is a house of worship.

Did you tell Heylia yourself or did
you have your boy Conrad do it?



You just would'nt listen.

...you went off with
one of my customers

and created a new
game behind my back.

She's not gonna stay mad.

You do not know Heylia.

All starts here.

Under a beautiful blue sky.

That's mine. No it ain't.

Yes it is.

This is where you find out who you are.

You gonna push,

or you gonna get pushed?

So which one you think gonna win?

The fat one.

He got more leverage.

Unless the other one bites him

then it's anyone's game.

I got here as soon as I could.

This is not off the freeway.

You make a left...

We don't know you.

Sit your pretty ass on over
there and stare off somewhere else.

Wouldn't want the good
men parked over in the Chevy

thinking you're something
other than that you look like.

Bitchin' way over her head.

Yeah. That what's happen
when you get raided.

You get two white boys, in an Impala

following you everywhere you go.

But she don't have to worry about that.

Do she, Levin?

No she don't,

'cause she went off and married
herself a DEA agent.

Yes she did, shipped off some
Armenians and started farming.

Can you believe that?

I had no choice.

And I warned you about the bust.

Am I supposed to say thank you?

You shut me down.

I ain't nothing coming in now.

We can help you get by while you
get yourself up and running again.

She did not just say that!

You took away my livelihood.

Now, you think your
help will make that right?

No. That's just a
bitchin' way-overhead talking.

What do you want me to do, Heylia?

Start by talking to your husband.

Then you will have to
do whatever it takes.

And if that means
you go to sit on his face

with roses up your
snatch five nights a week,

you gonna do that.

Help me. Who the fuck are you?

Hey! Vaneeta, what ever
happened to that child?

Nancy, something like that?

Ain't that that white bitch that
thought she was something?

Yeah. Where's she at now?

She's gone now.

- Vanished.
- What?

Nobody seen her since.

Oh man! Those poor little boys.

Losin' both their parents.

Ain't that something. Can you imagine?

OK, stop that.

I will stop everything.

I am Heylia Turner James.

And I know where you grow,

and I know where you live.

And both you and Conrad

are on the clock to
make this thing right.

Tic fucking toc.

Come on, little girl.

- Captain Till.
- Scottson.

Sit down.

I'm re-reading your report.

I got to tell you, Pete.

First time through it it gave
me the shits and giggles so good,

I had it laminated.

All 9 pages. I'm gonna put
them off on my wall over there.

And every time I'm having a crap day,

I'm gonna read about you

and your muslim prayor meeting.

Suspects were tiped off.

Oh, you think?

Tell me agent, where
is the next big bust?

Our lady in a crack pipe
or a temple beth meth?

Surveillance is continuing.

Mike and Robin in the Impala.

And we still have wire taps.

And we're gonna wait around for the
woman's food stamps to run out.

She's an open door to U-Turn.
I need some slack here.

Shuman needs Mike and Robin.

- Captain.
- You got hosed, Pete.

- Wrap it up.
- Yes, sir.

It's my anniversary today.

He forgot.

He forgets a lot of things.

17 years.

- How long have you and...?
- 20.

18... 22.

I'm not cool with numbers.

You're an accountant.

Different. Those are guy numbers.

Years married, that's girl maths.

I'm ceased with guilt,
are you seized with guilt?

Seized.

Good girl!

We shouldn't be doing this.

You're right.

We have families.

- Children.
- Beautiful children.

This would destroy them.

Legendary!

She thinks I can
make Peter disappear.

Peter wants her in jail,
me out of the business.

Silas wants to skip
college and be like me.

I think Shane knows what I do. I can't
even look at him in the face.

- I've never been to China.
- Sit down.

She threatened to kill me!

Stop sucking on the fucking straw.

Give me your hand.
Breathe.

- Look at me.
- What are you doing?

A Korean girl taught me this.

Keep breathing, and look at me.

I don't know what to do.

I'm out of moves.

Baby, you never had any.

Moves mean you think things
through, you have been reacting.

That feels good.

Ready to get in the back seat?

You ready for Conrad's plan now?

You out.

I'm out.

You don't dug yourself a
pit a mile deep and a foot wide

and you ain't lookin'
back up in a pin hole.

You out.

You go to him.
You tell him you love him.

Tell him you out after this office.

You get your money back.

Heylia James gets wiped off his board.

I take the equipment and disappear.

I'm sorry.

No I don't... really wanna hear this.

No, listen! You've been a good friend.

No.

This ain't no "Driving Miss Daisy."

I ain't about to feed
you no Thanksgiving pie.

If things work out with Peter,
you get your money.

You're done.

You love him?

Who?

Agent Wonder Bread.

I'm not sure.

You think you could?

You're out?

The hours suck.

There's no health insurance.

It's a bad job for a danger junkie.

And that's you.

I admit I have a problem.
I'm going cold turkey.

I'm skeptical.

Let me convince you.

Come to dinner tomorrow night.

You with my family.

Your sons?

I don't know how thrilled they'll be.

- They are good kids.
- I know that.

And you're amazing.
Eat with us.

Heylia walks, Conrad leaves.

We make a go of it.

- Dinner?
- My place.

Bring your tooth brush.

I'm staying the night?

Peter is my boyfriend.

He makes me happy.

Just your boyfriend?

And he's in some sort of
law enforcement I hear?

So we can all feel safe.

I've invited him over for dinner
tomorrow night.

It needs to go well.

- Can I invite Gretchen?
- Absolutely!

What is this we're having?

It's paella.

Great! It's pretty!

I want you to make this
again tomorrow night.

We don't have to eat the
same thing. I can make...

No, I want you to make this.

You got it.

Kat!

Did you lost your cat?

- I'm Kat, you're Nancy, right?
- I am.

There's a... smell.

Grape jelly?

No! It's... fish.

Oh that's me! That's me!

It's sockeye salmon.

If you want some, I have a whole bag full.

No, I'm good. Who are you?
What do you want?

Is... Andy here?

Mom, uncle Andy's choking!

Come on in!

I've been eating nothing
but sockeye salmon

for the past 47 hours.

The MapQuest map says it
takes 43 which is bullshit!

I mean who's that boy?

You must be Shane.
Hi. Hug hug.

So it's a real car or...

You're the crazy chick from
Alaska who tried to kill my uncle?

That is a great story!
Hi Silas!

You drove here all
the way from Alaska?

Yeah I borrowed some
salmon from the fishery.

That means she stole it.

The man at the 7-Eleven gave
me a case of Red Bull.

And that mean she stole it.

And that's all I've been eating and
drinking for the past 47 hours, I feel great!

I drove and I drove and I
drove, till I hit the innerstate 5

and that's a straight
line for 1211 miles.

But I knew a shortcut. Hi.

How do you find me?

I read about your toe
accident online, Google.

I missed you so much.

I'm tired.

Fresno is beautiful.

I wrote a book.

- And she is...
- Gone by tomorrow.

- Promise.
- Thank you.

How was your day?

How was my day?

It was swell.

How was your day?

Isabel had a call-back for
a voice over audition.

I didn't like the material.

I stopped by Doug's
office but he wasn't there.

I'm still trying to patch things up.

Good luck with that.

Dean, we have to talk.

Just a second.

No, I mean we have to talk.

What is this?

Happy anniversary.

You thought I forgot,
didn't you?

I thought you forgot.

It's lovely.

Thank you.

Anything for me?

"Permafuck,"
A Journal of spirit Rape.

Yeah, it's about us
and our time in Alaska.

You're not gonna like
everything you read

but I wrote the truth.
Abumchuk was very upset with you.

- Who's Abumchuk?
- He's my boyfriend.

He read my memoir, he
wants to kill you, Andy.

But don't worry, I
ditched him in Bakersfield.

I don't think he followed me.

Big Eskimo guy?

The correct term is inuit.

Is that him?

No!

He's much bigger than that.

Your orange juice.

Can I have some tabasco sauce please?

Sure.

All right, let's stay focused here.

So you wrote a book about us.

And I just need you to
sign a letter that says that

everything in the memoir
happened in real life.

Okay, I just have to sign
something and then you'll go away.

You can read it in the van.

- In the van?
- That's where I'll fuck you.

Yeah. No, no, no, no.

Abumchuk is ***

He beats people for me but
he's a premature ejaculator.

I can't have sex with you.

You're the last man that made me come.

I... No, no, no. I can't...

April 28th, 2005. 5:26 pm.

Ketchikan, Alaska, women's
bathroom, Dear Mountain Hatchery.

Hmm, we'll take the check.

Yeah, I don't know when
I stop really loving Dean.

The only reason we're still
together is because of the kids.

You know once Isabel graduates...

Turn on the TV.

Take your mind off your troubles.

Allright.

God! That feels good!

Just set the food network.

I have tapes in my bag.

Porno?

Better.

We'll have Gretchen home by 9.

She's a great kid.

So enters the eldest son. Where have you been?

It's 5:30. I thought
dinner was at 5:30.

Dinner was supposed to be at 5:30

but your uncle didn't
show up to make it so...

We're making ourselves. Hey, Silas.

Hi.

- What's with the outfit?
- Just an outfit.

Wanna help out?

I'm not exactly a gourmet here.

Call me when it's ready.

So this guy is your mom
boyfriend or something.

- I guess so.
- My mom's got a boyfriend.

- Your parents are divorced?
- Separated.

My dad's got an appartment.

I see him on the weekends.

What's that like?

I don't know. We go to the
movies, miniature golf.

He mostly says he's
sorry, stuff like that.

Sounds awesome.

Crack!

Punishment?

The alphabet backwards.

Z, Y, X, W, V, U, T, S, R, Q, P...

It's not as good as last night.

Yeah, the thing about paella
if that you have to watch it

pretty close or it turns into a...

Stinky lump of crap?

The thing with paellas

is that you have to be
here in order to cook it

and some pople weren't here so...

Peter, I think your paella is great.

I tried my best.

In fact, I'm gonna have me some more.

Anybody else?

Gretchen?

No, thank you.

Silas, get your elbows out of the table.

I don't wanna make this awkward

but I wanted to apologize
for coming by last week.

Your mother told me that you were

having a party in honor of your father.

Yeah, that pretty much sucked.

Silas, don't be a brat and
get your elbows off the table.

I wanted you two to know that

I respect the memory of your father.

We've heard the speech:

"I'm not here to replace him, I just
want to sleep with your mom".

Ow!

Your mother asked you
several times, Silas.

You're gonna let him do that?

Uh...

Show some respect.

Gretchen, this isn't how
we usually act, I apologize.

She's right. We usually have
dinner at the dining room table.

We usually don't eat the
same thing two night in a row.

We don't use cloth napkins.

We put our elbows
wherever the fuck we want.

Pull it back.***

We don't dress up like we're
going to some movie premiere

and what are you?
On your 8th glass of wine?

You could use some boundaries, son.

Okay, dinner's over.
Silas, go up to your room.

Andy, would you drive Gretchen home?

I would like to. I'm a little uh...

He's too stoned to drive. I'll take her.

Silas, you're not going anywhere.

- I'll drive her home.
- Uh... I don't know you.

- He's a policeman.
- I don't know him.

- You don't know Silas either.
- He's Shane brother.

Allright, I'll drive her.

You've had too much to drink.

Sorry, mom.

No.

You're right, honey.

No need to apologize.

Gretchen, Silas will drive you home.

Silas, there and back,
this is your last drive.

- Peter.
- Yeah?

I'm sorry about what
I said about the food.

I'm gonna go feed the cat.

Dinner with the family.

I can't believe they
let you have this stuff.

This is awesome!

You think the Agrestic police force

has the budget for someone
to monitor these things?

No. No one sees these except me.

That was something. Right
there! Like a skeleton or something.

There.

- That's Kate Valensky.
- Martin's wife?

- Yeah.
- Jesus!

Yeah. Can't be any
more than 75 pounds now.

Monday through Sunday, vanishing away.

Wait, I think something
good is coming up.

Better than the guy
shitting in the manhole.

Better. Wait for it. Wait for it.

There!

Is that Litman? Naked?

At 10 o'clock every evening!

I haven't had any complaints yet.

That's 'cause everyone's
inside mollesting their kids.

Dark.

Well, 3 hours of Agrestic going
wild would do that to you.

Has it been 3 hours already?

Shit! Shit!

Shit!

This is better than porn.

Better enjoy it while you can.

Some fucking lowlife
stole 2 of them already.

- The cameras?
- And the "drug free zone" signs.

And the sasquatch costume.

You're pissing off a
lot of people, Celia.

Yeah, well, that must
mean it's working.

Hey.

Thanks for the dick.

Sure thing.

Promise you'll change my name.

I promise.

Good. Here you go.

Unite victims everywhere.
Make millions.

- You're not gonna read it?
- No, no, I'm gonna go to bed.

Sleep in the van. Gotta
be up by morning.

Okay? Give my best to Abumchuk.

I drove half a continent
to see you, Andy.

Well, you got your signature
so godspeed.

- You ever been fishing in Baha?
- In Baha...

No.

You don't understand.
I have a thing here.

I'm helping my sister-in-law.

I'm taking care of these kids.

I'm getting my shit together.

That'd be lovely...

if you truly believed it.

What are you doing?

Do you realize how many
felonies we've committed?

I'm publishing the book as fiction.

Then why are you here?

I'm going to save you, Andy.

Hey.

You look good.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah.

No.

Not on this side.

I thought you slept on the left side.

I do, just not in this bed.

Okay.

- I see.
- Thanks.

- Candles are nice.
- It's calming.

You're incredibly sexy.

We have to be quiet.

Of course.

Why...

Why did you do that thing...

to his elbow?

This didn't work out so good.

No! It's just...

the first time having
somebody over and all...

Maybe we rushed things a little.

Well, maybe just the sleepover part.

But I'll call you.

Thanks for trying.

It's me.

- Everything all right?
- Everything is not all right.

Conrad's plan did not work out.

- Then we got some problems.
- We sure do.

Talk to me.

He just walked out my front door 5
minutes ago and I don't want him...

ever coming back.

Did he do something to you?

Oh, no, it's nothing
like that. It's just...

I forgot myself.

Agent Wonder Bread is not my husband.

- He isn't?
- Not in this lifetime.

I do not love him and I'm...

never gonna love him.

- He don't know that, right?
- No.

I left it okay. I think.

You're gonna have to play it like
that for a little while longer.

Are you cool with that?

Yeah, I think I can do that.

Meet me here at the
house tomorrow, allright?

Okay.